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((started by Mistress Savi~s~))
You know you are addicted to the Internet, when...
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your kid in the overhead compartment.
Your dreams are in HTML.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.
You turn your computer off and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address printed on the TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of the room and realize that your roomates have moved and you don't have any idea when it happened.
You turn up the volume read loud when leaving the room so you can hear if anyone IM's you.
You wife drapes a blond wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
Looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice that you've been to all of them.
Your dog has its own webpage.
You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17" LCD Flat-Panel Monitor.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You code your homework in HTML and give your intsructor the URL.
You don't know what sex your three of your closest friends are, because they have nuetral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger
You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest MP3's off Kazaa Lite.
You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back.
Your virtual girlfriend finds a new sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.
You buy a Captain Kirk Chair with a built in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer can not come to bed"
The last hottie you picked up was only a jpg.
You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while you're pretending to catch your breath.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
You forget what year it is.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You ask a doctor to implant a terrabyte in your brain.
Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other anytime.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
You start using smileys in your snail mail
You bring a bag lunch to the computer.
You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
You type faster than you think.
You double click your TV remote.
You can now type over 70 WPM.
You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail.
You go into withdrawals during dinner.
You rank your friends by the amount of bandwith they have.
You have "Googled" all your friends to try to find out anything interesting that they are not telling you and you can use against them later.
You message someone via IM when they are less than 20 feet away.
The sound of the keys clicking turns you on.
You have more browsers than friends in the real world.
You actually say I-M-O and A-T-M to real friends rather than 'in my opinion' and 'at the moment'. And they give you strange looks.
You run four chat programs all at once... Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, AIM and MSN
You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
The letters have come off your keyboard from excessive use.
You order pizza online - because you can't be bothered to call.
You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.
You're on the phone and say BRB.
The last movie you've seen was on your Quicktime player.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to the internet.
-
((origanlly posted by Mistress Savi))
When I was a child in the 1960s the bathing suit for the mature figure was
boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were
built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch
fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a
potato chip. The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can
wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a
sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber
bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice
and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by
NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus
which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself
into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe
at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way
into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I
gasped in horror my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob
cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I
located it flattened beside my seventh rib.. The problem is that modern
bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs
spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and
lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit
fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to
stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and
sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As
I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you
are!", she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure
and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that
made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave
the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring. I struggled into a
pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like
Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a
black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried
on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax
my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fit . . ... a
two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It
was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous
search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label
which read -- "Material might become transparent in water." So, if you
happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm
there too ... I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt!
;)
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"
After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"
-
((originally posted by tigress{CJH}))
(Can't even remember where I found this, but I love it! *G)
RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE & & &
>
> We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
>
> # 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
>
> # 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
>
> # 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
>
> # 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
>
> # 1. Crying is blackmail.
>
> # 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!
>
> # 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
>
> # 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
>
> # 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Please pick one.
>
> # 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
> # 1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a
doctor.
>
> # 1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you
hear it.
>
> # 1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
> # 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
act like soap opera guys.
>
> # 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer, but still love you.
>
> # 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
> # 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
>
> # 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
>
> # 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what Mauve is.
>
> # 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
>
> # 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
>
> #1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
>
> # 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
>
> # 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really, you look fine!!!
>
> # 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
>
> # 1. NASCAR is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
>
> # 1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape
>
> # 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like campin'
-
((originally posted by Master Larn))
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
Against the complete tw@t who made you sad
When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, I'll know you finally got a sh@g.
When you are scared, I will tease you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, I will tell you to shut up and tell you how much worse it could be.
When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to you, divvy!
When you are sick, stay the hell away from me until you're well again.
When you fall, I will point and laugh at you!
This is my oath, I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend!
P.S. A friend will help you move house. A true friend will help you move a body!!
-
((originally posted by wyldechylde{MTC}))
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in
St.Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge
Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of
these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well.The photographer asked them to sit on the
sofa, and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAID, WE
GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other. "Now get a little closer
together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE
TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on
for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet
again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" ... "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin
the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
my all time favorite:
;D
One Man sits in the airplane next to another, they immediately note that
each of them has a black eye. The first asks the second "Oh mind if I ask
how you got that black eye?" The second replies "Well, actually it was a
tongue twister accident. At the counter I saw that gorgeous blonde with
those fantastic tits and instead if saying "A ticket to Pitsburgh please" I
accidentally said "A ticket to Titsburgh please" - and she shooked Me a good
one." - "Oh!" replies the other Man, "what a coincidence! Mine was actually
a tongue twister accident, too. This morning during the breakfast I wanted
to say to my wife "Honey, would you please pour me another bowl of
Frosties?" but accidentally I said "You ruined my life you evil fat slag".
-
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))
If you have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say cool whip on the side... You might be a redneck...
If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner...You might be a redneck...
If your wife says she's game and you shoot her... You might be a redneck...
If your pantylines can be seen from aerial photographs... You might be a redneck...
If you've ever been accused of lying through your tooth... You might be a redneck...
If you dog passes gas, and you claim it... You might be a redneck...
If you've ever used your ironing boards as a buffet table... You might be a redneck...
If you've ever taken a six pack of beer to a funeral... You might be a redneck...
If your wife has ever said move this transmission, so I can take a bath... You might be a redneck...
If your neighbors think you are a detective because a cop always brings you home... You might be a redneck...
If you think a quarter horse, is that ride infront of KMart... You might be a redneck...
If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty... You might be a redneck...
If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour... You might be a redneck...
If you ever sat on the toilet until you legs fell asleep... You might be a redneck...
If your daughter's barbie dream house, has a clothes line in the front yard... You might be a redneck...
If an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger, changed your life... You might be a redneck...
If someone tells you that you have something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is... You might be a redneck...
If you wear a dress that's strapless and a bra that isn't... You might be a redneck...
If you've ever stared at a glass of orange juice, because it said concentrate... You might be a redneck...
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a
brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the
only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for
the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a
brain cost?" The doctor responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to
smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man
unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to
ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish
innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing
procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because
they've actually been used."
;D :P ;)
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM . "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about PATIENCE. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. " Just wait until we get home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me ESP . "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS. " Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
;D ;D ;D
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
Handy dictionary to decipher Personals Ads ...
-----------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish...................... 49
Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends
Athletic.................... No tits
Average looking............. Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated.................... Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated
Feminist.................... Fat ball buster
Free spirit................. Junkie
Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun......................... Annoying
Gentle...................... Comatose
Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic
New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............... Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded................. Desperate
Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk
Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional................ Certified Bitch
Redhead..................... Bad dye-job
Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat
Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light
Social...................... Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous.................. Very Fat
Weight proportion w/height.. Hugely Fat-as tall as you are wide
Wants Soul mate............. Stalker
Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart.............. Old bat
MEN'S ADS
40-ish...................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic.................... Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking............. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated.................... Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit................. Banging your sister
Friendship first............ As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun......................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking................ Arrogant
Very good looking........... Dumb as a board
Honest...................... Pathological Liar
Huggable.................... Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle............. Insecure mama's boy
Mature...................... Older than your father
Open-minded................. Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit.............. Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet........................ Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive................... Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive.............. Gay
Spiritual................... Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable...................... Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful.................. Says "Excuse me" when he farts
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
There was chill in the air.
A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below your waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
Dogs Diary:
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!
******************************
Cats Diary:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild Satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, I must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, It is only a matter of time...
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
You know the "online sob-stories"?
Here is another one...
My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying.The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves.The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag.Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too.Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.Please help me! Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10! If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless person who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell.What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its poop in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.Thank You,
Billy "Smiles" Evans
;D ;D
-
((originally posted by lotus{~D~}))
You know you're living in 2005 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
-
((originally posted by prism{*RgR*1*}))
Two very elderly sisters were sitting in a car in the middle of the night, in a car lot in the middle of town.
Along came a police officer on his patrols, and he noticed the car in the car lot and what looked to be occupants, so he pulled into the lot and went over to the car and tapped on the window with his flashlight. The sister in the driver's seat rolled the window down and smiled sweetly.. "Yes, officer?" ..
Is everything okay?
Yes officer.
Why are you sitting in this car?
Oh, it is our car, officer.
Let me see the registration.
so they pull the registration out of the glovebox, hand it to the officer and.. indeed it is owned by two sisters.
Thinking that because they are elderly, they might be "forgetful".. the officer says with a patient smile...
Why don't you two just drive this car on home, it's late and you should be safely at home..
We can't.
Why not?
We don't have driver's licenses.
Now confused and getting a bit axious over the matter, the officer asks them
If you don't have driver's licenses, why do you have the car and why are you parked here in this lot in the middle of the night?
to which they replied..
we heard that if you bought a car here, you would get screwed in the deal. Now we are waiting.
;D
-
((originally posted by Mistress Kitya))
A man walks into a bar that is located on the top floor of a building. He sits down on a stool at the bar, orders a drink and looks around. Seeing that it is only he and one other customer there he begins a conversation with him. After some small talk the other customer tells him that this is a very unique bar. The location of this building is such that the wind comes right up the side of the building and is so strong that it will actually hold a grown man in midair.
The man, of course, is skeptical of this claim, but the other insists that this is true and proves it by walking over to the window, opening it, climbing out and standing in midair. The man, of course, has never seen anything like this and says so, but is nervous about trying this himself. The other man comes back in and continues drinking. After a few more rounds the man looks at the other and asks if he's SURE the wind can really support a man's weight. The other goes back to the window, opens it, and again climbs out to stand in mid air.
Amazed the man insists on trying this, so the other man climbs back thru the window and moves out of the way. The man climbs out of the window and immediately hurtles down to the ground, dying on impact. The other man returns to the bar and picks up his drink. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and says,
"You're MEAN when you're drunk Superman!"
-
((originally posted by wyldechylde{MTC}))
No sex tonight?
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed .. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don 't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a Baffled .. WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
-
((originally posted by wyldechylde{MTC}))
breast or bottle
The good Doctor O'Cologiste. . .
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
LOL wylde
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an
exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that
the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his
overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer
his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do
anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,
for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition
was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew
his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he
pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly,
meaningfully said, "Paint .. my .. house."
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets
up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in
the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in
the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The
drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and
she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"
-
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))
I heard this story a few times on the radio, and decided to look the story up, and to my surprise, I found out that what was read on the air was "edited", and reasons are in the story below...
Pooh Goes Apeshit
by A.A. Milne
Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees whispered to each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree, there lived Pooh bear. From inside Pooh's house, there came a steady bang...bang... bang!, that was making his honey jars rattle on the sideboard. The light came through the window, and in the evening sun Pooh raised the axe once more and brought it down on the tattered remains of Christopher Robin.
"Why...won't... he...fit..." puffed Pooh to himself as the axe came down once more.
There was a small pile of earth, and a hole next to it, which Pooh had hidden with his favourite rug. Christopher Robin, selfish prat that he was, didn't quite fit in the hole Pooh had dug, so instead of making it wider he had decided to hack Christopher Robin's legs off.
"A far more sensible idea", thought Pooh, and hummed a little song to himself as he cut the last tendon and rammed the rest of the body in the hole, finally covering it up with the rug.
"Always too bossy", thought Pooh, "Always too bossy, always grabbing me by the paw and saying 'Come on Pooh lets have an adventure' or 'Pooh you are silly!' in that affected cutesy spoilt brat voice, and his stupid little shorts - bastard!"
Pooh had waited all afternoon for Christopher Robin to come round, humming a little tuneless song to himself whilst gazing blankly into the fire and fondling the oaken handle of the axe. When C.R. had finally turned up, squeaking in his child-actor voice "Come on Pooh! Open Up!", Pooh had answered the door normal as anything, talked about the weather, and then went to the cupboard and fetched the axe. While C.R. had sat there, prattling on about what a silly bear Pooh was and how he had very little brain (which wound Pooh up no end) Pooh had raised the axe high and brought it down with a satisfying thud on Christopher Robin's skull, cleaving it virtually in two, with just some muscle fibre in place to keep the pieces upright, and freezing C.R's eyes wide in horror that Pooh, lovable Pooh, could do such a thing! Pooh giggled a little and wiped some saliva from his mouth with a shaky paw. Then Pooh, calm as anything, had mopped up the blood, washed the axe and begun to dig the hole.
Piglet had wondered why Pooh had not called for him that morning, to have his tea and biscuits, and so he decided to visit Pooh instead. He admired the evening sun, blood red, and listened to the birds singing. Pooh watched him get nearer and nearer, and plugged in the drill.
Piglet had no time to realise what had happened - the drill pierced his skull, sending a beautiful fountain of blood all over Pooh's orange hide. He rubbed the blood in and all over himself, licking, licking, always licking. Then he pulled Piglet inside and put him in the cupboard. The syringe lay on the sideboard, and Pooh picked it up, paws shaking and sweating, and filled it full of solution of the funny white powder that had been given to him by a strangely spaced-out Rabbit. It was a strange effect at first, and Pooh thought he had seen many strange things, but then experienced a euphoric feeling of power. It made him irritable, and C.R. and Piglet had everything that was coming to them, no doubt at all. When night had fully fallen, Pooh dragged the bodies out and buried them in a makeshift grave.
"Adios, dear 'friends'", Pooh giggled, "Things are going to change around the 100-acre wood now I'm in charge" he laughed hysterically and went indoors.
The next day Tigger and Roo made their way happily to Pooh's house, to see if he knew where C.R. and Piglet were, as no-one had seen them since yesterday. They were sure Pooh would know, as he had had tea with Piglet yesterday and was meant to be playing Pooh-sticks with C.R. in the morning.
When they reached Pooh's house the door was wide open and Pooh was nowhere to be seen. Tigger and Roo looked inside Pooh's house and noticed a large hole in Pooh's floor and a notice was stuck on the wall with a large blob of congealing honey "OWT CHAGIG THE DRAGGN" (spelling had never been one of Pooh's strong points).
"That's odd", though Tigger, "there are no dragons in the 100-acre wood only heffalumps. What is that silly bear up to now?"
Not even Tigger would have imagined what Pooh was up to at that moment. That morning Pooh had woken with a splitting headache and a rather snotty nose. So he had taken a large dose of the white powder and a little while later had a brilliant idea! He left the house with a container marked insecticide in big red letters. He took the container and went to Eeyore's favourite patch of thistles.
"This will serve that manic depressive donkey right" laughed Pooh aloud, "always cheating at Pooh-sticks, cheats never prosper", Pooh said to himself.
Then he hid behind a tree to watch the unsuspecting Eeyore eat himself to death - sheer poetic justice thought Pooh as he dumped the nearly dead body of Eeyore in the same grave as C.R. and Piglet.
"Shouldn't cheat should you?", shouted Pooh as Eeyore's eyes stared with disbelief. "You're lucky I didn't chop you up into little bits and feed you to Tigger!", laughed Pooh manically, before he covered the makeshift grave over.
Pooh didn't return to the house until dinner time as he was totally spaced out all morning. So when he returned to his house he was in an awful mood and all he needed to make him absolutely mad was the sight of Tigger and Roo bouncing up and down outside his house singing "bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, the wonderful....".
"'Wonderful'?", thought Pooh aloud, "My foot, you'd think the writer of this shitty story could think up better lyrics for a song than that, and to think, they released the sound-track album on cassette and CD; a lot of people are going to get ripped off." This lightened Pooh's mood somewhat, but the respite was brief.
"What was that you said?", asked Roo.
"God does he never stop asking pathetic questions?", Pooh thought furiously. "I'm going to have to deal with these prats as well. Is there no-one in this place with intelligence apart from me?" Pooh asked despairingly."
Pooh felt himself extremely lucky as Roo had to go home for his afternoon sleep and that left Tigger at his mercy. Even better, Tigger suggested that himself and Pooh go and play Pooh-sticks; Pooh had smiled slyly as an idea formed in his overactive brain, and agreed.
"What an opportunity", Pooh whispered to himself as he followed the innocent Tigger to the bridge.
Once on the bridge, and the rather pointless game of Pooh-sticks was under way, Pooh thought he'd much rather push his stick up Tigger's arse, rather than throwing it into the stream. Tigger was leaning over the side of the bridge looking for his stick. So he did not see Pooh's wide horrific grin as he outstretched his arms and moved toward Tigger with the intent of pushing the stupid cat into the stream.
"Cats hate water, tee hee, he'll drown."
There was a loud splash as Tigger hit the water and started to struggle as his head was covered by water, he gulped and choked. Pooh was holding on to the rail of the bridge and jumping up and down with excitement and was joyously shouting at the drowning Tigger.
"Why?", spluttered Tigger as he slowly started to turn blue with the cold, which Pooh found hysterical, after all a blue Tigger? How absolutely silly.
"I'll tell you why you bastard", screamed Pooh, "It serves you right, hiding behind doors and jumping out, and scaring the shit out of people." Tigger did not hear Pooh's answer as he was already floating downstream face down in the water, dead. "Good riddance", laughed Pooh, and looked at his watch. "Still time to get that little dick-head Roo before he wakes up."
Pooh sneaked to the sleeping form of Roo's mum and saw Roo's ear poking out of her pouch.
"Now I've got you, you little git", Pooh thought, smiling, as he threaded a needle with extra strong cotton. He was jolly grateful for Piglet's sewing lessons now, because he would be able to sew up Roo nice and tightly, so he would not be able to get out and his mum would not be able to rescue him. So very slowly and carefully Pooh began to sew Roo into his pouch and thereby suffocating the annoying idiotic twit. After the deed was done Pooh made his way back to his house wondering how Roo's mum would take the death of Roo. Badly, hoped Pooh, as he began to cough uncontrollably and felt general nausea overcome him.
By the time Pooh got home he had puked up several times and was very desperate for some more of the white solution. He trembled as he picked up the syringe and gave himself the remaining amount. An awfully large amount, one might say, for a small little bear like Pooh. In fact too much, Pooh died of an overdose, but he died with a smile on his face: he was dreaming that he was the only teddy bear made with a willy and dreamed how he surprised Eeyore one day - but that's a story for another day.
THE END
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!""Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God
bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was
praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart
attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was
still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy.
Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the
next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the
next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta
ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to
the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he
finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God
you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our
porch this morning!"
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day,
he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home.He walks into the
house
and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into
the
room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder
this
time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today
it
was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S
HANGING
DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya
shoulda
bought a hat."
;D ;) ;D
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating
marriage under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for
marriage.
TWO YEAR DEGREE COURSE
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you
should be interested in:
Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too,
can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree. (Male Arts)
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What's Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act like an arse when you're Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down
(Elective)
(See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II
Course Electives:
EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her
Just a thought for all the women out there.
MENtal Illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a
little girl, she'd bring Me in the stall, teach me to
wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd
carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the
seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a
public toilet seat. And she'd demonstrate "The
Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet
in a sitting position without actually letting any of
your flesh make contact with the Toilet seat. But by
this time, I'd have wet down my leg. And we'd go
home.
That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature
years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to
maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When
you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line
of women that makes you think there's a half-price
sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you
wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also
crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you
finally get closer.
You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one
is occupied. Finally, a stall door opens and you
dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the
stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It
doesn't matter.
You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your
pants and assume "The Stance."
Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to
shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly
hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper
on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs
experience a quake that would register an eight on the
Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach
for the toilet paper.
The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs
shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you
blew your nose on-that's in your purse. It would
have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way
possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch
doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head.
Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door,
dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward,
directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly,
but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact
with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat
because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that
there was any, even if you had enough time to. And
your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she
knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public
toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind
of diseases you could get."
And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of
the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up
a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it
suddenly sucks everything down with such force that
you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of
being dragged to China.
At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the
splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe
with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then
slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the
automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit
and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women,
still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile
politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end
of the line points out that you are trailing a piece
of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the
Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe,
plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here.
You might need this."
At this time, you see your man, who has entered,
used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War
and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so
long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him
sharply in the shin and go home.
This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have
ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally
explains to all you men what takes us so long.
-
((originally posted by prisim{*RgR*1*}))
THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress --a whimper, a frown-- you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether he needs it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)
GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live.
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
LOL woobie, how true! ;)
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?"
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name, had been in my high school class some 40 odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm.... or could he? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central High School. "Yes, yes, I did," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1951, why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me, and then that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked... "What did you teach?"
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles excitedly.
"Great," he replies, "GET YOUR OWN FUCKING BLANKET!!!"
-
((originally posted by ~*jale*~{K}))
And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked
the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast
in her hand," What can be done with this useless boob?"
And God created man. :)
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
The 5 Questions Most Feared by Men
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells
the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below,
along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of
course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on
what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and
how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no
resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football. b. Golf. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than
you e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once
told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking
to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel
a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh^*-loads. b. Would it make
you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d.
Does it matter? e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course
not!"
Incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but
you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've
seen fatter. e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper
response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b.
Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were
her age d. Define pretty e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking
about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The
real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up
questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh&%.
-
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))
~Drops this off and runs for my life, adjusting the halo over my horns as I do~
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/cowswithguns.php
-
((originally posted by yahira{Raz}))
~she grins in her ever-anglic fashion and posts these... ummm.. helpful hints... before running off~
60 Things You Should Not Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
-
((originally posted by wyldechylde{MTC}))
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem,” the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the Second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....."
-
Read the full description before looking at the picture.
The picture has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in
a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins
jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely
monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact
that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find
differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found
between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount
of stress.
Look at the photograph in the link below. If you find more than one or two differences,
you may want to take a vacation.
http://www.freespaces.com/familurespace/stuff/testpic.jpg
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
-
((originally posted by prisim{*RgR*1*}))
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR
GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
-
((originally posted by toy{MTC}))
http://www.bitoffun.com/weirds-orgasmic_simulator.htm
cant stop laughing this is soooooooooo true hahaha
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
And now something for our Men .. ::)
Why Men Die First
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries - but, now we know.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay...you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her...that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you...it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks...it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet....it's male indifference.
If you cry....you're a wimp.
If you don't...you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her....you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you....she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy.... that's domination.
If SHE asks you....it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...you're a pervert.
If you don't...you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape....you're sexist.
If you don't....you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape.....you're vain.
If you don't....you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers...you're after something.
If you don't.....you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements...you're full of yourself.
If your not...you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache....she's tired.
If you have a headache....you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often...you're oversexed.
If you don't....there must be someone else.
Men die first because.....
....They want to
-
another one for the Men out there........
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
-
((originally posted by prisim{*RgR*1*}))
LOL!
stole this from the BDSM wall ...
http://www.steakandbjday.com/
-
ok...this is a groaner...but it gave me a chuckle....
One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
~cheesey ole grin~
-
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))
The Pink Ping Pong Ball Story
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'
It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.
The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'
That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'
`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
`I- I-'
Then he died.
~That dog ain't so shaggy~
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
Divine Satisfaction
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, when you just need to take it out on someone... don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know! HONESTLY, just read it... its SO funny... Read this guy's experience:
'Now get this: I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down! I couldn't believe anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person answered again, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word 'asshole' and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me - I would probably have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number.
When I heard, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He answered "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it! Just dial 823-4863!
An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move, and she started to v-e-r-y slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to maneuver.
"Great," I thought, "she's finally leaving." All of a sudden, a black Mercedes came flying up the parking aisle, going the wrong direction, and pulled into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Mercedes, completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if he hadn't heard me. I thought to myself, "This guy's an asshole. There's sure a lot of assholes in this world." Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (it's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Mercedes laying on my desk and figured I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple of rings, someone answered the phone and said, "Hello?"
I said, "Is this the guy with the black Mercedes for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?"
"My name's Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone speed dial asshole number 1.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I yelled, "You're an asshole!" but I didn't hang up.
The asshole said, "Are you still there?"
"Yeah."
"Stop calling me."
"Make me."
"What's your name, Pal?"
So I told him, "Don Hansen."
Then he asked, "Where do you live?"
I answered, "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Mercedes is parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up. Then I called asshole number 2. He answered, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole."
He said, "If I ever find out who you are ..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance ... I'm coming over right now, asshole!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my boyfriend lover as soon as I got home. Then I made another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street. After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious satisfaction - - watching the two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life .'
-
((originally posted by ivy{MTC}))
apoem for all dedicated to You boys out there ....giggles
Cyber Sex is NOT Safe Sex
'twas the night of the wedding, my new bride asleep
so I turned on the puter, from her, not a peep
so into a chat room, with ladies, all fair
just wearing their undies, with wild lovely hair
I typed "Hi", with a smile, then sat back to wait
for one of the lovelies to rise to the bait...
then up on the screen this line did appear
"Hi, dear, I'm horny, can you help me here?"
we started to cyber, she sent a pic
it made me so horny, I took out my dick
was stroking and typing, just ready to cum
when she screamed from behind me "perverted scum!!!"
I look over my shoulder and what do I see
tis her with a knife, coming at me
'twas a Ginzu, a gift, to me that was clear
as my once mighty penis grew flaccid with fear
then grabbing my peter, and with just one slash
she cut it clean off, left only a gash
As I sat there bleeding, she gathered her things
then opened the door, and threw out her rings
Out of the door, down the hallway she scooted
I turned to the keyboard, typed, "Sorry, got booted."
chuckles and runs
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest
little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
-
((originally posted by prisim{*RgR*1*}))
I definitely need to be praying at work!!
HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK
When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning"
to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the shit out of her"...You need to pray at work.
When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f**k do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work.
When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, Which
one of you sons of bitches turned off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work.
When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "well at my last office...", and you want to throw a stapler at him... ... You need to pray at work.
When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the hell does this bitch want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work.
When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and
the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my ass!!".... You need to pray at work.
When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who
stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one
floor, and you say "that lazy bastard"...... You need to pray at work.
When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and
you think, "sorry ass M#$^%F%&#s"....... You need to pray at work.
If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching,
slapping, or flattening someone's tires that you work with......You need to
pray at work.
LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS.
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
Who's Yo Daddy
When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is find out
who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following
are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms
in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way.....
Who's yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to
check out number 11........... It takes the prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a
man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted
If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone
number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's
had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.
Please advice.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the
same to me.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned
at the same time....well I don't have a clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd
have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146
Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
Things I've Learned from My Children
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball
up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long
way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass
can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4
inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It
will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.
-
Come Back Lines for Women.......
Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."
Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."
Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."
Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."
Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"
Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"
Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."
Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?"
-
((originally posted by Master Ubar Ragnar))
IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
-
((originally posted by jetta{Brooke}))
Mirror"
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
-
((originally posted by Mistress Amber))
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. "Tray-up, Bitch."
-
((originally posted by wyldechylde{MTC}))
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone for verification.)
If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number
and call her up. You listen to this."
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?"
Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay?
Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian ....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"
Sara: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sara.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars
-
((originally posted by Mistress Ubara Karanis))
this is a personal one that actually happened to me this past christmas....
it was the first christmas with the future inlaws....am very very close with them...but still...it was the first one....
and let me set up a bit of history for this.....I color my hair....ALOT....could be a different color next month, and still a different color the month after that.....matter of fact, up until a month ago, my hair was down to my bra strap, and now is in the flippy lil whispy flip cut at the jaw line LOL....so suffice it to say that the hair changes ALOT.....
and well......it came time to unwrap a small gift from J's dad.....I had know idea that he had picked it out personally himself.....as he's been known to do something "a lil special" for "his girls" ((they had FOUR boys LOL))....so "his girls" are vera special to him.....
so I'm unwrapping this present, and thinking, yeah its probably jewelry, but we all know how well men pick out jewelry when they KNOW you, nevermind when they've only known you for about 9 months.....so here I am ...openning this box.....and I open the box to find an exquisite pair of gold and jade teardrop earrings....dainty and simple, JUST the way I like my jewelry, and the perfect shade of seafoam green that I wear quite often.......
I'm thinking wooooowwww.....this guys is good....and keep in mind, this man is born and bred new englander, tough as nails and doesnt say much unless he really has something to say.....
I'm astounded and hugged him and said wow dad, you did really well, these earrings are fabulous, they're absolutely beautiful...I love them etc etc etc.....
his words.....quote un quote were.....
"weeeellllll *in a quite lil rush of breath*.....you DID have a different hair color when I picked them out"
OMG.......everyone just DIED laughing......he's such a peach.
-
((originally posted by jetta{Brooke}))
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed
home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely
stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure! enough, the man awoke as a woman
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out
their
school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them
to
school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the
cleaners
and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then
drove
home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check
book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was
already 1
P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust,
and
sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
them on
the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
homework,
then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the
ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
finished, he
went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to
get
through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
Lord,
I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's
being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have
learned
your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they
were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last
night."
-
((originally posted by prisim{*RgR*1*}))
*cracking UP*
here's a stress reliever..
http://www.netdisaster.com/go.php?mode=meteor&url=http://www.webmaze.com/yabbse/index.php?board=48
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
"Childrens Wisdom"
Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer. -
Hannah, age 9
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, age 14
Stay away from prunes. - Randy, age 9
Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, age 13
Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, age 13
Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, age 10
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia,
age 11
Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
assignment. - Traci, age 14
Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, age 12
A puppy always has bad breath - even after eating a Tic-Tac. - Andrew, age 9
Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, age 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, age 9
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, age 11
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, age 15
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, age 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, age 10
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the
phone. - Alyesha, age 13
Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, age 8
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said
excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your
students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like
you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my
student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what
you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made
absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,
but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though,
because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
...
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
-
for stress relief....
and ummm...knew better than post this on the gor board knowing that at least one would think it was aimed at them...~lol~
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/idiot
-
((originally posted by Master Ubar Ragnar))
Three Tuchk Men are having a drink in the paga when a drunk comes stumbling in off the street. The drunk points at the Tuchuk in the middle and exclaims in a loud voice, "Hey you! I screwed your mother rotten last night!"
The Tuchuk in the middle shrugs and continues his conversation with his friends. Frustrated by the lack of response, the drunk stumbles back out of the paga wagon.
A few moments later the drunk stumbles back into the paga wagon, points a finger at the same guy and yells, "Did you hear me, asshole?! I said I fucked your mother last night and she was great!!!".
Finally, Terran responds, "I know RAGNAR! I heard you the first time now go back to your wagon!"
-
((originally posted by Mistress Sidona))
Subject: Finally an intelligent lawyer
Title of Property
You gotta love this lawyer. Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(Actual letter from the FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows
(This is his actual letter):
Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.The good queen, Isabella , being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, of the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our loan?"
The loan was approved.
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
AT&T
By Robert Byron.
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is
to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from
a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as
they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
(swallowing)
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
( When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express
yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this
lady was persistent.)
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but
she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to
whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's
right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at
the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a
minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute.
Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10
cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of
subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the
Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat
while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while
I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a
minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to
suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I
could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was
helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up
for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have
enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little
brother...
AT&T: (click)
-
((originally posted by jetta{Brooke}))
I got t his in an email and thought it was cute.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place
expensive...................
So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!
-
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))
For those who thought that they had a roommate from hell, after reading this, you might think that your's might resemble a saint instead...
http://rush68.net/%7Edave/crap/story.htm
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
The big red button!! *G*
http://fun.drno.de/flash/BigRedButton.swf
-
((originally posted by Master Kan))
-WARNING JOKE BELOW MAY OFFEND- Hehehe
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?".
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity marguerita. "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man to his right turns to him and prouldly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1," Then adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis.
He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The customer says "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman."
-
((originally posted by Master Gryphon))
For all you LLama's out there
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php
and for all you C/cats out there
http://www.yomgaille.com/bordel/kittens/
-
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))
I like that:
Warning
~Jenny Joseph
When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other peoples' gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
-
((originally posted by Mistress Lilac))
For those who own horses..
"THE SHEATH CLEANING SONG"
Sing it to the tune of "Hello Mother, Hello Father"
from camp song
How's it hangin'?
So much cleaner.
Aren't you glad I
washed your wiener?
I'll admit it's
kinda creepy
that I had to stick my arm up in your pee-pee.
It was sticky.
It was gunky.
It felt icky.
It smelled funky.
It was cruddy,
it was crusty--
when you stuck it out,
it creaked like it was rusty.
After half an
hour of toilin'
and of squirtin'
baby oil in,
you're as fresh there
as a daisy.
Either this means I love you or I'm crazy!!!
-
((originally posted by ice{Brooke/Mtc}))
After the llama song and the kittens i feel obligated to post these if they were not earlier in the thread:
Banana phone!!
http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/bananaphone.html
Badger Badger
http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/badger.html
And what happens when people watch them both too much... Badger Phone
http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/badgerphone.html
-
ok....i admit it...i am sick....i am a blonde that loves blonde jokes...lol
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this,mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee."
-
((originally posted by Master Gryphon))
http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/All_da_Crap_is_here/Caroline.swf
am not going to say much about this one..but guys enjoy
-
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
-
~sneaks in and tacks up an addy~
http://gprime.net/flash.php/poopfrusteration
~giggling and running back to camp to hide~
-
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
-
~sneaks back in and tack up another addy~giggling as she scampers back to camp~
http://gprime.net/video.php/tornmime
((turn Y/your speakers on ;))
-
I just have to add this one to the thread...it always makes me laugh..
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/numanuma.html
-
~bol~...thank You Mistress that is funny!!
swiped this from upstairs on the Front Stage Boards
(posted by Demura)
This was an email I recieved from my Aunt Vicky. She's a special one that told me when I said to her, "Aunt Vicky...is the whole family crazy?" "No, we are not...*sly look* we're eccentric"
As I've Matured...I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent
-
Words With Dual - His and Hers - Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a groin protector.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
-
just alil something i found
http://www.geocities.com/masters_bestia/cat_in_the_hood.html
-
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on
the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I
will screw you from behind and be on my way!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said
"That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in 20 cent pieces.
-
The Aussie Way
An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea."
Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.
A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.
The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*#kin' crowbar from Bunnings."
-
It was like this, Your Honor...I actually kept my mammogram
appointment. I was met with, "Hi, I'm Belinda!" This perky
clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to
one side and crooned,
"All I need you to do is step into this room here, strip to
the waist, then slip on this gown.
'Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try decaf.
This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare
the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man
invented this machine.
It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG.
Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
nice...it's Spandex. We can't be stretched, pulled and
twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop
back into shape. Belinda flipped me, (literally), to the
left and said, "Can you stand on your tippee toes and lean in
a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so
why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and
finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied
gravity, (with my other boob wedged between those two 4"
pieces of square glass), when we heard, then felt, a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! "What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda
headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this
vice alone, are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said,
"Oh, you fussy puppy, the door's wide open
so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout, NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's
exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire,
found me, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of
Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging
polite "Hi-how's-it-going?"-type greetings, Bubba, (or possibly
Earl), asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was
off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible, "Uh, yes...yes I did, thanks." "You'd
better, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though
I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezed in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh, I
am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot
about you! And, silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honour, is exactly how Belinda's head ended up
between the clamps."
-
LMTAO
-
::) :-\
-
For Rags!
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
;D ;D ;D
-
JDBOLMTAO!!!
-
~bumps this back up with something I found hilarious~
A warning for the Women out there!!
See if this sounds familiar!!! It must be an epidemic! Some of this has happened to me! Now I finally have a good explanation. This is a heads-up to those friends who haven't experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have.
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine??
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next??
My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.
That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you???
The next time you suspect someone has had a face lift, look again. Was it lifted from you??
I think I finally found my thighs ... and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.
Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
-
*lol* oh gods... I agree... it's a total conspiracy.
-
egawds....
-
Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
A married couple are driving along a road doing
a steady forty miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear
voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I
want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps
looking at the road ahead but slowly increases the speed to 45
mph.
The husband speaks again.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says,
"because I've
been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far
better lover
than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel a
little
tighter and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says.
Insistently. Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit
cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete
bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there
anything
you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice,
"No, I've
got
everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?", he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife
turns to him and smiles........."The airbag."
Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
-
Things To Think About
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Or should that read, but it takes THREE Tuchuk men to start a cook fire? ~ducks~
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-
Do Lipton employes have coffee breaks?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why do we try to say everything phonetically..when phonetically is not even spelled phonetically?
Why is little such a big word..and big such a little word?
If we have baby silverware for little kids..does that mean Asian babies use tooth picks?
Why do you send cargo by boat and a shipment by land?
-
Personifacation of Monday mornings!!!!
http://media3.big-boys.com/content/mondayssuck1.wmv
-
i know that feeling!!! LOL
-
*chuckles* my dog does that sliding along her chain link fence.... apparently it's a good scratching mechanism.....
-
I have a question??? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?????????????
oh and that's me every morning... next
-
You want kids? ;D
...watch this...
http://www.sharpjokes.com/images_store/BeSmart.mpg
*grin*
-
now THAT was one of the best condom commercials I have ever seen LOL
-
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name, had been in my high school class some 40 odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm.... or could he? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central High School. "Yes, yes, I did," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1951, why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me, and then that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked... "What did you teach?"
;D
-
LMTAO
-
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
;D ;D ;D
(Could we make this thread a sticky, like it was on the old boards, please?)
-
*just rolls my eyes* argh that was bad
-
I will take a room with a view, please... because it took me three times to re-read that last line for it to make sense
-
stuck..
and.. uh.. woobie is normal... LMAO~
-
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names,
a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also
has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin
and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for VIAGRA.
After careful consideration by a team of
government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon
be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by
Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a
mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally
pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names
of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned
"stiff drink."
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
"MOUNT & DO."
-
LOL
-
~hides all the Mount & Do from Kan and goes to hide herself~
-
jfdl
-
-eyes everyone and everything-
-
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong ,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a Golf Course.
This doesn't rhyme
and I don't care.
Amen
-
A guy phones the local hospital and yells: "You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!"
The nurse says: "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He replies: "No! This is her husband!"
-
LOL @ both!!!
-
http://quizilla.com/users/extraterrestrial/quizzes/What%20Christmas%20Ornament%20are%20you%3F/
(http://live.quizilla.com/user_images/E/extraterrestrial/1068036311_smistletoe.jpg)
im the mistletoe
-
I'm Christmas Garland... *lol*
Commonly used to decorate Christmas trees, these garlands were first introduced in 1890 by german Company Lauscha (Thuringia) in the form of shaped glass beads strung together.
-
(http://images.quizilla.com/E/extraterrestrial/1068036181_stmasholly.jpg)
You are the Christmas Holly.
-
(http://images.quizilla.com/E/extraterrestrial/1068035799_istmasball.jpg)
-
(http://images.quizilla.com/E/extraterrestrial/1068036154_tmaslights.jpg)
-
*smiles*
-
I Love Snow
December 8, 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season! The wife and I took our hot chocolate and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge, soft flakes drift down from Heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print! It was so romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon, the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says that by the end of winter we'll have so much snow that I'll never want to see it again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so! The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
Twenty inches forecast for tonight. Sold my van and bought a 4 x 4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all!
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt while putting salt on the driveway. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right! I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another fourteen inches of the darn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Blasted snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, but they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because thirteen more inches of the white mess fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, visited the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Bob has a plow on his truck. I tried to hire him for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he’s lying.
December 23
Only two inches of snow today! And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What...is she nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24
Six inches. Snow packed hard by the snowplows. I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his fingernails. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the darned snowplow.
December 25
Merry Christmas! Twenty more inches of the #@&*@#& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I really hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WIFE is driving me crazy!!
December 29
Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine inches predicted.
December 31
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
...Author Unknown
;D
-
~bol~
-
*dies laffing* THIS would be why my dad has a plow attached to his tractor and just clears the yard out in minutes... *lol* and while he's doing that he's in his nice warm heated cab of the tractor. See?Uis Saskies aren't dumb... we just press our luck by taking said tractor and blade onto the slough to clear it off for skating..... *chuckles*
-
JDL!!!
-
I love the snow, don't have to shovel it, or do anything else to it, just sit inside and let hubby drive around in it... ~ducks and RUNSSSSSSSSSSSS~
-
'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
-
Barbie's Christmas List! :o)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996
Dear Santa:
Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:
Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.
6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.
It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
-
the last one is the reason I am very glad I don't live in Cali anymore, lived maybe 20 mins away from Mattel, and the last time that place caught fire... PHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
-
JDL
-
Ken's Christmas List! :o)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ken
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1998
Dear Santa:
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically
asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks
were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take
this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs
and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential
treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have
a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.
My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon
Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be
considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie
needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to
the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this
issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result
in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least
that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
-
The Fucking Night Before Christmas, Dammit
==========================================
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimeny apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"
((*laughs and grins* I just coulnd;t resist posting this))
-
Christmas funnies are GREAT -tilts head- Though, pretezels and beer in the stockings? Reminds me of the hubby's home town -ain't kidding!-
-
You're an 80's kid if:
>>1. You ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE".
>>2. You watched Pound Puppies.
>>3. You can sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".
>>4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
>>5. You yearned to be a member of the babysitters club and tried to
>>start one of your own.
>>6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
>>7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on "Blossom"
>>8. Two words: M.C.Hammer
>>9. If you ever watched Fraggle Rock
>>10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars. (HECK YEAH!!!)
>>11. You can sing the entire theme song to "DuckTales"
>>12. It was actually worth getting up on Sat morning to watch cartoons.
>>13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
>>14. You saw "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen.
>>15. You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer
class.
>>16. You had a clip that held your shirt in a knot at the side.
>>17. You played the game MASH (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
>>18. You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.
>>19. L.A. Gear... need I say more.
>>20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in kindergarten.
>>21. You remember all of the Ramona books.
>>22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF".
>>23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
>>24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some head to toe)
>>25. You can remember what Michael Jackson REALLY looked like.
>>
>>26. You ever wondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
>>
>>27. You took garbage pail kids to school.
>>
>>28. You remember the CRAZE! , then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
>>
>>29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
>>
>>30. Barbie and the Rockers were your fav band.
>>
>>31. You thought She-Ra and He-Man should hook up.
>>
>>32. You thought your childhood friends would never leave you b/c
>>you exchanged friendship bracelets.
>>
>>33. You ever owned a pair of jelly shoes. (and probably in neon
>>colors)
>>
>>34. After Pee-Wee's Big Adventures you kept saying "I know you are
>>but what am I".
>>
>>35. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up".
>>
>>36. You remember skating before inline skates.
>>
>>37. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip-n-slide.
>>
>>38. You had a Skip-it.
>>
>>39. You had or attended a b-day party at Mc Donald's.
>>
>>40. You've gone thru this nodding your head in agreement.
>>
>>41. "Don't worry, Be happy!!"
>>
>>42. You wore like 8 pair of socks over tights w/high top Reeboks.
>>
>>43. You wore socks scrunched down.
>>
>>44. "Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK".
>>
>>45. Boom boxes vs. Cd players.
>>
>>46. Both Gremlin movies.
>>
>>47. "CARE BEAR STARE!!!"
>>
>>48. You remember Rainbow Bright and My Lil PonyTales.
>>
>>49. You thought Doogie Howser was hot!
>>
>>50. You remember Johnny Depp because of 21 Jump Street!!
>>
>>51. Alf, the furry brown alien from Melmac.
>>
>>52. New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
>>
>>53. Knew all the characters and there life stories on the ORIGINAL
>>Saved By the Bell.
>>
>>54. Know all the words to Bon Jovi- SHOT THRU THE HEART.
>>
>>55. You just sang it to yourself.
>>
>>56. You remember when Mullets were cool.
>>
>>57. You tight rolled your pants.
>>
>>58. You owned a banana clip!
Bad part is....I can answer yes to almost all of these questions.
YES.. I am a child of the 80's!
But they forgot to mention Thundercats and Snorkels...
-
LMTAO @ all of these!!!
-
just a few thought i had swimmin around
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
-
LMTAO
-
*looks around, then counts*.. yep.. it's me.. LMAO!!
oh yeah, I wonder about those things too...
-
hmmm lookin to her friends.. and recountin.. nope all three of them are nuts too sooo i must be the sane one.. hehehehehehe.. (( but if you ask them i'm nuts too.lol))
huggles these are all soo cute.. and as to the 80s yeppers i remmeber some of them my kids drove me nuts with these but sat mornin cartoons you bet i was up before they were to watch em.. lol
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Answers to Why God made Moms ,
given by 2nd grade school children
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out o f there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller &stronger, but moms have all the real power
'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head
-
http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=186 (http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=186)
MIDGET DANCE!! -ish a midget, it's not meant to harm midgets or be derogatory- I love midget dancing!
-
http://www.risingstarkaraoke.com/monday_test.html
I got all of em.. *proud look*
-
Your Score: 10 out of 11
Your Rating: Wow! Come to work for us!
Now Here's the Twist;
Your answers not only can tell your current intelligence,
but the combination can also forcast your upcoming love life:
Your Projected Love Life: Your love life is mediocre
-
Your Score: 7 out of 11
Your Rating: Normal Intelligence
Now Here's the Twist;
Your answers not only can tell your current intelligence,
but the combination can also forcast your upcoming love life:
Your Projected Love Life: Wow! Your love life is bitchin
If that ain't a crock
JEB
-
*got 11 out of 11*
my love life might bloom soon..
*laughs*
-
(http://images.quizilla.com/E/extraterrestrial/1068036516_istmasstar.jpg)
You are the Christmas Star.
just a little slowwwwwwwwwww.... *grins*
(((woobie please can you fix this for me please please please)))
done, my sweets.. *hugs* woobie
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What Christmas Ornament are you?
(http://live.quizilla.com/user_images/E/extraterrestrial/1068036040_istmasdove.jpg)
You are the Christmas Dove.
fixed yours too,sweetie.. *hugs* woobie
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Women Over 30
A very smart man recently said: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it! She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's an update for you. A recent survey showed 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
-
-bought the entire pig...twice now..first time.it was for just a little sausage...this time..well.... just grins-
-
Now, it's for a BIG sausage.
*runs*
-
*dies laffing and high 5's dee* Hmm.. I bought the entire pig... but I still get all the sausages I want... what does THAT tell ya! *LOL*
-
I haven't bought the pig yet.. but sausage is in great supply.. ;D
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(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/yaya/px9.jpg)
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http://www.funnyinside.com/DeepThroat.shtml
-
Orgasm Simulator (http://viral.lycos.co.uk/attachments/3939/Orgasmic_Simulator2.htm)
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A man in England calls his son in the USA two days before Christmas and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Canada and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls England immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there! I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife." Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
;D
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The Female Language
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has when she wants to cut you, slice you and cover you with hot bacon grease. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare so don't be an idiot. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows)
This means, "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't give a d*&#. You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot, moron or troll at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here with your sorry ass, and arguing with you over "Nothing."
Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not to move, flinch or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that", or: "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. Run far, run fast and NEVER EVER look back. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your PC, DVD player and big screen TV out the 11th floor window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a big ol' greasy lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and the statement "Go ahead", all followed by unspeakable acts so hideous they are unprintable.
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before implementing payback. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned. "That's okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you'd better be ready. You're gonna look like a Section 8 eviction, shit all out on the curb. Check your mirrors for the next 6 months. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.
Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to dig the hole you're in even deeper as you try to come up with an excuse or reason for doing whatever it is you have done. You have a chance to tell the truth ... but don't. Lie like a rug and stick to it like Velcro. STICK TO THE LIE!!! But be careful you don't get a "That's okay". If you do, stick and move baby, stick and move. Skillets and pots will be flyin.
Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint or pee yourself; just say you're welcome and don't move the rest of the day.
Thanks a Lot
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks a Lot" when she is really about to "catch a case". It's 'bout to be on, up in here. It signifies that you have hurt her in some cold, callous way. She will probably call her 4 brothers to come over and mop the street with your brains. These words are usually followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
You did WHAT?
This means she found out about that hoochie across town and you'd better crawl out the window and creep up the sidewalk like a cat. She's about to get her piece, so step ... and step hard. Forget your car, just run and hide. You can come back and get your ride. If "You did WHAT?" is followed by "you bastard", hit the floor immediately, cause she's about to set the chamber on that 9 that she keeps under the pillow.
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A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Iowa, and I'm driving the damn SALT TRUCK!"
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this is a lot of fun :D
http://www.popularfront.com/snowdays/index.html (http://www.popularfront.com/snowdays/index.html)
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Mistress Yaya, you forgot Never Mind, I'll get it
That means the man has forgotten to take care of some nasty little task and she is tired of waiting for it. It will be paid back with Nothing, Fine and That's Okay...
LMAO~
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~Whispers~ woobie... We can also add:
Nevermind. It's not important.
Of course, meaning that the only thought in her head at that moment is his slow and painful death. This will end up in one of the arguments that last "five minutes" and will end with the word "fine"
You think so?
This means that you are an idiot. There's no two ways about it here. You have your head shoved so far up your ass that it will take a team of surgeons to remove it for you. This will end with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" and probably end with you in a body cast.
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*makin notes and wondering if she can get away sayin any of these to a Master*.. grins an bounces off quick...
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~Laughs~ I'd recommend against that one, darlin.
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Exercises for your first Mammogram!
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!
Exercise 1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.
Exercise 2
Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Exercise 3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your mammogram!
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*blink blink blinks*
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http://www.blogpulse.com/blogs2005/2005_TopAudio.html
listen to #4 the "Voice Mail Accident Report"
*HOWLING*
my cousin has too much free time at work to have found this...
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oh LORD.. *LOL* if the guy that ran the red light thought he could have blamed his mistake on them, he certainly had another thnk coming.. *laffs* Just goes to prove... never underestimate the power of an old lady... *grin*
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~falls out of her chair laughing~ OMG I soooooooooo needed that this morning... "she's hitting him with her bible" ~HOWLS~
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http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf
(http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf)
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spssss Women dont ever listen -w-
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Good Housekeeping Ways vs. Real Women Ways:
The Good Housekeeping Way #1
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
The Good Housekeeping Way #2
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Women's Way
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
The Good Housekeeping Way #3
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 2 ounces of tequila. Drink the Tequila. You might still have the headache, but at least you will be too drunk to give a shit.
The Good Housekeeping Way #4
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way
Go ask mister tight-ass, cute-legs, single neighbor to do it for you.
The Good Housekeeping Way #5
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way
Leftover wine?? Huh?? What the hell is "leftover wine?"
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*dies laffing at #5 as I recall the bottle of reisling that I polished off... by myself... in one evening*
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Mistress Taryn: I believe that is called, "putting the fear of God into him." ;D ;D ;D
And dies laughing... 'cause I'm obviously a REAL woman!
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The Voodoo Penis
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
The rest is history.
-
BITCHOLOGY
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a
bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a
bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a
bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a
bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that, So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch ,
so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything
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(http://www.freespaces.com/wyldechylde/pic06479.jpg)
-
Top 10 things not to tell the woman in your life
10. Come on, who's gonna find out?
9. I promise you wont choke.
8. Can I get you in the pooper?
7. Trust me, I'm a professional.
6. Well, your sister likes it like that.
5. Wow look at the ass on her!
4. Now why cant your boobs be that big?
3. I gotta poop.
2. Oh you forgot to shave today too?
1. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
-
The Cat in The Hat
on aging
I cannont see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my god, what can I do??
My memory shrinks
my hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like Hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
have trouble pooping
The Golden Years
have come at last
The Golden Years
can kiss my ass
-
30 Years Difference:
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: KEG
2003: EKG
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor
1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? (Sorry)
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(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/taryn/nogolf.jpg)
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Many greetings from "Savi the Singer" ;D ;D ;D
http://www.witze-welt.de/videos/kannnichtsingen.php
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JDL!!!
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Stupid People
1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.
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I got this in email from jale{K}... *LMAO*... I know she would love to share it..
I subtitled it..
How to Understand Your Ubar
Why Are Men Happy?
Men Are Just Happy People-- What do you expect
From such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when
You're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95
For a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas
Shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happy
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It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemimadelivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, pass it on to someone who kneads it.
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OMG Amantha
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This got all of PEI laughing. Read it and you'll see why!
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing
this.
Many PEI folks DID hear this on the 92-FM morning show in PEI.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The
game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random
yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge
the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they
both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months
ago made the Charlottetown City drop to its knees with laughter and
is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on 93-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the
Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(Touchtones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with 93-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
And the drivers of PEI almost crashed their cars laughing!
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OMG Muse..
Is any Man missing something??
http://wcco.com/watercooler/watercooler_story_055061505.html
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omg...
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good LORD!! *lol*
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There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot all about it.
Now I'm 80, and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
;D
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A Mexican comes looking for a job, but the foreman on site won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9.
"Without numbers?" The Mexican says, "Dat is oh so easy senor" And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the foreman asks?
"Ave you got no brain boss? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Mexican.
"Fair enough," says the foreman, bemused. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Mexican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat make 99."
The foreman is getting slightly worried that he's going to actually have to hire this smart assed Mexican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Mexican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go boss. One hundred."
The foreman looks at the attempt. "You must be off your trolley if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Mexican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred."
"So, when I start boss?"
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a Master send this to cat in email ans she can't stop laughing at it
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and
tells her that her hair smells good. After a week of this, she can't
stand it anymore,
takes her complaint to the supervisor in the personnel
department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment
grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this
decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling
you your hair smells good?"
The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget
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I had just gotten this in My e-mail box and laughed at it.
The New Version of the Birds & Bees...
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway. Your mom and I first got together in a Chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via Email with your mom, and we met at a Cyber-Cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a Download
from my Hard Drive. As soon as I was ready to Upload, we discovered that
neither of us had used a Firewall, and since it was too late to hit
the Delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and
said: You've Got Male."
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a little boy walks into his praents bedroom and the blankest are flipping...the little boy says.."Dad, what are you doing?"
He says to the boy. "I'm playing cards"
The little boy asks, "Dad, who it your partner?"
Dad answers, "your mom."
The little boy leaves the room. Later, Dad goes into the tell his son goodnight and the blankets are flippin. Dad ask, "Son, what are you doing?"
The little boy answers, "I'm playing cards."..Dad asks, "Who is you partner?"
The little boy answers, "You don't need one when you have a good hand."
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egawds....
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Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
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Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks.
"What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
First -
You have to drink that entire fifth of pepper tequila,
the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second -
There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You
have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. -
There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a fifth of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the fifth with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then..............silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
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egawds....
only you sis... only you....
LOL
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~BOL~ That is histerical Muse
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Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.
By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
Honey The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under
the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,
it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It
was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
spied hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the
sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at
the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging
from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in
this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done- that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
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a refresher for those who missed it and for those who haven't seen it, here's nice little gift...
http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/taryn/viking_kittens.swf
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thank You for sharing again Taryn........ I love the gift ...way funny made My day with smiles
Hura
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here is something I just got in My e-mail box*LOL*
Subject: Political Correctness
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America;
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred
to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore...
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED
AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY
APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID BRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE"
-
JDL
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R-RATED RIDDLES
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise ahillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
-
~just groans~ D's parents are here this weekend.. ~ponders whether or not I'd miss my truck~
-
Two questions: Is it insured? Is there a cliff nearby?
-
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -------------------------
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ............................. either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires! :o
-
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber....
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to t he entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
-
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my ! GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful .. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
-
Subject: Miss Beatrice
>
>
>Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
> married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One
>afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
>sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
>
> As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
>cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in
>the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and
>scones, they began to chat.
>
>The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
>strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
>resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
>this?" pointing to the bowl.
>
>"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
>Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
>
> The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
>would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
>winter."
-
OMG!!!
JDL
-
why??
Why, Why, Why ?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/files/ATT11322.jpg)
(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/files/Bunnies.gif)
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(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/files/Brokeback.jpg)
(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/files/Coffee.jpg)
(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/files/Milkman.jpg)
(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/files/nun.jpg)
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Brokeback Mountain 2 looks good. -nod nod nod- ;D
-
THE BOX OF CHOCOLATES
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you
were married, or wish you weren't married, this is
something to smile about the next time you open a box
of chocolates:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips
in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo
woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was
a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a
silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a
bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman
just sat silently, looking intently at everything she
saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
white bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a
box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
"The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said: "Good trade."
*GRINS and runs*
-
-LMTAO- I'm sorry, but that IS funny!
-
A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
(you'll love this one...................)
"Cleanup, Register 5"
-
Bran Muffins
They were 85 years old, and had been married for
60 years. Though not young, they were both in very
good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on
healthy foods and exercise.
One day, their good health didn't help when they
went on a rare vacation and their plane
unfortunately crashed, sending them off to heaven.
They reached heaven, St. Peter escorted them
inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, with a
fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master
bath.
They gasped in astonishment when Peter said,
"Welcome to heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was
going to cost. "Why, nothing," said St. Peter.
"Remember, this is your reward in heaven."
The old man looked out the window and he saw a
championship golf course, finer and more beautiful
than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens
fees?" asked the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play
for free, every day, any time of the day you want."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish
buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out
before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic
deserts, and free
flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St.
Peter tothe man. "This is heaven, and it is all free
for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at
his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low
cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he
asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You
can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever
you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This
is heaven!"
The old man inquired, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran
muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!"
-
son-in-law
A father goes to his daughter's bedroom and finds a dildo in top of the bed..upset and after pondering on it he decides to confront her about it. When she comes back from college he sits her down and says " Child we need to talk, i found this...can u explain to me the meaning of this?" " Its simple father" she answers " you have told me i must be careful and act wise when it comes to sexual relations... and i decided to let loose to my sexual desires and my hormonal awakening with this dildo...you see it does not give me aids its ready when i want it i dont have to suck it so it can perform...it gives it to me anyway i want it whenever i want it, doesnt get me pregnant and its faithfull to me, so i decided to take it for my sexual partner" Her father looks at her seriously and thinking about the logical reasons she gave decided to let it all go on. After a couple of days the daughter comes home and finds her father in the living room with a glass of whiskey in one hand and the vibrator on the dildo on the other...astonished she screams " Dad what the hell are u doing with my dildo? Her father all calmed looks at her with glassy eyes and with slurry words answers " Whaaaat the fuck can't I have a couple of drinks with my son in law????
-
OH GODS....
-
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
-
A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
--------------------
Under the Weather Jokes...
16. Rumor has it that the new Miami baseball team will be called "Humidity" so that fans in Florida will be able to say, "It's not the Heat that's so bad, it's the Humidity."
15. The U.S. has only three hurricane warning centers - Coral Gables, FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI (recently completed). All three have faced Category 4 hurricanes in the past month. Which only goes to show: If you build it, they will come!
14. I really don't understand why the federal government was so slow to send aid to the areas hit by Hurricane Andrew. After all, both Florida and Louisiana have oil.
13. It was so hot today I saw a robin picking earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.
12. What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
11. How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Ranier, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
10. An honest weatherman says, "Today's forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I'm wrong."
9. First cave man to 2nd cave man: "I don't care what you say. We never had such unusual weather before they started using bows and arrows."
8. Nate: "Hey, what's the weather like out there?" Kate: "I don't know. I'll tell you when it clears."
7. Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open? Because she expected some change in the weather.
6. It's a bit "muggy" in New York today.
5. There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
4. A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
3. Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?" The other snarls, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."
2. There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said, "It looks like a storm is coming." "No it isn't," said his wife. "Besides, how would you know?" "Because," he responded, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
1. A weather forecaster took a job in another part of the country. When asked why he transferred he replied, "The weather didn't agree with me."
----------------------------
Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather?
A) He's got bugs on his teeth.
----------------------------
A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.
He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.
After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.
He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.
During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain." His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?" To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"
------------------------------------
Why Phoenix summers are sot HOT . . .
... We go to McDonalds to get coffee and pour it on our laps -- just to cool off!
... The farmers must feed their cows ice cubes, so they don't give powdered milk.
... The farmers feed their chickens ice chips, so they don't lay hard boiled eggs.
... They don't bother making themometers that go below 70 degrees.
-
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why ye s, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Uh Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
-
Classic...
It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma
to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their
jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked
with a P); and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
----------------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in *beep*.
S: Something tightened in *beep*.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in *beep*.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last ...
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget......
-
JDL
-
Roy died laffing as I read these off to him... *grin*
Kitya
-
*cracking the heck uP*
http://www.badgirl1.com/PMS.htm
-
egawds....
-
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in
their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?" The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls
light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde
woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy..................go git cha Momma...............
-
talena~ this was too good to leave in email... thanks!
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
-
10 Things Men Don't Know About Women
1. Remember in old movies when women used to swoon and "take to the bed" for days at a time? That never happens. We're stronger than that. That being said, if we ever decide to "take to the bed" for days at a time, there's not a thing you can do about it.
2. Sometimes we think we really understand men. Then we regain consciousness.
3. Superskinny women really irritate us. We hate when they say, "Sometimes I just forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my anniversary and where I parked my car. But I've never forgotten to eat.
4. We do like to have sex, just not at midnight when we have to get up at the crack of dawn to feed two kids, three dogs, and a pair of fat goldfish.
5. We'll gladly agree to stop complaining about our "time of the month" if men will kindly take over the little chores of childbearing, morning sickness, and postpartum emotional swings. Deal?
6. Women really do want to be on time. It's just that everything starts so darned early.
7. We know high heels are sexy, but we'll take our comfy black Uggs any day of the week.
8. Homespun wisdom from someone who knows: Just because we're southern belles doesn't mean we have bats in our belfries.
9. We really do like to cook. It's just that we cooked so much for our boyfriends before we got married that we're sick of being in the kitchen. Sorry you missed it.
10. Men are free to think they're the boss, as long as they know we're the chairman of the board.
_________
Now, I may not agree with it all, but #2, #3, and #6 get a big "Hell, yeah!" from the dee-mon!
-
nods an giggles.. agreein with ya sis.. but think that last one is up there also... **looks around for the bday boy then scrams....to hide**
-
A man was walking along the beach in California and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, " I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one."
The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly, Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.
The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
-
SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN
AT THE
"LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS"
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY
Monday, August 31, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED
TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PMfor 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PMfor 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum ..
Mon! day at 8 :00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PMfor 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Prayer and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PMfor 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
-
*goes thru the list and checks off the ones Roy has apparently already taken.. hmmmm
Class 1.... we have a fridge with ice dispenser... he's excused.
Class 2.... received diploma
Class 3.... needs to take
Class 4.... REALLY needs to take
Class 5.... received diploma
Class 6.... received diploma
Class 7.... received diploma (altho I need this one)
Class 8.... sends cards while on ship... figure it's the same thing so received diploma
Class 9.... needs to take, altho rarely gets lost
Class 10... needs to take
Class 11... needs to take
Class 12... needs to take
Class 13... received diploma
Class 14... received diploma with honours!
Ya know... lookin over this... I really do have an exceptional man... *grin* I'se a lucky gal! ;D
-
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.
I thought the results were pretty interesting:
25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and
they would have married him anyway...
*howling laughter* this goes right along with ..
Sometimes, I wake up grumpy. .
sometimes, I leave him sleeping and go about my day..
LOL
*scrams*
-
SWAT!!!
-
*steals that last saying of woobies cuz well..I LIVE with Grumpy *BOL*
LM
-
*sitting on my pillow, still laughing*
LOL
-
-hopes to be in the 65%- :-\
-
LMFAO!!!
http://www.sugarbushsquirrel.com/
I think it's a toss up for me of the New Orleans Mardi Gras squirrel and the Rolling Squirrels performing at halftime Super Bowl XL
LOL
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that is a VERY patient squirrel!!! dang!!! *lol*
-
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the Gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the! Next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady "Up or down ?" She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."
-
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
-
*rolls around laughing*
-
-likes A, B, and C. nod nod nod-
-
TITS!!!
TITS!!!
TITS!!!
TITS!!!
TITS!!!
TITS!!!
*has a meltdown*
-
hey!! mine aren't fake!! just.... baby induced. *lol*
-
THE BEST LAWYER STORY SO FAR THIS YEAR - 2006
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
-
This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.
John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath,he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying and he wasn't drunk.
About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Bruce, there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
-
Oh. MY God.
-
Oldies
Very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,
(mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
* * * * * * * * *
A gentleman went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"
* * * * * * * * *
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I
just wet my pants.
* * * * * * * * *
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new
restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man
thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower
you give to someone you love?
You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?
* * * * * * * * *
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a
chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I
don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
of her hospital gown."
* * * * * * * * *
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a
bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember
it?"
she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on
top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He
says, "I can remember that.You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget
that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to
write it down, I can remember it.
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old
man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment."Where's my toast?"
* * * * * * * * *
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she
good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook
too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church
mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the
world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"
* * * * * * * * *
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
* * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
* * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor
spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur; be careful!'"
* * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
-
Interesting and True Facts
These are some really interesting facts
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out
mentally, didn't you?)
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (I'll betyou're going to check this out.)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
*** "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous (You're not doubting this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say ...... a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. (Who Cares?)
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. (but who really cares?)
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. (Again, who cares?)
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about
what my memory span is)
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. (Don't give a damn, I'm never gonna get that close.)
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
(Wouldn't buy from him anyway)
Almonds are a member of the peach family. (Nah, really?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. (Seems longer sonetimes)
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. (Why bother?)
There are more chickens than people in the world. (Thank God!!)
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. (That's what I call "pushing it")
Women blink nearly twice as much as men. (And don't seem to miss much) Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
.................Now you know everything!
-
Actually... *wrygrin* some of those are inacurate... first off, Mythbusters proved that goldfish DO have a memory span that is longer than 3 seconds, and can even be trained. AND.... *grin* The 2 dollar bill thing no longer applies since there IS no two dollar bill anymore... it's a 2 dollar coin, and there's no buildings on it... on one side is the Queen, and on the other side is a polar bear and her cub. HOWEVER, depending on where you put your fingers, the polar bears can look like a flock of penguins, or a T-Rex's head.
*chuckles*
-
Damn.. Kitya beat me to it... I'm a Mythbusters geek too....
-
Neener neener neener!! *lol* I even have my dvr set to record all the new shows, just to make sure I don't miss them, and so that Roy and I can watch when he gets home next month! I'm just ticked that I didn't record the MEGA blast when they made, and blew up, the bomb... I KNOW Roy would have liked that! *lol*
-
GOOD BYE MOM
I was shopping at Publix and noticed a little old lady following me around. I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me. She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
I answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store", it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me. Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much.. I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
-
Collar the clerk... then chase down the old woman and slay her.
::)
-
ok... naughty naughty jokes from pleasure...
whats a blonde's mating call?
i think im drunk!
whats an ugly blonde's mating call?
i SAID i think im drunk!
whats a brunettes mating call?
are those damn blondes gone yet?
whats a redheads mating call?
NEXT!
*ducks and runs for cover*
-
OMG... -dies laughing-
-
hey.............. chanz is no wait chanz is auburn okies.. *smiles an saunters off*
-
*blink blink blinks*
-
*laughs*
cause mine has long been...
you can't be first, but you can be next... LOL
(its the redhead in me I guess)
-
or in some cases... after you i come first....lol
-
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/tegutai/cat1.jpg)(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/tegutai/cat2.jpg)(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/tegutai/cat3.jpg)(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/tegutai/cat4.jpg)(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/tegutai/cat5.jpg)
-
*just freakin dies laffin*
-
General Motors Versus Microsoft
At one computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because almost none of the controls would operate the same way as in the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
-
OH my God, that's great. BOL!
I once worked for MSN, and all I have to say is... yep!
-
I totally love number 7... *laffs*
-
Flag Pole
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," Bubba said, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."
-
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody
Whose Job Is It?
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/taryn/cosmicdrum.jpg)
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
-
The ventriloquist cowboy and the Indian
While riding the range one day, a ventriloquist cowboy met an Indian riding
along with a dog and a sheep and decided to have some fun with him.
Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' good."
Indian is shocked . .
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian has a look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you?"
Horse: "Good."
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" indicating the Indian again.
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down
often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain."
Indian stares in utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep is liar."
-
CROSSING THE DELAWARE
Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me" came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 (((remember this number))) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and was storming furiously, and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (((remember this name))) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us, without Peters "
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me.
-
egawds...
-
Medical Distinction between balls and guts
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
-
LOL
-
Balls....Guts...I simply refer to it as Stupidity.
-
*He said -I don't know why you wear a bra;
you've got nothing to put in it.
She said -You wear pants don't you?
****
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea! You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart!
****
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said -Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
****
He said - How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said - I don't know. It has never happened.
****
He said - Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
She said -They already have boyfriends.
****
He said - What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
She said - A widow.
****
He said - Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said -Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator, and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.*
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the
barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to
climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line
Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific!
My son is also my pride and joy he started working for a big airline,
and then went to flight school to become a pilot.
Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the
majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer.
Then he started his own construction company and is now a
multimillionaire.
He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best
friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked:
"What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for
the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him.
And he hasn't done too badly either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000
square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends"
-
*groans*
-
That's so bad. -groans-
-
As promised to Master Ubar, based on the events of last night, my father/daughter shotgun joke:
A farmer had 3 daughters of dating age, and they all had a date on the same night. The first boy was met at the front porch with a shotgun, and the boy said "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we are going out to eat spaghetti, is she ready?
The farmer thought he looked harmless enough so he lowered his gun and let them leave.
A little while later, another boy pulls up, and approaches, and he is met with the shotgun as well. The boy says "Hi, my name is Joe, I am here for Flo, we are going to the show, can she go?" And the farmer thought he looked harmless enough, so he lowered the gun and let them leave.
Finally, the last boy pulls up, and says "Hi, my name is Chuck,,,
and the farmer shot him.
-
~sneaks this up...and scrams fast, laughing~
Masters Phoenix Night, Ubar, and Redbeard were sitting round the fires one night, unwinding, talking of raids and such, while drinking paga. As the newest bowls were served up, and the Three were about to begin the next round, when three flies land in the pungent liquid.
Master Phoenix, growled in disgust, and threw His paga into the fires...
Master Ubar, fishes out the fly, and downs the paga, as if nothing happened...
Master Redbeard also picks the fly out of His tasty beverage, but then holds it over the paga, yelling..."Spit it out! Spit it out ya bastard!!!"
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omg, I can so see that happening!
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~lmao~ me too, deeelicious! .. me too!!
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As promised to Master Ubar, based on the events of last night, my father/daughter shotgun joke:
A farmer had 3 daughters of dating age, and they all had a date on the same night. The first boy was met at the front porch with a shotgun, and the boy said "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we are going out to eat spaghetti, is she ready?
The farmer thought he looked harmless enough so he lowered his gun and let them leave.
A little while later, another boy pulls up, and approaches, and he is met with the shotgun as well. The boy says "Hi, my name is Joe, I am here for Flo, we are going to the show, can she go?" And the farmer thought he looked harmless enough, so he lowered the gun and let them leave.
Finally, the last boy pulls up, and says "Hi, my name is Chuck,,,
and the farmer shot him.
I like this farmer's style!!! LOL
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~sneaks this up...and scrams fast, laughing~
Masters Phoenix Night, Ubar, and Redbeard were sitting round the fires one night, unwinding, talking of raids and such, while drinking paga. As the newest bowls were served up, and the Three were about to begin the next round, when three flies land in the pungent liquid.
Master Phoenix, growled in disgust, and threw His paga into the fires...
Master Ubar, fishes out the fly, and downs the paga, as if nothing happened...
Master Redbeard also picks the fly out of His tasty beverage, but then holds it over the paga, yelling..."Spit it out! Spit it out ya bastard!!!"
LOL yuppers.... just another night in Tuchuk!!!
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OMG! Thats so what RB would do!
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido .. "What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor .
"Not a chance", she said . "He won't even take an aspirin" ..
"Not a problem", replied the doctor . "Give him! an "Irish Viagra" . It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee . He won't even taste it . Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress . The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate . He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in that Starbucks again!"
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that was just so cute Master... runs off giggling
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~bol~
now that...was funny :D
and ummm...this is something i found, that just me, well...giggle~
Interview with the Easter Bunny
EASTER BUNNY CHAT
With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not a busier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once a year, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions of boys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy and eggs as part of the celebration of Easter.
America Online spent a few minutes with the Easter Bunny as he was preparing for this year's task, for a tell-all, no-holds-barred interview. If you thought you knew the Easter Bunny, you just may be surprised.
America Online: Thanks for talking to us.
Easter Bunny: No problem. Do you mind if I eat while we talk? [takes out a packet of small green pellets] I've been in a rush recently.
AOL: Go right ahead. We've got a list of questions here, compiled from our members, and I'll just go down the list if you don't mind.
EB: Ready when you are.
AOL: The first question comes from Ted, in Dayton, Ohio. He writes: "We all know that Santa's Workshop is located at the North Pole. Does the Easter Bunny have a workshop, and if so, where is it located?"
EB: Well, Ted, the answer is yes, I do have a workshop. It's located in San Bernardino, California.
AOL: San Bernardino?
EB: That's right.
AOL: You have to understand that most people would have figured some place like Easter Island.
EB: Have you *been* to Easter Island? What a rock! It's the single most isolated piece of land on the planet. By the time we shipped fresh eggs there, we'd have chickens. Besides, San Bernardino has the sort of motivated labor pool we need.
AOL: Elves?
EB: Laid-off aerospace workers.
AOL: They would seem to be a little overqualified.
EB: Maybe. But now we have some lovely chocolate stealth bombers.
AOL: Our next question comes from Cindy, in Tempe. She writes: "Why is the Easter Bunny a bunny? Why couldn't it have been the Easter Kitty or the Easter Puppy?"
EB: That's a very good question. In fact, in the late 70s, we as an organization decided to play around with the whole "bunny" thing by recruiting prominent local animals to deliver Easter baskets. In 1978, when the experiment was at its height, we had an Easter Bunny, an Easter Coyote, an Easter Manatee and an Easter Komodo Dragon.
AOL: What happened?
EB: It just didn't work out. The Komodo dragon ate the eggs, the coyote just flaked out, and the manatee, if I may say so, was just about as dumb as a stick.
There were some other problems with the program, too. The less we talk about the whole Easter Man-Eating Bengali Swamp Tiger episode, the better. Now we stick with bunnies. We know bunnies. We can work with bunnies. Bunnies don't eat anyone.
AOL: Bob in Honolulu asks: "Is there is just one Easter Bunny? Moreover, has the same Easter Bunny been the Easter Bunny for the last couple of millennia?"
EB: The fact of the matter is that there are quite a few Easter Bunnies, and we've never made a secret about that. Unlike the Santa Claus operation, which works under the improbable assumption that one guy delivers all those presents -
AOL: Are you saying that Santa is a sham?
EB: I didn't say that. I never said that. What I am saying is that *we* don't work under the same sort of constraints. I mean, think about it. One bunny delivering baskets to several hundred million homes across the planet? The friction from the atmosphere alone would turn the poor guy into a bunny briquette. There'd be hideous charcoal smudges all over the baskets. "Easter Bunny" is a job description, not a proper name. It's like "Postal Carrier,"
except our employees very rarely become disgruntled.
AOL: So why are you THE Easter Bunny?
EB: Because I'm boss. You're not an Easter Bunny until I say you are.
AOL: How does one become an Easter Bunny?
EB: Well, it's not just hopping down the bunny trail, I'll tell you. First, for reasons already explained, you have to be a bunny. After that, we have a psychological evaluation and a battery of physical tests you have to pass.
We
can't afford to have an Easter Bunny cramp up at the beginning of his run.
AOL: Any famous rabbits turned down for the job?
EB: I don't want to name names. But one bunny who's making a living in the breakfast cereal industry, we had to let go. Any time a child would try to get an Easter basket from him, he'd back away and start snarling. He was a silly rabbit. Easter baskets are for kids.
AOL: He seems to have gotten better since then.
EB: Prozac helps.
AOL: Albert from Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, wants to know what the occupational hazards of being the Easter Bunny are.
EB: There are several. Large dogs are always a problem, of course: one moment you're delivering a basket of goodies, the next, a rottweiler named Pinochet is on you like a meat-filled sock. Nervous homeowners with guns wing a couple of bunnies a year, as do edgy cops and private security guards. We don't even bother trying to deliver to the children of militia members anymore; first they'll plug you for being on their land, then they'll make you into jerky and a pair of gloves. But you know what our number one problem is?
AOL: What?
EB: Sliding glass doors. Sometimes we'll just forget they're there. Man, that's embarrassing.
AOL: Here's an interesting question, from Amy, in New York City. She writes:
"How does the Easter Bunny get along with Santa Claus? It seems like Santa gets all the attention." And I have to say, I did notice some tension earlier, when you brought him up.
EB (looking uncomfortable): Well, you know, look. I don't want to say anything bad about the guy. He does what he does, and I do what I do. Professionally, we get along fine.
AOL: But privately?
EB: Is that tape recorder turned off?
AOL: Uh...sure.
EB: He's a big ol' pain in this bunny's bottom. For one thing, he's a prima
donna: always me, me, me, where's my hot tea, where's my corned beef sandwich, tell this dumb bunny to get his own dressing room. I'd rather be trapped in a sack with Joan Crawford. For another, he's totally paranoid of other large men.
He thinks that Luciano Pavarotti is trying to move into his territory. Last year it was John Goodman. He actually danced when Orson Welles kicked, waving his pistol and bellowing "Rosebud!" from the top of his lungs.
AOL: Wow. He seems a little scary.
EB: You think? And yet he gets all the publicity. Why? We do the same job.
Mine's actually tougher, since I'm moving perishable stuff. You can't have bad eggs or stale chocolate, you know. Folks wouldn't stand for it. I have to maintain strict quality control. The only food product he has to worry about is fruitcake. You could tile the Space Shuttle with fruitcake.
AOL: We're sure you have your own fans.
EB: It's like opening for the Beatles, is all. And he *is* the walrus, if you know what I mean.
AOL: One final question, from Pat, in Rockford, Illinois; "Does the Easter Bunny actually lay eggs? How does that happen, since the Easter Bunny is both male and a mammal?"
EB: Well, platypuses are mammals, and they lay eggs. So it's not impossible.
AOL: That still leaves the male part.
EB: We're quibbling on details, here.
AOL: Maybe there should be an Easter Platypus.
EB: Sorry. We tried that in '79.
-
LMTAO
and Holy shit! I used to live in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. heh
-
an email i received today
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say . a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is)
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know everything!
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*posts this quick and runs like BERAT is chasing her*
Dublin Ballerina
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in
Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy
a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the
end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed;
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a
lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Murphy,
it's your
business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to
be a ballerina!"
-
THE DIVORCE LETTER...
>
>
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you for good...!!!
I've been a good man to you for seven years and
I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been
hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and
that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice
that I had gotten a new
hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went
straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me
you love me anymore, you
don't want sex anymore or anything. Either
you're cheating on me or you
don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm
gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving
your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much
because they drown
out your constant whining and griping. Too bad
that doesn't work. I did
notice when you got a hair cut last week, the
first thing that came to mind was
You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised
me not to say anything
if you can't say anything nice. And when you
cooked my favorite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER,
because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago. I turned away from you when you
had those new silk boxers
on because the price tag was still on them. I
prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99... After
all of
this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit
the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job
and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope
you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your
letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but
Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
-
*hugs my email friends and scoots away before she gets a spanky* ;D
Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away
from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked,
"Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy
Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." we walked
along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering
this new information.
OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to
be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
-
STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!)
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Betty what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Was I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What
happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little
I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles?
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return
-
No matter how many times over the years I've read that taser story, it still nearly makes Me wet Myself, because it's just too fuckin' funny! ;D
-
-wonders what I need to do to get a taser-
-
The 4 puppies
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign
advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge
of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a
tug on his overalls. He looked down
into the eyes of little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer,
as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck,
"These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his
pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents.
Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer.
And with that
he let out a whistle.
"Here, Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by
four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence.
His eyes danced with delight.
As the dogs made their way
to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smal ler. Down
the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup
began hobbling toward the others,
doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The
farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy.
He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs
would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and
began rolling up one leg of his trousers.
In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his
leg, attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer,
he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need
someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes,
the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.
Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy.
"No charge," answered the farmer,
"There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who understands.
-
You know, I can think of a few people who might actually be like that dude with the taser and do exactly what he did....
Man that was hilarious. Reminds me of the guy that ran out of fluid for the BBQ and used "just a tad" of gasoline....
-
-wants a puppy now too-
-
heh heh heh
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice tha t I've only managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
*Hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo- ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color... Now that's funny ... Notttttttttt!!!!
-
JDL!!!
-
I have done something that is in my mind a bit more painful, to which is why I rarely if I can shave my legs with a regular razor...
Soaking in a tub of hot water, just finished cleaning myself and decide that I am going to shave my legs, it's only been about 2 weeks, but I liked to have my legs smooth... ~tries not to cringe~ Those who have seen me know how tall I am, well my back is against the back of the tub, my left leg propped up in the corner against that little shelf there, and my knee is slightly bent... I lean forward with the razor in my left hand, this is a slow moment, as I am right handed and I am very careful... ~cringes and pulls her leg up in remembrance~ just as the razor hits the skin and I start to go upwards, I hear gun shots, which is a normal occurance in the neighborhood we were living in... anyways, I jump, the blades of the razor digs into my ankle bone and rips upwards taking off at least 5 layers of skin... leg drops into the hot, soapy and dirty water and instead of screaming at first, I just think about passing out, but don't, got close... after it settles over me what happened, the bath water is a nice shade of red, I calmly call out to hubby for him to come in... he flips and the guys that were in the living room appear in the bathroom and get me out of the tub and start to take care of me...
So needless to say, I don't shave all that much unless my electric shaver is working, and since that's rare, as it's old, I tend to look like a Kassar Free Woman... ~sighs and goes off to hide~
-
*Shudders and Screams..... then RUNS!!!*
-
Yow Sis... However..have done something much like that..only no gunshots..no guys hanging out in the living room to take care of my naked butt..and I did it in the shower. Amber..is a klutz. -nods- Will show you the scar at the gathering -lol- Right above my ankle bone..bled for days.
-
pleasure remembers the evilness of the razor... the slaughter of the flesh... Kassar here we come Mistress Taryn, if pleasure doesnt have nair, shes hairy! *giggles and scampers*
-
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (Absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
-
JFDLMTAO!!! ;D
-
heh heh heh...
-
I... can't argue with that!
-
This was so darn funny, i just had to share. Requires a certain sick sense of humor to appreciate, but it seems we all share that here. Check out this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOQtifozjHY
-
hehehehehehe
THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden,but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A week later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
;D
-
LOL
-
Awww that's sweet of his Jail Bait son!
-
Mirror"
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,
he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
-
http://www.tagged.com/video_player.html?vid=121062&uid=20535631
glad our cats has not learn this...
-
LMTAO @ the mirror!!!
-
They would really have something going there if they trained the cat to use the toilet first!!!
::) :D
-
that is true Master Ubar.... giggles
-
lure ...looks at you ....*wg* .... I think you have too much time on your hands. Heaven ain't bad *w*
Krul
-
ari.... I laughed and laughed and laughed at the on ..... so damn funny!!!!
Krul
-
Teg
LOL ..... now that's thinking !!
Krul
-
ari.... I laughed and laughed and laughed at the on ..... so damn funny!!!!
Krul
*smiles big* i'm glad that there are those of us who have that sense of humor, Master
-
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him,
>"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
>
> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
>
> "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
urine
>sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.
>
> It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than
a
>doctor."
>
> So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Wal-Mart.
>
> He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the
>urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>
> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>
> "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>activity. It will improve in two
> weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
>
> That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe
>began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>
> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from
>his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
>
> Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He
deposits
>ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
>
> The computer prints the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
> 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
> 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
> 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get
>better!
>
> Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
-
omg!!!
now thats just funny~roflmtao~
-
LMTAO!!!
-
just having one of those days.....
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/lure/robinani.gif)
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Beware the DC......
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little over a year ago, I had an serious accident in my own shop involving my 3 hp Jet dust collector. The recent discussion about dust collecting has given me the "shove" necessary to write about it and the passage of time has dulled the memory to the point where I can now discuss it in public.
My wife is a sweetheart of a person, who I met for the first time while attending kindergarten in our home town of Marshall MO. She beat me up that first day of school. We were always friends during our school years and continued to be friends right up to the time we were married. We've
now been married for 29 years and she has mellowed to the point where she seldom beats me up anymore, since it upsets the dog when it happens.
About a year ago, my wife and I decided to "reward" ourselves for the last kid going off to college with a trip to Alaska and a leisurely cruise down the Inside Passage to Vancouver. It was to be a vacation of a lifetime for us. Planning for the trip went smoothly, with the only glitch being my good wife forgetting to make an appointment at the beauty parlor for
the day before we were to leave.
I spent the day before the trip straightening up my shop so that a burglar wouldn't trip over anything and sue me for his injuries. My wife came downstairs in the afternoon to ask me if I would trim her hair just a tad so that it would look better for the trip. Since I've been
virtually bald since my days in college, I have always just cut my own hair with an old pair of Oster clippers that I bought while in college. There, I had learned the simple fact that food is more important than a professional haircut.
In my shop, I have a 3-hp Jet dust collector that is fed via blast gates from both ducts in the floor AND via a 25' 4" flex hose that connects to the floor sweep/planer/jointer or other movable tools. Since my wife's hair is about 3" long, I thought that it'd be nice to hold the clippers inside
the 4" flex pipe so that her hair would stand straight out from her head. This would make it easier to get a smooth cut, in my opinion.
************************************************** ********************
note: FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MIGHT BE SENSITIVE, quit reading right here
************************************************** ********************
For those of you continuing to read this tale of woe, here's what happened. This is absolutely true and unadulterated or exaggerated.
My dear wife of 29 years, and the mother of my children, placed her rump on a stool I keep in the shop and proceeded to tell me exactly how much hair she wanted removed from the top, sides and bangs. I walked over to the DC, fired it up and closed off all but the blast gate leading to the 4" flex hose. With the old Oster clippers up inside the hose and me grasping the cutter end of them between my thumb and forefinger, I could hold the 4" flex hose with the other hand and maneuver both things easily. I leaned over my wife's pretty face and made the first cut- doing her bangs.
The hair stood out perfectly from her forehead and the results of that first swipe was terrific. I figured that I would probably get some reward from a beauty college for my wonderful invention. The second swipe was from side-to-side just above and behind the bangs. It went equally well.
Then all hell broke loose.
I claim that my wife moved, but she claims that claim is merely caused by the random firing of obviously defective neurons in my addled brain.
For the third swipe, I had walked around to the rear of my wife's head and was beginning to make the cut across the top of her head. Regardless of the cause (I still say it had to be her fault), the damn 4" flex hose somehow sucked down onto the top of her dear, sweet head. The clippers were running full bore inside the pipe and doing the job that Mr. Oster had designed his clippers to do.
The suction of a DC hose isn't great, but when even the most modest suction is spread over the area of a 4" hose (that conforms well to the shape of a wife's head), there actually is a momentary "grab." It startled my good wife, who let out with a squall and tried to stand up/
kick me/ brush the 4" hose off of her head and explain how I was mentally defective all at the same time. During all this, I was attempting to knock the hose away from her head as well. I naturally succeeded in dislodging it (actually, it probably fell off on its own), but it fell to
the OTHER side of her precious little head.
The result was that my wife now had perfectly trimmed bangs, followed by a bald stripe that went damn near from ear-to-ear across the top of her head. Think of it as an inverted Mowhawk that has been rotated 90 degrees. This was NOT what my dear wife had in mind when she asked me to trim a bit off of her hair.
This tale now goes from bad to worse, because I tried to remedy the problem by tapering the hair toward the "kerf" and shortening up the rest. Saying that my attempts to remedy the situation were unsuccessful would be like saying that Custer was unsuccessful at taming the Indians.
When that poor old woman finally got to the mirror, I knew that a personal Hell for me was at hand. It was. Now I stand just over 6', am in pretty good shape and tip the scales at almost 280#. My sweet wife and companion of all those years couldn't be over 5'-4", weighs a LOT less and has Multiple Sclerosis. However, she took one look at her new "do" and took off after me like a rabid doberman. She runs pretty darn well when she's mad. I learned something else that afternoon. I learned that the sweet old woman had obviously been kicked out of the Marine Corps because of her foul, potty mouth. The things that woman said, and the things that she
called me, have absolutely prevented her from EVER enjoying the pleasures of heaven, in my humble opinion.
I got little sleep that night, since my good wife felt the need to wake me every ten minutes or so to further discuss the consternation and distress I'd caused her, and to share her emotions and feelings with me. Since Lorena Bobbit had been in the news recently, I had very real additional reasons to remain awake and sober. We were leaving that next morning and there was no time for her to get a wig. We simply went ahead with the trip, with my wife acting (and looking) like a madwoman. Needless to say, the subject of her hair came up frequently. Whenever things would get a little boring on the cruise, I'd tell her, "Vicki, that haircut looks like
hell," and it would start all over again.
I tried to alleviate the tension by confidentially offering more rational explanations to inquiring folks than that she was "having a bad-hair day." I explained to our cabin steward that my wife had been in a fight with a wildcat while knife-hunting in Colorado. I told our waiter that she had
she had almost completely overcome a terribly contageous case of head lice. A waitress in the lounge was told that medication had almost completely curbed my wife's terrible impulses with butcher knives. Generally, I'd just comment to curious folks that, "She's much calmer now
that the medication is taking effect."
A year later, my good wife STILL winces whenever she hears my DC winding up in the shop. The hair has grown back and is as pretty as before my "trim," but the fleeting trust that my wife has for my ability to cut hair is certainly diminished.
-
JFDL!!!
Well... I suppose he could have finished the job and just told everyone she was his slave and was being punished. *G*
-
-jfdlmao- now THAT is classic!
-
Dies laughing here !!!
Ubar that wouldn't have been a bad idea either and she'd probably liked better than with that short hair.
Krul
-
She could have at least just shaved her head, and said she donated her hair to locks of love or something. But I'm sure if Beau ever did that. I'd kill him.
-
*knows how to make a bomb to blow up a shop if that trick should be suggested at home*
LOL
of course, he would have to be about 5 feet away from my head to "trim" the stuff anyway.. *still laughing hard*
-
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida
on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There w as a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e- mail
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the
first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you
then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here.
-
Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second,
"If I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your
wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby,
would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute,
scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking
real hard about the question.
Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even.
-
A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
-
The Prospector and the Gunslinger
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.
I just never wanted to.
"A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."
Don't mess with old farts . . . . .
-
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked"
They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replied.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he said, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again!
-
The Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
-
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates.
Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on her pillow.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day!
Oh, and... woo-woo!!!
-
There are always two ways to look at every thing.
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' sighs the husband, 'She's my ex-girl friend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My Goodness!' says the wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
-
BUBBA GOES SWIMMING
Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.
He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.
'It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool...
They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos-about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man.....you'll have all the babes you want!'
The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'
'Lard-Almighty Bubba!' said Billy-Bob, 'the tater goes in the front!'
-
Just a lil quickie to brighten y'all's day a little..... :
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
but every once in awhile, you get lucky,
and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
(And of all people.... I got this from my Mom......go figure! LOL)
-
BOL, at You, my Master,and the jokes from Mistress. i needed a good laugh
-
TICK WARNING!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... But, this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked !!!
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid...
(FYI, i am not this stupid, it was an e-mail that went around, but funny, i'm sure there are some people who would fall for this one!)
-
JDL
-
Wine or Water
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
::) ;) ;D
-
Word.
-grins-
-
BOL guess that makes Me the Tuchuk health department! :P Good one, Bro!
-
found this on another board and had to share it~lol~
Who is Jack Shit?
(warning: this may get kinda confuseing LOL)
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.....
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parent's objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Against her parent's objections, the other twin, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg
Schitt-Happens, Byrd Schitt-Happens and Horse Schitt-Happens.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
Sincerely
Crock O. Shit...
-
Rules for Life
1. By the butterfly effect, you hold some responsibility for any event that occurs.
2. Spoons and forks are created by man, but sporks are manifestations of pure nature.
3. Assume nothing is mundane; life is automatically more perplexing.
4. No matter how hard you try, you will never see the invisible truck that will run you over in the street.
5. The one thing in life guaranteed to go wrong is Murphy's Law.
6. One person cannot make a difference unless someone else notices that difference.
7. You can fail yourself, but failing another is not permissible.
8. Two years of therapy is equivalent to an hour talk with the right dog.
9. You use your tongue for tasting. Tasting good.
10. Fight not to win the battle but to win the war.
11. If something you desire that others you love have is denied to you, do not hate that which you desire, but instead embrace your friends' having of it. Denying something to all is not the answer.
12. That which you makes you stronger probably should have killed you, but it didn't.
13. Live. Then die. In that order. No exceptions.
14. It's amazing how much you can say without actually saying it.
15. When all is said and done, being alone in life is better than being chased by an axe-wielding maniac.
16. Before telling a joke, check its expiration date.
17. Talking to yourself is okay. Giving yourself the silent treatment because you're mad at yourself is not.
18. When rating how well something went, the fact that nothing spontaneously caught on fire is a good thing.
19. Be like a blob.
20. For good health, be anal about one thing every day.
21. Our imaginations house our future, our potential, and our ruin. Make sure your imaginary friends are not your enemies.
22. You are not your parents.
23. Saving some bread for the future will not work. You can only eat in the present.
24. Everything will be okay in the morning. Just close your eyes.
25. Ask the questions that you have.
26. Every king needs his sword.
27. Happily ever after is not for the real world. The stories of your life don't end when the book does.
28. A good way to feel superior is to ride an elevator where your floor is higher than everyone else's.
29. You are not the hero of some movie, novel, film or story. You're not the villain either. You are not even a supporting character for someone else. You just are.
30. People carrying umbrellas need not walk under awnings.
31. If it has the word 'uber' in it, it must be good.
32. The enemy of 'good' is 'better'
33. Only the present is fixed. Both the future and the past are mutable in how you look at them.
34. You are alive, dangnabbit!
35. If ever in Shangri-La, ask for directions and leave.
36. You must always casually conform... at your earliest convenience.
37. Never question the cream puff.
38. If you can build a frickin' dysonsphere, you better be able to do artificial gravity as well.
39. Just as cars should allow pedestrians to pass, so should the pedestrians occasionally allow cars to pass.
40. If you cut the baby in half, the problem will solve itself.
41. Misunderstood words can still hurt once understanding is achieved.
42. Digesting one's self, while ecologically friendly, is sociologically damaging.
43. If you have a metal fork for a head, stay in bed and indoors on stormy days out of fear of lightning.
44. Time is an illusion invented by the Swiss to sell watches.
45. The general consensus says that overall, life basically sucks, save the one saving grace that if you didn't have life, you'd be dead.
46. If anyone were to rule the world, it should not be a guy with mismatched socks.
47. It can get lonely on a planet with approximately 6,000,000,000 people.
48. For a merdog, the wetness of its nose is no indication of the animal's overall health.
49. Violating an outline will not result in being smited from above, below, or at sea level.
50. Never invade Russia come winter.
51. No toil should be without an effect.
52. BELIEVE IN LOWERCASE.
53. Honesty is the best policy unless you are in a prevarication competition.
54. Fear the past that was not yours to help others who walk the path.
55. In the land of the freaks, a normal person can be viewed at a sideshow for only a nickel.
56. Buying a Brita water filter alone will not save the environment.
57. Never make important life decisions when working in a greenhouse in July in Kentucky.
58. Before you can compromise, you must be selfish.
59. The first step to universal harmony is to kill off the tone-deaf.
60. The answer to 'the Chicken or the Egg?' is turtles all the way down.
61. Picking up a bundle of straw does not unbreak the camel's back.
62. If all it took to fly was a cape, Dracula would not have needed to transform into a bat.
63. One can always consider it progress that nowadays, only 50% of marriages end in death.
64. It is unwise to get wasted in the afternoon just to take a 15-minute nap.
65. All roads lead to Rome, especially those that go out of Rome.
66. According to quantum theory, there is always a universe in which you chose to wear the chicken suit.
67. Every time you commit a misdeed, you bring your evil twin one step closer to the side of good.
68. Life contains a lot of unhappiness; one just needs to make sure it's a bearable unhappiness.
69. When making rennet, you might as well make veal.
70. To make a difference, one must subtract one number from another.
71. If this planet ever becomes a world without borders, geography class will be a snap.
72. The pen is mightier than the sword, except when it comes to cutting paper.
73. When it comes to removing the 'Do not remove tag' on a pillow, do what a Zen master would do.
74. Setting the bar low, when not limbo dancing, is a good thing.
75. Cold is an absence; heat is an existence.
76. Happiness is cool grass on your belly and a yellow dandelion nearby to eat.
77. Sometimes you need a lick on the nose to remind you what's really important in life.
78. All views are important to hear because somewhere in the chorus of opinions is the single melody of truth.
79. Hindsight is 20/50.
80. It is quite hard to spoon a triceratops in a double bed.
81. Never go to Hungary in the middle of learning French.
82. Always assume sarcasm.
83. You can melt in someone's arms, and an ice cube can melt in any oven.
84. Never skip out on a date with a godlike being.
85. Never stab a person in the back. You'll miss the look of shock and terror on their face.
86. Colons are good; everyone should have one.
87. Every gift has the potential of paper-cut-inducing wrapping paper.
88. I promise.
89. In order to make Edward R. Murrow turn over in his grave, one must place his ashes in an hourglass.
90. One may become triumphant upon the acquisition of three elephants.
91. God forbid but lecturing might actually be the answer.
92. Go ahead and move. It will help hasten the inevitable heat death of the universe.
93. Character limits are anti-British.
94. When Thor shows up, it's always deus ex machina.
95. From time to time, walk out in the mystical
moist night air and look up in perfect silence at the stars.
96. The needs of the bladder outweigh the needs of the few.
97. All medication either cures or causes erectile dysfunction. Some do both.
-
LMTAO HAI!!!
-
Bwaaahahaha! OMG, I think I'm going to be stealing some of these for my MSN messenger tag!
-
LOL
Got this from my friend in Alaska
IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU
IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
HELLOOooOOOooOOOOo!!!!!!!!!
YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG FRICKIN' HOUSE, THAT'S WHERE YOU'D BE!!
*howling* no s**t... thanks Gramma Judy~
-
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to
enter a password.
Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**
-
Hee!
-
Must not be a Torvaldchuk...
::)
-
funny thing was, first person I thought of was my husband
ooooops, did I say that out loud??
-
I really needed that today, Sis... and yeah, you did say that out loud, but only those of us who are your family understand and won't say anything... ~winks and huggles~
-
The Story of a Pet Owner.
I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet.
So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Pub with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer. This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
"How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
A little voice came out of the box.......... just a few mumbled words...
I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"
Then he screamed at me.....
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fucking shoes on."
-
Egawds....
*Smacks your right arm again for that one.*
-
since things have been super tense lately, here is a relevant message for all:
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No" .
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
-
omfg... centipedes with shoes and a missing 8 inches! -howls-
-
thank you ari... I passed it on to my wonderful mom and sister... ~walks off still laughing~
-
this is a link to one of my favorite web comics... as a cat lover, it reminds me of me own babies *giggles*
http://www.twolumps.net/d/20070601.html
-
oh lord.... *starts reading at the beginning* oh lord.... *dies laffing*
I officially hate you now lure... I have sat here the entire time kidlet has been napping... thru both naps... and have read EVERY SINGLE CARTOON!!!!! gah!!! *LOL* my brain hurts now...
-
Experiments with spiders:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8550406854693258429
-
~makes a W I D E berth around the video about the spiders while doing the spaz dance and glares at those who laugh at her~
-
oh, it is worth watching, they can;t get You through the screen
-
~chuckles and fights the urge to scream~ I will save it and watch it during a time when I am not already surrounded by spiders... ~shudders and yelps~ ask anyone who was at the gathering last year, how badly I hate spiders... ~huggggggggggggggles you and then goes back to killing more of those damn things in the bathroom as they aren't helping the fly population diminish, proves they are evil~
-
oh gods.... *laffs* I actually REMEMBER watching Hinterland's Who's Who on tv!!! I must have missed that episode tho. *grinz and goes to send the link to my friend in Calgary*
-
Nyungh, sonufa--!!
I tried, I really did, but I couldn't get past thirty seconds. -shudders and slaps down the skin that's trying to crawl up my neck-
-
Saw that one in an email awhile back. I hate spiders, but was laughing so hard that I couldn't be ickyfied by it -lol-
-
I applied for a job at a local video store today, and they sent me home with a few pages of job descriptions. I just had to share this one section:
While performing the duties of this job, the employee is regularly required to stand, walk, use hands to finger, handle, or feel, and reach with hands and arms. ((hmmm, wonder what goes on in the back room))
The employee is occasionally required to climb or balance and stoop, kneel, crouch, or crawl. (sounds like fun)
-
Damn, where do I apply for a job like that?! LOL Sounds like subs-r-us!
-
Is this a job description for a video store employee or a hooker?
:-\
-
got this in an email.......hope no one in camp is a lawyer and doesn't get offended, but if they ask stupid questions like these lawyers.....
Subject: Lawyers
From a book called Disorder in the American Courts, Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know whether your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam???
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium h eight and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m .
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And saving the best for last...
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
-
Men, take note of how to treat your wife as she ages.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...
Ron
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday May 26. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his backside with only 2 inches of grip showing...His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat down on it
-
yes... *nodding*... of course he sat on it....
heh heh heh..
-
-HOWLS over the lawyer ones-
I don't know how you do the voodoo that you do...
Sheesh.
-
There was a survey taken of 100 males of why they liked oral sex from there wives
12% liked the feeling
8% liked the domination
and I save the best for last
80% liked the silence
next
Whats the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirtbag
-
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying _____ YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
*Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
*Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.
-
Thank you sweetest jale~
I am still laughing~~
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
** can't get the picture to print..**..
-
okies...duckie sent me the e-mail of this....so, thought i'd slap up the pic for her :)
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/lure/image001.jpg)
-
thank you sis... thank you... *grins*
-
Yeah ...not that bad ....*laughing like crazy cause someone is going to get a good spanking*
Krul
-
Ah well....shouldn't have girlfriends on the side when you're married. Hell really hath no fury.
-
BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
***********
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!! !.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!! !
***********
March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"
***********
April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... Power went out!!!
***********
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
***********
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn' t find a lake with a slope.
***********
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
***********
August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm... ..car swamped because soft-top was open.
***********
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn' t it???
***********
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
***********
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
***********
December - Couldn't call 911...."duh" ........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
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~just face palms~
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Mouse Balls & Mouse Ball inspector
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
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:o :D
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that was so cute giggles...
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.... I'm speechless.....
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OKay. I couldn't help it. I saw these, and had to post them. Hee hee.
(Damn they didn't post, sorry about that, will get up em when I figure it out :P)
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Yes they did... they were just HUGE!!! *lol*
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When I viewed it this morning -lol- there was just big green smiley faces instead. Will shrink em down and repost em again later -lol-
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Oh! I thought the smiley faces were what I was supposed to look at! *LOL*
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nope -lol-
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SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!)
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School ( California )
staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering
machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen
to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that
it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a
nice day!
If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.
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I love it!...All schools should have a recording like that and maybe...doubtfully...but maybe...some parents would catch a brain and realise that making excuses for their kids does more harm to them than good!
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something that chanz sent me in an e-mail that made me crack up~
please...do NOT try this at home :D
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/lure/cattat.jpg)
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-blinks- Uhmmm. Yeah, that's sorta not the tattoo that I would personally want...but...whatever floats that guys boat.
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This is a heart warmer
The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio
at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind.
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would
never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to f**k off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna
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My Mom sent me this in email... It is nice to know other people have days like mine..
*howling laughter*
Actual Letter from a Kansas farmer:
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them.
I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it... it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand . . . kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head -- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal, like a horse, strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily; the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise, and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
There are several lessons here, but they all can be avoided if you decide to not rope a deer.
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that was good.. laughing my ass off....
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Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
That's my favorite part. -rofl- It gives me the giggles imagining a deer jumping up and down on the back of a full grown man, crying like a girl.
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A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom, replies, 'No, she's in heat.'
When the little girl asked what that meant, her Mom sent her to ask her father. Into the garage the little girl goes, where her dad is working on the car. She asks her Dad, "Dad, may I take the dog out for a walk around the block? Mom says I can't because she's in heat."
Dad waved the little girl and her dog over, soaked a rag in gasoline and rubbed the gas all over the dog's backside. Then he turned to his daughter and told her she could go, but only one time around the block. The little girl smiled happily and took her dog out for a walk.
She came back a few minutes later with no dog. Surprised, her father asked "Where's the dog?"
The little girl smiled up at her Dad and said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
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OMG...this is a riot!!!
let it load....and sit back and just watch....
http://producten.hema.nl/ (http://producten.hema.nl/)
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Tie My Shoes
There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her
six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?"
she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she
recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of
autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you
crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for
the rest of my life."
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Murphy's Laws on Computers
- As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it.
- Installing a new program will always mess up at least one
old one.
- You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all.
- The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct
proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been
backed up.
- There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose
hard disks have crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't
crashed - yet.
- Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you
fiddle with something long enough, you'll break it.
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White Gloves
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist
and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with
petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white
gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my
husband, Sam, finished showering and came into the room wearing a
towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie
and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."
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"Little League Parents
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his
young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What
a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is that we play
together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or
you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the
umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to
your parents."
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"EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE 50 And Over"
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
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interesting things when you have sons, like...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
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Spring is around the corner and with that the natural urge for romance, weddings, etc.. so here are some things to remember ..
Men, pay attention.. LOL
Women, you get it already...
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl .
And her husband is on the back of the milk
carton.
~*~*~*~*~*~
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I notice d a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
~*~*~*~*~*~
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
~*~*~*~*~*~
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of
yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and beside s, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these
kinds of contests.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
LMAO!
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LAFFS....good 'uns sister
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Joe walks into the bar and says, "Harry pour me a double."
Harry says, "What happened Joe, another blowout with the wife?"
Joe says proudly, "Yeah, but this time I finally brought her to her knees!"
Harry says, "So what did she say when she was down there?"
"Get out from under the bed, you coward!!!"
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:D
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New Drugs for Women
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
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just because this made me laugh~
(http://katierush.com/images/sarcasma.jpg)
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What is "Butt Dust?"
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... ...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
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(http://www.silent-mare-designs.com/gallery/albums/userpics/10001/Gas.jpg)
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An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part
died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
She replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pajam as.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that. Please put your P rivate Part back inside your pajamas.
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that
my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of
your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this ....)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
-
Church offering
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
The Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing
$1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected
And saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on
The plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
Curiosity, approached her.
'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in
The collection plate,' he stated.
'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money,
And I give some of it to the church.'
The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you
Sure you can afford this? How much d oes he send you?'
The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'
The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does
He do for a living?'
'He is a veterinarian,' she answered.
'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that
Much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'
The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada . He has two cat houses ,
One in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '
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7 Sex Positions Women Love
By someone named HogWild-
Everyone knows sex is the most important thing that we do as humans. Why else would God make sex feel so good?
Because we're here to populate the planet. If something else was more important God would have made that feel better. For instance, dancing feels good. But people go to dance clubs looking to find a new sex partner. People don't go to whorehouses looking to find a new dance partner.
I've learned some things from porn such as:
* Women love to put a man's disproportionately large sex organ in their mouth immediately after it's been inside other parts of her anatomy
And I've learned things from soap operas such as:
* Women love to seduce a man who just woke up from a coma even though he is still engaged to her sister.
And I've learned things from experience such as:
* Women enjoy compliments like, "Your body is so hot!" better than compliments like, "You're not nearly as fat as I thought you were!"
So today I am here to share with you HogWild's Top 7 Sex Positions Women Love:
1 - Missionary Accomplished
The man is on top of the woman, his weight against her. Women love this position because of the intense eye contact. The man is in great position to thrust his jammy into her hoo-ha but he is ALSO in a great
position to listen to the woman talk about her day.
By the time she's finished talking the guy will be fast asleep. It's just like he had an orgasm -- except less messy. The only fluids ejaculated will be his drool on the pillow.
2 - Spooning
In this intimate position, the man sits opposite the woman and gently spoons ice cream into her mouth. This position is especially exciting for exhibitionists who like to do it in public places like restaurants
or parks.
3 - The "Who Needs a Rubber When You've Got Plastic?" Position
In this position the woman stands behind the man. She slowly slides her hands down his chest, over his abs, and then she slides her right hand into his pants pocket. She coos, "Oh, it's SO big!" He says, "Um, that's my wallet." She replies, "I know." Then she goes down, and with her teeth, removes his credit cards. Then she goes to the mall.
Women love this sexy move!
4 - The Spider
The man leans back, supporting his weight on his outstretched arms behind him. The woman leans back in the same position, situating her lady-hole onto his meat thermometer. She feels ecstasy and throws her head back, looking up at the ceiling. That's when she sees a spider. She demands the man get up and squish it.
Women love this. Women love guys who care for furry animals but mutilate yucky ones.
5 - Reverse Cowgirl
The man lays down on his back. The woman sits on his romance-pole, facing away from him.
PROS: Woman more likely feel it on her G-Spot.
CONS: Man less likely to be able to see the television.
Women love this position because they control the pace, you can slap her booty, and most importantly since she's not facing you, she can be on the phone.
6 - Doggy-style
In this popular position for women, the woman shouts commands and her man obeys. He fetches things, he sits, and he rolls over. This gives the woman extreme satisfaction knowing she has properly trained her man. Now she feels confident that she can walk with him down the street without him pulling away and checking out every bitch he sees.
7 - Sixty-Nine-West
This is sure to please both partners. This is where the man gets a blow-job and the woman gets new shoes!
-
-face palms- Oh Lordy.
-
The relatives gathered in the waiting room,
where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,
' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time
is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure,
very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure,
but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..'
The family members sat silent
as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked,
'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded,
'$5,000 for a male brain,
and $200 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward.
Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women,
but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity,
blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain so much more?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and explained to the entire group,
'It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'
Two Ukrainians walk into a pet shop in Swift Current, Saskatchewan, and head directly to the bird section. Jacob, the Preacher,
says to John, the Farm Boss, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, ve'll take four of dem little budgies
in dat cage up der,' says John.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Jacob
and John pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into the colony van and drive over to the train trellis bridge. >From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 200 -foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob
shakes his head and says: 'Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous fer me.'
BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!
PART TWO:
Moments later Isaac, the Hog Boss, arrives up on the bridge. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the bridge carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hey, Jacob, vatch dis,' Isaac says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself off the bridge. Jacob watches as
halfway down, Isaac takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Isaac continues to plummet until he hits the bottom. Jacob shakes his head and says, 'Ya, und I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either.'
BUT WAIT!!!!.....
PART THREE:
Jacob is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Abe, the Chicken Boss, appears. He's carrying an old potato sack out of which he pulls a chicken -- one of those old layer hens. Abe then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the bridge and disappears down and down until he too hits bottom.
Jacob shakes his head in sadness. 'First der vas John wid his budgie jumping, den Isaac parrotshooting...... und now we've lost Abe hengliding.
-
~cracks up at duckie~
now this one...for some reason, why is it i picture J doing this when he's in kindergarten?
BIG PEOPLE WORDS
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become
accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
Insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was
always Reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it,
Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'
-
I have nooooooooooo idea. Maybe because his Momma is a sarcastic brat? Or because his Daddy has a twisted sense of humor? -snickers-
-
heeheeheee!!! I have hubby dying of laughter over here from reading these to him... btw.. I SOOO need that sarcasm pill!! Lure, you must have a lifetime supply, send me some! *grin*
-
bol...oh no...i rather enjoy my sarcasm~beams and winks~
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................
-
lol...you stole my joke.....I want my rib back..~winks~
-
Some times it's best to think before you speak
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last
one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow j * b?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the
store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said , "I think I like playing
with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked
if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I
checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't
have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his
cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor who,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh, and remember...
we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak.
-
A demonstration is worth a thousand words. Love it.
Lipstick in School (You've got to love this Principal).
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
-
In Louisiana, this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? the lawyer asked.
Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . "
I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and! said , "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at
me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now what da hell would you say?!"
-
LMTAO
-
that was cute.. giggles
-
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
-
-rofl-
-
Hehehe
Raz
-
Thought Id share some of my sarcastic thoughts I sometimes think about in camp.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
For you ladies out there...
Things Not to say (or considering my Sisters; to say) to a Naked guy:
(giggle and point!)
Are you cold?
At least this won't take long.
But it still works, right?
Can I be honest with you?
Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
Do you take steroids?
Does it come with an air pump?
Every heard of clearasil?
Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
I didn't know they came that small.
I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
I never saw one like that before.
If you get me real drunk first.
It looks like a night crawler.
It looks so unused.
What is that?
Where's the rest of it?
Who circumcised you?
Why don't we just cuddle?
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Wow, but your feet are so big.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
-
-whistles oh so innocently at the list of things to say to a naked guy- Ahem. Yeah maybe not so much.
-
~looking over the list of things to say to a naked guy, toes digging into the ground before simply slinking behind my Mistress...and try...really, really hard not to laugh~
-
LMAO~
adds...
Well, my first idea is shot..
LOL
-
chuckles... dang thats cold... wonders if it works on... well never mind.. will just find out lol
-
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.
:-\
-
If couples are petitioning for heterosexual marriage, meaning homosexual is predominant, then why are there abortion clinics available in every high school?
???
Raz
-
Cause by that time, scientists will have figured out how to make Men be pregnant! Or..one could hope.
-
(Proofreading is a dying art, would you say?)
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken'?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half;
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
-
A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop asks for his drivers license and the guy
says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."
The cop asks for his registration and the guy says,
"It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name
because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed
the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the
trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment.
At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands
in sight and he radios for back-up.
When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story
and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor
asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands
it over and it is valid with the guys real name and
information.
The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy
says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor
tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks
around to the passenger side and opens the glove
compartment. There is the registration in the guys
name and everything seems in order.
Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open
the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing
there is a spare tire.
At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the
other cop had told him. The guy says "I'll bet that
lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"
-
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here
to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of
the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude drew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the
watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ...
-
As the mother of a toddler.. I only have one word for that last one... EEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!!!
-
-chuckles- sorry Mistress.... but believe me working with Infants now and having worked with older people in the past... as ewww as it is... younger is better... lol
-
OH I can believe that... *grin* less surface area.
-
Three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
over
lunch and conversation turns to their relationships. The three women
decided that night to surprise their men. All three would wear a black
leather bra and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.
A few days later the three women meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman said, "The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He
saw me
and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made
love
all night long."
The mistress said, "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his
office
and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
wild
sex for hours.
The married woman said, "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house
for
the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra,
black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door,
looked at me and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?"'
lol
-
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for
several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with pic nic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
Skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went to the deep end One of the women shouted to him, 'we're
not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
naked.'Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to
feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
-
I don't know if these are true or not, and I really don't care. They're hilarious.
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with
animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual
relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a
woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking
directly at them during the examination.. He may only see
their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of
the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood
at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is thereany job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill
her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare
hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be
killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but
only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her
husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be
in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have
sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to
pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed
from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic
beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
( Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times
its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
-
more of an...awwwwwwww
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/funny-pictures-cat-wonders-if-he-is-broken.jpg)
-
An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip
computer
companies.
When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants
had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew
six
vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of
the
Irishman.
"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a
canopy
of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back
to
the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree +
Tree
+ Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to
make it 99.
After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the
trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety
nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree
make ninety nine."
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the
Irishman
once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman
and
asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly
grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side
of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!"
"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader
Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a
turd make 100!!!!!"
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etter to God
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00
When the postal authorities
received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to wri te a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington , DC ., and those assholes deducted
$95.00 in taxes .
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301 little known or not often thought of facts
1.Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley’s Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen.
2. US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen.
3. The “57″ on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had.
4. Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world’s garbage annually. On average, that’s 3 pounds a day per person.
5. Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels.
6. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks so that it doesn’t digest itself.
7. 98% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim.
8. A B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945.
9. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
10. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.
11. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
12. Benjamin Franklin was the fifth in a series of the youngest son of the youngest son.
13. Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of Friday the 13th (which occurs one to three times a year). In Italy, 17 is considered an unlucky number. In Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number.
14. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
15. All the chemicals in a human body combined are worth about 6.25 euro (if sold separately).
16. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.
17. The ZIP in “ZIP code” means Zoning Improvement Plan.
18. Coca-Cola contained Coca (whose active ingredient is cocaine) from 1885 to 1903.
19. A “2 by 4″ is really 1 1/2 by 3 1/2.
20. It’s estimated that at any one time around 0.7% of the world’s population is drunk.
21. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = David ; Clubs = Alexander the Great ; Hearts = Charlemagne ; Diamonds = Caesar
22. 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
23. Every person, including identical twins, has a unique eye and tongue print along with their finger print.
24. The “spot” on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.
25. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
26. The “save” icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.
27. Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin both married their first cousins (Elsa Löwenthal and Emma Wedgewood respectively).
28. Camel’s have three eyelids.
29. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day.
30. John Wilkes Booth’s brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln’s son.
31. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.
32. Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system.
33. Daniel Boone hated coonskin caps.
34. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
35. 55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.
36. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
37. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
38. Dr. Seuss pronounced his name “soyce”.
39. Slugs have four noses.
40. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
41. The Three Wise Monkeys have names: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).
42. India has a Bill of Rights for cows.
43. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. (DON’T TRY IT, DUMBASS)
44. During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.
45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by taking out an olive from First Class salads.
46. About 200,000,000 M&Ms are sold each day in the United States.
47. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
48. Over a course of about eleven years, the sun’s magnetic poles switch places. This cycle is called “Solarmax”.
49. There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess.
50. Upper and lower case letters are named “upper” and “lower” because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.
51. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
52. The numbers “172″ can be found on the back of the US 5 dollar bill, in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
53. Coconuts kill about 150 people each year. That’s more than sharks.
54. Half of all bank robberies take place on a Friday.
55. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before it.
56. The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
57. The first bomb the Allies dropped on Berlin in WWII killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
58. The average raindrop falls at 7 miles per hour.
59. It took Leonardo Da Vinci 10 years to paint Mona Lisa. He never signed or dated the painting. Leonardo and Mona had identical bone structures according to the painting. X-ray images have shown that there are 3 other versions under the original.
60. If you put a drop of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
61. Bruce Lee was so fast that they had to slow the film down so you could see his moves.
62. The largest amount of money you can have without having change for a dollar is $1.19 (3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies cannot be divided into a dollar).
63. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”.
64. IBM’s motto is “Think”. Apple later made their motto “Think different”.
65. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original “Halloween” was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white, due to low budget.
66. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
67. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
68. One in fourteen women in America is a natural blonde. Only one in sixteen men is.
69. The Olympic was the sister ship of the Titanic, and she provided twenty-five years of service.
70. When the Titanic sank, 2228 people were on it. Only 706 survived.
71. In America, someone is diagnosed with AIDS every 10 minutes. In South Africa, someone dies due to HIV or AIDS every 10 minutes.
72. Every day, 7% of the US eats at McDonald’s.
73. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, which Motorola got their name from.
74. In the US, about 127 million adults are overweight or obese; worldwide, 750 million are overweight and 300 million more are obese. In the US, 15% of children in elementary school are overweight; 20% are worldwide.
75. In Disney’s Fantasia, the Sorcerer to whom Mickey played an apprentice was named Yensid (Disney spelled backward).
76. During his entire life, Vincent Van Gogh sold exactly one painting, “Red Vineyard at Arles”.
77. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
78. One in ten people live on an island.
79. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
80. 28% of Africa is classified as wilderness. In North America, its 38%.
81. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
82. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
83. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said “Elementary, my dear Watson”, Humphrey Bogart NEVER said “Play it again, Sam” in Casablanca, and they NEVER said “Beam me up, Scotty” on Star Trek.
84. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
85. Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokes model.
86. The sound you here when you put a seashell next to your ear is not the ocean, but blood flowing through your head.
87. More people are afraid of open spaces (kenophobia) than of tight spaces (claustrophobia).
88. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
89. There is a 1 in 4 chance that New York will have a white Christmas.
90. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
91. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
92. Back in the mid to late ’80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn’t considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft’s Flight Simulator.
93. $203,000,000 is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S.
94. Every US president has worn glasses (just not always in public).
95. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
96. Jim Henson first coined the word “Muppet”. It is a combination of “marionette” and “puppet.”
97. The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with (not counting the words “North” and “South).
98. The Michelin man is known as Mr. Bib. His name was Bibendum in the company’s first ads in 1896.
99. About 20% of bird species have become extinct in the past 200 years, almost all of them because of human activity.
100. The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
101. About 14% of injecting drug users are HIV positive.
102. A word or sentence that is the same front and back (racecar, kayak) is called a “palindrome”.
103. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
104. People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide.
105. China has more English speakers than the United States.
106. Finnish folklore says that when Santa comes to Finland to deliver gifts, he leaves his sleigh behind and rides on a goat named Ukko instead. According to French tradition, Santa Claus has a brother named Bells Nichols, who visits homes on New Year’s Eve after everyone is asleep, and if a plate is set out for him, he fills it with cookies and cakes.
107. One in every 9000 people is an albino.
108. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
109. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
110. Everyday, more money is printed for Monopoly sets than for the U.S. Treasury.
111. Every year 4 people in the UK die putting their trousers on.
112. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds; dogs only have about ten.
113. Our eyes are always the same size from birth but our nose and ears never stop growing.
114. In every episode of “Seinfeld” there is a Superman picture or reference somewhere.
115. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human’s neck.
116. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
117. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
118. Each year in America there are about 300,000 deaths that can be attributed to obesity.
119. About 55% of all movies are rated R.
120. About 500 movies are made in the US and 800 in India annually.
121. Arabic numerals are not really Arabic; they were created in India.
122. Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations (implemented on July 16, 1969) makes it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles.
123. The February of 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
124. The Pentagon in Arlington Virginia has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
125. There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat, though it may feel uncomfortable.
126. The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
127. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
128. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
129. There are about 2 chickens for every human in the world.
130. The word “maverick” came into use after Samuel Maverick, a Texan refused to brand his cattle. Eventually any unbranded calf became known as a Maverick.
131. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
132. For every memorial statue with a person on a horse, if the horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died of battle wounds; if all four of the horse’s legs are on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
133. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the American flag is flying over the Parliament Building.
134. An American urologist bought Napoleon’s penis for $40,000.
135. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
136. Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters “MT”.
137. $283,200 is the absolute highest amount of money you can win on Jeopardy.
138. Almonds are members of the peach family.
139. Rats and horses can’t vomit.
140. The penguin is the only bird that can’t fly but can swim.
141. There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.
142. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.
143. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
144. There are only four words in the English language that end in “-dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
145. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
146. Every time you lick a stamp you consume 1/10 of a calorie.
147. “101 Dalmatians” and “Peter Pan” are the only Disney animations in which both of a character’s parents are present and don’t die during the movie.
148. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
149. Hedenophobic means fear of pleasure.
150. Ancient Egyptian priests would pluck every hair from their bodies.
151. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
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152. Half of all crimes are committed by people under the age of 18. 80% of burglaries are committed by people aged 13-21.
153. An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
154. All polar bears are left-handed.
155. The catfish has over 27000 taste buds (more than any other animal)
156. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
157. Butterflies taste with their feet.
158. Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump.
159. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
160. Starfish have no brains.
161. 11% of the world is left-handed.
162. John Hancock and Charles Thomson were the only people to sign the Declaration of independence on July 4th, 1776. The last signature came five years later.
163. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
164. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
165. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.
166. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
167. A healthy (non-colorblind) human eye can distinguish between 500 shades of gray.
168. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
169. Lizards can self-amputate their tails for protection. It grows back after a few months.
170. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”. It can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.
171. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
172. A honeybee can fly at fifteen miles per hour.
173. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
174. A “jiffy” is the scientific name for 1/100th of a second.
175. The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.
176. The youngest pope ever was 11 years old.
177. The first novel ever written on a typewriter is Tom Sawyer.
178. One out of every 43 prisoners escapes from jail. 94% are recaptured.
179. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
180. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs melted into it.
Amazon. com Widgets181. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
182. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
183. Elwood Edwards did the voice for the AOL sound files (i.e. “You’ve got Mail!”). He is heard about 27 million times a day. The recordings were done before Quantum changed its name to AOL and the program was known as “Q-Link.”
184. A polar bears skin is black. Its fur is actually clear, but like snow it appears white.
185. Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis middle name was spelled Aron, in honor of his brother.
186. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
187. Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes.
188. Shakespeare invented the words “assassination” and “bump.”
189. There are a million ants for every person on Earth.
190. If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
191. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
192. The name Jeep comes from “GP”, the army abbreviation for General Purpose.
193. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.
194. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
195. Cats’ urine glows under a black light.
196. A “quidnunc” is a person who is eager to know the latest news and gossip.
197. The first US Patent was for manufacturing potassium carbonate (used in glass and gunpowder). It was issued to Samuel Hopkins on July 31, 1970.
198. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors, the helicopter, and many other present day items.
199. In the last 4000 years no new animals have been domesticated.
200. 25% of a human’s bones are in its feet.
201. David Sarnoff received the Titanic’s distress signal and saved hundreds of passengers. He later became the head of the first radio network, the National Broadcasting Company (NBC).
202. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
203. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than every Nike factory worker in Malaysia combined.
204. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the ’30s lobbied against hemp farmers (they saw it as competition).
205. “Canada” is an Indian word meaning “Big Village”.
206. Only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.
207. If you yelled for 8 years 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
208. Rape is reported every six minutes in the U.S.
209. The human heart creates enough pressure in the bloodstream to squirt blood 30 feet.
210. A jellyfish is 95% water.
211. Truck driving is the most dangerous occupation by accidental deaths (799 in 2001).
212. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
213. Elephants only sleep for two hours each day.
214. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
215. The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. (the heart is not a muscle)
216. In golf, a ‘Bo Derek’ is a score of 10.
217. In the U.S, Frisbees outsell footballs, baseballs and basketballs combined.
218. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
219. If you plant an apple seed, it is almost guaranteed to grow a tree of a different type of apple.
220. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
221. The only real person to be a PEZ head was Betsy Ross.
222. There are about 450 types of cheese in the world. 240 come from France.
223. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers plays football at home the stadium becomes Nebraska’s third largest city.
224. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life”.
Find more cheap flights from the best travel site out there.
225. A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
226. In Iceland, a Big Mac costs $5.50.
227. Broccoli and cauliflower are the only vegetables that are flowers.
228. Newborn babies have about 350 bones. They gradually merge and disappear until there are about 206 by age 5.
229. There is no solid proof of who built the Taj Mahal.
230. In a survey of 200000 ostriches over 80 years, not one tried to bury its head in the sand.
231. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A quarter has 119.
232. On an American one-dollar bill there is a tiny owl in the upper-left-hand corner of the upper-right-hand “1″ and a spider hidden in the front upper-right-hand corner.
233. Judy Scheindlin (”Judge Judy”) has a $25,000,000 salary, while Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has a $190,100 salary.
234. The name for Oz in the Wizard of Oz was thought up when the creator Frank Baum looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z.
235. Andorra, a tiny country on the border between France and Spain, has the longest average lifespan: 83.49 years.
236. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
237. Mr. Rogers was an ordained Presbyterian minister.
238. In America you will see an average of 500 advertisements a day.
239. John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
240. You can lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
241. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
242. “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English.
243. There are 336 dimples on a regulation US golf ball. In the UK its 330.
244. The Toltecs (a 7th century tribe) used wooden swords so they wouldn’t kill their enemies.
245. “Duff” is the decaying organic matter found on a forest floor.
246. The US has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined.
247. There have been over 600 lawsuits against Alexander Grahm Bell over rights to the patent of the telephone, the most valuable patent in U.S. history.
248. Kuwait is about 60% male (highest in the world). Latvia is about 54% female (highest in the world).
249. The Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters.
250. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world’s nuclear weapons combined.
251. At the height of its power in 400 BC, the Greek city of Sparta had 25,000 citizens and 500,000 slaves.
252. Julius Caesar’s autograph is worth about $2,000,000.
253. The tool doctors wrap around a patient’s arm to measure blood pressure is called a sphygmomanometer.
254. People say “bless you” when you sneeze because your heart stops for a millisecond.
255. US gold coins used to say “In Gold We Trust”.
256. In “Silence of the Lambs”, Hannibal Lector (Anthony Hopkins) never blinks.
257. A shrimp’s heart is in its head.
258. In the 17th century, the value of pi was known to 35 decimal places. Today, to 1.2411 trillion.
259. The bestselling books of all time are The Bible (6billion+), Quotations from the Works of Mao Tse-tung (900million+), and The Lord of the Rings (100million+)
260. Pearls melt in vinegar.
261. “Lassie” was played by a group of male dogs; the main one was named Pal.
262. In 1863, Paul Hubert of Bordeaux, France, was sentenced to life in jail for murder. After 21 years, it was discovered that he was convicted of murdering himself.
263. Nepal is the only country that doesn’t have a rectangular flag. Switzerland is the only country with a square flag.
264. Gabriel, Michael, and Lucifer are the only angels named in the Bible.
265. Tiger Woods’ real first name is Eldrick. His father gave him the nickname “Tiger” in honor of a South Vietnamese soldier his father had fought alongside with during the Vietnam War.
266. Johnny Appleseed planted apples so that people could use apple cider to make alcohol.
267. Abraham Lincoln’s ghost is said to haunt the White House.
268. God is not mentioned once in the book of Esther.
269. The odds of being born male are about 51.2%, according to census.
270. Scotland has more redheads than any other part of the world.
271. There is an average of 61,000 people airborne over the US at any given moment.
272. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane in case there is a crash.
273. The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad. The most common name (of any type) in the world is Mohammed.
274. The surface of the Earth is about 60% water and 10% ice.
275. For every 230 cars that are made, 1 will be stolen.
276. Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. President to be born in a hospital.
277. Lightning strikes the earth about 8 million times a day.
278. Around 2,000 left-handed people die annually due to improper use of equipment designed only for right handed people.
279. The “if” and “then” parts of conditional (”if P then Q”) statement are called the protasis (P) and apodosis (Q).
280. Humans use a total of 72 different muscles in speech.
281. If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.
282. Only female mosquitoes bite.
283. The U.S. Post Office handles 43 percent of the world’s mail.
284. Most household dust is made of dead skin cells.
285. One in about eight million people has progeria, a disease that causes people to grow faster than they age.
286. The male seahorse carries the eggs until they hatch instead of the female.
287. The “countdown” (counting down from 10 for an event such as New-Years Day) was first used in a 1929 German silent film called “Die Frau Im Monde” (The Girl in the Moon).
288. Negative emotions such as anxiety and depression can weaken your immune system.
289. There are seven suicides in the Bible: Abimelech. Samson, Saul, Saul’s armor-bearer, Ahithophel, Zimri, Judas.
290. A mongoose is not a goose but more like a meercat, which is not a cat but more like a prairie dog, which is not a dog but more like a ground squirrel.
291. Stephen Hawking was born exactly 300 years after Galileo died.
292. Mercury is the only planet whose orbit is coplanar with its equator. Venus and Uranus are the only planets that rotate opposite to the direction of their orbit.
293. John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and James Monroe died on July 4th. Adams and Jefferson died in the same year. Supposedly, Adams last words were “Thomas Jefferson survives.”
294. The Baby Ruth candy bar was named after Grover Cleveland’s baby daughter, Ruth, not Babe Ruth the baseball player.
295. Dolphins can look in different directions with each eye. They can sleep with one eye open.
296. The Falkland Isles (pop. about 2000) has over 700000 sheep (350 per person).
297. There are 41,806 different spoken languages in the world today.
298. While many treaties have been signed at or near Paris, France (including many after WWI and WWII), nine are actually known as the “Treaty of Paris”: Seven Years’ War (1763), American Revolutionary War (1783), French-Swede War (1810), France vs Sixth Coalition (1814), Battle of Waterloo (1815), Crimean War (1856), Spanish-American War (1898), union of Bessarabia and Romania (1920), establishment of European Coal and Steel Community (1951).
299. Robert Todd Lincoln (Abraham Lincoln’s oldest son) was in Washington DC during his father’s assassination as well as during President Garfield’s assassination, and he was in Buffalo NY when President McKinley was assassinated.
300. The city of Venice stands on about 120 small islands.
301. The past-tense of the English word “dare” is “durst”.
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A WOMAN'S POEM
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
hehehe
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1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX ?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't > stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their manhood falls over their butt-hole and they
vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at
your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and
laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One for the ladies:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied.. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you....'
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably
that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to
forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I
pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-
A must read for Grandparents. Those who aren't will love it, too.
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'
The little boy nodded yes.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?'
The little boy nodded again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?'
Again, the little boy nodded.
'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.
-
The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?
Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet, Bisquit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout
line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's behind and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of crazy things to say.
-
Damned right!!!
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.
A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented, that "while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama!!!!
-
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of
the car...and you know how you just-get-sooo- stressed and life-stuff
seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'
. . . and that's how the fight started . . .
-
words of wisdom, ponderings and various thoughts from the twisted mind of George Carlin~
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
-
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."
The rest is history.
-
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their
best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone
who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a
trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
who responded:
Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. That is a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber
River called Teste.
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its
gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the
worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and
they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the
Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million
other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hair-do. The
hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on
time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and
they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They,
too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite
at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good,
but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the
Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the
Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the
door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
"Where'd you get the shitty hair-do?"
-
Southwest Airlines!
A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines
from Denver to Dallas.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her
son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy walks to the galley and asks the flight
attendant, "If big dogs
have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell
you to ask me"
The boy said, "Yes, she did...." "Well, then, please
tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."...
-
THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A HOCKEY GAME.
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM.
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE
NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA. IN A VERY
LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH . THERE ARE
ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND
SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA . THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO . THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS
LIVING THERE." ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY
SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL. THERE AREN'T
ANY NUNS THERE."
-
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his
chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No
thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?' McCain
replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like.'
Now that is Character
***coughhehecoughhehecough***
-
LMAO~
hell yeah!
-
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having
all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, ' I do not have a headache ' ' I do not have a headache ' ' I do not have a headache '
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
-
The Guys' Rules...
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work ! Strong hints do not work ! Obvious hints do not work ! Just say it !
1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after a week.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only sixteen colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hockey, the shotgun formation, or engine mechanics.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape !
-
chuckles
-
Maxine's slide down the Banister of Life
(http://webmail.att.net/wmc/en-US/v/wm/48D069C6000001F1000034E922243429029B0A02D2089B9A019C04040A0DBFC0CC04970C0E9D9B/Unknown%20Name?cmd=GetImg&no=6&uid=382324&sid=c0&name=FF996DEBC4E4487E89B78C83BAF72904@UserPC)
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, remember...
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
an impressive new book. It's called...
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink,
and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and
your boss: the Pope only expects you
to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant
flash and it's gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to
your door is when you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled, and
that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes
were inevitable. Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen. Just
vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.'
11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for... enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
the splinters never point the wrong way.
-
WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?
(http://webmail.att.net/wmc/en-US/v/wm/48D06AE30008118500006B4D22243429029B0A02D2089B9A019C04040A0DBFC0CC04970C0E9D9B/Unknown%20Name?cmd=GetImg&no=5&uid=382323&sid=c0&name=image001.jpg@01C91649.3AA95790)
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. ?
She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said.
'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this.
How often do you have sex? ' &am p;nb sp;
The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.'
(http://webmail.att.net/wmc/en-US/v/wm/48D06AE30008118500006B4D22243429029B0A02D2089B9A019C04040A0DBFC0CC04970C0E9D9B/Unknown%20Name?cmd=GetImg&no=5&uid=382323&sid=c0&name=image002.gif@01C91649.3AA95790)
-
*snickers*
-
frowns don't know why my pics won't work
-
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she
volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before
we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And, before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler
ate him!'
The teacher wet her pants laughing.
-
ROTFLMTAO
*wiping laughter tears away!!!*
-
Do you have a vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
and
he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina?.'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home
she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I
am taking tomorrow off to be home just incase this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the?
door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going
to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you
to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going
with? it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same
question.
Do you have vagina'.......'Yes' she says......
The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to
leave my wife's alone and start using yours'
-
:o :o :o :o :o :o
:D ::) :D
-
Lawl !
-
CURRENT MEDICAL ADVICE!!
Q.I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
-
(http://frostfirezoo.com/files/u1/worksign_1.jpg)
-
Menopause Jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood
swings,bought me a mood ring the other day so he would
be able to monitor my moods.We've discovered that when
I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad
mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe
next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb &#$#@.
-
Blonde Wins One
Remember the day!!
Date: Saturday, September 20, 2008, 12:01 PM
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights
and a pair of running boards.'
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear
stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This
guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of
headlights and a pair of running Boards.What does he think
this place is, an auto parts store?'
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean
three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny
side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
'Oh, OK!' said the blonde.
She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a
bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'
I LOVE THIS ONE..........
'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for
the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as
well gas up!
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!
-
http://objflicks.com/thoseoldwesterns.htm (http://objflicks.com/thoseoldwesterns.htm)
for any of ya'll older like myself.. who can remember the days.... enjoy... this was very well done put on your ears.. sit back and remember
-
Ole and Lena
Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I t'ink
its time!' So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the
hospital to have their first baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole
and said, 'Hey, Ole! You yust had a son! Ain't dat
great! ' Vell, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor
spoke up and he said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'
The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, 'Hey,
Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting,
too....' Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said,
'Holey Moley, Ole, we still ain't done yet!'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Ole, you yust had youself
another boy!' Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and the their
t'ree children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real
serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got t'ree on the
first try?'Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of K-Vy
Yelly and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1
Oil?' Ole said, 'Yeah, I do. Uffda!, it's a dam good
t'ing I didn't get the WD-40!'
-
The Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she
charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two
nights in a row as she was too expensive.But there were no
discounts.The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie,
and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone
was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but
he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one
has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The man replied, ' Ontario '
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and
I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are
certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
-
*face palms*
-
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they
won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can g et the milk for free? here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
-
LOL
-
10 Rules for Dating my Daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
-
Uhm. No comment -smiles sweetly-
-
ROTFLMTAO!!!
-
and Salem gets his second "HELL YEAH" from me for the night.. LOL..
I am emailing these to my daughter because we just had this sort of conversation last night.. and I explained to her that any man that wanted to be involved with her had BETTER treat her like the wonderful woman that she is or I will kill him plain and simple. I know how and can hide the body... LOL
-
Coolest. Webcomic. Ever.
http://www.lfgcomic.com/ (http://www.lfgcomic.com/)
-
I hate you now... *adds this to my growing list of webcomics that I read* Let's see... For Better or For Worse, Devil's Panties, Two Lumps, Girls with Slingshots, Questionable Content, Candi, and now Looking for Group. *sighs* Can we say webcomic addict? Oh yeah.. forgot about The Order of the Stick! yeesh... *lol*
-
Webcomic junky here. Read Dominic Deegan, Order of the Stick, Something Positive and Girl Genius. My friend Donnie, yeah, got me hooked.. ahole.
-
Order of the Stick, Dork Tower, Knights of the Dinner Table, Looking for Group...plus many other lower-end comics...but most revolve around Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft, or the gaming genre in general. Not only am I an ahole, I am a geek too.
-
I wasn't calling YOU an ahole! I was calling HIM an ahole. Sorry for the confusion ;D
-
Order of the Stick, Dork Tower, Knights of the Dinner Table, Looking for Group...plus many other lower-end comics...but most revolve around Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft, or the gaming genre in general. Not only am I an ahole, I am a geek too.
Kinights is one of my all time favorites
-
Believe it or not, my old high school Dungeons and Dragons group were essentially the KotD. Jesse, Nigel, Bryan, Dave, Sarah, Mike, and Bob (Rob aka me).
-
This really made my morning, since I'm not really having a good one...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaGFPdP0-ug (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaGFPdP0-ug)
-
When Tuchuk Pumpkins drink... LOL
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/prism/tuchukpumpkins.jpg)
-
LOL Awesome !!!
-
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
-
This is really bad lol
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
24. Visualize whirled peas ..
-
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When
They were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school
Every morning
... Uphill... Barefoot.
BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay
A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of
Today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you
Don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we
Wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
Somebody a letter, with a pen!
...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put
It in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and
Shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and
The DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy
Signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be
Your school,
Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a
Collections agent, you
Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your
Chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!
With games
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little
Square! You
Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no
Multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen
Forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting
Harder and harder and
Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what
Was
On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had
To get off
Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and
There was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to
Wait ALL WEEK
For cartoons, you spoiled
Little bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!
-
*cracks up* Those were great!! And sooo true for the last one! it hits home every now and again how far technology has come when kidlet watches her Backyardigans and EVERY time era they're in has cell phones, because to a child, cell phones have always been around.
-
those were good.. and yes they would not have made it back in the time when we all grow up.. we did things the hard way.. giggles... leaves hugs and kisses..
da flame
-
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and Shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and The DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
oh my gawd i remember those days. especially not wanting to go to church on sunday because Casey Kasem's countdown was on and all the good songs would be on during the ride home, and the casette player was not a portable one! ;D ;D ;D
-
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind
of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to gather the building materials for his
home.
She read 'and so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir,
but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
'The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do
you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very
matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said -
'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
-
this was so funny...
;D
"UPS Airlines -- Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review th e gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level .
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P : IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last .....
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
-
LMTAO
-
Mouse in cockpit and cat installed? LMTAO...oh that hurts!
Raz
-
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little
Square! You
Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no
Multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen
Forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting
Harder and harder and
Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
Actually, I played it till I reset the score, several times. That's how bored I was.
Raz
-
A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope….along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
;D
-
that was a good one.. lmao... thanks i needed t hat
da flame
-
*howling*
You go Ricky!!!
LOL
-
I'll have to remember that when I go overseas. lol
-
I found this on a proflie on collarme.. and thought it was cute.
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in my living room. I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch...
-
LOL!
-
LMAO Classic !
-
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND
DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE
George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi , was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the
light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but
saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your
house?'
He said 'No.'
Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is
available.'
George said, 'Okay.'
He hung up the phone and counted to 60. Then he phoned the
police again. 'Hello, I just called you about a
minute ago because there were people stealing things from
my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I just shot them.' ... and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a
Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance
showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the
burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you
said that you'd shot them!'
George said,... 'I thought you said there was nobody
available!'
(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people
-
As usual, we are constantly learning from the wisdom of our elders.
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiqkDm9UoKo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiqkDm9UoKo)
-
ok i have to ask... who is chris crocker.. and why do people cry for him?
-
Chris Crocker is the kid who did the infamous "Leave Britney Alone" video.
-
this is the real vid that seth green is mocking....
Chris crocker is weird... but has some pretty awesome views.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc
-
I'm one of the last posters on that vid. My sides STILL hurt. "Watch Robot Chicken Sunday nights at 11:30 on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, season 2 dvd is available right now...so BUY IT !!!"
-
Something else I found. If you're deeply religious and easily offended, don't click on this. =P
http://www.236.com/images/photo2/1606/original/original.jpg (http://www.236.com/images/photo2/1606/original/original.jpg)
-
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People .
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds h is mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
-
come back from watching his video with wide eyes.. damn he is like a hamster on Meth...shakes my head and moves along....good grief
-
Who, Seth ? Or Chris Crocker ?
-
well... both actually.. but i watched chris in another video...i was like... ewwww..lol...
-
From now on, only four words matter. "I spit hot fire."
http://www.lmmfao.com/videos.php?id=1106
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzITanQIPUw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzITanQIPUw)
-
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair
in
Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment,and I
happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true
taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy,and besides, they told me I could have FREE beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event."
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy
on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*******************************************
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork.
Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they
saw the look on my face.
*********************************************
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me
on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I feel gas pockets shooting between my pelvic sockets. I'm getting
shit-faced.
*********************************************
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, it feels good on my chin. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like
this nuclear-waste I'm eating. My nose is running profusely, I am fairly
sure it is not blood, eyesight getting blurry...
*********************************************
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.
Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended
when
I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
*********************************************
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold
vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that mutt Sally. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! The sun is spinning and colored disks
are flying out of it---I think I'm having a religious experience. I'm
pretty
sure I just wet my shorts.
*********************************************
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili
with
too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably and clutching his crotch.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing,it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air,I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch
hole in my stomach.
*********************************************
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is
a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare
its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
-
OMG!!! *HOWLING!!!*
I had to pause and catch my breath!!!
That one has to be in the top five jokes I have read or heard this year!!!
I think I'm gonna die!!!
-
-grins- I've had that for several years.. I love it..
-
ok.. i dont know why but this just seems to crack me up when I see it.. actually all the stuff by Oxhorn does.. but this especially.. I dont even know what all the abrev means.. but it done matter.. yea I know.. simple minds..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEWgs6YQR9A (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEWgs6YQR9A)
-
I like the Tauren kilt song.
Raz
-
Horde smell.
-
respect your elders!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZCoIege8oM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZCoIege8oM)
-
Haha ! That jerk totally had that coming.
-
-lol-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsxV49pmnL8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsxV49pmnL8)
-
OMG!!
That is freakin' hilarious!!
-
oh boy.. that is quite comical
-
LMTAO
-
Believe it or not, there are places in the States thet get more snow than where I live in Canada. =P
-
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so, I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in' New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me one last time.' The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.
Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?'
'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.
'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11!
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'
'What!?!' replied the Marine, 'and have you three ass holes report that I was the aggressor....?
SEMPER FI
-
LMFAO. Do or die ! Gung ho ! Gung ho ! Gung ho !
-
My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Amber
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Ambizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Purple Tiger
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Marie Union
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Molam
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Emerald Coke
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Mlmcads
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names):Abby Alicen
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Aeon
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Ambiqua
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My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Tammy
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Tamizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Jade Jaguar
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Lynn Robie
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Talew
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Gold Pepsi Max
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Awlhngy
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names):Lorienna Doyle
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Lilly
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Tamiqua
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTasT5h0LEg
nothing like a stupid cat to make your morning better
-
My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Alex
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Aleizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Silver Monkey
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Martin Atwater
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): BoeAl
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Blue Vault
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Lebhlcn
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names):Roy Ann
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Damien
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Aleiqa
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqyCyl9qL_I
-
Scratch my nuts! -rofl- Such a wonderful interpretation of the pee pee dance.. It's the nut scratch dance!
-
My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Robert
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Robizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Blue Shark
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Charles Eiderwood
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Mitro
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Green Beer
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Otmebci
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): Dale Lynn
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Stevie
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Robiqua
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http://www.maniacworld.com/dog-having-a-blast-in-the-snow.html (http://www.maniacworld.com/dog-having-a-blast-in-the-snow.html)
-
ok... Im game..
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Angie
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Angizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Black Horse (bleh)
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Marie Hilltop
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Diekan
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Purple Dew
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Aedelr
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): ??? dad doesnt have a middle name
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black River
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Angiqua
-
that was good...and cute as well.....
-
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Richard
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Ricizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Black Dog
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Scott Maple
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Earri
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Red Dew
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Ireoctn
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): Glen Louis
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Duffy
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Riciqa
-
The classic skit, World of Warcraft style.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ekLO8BwxwE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ekLO8BwxwE)
-
This is why parents drink:
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very, happy. She owns a t railer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Paul
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
If this letter were signed Julian... I would never call him, it would never be safe to come home. That is, after I somehow got my heart restarted after the heart and panic attacks he just gave me.
-
ROTFLMTAO!!!
Gramps will teach him many, many things much worse than this Babygirl!!!
And then its woobie's turn. Heh heh heh....
::) ;D :-* :-* :-*
-
ROFL lol that is great.....
-
Financial terms have new meaning in the wake of financial crisis.
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo
@ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
-
this link was sent to me in my email from an old friend.. I laughed so hard... enjoy
this is from a man who witnessed an auto accident while he was talking to someone on his cell
http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/FunFiles/FunFilesDetails.asp?ArticleID=72
-
I laughted so hard I started coughing.... couldn't breathe.... OMG!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
-
Uhh the link works fine for me, but the little player doesn't have any sound to it for some reason. Checked all of my volumes, and still nothing. Hrm.
(Modified, because I'm a retard, my speakers weren't hooked up right after moving my desk to make room for the tree)
-
it works fine for me... now to explain to the kids why Auntie Di is turning blue and can't breathe, all the while telling them no they can't listen to it... ~crawls off still silently laughing and trying to learn to breathe again~ OMFG that was good... ~plans on having my brother and his family hear it~
-
that was a good one ,....i am still laughing....
da flame
-
Learn Chinese in Five Minutes.
He's cleaning his automobile.
Wa Shing Ka.
This is a tow away zone.
No Pah King.
Is there a fugitive here?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni.
Your price is too high!!!
No Bai Nut Ding!!!!
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table.
Ai Bang Mai Ni.
It's very dark in here.
Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?
I thought you were on a diet.
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
They have arrived.
Hia Dei Kum.
Your body odor is offensive.
Yu Stin Ki Pu.
I got this for free.
Ai No Pei.
You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
Stay out of sight.
Lei Lo.
Phew! Does this bathroom stink!
Hu Flung Dung?
-
LMTAO
-
The Darwin Awards (New list, folks) Â
It's that time again folks ... The Darwin Awards are finally out.  The annual honour given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.
This year's winner was a real rocket scientist ... HONEST!
Read on and remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.
And the nominees were:
Semi-finalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
Semi-finalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
Semi-finalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said.  Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'
Semi-finalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
Semi-finalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Â Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.
Now, the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, post humously):
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields.  He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.
The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.
However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?
-
JDL!!!
-
I just saw on the news that some Cairo journalist threw his shoes at President Bush. The funniest story I've seen since someone threw a pie in Jean Chretien's face. lol
-
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Angelina
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Angizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Pink Tiger
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Jean lakegrove
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Jeaan
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Purple Pepper
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Nnzicla
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): Jean Allan
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black babygirl
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Angiqua
-
true story that happened last saturday
a littel back ground, my dad is 67 years old and loves a thing we call tractor pulling( im a redneck i embrace it) so hes at the end of the year banquet for all of the awards and has his room at the crown plaza... and apparently he had been drinking since 11:30
so to set the scene 67 year old redneck in his bib overalls button up shirt and his favorite Tony Stewart hat.... drunk out of his mind.....
so here we go
I get a call about 6:00 pm its my co-worker Dave.... well dave was also at the crown plaza and he asked me... "Alex, is your dad here at the Crown Plaza? ...." I replied... " hell if i know whats the guy wearing?" " hes wearing bibs a nice shirt and a Tony Stewart hat.. and if i might add hes here at the bar with a beer in hand and one hell of a beer belly" .... " yep thats him... hes at his redneck meeting.... "
So a littel chit chat with Dave and i tell him well give me a minute ill call dad and ill have him meet up with you, Both dave and my dad like there beer so its a perfect fit....
now enter the drunkness.....
I call my dad and tell him that my co woker Dave is there at the crown plaza at the bar, you should have a beer with him... well after explaining who dave was and what he looked like my inbriated father could not find him so here we go..... he asks me......." what is name... ? " I told him " well its Dace Cox"
So in my father great wisdom he stands while im on the phone with him and he stands up in the middle of the bar apparently and starts to shout
" is the a Cox here... any cox here"
I lost it... i was on the floor laughing hysterically... and thankful enough Dave finally answered...
I can only imagin the looks he must have been getting...
-
-bites my lip, just shaking-
-
*face palms*
your dad is gonna choke you when he remembers this... LOL
-
*face palms*
your dad is gonna choke you when he remembers this... LOL
i remember it.. and ill conviently keep this story to myself(other than here) until the most oppertune time...
-
LMAO
-
You are so totally mean to your dad. -shakes head- And woobie is right.. if he ever remembers what you did.. or realizes it.. we'll be picking up Alex chunks off of the ground.
-
*snickers*
you could tell his Dad, Amber.. *whistling*
-
ROTFLMTAO!!!
-
how to lift plywood
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwC7zJrzSw8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwC7zJrzSw8)
-
Egawds....
-
And that is why.. Men don't wear daisy dukes. -snicker snorts-
-
lol ... thats funny.. just imagin terran and salem as the two dudes and salems the one that gets the girly clothes..lol
-
lol ... thats funny.. just imagin terran and salem as the two dudes and salems the one that gets the girly clothes..lol
LOL!! I had to go back and watch it again!!
-
Christmas Ornaments
Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop "Give me four of
those elves, two of the big reindeer, two of the small reindeer,
and one of those bent-over, fat Mrs. Santas with the ridiculous
bloomers."
The shop owner "That'll be eighty dollars for the elves, fifty
dollars for the big reindeer, twenty dollars for the small
reindeer, and a big apology for my wife!"
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LOL
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My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Diane
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Diaizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Purple Dolphin
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Marie Bay
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Mccdi
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Black Dew
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Icmalky
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): Preston Ann
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Pumpkin
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Diaiqa
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My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Barbara
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): barizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Blue cat
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): lee quailhollow
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): benba
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): red dietcoke
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): banbhlmy
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): Neil valdon
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black babygirl
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): bariqua
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My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Benjamin
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Benizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Red Cat
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): La'Roy Woodpecker
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Nasbe
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Black Margarita
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Esnilby
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): Ray Lyn
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Salem
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Beniqua
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The Three Stages of Man :
1. He believes in Santa.
2. He does not believe in Santa.
3. He becomes Santa.
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Christmas Penis song...
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=etDhW2GZzqw&feature=related
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this one goes out to all my Tuchuk Fam.... enjoy
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/wapike/hehehhee.bmp)
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LMTAO
*Goes through Santa's pockets and sack for goodies..... checks teeth for gold fillings.... hops the sleigh and flies off to find the North Pole chop shop and cashes in. Slaughters the reindeer and loads up on meat, hides, antlers.... except for Rudolph. Hangs onto him for an energy source and nightlight.*
*Sings "It's a Tuchuk Christmas"*
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Get in the mood for Christmas.
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.
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it's xmas... doggie style
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUtPKbMwnRo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUtPKbMwnRo)
Happy Holidays everyone.
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LOL That was awesome!!
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to ring in the end of 2008, the list of the funniest commercials of 2008 have been done... Though I don't think this was rated, I could be wrong... Here it is, from Israel...
http://www.veryfunnyads.com/ads/26111.html
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LOL Awwwww...
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http://www.noob.us/entertainment/mac-vs-pc-transformers-style/ (http://www.noob.us/entertainment/mac-vs-pc-transformers-style/)
-
Hrm. I only get like a minute into that video before it stops and it says to start over -raises a brow- very weird.
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Ninja tips for healthy living.
1. Exercise is important but jogging is for wimps. Plenty of exercise can be had leaping from bushes and kicking joggers in the head.
2. Laughter is medicine. Ninjas practice the art of inppropriate laughter. Laughing when hearing about cancer also shows the ninjas strength.
3. Ninjas, occasionally, without warning, stab friends with throwing stars. Life is random. Ninjas embrace this fact of life.
4. Killing the wrong person happens. Ninjas know this. It's useless to live in the past.
5. Fiber in your diet is important. Ninjas eat the shirt off a complete stranger's back at least once a week.
6. Sex is extremely important to one's physical and mental health. Ninjas therefore fantasize about sex two, three, maybe even seven times a day.
7. Everyone knows yoga classes are filled with women. Ninjas prove their strenfth and impress the ladies by killing the yoga instructor.
8. Samurais are the source of much stress for ninjas. They think they're soooooo cool with their armor and swords and those awesome helmets. It's in a ninjas best interest not to think about such things.
9. A strong handshake is a sign of good health and vigorous character. Ninjas therefore squeeze as tightly as possible and do not let go when shaking hands. Strong eye contact is also recommended.
10. When eating the still beating heart of an enemy, ninjas eat it all. There are starving ninjas in Africa who don't have any hearts to eat.
11. Cleanliness is next to godliness. If ninjas get ketchup stains on their outfits whilst eating out, they throw smoke pellets and disappear. Later, outside their den, they burn their outfits while screaming uncontrollably at the top of their lungs.
12. Mind control is one of a ninjas most powerful skills. Making small children give you money is not only hilarious, but quite lucrative, and therefore, healthy.
13. It's good for ninjas to treat themselves to Western pleasures occasionally. That's why there's nothing wrong with putting on a comfortable ninja outfit, lighting some candles, and watching "Ninja Vixens: Virgin nightmares."
14. It is important for ninjas not to be their own worst enemy. Therefore, ninjas should practice proper dental care before wearing a mask.
15. Secrecy is of upmost importance to the ninja's peace of mind. Not even the ninja's parents can know their identities. Not even if a ninja still lives in the basement of his parents' house.
16. Ninjas always ride shotgun. It's good for their sense of self worth. If ninjas are forced to sit in the back seat, remember they always carry garrotes.
If you laughed at any of these, and nodded your head solemnly at the same time, you're probably a ninja.
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Ninjas versus Pirates is a long-standing tradition. As a Ninja, or Shinobi-no-mono as is politically correct to refer to us as, that last post made my freaking day.
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Pffft... I been a ninja way longer.... but since pirates are way more socially acceptable... I pirate for my day job... and pull some ninja side jobs when I can...
Srrsly... look up "ask a ninja" frigging hilarious...
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You haven't, because I've already seen every single askaninja vid. =P
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I took the Christmas tree down today..
LOL..
while that might not seem funny to most, those that know it is general tradition around here for me to procrastinate til April Fool's Day .. well... will get a laugh, besides being dutifully impressed..
LOL
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Beau and my first Christmas out on our own.. we had a tree up, decorated all pretty. It wasn't taken down until after the fourth... of July. Talk about procrastination.
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at work the tree and the ornaments do not get taken down.. they get placed into the back and dusted off every late november... as for me.. the christams tree still lays in the back of my truck...i didnt even bother
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I had a real tree this year.. and me and AJ took it down on the first... not because I felt like it.. but cause we needed the space for AJ to put his crap when he moves in... -shrugs- last year I left my tree up untill the day before my b-day...
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Best Known Man In the World
Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!
Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton...hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!
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-rofl- Niiiiiice.
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I love this!!
thank you my sweetest jale {Lil} for sending it to me..
The Aisle Seat...
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes, and was settling20in when the Arab in the window said, “I need to get up and get a Coke.” “Don’t get up,” said the Marine, “I’m in the aisle seat. I’ll get it for you.”
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked-up the Marines shoe and spat in it. ; When the Marine returned with eh Coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I’d really like one, too.” Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked-up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, “Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?”
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST! HoooRaaaahhh!
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that was good... smiles thank you for sharing it
da flame
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Letter from Wal-Mart
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her weekly trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get right in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Chapman:
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Chapman are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras ~
1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor, leading to the Women's Restroom.
4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding
Department.
8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
While handling guns in the Sporting Goods Department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11.October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12.October 6:
In the Auto Department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13.October 9:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14.October 14:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least ...
15. October 16:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
-
JDL
-
LMFAO
-
Those all sound like things B would do in Walmart.....
-
*looks at Amber and snickers*
like Father, like Son... (guess why I don't take Ubar to Walmart anymore.. )
-
I have 50 dollars in Walmart gift cards. Now I have an axcuse to go and be bad. Can't throw out a paying customer !
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I can just imagine, woobie.....
-
The Hairdryer:
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs Limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not Lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The Official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer st range, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the Floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
-
ROTFLMTAO!!!
-
LOL
-
Anyone a fan of Voltron ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzG4fQnDKZo
-
lol!
-
Amazing what you can find when you're bored on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mazx1_DNp5E
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This is sort of funny, this is my sister's house after a weekend of LAN parties... My nephew is the ringleader of the party, he's the one standing in the back taking a picture from another angle... And yes, this is her living room, from what I have been told, there were approximately 20 computers hooked up in there, and more in the dining room...
(http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/ii214/Constanceavatars/russandcomps.jpg)
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LAN parties are always fun. =)
-
I can only dream... *G*
http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=sEJfS1v-fU0
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I can only dream... *G*
http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=sEJfS1v-fU0
DAMN SKIPPY!!!
-
An English-only ordering policy has thrust one of Philadelphia's best-known cheesesteak joints into the national immigration debate.
Situated in a South Philadelphia immigrant neighborhood, Geno's -- which together with its chief rival, Pat's King of Steaks, forms the epicenter of an area described as "ground zero for cheesesteaks" -- has posted small signs telling customers, "This Is AMERICA: WHEN ORDERING `SPEAK ENGLISH."'
"They don't know how lucky they are. All we're asking them to do is learn the English language," said Geno's owner Joseph Vento, 66. "We're out to help these people, but they've got to help themselves, too." (2006)
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Next thing you know, they'll be trying to enforce what kinds of cheese are allowed on a cheesesteak. Try to take away my whiz, and we got problems.
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I can't blame them for posting that sign. I have the same policy. You don't force an entire country to speak your language when you go to live there. We speak English here, if you don't speak english, then you better learn it damn quick and in a hurry. Or at least buy your language - English dictionary like tourists do to go on vacation. Americans already have to deal so much with other languages and countries.. from our jobs being exported to calling up a company for technical support and having someone who speaks horrible English try to talk us through fixing something. Or the telemarketers who barely speak English calling me up, and mispronouncing my first name.. It's Amber.. it's not that difficult. Americans mispronounce my last name all the time, no biggie, but you better damned well say my first name right. I don't think we should have to learn a different language to accomodate the influx of illegal aliens who aren't trying to become citizens, or even attempting to learn our language.
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oh this is soooooo true! I live about.... maybe a 15 minuet drive from mexico...
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I miss TJ runs... used to get HUGE margaritas for maybe $2, just one would knock me on my ass... -=tacks note in my brain to go there when Ray and I go back to Cali in September for my nephew's wedding=-
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found this in my e-mail today and just had to share~lol
I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring from teaching. Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less tolerant. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one 's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just can't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
;D ;D ;D
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And this is why I will not be a walmart greeter. -lol- I plan on being meaaaaan in my old age.
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I like that Greeters style!!! LOL
Ummm... Amber... you are already mean. Old age will have no bearing on that.
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I am NOT mean.
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LOL
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How Raz says I love you...I love you too, my fuzzy huckleberry.. ;D *scrams before he reads this*
p.s.....He's right on cue with this gift to me. *nods lots*
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and; I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flappin in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good wad of Elmer’s slobber yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' o’erhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load o’ dirt .
When you hold me real tight like a padded swordrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best creamy gruel'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps droolin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they get chocolate for that special day; They git it at the Inner, it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the gardens. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men get fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds…I got you a new trollin‘ motor.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs)
lol- cute kid..
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs)
lol- cute kid..
JFROTFLMTAO!!!
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I dunno what they gave him.. but they could send some my way -lol
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PARTY AT LILAC'S!!!
-
tee hee...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhUHPhjStcs
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lol that was great..lol
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=na1btkL7epM&feature=related
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"The Old Version"
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was..
Some of the newer versions...(well probably been on the net forever but i just found them, lol)
Patient
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat
Over possessive
If you love somebody don't set her free.
Suspicious
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Paranoid:
If you love someone,
When you let her go,
she'll be out to get you.
Go-getter:
If you love someone,Set her free ...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, go get her !
-
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration'. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?'
-
LMTAO
-
"The Old Version"
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was..
Some of the newer versions...(well probably been on the net forever but i just found them, lol)
Patient
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat
Over possessive
If you love somebody don't set her free.
Suspicious
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Paranoid:
If you love someone,
When you let her go,
she'll be out to get you.
Go-getter:
If you love someone,Set her free ...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, go get her !
If you love someone, set them free..
If they come back, it was meant to be
If they lay on your couch, eat all your food,
leave their stuff all over the floor, watch your TV and
generally don't appear to notice that you have, in fact,
set them free...
well, then you either gave birth to them or married them.. LOL
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Rags and Raz are doing TV commercials again.. LOL
go to YouTube and check this out..
Capital One Vikings Commercial - 2009 (1).wmv
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OMG ~busts up laughing~ Ray and I saw this one and both looked at each other and said the same exact thing
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I think that's pretty much any Tuchuk man. lol
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I love the Headlines segment on the Tonight Show, and I came across one that literally had my sides bursting...
(http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3115/H_3115_09.jpg)
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I love the Headlines segment on the Tonight Show, and I came across one that literally had my sides bursting...
(http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3115/H_3115_09.jpg)
hmmm even in deer men like a huge rack lol thats hilarious
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fp88mfEgoGw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fp88mfEgoGw)
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She feared the force of the sneeze may put the baby back in.
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Got this from another message board and I just rolled!!!
(http://www.aviationweek.com/media/images/defense_images/Fighters/FA18-USN.jpg)
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.
The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
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a friend sent me this...and i haven't stop laughing since-
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/lure/untitled.bmp)
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LOL
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~busts up laughing~ Oh that is priceless the eHarmony one... just for fun I went to fill it out a few years back and was given an email stating that I couldn't join them, as I didn't pass their questionare.. ~RME~ I guess I was too kinky for their matchmaking skills... ~snorts~
Rags, Ray and I are still rolling over the aircraft in "Iraqi" space... He passed it on to his friends online and I never have heard that many people laughing at once...
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LMAO
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You Know You Grew Up In The 80's if:
1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom
8. Two words: Hammer Pants
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales" (Woo ooh!)
12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen and still know the turtles names.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
17. You played the game "MASH"(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear....need I say more?
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten. (She's Truly Outrageous.)
21. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all The Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pail kids in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples.
43. Don't worry, be happy
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down
46. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
49 You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales
50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"
53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.
54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - Shot Through The Heart.
55. You just sang those words to yourself.
56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
57. Homemade Levi shorts.
58. You remember when mullets were cool!
59. You had a mullet!
60. You still sing "We are the World"
61. You tight rolled your jeans.
62. You owned a banana clip.
63. You remember "Where's the Beef?"
64. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
65 You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
66. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!
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suddenly wants to be a kid again
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This came from a friend in Alaska, but I SWEAR I think it was a reality for Rags.. LMAO
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month i went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazzard fan that i was, i quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up Tshirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way- a set of post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.
One summer afternoon, i was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner... lets face it to a 10 yr. old mouth breather like myself ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, i went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
At this point, i set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... 1lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, i got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.
I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As i released i heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, i turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT he just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. Shit.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and i will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as i could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE DAMN DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice i said "was". That SOB got up and ran off.
So here i am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what i can only assume is a Vietnam flashback ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE GODDAMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.
I wish i knew what i said to my dad at this moment. I don't know- i know i said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom.
One thing is for sure... i never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzle loaders a week or so later. And i still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.
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~wipes the tears from my eyes and just starts laughing all over again~ Oh yea... black powder does go BOOM trust me on this... I am surprised I don't have scars from the time my friends and I decided to make the "safe" fireworks finale, a REAL finale... ~face palms as I bust up laughing again~
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God's Busy
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!!
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan .. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU .
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in he looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, ' Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'
Can we get an amen? *G*
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and the choir says AMEN!!!!!
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A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ." The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa ." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off .. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
'Damn,
'Damn !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.
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Egawds....
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Ya would think.. Mick would at least draw his attention to this fact. -rofl-
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*laughs with Amber*
oh HELL NO... I worked in a bar for 10 years.. and believe me.. when you spend all night dealing with someone drinking, leaving them an outlet to realize they were "over the edge" in the morning is funnier than shit.. LOL
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I have a good one for everyone...
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. So the old man says to his wife....
Hrmm....I forgot where I was going with this.....
Raz
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-snickers-
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~grumbles~
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You are so bad Master ( but in a good way ) giggles as she heads out
da flame
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You know, with the Sandar Memorial Dance Celebration coming 'round again, I can see him, so clearly, in my mind.. just enjoying the hell out of this and even having Kelsey pinging ramberries off this couple as they dance and him just laughing for the pure enjoyment and pleasure of it all..
http://www.parkwayreststop.com/archives/2937
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Redneck Bank Loan
A Redneck from South Carolina walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The good 'ole boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
His name was Bubba..
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i usually don't check out vids on the board but i am sooooooooo glad that i did!!!
what a gift they gave
thanks for sharing ;D
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got this in my e-mail today.....for some reason, i thought a few might get a kick out of it~
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example:
If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
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i found this on another board and it just crack me up
MY PRIVATE PARTS DIED
« on: February 20, 2009, 09:20:53 pm » Quote
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes
a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.
Please accept my
condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking
down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday
that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
out of your pajamas?'
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
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Sounds like me in a few years. LOL
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I laughed and cried...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvLLR0pP5yU
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ROTFLMTAO
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The Moral of Auntie Sharon
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'
Michael, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the hell away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'
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Aunty Sharon must have been woobie. LOL
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naaa if was woobie then she wouldn't have nneeded the bullets... *grins and scrams *
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lol.
sounds like my aunt poncha.
amanda
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Confuzzled Johnny came home from college with a note from one of his professors. It said "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls. Please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
Johnny's mother took him quietly by the hand and led him upstairs to her bedroom and closed the door.
"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse." He unbuttoned her blouse and took it off.
"Okay, now take off my skirt." He took off her skirt.
"Now take off my bra." He did so.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Johnny finished removing those, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to college anymore!"
Edit by Rags to keep it all adult in content.
But it is still funny! LOL
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Sorry about that... I cut and pasted it and didn't look... ~blushes a lot~ I usually edit before I post...
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The Art of Taking A Pee
(Written to a woman who accidently walked
into a men's restroom...)
Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!
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One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
ʽI donʼt know what to do here,ʼ says the devil. ʽYou are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so Iʼll tell you what Iʼm going to do. Iʼve got a couple of folks here who werenʼt quite as bad as you. Iʼll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. Iʼll even let YOU decide who leaves.ʼ
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
ʽNo,ʼ OJ said. ʽI donʼt think so. Iʼm not a good swimmer, and I donʼt think I could do that all day long.ʼ
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. ʽNo, this is no good; Iʼve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,ʼ commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, ʽYeah man, I can handle this.ʼ
The devil smiled and said . . . . .
ʽOK, Monica, youʼre free to go.'
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OMG!!! ROTFLMTAO!!!
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Virtual Coffee Machine... LOL
http://www.cartoline.it:80/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf
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ewwwhhhhhh....
amanda
giggles...
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quote of the day
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES -
NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A
SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
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Star Wars Weapon Testing on Stormtroopers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YimijEkh8Fs&NR=1
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i'm not naming names, but...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r-n9TNZQ_g&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r-n9TNZQ_g&feature=related)
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OMG!!
*just FDD!!*
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Hard to imagine... then again maybe not!!
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
You just gotta luv #11
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(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/lure/image0011.jpg)
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*Groans*
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2008 Darwin Awards
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18- inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place (My choice for 1st place!)
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired.
The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER-UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by.
They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves...'Shit happens.'
THEY WALK AMONG US...
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
-
LOL
My Thanks People!!!
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~roflmtao~
shit happens indeed!!
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Wow.
Raz
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For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
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hrmmm I was told it was a pause button.. but who knew....lol :-[
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LOL
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(((quote from Berit)))
Do You Hate Your Job?
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
da flame
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Uh. What's the statement on the literature? I'm curious!
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actually got this as an e-mail the other day~lol~
what you find in the fine print is this lil statement-
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is
personally tested"
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.
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Oh! -rofl-
-
LMAO
-
:o :o :o :o :o :o
??? ??? ??? ???
:-\ :-\
:-X
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*from my sister* LOL
I kinda knew this had to be the answer.... *G*
CLEARS A LOT OF THINGS UP!
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!
Now You Know.
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~jfdl~
omg....that's flippin' priceless!!!
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ummmmmmmmmmm...........?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXrUSVQ5k78 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXrUSVQ5k78)
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.. shakes head.. thats just not even right
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ummmmmmmmmmm...........?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXrUSVQ5k78 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXrUSVQ5k78)
Okies Daughter..... how many times did ya hit him in da skull wit da skillet to make him dat way?
We can already tell you were standing there as motivation for his performance wearing your best Spetsnaz gear stolen from the dudes on Deadliest Warrior.
-
hee heee!
-
didnt hit him on the head.. made him sit on the washer after I tossed the grenade in.. then he stole my copy of Carmina Burana.. I dunno.. -shakes head- kept telling him they were singing in a different language and that 'da da da da" wasnt it... but would he listen.. NO.. no more smokes in the shower for him -rme- sadly.. as amusing as he was.. he was not the new love of my new life... (ah swee spetsnaz) so I had to fire my knife at him..
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didnt hit him on the head.. made him sit on the washer after I tossed the grenade in.. then he stole my copy of Carmina Burana.. I dunno.. -shakes head- kept telling him they were singing in a different language and that 'da da da da" wasnt it... but would he listen.. NO.. no more smokes in the shower for him -rme- sadly.. as amusing as he was.. he was not the new love of my new life... (ah swee spetsnaz) so I had to fire my knife at him..
Dats my beautiful bloodthirsty Daughter!!! ;D
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it was the daughter in the bathroom with the spetsnaz ballistic knife...
Oh... we're not playing Clue are we... ~looks around innocently~
**disclaimer... this was all RAY'S fault**
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LMTAO!!!
-
I is IMMOOOOOOCENT
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you are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not innocent, lies all lies...lol
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Didn't say innocent... said I is IMMOOOOOOOOOOOCENT...
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LMFAO~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTYPYKpHkDo
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Sssshhhhhh....... be vewy qwuiet...... wabbit hunting waddtlsnake!!!
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that was to cute.. giggles
da flame
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The scent of freshness.
A new Publix supermarket opened in Hudson, Florida.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce
fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal
grilled steaks and brats.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp
smell of tapped Miller Lite.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of
fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
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SuperRaz~
File this one away for future reference... Princess Peanut isn't old enough... . yet
*LMAO*
One day, you will be in this situation, sort of to speak, and you would do well to remember this.. It reminded me of your little story about the fish that changed colors...
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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~jdl~
ya think we need to go shoppin for a tea set my mentor?
~cracks up and poofs...fast~
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*grins*
woobies has a little silver one she just got with the princess in mind..
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Too late...
Raz
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(http://i367.photobucket.com/albums/oo114/TheRedFather/Funny/FQ-1.jpg)
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(http://i367.photobucket.com/albums/oo114/TheRedFather/Funny/FQ-1.jpg)
HOLY MOLEY!!!And all the people said "Amen".
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(http://i367.photobucket.com/albums/oo114/TheRedFather/Funny/FQ-1.jpg)
HOLY MOLEY!!!And all the people said "Amen".
No, that's making mountains out of mole hills... -Ray
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*Warning this is possibly 18 and older type picture*
They "claim" this wasn't advertised in the brochure:
http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/taryniona/brochure.jpg
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I wonder if they felt the earth move?
::)
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heh heh heh.. and who said work can't have it's fun moments... LOL
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XwdkxPQCzY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XwdkxPQCzY)
this is sooo wrong....but yet...
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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always always always a good song lure...lol
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This is funny, and makes me glad I am not the woman who had to have this conversation with her tenant...
http://poststuff5.entensity.net/060109/ducks.php
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~jfdl~
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Heh heh heh....
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A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some asshole's got my pen!'
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jfdf... read that to my friend who has this pen thing.. and she just shook her head an smirked... I on the other hand now check hubby after he is in the hospital just in case it is a pen stickin out where it shouldn't be.... *grins*
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Okay, I know its July 4 and the American celebration for their country and the majority of My family here is American...but, I got this email today that brightened My day...and made Me laugh a little while helping Me stand a little straighter (which is something I sure can used after the stresses I've been under this last month or so)...so, in an uncharacteristic gesture from Me, I'm going to post it here.
CANADIAN.... Eh !
So, What Do We Canadians Have To Be Proud Of ?
1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and bigger balls.
4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll , ON
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers
10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts
11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past their White House. Then we burned it, and most of Washington..We got bored because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied........ Go figure.
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany .
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER. (We got clobbered in the odd battle but. prevailed in ALL the wars)
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, he slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.
16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
(That's more information than I need!)
19. We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk.
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis and the telephone. Also short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisements kick ass {Incidently...so does our beer}
BUT MOST IMPORTANT !
The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
OOOoohhhhh.... Canada !!
. Oh yeah... And our elections only take one day.
I hope you enjoy it and take it in the way its meant...I love you all and wish you a wonderful day!
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YAY Mistresss !!!
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taken as an insult...
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This is a cute vid about a little girl saying the pledge (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYen-qn1zec&feature=player_embedded) <-click me im a link!
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(http://static.pyzam.com/img/funnypics/misc/mi16.jpg)
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JDL!!!
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Crazy ass workout...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0fp_oJbu8c
funny tattoos!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luAPOMi8-VE
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No sex since 1955
> A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
> hosted by a local
> liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
> young idealistic ladies
> in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
> for conversation.
> 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
> serious man. Is
> something bothering you?'
> 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
> The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and
> said, 'It looks
> like you have seen a lot of action.'
> 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
> The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a
> conversation, said, 'You
> know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
> yourself.'
> The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
> Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you
> don't take this the
> wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
> '1955, ma'am.'
> 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious.
> You really need to
> chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand
> and led him to a
> private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him
> several times
> Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare> chest and said,
> 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
> The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after
> glancing at his watch,
> 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'
> (Gotta love military time)
-
roflmtao
-
lmao
love the military...
amanda
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On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on herwedding night and put it on.She went to her husband, a retired Soldier, and asked, "Honey, do youremember this?"He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You worethat same negligee the night we were married".She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck thelife out of those boobs and screw your brains out."She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fiftyyears later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to saytonight?"He looked her up and down and said; "Mission Accomplished."....................That's when the fight started.
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An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
MURDER AT WAL-MART...
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to
have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000..
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down
payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her
last breath & slumped to The floor ........
The manager of the produce department stumbled
Unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses
behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as
well..
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught
And arrested before he could even leave the store...
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
Revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements
with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this...)
ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'
Oh, quit groaning!!!
I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then pass it on to you.
A man's penis gets sunburned so he sticks it in a glass of milk. His blonde girlfriend walks in and says OMG! Is that how you reload it ?
A group of reporters and a green beret were captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribal chief had made a practice of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Special Forces soldier, what is
your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the green beret.
"What?" asked the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the green beret.
So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The green beret went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire.
In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Special Forces soldier was untying the others, they asked him, "Why
didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"
"What!?" said the green beret, "And have you assholes call ME the
aggressor?!?"
Bubba's Home Remedies
HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
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A legal question!!!!!
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=12507731bdac2b7c&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw)
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=12507731bdac2b7c&attid=0.1.2&disp=emb&zw)
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=12507731bdac2b7c&attid=0.1.3&disp=emb&)
Is this statutory rape???
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A legal question!!!!!
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=12507731bdac2b7c&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw)
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=12507731bdac2b7c&attid=0.1.2&disp=emb&zw)
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=12507731bdac2b7c&attid=0.1.3&disp=emb&)
Is this statutory rape???
I suppose it depends on what the red X's are doing and how old they are.
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Ok....I don't know what happened to the pictures. Let's try this again.
Legal Question
(http://www.geckotales.com/moose1.jpg)
(http://www.geckotales.com/moose2.jpg)
(http://www.geckotales.com/moose3.jpg)
Is this statutory rape???
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Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving
01. Talk about a huge breast!
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
03. It's Cool Whip time!
04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
05. That's one terrific spread!
06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
07. Are you ready for seconds yet?
08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
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ok.... ;D...so i was bored today at work..
(http://88.84.128.30/~isnochys/wordpress/wp-content/2008/07/2894.jpg)
(http://apps.rockyou.com/images/facebook/apps/superwall/2008_03_17_dirty_mind.jpg)
(http://www.simplydumb.com/files/2008/03/sexism-thumb.jpg)
(http://)
(http://bighugelabs.com/contest/1/42.jpg)
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Ok....I don't know what happened to the pictures. Let's try this again.
Legal Question
(http://www.geckotales.com/moose1.jpg)
(http://www.geckotales.com/moose2.jpg)
(http://www.geckotales.com/moose3.jpg)
Is this statutory rape???
ROTFLMTAO!!!
-
Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving
01. Talk about a huge breast!
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
03. It's Cool Whip time!
04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
05. That's one terrific spread!
06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
07. Are you ready for seconds yet?
08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
*Facepalms and groans*
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ok.... ;D...so i was bored today at work..
(http://www.simplydumb.com/files/2008/03/sexism-thumb.jpg)
LMTAO!!!
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First came the Commemorative coins, then the T-shirts and then the plates .
Now somSomething for the rest of us...
(http://f837.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f62656%5fAEhVk0UAAXoXS2mAmQDS9lI9dr8&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1)
Use with Caution...
it's going to irritate your ass!
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(http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs292.ash1/21956_1300515123291_1542828275_762825_5617991_n.jpg)
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(http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs292.ash1/21956_1300515123291_1542828275_762825_5617991_n.jpg)
ROTFLMTAO!!!
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They should send one to the entire nation...
:D :D :D :D
Thanks, Hipster...
Leda
-
Going to try this one again.
First came the Commemorative coins, then the T-shirts and then the plates .
Now Something for the rest of us...
(http://jeremyinc.com/images/obama.jpg)
Use with Caution...
It's going to irritate your ass!
-
-snickers-...nice one.
-
Going to try this one again.
First came the Commemorative coins, then the T-shirts and then the plates .
Now Something for the rest of us...
(http://jeremyinc.com/images/obama.jpg)
Use with Caution...
It's going to irritate your ass!
Now this is disgraceful. I would never wipe my ass with this stuff.
I value my ass too much!!!ROTFLMTAO!!!
-
Rags, Ray completely agrees with you on that note, as do I... but it does nail it perfectly on how he's reflected in the USA.. ~snickers~
-
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: 'That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*cking siren, would I?'
-
LMTAO!!!
-
(http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/celebrity-pictures-bolger-garland-job-congress.jpg)
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(http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/celebrity-pictures-bolger-garland-job-congress.jpg)
Without a doubt!!! Then they could honestly say the stimulus package created one job.
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It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
-
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
Hehehe....That is too good! *Runs and hides quickly*
-
JDL!!!
-
(http://captionsplash.mylifetime.com/files/captionsplash/imagecache/cs_full_430x323/caption_photos/2010-02-19/1266629510/image.jpg)
(http://captionsplash.mylifetime.com/files/captionsplash/imagecache/cs_full_430x323/caption_photos/2010-02-13/1266117453/image.jpg)
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LOL
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(http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs502.snc3/26393_1222195920400_1394027410_30525622_8061262_n.jpg)
It's about time that it happened to her!!!
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A-frakken-MEN!!!
-
LOL
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JDL!!!
-
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Reply: Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind: Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilty 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.4, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck, Tech Support
-
LMFAO!!
-
LMAO
-
JDL!!!
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AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!
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I LOVE IT!!!
-
Hehe...thought you would Rags!
-
;) :D :-* :-* :-*
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How fairy tales really end:
Cinderella
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw)
Snow White
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.2&disp=emb&zw)
Little red riding hood
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.3&disp=emb&zw)
Sleeping beauty
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.4&disp=emb&zw)
Jasmine (Aladin)
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.5&disp=emb&zw)
Belle (Beauty and the beast)
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.6&disp=emb&zw)
The little mermaid
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.7&disp=emb&zw)
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is there supposed to be pictures on that last one?
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STILL no pics
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got this in my email the other day :D
40 things you would like to say at work
this are hilarious!!! and soooo true...
1. I can see your point, but I still thing you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word you are saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it.... like humor... but different.
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LMTAO
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not sure if this has ever been posted or not....but thought I'd stick it up here anyways..
In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. "Sir," she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER
LISTEN
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ound this on another board and had to share...
a comedian who does a kick ass Ian McKellen impression...and then redoes the openings of a couple well known classic tv shows
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1HSNV9y25A (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1HSNV9y25A)
Ducktales~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqyD8E1QATs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqyD8E1QATs)
there's more but these were the ones that had me cracking up
;D
-
(http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs147.snc4/36724_405086501838_766296838_4124368_2021002_s.jpg)
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LOL
-
got this in my email the other day :D
40 things you would like to say at work
this are hilarious!!! and soooo true...
1. I can see your point, but I still thing you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word you are saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it.... like humor... but different.
See that... most of that is done on a daily basis at my work. Just ask anyone who has ever heard me on the phone while at work.
Raz
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I can vouch.... it is true. LOL
-
Evil Squirrel
A former Vietnam Helicopter Pilot wrote the message below..
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in
the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage! Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.........And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved.
Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... well... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the
handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have Really... Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ...but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids
-
-falls out of my fucking chair just laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaughing- Must be the cousin of the squirrel that almost made me get into an accident when I was living in Des Moines. For those that don't know.. if a squirrel is knocked unconcious by running smack dab into a cars tire.. the sound of another approaching vehicle will wake it right back up, so that it will hop up right before your car goes over it, thereby scaring the shit out of you and causing you to swerve out of reflex rather than animal rights. And should you not cause an accident and look in your review mirror? The damned squirrel just did it again and is currently scaring the driver behind you with it's "back from the dead" impression.
-
Squirrels are EVIL!!!!
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BWA hah hah hah hah hah hah!!!!
ROTFLOMTAOFDL!!!
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(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3128/2678855518_bd00f849d0.jpg)
YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS RANCHER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE ......
While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama, and his being our president.
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle."
Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,
What's a "Post Turtle?"
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb a** put him up there in the first place."
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-bol-
-
roflmao
-
ROTFLMTAO!!!
Damn skippy!!!
-
This is mY husband, in his usual pose...watching Glenn Beck....
http://i.imgur.com/kodxp.jpg
And yes, that is my Rosary in the foreground...
Giggles...but feeling safe...
Medi
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LOL But where is the beer to go with the firepower??!!!
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant..One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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LOL
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LOL....That is just too funny. Thanks for sharing Shylina.
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JDL
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The following was posted on Facebook by a very good friend of mine from high school..
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/taryniona/5492698.gif)
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Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland he asked the audience for total quiet.
Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands ... once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone,
“Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence ...
“Well, f-king stop doin’ it then, ya evil bastard!”
:D :D :D
I suspect that the shouter was a MacLaaran...
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LMTAO
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These really cracked me up.
:D ;D :D
I looked at her, and replied with a stern voice.
“On Gor”, I continued, “all men are stoic and without flaws, and all women are docile slaves”
“Yes, Master”, she replied.
- Boring Numbskull of Gor, page 234
“You are defeated”, said I.
He looked at me, fury in his eyes.
“No”, said he, and stood. “You jumped. INVALID!!!!”
- Pewpewer of Gor, page 59
The tall black clad woman looked at the smith, her eyes curious and aware.
“Tal”, she said. She looked the man over, and adjusted the bow on her back as she spoke.
He ignored her, and kept hammering on the anvil.
“Tal”, she repeated, her voice louder. “I am Louisa”
“Femlaw”, said he, “you don’t exist”
- Warwench of Gor, page 666
“What weapon do you carry, warrior?”, he asked.
I drew the gladius from its sheath, and showed it to the captain.
“How long”, he asked, “is this blade?”
I paused, and looked at the blade. “59 centimeters”, I replied. It was a guess.
He frowned as he replied. “The Gorean gladius”, said he, “is 64 centimeters long”.
I looked at him, perplexed.
He flicked a switch, and bared his teeth at me, “You ignorant fool,” he snarled, “you know nothing of Gor”
My eyes went wide. I had been banned.
- Supercilious Fool of Gor, page 342
“Slave,” I said, “you will clean the bosk pens”.
“Yes, Master” said she.
“Yes,” said I, “and you will send me a notecard of it when you finish”
- Notecarding Slave of Gor, page 44
“Bring me paga, beast” I told her, and took in the curves of her body.
The blonde physician raised his hand and spoke at me. “Nay Good Sir,” he exclaimed, “thou shalt not call this poor simple wretch a beast!”
- White Knight of Gor, page 164
She crawled up on the table in front of him with the pitcher in her delicate hands. “Drink, Master?”, she asked.
He sat silent a moment, and looked at her. “Slave,” he said, “pleasure me in IM”
She shook her head.
“You,” said he, “are no slave”
IM Nutjob of Gor, page 1
“Why,” I inquired, “are you laughing?”
“Because,” she replied with a grin, “I am amused”
“Fool,” said I, “on Gor, there is no fun”
- Partypooper of Gor, page 5
“Greetings, Master”, I said, and knelt on the paved street, my thighs wide in the position of the pleasure slave.
The slave kneeling to his left spoke. “No hun, you don’t kneel like that, okay sweetie? Here, let me show you. Do you need training?”
- Know-it-all of Gor, page 39
“Buy me Master”, she cried as her small fingers trailed up my leg.
I looked down at her, and my eyes locked with hers. “No”, said I.
She looked up at me with lust and desire in her eyes.
“But Master”, she said with a honeyed voice, “I’ll cum for you on voice”
I walked away, and heard her howls of anger in the distance.
- Annoying Whore of Gor, page 271
“Fear not”, said he, “I am a RL Master”
She looked up at him, doubt in her eyes.
“Trust me,” he said, “I am a RL Master”
- Wannabe of Gor, page 36
I looked at her. “I will have you swiftly,” I said.
“No”, she shook her head, “I am restricted to my Master”
“I will have you swiftly”, I repeated.
“No,” said she, “read my profile limits”
- Princess of Gor, page 87
“You cannot punish me”, she said, and looked up at the whip.
I delivered the first strike. “Yes,” said I, “you are a slave”
“No,” she cried, “I am my Masters property! You may not punish me!”
- AAAAAAARGGGHHHH of Gor, page 198
The slave of Marius the Merchant approached me. I frowned, her features were not appealing to me.
“A drink, Master?”, she asked, and smiled.
“No,” said I, “I do not like your face. Change it, slave”
She looked down, her face saddened. “I cannot”, she replied, and looked to the side in shame, “Master”
I took the knife from my belt, and quickly slit her throat. I would pay compensation to Marius later.
- Insane Asshole of Gor, page 102
“Learn, slave”, said I, “or die”
“No,” said she, “it is fun to disobey”
- Attention Whore of Gor, page 114
“I do not much care for your attitude. I want your name and photo”, I scowled, “this is more than a game for me!”
She looked at me with a puzzled look on her face. “I am here for role play”, she said.
“No”, I scowled, “you are a slave in all ways!”
She played a giggling gesture, then a fart gesture, and walked off.
I clicked her, and read her picks. I had been added to her no-RP list.
- Delusional Lifestyler of Gor, page 75
He took the pincers, and closed them around her labia. He had done the same to her nipples, and he had been most aroused by the painful screams.
“Good thing”, he said and smiled, “that you are only a slave”
He tightened his grip, and pulled.
- Sadistic Nutjob of Gor, page 2
A slave joined the one in front of me. They hugged, giggled, and proceeded to prattle on nonsensically.
My head exploded in frustration, the red goo flowing out of the spot where my neck once was.
- Sissybissysissypooboowoo of Gor, page 99
“The 600th aphorism of the codes from bettergorean.com state,” he began.
Suddenly the air turned an electric blue. I shielded my eyes, and opened them only a few minutes later.
I looked down. The man had been struck by the blue flame of the Priest Kings.
- Onlinism of Gor, page 23
“I am better”, I said.
“No,” said he, “I am better”
I looked at him, angry. “I insist”, I replied, “that I am better”
“You,” he said, “are wrong. I am better”
“No,” I shot back, “I am better!”
He stomped his feet against the ground repeatedly. “No, me!”, he cried.
e-Penis of Gor, page 72
:D ;D :D
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JDL
And the funniest part for me is I see actual gorean personna's in place of the fabricated book quotes!!!
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JDL
And the funniest part for me is I see actual gorean personna's in place of the fabricated book quotes!!!
I know, Rags...by my count, I have been guilty of at least 8 of them...
:P
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I found some more...
;D ;D ;D
"I would like a bota of cold paga", I say to the girl kneeling in front of me.
"Yes, Master, a bottle of larma juice", the lovely blonde says.
"No, girl, a bota of cold paga", I repeat.
"Yes, Master, a bottle of cold paga", the lovely girl says to me.
I take her chin in my hand, forcing her to focus on me..."A bota of cold paga", I say, slowly.
"Yes Master, a bota of cold paga" she says.
I release her chin, and watch as she scampers away. As she gets a short distance away, I hear her coo, "Ooooh...look at the kitty", and watch as she follows the giani that lives in the gardens.
I sigh, and pick up a rock and peg it at the back of her head.
-ADHD Kajira of Gor, page 134-
"It was, like, totally gross" says tiffany.
"Well, like, basically, the Master tied misty up, and threw her into the canal, and, like, the urts ATE her!"
"Eww, like totally gross", said heather.
"Like, I totally blew chunks".
"Like, gag me with a spoon", said melissa.
"Eww, that must have been, like, grody to the max", said heather.
"Yeah, like, basically, it grossed me out. Say, let's go get some latte' soy frapuccinos."
-Valley girls of Gor, page 203-
"Does this please you, Master?", said the girl, as she knelt as a pleasure slave.
I idly looked down at her, and frowned. "No, your legs aren't quite at the right angle, and your back isn't very straight".
I pull out my sword, and cut her head off.
"That will teach you, slave", I snarl as I walk away.
I leave the area, wondering why I am not getting any IM furring.
-Unforgiving Perfectionist Asshole of Gor, page 589
<At a beach near the Thassa>...Hello.
<In a cave in the Schendi Jungles>...Tal, well met, I am pleased to meet you, I am ready to add my sword to your band.
<At a beach near the Thassa>...((Ah, we are about 1,000 pasangs apart, we can not be talking to each other)).
<In a cave in the Schendi Jungles>...((What is a pasang?))
<At a beach near the Thassa>...((Whatever, just match my pd))
<In a cave in the Schendi Jungles>...((What's a 'pd'?))
<At a beach near the Thassa>...((It is shorthand for 'pull down'...just hit the menu, and select where I am at))
<In a cave in the Schendi Jungles>...hits the 'copy and paste' tab...((Is this it?))
<At a beach near the Thassa>...Leaves...
-Technology Challenged Tarnsman of Gor, page 34-
I watch as the lovely slave makes her way to me. I have listened, and paid attention to each, and every detailed step of her serve, that she had addressed to me. It has taken her about 50 minutes, earth time, to complete her serve, and it was very detailed, and graceful. My mouth is in a broad smile as she settles into her final kneel, and offers the exquisite food and drink to me.
"Does this please you, Master?, she coos.
"Yes, girl, it does, but I didn't order this, He did", I say as I point my thumb to my right.
The Ubar, sitting to my right, doesn't look very amused.
-Airhead Kajira of Gor, page 89-
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JDL
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my girl, jale, sent this to me and I about died laughing.. thought I would share
I met a fairy today that granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever, " I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Lions win the Super Bowl!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
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-bol-
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LOL
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The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased . . .. . . .
And Dog was happy. . . . .
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other....
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LMTAO
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-applaudes- ;D :D ;)
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now the REAL story of the 3 Bears
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!
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On the Way to the Wedding
On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they still get married in heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.. Let me go find out," and he went back inside.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted.. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a Lawyer?!?"
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now the REAL story of the 3 Bears
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!
Dats my gunny!!!
:D :-* :-* :-*
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LMAO
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Lmao at all of them thank you i really did need a laugh...
da flame
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The California Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading towards the city of San Diego
For the first offense, they give you two Chargers tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
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True dat!!!
:D
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I gotta love my darlin' Dave in Philly... this is from him..
The Love Dress
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She let herself in and was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot...
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JDL
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-jdl-
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woobies!! I knew this was for you all along!!!
(http://c0389161.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/dyn/str_strip/343393.full.gif)
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found this on another board...and had to share~
(http://media.funlol.com/content/img/mature-people-truths.jpg)
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A great deal of truth in those words!!! LOL
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omg I just soooo love those!!! -lmao-
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A Terre Haute, IN, policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Indianapolis, IN. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded
with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As an Indiana State Trooper
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you are going to sell me a ticket to the Indiana State Police Ball." He
replied, "Indiana State Police don't have balls." There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too
hard to start her car.
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ROTFLMTAO!!!
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jdl
omg...those are a riot! thank you for sharing those :)
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;D haha. Oh thank you for those. So needed the laugh!
-makes note to find the illusive 'sarcasm' font!-
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-jdl-
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Gift from Santa
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir.
"Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
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BOROTFLMTAO!!!
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Some 'Red Savage' humor.
There were three Indian squaws.
One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
:D :D :D
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*Scratches my head* :-\
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Some 'Red Savage' humor.
There were three Indian squaws.
One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
:D :D :D
And this is why I flunked Algebra.. LOL
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This is definitely a Gorean joke, because it's the Pytha"gorean" theorem. -- Ray
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This is definitely a Gorean joke, because it's the Pytha"gorean" theorem. -- Ray
Taryn, I think that Ray's response is worse than the joke... ;D
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this was on facebook
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/hs040.snc6/166996_496738327239_26012002239_5889210_6781438_n.jpg)
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BWAHAHAHAHAHA...
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-falls over giggling-
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OK, a frog walks into a bank, and walks up to the Teller, who's nameplate reads "Patricia Whack". The frog says that he wants a $10,000 loan. The Teller asks the frog who he is, and what collateral he has for the loan. The frog replies, "My name is Kermit, my father is Mick Jagger, and, I have this for collateral". The frog sets a small ivory carving of an elephant on the woman's desk. She takes the carving up, and says, "Wait here, I need to speak to the Manager".
She walks into the Manager's office, and tells him, "There is a frog out there who wants a $10,000 loan. He says that his father is Mick Jagger, and he has this for collateral. She sets the carving on the Manager's desk, and asks, "Just what is this thing, anyway?"
The Manager looks down at the carved piece of ivory, and then looks back at the Teller, and says;
"It's a nicknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".
:D ;D :D
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(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/ragnar/3pfacepalm.jpg)
:D ;) :-*
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45 Life Lessons-
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents
will. Stay in touch
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is
all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19 It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to
you and no one else.
20 When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an
answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save
it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this
matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29 What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab
ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
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I needed that. *Huggers* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Military Rules for the Non-Military Personnel
Dear Civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with:
1. The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem ... kick their ass.
2. When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in protest... kick their ass.
3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.
4. (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
5. Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kicking (children are exempt).
6. If you witness someone calling the U.S. Coast Guard non military, inform them of their mistake...and kick their ass.
7. Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper...it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.
8. Next time Old Glory (U.S. flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her...of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking.
9. What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The proper word to describe her is "traitor." Just mention her nomination for "Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked.
10. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command, is to include our commander in Chief. The President (for those who didn't know) is our CIC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives" meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)
11. "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me ... stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and probably kick your ass!
12. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me ... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let a vet know, so the can go kick their ass.
13. Flyboy (Air Force), Jar Head (Marines), Grunt (Army), Squid (Navy) etc, are terms of endearment used describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Could get your ass kicked.
14. Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please remember that there are, literally, thousands of sailors and troops far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.
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LETTER FROM A NAVAL AVIATOR
I don't know who put this... together, but I sure would like to shake his hand, pat him on the back, and wish him, "Good Hunting...!"
Dear Terrorists,
I am a Navy Aviator. I was born and raised in a small town in New England . I come from a family of five. I was raised in a middle class home and taught my values by my mother and father.
My dad worked a series of jobs in finance and my mom took care of us kids. We were not an overly religious family but attended church most Sundays. It was a nice small Episcopal Church. I have a brother and Sister and I am the youngest in my family. I was the first in many generations to attend college.
I have flown Naval aircraft for 16 years. For me the flying was never a lifelong dream or a "calling," it just happened. I needed a job and I liked the challenge.
I continue to do it today because I feel it is important to give back to a nation which has given so much to me.
I do it because, although I will never be rich, my family will be comfortable. I do it because many of my friends have left for the airlines and someone has to do it. My government has spent millions to train me to fly these multi-milliondollar aircraft. I make about 70,000 dollars a year and after 20 years will be offered a pension.
I like baseball but think the players make too much money. I am in awe of firemen and policemen and what they do each day for my community, and like teachers, they just don't get paid enough.
I respect my elders and always use sir or ma'am when addressing a stranger. I'm not sure about kids these days but I think that's normal for every generation.
I tell you all this because when I come for you, I want you to know me.
I won't be hiding behind a woman or a child. I won't be disguised or pretending to be something I am not. I will be in a U.S. Issue flight suit. I will be wearing standard US issue flight gear, and I will be flying a Navy aircraft clearly marked as a US warplane.
I wish we could meet up close in a small room where I could wrap my hands around your throat and slowly squeeze the life out of you, but unfortunately, you're hiding in a hole in the ground, So we will have to do this a different way.
I want you to know also that I am very good at what I do. I can put a 2,000 lb weapon through a window from 10,000 feet up. I generally only fly at night, so you may want to start sleeping during the day.
I am not eager to die for my country but I am willing to sacrifice my life to protect it from animals like you.
I will do everything in my power to ensure no civilians are hurt as I take aim at you. My countrymen are a forgiving bunch. Many are already forgetting what you did on Sept 11th. But I will not forget!! I am coming. I hope you know me a little bit better, see you soon...sleep tight.
Signed: A U.S. Navy Pilot
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God Bless and Amen!!!
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A Breakdown of The Ingredients in Taco Bell’s Taco Beef
News broke today that a law firm in Alabama is suing Taco Bell for false advertising, claiming that their beef isn’t actually beef at all, seeing as it contains only 36% actual cow flesh. That leaves 64% of the “beef” to account for. Tech blog Gizmodo got their hands on a list of the rest of Taco Bell’s beef ingredients, but they only went as far as to mention what those ingredients are, by name. We’re going to swoop in and give you a basic description of what those are specifically, and what it is they do.
1) Beef – It’s only at number one because if they flipped number’s one and two to save some cash Taco Bell would then have to advertise their products as containing “savory, gelatinous beef water.”
2) Water – Coming in as the second most prominent ingredient in Taco Bell bee is water, because the principle that applies to poor people tricking themselves in to thinking that adding water in to the jug of milk means you have more milk also applies to corporate fast food chain beef preparation, aka Beef Chicanery.
3) Isolated Oat Product – used as a “meat extender,” which is, by the way, is also a phrase found in the product descriptions of quite a few dick-related sex toys. Isolated oats are oats that have been told they will never amount to anything and will never have any friends. Thus, they become sheltered and anti-social and they listen to a lot of Slipknot. While they may be pretty far down on the list of oat products you’d hang out with in high school, they are number three on the list of Taco Bell beef ingredients. It’s like that nerdy kid in school that no one hung out with who later become the CEO of a major tech company.
4) Salt – If you add enough of it, anything can taste like food.
5) Chili Pepper – see # 4. Also, it masks that created-in-a-test-tube-under-strict-anti-biohazzard-contamination-regulations taste.
6) Onion Powder – If onion powder is made of onions, and garlic powder is made of garlic, what’s baby powder made of? Ha-ha! Stole that from every 90s stand-up comedian!
7) Tomato Powder – What tomato fairies sprinkle on tomatoes to make them fly. The tomatoes must also think a happy thought in order to fly. Sadly, most tomatoes are idiots that can’t even think. And the ones that can are only thinking murder.
8) Oats – The once-popular-but-now-kind-of-sad older brother of Isolated Oat Product. He used to get all the chicks in high school, but after he blew out his knee during a football game, he lost his University of Florida scholarship. He now works various crappy temp jobs and can only make it up to the number eight slot of the most prominent ingredients in Taco Bell beef. He is to this day jealous of his younger brother Isolated Oat Product.
9) Soy Lecithin – Scientifically classified as a “wetting agent.” We should note that a Super Soaker can also be considered a wetting agent. And if you’re saying wetting agent without reading it, then yes, it is also a person that works out the various contracts used during weddings.
10) Sugar – Because you can’t make diabetes an actual ingredient.
11) Spices – A vague enough word to make you think something devious is afoot, yet a concrete enough word to make people quickly give up thinking about how devious it sounds.
12) Maltodextrin – a corn-based sweetener added in to meet the American public’s demand of eating corn while eating a corn tortilla. Maltodextrin allows for the corn-within-corn dynamic. It’s also known as the Inception of corn-based products.
13) Soybean Oil – The most boring and tasteless of all the oils.
14) Garlic Powder – Made from cremated bodies of dead garlics.
15) Autolyzed Yeast Extract – Like MSG, but cheaper. Taco Bell is cutting corners on a product that every mom-and-pop Chinese restaurant in North America has so much of they probably poor it in to your water.
16) Citric Acid – A meat tenderizer. More efficient then having a dude pound 100 million pounds of meat with a hammer.
17) Caramel Color – Because without it your taco beef would look like semi-coagulated paint primer.
18) Cocoa Powder – A holdover from when Taco Bell thought about competing with Starbucks for the coffee drinker demographic, back when they were trying to figure out how to make beef-flavored mocha lattes. The experiments were not successful. Many chimps died.
19) Silicon Dioxide — An anti-caking agent, and the contents of those little sacks of beads you find in new clothes. So, if you are opening a new clothing store, you can stuff the pockets of all of your jeans and button-up shirts with taco beef. Consuming the product ensures your stomach stays fresh and doesn’t attract moths.
20) Natural Flavors – All of them. All naturally occurring flavors are included, including dirt, bitter horse ass, and placenta.
21) Yeast – Because Taco Bell is required by the government to include at least one familiar sounding thing this far down on the list.
22) Modified Corn Starch – It was modified with an obnoxiously loud tail pipe and a 4-foot-tall spoiler.
23) Natural Smoke Flavor – It tastes like burning.
24) More Salt – Because the fat Mexican mom that stirs the bubbling industrial vats of meat with a gigantic wooden spoon gave the meat a taste before it was done and thought it was too bland.
25) Sodium Phosphate – Used to preserve meat. Also, it’s a laxative found in home enema kits. Without it the only way you could rid your bowels of the tacos you had for lunch would be with an incredibly invasive 14-hour rectal surgery.
We wrote all of this not knowing whether of not Taco Bell was an advertiser on our site. We still don’t know. But just in case they are, we would like to suggest to you, the loyal Holy Taco reader, that you sew a second mouth on to your asshole so you can enjoy the wonderful foods of Taco Bell at the same time, from both ends
http://www.holytaco.com/a-breakdown-of-the-ingredients-in-taco-bell’s-taco-beef/ (http://www.holytaco.com/a-breakdown-of-the-ingredients-in-taco-bell’s-taco-beef/)
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FDD~
and I love Taco Bell.. but now I think I might just stick to the chicken things.. LOL
savory gelatinous beef water..... LOL
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FDD~
and I love Taco Bell.. but now I think I might just stick to the chicken things.. LOL
savory gelatinous beef water..... LOL
~lmao
well...i've known for years what it is....and eat it anyways ;D
ish a baaaadddddd baaaaaaaaaddddddd girl
yup yup yup
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-posts this cuz it was forwarded to me and I found it too funny not to pass on..............And runs like hell from Rags when he reads it-
Do you know what the difference between cheerios and the Pittsburgh Steelers are?
Cheerios belong in a bowl.
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-posts this cuz it was forwarded to me and I found it too funny not to pass on..............And runs like hell from Rags when he reads it-
Do you know what the difference between cheerios and the Pittsburgh Steelers are?
Cheerios belong in a bowl.
You do, of course, realise you are dead meat, yes?
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I have no idea what you are talking about Rags. :-* ::)
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PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several...dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
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-bol- Thank you, I needed that this morning.
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LMTAO
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.THE DEBUTANTE BALL...
A U.S. Navy cruiser anchors off Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
Dear Captain,
...Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews, please.
Sending a written message by his yeoman, the captain replied:
Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD are in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Caltech. Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina.
We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"Impossible, Madam," said the first officer.
"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
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Humor
This story deals with a rather old fashioned lady, who was planning a couple of weeks vacation in Florida. She also was quite delicate and elegant with her language. She wrote a letter to a particular campground and asked for reservations. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn't know quite how to ask about the "toilet" facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom Commode," but when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again; rewrote the entire letter and referred to the Bathroom Commode" simply as the "B.C.". Does the campground have its own "B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he couldn't figure out what the lady was talking about. That "B.C." really stumped him. After worrying about it for several days, he showed the letter to other campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. The campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady was and must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church. So he sat down and wrote the following reply: "Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure of informing you that the "B.C." is located nine miles north of the camp site and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along, and make a day of it..... They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats.....They plan to hold the supper in the middle of the B.C., so everyone can watch and talk about this great event.....I would like to say it pains me very much, not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not for lack of desire on my part....As we grow older, it seems to be more and more of an effort, particularly in cold weather..... If you decide to come down to the campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go...sit with you...and introduce you to all the other folks..... This is really a very friendly community.....
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Egawds x 2
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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
Ill never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
Moral:
Never, Never, Never Be Late
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BOLMTAO
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Female flight crew
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the
G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency
exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain,
Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old Master Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear
her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the
captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know
what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We no longer call
it the cockpit'
'It's the Box Office.'
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LMTAO
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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
WHO WANTS THE BED NEXT TO MINE? :
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-lmao-
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AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
(I dunno if it is indeed a real ad, but I sure would love it if I found this on Craigs List)
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I hope its real. That is just perfect. lol
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OUTSTANDING!!!
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Proof that Men Have Better Friends...
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
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ROTFLMTAO!!!
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A CATHOLIC NUN GRADING PAPERS
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN , THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN..
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
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-bol-
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crackin' the heck up!
love #12... anyone who has tried to bathe a little boy would...
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JDL
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DISORDER IN THE COURT....
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts , and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work..
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
ATTORNEY: What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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those were good thank you for sharing.... leaves hug and kisses.
da flame
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-jfdl and is rolling- ohhhhh thank you for sharing.
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LMTAO!!!
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STUFF I LEARNED IN TEXAS
-Aggravated – Used to describe everything from mild annoyance to dangerous, murderous rage.
-Conniption – A fit, getting all worked up over something. Example: That child was having a conniption! Someone needed to tan his hide.
-Looker – An attractive person. Example: “Wow! She’s a looker!”
...-Beat You Like a Rented Mule – Obviously you don’t want this to happen.
-Whole Nuther Thing – Something else entirely. Usually used to denote another story there isn’t time to relate. Example: I was down at the grocery store when I ran into my neighbor. He’s got this annoying dog, but that’s a whole nuther thing…”
-Plum Wore Out – Fatigued, exhausted; also sometimes used for “worn out” machinery, etc. Example: “After a long hard day I’m plum wore out.”
-All Hat and No Cattle – All show and no go… all talk and no action.
-This Ain’t My First Rodeo – I wasn’t born yesterday. I’ve been around a while. Experienced.
-If it was a snake it’d have jumped up and bit ya – An item “hidden” in plain sight.
If you aren’t the brightest bulb in the drawer you might get called:
-Dumber than dirt
-Dumb as a box of rocks
-Dumb as a box of hammers
-Not the sharpest tool in the shed
If you can’t be trusted you might be:
-Crooked as a dog’s hind leg
-Crooked as a barrel of snakes
If you’re attractive you might be:
-Cute as a possum.
-There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
-It’s so hot, the trees are bribing the dogs.
-Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back in.
-If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
-If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
-Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
-If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
-Don’t squat with your spurs on.
-It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep
-Always drink upstream from the herd.
-Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Finally, you never have to ask a man if he’s from Texas. If he is, he’ll tell you on his own. If he ain’t, well, there’s no need to embarrass him.
1. Pull up yer britches.
2. I’ll see you in the mornin’ if the Lord is willin’and the creek don’t rise.
3. Even a blind pig’ll find an acorn every once in a while! (anyone can get lucky) -also- Even a broke clock is right twice a day.
4. That dog won’t hunt! (unacceptable)
5. Titty baby (spoiled, coddled, or acting immature)
6. Who goes thar? Friend or Foe? (addressing an uninvited visitor)
7. Reach in the icebox and brang me a Coke. -What kind dýa want? -Red {fruit punch, strawberry, cherry, etc. fizzy beverage}.
(Using colors to indicate flavor also works with kool-aid). ie) Momma said what kinda Kool-Aid dya want with supper? -Red
But the most common words are FIXIN TO and YALL so to those Texas out there be proud of our Texan Slaging.
-I’m fixin’ to tell you a little Texas secret: I was brought up not saying “fixin’ to.” My maternal grandfather came from a family of “preachers and teachers.” He brought my mother up to speak properly, grammatically and correctly. He was very strict.
-We did not say “fixin’ to” at my house. In fact, I did not even have a Texas accent until I was 10 and decided to talk like my friends at school. Sad but true.
So when I went up to East Texas to go to college, it was a full four years before I found myself, one fine May day, telling someone I was “fixin’ to go class.” As we used to say in those days, I about swallowed my teeth.
-In case you are unfamiliar with the phrase, “fixing to,” pronounced “fixin’ to,” is kind of interesting. It means “getting ready to” or “about to” do something.
I wonder if it is possibly a parallel usage to the Spanish “acaba de” which means exactly the same thing. At least that may be why the use of “fixin’ to” lingers here in Texas. It just sounds right to lots of Texans.
I’m not sure about anywhere else, though. But I’m fixin’ to find out.
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i found this and HAD to share~
A SQUIRREL STORY...
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect ...
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to... a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it - it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, “Bonzai!” or maybe, “Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!” The leap was nothing short of spectacular ...as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH ! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities.
He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.
I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody’s tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle .... my brain was just simply overloaded.
I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however.
The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel’s tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.
By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ... so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren’t mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody’s front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver’s seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to “let the professionals handle it” anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me, shooting me the finger ... That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And some Band-Aids.
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ROTFPMPLMFTAO!!!
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-holds my sides in laughter and tries to catch my breath......unsucessfully- ohgods...lure that is just too good!
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jmfdlfotflmtao.............yea. best to let the professionals handle that one. -snickers like mad-...ty for sharing that.
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1. I’ll see you in the mornin’ if the Lord is willin’and the creek don’t rise.
3. Even a blind pig’ll find an acorn every once in a while! (anyone can get lucky) -also- Even a broke clock is right twice a day.
4. That dog won’t hunt! (unacceptable)
5. Titty baby (spoiled, coddled, or acting immature)
These phrases are commonly used in Oklahoma as well.
The whole thing made me laugh for some reason.
Maybe cuz I was born in Texas? shhhh don't tell no one!
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I use phrases of that type all the time. LOL
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Thought you might like this.
1 - Open Google Maps (click the link for get directions )
2 - Type China as your starting point
3 - Type Taiwan as your destination.
4 - Read step 48
5 - Enjoy!
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Step 48 is no problem. I thought everyone had cars that functioned as hovercrafts.
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BREAKING NEWS:
The Pity Train has derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get Over It. Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-waaa . This is Dr. Sniffle reporting LIVE from Quitchacomplaining.
::) ;D
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LOL
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Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . Bob has been missing since Friday...
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lmao!!
;D ;D ;D
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LMTAO
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LOL awesome.
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A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist said "Lord have mercy! That's against the law! Absolutely not!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
------
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand. He nervously asks, "Is this your husband?" "No, silly," she replies. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says. "Is it your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. She whispers in his ear, "That's me before the surgery!"
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LMTAO... then groans.
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One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:
"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in South Carolina and this weather is just like a typical June day." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.
When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the South Carolinian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot July day in South Carolina. I'm coping it just fine."
Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the South Carolinian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.
"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Panthers have finally won the Super Bowl! The Panthers have won the Super Bowl!"
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't f*ck with Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
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those were cute i needed a laugh.. thanks for sharing ...
da flame
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I loved those! -bol-
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LOL
Aunt Marge... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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So how bad is the economy really doing, you ask?
Women are having sex with their husbands/boyfriends because they can't afford batteries.
Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
My ATM gave me an IOU!
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
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When you hear these comments don't assume their positive sound is all they indend to be. Backhanded comments really are a kicker.
"That dress is lovely; it does wonders for your figure."
"You're smarter than you look."
"You drive very well, for a woman."
"Your son is more handsome than I would have expected."
"You are attractive, for your age."
"You're actually kinda cute now that I've gotten to know you."
"You're not as heavy as people think you are."
"I don't care what anyone says about you, I think you are a fabulous person!"
"You're so smart, for an American."
"You don't sweat that much for a fat girl!"
"I'm amazed by the level of success readers have after following your advice."
"Your plastic surgeon has such a delightful sense of humor!"
"Relax, sweetie... you were perfectly adequate."
"You're more of a "street smart" kind of guy."
"You're not the kind of girl guys date; you're the kind of girl they marry."
"You're so evolved…for a man."
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A local newspaper recently asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: is both stupid and an asshole.
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OMG!! -jfdl- I love them!
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*Facepalms*
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The following Alzheimers test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line out loud without a single mistake.
The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
;D ;D ;D
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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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-lmao- oh that first is so evil, I love it!!
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And a good wife is an EX-WIFE!!!
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Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
He has less going on upstairs than a one story house.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
24 cents short of a quarter.
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LOL
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orrrrrrrrrrrr... their stupid button is stuck on..... ::)
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The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists 1.The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.
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LOL
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A man, told his wife, "When I die, I want all my money put it my casket. I wanna take my money with me." She promised she would. The man died and at the funeral, her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." "I sure did," the wife said. The friend, in shock, said "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check!
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Sounds like something a woman would do. lol.
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Sounds like something a woman would do. lol.
Yuppers... cause dey is EBIL!!!
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72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?" "OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
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JDL
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JDL
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Sounds like something a woman would do. lol.
Yuppers... cause dey is EBIL!!!
replace ebil with smart, and i'll agree fully Bro. LOL
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Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-----------
A very pregnant lady get's on a bus.She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again, the man was even more amused. Then on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing! The lady finally complained to the driver, so he had the man arrested. When then case came up in court, the judge asked the young man what he had to say for himself? The man replied, "Well your Honor,it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. Then she sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" & I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. "Then sitting herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. "But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time,and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident" I just lost it."
-------
2 friends marry at the same time. The 1st man tells his wife she's to cook & clean. Next day he sees his house is clean and his dinner's on the table. The 2nd man marries a southern girl & he orders her to do the same. The 1st day he doesn't see anything, the 2nd day he doesn't see anything either but by the 3rd day, some of the swelling has gone down and he can see just enough out of his left eye that he can fix himself a sandwich & load the dishwasher.
-
ROTFLMTAO
-
Sounds like something a woman would do. lol.
Yuppers... cause dey is EBIL!!!
replace ebil with smart, and i'll agree fully Bro. LOL
can't we just ADD it? woobies is smart and ebil.. LOL
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
-
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"
-
-jdl-
-
LMTAO
-
Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
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-bol- oh thank you for sharing!!
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Hehe......has had wayyy too much candy
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Stripper Pole FAIL! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=jkWiB_3i7lY)
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Stripper Pole FAIL! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=jkWiB_3i7lY)
"Instant Asshole"
Just add alcohol.
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so true, it's scary!
(http://www.vixenrose.com/hosting/files/235/lolwomen.jpg)
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A female officer pulls over a man for drunk driving and places him under arrest.
"You're under arrest, anything you say can and will be held against you."
Drunk feller says,
"Titties!"
**************************************
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v391/quarterfriend/8lbbag.jpg)
**************************************
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v391/quarterfriend/cantalwaysgetwhatyouwant.jpg)
**************************************
Children Are Quick
**____________________________________
*
*TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
--------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
**MARIA: Here it is.
**TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
**CLASS: Maria..
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication
on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without
using tables. __________________________________________
**TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
**GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
**TEACHER: No, that's wrong
**GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I
spell it. **(I Love this child)
**____________________________________________
**TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
**DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
**TEACHER: What are you talking about?
**DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than
you are.
_______________________________________
**TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with '
I. '
**MILLIE: I is..
**TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
**MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of
the alphabet.'
________________________________
**TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
**LOUIS: Because George still
had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________ TEACHER: Now,
Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good
cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is
exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
**__________________________________
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BOLMTAO
-
-jdl-
-
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say
What an excellent product You have.
I've used it all of my married life,
As my Mom always told me
It was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine
On my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband
Started to belittle
Me about how clumsy I was,
And generally started becoming
A pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow
I ended up with his blood
On my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle
Of Tide with bleach alternative,
To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out
So well the detectives
Who came by yesterday
Told me that the DNA tests
On my blouse were negative
And then my attorney called
And said that I was no longer considered a suspect in
The disappearance of my husband.
What a relief!
Going through menopause
Is bad enough
Without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again,
For having a great product.
Well, gotta go,
Have to write to
The Hefty bag people.
-
*Quadruple facepalm*
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
-
Toilet Paper Miracle.. *G*
Fresh from her shower, the wife stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small.
Instead of telling her it's not so, the way he usually did, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, the wife got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replied.
She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he said, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man.
-
so true, it's scary!
(http://www.vixenrose.com/hosting/files/235/lolwomen.jpg)
LMFAO!!!! This is OUR house!! But the genders are reversed.. *wipes cheeks.*.. loves you mini-me
-
LMTAO
-
-lmao-
-
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
-
Egawds....
:D :D :D :D :D
-
Drops this off and ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnsssss.................
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx1XIm6q4r4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx1XIm6q4r4)
-
-dies laughin-..ty soooo needed a laugh.
-
A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden,
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.
He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?..
''Yes," was his incredulous reply..
She answered,. 'Well, today I didn't do it. :)
-
-lmao-!!!!!
-
In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear
In my next life I want to be a bear.
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. He KNOWS not to get between you and the food.
Yup..... Gonna be a bear.
hehehehhe!!!!
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*Chuckles*
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Ferret: Chaos with fur, claws and an odd smell.
-
thought for the day...
I'm not sayin' kill all the stupid people. I'm just sayin' let's remove all warning labels and let things sort themselves out."
LOL
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hellyeah! -grinslots-
-
The absolutely most horrifying thought:
http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/kiah/pbw.jpg (http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/kiah/pbw.jpg)
Happy Halloween! :P
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-bol-
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:D :D :D
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A Steelers fan, a Browns fan, and a Bengals fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most. The Browns fan insists that he is the most loyal and then yells, "This is for the Browns!" and jumps off the mountain. Not to be out done, the Bengals fan next professes his love for his team. He screams, "This is for the Who Dey Nation!" and pushes the Steelers fan off the mountain.
"runs and takes cover......sorry Rags, I couldn't help myself.
Glad to hear you are home and doing better.
-
A Steelers fan, a Browns fan, and a Bengals fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most. The Browns fan insists that he is the most loyal and then yells, "This is for the Browns!" and jumps off the mountain. Not to be out done, the Bengals fan next professes his love for his team. He screams, "This is for the Who Dey Nation!" and pushes the Steelers fan off the mountain.
"runs and takes cover......sorry Rags, I couldn't help myself.
Glad to hear you are home and doing better.
SWAT!!!
:D ;) :-*
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"sneaks in and looks around before leaving a message for Rags".....WHO DEY!
-
Lets play Slinky. Stand on this top step okies....
:-*
-
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p480x480/1237550_10151894926644432_105570909_n.jpg)
I tried to be good....I really did.....but that bad voice just keeps saying..."go ahead and do it" "Walks to the top step and waits to play slinky with Rags."
-
"SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS."
*SHOVE!!!*
*Smiles*
:D ;) :-* :-*
-
Don't think I like playing Slinky very well.
-
JDL
*Huggers*
:-* :-* :-*
-
And after tonight, I think the Steelers will be Owen-3 when the Bears beat them.
*evades the stairs before Ragnar clocks me*
-
http://themetapicture.com/things-are-somehow-different-in-canada/
-
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/1660814_708009825888847_2043062712_n.jpg)
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Naw... that is just NightStorm rubbing off on you!!!
JDL
-
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife, "Don't Ernest!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
-
Gee... that seems to be prophetic. LOL
-
-Reminds me of the Ubaba-
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
-
LOL Just before she has Mongo slit his throat, take his valuables, and cover him up in the hole...
-
(http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/ae/2f/c4/ae2fc478c7928ff5fdfd3416c3fef6e6.jpg)
-
LOL
-
ain't that the truth!?!!
-
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. They hear about a bull for sale in Abilene and decide the brunette sister will drive out to check out the animal. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram telling my sister that I've bought a bull and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just $.99 a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slowly: com - for - da - bul."
-
JDL
-
http://www.break.com/video/butts-cartoon-2612345
-
Good Lord -rubs face- You're weird, Fishy.
-
Good Lord -rubs face- You're weird, Fishy.
But you lurves meeeeeeeee!
-
nope, nope, nope...
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/brat/nope_pizza.jpg)
-
JDL!!!!!
-
http://www.break.com/video/butts-cartoon-2612345
you just ain't right.....*facepalms*
-
Okay.. It isn't funny.. but it gave me a holy shit moment before I realized that yeah.. this is the internet...
http://www.wimp.com/barehand/ (http://www.wimp.com/barehand/)
-
"... keep it on the field..."
"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!"
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
-
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/unexpected-places-to-find-satan
-
Oh you are so wrong Fishy!! -lmao-
Guess I am too for finding those funny....
-
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=692959944089382 (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=692959944089382)
This would be ...me... LMAO!!!
(not my page but the video is hilarious)
-
Yuppers... dats my woobie!!!
Now I understand the dents in the fridge... the lack of ice... the chain on my chainsaw... the plunger in the kitchen... all the smashed boxes... the fishing pole in the closet... the umbrella on the doorknob......................
-
JDL!! Oh...OH! I so know how that feels! I love it!!
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/t1.0-9/10314582_545747168881008_7146283720864727228_n.jpg)
-
That explains Panthers and Talunas.
-
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
-
Rags: WOOB!!! GO GET MY SUPPER!!!!!
::)
-
my reaction to this thread:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKm5xQyD2vE - Muttley Laugh
(am I aging myself here?)
-
my reaction to this thread:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKm5xQyD2vE - Muttley Laugh
(am I aging myself here?)
MMMmmmmmyup...
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Found on the Twitters today:
"If you do not pay your exorcist, you might get repossessed."
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Boooooooooo hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssss
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President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"
Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
-
President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"
Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
YOU GOT THAT SHIT RIGHT!!!!!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D
;D ;D
;D
-
Along those lines, I just came up with one:
Q. How many senators does it take to change a lightbulb
A. None. Harry Reid will not let that bill come to the Senate Floor
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/t1.0-9/p320x320/10357584_10152558530268396_6135374783554297295_n.jpg)
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LOL
But what does it really matter?
They could steal the bulbs and change them anyway... not like Holder would look into it or anything.
>:( >:( >:( >:( >:(
>:( >:( >:( >:(
>:( >:( >:(
>:( >:(
>:(
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10603408_1035893649773421_1875568171662146460_n.jpg?oh=908f29dc613cfc6143f30884f190343a&oe=5463FFA4&__gda__=1416166350_04eaf247b171316c116bf1daa754855d)
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ROTFLMAO!!!!!
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10603408_1035893649773421_1875568171662146460_n.jpg?oh=908f29dc613cfc6143f30884f190343a&oe=5463FFA4&__gda__=1416166350_04eaf247b171316c116bf1daa754855d)
now why does this remind me of woobie....
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Woobie AND Lilac!!!
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Found this on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/bluehost/status/507634491003658240
To whoever took my Microsoft Office: I will find you.
You have my Word.
-
*Saly shakes my head...* :o
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Something I think Rags would enjoy, as he is old fashioned:
[My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week’s vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation she finally came up with the old-fashioned term “bathroom commode.” But when she wrote that down, she still felt that she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. “Does the campground have its own B.C.?” is what she finally wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but no one could imagine what the lady meant, either. He knew that the Joe-kster lived in British Columbia, but that wasn’t what the lady was referring to. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply...]
Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to learn that a great number of our people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. If you don’t start early, you probably will not make it in time. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They’re going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community!”
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/v/t1.0-9/10606132_594644043977404_679553637614498030_n.jpg?oh=56cb5f45d208c9be8b492f890c267e85&oe=549C47D8&__gda__=1419064033_6e1ddcfe05bca1af18fc64801f9f755e)
LOOK!!! It's a WOOBIE HOUSE! It has a tower even! It's purple.. It's beautiful.. *wiggles*
-
Ummm .... Woobie... That's my house, I found it first. In fact, it's located in Milford, Delaware and you seriously need to see it in person to really take in every detail. They do a haunted house every year for the kids, as well as the adults.
-
Something I think Rags would enjoy, as he is old fashioned:
[My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week’s vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation she finally came up with the old-fashioned term “bathroom commode.” But when she wrote that down, she still felt that she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. “Does the campground have its own B.C.?” is what she finally wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but no one could imagine what the lady meant, either. He knew that the Joe-kster lived in British Columbia, but that wasn’t what the lady was referring to. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply...]
Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to learn that a great number of our people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. If you don’t start early, you probably will not make it in time. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They’re going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community!”
LMTAO!!!!!
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/v/t1.0-9/10606132_594644043977404_679553637614498030_n.jpg?oh=56cb5f45d208c9be8b492f890c267e85&oe=549C47D8&__gda__=1419064033_6e1ddcfe05bca1af18fc64801f9f755e)
LOOK!!! It's a WOOBIE HOUSE! It has a tower even! It's purple.. It's beautiful.. *wiggles*
*Groans*
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/v/t1.0-9/10606132_594644043977404_679553637614498030_n.jpg?oh=56cb5f45d208c9be8b492f890c267e85&oe=549C47D8&__gda__=1419064033_6e1ddcfe05bca1af18fc64801f9f755e)
LOOK!!! It's a WOOBIE HOUSE! It has a tower even! It's purple.. It's beautiful.. *wiggles*
*Groans*
there's even room for me! -starts making plans-
-
*Relocates to the garage.*
-
-tacks this up, no explanation given-
http://www.movoto.com/blog/opinions/oklahoma-say/ (http://www.movoto.com/blog/opinions/oklahoma-say/)
-
*Relocates to the garage.*
Is all right, Ragnar. you can always come to Florida. *grinz* Might do your ticker some good to have a change of scenery
-
-tacks this up, no explanation given-
http://www.movoto.com/blog/opinions/oklahoma-say/ (http://www.movoto.com/blog/opinions/oklahoma-say/)
I reckon it don't sound so odd to me...
-
*Relocates to the garage.*
Is all right, Ragnar. you can always come to Florida. *grinz* Might do your ticker some good to have a change of scenery
Why would I wanna relocate to little Cuba? I'm already in Little Salvadore...
::)
-
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10592842_10153314862920400_7934986813788166584_n.png?oh=3fa9868d7d01aca2bf53d4ade21c55d1&oe=549C03F5)
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(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10592842_10153314862920400_7934986813788166584_n.png?oh=3fa9868d7d01aca2bf53d4ade21c55d1&oe=549C03F5)
At that moment, my first concern would be do I have enough time to get payback... and how many I can settle up with after that.
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(https://scontent-a-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10613077_10153161781589062_86765757316830665_n.jpg?oh=bb87421724e7b021e4cd081ad064000a&oe=54894977)
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Check out the names of the horses in this video. PRICELESS!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUnlHzjcBGY
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(https://scontent-a-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10613077_10153161781589062_86765757316830665_n.jpg?oh=bb87421724e7b021e4cd081ad064000a&oe=54894977)
I LIKE!!!!! ;D
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Check out the names of the horses in this video. PRICELESS!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUnlHzjcBGY
ROTFLMTAO!!!!!
-
A little something I found on Facebook
GENDER GEOGRAPHY
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran,
ruled by nuts.
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*LOL* ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
:-X
-
A husband and wife are shopping in their local HEB. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
-
SCORE!!!!!
-
lol
-
...Picks up a metal basin...and conks you hard on the head... ;D ;D ;D
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The rest of that that woobie posted says ...and that's him laying in aisle 7 waiting for clean up or medical which ever arrives first lol
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first there is this...
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/brat/always_family.jpg)
and then this follows....
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/brat/normal_family.jpg)
It is Tuchuk, Afterall!
-
LOL
-
Only 45 days until Christmas!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Only 45 days until Christmas!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Izee??!!!!! Get your basin. Kiah needs some immediate medical attention!!!!!
-
ONLY 728 MORE DAYS UNTIL WE ELECT A NEW PRESIDENT!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
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Cannot come soon enough!!!!!
-
In case you hadn't seen it yet.(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1454598_627075040734304_5229592475328573254_n.jpg?oh=7a1cf919f75e8f05def4f5001779eb51&oe=54E8DF7C&__gda__=1424009661_9d1bfacb30f8b54d4afa136815976f0e)
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LOL
Dats my duckie!!!!!
-
OMG duckie, I love it!!!
-
in truth I was thinking this was more for woobie then me... *grins and scrams before she can catch me or peg larmas off my noggin.. lol **
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*Facepalms and looks for my helmet and shield*
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(https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1908443_662289323883700_6460802701768704080_n.jpg?oh=9e3ec01efc4a0c6e3a2ab9e4864dbc04&oe=551F3517)
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No shit.
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(https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1908443_662289323883700_6460802701768704080_n.jpg?oh=9e3ec01efc4a0c6e3a2ab9e4864dbc04&oe=551F3517)
Danger Urtess likes this...*G*
http://img.brainjet.com/slides/1/4/0/8/0/8/1408089587/f1500915bc8e1bae8d612cc08dff8ae7783cb3b1.jpeg
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LOL
-
Farmhand: Hello, tech support? I would like to report a farmer in the Dell
Tech support: Is this a prank?
Farmhand: No. he really is IN THE DELL
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/1233483_594791997225526_702599484_n.jpg?oh=a4ae539a10ce016a90e37cef45fff7ca&oe=55171A79&__gda__=1424218122_5360d32bcf6d42e5cf1467802e3bc445)
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LOL
-
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10153910_392855340869955_5814405660276458526_n.jpg?oh=96a46729559b68f60d92557b7f046cbd&oe=54DD9F59)
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Hmph...
females.
-
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10153910_392855340869955_5814405660276458526_n.jpg?oh=96a46729559b68f60d92557b7f046cbd&oe=54DD9F59)
Danger Urtess likes this...*G*
http://img.brainjet.com/slides/1/4/0/8/0/8/1408089587/f1500915bc8e1bae8d612cc08dff8ae7783cb3b1.jpeg
-
(http://gallery.fishys-place.com/coppermine/albums/userpics/10001/1441496_764853126862944_2062354675_n.jpg)
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(http://gallery.fishys-place.com/coppermine/albums/userpics/10001/1441496_764853126862944_2062354675_n.jpg)
Woobie... how could you......... :'(
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Enjoy!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bua18A09xfQ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bua18A09xfQ)
-
Heh heh heh...
-
I am a very PUNny guy.
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/1013776_741090435931363_91099889_n.jpg?oh=a5fd5e9674ddfff7a8236453238fc30d&oe=550CA399&__gda__=1423257060_5048c86bd4ac5526ecba897e793ae708)
Here is one I came up with back in 1994: "Bowling is right up my alley, but I just have one problem. My mind is always in the gutter."
-
*Groans*
LOL
-
you do not like my warped sense of humor Rags?
I could always roll out the Thanksgiving and Christmas youtubes I showed you last year?
*grinz*
-
First world Bear Problems
(http://i.imgur.com/5eUtb1X.jpg)
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Seasons Greetings
(https://scontent-b-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/1499442_460807730690197_1841469831_n.jpg?oh=e8d64dd65f095ed1a4ca8fa00a57303d&oe=54FB2EC3)
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*Facepalms*
;D
-
(http://m.memegen.com/ln13sb.jpg)
Sometimes... It needs to be screamed at someone with a mean look on your face -nods solemnly-
-
(http://m.memegen.com/ln13sb.jpg)
Sometimes... It needs to be screamed at someone with a mean look on your face -nods solemnly-
this should be every Tuchuk FW's motto from now on.
-
Whoa.... no face fucking that one!!!!! :o
-
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven..
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any Entrance Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St.Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
Lord, give me a sense of humor.
Give me the ability to appreciate a clean joke, to get some humor out of life, and to pass it on to other folks!
-
JDL!!!!!
-
(https://scontent-b-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/14298_10151136055168458_1951873463_n.jpg?oh=7829f6e4d548a4f8c7d1863148c5e7e4&oe=551D7980)
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Man.. Someone always ruins it for the rest of us.
-
Man.. Someone always ruins it for the rest of us.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B4B-NGkCQAAv5mL.jpg)
-
Tuchuk Women are pros with whips.
-
Here's your sign!
(https://scontent-a-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/p235x350/1964938_811857188860305_4191466897784520402_n.jpg?oh=e837008a0bef9e7f3f72ce178277c1c5&oe=550E720A)
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ROTFLMTAO!!!!!
-
(https://scontent-b-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10501706_10205280099511051_5274756808012024840_n.jpg?oh=8d8d415c2555b7f1da810a290c255acf&oe=5545D208)
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:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
:o :o :o :o :o :o
:o :o :o :o
:o :o
So wrong on so many levels...
I like it!!!!!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Anyone up for a little yambag yahtzee?
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/1510707_390885734390383_1893529837_n.jpg?oh=aec286c962d25c376d88f4f9fd299be1&oe=550C8E62&__gda__=1426774733_659e2f8e52eff9207f9014abf9ac70be)
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Egawds...
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(https://scontent-a-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/s350x350/1510407_829788670383921_625473221_n.jpg?oh=22fbaf49f819ec6fff61999e04fc4bb2&oe=55442346)
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Hey... I resemble that remark!!!!! :o
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JDL!!
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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
Danger Urtess likes this
http://img.brainjet.com/slides/1/4/0/8/0/8/1408089587/f1500915bc8e1bae8d612cc08dff8ae7783cb3b1.jpeg
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I soooooooooooo love it Amber!
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Gee... who knew...... :-\
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This is SSSSOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOooooo Rags!!!
*runs and hides*
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/1940023_10152627761104265_5783126405483496945_n.jpg?oh=685a7c2eaae60a3dbbb3bdc1fb94e344&oe=550FBAE2&__gda__=1426486235_6b43668f73427ab60072f44ad89b7ccd)
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Hey... sometimes nothin beats a good soak. ;D
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(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/s851x315/392689_10151337813751314_191776280_n.jpg?oh=a88222cf3e2903531792a7dae59db31f&oe=54FDED36)
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(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/s851x315/392689_10151337813751314_191776280_n.jpg?oh=a88222cf3e2903531792a7dae59db31f&oe=54FDED36)
SCORE!!!!!
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/526260_10151111869466314_1477339411_n.jpg?oh=f5419a581e25769184524b457ac561e7&oe=553ECE02&__gda__=1430597513_ed4e60534386b10f574929004bb068d0)
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LOL
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/p480x480/10885315_10152897665033810_8483525279004033016_n.jpg?oh=7300097a78f61591516c83ae019184af&oe=5536782A&__gda__=1426092433_2af8ebfbc50ca57bb38a3f3e3baccea6)
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LMTAO
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10891447_891052780934904_2448054925354980027_n.jpg?oh=fa452f6d1841f63975aa066e912e37f6&oe=552B299B&__gda__=1428558883_9193193166c822664306e3afbff8f610)
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10891793_888612034512312_2687756711014141950_n.jpg?oh=41f352a75f5c827c4de558eeeef7cf0c&oe=552F797C&__gda__=1429542645_a2a44f059ef6e361c326661442af3767)
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Ya got that shit right!!!!! ;D
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Going with a little football here.
(https://scontent-b-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/p320x320/10934046_10104168130001095_258105366870960220_n.jpg?oh=77c524c25d9a3a13ed2b362157ac7aff&oe=552C7BE4)
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Another football laugher
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/1544399_10153565662234478_6383647187467847053_n.jpg?oh=1a930aa08b8aacc86af25b9b7015f55b&oe=552BA38A&__gda__=1428278863_af24f89099bfc1e28acd89d096337b05)
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Show both of them the pasture.
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For woobie
(https://scontent-a-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/s280x280/10603646_1092601380769314_953787100643470388_n.jpg?oh=247f91eff8fdf968e19b588de67c297e&oe=552270D8)
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Me.. Most days.
(https://scontent-a-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/1969145_750743935017092_4137778731653025521_n.jpg?oh=b8f5c71887df75f5acb71ff47444b2df&oe=555ED4BA)
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LMTAO!!!!!
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HA!!! I love it Amber!
Cause yeah....I know the feeling well!
-
By any chance can you see Raziel doing this... and yes, we knew this guy...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=8XFBUM8dMqw
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Ummm.... nope. My True doesn't have that much energy these days.
:o
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Not only are their balls deflated but #NewEnglandPatriots also have shrunken heads!
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B7zT4o3IgAAsya_.jpg)
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;D
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10592988_10204369630031434_2775308071582936485_n.jpg?oh=8c30d80076195acf68a52c616969ad29&oe=5564F990&__gda__=1429019517_766e0e7d8e37551af5290c3040bf26d6)
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every ten seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' Were bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ***hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.....
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.... We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however..... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too..... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave or to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists..... The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million hacked off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50.... in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhh my goodness!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
-
Where do I sign up?
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Ragnar, you do not look a day over 23!
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You get a medical deferment for piss poor eyesight bro!!!!!
;D ;D ;D
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Because I can't stop watching bad lip readings lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTRmyXX6ipU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTRmyXX6ipU)
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Those just crack me da f**k up!!!!!
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Because up to 34" is predicted for my area....
(http://www.rottenecards.com/ecards/rottenecard_31127553_6z5d3phppz.png)
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Gawds, how I can relate to that!!!!!
>:( >:( >:( >:( >:(
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kiah, I don't think there is enough likes or thumbs up for that one! ;D
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You hit it out of the park, kiah! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Because up to 34" is predicted for my area....
(http://www.rottenecards.com/ecards/rottenecard_31127553_6z5d3phppz.png)
63 and clear here in beautiful SW FLA for now. Though it is supposed to get down to 49 tonight and 44 tomorrow night.
-
The Super Bowl has jumped the shark.
https://twitter.com/The_RHLP/status/562057304255000576
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That halftime sucked so bad, I actually have no words that could describe the suckage.
-
For Raz
(https://scontent-b-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10154419_508522072585723_7395843989102325293_n.jpg?oh=96510dfecd3bfc9b4a65df3bdaafd185&oe=556CFB44)
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JDL!!!!!
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New excuse for not performing well: glute deactivation
Money paragraph: ""It's just my glutes are shutting off," Woods told a makeshift media scrum in the parking lot as he packed up early at Torrey Pines. The first round was delayed more than two hours due to fog in the area, and after a couple false starts, Woods said, in essence, his butt got stiff. "Then they don't activate and then, hence, it goes into my lower back. So, I tried to activate my glutes as best I could, in between, but they never stayed activated.""
http://www.sbnation.com/golf/2015/2/5/7989531/tiger-woods-deactivated-glutes-farmers-insurance-open-injury
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(http://images1.tickld.com/live/articles/a_1322_20150214130708.jpg)
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Heh...
Shoot Fred and take the bike.
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BOL
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(https://scontent-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/10959382_10153558087032004_3554071791585147225_n.jpg?oh=cfefb57ed7dd269b6a7359a0ee964f56&oe=55551E46)
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JFDL!!!!!
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I think I found Ragnar's kitchen
(https://scontent-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/549941_10151506115885169_1260193304_n.png?oh=5c29e49b06874143c887c9d0cdc534a2&oe=5593BBE9)
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Works for me!!!!!
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See Rags! I told Ya!
http://crimefeed.com/2015/03/mystery-pooper/ (http://crimefeed.com/2015/03/mystery-pooper/)
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JDL!!!!!
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I just saw the first horny gopher
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/p480x480/10690012_10152726846061489_3895086122210856917_n.jpg?oh=4ef94e92d79143f73477bb0f887d1771&oe=55818AD7&__gda__=1433969601_62ee52b698994304a53f383a17545713)
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*Facepalms*
-
This stuff I run across on YouTube, this one takes the cake and is hilarious...
Howie Mandel's House is Toilet Papered (https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=OZScqcKFK_E)
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Heh...
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(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5u42utxkZ1qff36ao1_400.gif)
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(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5u42utxkZ1qff36ao1_400.gif)
There is just something about her that screams out to be beaten across the face with a bat.
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(https://scontent-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/10277346_698046623633607_162905812852104480_n.png?oh=f939fca998a9a1ea6c4e1966273ca541&oe=55B6EA8C)
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:o
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(https://scontent-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/1002028_460069430782116_1016006956_n.jpg?oh=d2784a63f3e745287a2d426389c07c0d&oe=55ABCD28)
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:o
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/p480x480/10606417_817083535056682_5058575151423401206_n.jpg?oh=5b16f418809099e59379441e449793d3&oe=55B100A5&__gda__=1438472216_ab10bed18ca29fe9fa4fa862f53649c0)
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*Dies* :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
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#OUCHTIME
Last night I was driving home and listening to a sports call-in program, carried by WGN in Chicago on SIRIUS.
People were calling in, very upset, about the goat's head that was sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.
Then some guy called in from Indiana and said,
"Why are you people so upset 'cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field?
Aren't you Chicagoans the same guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House?"
I had to pull over.
Origin Unknown
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ROTFLMFAOPMP!!!!!
The caller sure got that one right!!!!!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/p480x480/1978768_10152302807153708_1093179520_n.jpg?oh=4e3af28b5dabd25b5298d466f7a87068&oe=55E06215&__gda__=1437050261_025e797769df38a45a0178042c881810)
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/p370x247/11090317_1580890008817576_4785187702326524768_n.jpg?oh=50d0fb2df1eedfebbcd04993061a53ad&oe=55AF81FA&__gda__=1436120639_f75634bb6f99244c0657ac504c121a01)
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/p370x247/11090317_1580890008817576_4785187702326524768_n.jpg?oh=50d0fb2df1eedfebbcd04993061a53ad&oe=55AF81FA&__gda__=1436120639_f75634bb6f99244c0657ac504c121a01)
Aaaaaaaaaayup.....
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xft1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/10622937_696327643790988_2213902190472148038_n.jpg?oh=c7faa54e9ea9bade26cf55c8fd664ca8&oe=559977E5&__gda__=1440670711_3bfb9176f1681184378b83295205b158)
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LOL ;D
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(https://scontent-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/10308150_10152108921471198_9222308708149885330_n.jpg?oh=60a60518ee62c546e5b06dee8368f508&oe=55A23AD5)
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LOL ;D
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PERFECT sign for any Gor wagon Camp as well
(https://scontent-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/10003448_1032797726748055_431626919385573125_n.png?oh=8b953b35b7e692b0624912a670297587&oe=55D031B4)
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I LIKE!!!!!
LOL
-
So bad that I just HAD to share!
(https://scontent-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/p320x320/11060893_10153230045674730_8611667865061896198_n.jpg?oh=02125f66f19717e480e857cc72d046c4&oe=55D6D233)
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11010943_830559110347300_554508084939822647_n.jpg?oh=5eb109527378ea3a586555ed7a128102&oe=55DD78DB&__gda__=1439814682_cf7685753be9ef960aa77283ec2fddfa)
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So bad that I just HAD to share!
(https://scontent-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/p320x320/11060893_10153230045674730_8611667865061896198_n.jpg?oh=02125f66f19717e480e857cc72d046c4&oe=55D6D233)
INTO THE FRYING PAN!!!!!
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11010943_830559110347300_554508084939822647_n.jpg?oh=5eb109527378ea3a586555ed7a128102&oe=55DD78DB&__gda__=1439814682_cf7685753be9ef960aa77283ec2fddfa)
I am definitely in touch with that sentiment, but my 1st assault charge...? MMMMMmmmmmmmm I'll never tell.
-
So bad that I just HAD to share!
(https://scontent-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/p320x320/11060893_10153230045674730_8611667865061896198_n.jpg?oh=02125f66f19717e480e857cc72d046c4&oe=55D6D233)
INTO THE FRYING PAN!!!!!
My Husband had to explain this one to me...I have been working way too hard...*Embarassed Smile*
-
My Husband had to explain this one to me...I have been working way too hard...*Embarassed Smile*
Oh sis.... *facepalms*
-
For all you nerds out there:
(http://pretendcity.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/May4th.gif)
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*shakes head and reminds you to take your meds.*
-
In honor of Mexico's victory over the French in 1862
(https://scontent-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/14680_854315034655319_8267556876493440389_n.png?oh=a32f1a97f7a0c32489481bafca131d48&oe=55CB1098)
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JDL
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Alright... WHO TOOK MY BOSK?!?
(https://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/11107183_10204356254442494_7180674356928935751_n.jpg?oh=af9ee29fcc74ec994754434f887e44cf&oe=55CB0EA6)
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Alright... whoever took Salem's bosk, return it now.
As you can see, he is very upset and with migration upon us it is greatly needed.
-
*puts my knives away and whistles innocently while scooting away*
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In the immortal words of Bill Engvall, "Here's your sign"
(https://scontent-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/11064664_10153159135745169_2394333012434765504_n.jpg?oh=9a28b6d9347de086d2977dd6a2218071&oe=55D146E9)
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LOL
-
(https://scontent-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/10458542_834043219981149_3358904361731932431_n.png?oh=bd4fc3cda104e640371e42f921dfb7f9&oe=55DD6342)
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That is just wrong on so many levels...
-
(https://scontent-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/11218705_10153410025791802_6059825653500989054_n.jpg?oh=d8a43ee90a31e4a6005cc28c752a0cd5&oe=55C19E28)
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Just what we need....
-
#OuchTime
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8493090048/h83ABCB62/)
-
-snickers-
-
(https://scontent-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/p480x480/11182111_1037847976243584_8219462124969755400_n.jpg?oh=90e157093c247bf93db899cbe2e7cf65&oe=560651C1)
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Rick... please take your medication.
;D
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Beer & Colonoscopy
It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a colonoscopy
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.
His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer .
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said,
"Look Doc", I'm a little confused
This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
And I know what the glove is for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse,
"Damn it, Evelyn !!! I said a BUTT LIGHT !"
-
LMTAO!!!!!
-
(https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10931005_1259298437432940_4093464336660267432_n.jpg?oh=334dc0b124b874c78fa7b8cbadc168d9&oe=55C996B2)
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Selfie? LOL :-*
-
(https://scontent-atl1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/p280x280/10502233_1090716487623454_6176272012278490299_n.jpg?oh=effba80155d8fbb746e3fd4e113bdb03&oe=55F63498)
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:(
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-shows this to my daughter who just thought it was hilarious-
-
(https://scontent-atl1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/p370x247/10171135_10152364977115827_353377653898425319_n.jpg?oh=c5ce8e240a0c262a0f01fcd314a7e840&oe=5600135A)
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I so LOVE that story. I stop and read it every time. My other half is a marine so I have special love for it
-
SEMPER FI
-
-HUGE thumbs up on that image for the Marine-
-
(https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/11407044_497824990372989_3514903456729857181_n.jpg?oh=f1fae4225f885cfdbc478f24c37df46f&oe=5603B6A5)
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JDL!!!!!
-
(http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/ever-hear-of-the-movie-constipation.jpg)
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LOL
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’
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Heh heh heh...
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
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And guess who walked home.
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Have you seen this??? This guy got a divorce and in order to comply with the court gave his ex exactly what she asked for....HALF OF EVERYTHING!! The pictures are nuts!!
There's a video at of him doing the cutting the link: https://youtu.be/ZHLg_9DGbSg
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I like dat guy... *S*
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#OUCHTIME!
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
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Fight hell... just shoot her.
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A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Shoot them both.
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(https://scontent-lga1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/10409725_10152708487192261_3929069798628234547_n.jpg?oh=772c4ea9a96c97d5c95dca8ad76602a5&oe=56156C53)
Work...........this is for work!
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15 Year Old Boy Comes Home With A Porsche. This Is Gold.
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
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OWIES!!!!!
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In Trouble -- Again
Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the
guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined
a parachute club.
She said "are you nuts? You're 62 years old and you're going to start
jumping out of airplanes again?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a
membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five
jumps a week!
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Don't jump.
DIVE!!!!!
;D
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"Faith and begorrah,"
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah," said the castaway,"that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that ya've got golf clubs in there, too!
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Leave him on the island. There is no hope for him.
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Sex at 72
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 72.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 70.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't have to cross the road!
Life is good!!!!
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If he is that stupid, mail him some instructions as well. All pictures.
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I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids...
' A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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Epic fail.
Revoke his man-card and toss him some celery.
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Why Teachers DRINK
The following questions were set in last year's GED exam. THESE are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant) .
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
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Pour them another while these idiots are shot. THEN SHOOT THEIR PARENTS FOR BREEDING!!!!!
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read these to my daughter........ she just facepalmed and groaned..
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Only at Home Depot
Lou was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his sister, Diane, if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Diane agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Diane asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.”
Diane exclaimed, "My goodness that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Lou had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Diane paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot
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Save the hinge and the faucet, send her to the street to earn her keep.
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(http://img.pandawhale.com/post-37769-I-requested-minions-of-darknes-Mt2V.jpeg)
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but they are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute lol
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JDL
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Holy Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive... On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the! Bell . The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business.....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door.. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through
the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER
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Hey man, Semtex is your friend. ::)
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hahahahaaha ... *likes that one* ...
jade
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A Momentary Truce
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him, "Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low-life scum-bag who got what he deserved.
And he yelled back, "Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American."
So I said, "Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.
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Can't argue that... ???
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TAKE MY ASS TO JAIL
A Tennessee State trooper pulled a car over on I-24 about 2 miles east of the Alabama/Tennessee State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Chattanooga to do a show at the Shrine Circus & he didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling acts and told the driver if he would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got out 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good ol' boy from Alabama got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door & asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”
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Its a good thing!!!!! The drunk would have kicked the Trooper's ass and they would have found him beside the road the next day with three burnt out flares rammed up his ass!!!!!
Useless meter maids...
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ARAB IN A BAR
A rich Arab walks in a bar and is about to order a
drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap,
a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.
He doesn't have to be Einstein to know this guy
is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that
everyone can hear: 'drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not
for the Jew over there'. Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew
gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says: 'thank you', in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone
except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish
guy. He continues to smile, and again yells: 'thank you'.
The Arab asks the bartender: "What's the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he does is smile and thank me
The bartender replies: 'He owns the place'.
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LOL ;D
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . on any land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he would be gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs . . ..
"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"
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LOL Stupid should hurt!!!!!
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(https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11800156_10153542383072287_5232879283366999521_n.jpg?oh=7afae98499ea2a61c4316e72d28c86ab&oe=563AA3A8)
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;D ;D ;D :D
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The Italian Funeral
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this.. Whose funeral is it?"
My wife's."
'What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."
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Man's Best Friend!!!!! ;D
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(https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xlp1/v/t1.0-9/11951410_1007383019307113_6697854116572979008_n.jpg?oh=73f210d7a3df661dbef3a2e537d27a6c&oe=56786B87)
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Oh yeah. LOL
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(http://www.jasondemakis.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Definition-Of-An-Askhole.jpg)
(http://cdn.diez.md/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/modern-word-combinations-urban-dictionary-26__880.png)
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/83/b3/c2/83b3c2ddaefe8649a594a33b31cd20ae.jpg)
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LOL ;D ;D ;D
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Clifford and Daisy May were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ol' woman!!"
Neighbors feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared.
He died at the ripe old age of 98.
After the burial, Daisy May's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
She replied, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."
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lol yep and another reason .. he is MALE lol
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Eventually he will figure it out, then look out.
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Smokin' in the Rain
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
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*Facepalms*
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Q: If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, what would her name be?
A: Ella Vader (Elevator)
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booooooooo........
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Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the reason why I have trust issues!
author unknown
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LOL
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Did you hear about the man who bought shares of the website pirate(dot)com?
He paid a buck an ear for it. (buccaneer)
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Booooooooo.... Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss....
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Sorry Ragnar.
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11987083_1084636751555022_4462617775503621476_n.jpg?oh=d144d99916dd16cf572f5f7cac5a77de&oe=56AB7CC9)
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Getting worse instead of better...
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I worry about you, Rick...*G*
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When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
She smells like a new truck.
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
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I heard a good one today...
A Football scout is with a group of Marines, and observes an Iraq youth who has an incredible arm...From 80 feet away he throws a grenade through a 7th story window. Later, he sees a car racing by at 90 mph, and throws a grenade through the windshield.
The scout approaches the young man, and says..."Come to America, we will teach you to play football, and you will make a lot of money." The young man agrees, and is soon signed up to a major league team, and the team wins game after game...due to his throwing arm. They enter the Super Bowl...and in a very close game...they win, and he is awarded Player of the Year.
He is excited, and calls his Mother to tell her the good news...
She is very curt, and says..."I have no Son." He says, "Mother, do you realize what I have done? I have won the most respected sporting event on the planet!"
She replies..."Do you have any idea of how we are living here? Two of your brothers were beaten almost to death last week, and I keep your sister in the house all day so she won't be taken and raped..."
She says..."I will never forgive you for moving us to Chicago..."
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Heh heh heh...
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Smart Wife
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well, go look in the garage!"...she said.
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Shoot the bitch.
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(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xlt1/v/t1.0-9/10891525_777605898975955_8191821645382967448_n.jpg?oh=b7f0dbc70a0b384ec2a47350575fb1e7&oe=565FE338)
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LOL ;D
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*groan worthy pic but still posting nonetheless*
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-0/s552x414/10996926_1166658516692917_837972624610701615_n.jpg?oh=45ee8803eb8bfade56aa50c58d62e5fb&oe=568967DF)
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keeps the bad jokes going...
(http://i944.photobucket.com/albums/ad282/MikeyZA/aeNmLZb_700b_v1_zps0feb7256.jpg)
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*Facepalms*
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(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11949515_10152991588062212_2750089369643821690_n.jpg?oh=9807ac9df2d2f611ef90a7f650a94669&oe=5687FDC6)
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(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-0/p552x414/205825_10150352513520469_7045817_n.jpg?oh=ec02d324a6f72caeb97f7d7c9215cc29&oe=569D527A)
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And die in a motor vehicle crash trying to read all that at 70 MPH!!!!!
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Football fans should be able to like this.
In regards to the Colts fake punt against the Patriots last night:
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/12107831_632802413250_6683781759408422831_n.jpg?oh=8e10327d15da08ca895f826d0fc49c2d&oe=56941B19)
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YUP!!!!!
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...This craked me up...
big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the farmer and agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. But the lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nope, I give up. You can have the duck."
-
JFDL!!!!!
I like that farmer!!!!!
-
...Here is the REAL reason why so few FM become Torvie Vikings...
https://youtu.be/pxz-Bq9z8c0
...We FW just have to know which end of a scramasaex to hold...*G*
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(https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/1450969_10151985297664589_1152179605_n.jpg?oh=a553269109376f0e7510aceb45481148&oe=56D2950D)
(https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/12144791_1096868910382984_8159655886458547977_n.jpg?oh=a161e7eb9eb1cc36288dac78a1ef16f4&oe=56C610BF)
(https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/11951268_10153290679893929_3579434545669378234_n.jpg?oh=dd0c3f47e7fb9056252d857ba36d0a88&oe=56B0F73D)
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...Here is the REAL reason why so few FM become Torvie Vikings...
https://youtu.be/pxz-Bq9z8c0
...We FW just have to know which end of a scramasaex to hold...*G*
*Facepalms*
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(https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/1450969_10151985297664589_1152179605_n.jpg?oh=a553269109376f0e7510aceb45481148&oe=56D2950D)
(https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/12144791_1096868910382984_8159655886458547977_n.jpg?oh=a161e7eb9eb1cc36288dac78a1ef16f4&oe=56C610BF)
(https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/11951268_10153290679893929_3579434545669378234_n.jpg?oh=dd0c3f47e7fb9056252d857ba36d0a88&oe=56B0F73D)
Very funny. NOW PUT THOSE BACK IN MY PERSONAL PHOTO ALBUM AND STAY OUT OF MY WAGON!!!!!
-
...Izee' angry at Lancer....*G*
Izee' was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends at Hvile Hus. Moments before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Lancer if he would be ever so gracious to walk down to the docks to pick up some fresh snails for the party. On his way to the docks he passed the Inn, and figured he’d stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the docks to search for the snails. One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was nearing the second ahn,and he hadn’t gotten his Companion those snails. Quickly he hurried down to the docks, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails. At that moment, his Companion angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party. Lancer looked towards the snails and said “C’mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we’re there!”
-
In honor of that military blimp that crashed in Pennsylvania, I just could not resist these:
Q: What do you call a runaway dirigible?
A: Fled Zeppelin
Q: What do you call a dirigible that is cut?
A: Bled Zeppelin
Q: What do you call a crimson dirigible?
A: Red Zeppelin
-
~giggles at all the funnies~
-
...Izee' angry at Lancer....*G*
Izee' was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends at Hvile Hus. Moments before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Lancer if he would be ever so gracious to walk down to the docks to pick up some fresh snails for the party. On his way to the docks he passed the Inn, and figured he’d stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the docks to search for the snails. One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was nearing the second ahn,and he hadn’t gotten his Companion those snails. Quickly he hurried down to the docks, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails. At that moment, his Companion angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party. Lancer looked towards the snails and said “C’mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we’re there!”
LOL And then Izee put her foot down and Lancer, snails, and all were history!!!
-
In honor of that military blimp that crashed in Pennsylvania, I just could not resist these:
Q: What do you call a runaway dirigible?
A: Fled Zeppelin
Q: What do you call a dirigible that is cut?
A: Bled Zeppelin
Q: What do you call a crimson dirigible?
A: Red Zeppelin
Ya run out of your meds again huh.... *W*
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#OUCHTIME!
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/1545575_657440467612379_2114326219_n.jpg?oh=b193fb236a9cda540c8ac6185bd48f19&oe=56B14736)
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LOL
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(http://thefederalistpapers.integratedmarket.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/13.jpg)
(http://thefederalistpapers.integratedmarket.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/B.jpg)
(http://thefederalistpapers.integratedmarket.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/23.jpg)
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And folks ask me why I feel a license to breed should be a requirement,.
An IQ test should be the first mandatory element of licensing.
A common sense test the second. A four sided roofed shelter with two walls and a locked door with the fourth wall missing. Stand the applicant beside it and shower then from above with a fire hose. If they do not enter through the open side to get out of the torrential rain, do the world a favor and drown them.
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LOL yes i do agree
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this tickles me pink...*struts*... ;D ;D ;D
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/97/b8/b5/97b8b5d2e4dfc5a9bc9caf5eacc3ef02.jpg)
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;) :) :-* :-* :-*
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Q: How do you stop a bingo game in an Islamic State controlled area?
A: say "B-52"
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Heh heh heh...
-
(http://cdn2.bigcommerce.com/server1600/4274e/products/19197/images/20381/s9480_PinterestItsLike_RED_CRM__64899.1357834925.600.600.jpg?c=2)
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Not exactly "funny" its just how I imagine Jr to be right now. When I say he's babbling, this is what I mean.
In any case, this little one is extremely cute! ;D ;D ;D ;D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTOkLUL8ess&feature=youtu.be (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTOkLUL8ess&feature=youtu.be)
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that is so cute...
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
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LOL ;D ;D ;D
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(https://kerrimaniscalco.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/129020452761440124.jpg)
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Yuppers...!
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(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/kiah/dsdm.jpg)
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lol i will tell you Santa ...leans in to whisper to you.. so that no one can hear but you Santa
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JDL!!!!!
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oh flame do you always have to be so...so....so....helpful...to kiah? ~chuckles and changes tactics~
(http://www.quotestags.com/qitem.php?id=823064&ig=1)
oh where to put that apostrophe...hmmm....i think i'll just skip it...*and skips away*
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lol but i love to help my sisters out lol
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leaves flame some....(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/c9/38/2b/c9382baaecf8e1038fad91a28cf8227c.jpg)
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I'm thinking this isn't the kind of help either of you need, your both capable of finding the way to the naughty list..... Now if you was more like chanz you wouldn't need to worry.....
Smiles sweet and innocent like adjusts her halo then sways off.......
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:o ??? :-\ :-X :-* :-* :-*
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~leaves sweet sis chanz a gift for that halo~
(http://rcdn-2.fishpond.com.au/0038/837/067/172738358/6.jpeg)
:) :) :) :) :) :)
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well chanz.. if i was like you i would be in trouble 24/7.. so i think i will pass on that....and keep helping all of my sisters....
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Ahem sweet sister flame???? Just when is chanz ever in trouble hmmmmmmmm? And I help my sisters I've taught many....grins....... And I was taught by the best so I pass on that knowledge .....chanz was taught by Ubar and by prism....smiles sweetly....
Oh on thank you kiah that will come in handy...grins and winks attcha.
Saunters off.....humming to herself
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oh lets just say when you are around the Handsome Masters..lol.. and yes i know that you have help our sisters as well.. and yes you did teach them.. some good but then there are things that you have showen them how to do.. like flurt..wiggle there ass and breast.. yes you are a great helper. and i would not take you any other way
love you sis.. hugs
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(http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/17300000/LOL-Christmas-Cat-D-sarahplove-17309468-500-333.jpg)
(http://gigglefactor.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/Christmas12.jpg)
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Did you hear about the wedding between two antennae?
The ceremony was bad, but the reception was awesome.
-
Revokes your joke card. :(
-
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me.
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Much easier to just shoot her.
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(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/32360_508658552488494_1797404408_n.jpg?oh=51ff7812b27fa38c33175e105453a32e&oe=57158E71)
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I gotta wonder how bad he bloated up!!!!!
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Santa's elves getting kiah's Christmas present ready !! :) :) :) :) :)
(http://www.trbimg.com/img-565bd9cf/turbine/ct-broncos-beat-undefeated-patriots-gronkowski-001/650/650x366)
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LOL
-
Did you hear what happened after Grandma got run over by a reindeer?
Santa got sleighed (slayed)
-
:(
-
:(
You can blame that one on CSI: Crime Scene Investigator
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Shoot them. Give them something better to do.
:(
You can blame that one on CSI: Crime Scene Investigator
-
Couple of Star Wars jokes for ya. Blame my mom for the first one.
Q: What do you do when someone gives you bacca?
A: You chew bacca (Chewbacca)
Q: What did Obi-Wan say to Luke when he was having trouble with chopsticks to eat chinese food?
A: Use the forks Luke
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Rick, I say this with all sincerity. STOP WITHHOLDING YOUR MOTHER"S MEDICATION!!!!! Having said that, who is to blame for the second one?
::) ;)
Couple of Star Wars jokes for ya. Blame my mom for the first one.
Q: What do you do when someone gives you bacca?
A: You chew bacca (Chewbacca)
Q: What did Obi-Wan say to Luke when he was having trouble with chopsticks to eat chinese food?
A: Use the forks Luke
-
Blame my podiatrist for the second one.
Rick, I say this with all sincerity. STOP WITHHOLDING YOUR MOTHER"S MEDICATION!!!!! Having said that, who is to blame for the second one?
::) ;)
Couple of Star Wars jokes for ya. Blame my mom for the first one.
Q: What do you do when someone gives you bacca?
A: You chew bacca (Chewbacca)
Q: What did Obi-Wan say to Luke when he was having trouble with chopsticks to eat chinese food?
A: Use the forks Luke
-
Q::What do you call a beagle who eats a roll of paper towels??
;D
;D
;D
A:: Dog the Bounty Hunter
LOL
-
*Facepalms* Don't you have some chores to do?
-
Lolololol love it woobie perfect....lol
-
Master Ubar?
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/e8/a4/b1/e8a4b112d9257aab1e882d84a465db30.jpg)
Not mentioning any names...
(http://56.media.tumblr.com/a12c8d7baa37204674b3337788d264d1/tumblr_nxmq5w0Jul1u3hc4bo1_1280.jpg)
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JDL!!!!! ;D ;D ;D :-* :-*
-
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.
Must have been a Tuchuk Man *snickers* .... jade
-
::) ;D ;D 8) :D
-
Funny pic
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/946141_1130351623671459_1358367799001652371_n.jpg?oh=b60508de9ec6836ef005f15c0b973795&oe=5735FEA8)
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*Facepalms*
-
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
-
LMTAO!!!!!
-
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b6/2f/de/b62fde9a6d046dc9ebe075bccc58af79.jpg)
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, “Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.
-
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, “Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.
SCORE!!!!!
-
2 more jokes. I admit they might be crazy. Blame mom for the second one and blame lack of coffee in my system for the first one.
Q: What do you call a candy bar that drinks Budweiser?
A: Three Must-Get-Beers (Three Musketeers) (you can insert any type of beer in place of Bud)
Q: If I make chicken for dinner tonight, and we also eat it tomorrow night, what is it called?
A: Chicken Deja-Vu
-
...OK...I get the first one...but someone needs to explain the second one to me... ???
-
...OK...I get the first one...but someone needs to explain the second one to me... ???
*groans*
-
A little something I found on facebook, which is always good for a laugh or two:
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10928863_592077154257071_5286845040908546722_n.jpg?oh=b7b4fa9a206ceb8ef67c087804a7cf5a&oe=57499D06)
And a few more which I had read in the comments:
2 physicians=1 paradocs
sex in a cornfield = fritolay
The amount of beauty needed to launch a single ship = 1 millihelen
A plate of beans = 10 FARtADAY
A million, million microphones = One megaphone
-
:o Ummm... you went off your meds again, right...?
-
:o Ummm... you went off your meds again, right...?
I have no meds to begin with when it comes to the jokes and puns I find
-
...Katniss going out to play...*S*
https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/11960021_950346545008369_6206043805849442245_n.png?oh=04ffc911e69df91553b338ab7c18d0bf&oe=57403E55
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:o Ummm... you went off your meds again, right...?
I have no meds to begin with when it comes to the jokes and puns I find
You should begin taking some, IMMEDIATELY!!!!! ::) ;D
-
...Katniss going out to play...*S*
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/11960021_950346545008369_6206043805849442245_n.png?oh=04ffc911e69df91553b338ab7c18d0bf&oe=57403E55)
Gotta love kids!!! ;D
-
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for Bill Clinton who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to Bill and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The Clinton replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the calm as a clam Clinton.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned Bill, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity? ‘ persisted Satan.
'Yep,'was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said Bill.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
Bill Clinton calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for over 30 years.'
-
Wild Willy does have a point there...
LOL
-
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/11/27/78/112778ce06a8aff851a148f45788257f.jpg)
-
LOL
Wish I could say that...
-
I do it, I get in trouble
...
...
I do it anyway
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11225079_895878690529427_4666963918366235018_n.jpg?oh=5ce3df7f8691292a530dd0732345621b&oe=5736E8F3)
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...I worry about you, Rick...I really do... :) ;D :o ::)
-
One day, a girl saw the Ubar sitting on His porch, and decided to approach, and ask Him a question. After kneeling, and greeting, she asked Him, 'Master, will the winter be cold?' this girl was new to Gor, and had not been through a Gorean winter.
'yes, Gorean winters are always cold', replied the Ubar. 'Master, is there anything that this girl can do help prepare for the winter?', the kajira responded. the Ubar smiled down on the small figure, pleased that she was trying to think of the best for the clan. 'Yes, girl, for the next few hands, after you do your morning chores, go out onto the plains and gather dung, try to help fill the storage wagons'. The girl slides back, and nods her understanding. The next morning, after her chores, she set off and began gathering sack after sack of dung.
A couple days passed, and the Ubar began to ponder. Maybe this winter would be colder than most. He decided to travel to Turia, and speak to the representative of the Priest-Kings. He saddled up one of His tarn, and flew to the city. After paying the fee, He sat behind a screen and asked His question, 'Will this be a cold winter?' He heard the representative speaking into a handset, and then He was told, 'Yes, it will be a cold winter'. The Ubar flew back to the camp, deep in thought.
After a few hands, the slave happened upon the Ubar again, and knelt. 'Master, will this winter be really cold?' The Ubar looked down on the girl kneeling in front of Him, and pondered, again. The Priest-Kings did say that it would be a cold winter, maybe it will be colder than most. He came to a quick decision, and issued His instructions. 'Girl, tomorrow, after your morning chores, I want you to gather three Or of your sisters, and you will all gather dung. Also, each of you should recruit a thrall to help '. The girl nodded her understanding, and backed away. That night, she spread the word in the kajira kennel wagon, and, in the morning, thirty kajira, each accompanied by a thrall, headed out to the herds of bosk to gather dung. Over the next few days, the sacks of dung began to fill all of the dung wagons.
The Ubar watched the labor of the slaves with some concern, a lot of effort was being expended, but it could save the clan if the winter was truly cold. He decided to consult with the Priest-Kings again, and flew back to Turia. His brow was furrowed with concern as He consulted with the representative, and again heard the man speaking into some device. The man returned, and speaking through the screen said, 'Yes, this winter will be colder than most'. The Ubar flew back, deep in thought, concerned with the future of His people.
A few hands later, the girl sees the Ubar at the main furs, and kneels. 'Master, will this winter be colder than any other on record', she asks in her little voice. The Ubar rubs His temples, the Priest-Kings did say that it would be a colder than normal winter. Thinking back on past winters, He realizes that one can never be too well prepared. He stands, and looks down on the girl. 'Pass the word, little one. All slaves that are not already assigned essential tasks are to gather dung, until further notice'. The girl nods her understanding, and during the evening the word is passed between all of the kajira and thrall kennel wagons. The next morning, several thousand slaves head out, towards all points of the compass, and dung bags soon fill the regular wagons, and the reserve wagons start to take on the extra bags.
The Ubar is still unsettled, seeing that some other tasks are being neglected, but the dung sacks represent heat and life during the winter. He decides to consult with the Priest-Kings again. His brow is troubled as He makes the long flight to Turia, and strides up the steps to the Priest-Kings representative. Two double gold tarn disks are handed over, and He poses His question. 'Will this winter be the coldest on record for Gor?' Again, the Ubar hears the man speaking into a handset, and then the representative returns to the screen. 'Yes, this winter will be the coldest ever on record. The Priest-Kings say that the Tuchuk are gathering dung like crazy'.
-
LOL ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
Why was the twelve year old boy wanted by the police?
He was a cereal killer.
-
It is medication time again...
-
Only medication I have in my possession are furosemide and potassium pills
-
#OUCHTIME!
(http://www.aeromodellers.co.uk/media/kunena/attachments/75/physics.jpg)
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lol that is a good one Master
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LOL I liked that one!!! ;D ;)
-
In honor of the Super Bowl, a little something I found on FB
Q: Why are the Denver Broncos wearing white uniforms?
A: Because white Broncos are typically hard to catch in California.
-
:-X
-
(http://i464.photobucket.com/albums/rr5/Michele_Herren/Loyalty_zpsuhxwruy5.jpg)
-
;) :-*
-
(http://jokideo.com/pregnancy-is-in-the-air/)
(http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/meme/2014/04/Pregnancy-is-in-the-air.jpg)
Fixed that for ya sis.
Rags
-
(http://www.funniestmemes.com/funny-memes-its-come-to-this-in-our-relationship/)
(http://www.funniestmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Funniest_Memes_it-s-come-to-this-in-our-relationship_5899.jpeg)
Fixed that for ya sis
Rags
-
Funny but oh so relevant for today
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/12742680_819313171525520_1888765442997181903_n.jpg?oh=10b01fa91ba838562c94e593fcf636fb&oe=57237D7C)
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UUUuuuuuuuugh.....
LOL
-
insert those bad valentines meme's now lmao
(http://images.latintimes.com/sites/latintimes.com/files/styles/pulse_embed_breakpoints_theme_lt_desktop_1x/public/2015/02/04/valentines-day-memes_1.jpg)
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LOL :P
-
Saw this on FB and thought of RAGNAR
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xlp1/v/t1.0-9/10416618_181431895558597_1736687137389830311_n.jpg?oh=de1bd96c73f51f8eba35fe506085fd7f&oe=576B5DAD)
-
Saw this on FB and thought of RAGNAR
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xlp1/v/t1.0-9/10416618_181431895558597_1736687137389830311_n.jpg?oh=de1bd96c73f51f8eba35fe506085fd7f&oe=576B5DAD)
LOL
RAWWWWWWWWWR...!!!!!
-
(http://www.jadesmission.org/282976_2833794343917_2061417963_n.jpg)
-
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/12036662_1205610152789243_4225352208961969819_n.jpg?oh=026210ef31620214f0a7d7e4adb7d67a&oe=5764ADF8)
-
Egawds...
Shoot the Occifer.
-
RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS
-
LOL
-
Quitting Drugs
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday.
"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor.I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this:
o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said,
"This is your anus before prison.................."
-
LOL ;D
-
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/12189096_1705861919635129_4724468508790601686_n.jpg?oh=58634ac69d650f5b61ffe1c58862fc65&oe=576E45C8)
-
...Lancer and Izee' at a 'Parent/Teacher conference when Tristan was still a child...
https://youtu.be/jEItBM1dc9o
-
Q. How can you tell the blonde waitress is having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is stuck behind her ear and she can't find her pencil!
-
Egawds...
-
...Some people have WAY too much time on their hands....*G*
https://youtu.be/qAKCYDhRXDk
-
:o ??? :-\
-
Q. What do you a geometrist that likes to farm
A: Protractor
-
Uuugh....
-
Saw this and thought of RAGNAR stumbling into the wagon after a night by the fire
(http://www.thepoliticalinsider.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/i2.jpg)
-
LOL ;D
-
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter “Want coffee.”
The waiter says “Whoa, Tonto!!! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
“Training for position in United States Congress…Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
-
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
For Ubar, just cause....lol
(http://i464.photobucket.com/albums/rr5/Michele_Herren/rock%20bottom_zpswwtbsbyo.jpg)
-
For Ubar, just cause....lol
(http://i464.photobucket.com/albums/rr5/Michele_Herren/rock%20bottom_zpswwtbsbyo.jpg)
LMAO~ oh yes, can we get it for the back yard??
-
Gotta love a great firm ass!!!!!
JDL!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
A guy walks into a bar with cork shoved up his ass.
The bartender asks how it happened, so the guy says,
"I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern.
I picked it up and started to brush it off, when all of a sudden this genie pops out,
and told me I could have three wishes, and I Said, 'No shit!'
-
...FW Archery Contest...Lancer is going to cage me for this one...*G*
https://youtu.be/jHqSbQthn7E
-
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xal1/v/t1.0-9/9177_927755947322625_1463578475168018055_n.jpg?oh=526596479de9af6cca239308d7867dc1&oe=5794E6E8)
-
Q: What do you call an owl who is an escape artist?
A: HOO-dini
-
Just think these are some very strange pants...
(http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/ab0ZnKB_700b.jpg)
-
Just think these are some very strange pants...
(http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/ab0ZnKB_700b.jpg)
Sis... you just scared me. :o
-
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.
-
LOL ;D
-
Is sex Work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
-
ROTFLMTAO!!!!!
-
Funny article I found pop up on my FB feed:
http://www.aol.com/article/2016/04/14/man-takes-sleeping-pills-accidentally-orders-a-yak-online/21344339/
-
Chuckles...
-
Frying Pan
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
She looks satisfied and apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What was that for?"
"YOUR HORSE PHONED!"
-
LOL
"But honey, if Mr Ed could, why not Miss Marylou??!!!"
Yeah, I know. Am dating myself again. :(
-
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
-
Eagwds....
:-X :-X :-X
-
One day I got a call from a foreign number claiming to be Publisher's Clearing House with my prize of 3.5 million dollars and a 2015 Mercedes Benz. I played along for a little bit to see how the scam worked. Within the first 5 minutes, I asked the rep to confirm something for me.
The rep immediately groaned loudly in frustration, muted me for a moment and then hung up. Disappointed that I couldn't keep the conversation going, I went back to what I was doing before.
But then I got a call back from the original rep's supervisor. The supervisor asked what had happened during the first call, and I described in vivid detail all that had happened. I took 5 minutes to explain a 5 minute phone call. We talked about how to claim the prize, and he gave me several numbers that I would need later. I wrote them all down, then repeated them incorrectly. The supervisor confirmed that I had the numbers correct.
I told the supervisor that he wasn't very good at running a scam. "If you are going to give information, at least make it consistent. Otherwise your credibility is garbage."
He became irate and started yelling at me about how I was so stupid, and how he couldn't believe I was wasting his valuable time when all he was trying to do was give me money.
Ok, game on...
I kept him on the phone for 45 minutes getting him to explain what a birth certificate looks like, how to apply for a federal ID, how to take a bus to a Walmart in a random town I don't live in, how to fill out the transfer documentation, acceptable forms of payment, etc. etc.
I would often have him explain things over and over until he was yelling at me, then I would change the subject and get the conversation back "on course."
After 45 minutes, he told me he needed to do some paperwork and call me back in 30 minutes.
To my complete surprise, he called me 30 minutes later. He detailed the process for sending a payment, the information to give, etc. I kept repeating all the things I needed to do, getting at least one thing wrong each time. He would correct me, explain the process again, and then ask me to tell him what I was going to do. We did this for 20 minutes.
At this time, I started getting bored with the conversation about the transfer, and tried to change the subject to various other topics. I started asking about where he was calling from, what religion he was, etc. He told me that he was not a Christian, but he believed in God and attended a Baptist Church with his mom.
I started making ridiculous claims about how Baptists weren't Christians, but that I was glad he was one. He got really pissed off and started yelling at me. I calmed him down again by talking about the steps to the transfer.
Finally, I told him, "I don't really know how anyone who believes in God would believe that what you are doing is acceptable. You are defrauding people. You are literally stealing money from vulnerable people. I don't know how you can possibly justify that."
He began screaming "F*** you!" over and over at the top of his lungs for about 30 seconds, and then hung up the phone.
That was the most fun I've had all week.
-
ROTFLMTAO!!!!!
-
The Bridge
A man on his Harley was riding along on a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice,
God said to him, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said 'Lord, please build a bridge to
Hawaii so that I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would
take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that
could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God,
I wish that all men could understand women; I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I
can make a woman truly happy?'
*
*
*
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
-
LOL
-
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words And waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
-
Chuckles
-
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13327610_1372357166112931_3993911988270503386_n.jpg?oh=d64c4e909e81e4acb32018a82fe484ff&oe=58005BB0)
-
*Facepalms*
-
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/brat/bacon_cheeseburger.jpg)
For you city folks, this is how bacon cheeseburgers are made
-
;D ;D ;D
-
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am.
-
LMTAO!!!!!
-
lol i like that one
-
Three expectant fathers were in the waiting room.
The nurse came out of the delivery room and announced to one of the fathers that he was the father of twins. He was delighted and said what a coincidence, since he was a member of the Minnesota Twins team.
A little later the nurse came out again and said to the next father, congratulations, your wife just had triplets. He was so a happy - and said isn't that a coincidence - I work for 3M.
The other father took off like a shot - the nurse ran after him saying where are you going? Over his shoulder, the nurse heard him mumbling something about his work at 7UP.
-
:-X
-
(http://www.punfunny.com/images/holidays/pumpkin_pi_pun.jpg)
-
*Facepalms*
-
Oh my....offers some wine to go with the cheese you is supplying .....lol
-
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8yrdk6EWZkQ/UBftceXeXOI/AAAAAAAARfs/F5ZMLQDzsfs/s640/funny-animal-captions-002-001.jpg)
-
LOL ;D
-
Q: How do you do the wave at a chess match?
A: With your eyebrows
-
Egawds...
-
Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew his wife would go friggin' ballistic.
Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."
They walked over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked. The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"
Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I'm actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Hillary isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, " Let's have another look at the dog!"
-
ROTFLMTAO!!!!!
-
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a
door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer
negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her
the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they
as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they
nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as
fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood
got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think
I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
-
BOL
-
;D :) ;D :) ;D
-
Some puns for you, just because I am such a "punny" guy!
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/11902360_10153473117109019_3128484000547079236_n.jpg?oh=88de13d0c8296af5f611ff7afd48072a&oe=586C317F)
- Told the lady at the dairy that I needed enough milk for a milk bath. She asked, "Do you want it pasteurized? " I said "No, just up to my knees will be fine."
- the waitress who was charged with murder in another town was killed in a plane crash on her flight back to face charges. She got her just desserts.
-
*Facepalms...*
-
Q: How do you stop a mob of clowns?
A: Go for the juggler
-
:-X
-
Want a quick and handy hurricane scale? look at your cat!
https://www.instagram.com/p/8adl6uP3t-/
-
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
"Are My Test Results Back?
-
ROTFLMTAO!!!!! ;D
-
Here it is for you Star Wars geeks:
Q: how did Luke Skywalker get back to the Rebel base on Endor after he crashed his speeder bike?
A: Ewoked
-
:(
-
A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem... just like Chicago in June," the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. "No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, "No problem. Just like Chicago in August."
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on. To which the Chicago man replies, "THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!" "THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
-
:-X
-
This made me laugh. Enjoy! :o
http://cheezburger.com/83736065/ozzy-man-provides-hilarious-commentary-on-irish-bouncer-who-beat-up-bros (http://cheezburger.com/83736065/ozzy-man-provides-hilarious-commentary-on-irish-bouncer-who-beat-up-bros)
-
Q: What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A: a Synonym roll!
-
https://www.facebook.com/viralthread/videos/610733119099375/
This would be your Ubar.. laughs and runs
-
https://www.facebook.com/viralthread/videos/610733119099375/
This would be your Ubar.. laughs and runs
Hey... I am in touch with that emotion!!!!!
-
The Italian Funeral
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
My wife's."
'What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."
-
What do you have with a person who is dyslexic, agnostic and an insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night pondering the existence of Dog.
-
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a cod, any cod.
-
:'(
-
Q: Why did the football go to the bank?
A: He wanted his quarter back.
-
:'(
-
This kind of makes you think...
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
-------
my sister bet me i couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.....you should have seen her face when i drove Pasta.
--------
-
;D & :'(
LOL
-
...Aslaug meets a giani... ;D
http://boredomfiles.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/9/2017/05/30-cat-facts.gif
-
...This REALLY cracked me up... :o
https://youtu.be/jjFGapt328w
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...This one starts with Lancer driving his lorry on his usual daily run... ::)
https://youtu.be/kAIF_cfMOPw
-
LOL
-
Saw this and IMMEDIATELY thought of Ragnar and prism. Can we say #OUCHTIME?
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started.
-
Yup, and then the fight started. ;D
-
...In my younger days, I was a horrible older sister. I was 4 years older than Jeanne, and should have been an example to her. Our family would drive to Presidio TX from CA most summers, to visit my Aunts, and so my Mother could visit with friends she had grown up with. Once I brought my violin along, and played duets with the town Doctor, and told my Mother later what a nice man he was. She smiled at me, and said...'He shot and killed his best friend in a duel." I couldn't believe it, and asked the Aunts...they only spoke Spanish, and I was pretty fluent at that time, and they confirmed the story.
Anyway, Jeanne was subject to 'motion sickness'. I was sitting in the front passenger seat while my Father was driving, and my Mother was sitting in the back seat, and Jeanne was laying on the seat, her head in my Mothers lap, hoarking at times. We were driving through the desert...nothing to see...and nothing on the radio. I decided to amuse myself, and would call out..."OMG LOOK AT THAT!" Jeanne would sit up, and look around...she was in 4th grade at the time...and of course there was nothing to see. She would begin hoarking again, and I would giggle. After the third time, my Mother swatted me on the back of the head, and said..."STOP THAT!" I looked down, pretending to be despondent, but out of the corner of my eye I saw my Father grinning...He needed the amusement, too.
-
.., .But, as we got older we grew very close. When I was at College the first two years, I would come home for the Summer. One summer, my mother and sister had purchased the employees cafeteria at a Macy's in a large Mall. I helped out, it was a lot of fun. We would make soup and slice meats the night before, and pack things up and get in early. We would get deliveries of donuts and stuff, and set them out. I really enjoyed it, serving the workers was nice...and we could help ourselves. My sister did tell me..."Don't eat too much, although you aren't being paid."
Once, as the donuts were being delivered, I set them out, and said...seeing a pastry I had never seen before..."Sis, that looks like a deep fried dog brain" I whispered. She hissed back at me..."NOT SO LOUD!...EVERYONE WILL WANT IT!"
I had to retire to the back room...I was laughing so hard.
-
...Lancer being invited to a nice dinner party... :o
https://youtu.be/BabsgCQhpu4
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...Izee' at a baby shower...she is totally clueless... ::)
https://youtu.be/-5C6kG57J7Q
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...This is so wrong on so many fronts...but I have to laugh...
https://youtu.be/JVqFkJ3suxQ
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...Lancer goes on a road trip with Rags...and meets Izee' and a few of her sisters... ::)
https://youtu.be/AByf89Xp0W4
-
LOL
;D ;D ;D
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...This is a horrible joke...not PC...just cracks me up... ;D
When I was a freshman in college, I had a ticket to the 'Food Hall'...and gained 15 pounds...the food was very starchy and heavy in calories...it was a common occurrence...it was referred to as the 'freshman weight gain'...*S*. I met a 'squid' in the food line, he was on the GI bill and was older than me. We met for dinner quite often afterwards, and talked about the school and he told me about his experience in the Navy. He never made a pass at me...he had a serious GF in another city...but sometimes he would drive me in his Corvette to an asian restaurant and we would pig out. He would tell me serious stories about the Navy, and I always listened. Once he told me a tale of being in boot camp. They would get some leave at times. He said that a recruit showed up late at night, and was on foot, and the guards asked him what happened. He was totally a mess, clothes torn up, face bruised, and limping...they also asked him where his car was. He said, "Well, I drove into town, and had dinner, and then my car broke down. I was holding out my thumb, for help...and a car pulled over, it had four lovely young women it it. They picked me up...but did not take me back here. They took me to an apt, and got me drunk, and then raped me and did other things that I can't talk about." The guards nodded, and let him in, and word spread. I was astounded, and asked my friend what happened afterwards. He was totally serious as he had told me the tale...he then grinned...and said...
"The next night, there were 20 recruits trying to hitch a ride on that highway." I almost blew milk out of my nose...I was laughing so hard!
-
LOL
-
...Lancer...trying to get civilized... ;D
https://youtu.be/AUfpfOU_4IY
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...At a 4-H convention, I was watching over a young man, watching him at all times. He had a health problem that his parents had told me about...he was one of the eight youth that I was chaperoning, and once saw that he was in distress and I checked him out of the convention, and drove him to the hospital...he wasn't so bad that I needed to call an ambulance. We arrived at the hospital, and I used the Parents Consent Form to get him admitted. We got into the elevator, and there were three MD's in it as we rode up to the resperatory unit where he would get a treatment for his asthma.
He looked around at the MD's and said..."I called you all here because there has been a murder...and you are ALL suspects!" The MD's were totally bewildered...and I held back an atomic attack of the 'giggles'.
He got a breathing treatment, and some drugs that I handed over to our Nurse. *S* He did well the rest of the conference...and as I watched over the years as he became older, he became a very fine young Adult. ;D
-
...Danger Urtess LOVES HALLOWEEN!!!!!
http://quotationsquotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/be10546895885d8ca758f018a304bc8f.jpg
-
ROTFLMTAO!!!!!
-
...At the Hotel in Turia, Aslaugs' giani encountered Lancer...
http://38.media.tumblr.com/083fb44975d0e0b7005502dfac49958e/tumblr_mu8avnwN1U1qbyxr0o1_400.gif
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LOL
-
...The Urtess loves the jokes posted here... ::)
http://img.brainjet.com/slides/1/4/0/8/0/8/1408089587/f1500915bc8e1bae8d612cc08dff8ae7783cb3b1.jpeg
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;D ;D ;D
-
...Danger Urtess asks after the Migration...
"There be tastas?"
https://media.giphy.com/media/E6AKG0k1r2vx6/giphy.gif
-
Keep her attention, the sleen are hungry for a snack!!! ;D
-
...Danger Urtess says..."THESE BE ALL THA TASTAS YE HAVE?????"
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSOfJRlMB1LLs3DEv-ho2R8F_M4qbRb3r0e4RVj9ukMMcxqTjutng
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Now THAT is an OMG look!!!!! LOL
-
Southern Divorce
A judge was interviewing a Georgia woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
-
ROTFLMTAO!!!!!
-
This song can be for the Ladies, but after hearing it, the Men might want to pay attention!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpFD-kgQxnI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpFD-kgQxnI)
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Hence the reason being married should be outlawed based upon freedom of speech.
-
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says, "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"
-
So a man is walking along a beach and he comes across an old bottle that appears as if it came from the Middle East. As he wipes the sand off the bottle and opens it, a green mist comes out of the bottle and a beautiful Genie appears.
"Since you have freed me from 1,000 years of captivity, I will grant you one wish." the Genie tells the man.
"You know I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I hate flying and I get seasick. I want you to build me a bridge to Hawaii." the man responds.
The Genie pauses for a second, then responds.
"Do you realize how hard that would be? Hawaii is 3,000 miles away. Come up with something more reasonable."
"Okay," the man says, "I'm in my 40s and I've dated many women but I still don't understand them. Make me understand women."
"So," the Genie responds, "do you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
-
LOL
Without a doubt!!!!! ;D
-
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
“Nah…” she shrugs.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what WOULD you like?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
Sorry,” John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
-
LOL
A shallow dirt nap is pretty inexpensive and rather final. Best of all... she is unable to bitch about the accommodations.
:-X ::) ;D
-
Q: Why was Dr. Watson so smart?
A: He was Holmes Schooled
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(pic to go along with joke from above)
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29597883_10156420829089756_7565261302260318665_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=v1%3AAeHQmsg_VLTOKmteTBG3AN8dvhlDw1kmcgre7JYwAuM8k_y_rYPj8medtlb521FEPW2JyBxlsnpyjyJAjRfPOZTkSer-9WspnNiDyZaukom4fQ&oh=4dd6f0da486602be40e20e02d44fa506&oe=5B745857)
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:-\
-
DON'T BET ON THAT..
A man was sitting reading the newspaper when his wife hit him with a frying pan. After picking himself up from the floor, he asked her what that was all about.
“That was for the piece of paper I found in your pocket with the name Jenny on it.”
“For crying out loud, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on last week!”
The wife apologized and went back to her housework.
Three days later, the man was watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
When he came to, he asked why the heck she had conked him a second time.
She replied: “Your horse just phoned.”
-
...Ragnar takes Rick Bulow on a blackwine tasting trip... ::)
https://youtu.be/fVDOB9mby_w
-
Ragnar takes Medi to task on her singing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NdDgG7cWBU
;)
-
;D ::) 8) ;D ;D ;D
-
Hippopotamus, New York..
A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered.
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply
-
...Izee' sends Aslaug and Tiveri to Ricks Wagon...and they sing this...over and over again... ::)
https://youtu.be/XAvStF3ZrIg
-
"Uuuuuuuuugh..."
-
One of the singers form Izee is now singing alto after entering a wagon
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWXC37rgk28
-
No loss, was only a thrall. ;D
-
cheesy pickup line
"How much does a polar bear weigh?"
"Enough to break the ice. How you doin?"
-
Ummm bro... go back to cheese graters. ;D
-
#BadJokeAlert
Q: What did the officer say to his belly button?
A: You're under a vest!!!!!!
-
Getting worse bro... better increase your meds again. ;)
-
At least I warned ya it was a bad joke!
-
Agreed, just No clue as to how bad. LOL
-
#VeryBadJokeAlert
Q: What type of vehicle does a podiatrist drive?
A: A tow (toe) truck
-
:-\ :( :'(
-
An elderly Scottish Jew decides to slow down and take up golf, so he applies for membership at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been rejected. So he goes down to the club to inquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, MacTavish.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear the kilt.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under the kilt? Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orange-men, and I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!
-
That is bad.
I like it. LOL
-
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned ans daid: "And you will dialogue."
-
((Got it from this image on FB))
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35383731_1910096145713847_9081488286152654848_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&oh=695467d1c98b55231ddf1ef6dfc69178&oe=5BB25614)
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Uuuugh... put it back on FB.
-
#BadJoke
Q: What ya call 2 guys with no arms or legs hanging above your window?
A: Kurt n Rod
-
########BBBAAADDDJJJOOOKKKEEE!!!!!!!!!! ;D
-
How do chickens motivate their chicks?
They egg them on.
-
:-X :-X :-X
-
#BADJOKEALERT (I came up with this one after leaving the podiatrist)
Q: What does a foot doctor drive?
A: A toe (tow) truck
(Told the above joke to my podiatrist, and he came up with this one)
Q: What does the foot doctor get for graduating college?
A: a pedigree.
-
#VERYBADJOKEALERT
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
-
Its alright Rick, just up your dosage and all will be well. ;D
-
Its alright Rick, just up your dosage and all will be well. ;D
To be fair, I do post a disclaimer alerting you when I have a bad joke nowadays!
-
I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.
-
Et tu siren???
-
#BADJOKEALERT
Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Well, he Neverlands.
-
*grins to my Master and slips this one in*
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
-
Meanwhile, as i turn to leave, these fall out, too:
Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes!
-
Goes to look for my bottle.
-
Goes to look for my bottle.
Hey Ragnar, if you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37719245_10217044691177440_4947561828298260480_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=eebbef93369c6842185705a08549ccf0&oe=5BD03C6F)
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Bro... up your meds dosage again. :-X
-
I bought some shoes on the drug black market......
I don’t know what they’re laced with, but I’ve been tripping all day!
-
:o :o :o :o :o :o
-
You know, a friend of mine sued an airline company after it lost her luggage. Sadly, she lost his case.
-
Q: What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?
A: People from Dubai don't like the Flinstones and people from Abu Dhabi Doo!
-
What are you two smoking?????
-
mmmmm I've been wondering the same thing ;D
But do you know why Ducks have feathers? To cover their butt-quack.
-
#VERYBADJOKEALERT
Q: Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
A: So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!
Post from FB I got it from:
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37749220_2355846321099918_3547463014481395712_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=1716c6bdde853873b02c23e29856de34&oe=5C0E0AA7)
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I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday, luckily it was a soft drink.
-
mmmmm I've been wondering the same thing ;D
But do you know why Ducks have feathers? To cover their butt-quack.
Not true... growls at the golden one.. I'll get you my pretty just you wait now... harumph....
-
I am surrounded by lunacy...
I would have it no other way.
-
I am surrounded by lunacy...
I would have it no other way.
Just be glad I am an occasional visitor (which reminds me. I need to do so again sometime!) and not a member.
-
#BADJOKEALERT
Q: What did one earthquake say to the other???
A: It's not my fault
-
Q: What does a pirate who lived eight decades say?
A: Aye Matey!
-
I dreamt I was a muffler and woke up exhausted.
-
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
-
i probably shouldn't have eaten the sea food, i feel a little eel.
-
:-X :'(
-
Q: What did the perverted frog say?
A: "Rubbit"
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you are so .. well you are.. cant find the words i want lol
-
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a Get Well Quick card.
Yeah, let it sink in, you'll get it :D
-
*Facepalms*
-
Q: why is it best to study in a bowling alley at 6 in the morning?
A: It is so quiet you can hear a pin drop!
#WakaWakaWaka
-
*looks for my axe*
-
What kind of books do cows read?
Cattlelogs
-
Q: Why was the computer in a bad mood coming out of the car?
A: It had a hard drive
-
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
-
Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
A: Dam(n)
-
NIGHTSTORM!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!
-
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
-
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
-
SWAT!!!!!
-
YEOW!!! hey, it was funny *grins and runs*
-
Q: What did one elevator say to another elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
-
*Looks at Rick and grins*
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
-
Q: What is a duck's favourite drug?
A: Quack!
*hides from chanz*
-
I bought some shoes on the drug black market......
I don’t know what they’re laced with, but I’ve been tripping all day!
I told this joke to a few people, and they love it!
-
*LMAO* see, i was right!! *laughing as i walk out*
-
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
-
Raises eyebrow, crossing arms, tapping foot.
-
Q: What do you call someone else's chesse?
A: Nacho Cheese!
Q: What do you call someone else's fries?
A: Nacho Fries
-
Up your meds again bro.
-
#BADJOKEALERT
Q: What do you call it when a short person waves at you ?
A: A microwave
-
Hey now.. stop picking one me..... :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
-
on me ( even) see got me so upset that i can not type.... cries
-
My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
-
It may be time to warm a girl's biscuits. ;D
-
~looks around with a grin~ flllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee my Master wants you *snickering, runs off to hide*
-
no sis.. your Master doesn't want me.. because i would just ask for more... lol
-
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because he was framed!
-
Bro... that was bad.
-
Q: What concert costs only 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
-
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Sorry, I prefer Google.
-
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
-
You both have been tried and found guilty of attempted murder by bad jokes. You both are hereby sentenced to 20 years without parole of watching 24/7 reruns of Abbot and Costello's "Who's On First".
-
i LOVE that routine YAYYYYYYY win-win situation
Here's my "thank You"
Never take a nail to a bar. They tend to get hammered.
-
sis has anyone told you that you are ( oh what is the word i am looking for ?) a nut
-
You both have been tried and found guilty of attempted murder by bad jokes. You both are hereby sentenced to 20 years without parole of watching 24/7 reruns of Abbot and Costello's "Who's On First".
I love that skit as well. In fact, I wish I would have that as a ringtone on my cellphone!
Andn now, I return you to the #BadJokeOfTheDay
A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum.
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one hell of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
-
sis has anyone told you that you are ( oh what is the word i am looking for ?) a nut
Those who say they are sane are really insane.
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lol no comment
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Hey, I never claimed to be sane. I am fine, its the rest of the world thats fucked up. ::)
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Hey, I never claimed to be sane. I am fine, its the rest of the world thats fucked up. ::)
And that is why I continue to tell these type of jokes. I am all right, and so are they!
-
Hey, I never claimed to be sane. I am fine, its the rest of the world thats fucked up. ::)
And that is why I continue to tell these type of jokes. I am all right, and so are they!
Ummm.... *Turns on pre season re-runs and hands you a bowl of Valiums* Easy bro. Just kick back and relax. It will be alright soon. ::) ;D
-
You know how I put a baby alien to sleep? I rocket
-
Q: What is Forrest Gump's computer password?
A: 1Forrest1
-
oh that was bad
-
*Just shakes my head*
-
Two satellites decided to get married.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
-
And married sex? Out of this world right?
-
...Stefan got into Izee's locked medical kit, and found some 'herbs', and decided to sing about his feelings about his little sister's giani... ;D
https://youtu.be/-oAZnMB4wBU
-
Q: What does a vegan zombie eat?
A: Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!!
-
...Stefan got into Izee's locked medical kit, and found some 'herbs', and decided to sing about his feelings about his little sister's giani... ;D
https://youtu.be/-oAZnMB4wBU
LMTAO!!!!!
-
Q: What does a vegan zombie eat?
A: Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!!
Uuuuuuuuuuugh.... *Takes another drink*
-
Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar
The bartender says, "I'm gonna need to see some Id."
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/41644180_1164945403658397_5951896246355492864_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=a239632f8ff4d1c08dfb348af6e98715&oe=5C1E5A88)
-
:-X
-
Knock knock
Who's there?
I'm a pile up
I'm a pile up who?
....
....
....
-
:'(
-
Q: What's the difference between a Zippo and a hippo?
A: Ones really heavy, and the other's a little lighter!
-
:o
-
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar.
The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
-
That's what I am told as well, but I am not jumper cables.
-
...I never got this bad when I played cello in this piece... :)...but I WAS TEMPTED!!!!!!!!!!!! ::) Once, I was called by a professional cellist to take his place in a wedding quartet. I briefly greeted the other three players in the Church when I arrived, and looked through the wedding program, and matched my music up with the order of the music. I couldn't find the Pachebel sheet music, and quietly asked if we were going to perform it. :P The 1st Violinist gave me a surprised look, and asked..."Haven't you MEMORIZED the ENTIRE piece BY NOW?" The violist smirked at me, and said..."I will call out the notes as we go along." I refrained from 'going Panther' on them...I was wearing a nice, new white dress, and didn't want to have to wash red stains out of it. I simply said, "If I mess up the two opening measures...I will drop out."
https://youtu.be/xV1mZ1BjKa8
-
Q: What's so special about bullets?
A: They're the only things that do their job after they're fired!
-
What is the difference between a good burger and a shooting star??
..
..
..
..
The burger is very meaty.. but the other is a little meteor.
LOL *scrams*
-
...I never got this bad when I played cello in this piece... :)...but I WAS TEMPTED!!!!!!!!!!!! ::) Once, I was called by a professional cellist to take his place in a wedding quartet. I briefly greeted the other three players in the Church when I arrived, and looked through the wedding program, and matched my music up with the order of the music. I couldn't find the Pachebel sheet music, and quietly asked if we were going to perform it. :P The 1st Violinist gave me a surprised look, and asked..."Haven't you MEMORIZED the ENTIRE piece BY NOW?" The violist smirked at me, and said..."I will call out the notes as we go along." I refrained from 'going Panther' on them...I was wearing a nice, new white dress, and didn't want to have to wash red stains out of it. I simply said, "If I mess up the two opening measures...I will drop out."
https://youtu.be/xV1mZ1BjKa8
LOL
-
Q: What's so special about bullets?
A: They're the only things that do their job after they're fired!
Uuuugh...
-
What is the difference between a good burger and a shooting star??
..
..
..
..
The burger is very meaty.. but the other is a little meteor.
LOL *scrams*
GO MAKE ME A SAMMICH!!!!!
-
Q: What do you call a microbiologist in an orchestra?
A: A cell-ist!
*hides from Medi*
-
...AARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:(
...Seeks out Rick...Holding the endpin of my cello like a dagger... ;D
...Most cellos have sharp metal endpins that retract inside of the cello when the cello is not being played. I have an Austrian cello made in 1853 that has a removable endpin. The sharp metal rod is inside a wooden holder that plugs into the bottom of the cello, and then the metal rod can be extended as needed. When setting up, I always take the wooden holder, and shake it hard, once, and the metal rod emerges with a sharp 'SNAP' sound, and then I tighten the wingnut holding the rod in place and then plug it into the cello. If I have a new stand partner, he or she will give me plenty of room to sit, and will turn the pages of the music very efficiently. ;)
-
...AARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:(
...Seeks out Rick...Holding the endpin of my cello like a dagger... ;D
...Most cellos have sharp metal endpins that retract inside of the cello when the cello is not being played. I have an Austrian cello made in 1853 that has a removable endpin. The sharp metal rod is inside a wooden holder that plugs into the bottom of the cello, and then the metal rod can be extended as needed. When setting up, I always take the wooden holder, and shake it hard, once, and the metal rod emerges with a sharp 'SNAP' sound, and then I tighten the wingnut holding the rod in place and then plug it into the cello. If I have a new stand partner, he or she will give me plenty of room to sit, and will turn the pages of the music very efficiently. ;)
YO RICK!!!!!
When she starts talking about rods that retract, rod holders, plugs, shaking things hard, playing with nuts, partners, turning things over, it is time to RUN!!!!!
-
...AARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:(
...Seeks out Rick...Holding the endpin of my cello like a dagger... ;D
...Most cellos have sharp metal endpins that retract inside of the cello when the cello is not being played. I have an Austrian cello made in 1853 that has a removable endpin. The sharp metal rod is inside a wooden holder that plugs into the bottom of the cello, and then the metal rod can be extended as needed. When setting up, I always take the wooden holder, and shake it hard, once, and the metal rod emerges with a sharp 'SNAP' sound, and then I tighten the wingnut holding the rod in place and then plug it into the cello. If I have a new stand partner, he or she will give me plenty of room to sit, and will turn the pages of the music very efficiently. ;)
YO RICK!!!!!
When she starts talking about rods that retract, rod holders, plugs, shaking things hard, playing with nuts, partners, turning things over, it is time to RUN!!!!!
...Oh Rags...that is just the 'Let's get to know you phase'... ::)...No danger there...
-
...AARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:(
...Seeks out Rick...Holding the endpin of my cello like a dagger... ;D
...Most cellos have sharp metal endpins that retract inside of the cello when the cello is not being played. I have an Austrian cello made in 1853 that has a removable endpin. The sharp metal rod is inside a wooden holder that plugs into the bottom of the cello, and then the metal rod can be extended as needed. When setting up, I always take the wooden holder, and shake it hard, once, and the metal rod emerges with a sharp 'SNAP' sound, and then I tighten the wingnut holding the rod in place and then plug it into the cello. If I have a new stand partner, he or she will give me plenty of room to sit, and will turn the pages of the music very efficiently. ;)
YO RICK!!!!!
When she starts talking about rods that retract, rod holders, plugs, shaking things hard, playing with nuts, partners, turning things over, it is time to RUN!!!!!
...Oh Rags...that is just the 'Let's get to know you phase'... ::)...No danger there...
Hey... it does not even qualify as good foreplay unless it culminates with a trip to the ER!!!!! 8)
-
Q: What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A: A waist of time!
-
Q: What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A: A waist of time!
Bro... you worry me. Here you have a Woman ready to get all kinky with you and you are telling jokes.
TURN IN YOUR MAN CARD!!!!!
-
Y'all are killin me
-
...*Sighs* and puts away some of my more 'fun' toys...
...*Pours a cup of tea*..."Here, Rick, this be good tea, we can watch "Over the Rainbow" while I sit with you." ::)
-
Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
A: HIGH-Definition.
-
#BadJokeAlert (blame my stepdad, who is on too many pills as it is!)
Q: We all know that Murphy's Law is anything bad that can happen will happen, but do you know what Cole's Law is?
A: Shredded cabbage and mayonnaise.
-
I think I need more meds after that one. :(
-
...When visiting Norway, we took a bus ride to Ornesvigen. :) It was a very scary ride, there were a lot of hairpin turns, and looking out the window as we got higher up the mountain...you could look straight down into the fjord thousands of feet below. :o On the drive back, the tour guide told us a very good joke. :)
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter tells them..."It is late in the day, and we are at our quota, I can only let one of you in today, the other will have to wait until tomorrow. To help me decide who has to wait...tell me what you did back on Earth." One man, a Minister, tells St. Peter..."I was a Minister, every Sunday I gathered my flock and spoke to them of the Bible and other such things." St. Peter nods, and looks at the other man. The other man says..."I drove a bus up and down Ornesvigen 6 days a week for 30 years." St. Peter lets the bus driver in. The Minister is a bit angry, and asks..."I served you well all of my life, why do I have to WAIT?" St. Peter smiles and says, "Well, during your sermons, most of your Congregation was half asleep. But, when that man was driving his bus...EVERY PASSENGER WAS AWAKE AND PASSIONATELY PRAYING TO GOD!" ;)
-
LOL
I liked this one. ;D
-
...A time when I 'behaved badly'... :P
I was playing in a JC production of a musical, and was in the pit orchestra. The Conductor set the brass along the back of the pit...and being a cello...I was also in the back, and was sitting beside a Trombone. The player, a young man, cut up a lot and teased me during performances. :( So, one performance...I WENT PANTHER!!! When trombonists rest, they don't hold the instrument in their lap, they set it in a small stand that holds the instrument vertically, with the mouthpiece facing straight up. This makes it easy for them to play, they just pick the instrument up, and press the mouthpiece to their lips.
I brought in a water bottle, that had a very narrow, curved tip, to one performance...it looked harmless. ::) The orchestra had a long rest, while dialogue was going on the stage. I had noticed, that during that long rest...the trombonist would be looking at the cute clarinetist, and ignoring everything else. So...during that rest...I leaned over and poured water into the mouthpiece...pretty much filling up the slide. ::)
When we all entered...well...it was INTERESTING!...I will leave the details to your imagination. ;D
Here is what a trombone can sound like...without the slide being full of water... ;D
https://youtu.be/vwU-J3uZhRE
-
Medi will perhaps understand this one best, string player though She is lol. BAck in the Stone Age when I was in high school, I sat first-chair Bass Clarinet my junior year and we were doing the Nutcracker Suite for the Christmas concert. Being first chair, I was naturally assigned the duet with the piccolo during the Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy. All well and good, I was ecstatic to be playing that duet, particularly opposite the best high-school piccolo player in Tennessee, a VERY talented young lady named Tsuya Zimmerman. Unfortunately for me, I had a cold. Last practice before the performance, during the duet I had to sneeze -- really, really bad! I tried heroically to hold it back, but eventually I knew I couldn't, so in desperation I tried to smother it against my mouthpiece. The Bass Clarinet, however, is a reeded instrument, and the results were, well, catastrophic. The sneeze still came out, right through my horn!! And being asthmatic, when it came out it came out HARD, and therefore, LOUD. It produced the most unbelieveable HONK!! you ever heard -- like a dying goose! -- and, worse, completely shattered my last reed. I had to go buy a new one after school, but worse than that was the fact that the director was so upset with me that he sent the part to the clarinet section instead. I didn't give up the instrument, not by a long shot, but to this day I still turn beet-red when I talk about it.... LOL....
-
...*JDL*... ;D ;D ;D I would have been shrieking with laughter hearing that, Arlon. That is where we string players have an advantage...we can even EAT while playing. We string players did that all of the time when sitting in a pit...we would bring in candy bars and sometimes small sandwiches, and pass them back and forth as we ate...and played. ;D
-
Oh believe me, I laughed my head off.... afterwards. It's still embarrassing, but it's also so darn funny I can't resist telling people about it, at least those who know enough about music to "get" it. We didn't have any strings in our school band, we were all winds and percussion, but I can well imagine our director would have been mortified to catch anyone eating during class, much less during a performance. Which was the difference bewteen our director then, Mr. Hageman, and my first director, Mr. Z -- as in Zimmerman, Tsuya's father. Mr. Z would have thrown things lol... He was notorious for that, got fired 3 or 4 times for it in fact, but he was so bloody good they kept hiring him back....
-
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite
-
...*G*...I was taught to 'Behave Badly' in a pit orchestra by my private teacher, Mrs W. In HS, I had my first 'pit orchestra' experience, it was for the Musical, "Kismet". During the intermission, one of us string players would go get some 'refreshments'. Mrs W did it first, and she returned with a HUGE bottle of orange juice, and 10 paper cups! ;D We string players drank a bit during the halftime, and then during the performance, we would pass the bottle around to refill the cups. ::) We all alternated afterwards...I was very nervous the first time it was my turn. ??? I got to the counter, and nervously said..."Ah, I am with the orchestra, we need a bottle and 10 cups." :-\ He just grinned at me, and set the items in front of me...he was already set up...and I handed over the cash and took the refreshments back to the pit. :P
My most memorable moment with the refreshments was after a performance. Mrs W had paid for the bottle, and she had handed it to me to hold as she went to speak to other musicians...it was still about 1/8th full. I was standing there, looking around, and then the actor who played 'Hajj'...the LEAD ACTOR...came up TO ME!!!... :o He was covered with sweat...and his tongue was almost hanging out. He smiled, and looked at the bottle, and panted..."Can I have some of that?" My eyes got wide...if I had paid for the bottle...I would have HANDED IT OVER! But, my DAMNED SENSE OF HONESTY WOULDN'T LET ME!!! :P (He would have sat with me for a while, I believe...and He was a great actor and singer.) I pointed to Mrs W, and said..."This is her orange juice, please ask her." He nodded, and took the bottle from me and walked over to Mrs W.
I sat on a chair, watching him chat with her as he SWIGGED the rest of the orange juice, and they were both talking and laughing...and thought to myself..."That could have been MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" :P
Anyway, "Kismet" is a great Musical, so many songs became popular favorites... :)
-
...Actually...it was orange 'soda'...not 'juice'... ::)
-
Q: Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
A: He was picking his nose!
-
:'(
-
...Izee' hears that Rick likes noses...and writes a 'Cantata' for Him... ;D...Izee' was VERY anxious after the performance to see if Ragnar enjoyed it. Half of the 'Orchestra' were playing barbarian instruments that were badly damaged...and one 'musician' passed out at the end. Izee' had told him to fill the jug with water, and to drink it to lower the pitch as he blew over the 'mouthpiece'...but a bond had misunderstood the order...and had filled it with very concentrated sul-paga. :o
Rick did sing the 'Cantata' VERY WELL! ;D
https://youtu.be/DhQd3kAttuw
-
Q: How many ears does Spock have?
A: 3. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!
-
"Scottie, set phaser to heavy stun and shoot Mr Bulow in the nuts." ;D
-
...I had one of these 'flight attendants' once. :o She got our attention by saying, over the system..."Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? " ???
https://youtu.be/07LFBydGjaM
-
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You check for fresh prince!
-
And now what say we begin the New Year in style with a good laugh?
Q: Whats the difference between the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper?
A: Nothing, they both orbit Uranus wiping out Klingons!
(Those who have been around Gor for 20 years should understand why I posted this joke!)
-
*FACEPALMS*
-
Now Ragnar, I figured you of all people would appreciate it as you remember my beginnings in gor!
-
I remember well, but are you suggesting you just hang there being problematic? LOL ::)
-
#VERYBADJOKEALERT
Q: What does a Texan Cat say?
A: Meowdy!
-
*Loads my shotgun*
-
Q: What kind of dinosaur has the biggest vocabulary?
A: A Thesaurus!
-
*Has prism load hers also*
-
...Has four boxes of -00- Buckshot delivered to you and woobs...
;)
-
...Has four boxes of -00- Buckshot delivered to you and woobs...
;)
TY sis *S* Now, when are you going to deliver your ass back home? ;D
-
Q: Why are there fences around a graveyard?
A: Because people are dying to get in!
-
*Ties raw meat around your waist and releases the sleen*
-
Q: Why do vampires believe everything you tell them?
A: Because they're suckers!
-
*Glues coppers all over you and drops you in the alleys of Port Kar*
-
...Johanna and I pull all of the coins loose...and place them in our coin purses...(It is a 'Panther Habit')...and replace them with 3-day old tastas. ;D
-
*has the tastas for a snack as I continue*
;D ;D ;D (hehehehe) ;D ;D ;D
Q: What do you call someone who gets mad when they dont have any bread?
A: Lack toast intolerant!
-
...(*JDL*...Good response, Bro...next time we will glue on week old tastas...and WE will have ALREADY EATEN all of the good stuff on them.)
...I hold back Katniss and S'lene..."Let me teach ye both tha 'proper' way tae use a heated brandin iron, my Daughters."
-
Q: What do hillbillies drink out of?
A: Hiccups!
-
:-X
-
Q: Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
A: Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
-
#BADJOKEALERT
Q: What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A: A buccaneer!
-
#BADJOKEALERT
Q: What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A: A buccaneer!
That made Edward Teach cry.
-
Q. What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant?
A. Swimming trunks!
-
Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
A: Because they are lactose (lack toes)
-
Q: Where did Noah keep his bees?
A: In the Ark Hives (Archives)
(and the pic I got it from on Facebook):
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/52001291_569179033592043_7509878513239851008_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=fd14c9a43dca2efbcf89d3e4d56b4d8f&oe=5CE4651B)
-
How to tell the Boss is away...the mice keep playing.... ackkkkkkk
-
Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
A: Because she kept running from the ball!
-
Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
A: Because she kept running from the ball!
:'(
-
...My BEST piano lesson.... :o
At Conservatory, I added Piano Performance to my Music Major, and was assigned the MEANEST PIANO PROFESSOR to teach me. :P His name was D.D., and those were the days when a Teacher could YELL at a student, and not have to worry. :) I learned a LOT from him, we would work hard during a lesson, and my technique, and musicianship, really improved. A few times, after I repeated a phrase several times, he would just pull me off of the bench, sit down, play the passage, while shouting..."THAT IS THE COUNTERPOINT...YOU ARE MISSING ALL OF IT...JUST DON'T PLAY THE NOTES!!!" I would sit back down, focus, and play again, and he would nod.
Once, I came in, VERY NERVOUS...I hadn't practiced all week...and KNEW that he would notice. :-[ He started yelling at me, and I restarted the piece several times. My hands started shaking...and I was playing worse...and then...the door to the room opened... :o
-
...In walked a vocal performance major, he had a beautiful tenor voice...and he closed the door, and sat on the floor. :o D.D. started yelling at him, saying..."CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM GIVING A LESSON!!!" The guy just said..."I have something to give you." D.D. got even angrier, and shouted..."YOU INTERRUPTED A LESSON!!!!...YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!! >:( D.D. then calmed down, and said, pleasantly..."What did you bring me?" The guy said..."A sandwich..." D.D. TOTALLY ERUPTED...shouting..."YOU INTERRUPTED A LESSON TO BRING ME A SANDWICH??????" He then calmed down, and said..."What kind of sandwich?" The guy started laughing, and said, "A ham sandwich." :o D.D. went ballistic again, shouting at the guy...but then took the sandwich...and the guy left the room.
D.D. started eating the sandwich, and I started the sonata again...but I messed it up...my hands were shaking too hard. D.D. finished the sandwich...we were about 25 minutes into a one hour lesson...and just abruptly told me..."You are not prepared, we will not be able to accomplish anything...leave...go practice...see you next week..." >:(
I left, and went into a practice room...but my hands were shaking too much...and I just burst into hysterical laughter, and then left and went to a friend that I knew had alcohol...and got a little bottle of wine and went back to my dorm. I just read some science fiction...and started thinking that I should change my major...I was pretty good at the cello and piano...but there was no way that I could make a living just performing...and I wasn't interested in teaching music theory or music history.
I changed my major to business administration...but I still studied cello and piano. :) I still learned a lot from D.D., and at times I would walk away from a lesson, feeling very light on my feet. The best one was when I studied the Brahms...I had practiced very hard...and during the lesson...when I carefully did the transition from a loud and fast passage to the somber and reflective passage...he whispered..."That was beautiful." ;D
We humans are so capable of doing so much, we just have to get the strength to keep moving forward...even when we get the setbacks...
-
Q: Do you know why North African big cats can't be trusted?
A: Because they're either cheetahs or they're lion!
-
Just got an Amazon Fire on Saturday as a late birthdate gift from my sister, and got this joke off there, so if you do not like it, blame Alexa!
Q: What did the horse say to the scarecrow?
A: Haaaay
-
Dispatches a hit squad to discuss matters with Alexa.
-
Q: What is a pirate's favorite exercise?
A: The plank
-
And another Alexa joke for ya
Q: What did the therapist say to the jar of jelly?
A: If you'd only open up, people would find you berry nice!
-
:'(
-
Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
A: Nothing, they just waved.
-
Up your meds dosage again bro.
-
And another beaut from Alexa.
Q: Why did Batman cross the road?
A: Tune in next week to find out. Same Bat-Time; same Bat-Channel
-
Groans... do I age myself when I say I remember that line?
-
Groans... do I age myself when I say I remember that line?
now you do not look a day over 24, Ragnar!
-
Groans... do I age myself when I say I remember that line?
now you do not look a day over 24, Ragnar!
...OK, OK, OK...NOW I understand the joke... ::)...Thanks, Guys...(Runs and hides!)
-
...Rags attempts a 'Cooking Show' at Turia, with a Tuchuk assistant. The Turian Producer said..."NOOOOOOOOOO...we don't eat goat heads!" :o
...Rags fed the Producer the 'best' parts of 'other parts' of the goat...(raw)...as the Tuchuk 'salvaged' the set... ::) ...and other parts of Turia. ;D
...Rags decides to leave 'Cooking Shows' to the FW, his favorite method of tenderizing and cooking bosk meat is to just place it under his saddle, and ride for 6 ahn. ;)
https://youtu.be/zV8LhTs9GlU
-
Q: What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?
A: A pi-thon.
-
:-X :-X :-X
-
Q: How do crazy people get through a forest?
A: They take the psycho-path!
-
Q: How do crazy people get through a forest?
A: They take the psycho-path!
That is also how I lead Tuchuk on its migrations!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
-
Q: What is the difference between a well-dressed cyclist and a scruffy guy on a unicycle?
A: Attire (a tire)
-
:( :( :(
-
Q: Why did the Prime Minister of England make her resignation effective June 7?
A: Because if she were to reswign this week, it would be the END of May!
(source of joke/pun: https://www.businessinsider.com/theresa-may-resigns-as-prime-minister-and-conservative-leader-2019-5)
-
lol
-
:-X
-
Q: what is the medical term for owning too many dogs ?
A: A Roverdose
-
:'(
-
Question: What do you call a pretty pumpkin?
Answer: Gourdgeous
-
:'(
-
What do you call a Bear with no teeth
A Gummy Bear
-
Egawds... :'(
-
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
-
*Groans*
-
Q: Why do Seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because, if they flew over the bay, they'd be Bagels!
-
:'(
-
#BADJOKEALERT
Q: What did the alien say to the soda bottle?
A: Take me to your liter (leader)
-
*Calls some Eskimos to club you like a baby seal.*
-
Q: Where do you buy missing chess pieces?
A: Pawn Shop
-
These are not improving bro...
-
what is the difference between bird flu and swine flu
one requires tweetment and the other one requires onikment .
-
Ubara... smack your girl.
-
What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo ?
one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter !!
-
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothig happen. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requestion the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill, as this world appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $ 5.00 and sat down to write a thank- you not to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money, However I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks took $95 of it.
-
Q: What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac
A: The literalist takes things literally and the kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
(image from Facebook where I found it)
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/68366837_10102749893264263_5760026837333835776_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQkaMIqo41cpOwfgFSXFMj-RLhAS13JYR-tV50aDqqxYaP2wPiL71CCptvxB7CIMwx6cB36EyUAPFFI_F5E_4yUP&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=3a72fc0bba359054551cee30e96d85da&oe=5DA01474)
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What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo ?
one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter !!
Ubara... smack her again.
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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothig happen. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requestion the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill, as this world appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $ 5.00 and sat down to write a thank- you not to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money, However I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks took $95 of it.
LOL This one I liked!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
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Q: What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac
A: The literalist takes things literally and the kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Meh... a slight improvement. LOL
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Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta!
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what do ya call a zoo with out dogs ?
a shitzu
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Ubara... smack Rick AND flame.
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A truck carrying strawberry preserves tipped over and spilled its load on the freeway causing a real traffic JAM
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A truck carrying strawberry preserves tipped over and spilled its load on the freeway causing a real traffic JAM
Et Tu Nathaniel? :o
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I may as well join in the levity
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And the beatings from my Ubara are legendary!!!!! ;D
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Q: What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
A: If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
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smiles
3 pepole walk down the street the first 2 walk into a bar the third one ducked.
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:'( :'( :'(
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Q: What did 0 say to 8?
A: Nice belt!
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grumpy joe the loser was asked to leave the local pub because happy hour was about to start
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joke from my stepdad:
Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
A: Velcro
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grumpy joe the loser was asked to leave the local pub because happy hour was about to start
:'(
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joke from my stepdad:
Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
A: Velcro
*Facepalms*
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thank you thank you I am on every night
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Miley Cyrus was told she had to improve her image she said I will twerk on it soon
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Miley Cyrus was told she had to improve her image she said I will twerk on it soon
"Let me see... I KNOW I put that ball-bat around here somewhere..."
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oh, baseball ok, just remember who is on first, what is the name of the guy on secomd and I dont know is on third
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*Located my shotgun instead* Heh heh heh...
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just remember if you take that gun with you in a boat and see a snake in the boat do not try to shoot the snake or you may end up wet
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just remember if you take that gun with you in a boat and see a snake in the boat do not try to shoot the snake or you may end up wet
A snake in the boat just means more bait.
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not if you try to shoot it and sink the boat lol
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Why would I want to use dead bait?
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hey, if you are addicted to cars would you have to go to the henry ford clinic?
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...Izee' and Tisiphone go to the Baker's wagon to purchase some items. The Baker has set out numerous fresh loaves, and Izee' selects rolls, cookies, and other items for her 'Barrack'...(Her wagon that is also home to her 7 youngest children). Tisiphone is eager for some fresh bread, lathered with whipped verr butter, but the Baker says to the 5 year old, "Wait until I slice it, hon." Tisiphone, impatient by nature, :( pulls her Mother's long scramasaxe from the horizontal sheathe at Izee's back, and awkwardly swings it down on a row of fresh bread. Izee' snatches back the weapon, and swats Tisiphone on her butt, and apologizes to the Baker. ??? The Baker looks at the scramasaxe...and then the sliced loaves...and says to Izee'...
"Sis, tell me where I can get my own 'Four Loaf Cleaver'..." ::)
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lol
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hey, if you are addicted to cars would you have to go to the henry ford clinic?
I am a MOPAR Man.
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...Izee' and Tisiphone go to the Baker's wagon to purchase some items. The Baker has set out numerous fresh loaves, and Izee' selects rolls, cookies, and other items for her 'Barrack'...(Her wagon that is also home to her 7 youngest children). Tisiphone is eager for some fresh bread, lathered with whipped verr butter, but the Baker says to the 5 year old, "Wait until I slice it, hon." Tisiphone, impatient by nature, :( pulls her Mother's long scramasaxe from the horizontal sheathe at Izee's back, and awkwardly swings it down on a row of fresh bread. Izee' snatches back the weapon, and swats Tisiphone on her butt, and apologizes to the Baker. ??? The Baker looks at the scramasaxe...and then the sliced loaves...and says to Izee'...
"Sis, tell me where I can get my own 'Four Loaf Cleaver'..." ::)
*Loads my shotgun*
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so if you are having truoble getting your rear in gear in the morning does this mean your body's
clutch has gone out?
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so if you are having truoble getting your rear in gear in the morning does this mean your body's
clutch has gone out?
I fried my clutch years ago. Now I just powershift.
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lol smilee happy to see you hetting in the spirit. Though certsin times of the dsy, I cannot power shift as my body experiences a power outage like say end of the day or when I wake up lol.
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You mean you actually sleep? :o
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well, I do this thing where I lie down at night and close my eyes and somehow when I get up it is morning though it could just be powering down like a computer or time traveling there is no proof that it is actually sleep smiles
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Well keep one eye open when you do this and see if you are sleeping. ::)
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...Izee', as a Panther Huntress, was wont to do things that only she understood. Her Lair Leader put up with most of her undertakings...Izee' was a skilled and superior Huntress...and her hobbies were usually harmless to the Lair, although difficult to understand. The Lair Leader was hard put to to just 'put up' when Izee' and her squad returned from a raid. :P The supplies and slaves were welcome...but Izee' had also brought back a HUGE CHAIR! :o The wooden chair had been made for a rich Torvie. In addition to the rare woods used, it was also trimmed with silver, gold, large gems, and luxurious cushions. The Lair Leader just shrugged, and Izee' had it placed near the central fire, where Izee' would sit at night...eating large roasted insects and drinking spring water...and joining in the conversations...and falling asleep in the chair.
However, once, when Izee' returned from a hunt...her chair was gone!!! Her sisters explained that men had stumbled onto the Lair, and the women had fled, taking only what they could carry...and the chair was just too heavy to carry away. The men had ransacked the Lair, and had taken the chair. Izee' got angry...she was very fond of the chair...and followed the men's tracks back to their village. It was a small village, and the structures were very rude, just wooden frames covered with dry grass. Izee' spotted her chair in one of the huts, and left to summon her Allies. Izee' had an understanding with a Tarnsman...the Lair provided his group with rare hides and raw gems they found...and the Tarnsmen gave the Panthers iron weapons, and wheels of cheese and bags of hard candies. She explained her problem to her friend, and he agreed to help. She climbed aboard his Tarn, sitting in front of him, and all of the Tarnsmen followed her directions to the village. :)
When they arrived, the Tarnsmen attacked the village, and the winds caused by the wings of their birds blew all of the grass from their structures...exposing Izee's chair. Everyone landed, and the Tarnsmen herded the villagers into a huddled group, and gathered valuables and slaves. Izee' selected two men, who had been in the raid on the Lair, to carry her chair back to the Lair, after which they would be sold as thralls. >:( One of them asked Izee', "Why did you attack us?" Izee' sniffed...and said...
"People, who live in grass houses, shouldn't stow thrones." :P
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lol
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a bus half full of lawyers went off a cliff the only downside was it was not full
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Q: Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
A: Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat!
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heard about a new gravy it has cleaning solution mixed in so if you get some on your clothes it cleans itself off smiles
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*Just shakes my head*
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sees the head shaking and am reminded that one only needs 2 toold if it does not move and is supposed to spray it with wd40 if it isnt supposed to move but does (like say a shaking head perhaps smiles) use duct tape to hold it in place lol just teasing you my friend
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Q: Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?
A: I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
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lol you know it is getting close to fall, the squirrels are gathering nuts, 3 of my relatives have vanished so far, I put out a notice to the squirrels on where to find the rest of them
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LOL
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Updated report on the squirrels, they met me but had no interest though they did try to take off with my brother
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Even squirrels will not waste time with bad nuts.
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lol dont worry, I sent them to your house next
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Q: Why did the M&M go to college?
A: He wanted to be a lil Smartie
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Q: Why did the M&M go to college?
A: He wanted to be a lil Smartie
:-X
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did you hear about the cat who got a job...of course not we all know cats are too lazy to work.
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did you hear about the cat who got a job...of course not we all know cats are too lazy to work.
True that!
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how do you call a cat and get it to come to you? you cant cats only do what they want
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how do you call a cat and get it to come to you? you cant cats only do what they want
Open cat food... cat is there.
Change liter-box... cat can't wait to climb in and take a shit.
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Q: What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A: Mississippi
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lol on the hippie and on the cat, the operative word was to get the cat to come to you by simply calling it which will not work smiles but yes, those are ways to get it to come toward you.
what is Irish amd stays out all night? patty o'furniture
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lol on the hippie and on the cat, the operative word was to get the cat to come to you by simply calling it which will not work smiles but yes, those are ways to get it to come toward you.
what is Irish amd stays out all night? patty o'furniture
*throws a whiskey bottle @ you*
I am NOT Patty.
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lol a woman carrying a pair of panties walks up to the manager of a hotel to complain that the express elevator is too fast. He asks what makes you say that?to which she holds up the panties and says, I was wearing these until I went in that elevator it went up so fast these came down.
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I too like express elevators. ::)
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which is better viagra or cialis hhmm thats a hard one lol
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Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage? He always fears the Wurst.
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even when it is the best of the wurst? lol
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how many cats does it take to change a lightbulb .... none they are too lazy besides they can nap better in the dark
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:'(
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my cat is so lazy she does not chase mice she just eats cheese, opens her mouth and waits for one to walk by looking for the cheese.
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:'(
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I think I just saw a mouse laughing at my cat for being so lazy.
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Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
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PRISM!!!!! Shoot them.
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Two fish swimming in a pond see a fishing lure one says to the other no way am I falling for that old line
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*Groans*
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Q: What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?
A: Nothing, it just lets out a little wine!
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someone asked me why I went fishing. I said for the halibut
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joke from my mom
Q: What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when he stepped on him?
A: ketchup
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:'(
These just made Jesus cry.
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whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo one is heavy the other is a little lighter
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:'(
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what do you call a cat tantrum ... a hissy fit
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:'(
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if fish spend so much time in school why are they so easy to catch
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Same reason our youth know nothing... they just gather together and learn nothing about actual survival in life.
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true nods
what do you call a cat that bowls?
an alley cat
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:(
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a new job just for cats has opened up subjects for a sleep study and who better for it than a cat
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Bears in winter. ;D
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lol good point
a guy goes into a cafe the hostess says I am sorry but here you must wear a coat and tie. The guy says I drove an hour to get here, I cannot go all the way home to change and come back. The hostess sighs and says wait here a moment. She returns with a sportcoat and says sometimes people leave their coats or ties here. I was able to gind this coat that should fit you but you still need a tie. The guy says just a moment. He goes to his car, looks in the trunk and comes back with jimpercables tied around his neck. She looks at him and says, I suppose that eill do, you can come in but dont start anything
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Q: What do you call a wizard that has run out of spells?
A: A was-ard!
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Q: What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase?
A: A branch manager!
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what do dogs eat for breakfast
pooched eggs
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NEW MATERIAL!!!!! >:( >:( >:(
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how is it that the black box never gets damged in a plane crash if they are so durable why not make the whole plane from the same material?
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Q: What do you call a cat that bowls?
A: An alley cat
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how is it that the black box never gets damged in a plane crash if they are so durable why not make the whole plane from the same material?
Good point. ???
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Q: What do you call a cat that bowls?
A: An alley cat
*Groans*
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ever notice the name boeing makes it sound like the plane bounced off the ground
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Q: Where do skunks go to pray?
A: The pew!
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Q: How did the hipster burn his mouth?
A: He sipped his coffee before it was cool!
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*Facepalms twice, because once just doesn't cover it.*
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Why do the flight crew have to explain that the seat cushions can be used as floatation devices when one is only flying over land? Do they want you to jump out holding the seat cushion so when you hit the ground and make the crater you will have yourbown tomb stone saying delta?
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I thought the aircraft tail was used for that... AFTER they rescue the unscathed black box of course.
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thats why you should always sit in the back of the plane if you get your tail on the tail you may just save your tail
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My luck I would survive the crash then be killed by the arriving emergency crews unable to get stopped.
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you may have the luck o the Irish with you
if they make trash bins out of rubbermade so they pop back into shape when damaged why not make cars out of it to?
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Ever see the contents of rubbermaid after being flattened? That is why. ;D
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lol
saw a woman once where the only one begging her to get married was her father (mostly yo get her out of the house)
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The Alfather does have a twisted sense of humor. He makes beautiful magnificent women, then turns them into wives.
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what kind of dog does dracula like best? a bloodhound
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:(
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how do 2 cats end a fight? they hiss and make up
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how do 2 cats end a fight? they hiss and make up
Naw... they pussy out.
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whats a cats favourite colour? purrrple
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>:(
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why do cats like to sit on the computer? To watch the mouse
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>:(
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what happens if a cat shows up at a dog show? a CATastrophe
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>:(
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what do you call a cat police officer? claw enforcement
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:'( :'(
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why do you have to pay so much money to ride in a vehicle where they have to show you how to put on a seatbelt? not to mention what good does it do if the plane crashes to be strapped to the wreckage anyway
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I don't wear one.... and it cuts down on witness lawsuits.
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lol
difference between dogs and cats
at the end of the day the dog says yay my owner is home the cat says you are late slave
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just think if adsm and eve would have been cajuns they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake instead
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Hey... snake is pretty good eatin'!!!!! :)
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better than an apple in this case lol
what is a cat's favourite game to play with a mouse? catch
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:(
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a guy with a green, orange, and yellow painted face who has a bird sitting on his head walks into a doctors office. When the doctor comes in asd asks what the problem is, the bird says can you tell me how to het this human off my feet?
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:(
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A woman brings her husband to the ER his face all bruised and cut up the nirse asks what happened? She says we were out digging a hole to plant a tree in the garden when he was stung on the forehead by a bee fortunately I was able to shoo the bee away with my shovel
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
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ROTFLMFTAO!!!!!
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every man should have a woman who is a good cook, a woman who is good in bed, a woman who listens to him, and a woman who looks good at his side, just always remember it is important that none of these women ever meet one another
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Ahhhh... life is good when one is Ubar... ;D
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why did the toilet paper roll down the hill.....it needed to get to the bottom
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:(
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a guy calls 911 to report that 2 girls are fighting over him, the dispatcher says why is thst a problem, he says because the one I dont like is winning
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*Chuckles*
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the police ask the dead guy's ex wife if she killed her ex. She replied no, he was killed by a bullet, which is made of lead, lead is a natural element, therefore he died of natural causes.
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A GUY BUYS HIS FIRST MOTORCYCLE.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting. A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house. Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break. After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her. Silence. Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table. Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance. The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'LL DO THE DISHES
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A GUY BUYS HIS FIRST MOTORCYCLE.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting. A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house. Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break. After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her. Silence. Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table. Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance. The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'LL DO THE DISHES
ROTFLMTAO!!!!!
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A guy and his girlfriend are setting up the password for their joint email account. The girlfirend falls over laughing when he tried to use mypenis as the pw and the computer said error not long enough.
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Uuuugh....
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you know how couples carve their initials in a tree, etc? my question is who takes a knife on a date and why? I mean are they daying freddy or jason, or maybe michael myers?
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Hooks bend, zippers get stuck. Hey... a knife on a date is like a can opener in a kitchen!!!!!
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thr shop owner's friend asks if there was any response to his advert for a night watchman, the shop owner says yes, we were robbed last night.
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:(
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my son wishes I had never seen star wars just because we named him after a character in the movie, chewbacca says people make fun of his name.
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LOL
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The doctor asks the patient so have you been sleeping with your window open like we discussed? the patient says yes. The doctor says so, is your bronchitis gone? The patient says no but my laptop and cell phone are
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LOL ;D
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3 drunks come out of a bar and get into a cab. The driver realises they are drunk and decides to scam them and make a quick buck so he says where to? The 1st drunk gives him an address. The driver says ok, starts the cab, drives 2 feet then stops and says we are here. The 1st drunk pays the driver for the entire trip the 2nd drunk tips the driver, the third drunk says are you nuts? The driver yhinks the drunk is onto him until he says you drove too fast are you trying to kill us? and got out to join his 2 friends.
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:(
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the doctor tells his patient we just got your test results and I am afraid it is bad news you only have 10 the patient says 10 what, years, weeks, days, the do tor says 9
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Heh heh heh... eight...
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the now 35 year old neice of 2 aunts was getting tired of them constantly telling she is next any time they went to a wedding together but now that her aunts are getting older she has started saying they may be next any time they go to a funeral
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:(
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2 doctors are discussing a patient while exiting the docto's loung in the er one was eating a doughnut as they walk, the get near the patient's room just out side the door one says to the one eating the doughnut your losing your nuts after notining a trail of crushed peanuts behind them. they did not notice the patient's door was open and hear him exclaim, no doc sew them back on quick.
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Egawds...
:(
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a doctor accidentally prescribes a laxative instead of s cough medicine for a patient a few days later the patient comes in for a follow up. The doctor asks if the patient is still coughing. The patient say I am afraid to.
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Now THAT makes sense and is GOSPEL!!!!!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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an eskimo offers to show his new friend his home. When they arrive at the site the friend says where is your igloo? the eskimo looks then says oh no my wife left the iron plugged in again.
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LOL
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a couple known for having marital problems found a solution that kept them together for 30 years. someone asked them the secret. He said oh, that was easy, I asked my boss to put me on the night shift, and well, with her working days, we only saw each other 10 minutes a day, no time to argue.
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*Thumbs up!!!!!* ;D
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I received a letter from a bill collector that said finsl notice. I thought good I am tired of hearing from them
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Q: What do you call a used cigarette wearing a patch?
A: A butt pirate!!!
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Q: Why did the pirate go to the Apple store?
A: To buy an iPatch! (Aye Patch)
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I received a letter from a bill collector that said finsl notice. I thought good I am tired of hearing from them
LOL ;) ;D
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Q: What do you call a used cigarette wearing a patch?
A: A butt pirate!!!
Ugh...
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Q: Why did the pirate go to the Apple store?
A: To buy an iPatch! (Aye Patch)
:( :( :( :(
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a husband and wife were eating, she spilled tomato sauce on her white shirt and exclaimed oh no, I look like a pug. Her husband replued not only that but you have tomato sauce on your shirt. Funeral services for him are being held tomorrow morning at 10
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Q: Why did the pirate go to the Apple Store?
A: To buy an iPatch (Aye Patch)
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Q: Why did the pirate go to the Apple Store?
A: To buy an iPatch (Aye Patch)
*Pokes you in the eye so you too can go buy an iPatch* ;D
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Two company owners are talking, one asks the other how is it that your employees are always on time every single morning. The other replies easy, 20 parking spots, 30 employees.
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Heh heh heh...
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a man confesses to his priest about having had an affair with an 18 yo girl. the priest tells him to squeeze 18 lrmons into a jar then drink the juice. The man says and that will remove my sin? The priest saus no but it will remove that grin from your face.
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😜😜Absolute Classic!!!😜😜
```An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask you a favor ?
'Of course child, What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought for my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
"With your face, Father, no one will question you"
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.."
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
"Go ahead, Father.
Next Please..."```
✌
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a patient tells the doctor he is starting to forget things. The doctor says how long has this been happening? The patient says how long has what been happening?
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:(
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Yesterday, I ate at a cafe whose food was so bad you not only pray before you eat, you pray after as well inly now it is that you make it to the bathroom in time.
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Been there done that!!!!!
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A new student in class explains his father's name is laughing, his mother's name is smiling, the teacher says you are joking, the boy says no, that is my brother, I am kidding.
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>:(
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my wife thought it was rude for me to yawn while she was talking, I was not yawning, I was trying to say something
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Q: Why can't a gypsy get his wife pregnant?
A: Because he has crystal balls!!!!
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:-X
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common sense is no longer a gift it is a punishment because you have to deal with so many who do not have it
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Unfortunate, but true.
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as this is halloween, I ought to mention I believe in things that go bump in the night, I bump into the coffee table, I bump into the couch, I bump into the wall I bump into ....
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LOL ;D
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a parachute is only needed for skydiving if you plan to do it more than once
-
a parachute is only needed for skydiving if you plan to do it more than once
And think about it... does it really make much sense to jump out of a perfectly good aircraft?
-
My friend has the hearr of a lion but was banned for life from the zoo
-
:(
-
one reason to never date anyone who plays tennis love means nothing to them
-
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again.
The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is:
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
-
LOL ;D
-
when the strawberry tried to cross the road it resulted in a traffic jam
-
>:(
-
I have a step ladder because my real ladder left
-
>:(
-
if a chicken coop had 4 doors instead of 2 would that make it a chicken sedan?
-
:(
-
what is the best name for a lawyer's daughter? sue
-
:(
-
an apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough
-
;)
-
two men were out hunting, one collapses and is not breathing, the other immediately calls 911 and reports that his hunting partner is dead, the 911 operator says ok calm down 1st make sure he is dead, there is silence on the phone for a second, then a loud bang is heard, he comes back on the phone and says ok, now what?
-
Heh heh heh...
-
I jist left my job, I coupd no longer work there after what my manager said to me, he said you are fired
-
:(
-
a small child sees his mothers tampons on the bathroom counter and asks where they go. she replies where babies come from, he says they go in the stork?
-
:'(
-
why are farmers always picking on their crops?
-
Why are farmers always picking on their crops?
-
a guy randomly walks into a shop and looks about he notices all of the shelves are empty he aska an employee if the store recently opened and is just getting set up the employee says no we have been here for years the guy says oh so are you closung down then the employee says no not at all the guy looks about at all of the empty shelves and says well surely you cannot do much business with all the shelves being empty the employee says on the contrary we do quite well the guy says how can that be all of your shelves are empty whst do you sell the employee says we sell shelving units
-
*Facepalms*
-
Sam had a tree fort in his yard someone came in and told him he was being immature. Sam replied to his wife get iut if my fort.
-
He forgot the sign, "No GIRLZ!!!!!"
-
If you are cold stand in a corner for a while because a corner is 90 degrees
-
Looks around for the sparklie ones special weapons of choice....( time to empty the chamber pots I think....sigh)
If you are cold stand in a corner for a while because a corner is 90 degrees
-
;D
-
does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
-
>:(
-
hey I did 3 sets of crunches this morning no dude those are called crullers and you ate 6 of them
-
;D
-
I am never sure how I feel since I lost my mood ring
-
PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
-
PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
ROTFLMTAO!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
-
women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make the they call me poor and ugly
-
Find a better class of woman. ;)
-
drink responsibly means dont spill it
-
;D ;)
-
late night outaide of a bar that was about to close a coo is watching the pateons as they exit looking for potential drunk drivers. He spots a guy coming out who is ataggering all over the parking lot holding what appears to be car keys in hus hand. The cop focuses his attention on the guy even as other patrons come put and leave. The guy finally makes his way to to a car, fumbles with his keys trying to get in as the cop keepa watching him. Finally, the guy is the last ine in the parking lot, he gets into his car adm starts it. The cop thinks ok this is my chance, this guy is way too drunk to drive so he pulls into the parking lot behind the guy with his lights on. The cop gets out of his car goes up to the guy and goes through the usual, license, regiatration, etc. The cop smells inaide the car but does not smell any alcohol. He has the guy get out of the car and put him through eveey sobriety test he knows, the guy aces them all. Finally, the cop does a portably breath test on the guy who blows 0.00. The cop says I dont get it you were staggering all over the place loke you were completely drunk yet here you are sober, what gives. The guy says oh, that, well you see, I did not drink anything tonight as I was the designated decoy to keep you busy while the others left.
-
SCORE!!!!! ;D
-
doc you just have to write me a prescription for these the keep me from being depressed I am sorry but I cannot justify writing you a prescription for those, it is not medically needed but doc they make me so happy no, there is just no way I can write you a presciption for tacos but it is impossible for me to be sad when holding a taco no, I cannot justify it. doc you seem to be getting upset here have a taco
-
>:(
-
a guy is out driving, a cop pulls him over and begins a series of sobriety tests on him as it is late at night and the road he is on is known for drunk drivers. The guy says officer, honestly, I habe not had a drink in days
I can prove it. The cop says how? The guy says I am a juggler, and I juggle chain saws let me show you. The guy pulls a case from the trunk as the cop watches him closely and inspects the tunk and case to make sure there are no weapons. The officer allows the guy to do his juggling act and is facinated. The guy finishes. The officer says ok, you must be sober to do that. As they are talking another car pulls up behind the cop car, a man gets out of the driver seat, gsets into the back seat of the cop car and closes the door. The cop walks over to the guy in the back of the car and says what is this about. The guy says I saw you with the guy and the chainsaws if that is how you do sobriety tests now, jist go ahead and run me in to the station.
-
LOL
-
I do not have a drinking problem, I drink, I fall down, I stimble up, no problem
-
:-\
-
a drunkard stumbles home from the local bar stopping along the way at a liquor store to pick up one more bottle. He slips the bottle into his pocket then continues home. He falls on the way up the stairs into the house. He feels liquid on his hip. He quickly checks it and finds it is a bit of blood from a cut. He says thank goodness I yhought I had broken my last bottle.
-
:(
-
a guy runs into a bar looking very stressed and says to the barkeep give me a drink quick before it starts. the barkeep pours him a drink, the guy gulps it down and asks for another before it starts. the barkeep complies but asks before what starts? in walks the guys wif eand starts yelling at him. the guy says it just started.
-
Forget the drink, hand me the street-sweeper you keep behind the bar. 8)
-
CHRISTMAS TRADITION EXPLAINED:🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄
In early December, four of Santa's elves got sick. When the trainee elves could not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa began to feel some Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus mentioned that her Mother was coming to visit, stressing Santa even more.
He went to harness the reindeer, and found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had gotten loose and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then, when he began load-testing the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked; the bag of toys fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went back in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
Opening the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, breaking it into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He got the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom
Just then the doorbell rang. An irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, only to find a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The Angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
You're welcome.
-
ROTFLMTAOPML!!!!!
-
a guy walks into a bar and makes a bet with the barkeep for every drink he can identify, he gets a free drink. The barkeep takes the guy up on the bet, he gives the guy one mixed drink after another, no matter what he putd in it, the guy can identify it and keeps getting free drinks. The barkeep gets fed up with this as he is tired of giving the guy free drinks, the barkeep steps away for a bit then returns and hands the guy another drink. He tskes one sip and says hey this is pea, the barkeep says yes, but who's?
-
*Gags*
-
to all who celebrated Thanksgiving did you remember to set your scale back 10 lbs before weighing after eating such a large meal?
-
...Eating my THIRD helping of turkey, cornbread stuffing, and gravy WITH the guts...(I am the ONLY one in my Family who likes chopping up the heart, liver, and gizzard, and frying them and adding them to the gravy...I get my own bowl of gravy...and I enjoy calling out, in my very calm, professional, and refined voice at the formal table...we use our fine china and silverware for this meal..."Please pass me the Guts Gravy)" :o
...What is a scale? I threw ALL of them away three Thanksgivings ago..."Lying pieces of anti feminine technology" I cursed as I did the deed... >:(
...My weight doesn't change too much after the dinner...it is the leftovers that make my midrift enlarge...Turkey sandwiches...Turkey with bacon...Turkey on crackers...and just Turkey!!! *S* I have claimed the HORRIBLE task of carving the Turkey the last two years...my Brother in Law just said..."Go ahead...it is a horrible task." I gave Him my best 'pained expression', and said..."I agree, but you are at my House, I should do the drudgery." Carving a Turkey is drudgery...but...I compensate by 'Tasting' to make sure the Turkey is servable. Wrapping a piece of Turkey in the skin...and soaking it in the drippings...and eating it...OMG!!! ;D
...So, I am not very hungry when I sit at the table...but...I force myself to eat in order to stay polite... ::)
...Happy Thanksgiving to all...and I pray that you are all had a wonderful Holiday. :)
-
it was black friday, there was a line wrapped four deep all the way around a local shop. A man cuts through the line to the front door. He is thrown to the back of the line rather roughly. He tries again to get to the front of the line and the doors. Again he is thrown to the back of the line more roughly than before. He tries a thrid time, with the same results. He says that's it one more time and if this happens again, I am not opening the shop today vlack friday or no black friday.
-
Solution; Throw him through the doors and enter.
-
I shot my first turkey the other day but you should have seen the look of surprise on the shoppers in the frozen food aisle when I did it.
-
*Facepalms*
-
I know hownto turn autocorrect off on my phone but have yet to figure out how to turn off my wife's autocorrect feature
-
Try your turkey shooting technique.
-
Just say no to drugs...If you are talking to drugs you already said yes
-
:-\
-
the doctor asks the patient have you been sleeping next to an open window like I suggested. payient, yes. doctor so is the bronchitis gone? pstient no, the inly thing gone are my laptop and my tv
-
Sounds like my neighborhood now.
-
a teacher asked the students who do you think invented dancing? one child says I do not know but I bet it was someone with a large family and only 1 bathroom
-
*Chuckles*
-
a teacher asks her class where the declaration of independence was signed one young boy says on the bottom
-
Well... he does have a point.
-
A teacher points a ruler at a student and says at the end of this ruler is a dummy. The student says which end?
-
;D
-
A teacher stands in front of her class and says ok, which of you thinks you are not smart enough to pass my class, stand up now. She remains standing for 15 minutes without saying anything. Finally a boy stands up. The teacher says so you think you cannot pass my class? The boy says oh, I know I can pass, I just did not want you to be the only one standing up thinking you were not smart.
-
LOL Teacher's pet.
-
ever been in a store's changing room to try on clothes then suddenly hear someone in the one next to you complain that there is no toilet paper in there?
-
Where in the hell do you shop?????
-
what do you call a group of chess players tslking about their favorite game in a hotel lobby?
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
-
*Wonders where I stored those impalement stakes*
-
a man comes home and announces to his wife that he has just won the lottery and tells her to pack a bag. She says for warm or cold weather, I mean where are we going? he says not we, just you and I do not care just pack and go.
-
LOL
-
a guy on a bus tells another passenger I have been riding this bus to work for 15 years. The other guy says that is onenlong commute where dis you board the bus?
-
*GROANS*
-
a man reads a news article to his wife that says women use twice as many words as men his wife replies ues because every time we say something you say what and we have to repeat it, he says what?
-
Heh heh heh...
-
an elderly man says yo his wife why do you have a suppository in your ear? she checks and says well at least now I know where my hearing aid is.
-
LOL ;D
-
a man wakes up and tells his wife he had a lovely dream about a walk on the beach. She says well that explains the foot prints in the cats litterbox
-
LOL
-
my wife really knows how to hold a grudge she asked me to hand her her lip balm, by mistake, I handed her the superglue she has not spoken to me since
-
"ITS A MIRACLE!!!!!"
-
an elephant sees a naked man and asks how can you feed yourself with that....
-
*Facepalms* It is a fountain dispenser, just ask my Woman.
-
a woman is happy when her son unexpectedly guves her a hug until he yells to his father you're she did gain weight
-
Ummm... Deceased Son.
-
a man's wife asks him to pick their son up from preschool. when he gets home he tells her he boy had been crying all the way home is something wrong with him? she says no he was trying to tell you he is not our son you licked up the wrong boy
-
DOH!!!!! *Facepalms*
-
a wife tells her husband she will be down shortly that she is putting on her make up he replies you do not need make up she says that is sweet of you he then says though plastic surgery on thenother hand... funeral services will be held tomorrow afternoon via a closed casket
-
Never, EVER say this to a free Woman of Gor.
Trust me on this. Unless of course you wish to sing first soprano in the Vienna Boys Choir.
-
a robber is holding up a bank on the way out he asks a customer did you see me rob this bank the customer says yes so the robber shot him he asks another customer the same thing the customer says I fid not see a thing but my wife here says she saw everything
-
LOL
-
a mans wife asked him to get dome pills that would garuntee he would be able to perform with her again the next day he handed her a bottle of diet pills he is now recovering in hospital
-
Like that was not expected...
-
A police officer tells the guy he pulled over your tail lights are out, your bumper is half off and your tires need to be replaced that will cost you $300 the man says gee that is cheaper than the mechanic wants for it so go ahead
-
;D
-
a police officer pulled me over I stopped he walks up to my window and says papers I held up my hand with 1st 2 fingers extended and said scissors I win then drove off he must want a rematch though as he is behind me again with his lights on
-
Chuckles...
-
what do you get when you cross a shark with a cow? I do not know but would not try to milk it
-
Hey... even male sharks need fun too!!!!! ;D
-
the shiw salesman tells a cuatomer these shoes may feel a little tight the 1st two weeks but should be fine by the 3rd week. The customer says ok I will wait until the 3rd week to wear them then.
-
:'(
-
why isnt a man allowed to habe 2 wives because the constitution protects us against cruel and unisial punishment
-
LOL Preach it!!!!!
-
Did you hear about the cops who came across a pastry truck that tipped over on the interstate?
It was a DOUGH-tal catastrophe
-
that which does not kill you usually will at least put you in the er
-
Did you hear about the cops who came across a pastry truck that tipped over on the interstate?
It was a DOUGH-tal catastrophe
*Shoots you in the foot* LOL
-
Whispers in Master Raz's ear....did you hear what he said about cops????
Then scrams
-
a man's wife yells you left the seat up didnt you hear me fall in the man entering the bathroom says of course I did, I came in to flush
-
LOL
-
what is the one food that lowers a womans sex drive by 90% and causes her to gain weight rapidly whuch should be avoided at all costs? wedding cake
-
*Facepalms*
-
a man asks a farmer if it is ok if her cuts across his field rsther than going around it as he has to catch the 430 train the farmer says it is ok with him but if he sees the bull he may catch the 400 train
-
;D
-
an elderly man was on the opersting table his son, a famous surgeon is about to perform the operation. thebelderly man says just remeber son if anything goes wrong here today your mother is coming to live with you.
-
LOL
-
an airhead taking a shower complains that she cannot use the shampoo because her hair is wet and the bottle says it is for dry hair
-
*Gives serious consideration to giving you a dry shampoo enema for this one.*
-
I miss having a landline anytime I try to slam down my cell phone in a sales caller I break my phone
-
IMPALE TELEMARKETERS!!!!!
Then we get serious!!!!!
-
a man had a bad fight with his wife he wanted to go on holiday to Paris and she wanted to go with him which is what started the argument
-
Understandable.
My Grandfather and Uncle went to France and left their Women at home. It was during the First World War, but that is beside the point.
-
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A Private Tutor!
-
Q: What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large!
-
Rick... are you off your meds again? LOL
-
a wife asked her husband if she looked fat he said wait 5 minutes while I walk around to your front he is now in the er.
-
In regards to Iranian General Soleimani's death. Did you know he had blue eyes? One eye blew over here and the other eye blew over there.
-
ROTFLMAO!!!!!
-
my qife and I have been married for 40 years and never once did either of us think or tall about divorce, murder yes, divorce never
-
Sounds logical!!!
-
a man and wife are looking out over the ocean while on holiday. The man asks his wife if she likes the view she says it makes her speechless. The man immediately arranged to extend the holiday by 3 more weeks
-
LOL
-
the secretary says I did not expect you today as it is the day of your mpther in laws funeral the man says well you know work 1st then fun
-
:-X ::)
-
it has been said one cannot live without love though I find one cannot live without oxygen
-
Love does come in handy, oxygen... meh.
But SEX... that is essential!!!!!
-
Q: What is the Black Substance between an Elephants toes ?
A: Slow Natives
-
So um Rick... when was the last time you did one of these toe inspections? :o
-
having a wife is like trying to read the terms of service when installing a new program eventually you give up and just agree with whatever it was
-
Like hell!!!!!
-
I know my neighbour is stalking me she keeps looking up my name on google, I know this because I keep seeing her do so through my binoculars
-
;D
-
I went out dressed all in black, someone asked me who died I lookee at them, smiled and said I habe not decided yet
-
Sounds like... me. *G*
-
the job interviewer said we are looking for someone who is responsible. I said then that would be me, at my last job whenever something went wrong they said I was responsible
-
*Groans*
-
father to son son you were adopted son what, I knew it, I want to meet my bioliogical parents father we are your biological parents now go pack your new parents will be here shortly
-
LOL
-
it bothers me that homeless people shake their cups full of change at me do they have to remind me that they have more money than I do
-
In some cases, they do!!!!!
-
my 16 yo said she made a discovery that backing a car up rapidly into a tree greatly reduces the trunk capacity I was afraid to ask her how she learned this nor do I want to see her car at the moment
-
:-X
-
why did you steal that car I had to get to work why didnt you take the bus I dont have a license to drive buses
-
Makes sense to me.
-
2 friends go camping it is chilly out so they decide to share the same tent to help stay warm during the night one wakes up and says hey what are you doing the other says just trying to warm my hands betweehn these two pillows the other says those are NOT pillows
-
:-X
-
an officer pulls over a man driving at 1 am who had obviously had something to drink. the ifficer asks where are you going at this lay hour? the man says to a lecture on the evils of drinking. the officer says who would give a lecture like that at this time of nigjt? the man says my wife
-
LMTAO!!!
-
the doctor asked the whimpy patient if he did any dangerous activities the patient replied well sometimes I talk back to my wife
-
The Doc inquired about dangerous... not lethal.
Check with my Ubara Sana NightStorm.
-
dicher, quick and hyde divorce attorneys
-
*Facepalms*
-
I made the mistake of going to the store while hungry, I am now the proud owner of everything on aisle 7
-
I have been in touch with that emotion many times.
-
a sister asks her brother would you say I am pretty or ugly the brother says both, you are pretty ugly
-
LOL
-
I use recipie books like a menu, I look at them decide which one sounds best then look for a resteraunt that sells it and have them make it for me
-
:-\
-
the weather girl is giving the snow forecast she says we are expecting 3 inches of snow though her husband would call it 8
-
*Facepalms*
-
what kind of tea do psychologists prefer? insanitea
-
Have you been taking Rick's medication?
-
wife, I am sick of your comments about my weight, I am leaving you. Husband what about our child? wife what child? Husband you mean you are not pregnant? he came to 3 days later in the hospital
-
ROTFLMTAO!!!!! ;D
-
I asked my ex wife to remarry me, she said no, she figured out I was just after my money
-
;D
-
it has been raining out for three days my wife seens depressed by it she keeps peering through the window if this keeps up I will have no choice but to let her in
-
LOL Why?
-
a little girl attending a wedding for the first time asks her mother why the bride is all in white, the mother says because it is the happiest day of her life a d she is celebrating. The little girl thinks for a moment then asks ok then why is the man dressed all in black?
-
Smart little girl!!!!!
-
A wife asks her husband what he is getting her for their upcoming 25th anniversary. The husband says a trip yo Thailand. She says wow how will you top that for our 50th anniversary? He says by sending you a return ticket.
-
LOL ;D
-
a man noticed his credit card had been stolen but he did not bother reporting it because the thief was spending less than his wife did on it.
-
LOL
-
a man and woman are watching a variety show, a vantriloqist comes on woth his dummy. The woman says why is it all vantriloquists seem to be men? the man says well you know that the vantruloquist csnnot move his lips and I have never known a woman who could keep her mouth shut. he now has is jaw wired shut but the doctor says his jaw should heal properly in a few months.
-
:(
-
a teenaher comes home, his mother asks what he did all day, he says mom I really do not feel like talking about it but you can watch the news tonight to learn all about it.
-
THAT sure sounds familiar...
-
the teacher tells a student you know you cannot sleep in my class. The student says I know but maybe if you did not talk so loud I could.
-
LOL
-
a boy tells his parents there is a special adults only meeting as his school later that evening. His father says what do you mean adults only? the boy says only you, mom, the principal, teacher, and a couple of cops are invited
-
This TOO sounds familiar. LOL ::)
-
an english teacher asks her class what is wrong with this sentence, I havent had no fun in weeks? no ome raises their hand so she calls on a student, he responds well, I would say it means you need a new boyfriend.
-
LOL
-
a young boy is caught making faces at the girls in his class, his teacher pulls him aside and says you know, when I was your age, anytime I made a face at someone, I was told my face would get stuck like that and I would looknodd the rest of my life. The boy says well, at least you were warned
-
LOL
-
a young boy is late for class. The teacher asks him why he is tardy. The boy says well, on my way to school, I saw a man who had lost his wallet. The teacher said oh, so you stopped to help him find it then? The boy said not exactly, I had to stand on it until he left.
-
I like how that boy thinks. *G*
-
a cop pulls over a van full of elderly people. He says why are you only going 25 on the freeway? The driver says I just past a sign that said 25. The cop sayd no, that is the freeway number not the speed limit. He then looks in the back and says what is wrong with them, they are all pale and have a death grip on the seats. The driver sheepishly says well we just got off highway 108
-
JDL!!!!! ;D
-
Q: Why did the lion broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Because she was a cheetah!
-
Heh heh heh...
-
an american scientist finally figured out what a woman wants unfortunately she has since changed her mind
-
Ain't that the truth.
-
a hudband had been looking closely at the marriage license for an hour, his wife asked him why he spent so long looking at it, he said I eas trying to find the expiration date
-
He is headed for the ER.
-
a husband says he and his wife had a very happy 20 years before they met
-
Meh...
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Q. What do you call a monk who opens a flower shop?
A. A florist friar.
-
:-X
-
a husband and wife were having problems so a friend suggested he treat his wife like he did when they were dating and have a date night. So that night he took his wife to a movie then dropped her off at her parents house.
-
;D
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a wofe asks her husband if it is ok for her to go out in the dress she is wearing, he looks out the window and say yes, ut is dark enough.
-
And here comes the pain.
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a husband and wife had a bad fight but it ended with her coming to him on her hands and knees saying come out from under that sofa you coward
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a man goes to the police station to report that his wife is missing. The officer asks how long has she been missing. The man says about 4 weeks. The officer says she has been missing 4 weeks and you are just now reporting it, why did you wait so long? The man says I just now ran out of clean clothes and she is the one that does the laundry.
-
LOL
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a man received a call from the doctors that his wife was in the hospital. He asked how she id, the doctor said she is critical, the man said what is she complaining about now?
-
:o
-
a reporter goes to interview a hen who has just set a record by laying a 2lb egg, the reporter asks what are your plans for the future she says to lay a 4 lb egg. The reporter then asks the rooster and you, what of your plans? The rooster says I plan to kill that stupid ostrich.
-
LOL
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2 guys go on a hike in the woods, one is carrying a gun, the other a large rock, the one with the rock asks the other one ehat the gun is for, he says in case we run into a wild animal, I can shoot it and escape. He then asks the other ine what the rock is for, he says in case we run into a wild animal. The guy with the gun says a rock will not do much good against a wikd animal, the one with the rock says no but it will knock you out long enough for me to get the gun shoot the animal and run away.
-
Heh heh heh... One need not be the swiftest, only more swift than the slowest among them.
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I received a wedding invitation from my sister. I wrote back and sorry I cannot make it maybe next time knowing your track record.
-
OUCH!!!!! ;D
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A truck loaded with Vicks vapor rub overturnesd on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
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Where I got joke from
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/86857571_2798615846888863_3254639669022818304_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_oc=AQmoOazKCCCFFkAHp53trLGCoUmnvqIGMhegZQvItRQ8AJc9_pEgwx5tCTAqEe09fTw6Pljzosss1yj7dAB0uHnb&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=a527ec0409ed57be44d2d942ca73e0e9&oe=5EBFA8B4)
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;D
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a man gets fed up with receiving wrong directions from his gps he yells at it to go to heck 20 minutes later he finda he is in front of his ex wifes house
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:-[
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an older man is in a store looking at computers then is heard to say nah these old things would never handle it. A salesperson hears him and walks over then says sir these are the latest, fastest model of computer available they can handle most any task. The man says I wasnt talking about the computers, I was talking about my old hands trying to type on them.
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LOL I am in touch with that emotion.
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a young couple are sitting together on a bench in the park. The girl says her ear hurts so the boy kisses it and asks how it is now. She says it is better but now my neck hurts. The boy kisses her neck and asks how it is. She says it feels much better but now it hurts here and points toward her cleavage. An older man sitting on a nearby bench who had witnessed all of this says hey young man do you heal hemorroids too?
-
And were it me, they would bury the old man the next day.
-
a long haired greasy biker goes to a barber the barber looks at him for a few minutes then says ok are you here for a hiarcut or do you just need the oil changed?
-
Aaaaaaaaaaaand the barber was buried the next day.
-
scientists have isolated 3 reasons men frquent bars 1. they do not have a woman 2. a woman just broke up with them 3. they have a woman
-
And they bury those falling into category 3 the next day.
-
a man is in his drs pffoce, the dr says your liver tests are even worse than the last ones which is shocking conaidering I only allow you 1 glass of wine per week The man says you do not think you are my inly dr do yiu?
-
;D
-
A grave digger comes home more exhausted than usual. His wife asks what happened to you? He says we were burying someone's mother in law and there was so much applause that we had to do 8 encores with pulling her up and lowering her back down.
-
LOL In this case, cremation WOULD be the way to go. She is dead, so she will not be bitching about it!!!
-
a woman asks her friend your cellar stairwell does not have a light what would you do if you asked your husband down stairs to get a sack of potatoes and he fell and broke his neck? The woman said I guess I would jiat have to make pasta.
-
Laughs go here, not facts. LOL
-
the difference between the words complete and finished if you marry the right woman you are complete if you marry the wrong woman you are finiahed if you marry the right woman and she catches you with another woman you are completely finished.
-
And buried the next day.
-
an older man asks his wife if it bothers her that he chases younger girls. The wife says no, I just compare you to our dog chasing cars he does not stand a chance of catching one and neither do you.
-
OW!!!!!! What a bitch!!!!!
-
Q: Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
A: Becausae Dawn is tough on Greece!
(meme I got it from)
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p640x640/84026277_10156583199155806_1687270901436907520_o.jpg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_oc=AQkT9o2otzfFNFc7DzY0Y9NXpB-w_pgOoROSoWcMugy-dgHpX22RvjPUUSS2XG4MdwzdQNWpB7ZaZfme1aY2zsRA&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&_nc_tp=6&oh=3ef8f6b69191c950a387b516ecd56241&oe=5EEE6AB0)
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And they buried Greece the next day. ;D
-
husband to wife what would you say to a nice walk? She responds she would love it. He says great bring back some chips and a 2 liter of pepsi on your way back.
-
Aaaaaaaaaand they buried the hubby the next day.
-
a woman asks her boyfriend if she is his dream girl he says oh that and more. about 40 lbs more they never found the body.
The last book I read would have been better if they left it as a tree.
-
Rumor has it they found his body when burying another... the next day.
-
when a couple is 1st married and the wife asks the husband to strip it is to have sex. A few later it is so she can try to get pregnant. However it reaches a point where it just means she needs more clothes to fill the washing machine.
-
Bitches... bury them the next day.
-
dont you hate when you are at someones house and they keep asking stupid questions like who are you why are you wearing a mask and why do you have a gun
-
Duct tape usually takes care of that. If you are in a hurry..... dead men tell no tales.
And they are buried the next day.
-
a man goes to work sick. His boss sees him and says you know when I am sick I go home and let my wife take csre of me if you know what I mean with a wink. Why dont you do the same thing. The man gets up and leaves. The next morning the boss sees the employee who is in better spirits. The boss says so you took my advice then? The employee says yes, thank you, by the way you have a really nice house.
-
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the Boss buried the man and his wife the next day.
-
during confession a man says he sinned with an 18 yo girl. The priest tells him to squeeze 18 lemons into a glass and drink the juice. The man says so that will cleanse me of the sin? The priest says no but it will remove that stupid grin from your face.
-
And they buried the Priest the next day.
-
what do a handgrenade and a marriage have in common? in either case if you remove the ring something is going to explode
-
Never remove the ring. Just bury her the next day.
-
a couple are eating pasta she accidentally spills some of the sauce on her top. She saus oh my, I look like a pig. The man says not only that but you have sauce on your shirt.
-
And the man was buried the next day. Rumor has it that it was NOT pasta sauce on his shirt.
-
a couple goes to a cafe, she excuses herself to use the rest room. The man orders a beer from the waiter, the waiter says what about your wife, do you want a beer for her too? the man says you know that sounds like a good deal, I will take it.
-
When she found out, they buried two guys and a couple beers the next day.
-
a man asks his doctor how he can live to be 100 the doctor asks do you smoke, no do you drink, no do you have sex with many women, no do you eat red meat, no then why would you want to live to be a 100?
-
And they buried both the next day.
-
Q: Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game?
A: All the fans left!
-
And they buried the Stadium the next day.
-
a man said his wife's singing is so bad any time she tries to ding he goes out to mow the lawn so the neighbours do not think they are fighting, he has the shortest lawn in the city
-
They buried his wife's vocal instructor the next day.
-
a private in the army says he had lost his rifle so the sgt. fined him $900 to pay for the loss. The private said I now know why navy captains go down with their ships.
-
And the SGT buried the PVT the next day.
-
teen says mom when am I going to get my period already, I mean I am 19 and jenny got hers at 12, mom says Danny how many times do I have to tell you, you are never going to have a period, you are a boy
-
Change his name to Daniella and bury him the next day.
-
my friend said when they drink coffee, they cannot sleep, I said I have the opposite problem when I sleep, I cannot drink coffee
-
Hides an axe and shovel behind my back.... "Coffee...?"
-
wife to husband wait for me dear while I put on my make up husband you do not need make up wife oh that is so sweet of you to say husband the money would be better spent on plastic surgery instead wife hello 911 I would like to report a murder
-
Yup... the hubby was buried the next day.
-
the movie theatre filed charges against a guy for sneaking his own snacks into the movie. After legal fees and fines, he is still $10 ahead from if he had bought snacks from the theatre's concession stand.
-
And they buried the movie theater manager the next day.
-
this morning I picked up my coffee cup and the handle broke off, I then picked up my brief case and aure enough the handle proke off of it too, next I got into my car and as I opened the door, you guessed it, the handle broke off, now I am really worried as I have to take a leak ....
-
Guess what you will be burying the next day.
-
a man asks a woman if she would sleep with him for $100 she said certsinly not what do you think I am the man says too bad, I could really use the money
-
They buried the man the next day.
-
a little child says mommy why were you jumping up and down on daddys tummy last night? thinking quickly the mother says well daddy is trying to lose weight and I was trying to help by squeezing some if the air out 9f his tummy. The child shakes his head and says it wont work mommy, every day while you are shopping the lady next door comes over and blows him back up again.
-
The hubby and the lady next door were buried the next day.
-
a wife goes to see a psychologist about her husband, she says he has been behaving rather oddly lately, every morning he drinks his coffee but then he eats the mug, well, all except the handle. The psychologist says yes that is odd, the hande is the best part.
-
The wife made him eat the handle, and after she watched him choke to death, buried him the next day.
-
a couple in their 60s are walking on the beach they have been married for 40 years. A magician appears in front of them and offers them each one wish for which he will cast a spell to grant. The woman says, I have always wanted to see Hawaii and stay there for a vacation. The magician says no problem saya an incantstion and poof hands her 2 tickets to Hawaii and a 14 day prepaid hotel stay. The magician turns to the husband and says and now, your wish? The man apologizes to his wife and says I would like a wife 30 years younger than me. The magician says are you sure about this? the man says yes. The magician says an incantation and poof the man was 90. .... When dealing with a magician, always be specific about what you want.
-
Bury the magician.
-
a man on an airplane has to use the restroom but someone has been in the men's room for what seems like an hour. The flight attendant says he can use the ladies and she will make sure no one tries to go in. He agrees as he really had to go. Once in there, he sits down to go as dinner is biting back. As he finishes, he notices a oanel with the buttons in it marked ww wa and atr he presses the one marked ww and feels a jet of warm water washing his hind end at first it carches him by surprise but he decided it felt good so he presses the 2nd button and feels a jet of warm air drying him off. again surprised but he finds it too feels good so he decides to press the 3rd button. The flight attendant hears a scream from the bathroom and goes to check on him. The man wakes up 2 days later in the hospital unaware of what happened. He asks a nurse what happened and why he is there. The nurse said well based o the flight attendant's words, you were in the ladies restroom on the plane, you used the bidet functions and seemed to enjoy the warm water and warm air but screamed when you pressed the automatic tampon remover and by the way your penis is in a jar under your pillow.
-
Bury everyone the next day!!!!!
-
an English teacher asks one of the kids in her class to make a sentence opposite to children in the dark often produce errors. The child thinks for a moment then says errors in the dark often produce children
-
And the buried the teacher the next day after her coronary.
-
a giy was changing his password for his email account and decided to be coy with it and used the word mypenis but heard a snicker from his wife when it gave the error message that read sorry not long enough.
-
The wife was buried the next day.
-
a doctor tells his patient's wife that her husband needs a week of oeace and quiet to hekp resolve his stress, Inwill precribe you some sleeping pills. The wife says how often should he take them. The doctor says oh they are not for him, they are for you.
-
There wasn't enough left of the Dr to bury the next day.
-
Q: Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.
-
a man is talking with a psychiatrist and says tell me how do you determine if someone should be committed at your hospital. The psychiatrist says simple we put them in a room with a bath tub full of water, a bucket, a thimble, and a trowl and ask them the best way to empty the tub. The man says ah I get it the bucket holds the most water so if they choose it they are sane, right? The psychiatrist says no, a sane person would pull the plug so do you want a bed by the door or by the window?
-
And they buried the psychiatrist the next day with a bucket, a thimble, and a trowel rammed up his ass.
-
a wife points to a couple accross the parking lot and says look how he holds her hand, opens the door for her, and lets her go first, why cant you do that? her husband says I do not even know her
-
Hubby does have a point. But they buried him the next day regardless.
-
a six year old was asked why did they think the schools were closed. His response, they were outta toilet paper.
-
At least he had an answer!!! LOL
-
helping a person who committed a crime before they are arrested lands you in jail labeled as an accomploce but helping tjem after they are arrested lands you money and labeled attorney.
-
Funny how that works eh!!!
-
wife to husband, I need more space Husband drives her to an empty lot and leaves her there
-
And they will bury the hubby when she eventually finds her way home.
-
a man picks his mother in law up at the airport as he is getting ready to pull away from the curb he asks her how long she will be staying she says I can stay as long as you want me to He puts the car back in park and says here let me help you get your luggage into the airport too bad you cluldnt stay longer.
-
Smart Man, even though they buried him the next day.
-
a man to his wife I am sorry but whenever I see a stupid face, I have to laugh. She replied that must make shaving very difficult for you
-
And they buried the bitch the next day after a shaving accident.
-
mom to son so what did you do in school today? we made explosives My they are teaching you some odd thing. What are you to study tomorrow at that school? What school?
-
And they buried what they could find the next day.
-
I was expelled in pajama day is it my fault I sleep naked?
-
And they buried many the next day due to death by laughter. *W* LOL
-
teacher tommy you cannot sleep in my class tommy I know you talk too loud
-
I like Tommy's style. *G*
-
a man looking in the mirror in the nude says one more inch and I would be a king his wife hears him and says one inch less and you would be a queen
-
And they buried the mouthy female the next day.
-
little tommy asks his grandfather what it is called when one person sleeps avove anoth. The grandfather gulps, fells embarassed then says well my boy that is called intercourse. Tommy leaves then comes back a few minutes later and says grandma says you are wring, it is called a bunk bed. grandfather fainted
-
LOL They buried poor Grandfather the next day.
-
answering machine hey this is matt I am not home right now leave a message after the beep and remember to spread the love beep nessage matt this is your doctor your std test results came in stop spreading the love and call us for an appointment quickly
-
And the buried Matt by the end of the week after all those he spread the love to got a hold of him.
-
a father takes his son aside and says it is time you know the truth about the birds and the bees. The son starts crying. The father says what is wrong? The son says when you started the conversation about santa, the easter bunny and the tooth fairy, you started them with the same phrase so now if you are going to tell me that sex ismt real what else can I do?
-
JDL!!!!!
And they buried the Father the next day from a fatal laughing fit.
-
tommy's 3rd grade teacher is trying to teach the class about tense in language she says timmy if I say I am beautiful, what tense is that, Tommy looks at her and says well, given how you look, it must be past tense off hand maybe 30 years past.
-
And they buried Tommy the next day. BUT... I still like his style. *G*
-
the teacher hear little timmy swear while he was on the playground, she calls him aside and says I do not ever want to hear you say that word again where did you even hear it, he says from my father she says well since you do not know what it means do not use it, he says oh but I do know what it means, she says what does it mean yhen with a shicked look on her face, he says well, when my father says it, it means the car wont start, when I say it, it means you will want to talk to me
-
LOL And Timmy's Father buried the teacher the day after parent teacher conference.
-
my wife just ran iff with my best friend Mike yesterday Since when is Mike yiur best friend Since yesterday.
-
Heh heh heh...
Bury Mike and your ex tomorrow.
-
little timmy comes home from church with a black eye, his father says didnt I tell you no fighting with the boys at church. Timmy says I wasnt fighting and it wasnt my fault. we were praying, I noticed the sinday school teacher's dress was in her butt crack so I pulled it out, she turned around and hit me. His father says women do not like whem boys do such things, next time leave it as is. The next sunday, timmy comes home with another black eye, his father says now what did I tell you abiut fighting. timmy says I did not fight and it wasnt my fault, we were praying like last week, when Louis, who was next to me saw that the teachers skirt was in her butt craklck and pulled it out but after what you told me last week, I knew she did not like that so I put it back where it was , that is when she hit me.
-
See... no matter what, a guy just can't win.
Bury the Sunday school teacher, and make sure to ram the shovel up the crack of her ass where she will always have it.
-
little Timmy's older brother got married but they did not have the money for a honeymoon so they went to the fanily home for their wedding night. The next morning Timmy gets up, has his breakfast and asks his mother if his brother and his new bride are up yet. His mother says no. Timmy says want to know what I think? His mother says no, now go outside to play, I will call you in for lunch later. Around noon, his mother calls him in, he has lunch and asks if his brother and the bride are up yet. His mother says no. He says want to know what I think, she says no, no go back outside and play, I will call you in for dinner. She calls him in for dinner that evening, he eats and asks if his brother and the bride are up yet. She says no. He says want to know what I think? She saus ok, what do you think? He says when my brother asked me for the vaseline, I think I accidentally gave him a tube of my airplane model glue. She fainted.
-
They buried Timmy, his older brother, his wife, and Mother the next day.
The Father took off for parts unknown.
-
timmys teacher asks him if there are 5 birds on a wire and someone shoots one with a rifle, how many are left? timmy says none because the sound of the rifle would scare the remaining ones away. The teacher says while I like the way you think, the correct answer is 4. Timmy says can I ask a question? The teacher, knowing timmy, rlictsntly agrees and say ok. Timmy says 3 women are at an ice cream shop, 1 is licking her ice cream cone, 1 is biting it, and 1 is sucking it, which one is married. The teacher sighs and says I guess the one that is sucking it. Timmy says no, the 1 with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.
-
Timmy graduated early!!! ;D
-
little timmy goes with his father to horse auction. he watches as his father looks closely at each horse, runs his jands along the legs of the horse touches its rump and chest as he evaluates them. timmy asks his father why he keeps doing that. his father says because I am wanting to buy a horse. timmy looks worried. his father asks what is wrong timmy says I think the postman wants to buy mom.
-
They buried the Postman the next day.
-
timmy's teacher is having the students tell a family story that has a moral to it. Everyone else has gone except timmy. Reluctantly the teacher calls on timmy to recite his family tale. He stands and says, my uncle was in the persian gulf war. His plane was shot down so he had to parachute out taking a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machette with him. On the way down, he drank the entire case of beer. When he landed, he was immediately surrounded by 100 Taliban fighters. He killed 70 of them with the machine gun and the last 30 with the machette. The teacher says what possible moral could there be to this story? Timmy says, never mess with my uncle when he has been drinking. The teacher fainted
-
BOL
-
Imagine what he could do with a couple fifths of good whiskey and a Bic pen!!!!!
-
little Timmy walks in on his parents having sex, he asks his father what they are doing, his father thinking quickly says I am filling your mother's tank, Timmy says she needs a bigger tank then as the UPS giy just filled her this morning
-
They buried the wife, and the UPS guy the next day. Timmy's Father took him to the gun shop and the range the next day for obviously necessary home security skills.
-
Timmy was in the Sunday church service with his mother. He suddenly felt ill and like he was about to throw up. He told his mother he was about to be sick. She told him to run outside, aound to the side of the building and do so behind the bushes where no one would see. He darted out of the sanctuary as fast as he could. A few minutes later he came back in looking much better. His mother said did you make it to the bushes? He said I did not have to go that far, there is a box in the foyer marked for the sick.
-
JDL!!!!!
-
timmy was about to start a new school. his father called his new teacher and warned her that timmy had a gambling problem and to beware. she said no problem, I am sure I have seen worse, I csn handle it. later that day timmy's father called her to ask how it went. she says I think I broke him of his gambling problem. he says how? she says well today he bet me $5 that I had a mole on my bottom. I showed him my cheeks, no mole so he lost $5 his father said oh great, he bet me $100 that he would see his teacher's bottom by the end of the day.
-
LMTAO!!!!! Timmy must have Tuchuk and Torvie blood in his veins.
-
a salesman comes to the door. timmy answers. the salesman says can you get your father please? timmy says he is in the shower. the salesman says well can you get your mother please? timmy say she is in the shower with my father. the salesman says will they be long? timmy says well my father told me I was in trouble and could not have dessert or watch tv for a week so I do not think either of them will be out soon. the salesman says what has that yo do with how long they will be? timmy says my favorite show is on tonight so when my father asked for the vaseline, I gave him the superglue
-
Well done Timmy!!!!!
-
timmy's teach asked the class to come forward and tell a true but interesting story. one tells about a trip taken with their family, another told about winning a baseball game, finally, it was timmy's turn. he comes foreard and puts a dot on the chalkboard. the teacher says what is do exciting about a period? timmy says I dont know but my sister cried saying she missed hers, my mother screamed, my father fainted, and the boy next door left town.
-
Heh heh heh... and they buried the boy from next door the morning after they located him.
-
timmy and his friend are sitting front row on the 50 yard line during the big rivalry football game. his friend said there are great seats where did you get the tickets? timmy says oh, from my brother. his friend says where is your brother that he is not here enjoying the game? timmy says, hes at home looking for his tickets.
-
I like his way of thinking. He didn't steal them, he will return them after the game!!!
-
when timmy was in preschool, the teacher was seeing if he knew how to count so she asked if he knew what vame after 6 he said 7 she asked what came after 8 he said nine she said you are doing well, who taught you to count, he said my uncle she said did your uncle tell you what comes after 10 he said sure, jack she asked what his uncle does, he said oh he is a gambler
-
Heh heh heh... a highly skilled profession.
-
timmy is out camping with his class for the 1st time. he wakes up from a bad dream and runs to the teachers tent and asks if he can sleep with her for the night. she says absolutely not go back to your own tent. he says but I had a bad dream and at home sleeping by my mother is the only way I can get back to sleep after. She sighs and says ok, come on. He lays down by her then says can I put my finger in your belly button? She says no, now go to sleep. He says but my mother lets me, it helps me sleep. She says fine as long as you sleep. A moment later she says that is not my belly button, he says and that is not my finger.
-
*Facepalms*
-
timmy was in sunday school. the teacher was trying to use examples to tach the students about tight and wrong. she says ok, timmy, if I were to reach into a man's pocket, take out his wallet, and take the money from it what would I be? timmy says, that's easy, you would be his wife.
-
:-X ;D
-
the sunday school teacher asks timmy if he knows why it is impotant to be quiet when he enters the church service. timmy says, it us so I dont wake up any of the sleeping parishoners
-
;D
-
timmy was in math class, the teacher asks him what are 4 2 28 and 44 timmy says cbs, fox, hbo, and cartoon network.
-
Don't forget the NFL Channel!!!!! Beat Timmy's ass until he can't sit for a month!!!!!
-
timmy's parents had some friends over for dinner. his father said timmy, it is your turn to say grace. timmy bowed his head and said Lord please bless this food and also, please help those poor women on dad's computer find some clothing so they are not naked all the time.
-
His Father must chat in Gor. LOL
-
timmys class is on a field trip to the local fire department to learn about fire safety. a firefighter holds up a smoke detector and asks if anyone knows what it is. timmy says yes thats the thing my mom uses to tell when dinner is done cooking.
-
Been there done that. :(
-
when timmy was 10 the womam next doot brought him home to his mother and said I caught timmy playing doctor with my daughter. timmys mother said lets not be too hasty many children their age play doctor and are curious about sex. the woman said I know that but timmy was trying to take out her appendix with a kitchen knife.
-
And was probably doing better than most general surgeons.
-
timmy goes to his mother and says he has a tummy ache she says that is probably because your stomach is empty perhaps if you put something in it you will feel better and gave him a sandwich. later timmy was outside playing his father came home and said he had a headache timmy said thats because your head is empty maybe you should put something in it.
-
And then Timmy's head hurt after his Father slapped his face clean off his head.
-
timmy over hears his parents talking then goes to his grandfather and asks him if he knows how to croak like a frog, his grandfather says well I can give it a try and does his best frog impression croak timmy says thank you. his grandfather asks him what that was about. timmy says well I heard my father say when you croak we will all be rich.
-
Grandfather just changed his will.
-
timmys father is upset that timmy spends so much time on the computer and wants to motivate him so he says you know when abe lincoln was your age he studied books by the light of a fire place and candles timmy responds well when he qas your age he was president
-
You go Timmy!!!
-
a friend tells timmy that he can get anything he wants from any adult by simply pretending he knows their secret. when he gets home he tells his mother I know your secret she quickly hands him $20 and tells him not to tell his father. when his father gets home he say I know your secret. his father hands him $20 and says dont tell your mother. the next day he sees the mailman and says I know your secret to which the mailman says then come give your real father a hug my boy.
-
Bury the mailman AND the Mother. Then clean out wallets, purses, AND the mailbag and truck!!!!!
-
timmy asks his mother for $20 she says money does mot grow on trees you know. timmy says if you give me the money, I will tell you what dad said to the maid while you were gone yesterday. This got his mother's attention so she gave him the money and said ok what did he say to her? timmy says he tokd her not to forget to wash his dress shirt for his meeting today.
-
Heh...
-
timmy's teacher walks up yo timmy ehile he is sitting at his desk in class and asks him do you know what separstes you from a monkey? timmy says why yes, this desk.
-
(https://hartlyn.neocities.org/cmweath.jpg)
-
timmy's teacher walks up yo timmy ehile he is sitting at his desk in class and asks him do you know what separstes you from a monkey? timmy says why yes, this desk.
And Timmy got smacked at recess.
-
(https://hartlyn.neocities.org/cmweath.jpg)
Chuckles...
-
the teacher was asking her students about animals and said what does the checken give us a student said eggs, she said correct, what does the pig give us a student said bacon she said correct she said what does the cow give us, timmy said the old cow gives us homework.
-
Oh yeah... I can see Timmy sitting next to me in the office waiting to see the principle again. FLASHBACKS!!!!!
-
(https://hartlyn.neocities.org/kiltz.jpg)
-
lol
-
LOL ;D
-
timmy's mum was washing and putting away his clothes when she noticed some bdsm magazines hidden in one of his drawers. she took them and waited until timmy's father got home. she showed him the magazines and said what should we do about this? he said well first off I would not suggest you spanking him
-
Chuckles...
-
timmy and his family are having dinner at his grandmothers house as soon as the food is on his plate timmy starts eating. his father scolds him and says you have to wait until we pray over the food. timmy says that is inly at our house grandma knows how to cook.
-
If Momma was around, I hope Timmy likes canned soup and PBJ's...
-
timmy's teacher asked him what he wants to be when he grows up, he said a detective so he could follow in his father's footsteps. the teacher said that is very admirable but I dis not know your father was a detective. timmy said he isn't, he's a cat burglar
-
I typed 'Missing Medieval Servant' into Google...
....but all it came up with was "Page Not Found'.
;D ;D ;D
-
*Facepalms*
-
timmy's teacher told the class I want you all to pretend you are millionaires for a moment and write what your day would be like and what you would do. after about 15 minutes the teachs noticed timmy was not writing anything. the teacher asks him why he is not writing. timmy replies if I am a millionaire, I am waiting for my secretary so I cN dictate the information to her and have her write it for me.
-
Dats mah Boy!!!!!
-
the teacher says ok timmy, I want you to give me a word with three syllables. timmy right away blurts out masturbate. the teacher says my that is a mouthful timmy. timmy says no, you are thinking of a blow job.
-
LMTAO!!!!!
-
timmy was continually late for school and always had a wild story about why he was late. the principal told timmy's teacher to send timmy to him the next time he was late and had such a tale and he would tell him a tale so tall it would make timmy never late or tell a tale again. sure enough, the next day timmy was late again with a story about how he was actually headed to school early but was chased by an alligator and had to climb a tree and wait for the alligator to leave nefore he could continue on his way to school. the teacher promptly sent timmy to the principal who had timmy sit in his office while he told his own tale about getting to school that morning. the principal said while on my way to school I was chased by a 24 ft tall bear with sharp fangs amd teeth it certainly wanted to eat me, I had to run for my life but a small dog came out from under a bush and attacked then ate the bear. timmy said oh that would be my dog sparky that was his thrid bear this week.
-
Heh heh heh...
-
timmy blurts out during class van I go to the bathroom the teacher says its may I co to the rest room timmy said I asked first so I get to go first and left the room.
-
*Thumbs up*
-
the sunday school teacher asks timmy do you believe there is a devil? timmy says no, I know it is just like with santa claus it is really just my father
-
Meep!!!
-
timmy sees his mum putting cold cream on her face one night and asks why shebis putting that stuff on her face. she says so I will look beautiful. she then begins removing the cream. timmy says whats wrong giving up?
-
So much for Timmy getting any older. :o
-
after school sally tells her mum that timmy had kissed her on the lips. her mum said how did that happen? sally said well it took 3 of my friends to hold him while I kissed him.
-
::)
-
the teacher was asking each student what they want to be when they grow up. when she got to timmy, he said I want to be a billionaire, not to have to answer to anyone, to est at the most expensive places, go to the best shows, and live in a mansion, with two ferraris out front and a couple of girlfriends who love with me. the teacher raised an eyebrow but just went on to the next student susan what do you want to be? susan said I want to be one of timmy's girlfriends
-
Heh heh heh...
;D
-
...I want to be the other girlfriend... ;)
-
COUGAR!!!!!
-
timmy's teacher sat at her desk and said I am holding something that is round and red can you guess what it is? timmy's hand went up but the teacher ignored him knowing he would say something off colour. another student raised their hand and said is it an apple? the teacher said no, it is a plum but I like how you think. timme said I have one, as he holds his hands below his desk he says I am holding something that is hard qith a red nib at the top. the teacher says timmy that is disgusting. timmy said no, it is a match but I like how you think.
-
I like Timmy. ;D
-
timmy's grandfather died, during the funeral people kept getting up and saying what a wonderful man he was, how generous he was, how he had helped people, how kind he was and so on, after about 20 minutes timmy's grandmother told timmy to go check the coffin and make sure it was his grandfather in there that they were saying all these things about as it did not sound like him.
-
Time to load Granny's dentures with alum, Preparation H in her toothpaste, lipstick along the nose pads of her glasses, deer hunter's doe urine to her perfume, pepper the Kleenex every Grammy carries in her purse or pocket, glob Vaseline in the toes of her shoes, switch sugar for salt and salt for sugar in her kitchen, and saran wrap her toilet bowl.
Then get serious.
Never mess or speak ill of a Guy's Grampa!!!!!
-
lol
-
a sales person comes to the door, timmy answers pretending to smoke a cigarette and drink a beer. the salesperson asks are your parents home? timmy holds up the beer can and says I am smoking and drinking and you ask if my parents are home? what do you think?
-
Morons...
-
the teacher unwittingly asked timmy to use the word urinate in a sentence. timmy replied your an eight but if you had larger breasts you would be a 10.
-
::) ;D
-
the teacher asked timmy where his homework assignment was, timmy said his dog ate it. the teacher said now do not try to give me that old line, dogs do not eat paper, they sometimes rip it up but do not eat it, timmy said they do if you cover it with peanut butter
-
Timmy - 1, Teacher = 0.
-
timmys teacher was asking the class what types of jobs all of their family members did besides just their parents. when timmy said his older sister was a hooker, the teacher sent him to the principal. when timmy got home his mother had received a call from the teacher that she had sent timmy to the principal. his mother asked timmy what happened. timmy told her. she asked well what did the principal do? timmy said he gave me a candy bar and asked for my sister's phone number.
-
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
-
(https://hartlyn.neocities.org/MEH1.jpg)
-
(https://hartlyn.neocities.org/MEH1.jpg)
On the cutting edge of comedy.
-
one day when timmy was little his parents heard him yell from his older sister's room. they ran upstairs to see what was wrong. timmy said his sister's penis had fallen off in the night and he had just found it laying under the bed and holds up a penis shaped dildo.
-
:o :o :o :o :o
-
true story when my son was about 8 we had rented 2 of the upstairs rooms to 2 sisters on day my wife, myseldlf, and ine of the sisters were downstairs talking as we had become good friends with both of them when my son comes down stairs and says we need to go up and check on the other sister as she was in her rolm and he heard her moaning, all three of us, knowing the sister in question knew what she was doing and immadiately said in unison she's fine then started laughing as she was known for using a vibrator whenever she was alone.
-
(https://hartlyn.neocities.org/MEH1.jpg)
On the cutting edge of comedy.
;D ;D ;D
-
true story when my son was about 8 we had rented 2 of the upstairs rooms to 2 sisters on day my wife, myseldlf, and ine of the sisters were downstairs talking as we had become good friends with both of them when my son comes down stairs and says we need to go up and check on the other sister as she was in her rolm and he heard her moaning, all three of us, knowing the sister in question knew what she was doing and immadiately said in unison she's fine then started laughing as she was known for using a vibrator whenever she was alone.
You can never be too sure about such things. I say it bore much closer investigation to lok into the matter at hand.
::)
-
trust me, in her case not something any of us wanted to see lol
-
SCREAMS!!!!! :-X
-
which is what we would do if we had seen it
-
timmy asks his father what is beteeen his mothers legs, his father says paradise, timmy says well what is that between your legs, his father said the key to paradise, timmy said dadd you need to change the lock then because the mailman has a duplicate key
-
HELP WANTED;
Postal Carrier for the US mail.
Civil Service required, additional credit points for Veterans.
Base salary dependent on experience and hours of availability.
Full benefits after 60 days
Full-time only. Part time need not apply.
Must know how not to get caught.
-
timmys teacher said I will ask 5 questions the 1st person to answer each question gets to go home early today. she asks who was the 1st president susan raises her hand and says george washington before timmy can even get his hand up the teacher says correct you may go home early susan she asks who was president during the civil war jimmy raises his hand and says abraham lincoln before timmy can even say a word the teacher says correct you may go home timmy makes a paper airplane and throws it at the teacher she says who threw that paper airplane timmy says I did see you later
-
Not bad Timmy, just do not forget Jefferson Davis.
-
timmy had skipped school one day, the teacher decides to stop by his house and speak with his parents a couple days later only timmy and his grandfather are home. the geandfather sees the teacher headed toward the house and tells timmy to hide while he sorts it out with the teacher. timmy says no you should I hide as I told her the reason I missed class was to attend your funeral.
-
LOL
-
timmys teacher asks the class to name things that ind in tor that eat things. one student says alligator the teacher says very good another says predator the teacher says excellent timmy says vibrator the teacher a little embarassed says umm ok but they do mot ear anything timmy says my sister says hers eats batteries like crazy
-
"DOH!!!!!"
-
Timmy notices one of his friends has a brand new watch with all of the features. He asks how he got the new watch. His friend said well, I accidentally walked in on my parents while they were having sex, my dad yelled at me to get out, the next morning, he felt guilty about yelling at me and went out and bought me this watch as an apology. Timmy decides to try to get such a watch for hinself the same way. That night, he pretends to be asleep while listening for the telltale signs of his parents having sex. As soon as he hears them he walks into their bedroom and says I wanna watch. His father says ok but go int the corner and be quiet.
-
Once seen can never be unseen Timmy.
-
timmy's teacher asks that each student stand and say what their father or mother does for a living and spell it. the first child stands and says their father is a banker b a n k e r the teacher says good. the next one stands and says their father is an accountant but has trouble spelling it timmy says my father is a bookie b o o k i e ans he would give us all 20 to 1 odds that it will be a year before johhny there can spell accountant.
-
LOL
-
timmy's mother tells him he has 5 minutes to get in the house and take a bath. timmy asks can I take it with bubbles. his mother agrees a bubble bath is ok. 4 minutes later timmy comes walking into the house with a girl. his mother says whi is that? timmy says her name is bubbles.
-
Dats mah Boy!!!!!
;D
-
when timmy was younger his mother had made hamburgers and was having trouble getting the ketchup to come out of the bottle. the phone rang so timmy decided to answer it. he yells mom the pastor is calling. his mother said to tell him she is busy and will call him back. timmy says pastor I am sorry my mom cannot come to the ohone right now she is hitting the bottle.
-
LOL
-
after sex ed, timmy goes up to susie and drops his oants and underwear then says I have one of these and you dont. susie pulls up her skirt and drops her panties and says qith one of these, I can get all of those I want.
-
In theory yes. But then she opened her mouth and closed that door. ;D
-
timmy's teacher asked him if your friend has 5 cookies and gives you 2 what is left, timmy said an unconcious friend, me with five cookies in my home before he wakes up
-
YOU GO TIMMY!!!!!
Timmy is a natural for Gor!!!!!
;D ::) ;)
-
timmy skipped school one day, his teacher called his mother to find out if he was ok as he was absent. His mother confronted him saying I heard you missed school. Timmy replied I did not miss it one bit.
-
Alright... who was watching me grow up taking notes?
-
timmy's mum isbyelling at him for leaving the door open letting flies in. she uells you know I hate flies. timmy said I am sure they feel the same about you.
-
And he might be able to feel his lips in a week or so.
-
when timmy was little he visited a farm with his mum. one of the horses had an erection. timmy noticed it and asked that it was sticking out under the horse. his mum said oh it is nothing and tried to distract him. when they got home, timmy told his father about the horse and what his mum had said. his father said to your mother it is nothing, I have spoiled that woman.
-
(https://pics.me.me/me-when-get-to-hell-rates-256-32802600.png)
-
:-\ :'( Broken pic
-
timmy got his 1st job as a teenager. one day his boss called him into the office and says I just saw you arguing with a customer. that is not allowed here, the customer is always right, got it. timmy said yes, the customer is always right. the boss said so what was it the customer had said. timmy said the customer stated that the manager if this place must be a total idiot the manager said that jerk and what did you say? well as the customer is always right, I said I agree.
-
Heh...
-
(Hopes the pic works this time)
(https://hartlyn.neocities.org/mehell.jpg)
-
#BADJOKEALERT
Q: What do you call a secret agent battery?
A: Double-A 7 (AA7)
-
(Hopes the pic works this time)
(https://hartlyn.neocities.org/mehell.jpg)
Not if I get to keep that cab!!!!! LOL
-
#BADJOKEALERT
Q: What do you call a secret agent battery?
A: Double-A 7 (AA7)
*Facepalms* LOL
-
one day mrs smith, a young, new mother, called timmy's mother timmy answered the phone and told his mother mrs smith was on the phone for her. his mother said, I am a little busy ask her what she wants. timmy asked her, talked to her for a moment as his mother got there, she took the phone and talked, then yelled at timmy saying what did you say to her? tinmy said she called to ask about using a rectal thermometer, all I did was tell her how to use it.
-
Ever helpful Timmy!!!!!
-
the older kids were teasing timmy saying he was not very smart as they kept offeeing him the choice between a quarter and a nickel and he always took the nickel. someone took him aside and said why do you let them tease you like that why not take the quarter? timmy said because if I take the quarter they will stop doing it and I have made $10 so far just today from doing this.
-
the teacher hears timmy utter a swear word and says wherever did you hear that? timmy says from my father. the teacher says well he should be ashamed of himself for saying it in front of you and you should not use it seeing you do not know what it means. timmy says sure I do, it means the car will not start
-
timmy's teacher tells him this report you wrote about your dog looks just like the one your sister turned in last year. timmy says of clurse it does, it is the same dog.
-
in sunday school the teacher is talking about how wonderful heaven will be. then asks what do you have to be to get there? timmy says six feet under.
-
the teacher was doing a demonstration on the problems with alcohol and said I have 2 containers here, one with water and one with whiskey, I will drop a live worm in each container, lets see what happens. the qorm in the water survives but the one in the whiskey dies almost immediately. the teacher says what can we learn from this. timmy says, drink whiskey and you will not have worms
-
timmy asked his father where humans cane from, his father explains evolution and how humans evolved from apes. timmy then aska his mother where humans came from and she says God created the 1st two humans and we have continued ever since. timmy said but dad says we evolved from apes. his mother said only his side of the family came from apes.
-
Hey... even apes need love too, or is that sex? Oh well, sex without commitment will work wonders.
-
timmy sees his father step out of the shower and saus what is that dangling between your legs. his father says thst is my nerve and one day yours will be just as big. next day in class, timmy has to use the bathroom but the teacher says no 2 other students are out of the classroom right now you will have to wait for at least one of them to return first. it seems like it is taking ages for either to return and timmy really has to go so, he gets up and leaks in the trash bin ny the teachers desk. the teacher is aghast at this and saus you have some nerve to do that. timmy say this is nothing you should see my fathers nerve
-
Q: How did the baby cheese dress up for Halloween?
A: As a little Muenster!
-
timmy sees his father step out of the shower and saus what is that dangling between your legs. his father says thst is my nerve and one day yours will be just as big. next day in class, timmy has to use the bathroom but the teacher says no 2 other students are out of the classroom right now you will have to wait for at least one of them to return first. it seems like it is taking ages for either to return and timmy really has to go so, he gets up and leaks in the trash bin ny the teachers desk. the teacher is aghast at this and saus you have some nerve to do that. timmy say this is nothing you should see my fathers nerve
Heh heh...
-
Q: How did the baby cheese dress up for Halloween?
A: As a little Muenster!
*Facepalms*
-
Q: How did the baby cheese dress up for Halloween?
A: As a little Muenster!
*Facepalms*
hehehehe
-
the teacher asked timmy, if you have $1 and you ask your father for $1.50 how much do you have? yommy days $1 the teacher says apparently you do not know how to add properly. timmy says apparently you do not know my father.
-
Q: Why did Superman cross the road?
A: The chicken flew off with his cape!
-
the teacher asked timmy, if you have $1 and you ask your father for $1.50 how much do you have? yommy days $1 the teacher says apparently you do not know how to add properly. timmy says apparently you do not know my father.
LOL
-
Q: Why did Superman cross the road?
A: The chicken flew off with his cape!
Huuuuuuuuh? :o
-
timmy was sitting out side eating one candy bar after another from a bag. an elderly man approached him and said if you eat too much candy it will make you sick. timmy replied my grandfather has eaten candy every day of his life and is 100. the elderly man said well that is a long life but did he ever eat so much candy at one time? timmy said I am not sure but he does know how to mind his own business which is part of why he has lived so long.
-
Q: Why did Superman cross the road?
A: The chicken flew off with his cape!
Huuuuuuuuh? :o
Blame Alexa for that one!
-
*groans*
-
timmys teacher is telling the legend of how george washington chopped down his fathers cherry tree but when asked about it he admitted to doing it. the teacher then says and do you know why george was not punished for it? timmy says easy, he was still holding the axe.
-
LOL
-
timmy's teacher told him I hope I do not catch you looking at another students paper during the test tomorrow. Timmy said I hope you dont catch me doing it too.
-
At least he is honest about it. LOL
-
(https://hartlyn.neocities.org/Chara.jpg)
-
LOL
-
timmy saw a dead animal it was already stiff on its back, legs sticking straight up. he asked his father why it was positioned like that. his father said that is so God can pick it up and carry it off to heaven. the next day when timmys father came home from work, timmy told him we almost lost mom today. his father said what do you mean? timmy said I saw mom laying flat in her back, her legs stuck in the air like that animal, but fortunately uncle heney was there holding her down.
-
And Uncle Heney's arms and legs are soon to be sticking straight up.
-
the teacher was discussing what abstract nouns are and said it is something you can think about but not see or touch, to which timmy said, you mean like your breasts?
-
Heh heh...
-
a homless man comes to the door, timmy answers. the man asks if they have any food he can have. timmy says would yesterdays leftovers be ok? the man says I am hungry and not picky so sure. timmy says will, my mum is making her meatloaf tonight which I hate so come back tomorrow for the leftovers.
-
DOH!!!!!
-
the teacher notices timmy seems a little down and asks what can be done to brighten his day, timmy says for you to leave until school is over.
-
No good deed goes unpunished.
-
timmy asks his father what the difference between confide t and confidential is. his father says well, I am confident that you are my son, but what I do with my secretary is confidential.
-
Heh...
-
timmy tells his mother that yesterday he had lost control of his ball and it rolled into the closet in her room so he had went in to get it. while he was in there, he saw his father come in with the woman next door. they started kissing then took off each others clothes. his mother told him to stop right there and tell his father what happened when he got home. when his father comes home, his mother has his bags packed by the door and slaps him then tells timmy to tell him what he had seen while he was in the closet the day before. timme says well, I saw you come in with the woman next door, start hugging and kissing each other and remove one anothers clothes you then got in bed and did the same thing I saw mum and uncle joe doing the day before in there.
-
Kill the Uncle and collar both females. Problem solved.
-
timmy is staring at a plaque in the church foyer with names and dates on them. the minister sees this and stands next to him. timmy asks what the plaque is. the minister says it is a memorial for all the church members who died in the service. timmy asks which one the 9 am or the 11 am service?
-
OUCH!!!!!
"ALL ABOARD!!!!! HELL EXPRESS LEAVING ON TRACK 666!!!!!"
-
timmys teacher is talking about how the name of a place does not always mean what is imploed and says for example the canary islands do not have any canaries timmy immediately says does that mean the virgin islands do not have any virgins?
-
Heh...
-
timmys mum is doing the laundry she tells her husband you need to stop leaving money in your trousers when you put them in to be washed this is the 2nd time this week I have done the laundry and found money in your pockets after they had been washed. as she is yelling about it the phone rings timmy answers it is the oastor who asks to speak with his mum. timmy says she cant come to the phone now she is busy laundering money
-
Chortles...
-
timmy accidentally walks in on he parents having sex. his father tells him to get out. he leaves the room, the parents hurry up and get dressed. his mother comes our and tells him that his father is trying to lose weight so she has to jump up and down on his stomach to help him. timmy says dont bother mom, every morning the girl next door comes over and blows him back up again.
-
timmys mum is looking all over for her hand lotion she asks timmy if he had seen it he says no but why dont you just use some of that face cream stuff of yours. she says the problem is my hands not my face. timmy says not from where I sit it isnt.
-
timmys father is complaining on how everything is going up cost of food, gas, taxes and says just once I would like to see something come down. timmy says dad you are in luck here is my report card
-
the teacher is trying to help the students understand money. she tells timmy suppose you have 2 quarters in your left pocket and 3 dollars in your right pocket what do you have. timmy says someone els's trousers.
-
the teacher says today we are going to talk about tenses in english like if a phrase is past tense, present tense or future tense. If I say I am beautiful what tense is that? timmy says obviously past tense in your case.
-
If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock ;D ;D
-
lol
-
Timmy is selling a lawn mower. The pastor walks by and asks if it works. Timmy says oh yes it wirks quite well, starts in the 1st pull never a problem. The pastor buys it then says if it is so good why are you selling it? Timmy says my father told me to mow the lawn, well since the lawnmower has just been sold, I can now play baseball as we no longer have a mower, see you pastor and walks off.
-
timmy's mother yells at him why did you kick your brother in the stomach? timmy says I didnt mean to kick him in the stomach. his mother says thats better. then timmy says its not my fault he turned around as I as about to kick his butt.
-
(http://hartlyn.neocities.org/tatbas.jpg)
-
smiles
-
when timmy qas in kindergarten he asked the teacher if he could use the bathroom. the teacher said ok but 1st you need to recite the alphabet timmy said abcdeffhijklmonqrstuvwxyz the teacher said what happened to p? timmy said it is running down my leg now can I please go use the restroom
-
timmy was in the kitchen as his mum was peeling potatoes for dinner. he picks one up looks at it then says mom this one looks just like you. she looks at it and says it is all bumpy and weird looking. timmy says like I said just like you.
-
timmy is sitting by a lawn mower with a for sale sign on it. The local priest comes by and aska timmy if the lawn mower works. timmy says ues but you have to pull the string a few times to gst it to start. the priest says well a little exercise is good for the body I will take it. he then tries to pull start it after 5 or 6 tries still nothing. timmy says I forgot to tell you it helps if you swear at it while pulling. the priest says I have not uttered a swear qord in years since I became a priest. timmy says keep pulling that string it will come back to you.
-
#Badjoke
Q: What do you get when you cross dicks and fireworks?
A: Firequackers
-
#BadJoke2
Q: Did you hear thaqt Summer and wWinter broke up?
A: They had a FALLing out
-
#BadJoke3
Q: What do you call a firewirk that is not very impressive?
A: OK Boomer
-
Oh Rick, Rick, Rick.... LOL ::) ;D
-
#BadJoke4
Q: How do you talk to an amoeba?
A: With a microbe-phone
-
Smiles and removes your hat, mashes it down and places it back on your head and brushes a bit of dust off the brim.
::) ;) ;D
-
timmy's mother tild him to set the table as they were having company that mr and mrs smith would be joining them. once the smiths arrived they qere all sitting down to eat. timmy's mother says timmy why didn't you put any silverware at mr. smiths spot. timmy said dad always says mr. smith eats like a pig so I didnt't think he needed silverware.
-
#BadJoke5
Q: Which Founding Father wore a stethoscope?
A: James Medicine
-
*Groans*
-
the teacher tells timmy's sister to punctuate fun fun fun worry worry worry. his sister says fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry
-
#BadJoke6
Q: What do you call cows flying to Omaha?
A: Steaks on a plane.
-
:-\
-
#BadJoike7
Q: Where did the chicken cross the road?
A: At the cross bock. Bock bock!
-
*cries*
-
a therapist was talking with 3 women and said he could see all 3 of them had addictions. he said to the 1st one you are addicted to money hence naming your daughter penny. he said to the 2nd one you are addicted to sugar hence calling your daughter sweetie before he could speak to the 3rd ine she said to her son come on dick we are out of here.
-
;D
-
This is so me.... ;D ;D ;D
(http://hartlyn.neocities.org/svm.jpg)
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a man was telling his friend that his wife wanted to try couples therapy. his friend asked how is it going. the man says not so good she seems more and more angry after every session. the friend said how often are the sessions. the man said I drop her off at the couples therapist every monday on my way to work.
-
This is so me.... ;D ;D ;D
(http://hartlyn.neocities.org/svm.jpg)
LOL
-
a man was telling his friend that his wife wanted to try couples therapy. his friend asked how is it going. the man says not so good she seems more and more angry after every session. the friend said how often are the sessions. the man said I drop her off at the couples therapist every monday on my way to work.
Heh...
-
lol
-
a woman walks into a doctors office with a pelican on her head. The doctor looks at the woman and asks whats wrong. the pelican says ppsstt up here, how do I get this woman off my feet.
another patient walks in as the doctor is examining him, he asks the doctor what happens if someone dies while leaving your office? the doctor says simple, I turn them around and make it look like they were walking in. the man says ah ok, now tell me what was up with the pelican on that womans head. the doctor said oh, as the pelican was the one with the complaint, I had to refer her to a vet.
-
:-\
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#BadJoke8
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/107770925_10222895357122323_7303141141292425481_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQlK5Cm7TfLHR_DBEpClnigcexo8d3oX4Dl557rvmtaz_jCTD0m9VqNVnIOUvFV2fOk&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=ea3c9fa6942b9b9f501b1525711fe183&oe=5F2C5024)
-
Egawds...
-
#BadJoke9
Q: Why did the mom shush her kids at the tennis match?
A: Because they were making a racke!
-
#BadJoke10
Q: What kind of dog can you get at a bakery?
A: Pure Bread
-
No worries Rick my friend, we will get you the treatment you need.
*Hides the jumper cables behind my back with a smile*
;D ::)
-
the massage therapist was fired for rubbing people the wrong way
also remember always learn the rules, that way yiu know how to cheat better
-
the therapist told the client you are a procrastinator and unless you change you will not advance in life. the client said I will worry about that later.
-
:'(
-
during dinner timmy asks his father if bugs are ok to eat. his father said do not talk about gross things like that at the table after dinner his father asks timmy why did you ask about eating bugs at the dinner table. timmy said because there was a bug on the bite of salad you had just put in your mouth.
-
Heh heh heh...
-
#BadJoke11
Q: Why did the french fries cross thewh road?
A: They had to ketchup to the chicken
-
You still worry me my friend. LOL
-
timmys teacher said 9f timmy that he is not completely useless he can serve as a bad example and warning to others.
-
Sounds like me. Glad to see someone will carry on the tradition.
-
the teacher asked timmy what is 5 plus 5 timmy says 11 the teacher says get your hands out of your pocket and stop counting on your fingers.
-
*Facepalms*
-
timmy is walking home from the store with a bag containing a loaf of bread in one hand and his other hand in his pocket. the pastor sees him with the loaf of bread and says I see you have the staff of life in one hand what do you have in the other timmy says a loaf of bread.
-
:o
-
#BadJoke12
Q: Why wouldn't the electrician rewire the house?
A: He thought it was re-volting.
-
#BadJoke13
Q: What did the turkey say to the farmer?
A: "Why is there nothing on my calendar after November?"
-
Rick...
At times, these are so bad you have to laugh to avoid crying. LOL
-
Rick...
At times, these are so bad you have to laugh to avoid crying. LOL
At least I am warning you that they are bad jokes!
-
timmy's grand father is showing signs of alzheimers (cue sad music, cut music). timmy decides to play a prank on him (cue evil laugh followed by boos and hisses, cut sounds). timmy adds viagra and a strong laxative to his grandfathers medicines. now his grandfather does not know if he should be cumming or going. (que the boo poor joke sound effect, cut sound effect)
-
Nate...
You and Rick need to quit reading the same restroom walls.
-
at least we both posted we knew they were bad jokes so there is that
-
#BadJoke14
Q: What happened to the dust bunny who fell in love with the Rhoomba?
A: It was swept away!
-
timmy's teacher asked timmy if I give you 3 cats and sally gives you 3 cats how many cats do you have. timmy said seven. the teacher repeated the question emphasizing the number of cats timmy still said seven. the teacher then said ok if I give you 3 apples and sally gives you three apples how many apples do you have. timmy said six. the teacher said right but why did you say seven when it was cats. timmy said becaise I already have a cat.
-
*Blows up the restroom*
-
(If you can't beat 'em, join 'em)
My laptop suddenly started belting out "Someone Like You"
Obviously it's a Dell ;D ;D ;D
-
no, no, blowing up the rest room is macgyvers trick
-
*Blows up the building the restroom is in.*
-
#BadJoke15
Q: How do you send soda pop to an astronaut?
A: With a bottle rocket
-
:'(
-
the phone rang, timmy answered it, it was an obscene phone call, he called his sister to the phone and said its for you and promptly went out side before she got to the phone.
-
I approve!!!!! Why let a perfectly good pervert go to waste!!!!!
-
timmys father buys a lie detector which gives off a loud beep any time someone in the area lies. timmy comes home late. his father says where were you? timmy says studying at the library beep, timmy says ok, ok I was at a party with my friends. his father says when I was your age, I never had time to stay out late partying like that beep. timmys mother says well I guess it shows he is your son beep
-
JDL!!!!! ;D
-
when timmy was little he was riding his tricycle and saw a guy in a porche he rode around the porche then asked the guy if he wanted to race the guy said no and took off he looks in the mirror and there is timmy right behing him the guy gets on the freeway but timmy is still right there the guy takes off as fast as he can go but cannot shake timmy finally the guy stops he sees timmy panting out of breath the tricycle tires smoking timmy says thank you for stopping my pant leg got caught on your bumbper
-
(http://hartlyn.neocities.org/satanhot.jpg)
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when timmy was little he was riding his tricycle and saw a guy in a porche he rode around the porche then asked the guy if he wanted to race the guy said no and took off he looks in the mirror and there is timmy right behing him the guy gets on the freeway but timmy is still right there the guy takes off as fast as he can go but cannot shake timmy finally the guy stops he sees timmy panting out of breath the tricycle tires smoking timmy says thank you for stopping my pant leg got caught on your bumbper
LOL
-
(http://hartlyn.neocities.org/satanhot.jpg)
Well send it back!!!!!
-
a man reading an article says to his friend it says here married people should not keep secrets from one another. have you ever kept a secret from your wife? his friend replies never. the man says not even once? his friend says nooe, not that I haven't tried she always figures out what is going on.
wife to husband have I gained weight since the home restrictions due to covid? husband you were not thin before covid why would you be so now? husband's death pronounced 10 minutes latee, cause of death covid.
-
Sounds about right.
-
(http://hartlyn.neocities.org/satanhot.jpg)
Well send it back!!!!!
If I only could!!!! ;D
-
(http://hartlyn.neocities.org/satanhot.jpg)
Well send it back!!!!!
If I only could!!!! ;D
Well get on it!!!!!
-
(http://hartlyn.neocities.org/satanhot.jpg)
Well send it back!!!!!
If I only could!!!! ;D
Well get on it!!!!!
Okay Rags it’s on its way!!! -angelic smile-
-
lol
-
3 sisters get married, a year later their mother decides to test each of their husbands. She invites the 1st one over and goes for a walk with him near a pond and "accidentally" falls in, without hesitation he jumps in and saves her. The next day he receives a note from her thanking him with $500. She does the same qith the 2nd one's husband, same result and same note and $500 for him. She tries with the third's husband. As she falls in the pond, he looks about to see if anyone is warching, not seeing anyone, he walks away pretending not to motice her. The next day he receives $1000 with a note of thanks from his father in law.
-
(http://hartlyn.neocities.org/satanhot.jpg)
Well send it back!!!!!
If I only could!!!! ;D
Well get on it!!!!!
Okay Rags it’s on its way!!! -angelic smile-
Angelic smile? Nope... that does not work for you. I KNOW YOU!!!!!
-
3 sisters get married, a year later their mother decides to test each of their husbands. She invites the 1st one over and goes for a walk with him near a pond and "accidentally" falls in, without hesitation he jumps in and saves her. The next day he receives a note from her thanking him with $500. She does the same qith the 2nd one's husband, same result and same note and $500 for him. She tries with the third's husband. As she falls in the pond, he looks about to see if anyone is warching, not seeing anyone, he walks away pretending not to motice her. The next day he receives $1000 with a note of thanks from his father in law.
GOOD MAN!!!!!
-
#BadJokie16
Q: What are Timon and Pumbaa having for breakfast?
A: A tuna frittata
-
#BadJoke17
How did the woodworkers get the lastest gossip?
A: A whittled bird told them
-
#BadJoke18
Q: Why did the baseball catcher spend a night at the field?
A: Because he felt right at home.
-
(http://hartlyn.neocities.org/satanhot.jpg)
Well send it back!!!!!
If I only could!!!! ;D
Well get on it!!!!!
Okay Rags it’s on its way!!! -angelic smile-
Angelic smile? Nope... that does not work for you. I KNOW YOU!!!!!
Yes you do!!! ~bwahaha~
-
#BadJoke19
Q: Where does the computer mouse like to hang out?
A: At the scroll bar!
-
#BadJoke20
Q: What do you call fans of both Star Trek and Jeopardy?
A: Trebekkies!
-
a eoman told her fiance that her mother said she would die if she marriee him. He replied and that will be the best wedding gift we receive, lets move the wedding up about 2 months.
-
;D ::)
-
#BadJoke21
Q: What did the sun say to the tree?
A: Why do you always throw shade when I am around?
-
a guys mother in law had come to visit but it seemed she had stayed for a very long time. his neighbour asks about her and says so qhere is she now. the guy says she is in the garden. the neighbour looks over tje fence and says where I do not see her. the guy says well you have to dig a little deeper then.
-
Heh heh...
-
timmy abd family are stuck at home due to covid. timmy is getting bored. his father says I will let you do something exciting, I will show you how I had fun when I was your age. timmy said you mean you are going to show me how to ride a dinosaur?
-
:-\
-
my mother and law and I were happy for 20 plus yeas then we met and no one has been happy since
-
LOL
-
#BadJoke22
Q: What do you call an ostrich running through a cornfield>
A: crop duster!
-
*facepalms*
-
Rick my friend,
Please take your meds.
;D ;)
-
a man is playing golf with a line of guys waiting behind him. as he gets ready to hit the ball, a funeral procession goes by with a dog chasing the hearse. another guy walks up and asks what this is all about the man says well that was my mother in laws funeral procession that just went by. the guy says how did she die? the man says my dog, the one chasing the hearse bit her. the guy says mind if I borrow your dog? the man says get in line poiting to the line following him around the course.
-
#BadJoke23
Q: Why couldn't the bumblebee choose which flower to land on?
A: It was having a floral dilemma.
-
LOL
-
a guy is telling his friend that his mother in law is never available on thursdays as she has a weekly appointment with satan to give HIM lessons in afflicting others.
-
Sounds about right.
-
a man is on a lifeboat with some other passengers from a sinking cruise ship. his wife was still on board. He offers a reward of $1000 to anyone who will go back and rescue her. one guy swims back and returns with a woman and says here she is, where is the $1000. the man says that is not my wife, that is my mother in law. the guy who rescued her says oops, umm how much do I owe you.
-
LOL
-
a man calls 911 and reports that his mother in law is trying to jump out of their window. the operstor says we will sond someone iver to help tslk her out of it. the man says forget that, send someone over to help me open the window it is stuck.
-
Heh heh heh...
There ARE times when it literally means "Break glass in emergency".
-
Two men are talking about their holiday plans. One says well, every Christmas I get sick for about a week which is exactly how ling my mother in law comes to visit.
-
And that is why eggnog sales and liquor sales skyrocket.
-
I once tried to drown my sorrows, unfoetunately my mother in law knows how to swim
-
Club her unconscious first, a couple cinder block chained to her neck, and problem solved.
-
a wife is complaining to her husband as she looks in the mirror and says I am getting old, my skin is wrinkling, my breasts are sagging as is my butt which is too big, then turns to him and says well, arent you goong to say anything to cheer me up? he says well, on the plus side there is nothing wrong with your eyesight
-
Gotta wonder if he realized those were going to be his last words?
-
a man said he has mixed emotions about the death of his mother in law. when asked qhy he said she had accidentslly driven off a cliff but was in his new car at the time.
-
They make insurance for both. ::)
-
a man and his wife went to florida to visit her mother. while there, they decided to tour an alligator farm. as they were looking about, his mother in law fell into one of the alligator pits. the man jumped into the pit to save the alligator.
-
Poor gater... :'(
-
#BadJoke24
Q: Who was the spiciest knight of King Arthur's Round Table?
A: Sir Racha
-
#Badjoke25
Q: What did the basketball say to the therapist?
A: I feel a little empty inside
-
the mother in law said to her son in law I know you cannot wait until I am dead, I bet you will dance on my grave. The man replied never, you know how much I hate waiting in lines.
-
Yes Rick my friend... you did warn us of bad jokes. LOL
-
the mother in law said to her son in law I know you cannot wait until I am dead, I bet you will dance on my grave. The man replied never, you know how much I hate waiting in lines.
Heh heh heh...
She assumes she will actually get a grave and not just some ditch or ravine? LOL
-
a man takes his dog to the vet and asks if there is a way to make him stop wagging his tail. the vet says that just means he is happy why would you want him to stop doing it? the man says my mother un law is coming tomorrow and I do not want anything to make her think she is welcome, I have already removed the welcome mats from the doorways. bit a wagging dog tail may give her the wrong impression.
-
Just meet her at the door, smile, and say "GO HOME."
-
a man said his mother in law is mad at him because of the birthday gift he gave her. his friend said qhy would she get mad over a birthday gift? the man replied well I told her it was something for her bath, then gave her a toaster.
-
#Badjoke26
Q: Why did the toothbrush cross the road?
A: For a change of paste.
-
:-X :-\ :-X :-\ :-X :-\ :-X :-\
-
I spent years looking for my mother in law's killer but have yet to find someone who will take the job
-
How much you offering? LOL
-
a group are talking about their vacations and other trips. they ask one guy about his trips, he says the best trip I ever took was when I dropped my mother in law off at the airport.
-
;D
-
I made the decision to take my mother in law off life support, I had to fight past 2 nurses a doctor and my wife to get to the plug but I managed it
-
Mission accomplished!!!!!
-
#BadJoke27
Q: What did the maple tree say when it got tired?
A: I'm all tapped out!
-
oooph... :'(
-
#BadJoke28
Q: What's the best thing about Monday?
A: I don't know. Ask me on Tuesday.
-
adam and eve were both lucky, neither of them had a mother in law
-
#BadJoke28
Q: What's the best thing about Monday?
A: I don't know. Ask me on Tuesday.
Ask me on Saturday around 11am.
-
adam and eve were both lucky, neither of them had a mother in law
But their sons sure were winners...
-
well cain and able sure had problems at least seth came out ok so 1 out of 3 lol.
-
LOL
-
I saw a movie about a group of witches trying to summon an evil spirit, it must have worked because 5 minutes later my mother in law came over
-
Man cave time.
-
a man bought his mother in law a cemetary plot for her birthday the next year he did not buy her a gift at all. when she asked why no gift this year, he said I am still waiting for you to use the one I bought you last year
-
LOL
-
a married man just started a group to help men remain bachelors. anytime one of them even suggests marriage, he sends his mother in law over to that guys house who always quickly changed his mind the success rate of the group has been phenominal
-
That would do it!!!!!
-
after it was discovered that a man had 2 wives, the police cane to his door to arrest him and said do you know the penalty for having 2 wives in this state? the man said same as in any state, you have 2 mothes in law which is mpre than enough punishment for anyone
-
There is truth in that!!!!!
-
I tried to do a good deed for my mother in law last night but she got mad at me for it. as she was sleeping in our spare bedroom, I decided I would help prevent her deom getting covid by holding a pillow over her face as she slept.
-
Seems logical to me. She did not get covid!
-
a preacher asked a group of is congregational members what they would do if they only had 4 weeks left to live. 1 said he would devote that time to helping the poor, another said she would devote the time to the church 1 guy in the back said he would go to his mother in laws house, everyone was confused until he said it would make the 4 weeks feel like forever
-
#BadJoke29
Q: Why was the garden stinky?
A: The gardener pooped his plants
-
#BadJoke30
Q:Why did the candle read Shakespeare?
A: It liked to wax poetic!
-
Thats it. I need to get stronger paga around here.
-
a woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night and says there is a burglar downstairs eating the food my mother gave us. her husband says I will call an ambulance and have them bring a stomach pump
-
In the morn if they are still alive.
-
#BadJoke31
Q: What did the pepperoni say to the mozerella?
A: You wanna pizza me?
-
Timmy's sister comes in very late from her date, so much so that it is the next morning, fortunately for her, the only one up at the time is Timmy. She makes him promise not to tell their parents how late she came in. Later that day, their parents yell at her for coming home so late. She then yells at Timmy saying I thought you promised not to tell our parents how late I came in. Timmy says, I didn't tell them, all I said was it was boring eating breakfast without you being here.
-
Heh heh...
-
timmys teacher is writing the homework assignment for the class on the board but as it is very lengthy she has to reach high to the top of the board. as she does so, she hears one of the students start laughing. she turns around and asks what is so funny one of the male students says he had just seen the top of one of her stockings. she gets frustrated and says that is nothing to laugh at you are suspended for 2 days. she resumes writing and still has to reach high to do so. again she hears laughing and turns around yelling what is so funny. another male student says he had just seen the tops of both of her stockings she saus there is nothing to laugh at about that and susoends him for a week. she turns back around to finish writing but drops the chalk and has to bend over to pick it up she hears laughter again and turns around to see timmy getting ready to walk out the door. she says where are you going? he says after what I just saw, I presume I am suspended for the rest if the month.
-
;D
-
Timmy is learning about table manners for his first date. He is asked how would you excuse yourself from the table to use the bathroom, remember not to use the word bathroom or describe what it is you need to do in there. Timmy thinks for a moment then says, I would say, please excuse me for a moment, I need to go shake hands with a friend who I hope to introduce you to later this evening.
-
*Facepalms*
-
timmys class is touring the police station. on the board where the local most wanted are posted, timmy sees his fathers picture and says hiw nice it is that the police put a picture of his father on their wall, right at the top
-
"Family pride"
-
timmy was talking with his friends father a cia agent and asked him what the most interesting case he ever worked on was. He replied with the usual, I could tell you but then I would have to kill you. timmy said well could you please tell my sister.
-
Heh heh...
-
Timmy was walking through town with the family cow on a rope. the pastor sees him and asks where he is going with the cow. timmy says to mcginty's farm he has a bull and I am taking our cow there so the bull can get her pregnant. the pastor said isn't that more of a job for your father? timmy looks at the cow for a moment then says no, I think the bull is the best for the job.
-
;D
-
timmys teacher said if you have $8 and I have 8$ and I ask you to loan me your $8 what do you have. timmy said a knocked out teacher and me with $16
-
Timmy makes me proud.
-
timmys teacher said if you have $100 abd I ask you yo lend me $25, how much do you have left? timmy said $100, you can ask all you want it doesnt mean I have to say yes.
-
LOL
-
timmys father knew timmy had been given his report card but he had not seen it as uet so he asked timmy qhere it was timmy said I loaned it to my friend he wants to pass it off as his to scare his parents
-
LOL
-
timmy had been sick and missed a few days of school. upon his return, he asks if anyone had missed him or noticed he had been gone. one student said why yes, we noticed it had been a lot quieter for those days but I am not aure anyone actually missed your snoring from the back of the room.
-
And Timmy kicked his ass after school and he was gone three days.
Heh heh...
-
timmy's father was talking about how so many famous people had died bob hope, steve jobs, johnny cash. timmy chimed in and said so now we have no hope, no jobs, and no cash does that mean when kevin bacon dies no more bacon too?
-
Will always be bacon.
-
timmy is going aboit the neighbourhood asking people if they meed any odd jobs done to make a bit of money. He comes accross and older gent who says I will pay you $50 to paint my porch and another $50 if you habe the job done today. timmy accepts the offer. A short time later timmy knocks on the gents door and saits he is done and by the way that is not a porche it is a ferrari
-
#BadJoke32
Q: What is it called when you wake up thinking it's a work day, but then you realize its the weekend?
A: Satur-YAY!
-
#BadJoke33
Q: Where do you find cow farts?
A: In the dairy air!
-
Timmy never reaches the age of an old gent...
Gotta love YAYdays...
Well, two out of three is not bad I suppose.
::)
-
timmy's class had a substitute teacher she told the class, my name is Miss Prussy, there is an r after the 1st letter do not ever forget it and made them say her name properly. A few weeks later Miss Prussy returns and aska ok do you remember my name? timmy says let me see, I know there is an r after the 1st letter is it Miss Crunt?
-
::)
-
one day timmy's parents are out, his father at work, his mother shopping. so he brings his girlfriend home and they start making out on the couch. His mother comes home earlier than expected and sees them. she chuckles at him having his 1st girl friend. timmy asks her not to tell his father so he will not be teased about having a girl firend and she agrees and says it will be our secret. the girl goes home. later that evening during dinner timmy's father notices a hicky on timmy's neck and asks him where he got it. timmy says it is a secret between him and his mother. the rest of dinner was very very quiet.
-
Father is a pervert. LOL
-
the teacher asks timmy if a store has a sale where one can buy 2 dozen bottles of wine for $2 each what is that? timmy says about 4 days worth at my house
-
Heh heh...
-
timmy had been particularly bad one year so to teach him a lesson, his parents put dog poop undsr the christmas tree. timmy comes down, sees the dog poop and starts looking all over the place and whistling. his parents asking him what he is doing. he replies obviously santa brought me a puppy but I cant find it anyplace
-
And that night his parents discovered the dog poop inside their pillow cases.
-
a guy who obviously has already had too much to drink stumbles into the local bar. the bartender saus no, have have already had enough, get out. the drunk goes around the building to the other door, the bartender saus I already told you no, now out. the drunk finds his way to the back door and atumbles through it. the bartender says how many times do I have to tell you out. the drunk says how many bars do you work at in this town?
-
LOL
-
timmy had asked his father to help him learn fractions for an oral quiz the next day. the next morning the tracher asks timmy what is 1/8 +1/8 timmy says 1/4 she says right ok what is 1/4 + 1/4 timmy says 1/2 she says right ok what is 1/2 + 1/2 timmy says a full pint of vodka
-
;D
-
timmys father was reading and article about horses abd says to timmys mother it says here thar horses have a photographic memory. she replied too bad the only images the ones you bet on ate of the rear ends of the winners.
-
Rumor has it, Mother barely remembers her last comment.
-
timmys sister is on a diet she comes out from weighing herself and says she has lost 10 lbs timmy who is standing near by says look behind you and you will find it
-
Timmy might awaken in a couple days.
-
timmy gets up in the night for a glass of water he passes his parents bedroom and sees them going at it. timmy says ooo hoseback ride can I ride on your back daddy. his father relieved timmy did not ask questions allows him to get on his back and maintsins his tempo jist as his mother starts moaning. timmy says hold on yiggt this is where the milkman and I usually get thrown off.
-
Bet that changed the rhythm...
-
on the 1st day of school timmy asked the teacher if he could bring a deck of cards to the classroom. the teacher asked what for timmy said for when I get bored during your lectures
-
Heh heh...
-
#BadJoke34
Q: Where do thumbs hang out after work?
A: At the Space Bar
-
timmy's sister asked him to take a picture of her for her webpage. timmy starts to walk out of the room, she asks where are you going. timmy replies well you want me to take your picture so, I am going to get a wide angle lens so all of you will fit in the picture
-
And Timmy woke up an hour later.
-
timmy and his fri2nds qent out for a night on the town after the second stop they had only gone a block or so on the way to their third planned stop when timmy looked over and saw joe was missing and said we have to go back for him. they backed up to get joe. as they did one of his friends said I admire that you do not want to leave anyone behind. tinmy said well joe is the one with the money to pay for everything.
-
Practical.
-
timmys mum calls the family to dinner. timmy arrives first and announces his sister has just become a vegetarian so he will be eating her portion of the meatloaf. his mother asked who told him she was a vegetarian. timmy said well if the mest is gone when she gets here and all that is left are the vegetables then she will be a vegetarian at least for tonight
-
::) ;D
-
one day timmys mum was driving him to school when a truck carring adult sex toys tipped over its load flying everywhere. A large dildo flew over the car. Timmy asked what was that. His mum, having seen what happened with the truck, knowing what it was said it was a fly. Timmy said it must have been huge given the size of its penis.
-
Heh heh...
-
timmy was at the park playing fetch with his dog. he accidentally threw the stick on to the lake. he was amazed when the dog walked on the water and retrieved the stick. he tried it again, same result. a man was approaching, timmy said watch this. he threw the stick on the lake, the dog again walked on the water and retrieved the stick. ti my said notice anything unusual about my dog. the ma says yes obviously he does not know how to swim. ti.my hit him with the stick.
-
:-\
-
#BadJoke35
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road across from the tavern.
A: To get a bock beer!
-
the teacher gives timmys class an assignment to write a short essay about how to make the world a better place by removing just 1 thing. timmy asks the teacher how do you spell your name as he began the essay.
-
#BadJoke35
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road across from the tavern.
A: To get a bock beer!
At least it had a reason bro!!!!!
-
the teacher gives timmys class an assignment to write a short essay about how to make the world a better place by removing just 1 thing. timmy asks the teacher how do you spell your name as he began the essay.
I like this little guy.
-
timmys teacher gave th3m an assignment to write a letter to a family member but it had to something they felt to be important and, while looking at timmy, clean. Timmy wrote a letter to his mother that night I am hungry, I would love something made with bacon in it, like say a bacon cheese burger, written with all my love Timmy.
-
Well.... meh...
-
cant argue with his love for bacon
-
timmys teacher said if you have $400 abd 1 friend texts you and says he needs $100 and another texts you and says she needs $200, what do you have. timmy said $400 and 2 blocked friends with unread messages.
-
LOL
-
timmys mother tells him he has to start helpinb out around the house. timmy said I already do, I mean, I raised my feet when you were vacuumkng by the chair didnt I?
-
That would have earned me bruised shins when I was little.
-
me too but this is timmy we are talking about lol
-
LOL
-
timmys class qas given an assignment to take a picture showing how pollution can ruin the encironment or landscape. timmy was trying to think of a place to take such a picture when his sister suggested he simply take a picture of his room as an example
-
Time to remove the sister from the equation.
-
timmys mum was reading an article that said stress and anxiety can cause acne. timmy said see I told you school was a bad place to be.
-
#BadJoke36
Q: What is a princess's favorite hot dog topping?
A: Cinder-relish!
-
#BadJoke37
Q: Why did the cookie buy a self-help book?
A: Because it had a chip on it's shoulder!
-
timmys mum was reading an article that said stress and anxiety can cause acne. timmy said see I told you school was a bad place to be.
Inquiring minds want to know!!!
-
#BadJoke36
Q: What is a princess's favorite hot dog topping?
A: Cinder-relish!
#BadJoke37
Q: Why did the cookie buy a self-help book?
A: Because it had a chip on it's shoulder!
Modify message
Bro... "Bad" just does not do these justice. LOL
-
timmys sister was trying to impress her date and stated she had attended 4 charm schools. timmy popped up and said yes and she flunked out of every one of them.
-
LOL
-
when tinmy turned 21 he qent to the bar and yelled it is my birthday, give me beer and give everyone else a beer because when I drink, everyone drinks. everyone cheers and wishes him a happy brithday. he then says give me a hamburger and give one to everyone here because when I eat, everyone eats. they all cheer for him. a little while later he says give me my bill and give everyone else their bills too because when I pay, everyone pays.
-
Do that in the watering holes I frequent, he never saw 21 and a day!!!!!
-
timmy comes home from school, his mother asks what he did and learned at school. he talks about playing at recess and about his classes. his mother said why did you lie? your teacher called and said you got in teouble for fughting at recess. timmy said, I didnt lie, I just omitted unimportant details.
-
Timmy is learning. *G*
-
timmy asked his mum if school is so educational why do I have to keep going back every day?
-
For sports!!!!!
-
timmy asked his older sister for help on his homework she said no, you habe to do it yourself. timmy then said oh by the way I know what time you came home last night....homework completed 30 minutes later.
-
Heh heh...
-
timmy's father told him to go out to the yard and rake up all the leaves. timmy said I wont have to if I wait until tomorrow. his father said what happens tomorrow? timmy said it is so windy out that of I wait until then they will all be in the neighbours yard not ours.
-
Heh heh...
-
#BadJoke38
Q: Why did Johnny Appleseed cross the road?
A: To get to the other cider.
-
#BadJoke38
Q: Why did Johnny Appleseed cross the road?
A: To get to the other cider.
*SCREAMS!!!!!*
-
timmy's teacher said ok class it is time for today's english lesson. she looked over and saw timmy with his hands clasped and eyes closed and said what are you doing? timmy said my mum always has me pray before I go to sleep.
-
;D
-
#BadJoke39
Q: Why was the Miami Dolphin called for a personal foul?
A: He tripped a player on porpoise!
-
#BadJoke40
Q: Who won the race of princesses?
A: Rapunzel, by a hair
-
#BadJoke41
Q: Whaty do you get when you cross AquaMan with SpiderMan?
A: AquaNet
-
#BadJoke42
Q: What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
A: Sneakers!
-
timmy found an old picture of his mum and was looking at it, he asked who was in the licture, she said it was her. he said you were so young and thin, she said yes. he then said too bad you are neither of those now.
-
Rick my old friend, did you receive another head blow or something? LOL
Nate... Timmy is going to be taking a dirt nap very soon.
-
timmys parents saw him smiling on the way to his room for his online class for school. thunking him and smiling for class were out of character, they asked him what the smile was about. he said well, I do not have to get up early for class, do not have to go outside and ride in a bus, and no matter what I do, the teacher cannot keep me after school
-
Heh heh...
-
timmy was asked if he was the one who left the loo in a mess, he said not that he recalled. well you were the last one in there he was told. he said I have a rule if I do not remember it, it disnt happen and no one can prove otherwise
-
There is a flaw with Timmy's theory in there. Parental accusations always seem to override their kid's ironclad factual proof.
-
#BadJoke43
Q: Why did the pharmaceutical cross the road?
A: To get to the other side-effect
-
#BadJoke44
Q: What is a zombie's favorite treat?
A: You might think it's brain food, but it's actually eye candy!
-
#BadJoke45
Q: How did the coffee get so strong?
A: By doing the French press
-
timmy came home with a large rip in his trousers near the pocket. his mum asked him what happened. he said he was walking their dog near the park when his handa got cold. he stuck his hands in his pockets holding the leash when the dog saw a squirrel. needless to say the leash ripped through the trousers and the dog dragfed him through the park. she looked about and said wheres the dog he said that is the odd part he went up a tree after a squirrel and cant get back down.
-
Rick... I like the eye candy joke!!!!!
Nate... borrow some of Rick's meds today.
-
#BadJoke46
Q: What do you call two cows sunbathing together?
A: Fine leathered friends
-
#BadJoke47
Q: Why don't zombies like pirates?
A: They\re too salty! Arr!
-
timmy always wanted the light left on when he went to bed afraid there was a monster under his bed . one day he turned off the light before getting into bed. his father asked what changed, what about the monster. timmy said oh, I left him a map to my sisters room, he can go in there, besides with all the guys she lets in her room, i do not think she will even notice.
-
:o
-
timmys .um was sleeping in on a satirdsy morning. timmy came in and saw her asleep not moving so he pinched her she awoke and yelled what was that for. timmy said I wanted to know if I needed to call an ambulance for you. his mum said no but we may need one anyway looking at him
-
::)
-
tinnys teacher asked him if your father borrowed $100 and promised to pay $10 a week, after 7 weeks how much would he owe. timmy said $100. the teacher said you do not know math very well. timmy said and you do not know my father very well.
-
Neither Timmy or his teacher are very smart. At the end of seven weeks I would have the $100 and the next three weeks would be interest.
-
#BadJoke48
Q: What did the tortoise say to his sweetheart?
A: I turtley love you
-
#BadJoke49
Q: Why don't werewolves ever know the time?
A: Because they're not whenwolves
-
#Badjoke50
Q: Who's got the best dance moves at Thanksgiving?
A: The twerky!
-
Rick my old friend... you worry me. ;D
-
at timmys 1st job he asked what their sick leave poloce and health plan is. his boss said our health plan and policy is very simple if you plan on working here dont ever call in sick
-
at timmys 1st job he asked what their sick leave poloce and health plan is. his boss said our health plan and policy is very simple if you plan on working here dont ever call in sick
I've had that policy lots of times.
-
with covid many wives are watching videos on how to cut their husbands hair and doing so but if she offers a shave and haircut and takes out a straight razor, run and digure out what she found out about you later
-
with covid many wives are watching videos on how to cut their husbands hair and doing so but if she offers a shave and haircut and takes out a straight razor, run and digure out what she found out about you later
((Looks at Rags and JDL!!!!))
-
*Facepalms*
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
timmy asks his mum what her breasts are for she sidesteps the topic hoping he will forget about it. that night he asks his father about them. his father tries to avoid the topic but as timmy is little and keeps on aboit it saus they are like balloons when your mum dies we blow them up and they lift her to heaven. timmy seems satisfied withbthis and stops talking about the topic. the next day when his father comes home timmy runs to him upset and says his mum is dying. his father asks whats wrong timmy said uncle henry is in the bedroom with mum blowing up her balloons right now.
-
Egawds...
-
a man eas talking with his wife on how he could lose weiggt he starts by saying, ok I need 10,000 steps per day and it is 11 steps from the couch to the fridge, at which point she gave him the stare and prepared to smack hin
-
He will get more steps once he starts running for his life.
-
a wife who was always trying to get her husband to go on a diet fills the candy dish with candy corn for halloween. the husband sees it and asks why did you put candy corn in it, you know I hate candy corn. she smiled and said exactly.
-
Time to move her out and replace her.
-
timmys aunt showed a picture of herswlf when she was younger and said my husband went off to fight in the war and carried this picture with him into every battle he was in. timmy said did he use it to scare off the enemy?
-
"Run Timmy Run!!!!!"
-
#BadJoke51
Q: Why do squash balls not drink coffee?
A: They are already bouncing off the walls!
-
#BadJoke52
Knock knock
Who's there?
Donna
Donna who
Dunna-nunna-nunna-nunna-nunna Batman!
-
LOL *Facepalms*
-
timmy gets home from riding the bus with his father into town. she asks how it was timmy said it was ok but daddy made me get up to let a woman sit down. his mum says that was nice of your father. timmy says I was aitting on daddy's lap at the time.
-
*Facepalms*
-
ti.mys teacher was rather strict on proper use of words. ine day timmy jumped up in class and said I have to go leak. the teacher said the proper word is urinate. now please use it in a sentence. timmy said you're an 8 but with better make up and some weight loss you'd be a 10
-
And now Timmy is also leaking blood. But I still like his style. ;D
-
timmy asks his mum why their dog sleeps so much. she says well he is an older dog and they do sleep a lot I actually poke him sometimes to make sure he is still alive later that day, timmy came in from playing and saw his mum napping on the couch and went oce rand poked her then said just checking.
-
Raziel at work...
(https://i.postimg.cc/85zVBZ4w/Wkkk.jpg)
-
Hey Rags? You know more about Vikings then I do. Can you please confirm this? ;D ;D ;D
(https://i.postimg.cc/BZ5VQTCn/Vaalb.png)
-
lol on both the jar and the vikings
-
Hey Rags? You know more about Vikings then I do. Can you please confirm this? ;D ;D ;D
(https://i.postimg.cc/BZ5VQTCn/Vaalb.png)
No authority here, but rumor has it, if he poked his Mother, he would die. LOL
-
when yinmy was little his teacher asked the class for examoles of things not to put in their mouths. timmy said a light bulb. the teacher said good now can you tell me why not to out it in your mouth? timmy said I dont know but I keep hearing my mum tell my dad to turn off the light before you put it in my mouth.
-
when timmy was little his teacher was discussing the benefits of exercise for all ages. timmy said my father is a good runner. the teacher said oh? timmy replied yes, he runs from the police, the bill collectors, and his bookie.
-
Heh...
-
#BadJoke53
Q: How did the couple pay for their trip to Hawaii?
A: They bought it on lei-away.
-
when timmy's father gets home, timmy says that big guy you owe the money to was here looking for you. his father said oh, did he say where he was going when he left? tinny replied, who says he left, he is right behind you.
-
#BadJoke53
Q: How did the couple pay for their trip to Hawaii?
A: They bought it on lei-away.
UUUuuuugh......
And check your board IM's my friend!!!!!
-
when timmy's father gets home, timmy says that big guy you owe the money to was here looking for you. his father said oh, did he say where he was going when he left? tinny replied, who says he left, he is right behind you.
Uh oh...
-
timmys father comes home with a pizza and says I brought dinner home. his wife replied, I told you I was cooking dinner tonight. He said, I know, that's why I brought the pizza home.
-
I really hope he likes pizza, it will be a fashion statement after his woman makes him wear it!!!!!
-
with the quality of candidates running for office this year, I am voting for my cat, who I think can do a better job and has a better chance of winning.
-
But he is a pussy.
-
timmys mum asked her husband to take a picture of her and her mum together using her new cell phone. He willingly obliged them but the trouble began when he entitled the picture beauty and the beast.
-
But which was which?
-
timmy was doing sit ups to help stay in shape. he was boating about how many he could do then asked his father how many he could do, his mum chimed in and said your father doesn't do sit ups he just barely manages sit downs
-
He never gets to sit down. Too busy working to support that useless wench of a female. Slap a collar on her and show her where she belongs.
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timmy was concerned about his job security so he asked his boss how secure is my position in the company. his boss said every position in this vompany is vital so your position is quite safe. timmy felt a brief bit of relief until his boss said the only thing that changes regularly is the person in that position.
-
timmy's sister had a 2nd dste with a boy. when he showed up to pick her up, she said you are not like any other guy I have dated. he asked how so? timmy popped up and said vecause you showed up for a 2nd date instead of running away screaming after the 1st one.
-
timmys mum comes home from shopping with many bags of items. his father says wow that must have been some sale. she replies no, it was quite disappointing, the sales selection was quite limited. so I had to buy everything at full price
-
The divorce goes into effect December 7th.
-
with the way 2020 has been going it is going to be hard to tell the difference between halloween and any other day, goblins, ghouls and the like walking down the street will seem so normal not to mention the people wearing masks.
-
:-\ :'(
-
timmys father said you know, we should decorate the outside of the house for halloween, you know make it look run down, broken shutters, conwebs, spiders and the like. timmy said but it already looks like that. his mum said your father is just looking for a way to avoid work.
-
a group of marine recruits nearing graduation are comparing notes and debating on who the laziest recruit in their group is. they begin making bets and select a corporal to help make the decision, each oresents his case to the group for being the laziest. just as the last one speaks and the corporal is about to decide, they hear someone from the far corner bunk say would someone please roll me ober and just put the money in my pocket. he won
-
Must have been a Squid instead of a Marine. ::)
-
Spoken like a Marine Rags smiles
-
withball of the social distancing happening why do I somehow see kids tressing up drones in costumes and sending them door to door instead of going out tick or treating whike inside those handing out candy do so by drone as well. the meeting of the drones is upon us.
-
Star Wars!!!!!
Hey hon, grab my lightsaber, I'm going to need it. And have you seen my spare blaster?
I feel the Force awakening!!!
Or is that just gas from last night's dinner processing?
Either way, the Force is awakening!!!!!
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/hGty2b1q/Spellll.jpg)
-
an officer shows up at the pup after a bit of a dust up and asks ok then who broke the window? the bloke inside said oh that was chancy, he broke it when he left the pub? the officer says through the window? the barkeep said well it had to be helped out of the pub the window was just in the way.
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/hGty2b1q/Spellll.jpg)
LOL In some cases more than others!!!!!
-
an officer shows up at the pup after a bit of a dust up and asks ok then who broke the window? the bloke inside said oh that was chancy, he broke it when he left the pub? the officer says through the window? the barkeep said well it had to be helped out of the pub the window was just in the way.
The express exit.
-
after the dust up in the pub, chauncy returns and goes back in. on the way in his friend said you habe to be brae to go back in there after that. chauncy says brave nothing, I left half a pint on the counter and nothing is stopping me from finishing it.
-
My kind a man!!! That is how its done!!!
-
with smart watches being able to track the number of steps we take, oxygen level, heart rate, blood pressure, our location, etc. do we really want a device that knows more about us than we do?
-
Hell no. Not unless it will tell us important stuff, like...
Was that chick I slept with last night drunk free of STD's...
Am I free of STD's...
What that chicks name was...
Did she get my name...
Where did I leave my truck...
You know... important stuff!!!
-
#BadJoke54
Q: Why did the ghost cross the groad?
A: Because it was a poultry-geist
-
#BadJoke55
Q: What does Frankenstein drive?
A: A monster truck
-
#BadJoke56
Q: What do witches get when their shoes are too tight?
A: Candy corns!
(And I did check the DM, Ragnar. Been busy with a couple of things.)
-
#BadJoke57
Q: How did the zombie get into college?
A: He got all the brains in the family
-
#BadJoke57
Q: How did the zombie get into college?
A: He got all the brains in the family
Uuuuh...
-
after being arrested for fighting in the pub, mcginty denied it being him. when the police showed him the video, he said wow that bloke what looks like me sure has a good left hook.
-
LOL
-
chauncy is sitting at the bar in the local pub. the local known bukky walks up hits chauncy in the neck from behind and says that was a karate chop from japan. a bit later they same bloke hits him again and says that was a karate chop from china. chauncy gets up leaves for a few minutes, returns and hits the bloke from behind knocking him oit and says that was a crow bar from sears
-
Works for me.
-
a woman is awoken in the night by a knock on the door. She answers and sees it is a poloce officer. the officer says I have bad news, your husband has drowned in a vat of beer. the woman says how can this be? the officer said well, seems he was drunk when he went to work at the brewery and fell into the vat, it took him 3 hiurs to drown in the vat. she says three hours, how is that possible, he must have fought until the very end, why disnt someone pull him out? the officer said well, I am sure it would have been quicker, had he not gotten out several times to use the loo.
-
Heh heh...
-
at my age, bending over to touch my toes is not a challenge, however, I may need 2 paramedics and a chiropractor to stand back up.
-
LOL Getting down is always easier. Gravity helps.
-
mcginty is dining in a strak house and is known for ribbing chefs. he calls to the waiter to tell the chef he needs something better to cut his steak with. the waiter says I can bring you a steak knife. mcginty says I was thinking more along the lines of a chainsaw. the chef heard the commotion and for some reason no one has heard from mcginty since
-
Check the bin of ground beef in the walk-in.
-
come to think of ot, the meat at that steak house has tasted a little off lately
-
#BadJoke58
Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
A: He gave her a ring
-
#BadJoke59
Q: What did one cupcake say to the other?
A: You ain't seen muffin yet
-
#BadJoke60
Q: What do bakers and sunbathers have in common?
A: They don't like to burn their buns
-
a cop sees a guy stumble put of a bar at 2 am. the guy drops his keys about 4 times on the way to his car and always has trouble picking them up. he nearly falls down several times. he finally reaches his car and seems to be having trouble putting the key into the foor to unlock it. seeing enough, the cop goes over and ztsrts putting the guy through every dui test he can think of. as this is going on, the other pateons are coming out, going to their cars and leaving. the guy aces every test. the cop finally pulls out the portable breathalayzer and has him blow into it, 0.0. the guy is clearly not drunk. the cop aska him what all that stumbling around was about. the guy says I am the designated decoy.
-
#BadJoke60
Q: What do bakers and sunbathers have in common?
A: They don't like to burn their buns
Heh heh...
-
a cop sees a guy stumble put of a bar at 2 am. the guy drops his keys about 4 times on the way to his car and always has trouble picking them up. he nearly falls down several times. he finally reaches his car and seems to be having trouble putting the key into the foor to unlock it. seeing enough, the cop goes over and ztsrts putting the guy through every dui test he can think of. as this is going on, the other pateons are coming out, going to their cars and leaving. the guy aces every test. the cop finally pulls out the portable breathalayzer and has him blow into it, 0.0. the guy is clearly not drunk. the cop aska him what all that stumbling around was about. the guy says I am the designated decoy.
We did stuff like that in my younger years. *EG*
-
a man and wife were watching who wants to be a millionaire. the man begins making moves on his wife and asks if she wanted to go to the bedroom. she said no. he aska is thst your final answer. she said yes. he said ok then, mind if I phone a friend? he woke up in the er and still cannot see clearly
-
His mistake was asking. LOL
-
a bloke in a pub tells his friends while I was here with you last night a burglar broke into my flat. they ask what did he get? he says a broke jaw, 3 teeth knocked out, and a concussion. they said if you were here how did he get hurt so badly. he replies my wife thought it was me coming home drunk.
-
Whoa... rein in there Hoss. Prism was here last night. Must have been her sister at his place.
-
chaincy is complaining to his friend that it is almost time for his mother in law l's annual visit, she comes every holoday season. his friend replied at least is is not like with my cousin shaun, his mother in law only visited them once. chauncy said inky once, how is that a problem? his friend said, she came to visit the day after the wedding and never left.
-
I could get her to leave, and my calendar seems to be clear for a couple days next month. ::)
-
a bloke walks into a pub with both his eyes blackened. the barkeep asks who gave you thise two black eyes. the bloke replies, no one gave them to me, I earned them in a fight.
-
Best way to earn shiners!!!
-
as the constable is hauling chauncy off to the clink for drunk and disorderly, chauncy asks how does it make you feel to arrest a pillar of this community? the constable replies if I ever do arrest one, I will let you know.
-
Time to take ot the cop for being a not so funny smart-ass.
-
chauncy said there is one good thing about the covid regulations. his friend said what is that? chauncy replied my mother in law has never looked better npw that she has to wear a mask.
-
LOL
-
as chauncy was getting dressed for his 1st job in an office, for a few moments he thought he was about to have a stroke or heart attack, he could not breathe, his vision was getting blurry, his chest hurt, until he realized he had tied his tie too tight and his shirt collar was one size too small. first time wearing a tie for any reason.
-
Knows that feeling.
*Shudders*
-
sean comes over to chaincy's house and says I am here for the money I loaned you monday youzaid you would pay me on saturday. chauncy replies ah, but I did not say which saturday now did I and closes the door.
-
Kick in the door and collect compensation with interest.
-
sean asked chauncy who was that older woman. chauncybreplied og, that was my mother in law. sean said and what was with the umbrella she was carrying, it is not raining. chauncy said she uses the tip of it to make sure everyone staus socially distant from her, though her attitude is usually enough to put anyone off withiut the umbrella
-
Ummm... Mother-in-law...
Nuff said.
-
sean says I had to go to the doctor about my shoulder and elbow hurting. I can not play pool or bowl. Chauncy says I already know you cant bowl or play pool but what did the doctor say about your shoulder and elbow?
-
:(
-
sean asks chauncy how his wife is doing in her cooking class. chauncy said well last nught the assignment was to make lasagna, she got detention for trying to poison the teacher.
-
Ooooph...
-
chauncy went to pick his mother in law up at the air port. as she got into the car, he asked her how long she planned to visit. she replied only as long as you want me to. chauncy said, oh not even staying for a cup of tea then as he turned the car around.
-
Heh...
-
chauncy learned the hard way one should never tell one's wife that cleaning house is good exercise or a fun relaxing hobby he is expected to be released from hospital in about a week.
-
Greed. He should not have to sugarcoat it. Just command her to do it.
-
seems our friend chauncy just can not stay out of trouble. his wife asked him if he would do the trust fall exercise with her, where she would fall backwards trusting he would catch her. he said he would but qirh her qeight, they would both end up on the floor abd he would need an ambulance after. turned out he needed one anyway after saying it.
-
Oooph...
He chose... poorly.
-
chauncy is driving home from the pub late at night, shortly after the pubs have closed. he gets pulled over, given the time, the constables are looking for those driving under influence. The constable asks chauncy and just where might you be headed at this late hour? chauncy replies, I am on my way to a lecture about drinking. the constable asks and just who would be giving such a lecture at this wee hour? chaincy says my wife as soon as I get home.
-
The correct answer to "Where are you going" is...
"NUNYA!!!!!"
-
chauncy asks his wife what is for dinner. she says she received a secret recipie from her mum and will be trying it. chauncy replied, I have had your mum's cooking, please tell her to keep the recipie a secret.
-
Aaaaaaand it is time to go stay in the mancave awhile. ::)
-
chauncy's wife made left overs. he compalins, not this again. she replied well if you think you can do better, you lut something on the table. chauncy says right, I will and it will be better than this to be sure as he gets up and heada toward the door. she says the kitchen os that way, where are you going. chauncy says to the take Indian take away place down the street. He did not make it to the door.
-
He needed to move quicker.
-
chauncy went to sean's house. as soonnas sean saw chauncy, he said do not ask to borrow money. chauncy saidnow dont think I would come here just to borrow money from you but, now that you mention it, I dont suppose you would have $20 that I could look after for you for a week or two do you?
-
Rumor has it the slam of the door is still being heard around the world.
-
chauncy's wife sees their son wearing his father's glasses. she asks why he has them on. he replies he wanted to be more like his father and thought they would help. she asks well did it work? he said no they jist made me dizzy and confused. she says ah so they did work then.
-
Must have been wearing them when he married.
-
a scientist named henry invented a potion to turn people into turkeys as a prank but as no one was around to test it, he tested it on himselrlf. the good news is the potion worked the bad news is he did it on thanksgiving and the lab will now miss him.
-
Scientists... Members of the higher educated class.
-
chauncy was in the pub and ordered another beer. the tender said dont you think you habe had enough, I mean, you are on the floor. chauncy said just put a funnel in my mouth and pour.
-
If one can indicate somehow they want another, give it to them. They haven't had enough yet.
::)
-
chauncy is headed toward the door, just as somone knocks. he opens the door to find the manager there who says may I come in and discuss how you are planning to catch up on your rent. chaincy saus sure come on in. as they enter, he leaves and closes the door on his way to the pub.
-
Heh...
-
chauncy is in the pub, the keep says you have had enough. chauncy looks over to him and says which of you four said that?
-
Nope, he hasn't had enough. There should be six of them.
-
chauncy and his wife are eating dinner. he says what did you do differently when you made this? she asks why is something wrong with it? he says no, it is actually edible. who know it was possibly his last meal.
-
Any man with a steady female presence knew it.
-
...SLAMS my baking pan on Chauncy's head!!!!
-
Izee, I didnt know you know chauncy.
-
chauncy gave his wife a bracelet saying it belonged to his grandmum. his wofe looked at it and said it is quite nice but umm why does it have DNR inscribed on it?
-
::)
-
chauncy's wife said did you hear me when I said my mum may pop by for a visit today? chauncy replied I heard you, I just needed to make some adjustments to the door locks to make sure qe project the proper message to her and bring in the welcome mat to add to it. 2 seconds later smack.
-
Safer just to text his reply.
-
from a pub in another town
-
chauncy's wife said chauncy never plays monoply because it is too close to his actual life, he ends up owing everyone money and going to jail often.
-
Sounds like most of the US in another couple weeks. :'( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:(
-
chauncy was embarassed to be thrown out of the pub. it wasnt so much that he got thrown out that was the problem, it was the fact that it was the barmaid what did the throwing. he did not know she is a former lady wrestler
-
Damn Amazons. Every guy should own a couple. ;D ::)
-
timmys sister asks their mum if she can get those lip inkections models and actors get to male her lips look fuller and her more interesting. timmy replied if you want to be more interesting, you need brain injections not lip injections.
-
Timmy's funeral is in three days.
-
chauncy and sean are arguing in the pub. the keep says now chauncy you know sean is entitled to his opinion on whatever it is you two are fighting about. chauncybsays I know but he keeos saying your pub is falling apart. sean was ejected.
-
Who knew... :o
-
chauncy was asked to fill out a survey on why he chose the pub he was in. he wrote because it is the only one in town that has not banned me.
-
Makes perfect sense to me.
-
someone asked chauncy if he had served in the military. he replied he had. another said got a high rank I heard too something like field marshal. no that was court martial replied sean.
-
:-\
-
chauncy comes acctiss a group collecting money to help local animal support groups. they ask him to contribute. he says matter of fact I am in my way to support some animals now. I am in my way to the race track betting office.
-
chauncy comes home and announces he brought chinese takeaway for dinner. his wife says, you knew I was cooking tonight. chauncy replies exactly which us why I brought home the takeaway.
-
Ever seen a guy force-fed Chinese? It isn't pretty.
-
it was the 1st game of the year for the local football (aka soccer) team. someone asked sean why chauncy wasnt on the pitch, didnt he make the team this year? sean replied he made the team this uear but could not make bail last night.
-
:-\
-
the pub keep told chauncy he was not getting any more drinks until he paid his tab and to leave and not return. chauncy said if I cant return how am I to pay my tab. the keep ejected chauncy.
-
Kiss that tab goodbye.
-
as the trial was winding down and the jury charged with dilberting the verdict chauncy heard one of the jurors yell he is guilty of all charges lets vote and get on with it. I suppose it is only a chance happening that his mother in law was one of the jurors.
-
Finished before he gets started...
-
sean's mobile rings he answers and says no, I do not need a loan. chauncy grabs the mobile and says did you say something about a loan?
-
I hate telemarketers.
We should have a button on our phones that says "NUKE".
Telemarketer calls, we press NUKE, their phone detonates taking the caller and everything within a 20 meter radius to a far far place never to return. Unless of course bits and pieces rain down around where they once were.
-
chauncy says never borrow money from someone who is young with a good memory only borrow from those who are a bit older and easily forget things, like how much you borrowed.
-
Shame on him. Let's roll him when he comes out of the watering hole. Heh heh...
-
sean asked chauncy if he is going to his class reunion. chauncy said no, everyone there expects me to pay them back the money I borrowed while in school.
-
Chauncy needs a shallow dirt-nap.
-
chauncy says to his wife, this time if year is exhausting, putting up the tree and decorations, sending out Christmas cards, shoppong for gifts, all that is so tiring. she says I am the one who did all that work. chauncy says I know but watching you do it wore me out.
-
chauncy should be very wary on eating the next meal his wife makes!
-
*Looks at my bond, blinks, and goes back out on the plains to live off the land.*
-
chauncy comes home and tells his wife he had seen her mum at the market and what she was wearing improved her looks considerably. his wife asks what was it she was wearing. he replies a mask.
-
Calling hours to be determined.
-
chauncy comes home, his wife says been to that same old pub again eh? he says no, me and sean went to that new place, it just opened. she asks so how was it? he replied it was the nicest pub I have been thrown out of yet.
-
Sounds a might familiar... lol
-
chauncy asks his wife if they received and mail. she says just the neighbours annual Christmas newsletter. he replies why dont we ever do a newsletter. she says because to do a newsletter ine has to do something of interest. chauncy said well, your mother had her witch's warts removed doesnt that count as newsworthy?
-
:o
-
as chauncy was coming home from the pub he was singing his off key rendition of rudolph the red nosed reindeer. as he enters the house his wife says well you amd rudolph have one thing in common, you both have red noses.
-
OHHHHhhhhh..... wifey got run over by a reindeer..... flipping me shit upon return to home.....
-
chaincy comes home after having a bit too much at the pub and spends 3 hours yelling at the snowman the kids build by his house to get out of the way until his wife looks out and yells why are you yelling at a snowman
-
*Scratches head*
Intoxicated or sober, if something I thought was alive was in my yard and remained there after three minutes of yelling, I would have already shot it, cleaved it, or blown it to kingdom come.
I'm just funny that way.
-
-scratches Rag’s address off my Christmas caroling list - LOL
-
chauncy's wife comes home and says her sister and mother are with her. did you remember to put out snacks and drinks? chauncy has a bag if doritos and case of beer by him, and replies always but what are you lot going to have?
-
I would have chosen a bit more elaborate last meal.
-
chauncy's wife made cherries jubilee for desert but when she tried to light it on fire it would not ignite. chauncy said that is the first thing wou have made that would not burn.
-
Chauncy now models the latest in Cherries Jubilee suppositories.
-
chauncy had a bit too much Christmas spirit last night and decided to make a snowman. when he awoke he remembered making it but what he could not recall was where or how he had gotten the policeman's hat that was now on top of it.
-
He should be free by Christmas 2022.
-
promptly at midnight Dec 26, chauncy immediately took the Christmas decorations and tree down. hus wife said you do realize that doing that will not make this year end any faster dont you?
-
"Be silent woman and get me another beer."
-
#BadJoke61
Q: Where do animals go wehen their tails fall off?>
A: The re-tail shop
-
#BadJoke62
Q: What's the bhear minimuim?
A: 1 bear
-
#BadJoke63
Q: How do you make a fruit punch?
A: Give it boxing lessons
-
the local constables are called out to their 4th bar fight of the evening. the first one on scene says to the second, this is odd. the second says what is so odd about four bar fights on a saturday night? the first says the odd part is that chauncy was not involved in any of them.
-
Welcome back Rick!!! Thought you fell off the face of the earth!!!
-
the local constables are called out to their 4th bar fight of the evening. the first one on scene says to the second, this is odd. the second says what is so odd about four bar fights on a saturday night? the first says the odd part is that chauncy was not involved in any of them.
Yet...
-
the barkeep gets off the phone and tells chauncy he had best hurry up and finish his pint. chauncy says why I am not going anywhere just as his wife comes in and says oh yes you are and drags him off.
-
Men's only watering holes. Problem solved. ::) ;D
-
chauncy says to the barkeep, you know pizza poaces deliver, chinese places deliver, you can mow even get kfc delivered. the keep says for the last time, I am not going to deliver a pint to your house every time you call.
-
not even if we answer the door naked???? asking for a friend!!
-
Hmmmm.... :o :-\ ;D
-
sean was chatting up a girl at the pub saying he had been in the army. she said did you destroying anything while you were there? chauncy replies the only thing he destroyed was a few batches of biscuits, he was a cook.
-
Instead of chatting her up he should have been working on her biscuits.
-
chauncy and his wife go to a marriage counselor. the counselor says you mist each speak what is on your mind as we go through the process. chauncy's wife says I can do the speaking for us both. end of session, his wife asks when do you want us back for another session, the counselor says I dont.
-
Leading cause of divorce is marriage. Guys... just enslave them instead!!!
-
chauncy made a new years resolution to order two drinks a day. the barkeep at the pub said he would be impressed if chauncy had not switched feom ordering by the pint to ordering pitchers.
-
Two drinks are two drinks. ::)
-
chauncy goes to the bank for a loan. he is informed that they prefer all bankong to be done online. he says how is a computer supposed to determine whether or not I am approved for a loan. they tap a couple buttons on the computer and say easy, the computer keeps printing out no no no no no.
-
See how the monitor fits the bank person's head as a hat. Use whatever force is required to make it fit.
-
chauncy's wife asks him to take a picture of her and her mum. as he is trying to focus, he asks his wife to move a little to the left, then tells his mother in law to move outside to improve the picture.
-
Bad choice. Should have used a telephoto lens and got the chick next door.
-
the barkeep gets a call and turns to chauncy and says its your wife. chauncy says tell her I just left. the barkeep says no, the call is for me, your wife juat came in and is behind you.
-
Order her a drink and tell her how hawt she looks, and wen she is lifting her drink excuse yourself for the head and then exit the back door.
-
the barkeep offers to sell chauncy a raffle ticket. chauncy asks what the prize is. the barkeep says a free year membership at a local gym. chaincy says dont you have something to wash somewhere?
-
???
-
chauncy's wife said do you remember a couple months ago when I had to visit my sister for a few days, you had a tesr in your eye but I told you I would be back before you knew it? chauncy replied that's why there was a tear in my eye.
-
His black eye will be gone in a week or so.
-
chauncy goes to the bank to request a loan, he puts the reason for the loan as home improvements which just happens to be the name of a horse running in a race later that day. unfortunately for chauncy, the loan manager had already seen the race line up, loan denied.
-
Chauncy needs to go to the pub and pool resources with his drinking buddies to lay the bet. Smaller investment with potentially larger payoff.
-
chauncy is getting ready to go to the pub. He cannot find his trousers and asks his wife what has become of them. she says they are all in the wash. I figured it was the only way to keep you in for an evening. a short time later chauncy walks in the pub. the barkeep says arent those pajamas you are wearing? chauncy says yes and dont ask just pour.
-
Where there's a will... there's a way!!!
-
chauncy, being found guilty of consecutive drunk and disorderly charges was given a $100 fine but when he asked if he could give the court an i.o.u another $50 was added for contempt of court.
-
$50 is a bargain considering the amount of contempt for most courts.
-
chauncys wife is trying a new lotion on her face. she tells him it us supposed to lift and firm. he says well there are a couppe other places on your body you should try it on too then.
-
He is recovering from that little trip to the ER for an extraction of a personal nature.
-
#BadJoke64
Q: What can you not smell unless it's broken
A: Wind
(*hides from Ragnar who loves to break wind a lot!*)
-
chauncy says to his wife you look exhausted from doing housework all day so no need for you to bother cooking tonight, go over to the local take away and bring us back something instead.
-
#BadJoke64
Q: What can you not smell unless it's broken
A: Wind
(*hides from Ragnar who loves to break wind a lot!*)
LOL
-
chauncy says to his wife you look exhausted from doing housework all day so no need for you to bother cooking tonight, go over to the local take away and bring us back something instead.
Seems logical to me.
-
chauncy and his wife are having a bit of a tiff. at one point she says to him all of your problems are right here and points to her head. chauncy says you know, I agree with you, all of my problems are in your head.
-
Again, seems logical to me.
-
chauncys wife is complaining that he kept her up all night moving about in the bed. he says well we could get twin beds instead of the one we have. she says no way, thats out. he says see you cannot sleep without me next to you. she says that has nothing to do with it, I just do not want to have to make two beds every morning.
-
Banish her ass to the couch, then she still only has one bed to make in the morning. Problem solved.
-
chauncy and his wife are in the pub when they notice another couple begin arguing. she says wow they are so involved in their fight they just knocked over their pitcher of beer. chauncy looks upset, his wife says I see you do not like to see other couples fight either. chauncy says it is not that, it is the waste of all that beer that upset me.
-
Blasphemy!!!!!
-
chauncy was playing on the local soccer (aka football) team. the referee carded him to be sent iff the pitch. chauncy complained to the ref saying hey it was an accident that I ran into him. the ref says while he was running away from you?
-
Is only soccer. Who cares. LOL
-
chauncy is laying on the couch when someone knocks on the door. his wife asks him to see who it is. he replies, I cant, I just got comfortable. a moment later he answers the door but is completely soaked. his friend sean asks what happened. chauncy replies, I will never understand my wife, for no apparent reason she just dumped a mop bucket of water on me.
-
Just more for her to mop up.
-
chauncy walks into the pub and sees a small stage with microphones and a display system on it. he asks the barkeep what is going on. the keep says oh we are trying out karaoke night. are you familiar with it? chaincy says oh yes, kara meaning hurts and oke meaning everyones ears.
-
Pretty much.
-
chauncy tells his wife how much he loves going to the hore races. Seeing the horses run, the sound as they speed by. She replies with the groan when the one you bet on loses every time.
-
Leave her ass at home to clean and cook night meal.
-
chauncy is about to leave the pub as sean comes in. sean says leaving so soon? chauncy replied, I thought I would go home early and surprise my wife. sean says too bad, I was going to buy you a pint. chauncy says on second thought, it is not good to shock someone of her age like that, now what was that about buying a pint?
-
A considerate man.
-
chauncy is reading the want ads. his wife says you mean you are finally going to look for a job. chauncy says yes for you, I think you could do this one here....
-
Again, quite considerate to assist her in such matters.
-
a new bloke walks into the pub and says to chauncy, I hear you are in charge ot the sports leagues around here, I would like to sign up, care to see what I can do? chauncy says sure, lets start with seeing how well you buy me a pint or two.
-
Seems a good way to break the ice to me. It may be thick ice, so he better have some cash.
-
chauncy, his wife, and her mum are getting set up for a yard sale. as they finish chauncy places one last sign up, for sale no offer refused and sets it suspiciously next to his mother in law.
-
Just don't expect many offers...
-
chauncy is in the pub and reads his horoscope saying it says here today a generous barkeep will give you a refill on the house. the barkeep says too bad that is yesterday's horoscooe you are reading and you were not here yesterday.
-
Barkeep owes him in my book.
-
chauncy tells his wife to pack up, he is putting the house up for sale he has found the ideal house for them. Sure it is a little smaller than this house but the location is perfect. She says where is this ideal house. He says right between the pool hall and the pub.
-
Works for them both. He can live a life of bliss, and she need not see him so often. Win/win in my book.
-
chauncy's wife asks him if he likes dimples. he says how do you mean? she says you know when you smile, those little indentations in your cheeks. he says oh, I suppose I do why? she says good, because I just put a dimple in the fender of your car.
-
Dimple her skull to match.
-
chauncy's wife it getting ready to make dinner. he gets out a pair of headphones. she asks what are those for. he says for when your cooking sets off the smoke detector.
-
chauncys wife asks if he would mind having a barbeque for dinner. he replies sorry the forecast is calling for storms can't you just burn something inside?
-
Chauncy just unknowingly burned himself.
-
chauncy's wife is yelling at him for coming home late feom the pub. he says what do you mean late, it is only 2 am? she says yes, 2 am monday, you left saturday afternoon.
-
He made it home before Monday work day started.
-
chauncy is watching the telly. his wife asks how much longer is the show he is watching. he says oh about 139. she says 139 what minutes? he says no, episodes.
-
Isn't there something she should be cleaning?
-
sean and chauncy are in the pub when sean has to use the loo. as he gets up, he aska chauncy to watch his pint. upon returning both chauncy and the pint are gone.
-
He is watching it.
-
a woman walks into the pub being smartly dressed, she immediately appeared to be out of place. she walks to the barkeep ans say she is doing a report on the pub for a local paper and would like to interview the pub's number one customer. the barkeep points to the floor next to the bar and says that would be chauncy you would want to soeak to but may want to wait until he comes to.
-
Tells me they don't water down the drinks!!!!! ;D
-
chauncy comes hime at 3am looking scruffy and a right mess. his wife looks at him and says you look like you were thrown backwards out the pub window. chauncy says actually it was forward.
-
At least it wasn't a boring night!!!!!
-
someone said to chauncy the way you live your life is apalling, what will you say to the grimm reaper when he comes for you? sean said probably something like can I borrow $20 from you?
-
Heh heh...
"Pass the mead. SKAL!!!!!"
-
chauncy wakes up feeling ill. he says to his wife I must have had a bad pint last night. she says could you tell which one of the 12 you had was the bad one?
-
Only twelve? That was just priming the pump.
-
chauncy's doctor tell him he needs more fruit in his diet. so he goes to the pub and orders a pint of hard cider.
-
Okies, and?
-
chauncy's wife says you are not really going to finish that pint are you? he says why not it is half finished. she says to me it looks half started and you are all done.
-
Tell her to go clean something and earn her keep.
Damn mouthy kajira...
-
the sergeant is training a new rookie as they walk the beat, the sergeant says now remember everyone is innocent until proven guilty, with the exception of chauncy.
-
LOL That'll be the day...
-
#BadJoke65
Q: Where did the hamburger go to dance
A: The MeatBall
-
#BadJoke66
Q: Why does it only cost 2 dollars to see a football game in Tampa?
A: Because they charge a buck an ear! (Buccaneer)
-
chauncy has been arrested yet again for public intox. the offocer says did you ever think you are your own worst enemy. chauncy says no, actually you are my worst enemy.
-
Rick... you worry me. LOL
-
chauncy has been arrested yet again for public intox. the offocer says did you ever think you are your own worst enemy. chauncy says no, actually you are my worst enemy.
Chauncy got that right.
-
chauncy walks into a new pub. the barkeep says I have not seen you here before, what brings you to my pub? chauncy says you are open
-
#BadJoke67
Q: What did Casper say after he farted?
A: Don't worry. They're silent but friendly.
-
#BadJoke68
Q: What do you call Paul Revere's sketches?
A: Yankee Doodles
-
I need more booze to continue reading these. It may numb the pain.
-
chauncy comes home from the pub and sees his wife standing by a couple of suitcases. he says dont tell me you are goong hom to your mum's? she said no, actually mum just arrived here. chauncy turned around and headed for the door. his wife said and where are you off to? chauncy reies where else, back to the pub.
-
Might as well get more painkiller.
-
chauncy asks sean to loan him $20. sean says I just loaned you $20 yesterday. chauncy says have I ever failed to pay you back? sean says yes every time. chauncy says well does not mean this wont be a first, now hand over the 20.
-
:-\
-
chauncy complains to his dictor that he keeps having ringing in his ears every morning upon waking up. the doctor said when did this start? chauncy says about the sane time they introduced karaoke at tge pub
-
:-\
-
chauncy's wife returns from the market carrying the groceries. she calls out to him to open the door as it is raining and she cannot get to her keys as ahe is holding the bags. as she is yelling, the dog barks at the back door to be let in. chauncy lets the dog in first then goes to let his wife in. she says what took so long it is raining out there. chauncy said I had to let the dog in didnt I. she says and you let the dog in before you let me in? he says of course because I knew he would stop barking as soon as he was let in unlike you.
-
#BadJoke69
Q: What did the owl say tot he shrink?
A: Who Who Who am I?
-
#BadJoke70
Q: How many Sith Lords does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They like being in the dark
-
*Facepalms chuckling*
-
the officer is bringing chauncy in to the jail. the sergeant asks what is he in for this time? the officer says he was sining at the top of his lungs so disturbing the peace. the sergeant replies singing loudly does not seem like it is that big of a deal, give him a warning ans send him off. the officer says, ok but he was outside your house and woke up your wife who was not happy not to mention your new baby. the sergeant says lock him up
-
#BadJoke71
Q: Why did the apple cross the road?
A: To get to the other cider
-
#BadJoke72
Q: What did the pirate say when he sat on a cold toilet seat?
A: Shrivel me timbers!
-
#BadJoke73
Q: What do you call a cold crocodile?
A: a refrigergator
-
:'(
-
chauncy runs oast his wife headed toward the door. she asks where he is headed. he replies to a job interview and darts iff. she looks at the paper he had been reading to find out what sort if job has him in such a hurry and sees an advert for a taste tester at the local brewery for a new line of ale.
-
#BadJoke72
Q: Why do astronauts use Linux?
A: Because they can't open Windoes in space!
-
:'(
These made baby Thor cry.
-
once again it us karaoke night at the pub. after 1 person went throught their 1st song, they said now I will sing the song that got me started in singing. chauncy said why dont you go elsewhere and oractice for a ling time and come back when you actually can sing.
-
#BadJoke75
Q: Whaty is the tooth fairy's favorite dance?
A: The floss
-
:'(
-
sean is flat on the floor of the pub looking a right mess. the barkeep says I told you not to touch that last pint, mainly necause it belonged to chauncy.
-
Yup... never mess with another guy's drink. The penalty is excruciating pain and possibly death.
-
chauncy comes home from taking the dog to the vet. his wife asks so what dis the dr say. he says, the usual, showing signs of age, overweight, some atiffening of the joints evident. she says enough about you what did he say about the dog.
-
#BadJoke76
Q: Why did the reptile block the road?
A: Because he was an alley-gator
-
Uuuuugh...
-
chauncy wakes up on the couch and says how did I get home from the pub, I vaguely remember my key not working and having to climb in through the window and second when did we get a new couch and a doberman?
-
Never a good sign.
-
#BadJoke77 (#HairJoke)
Q: What do you call a peroxide thief?
A: Illelally Blonde
-
Is that "Press" sign on your hat an advisory... or instructional? LOL
-
chauncy cones home at noon. his wife says where were you all night? he says I fell asleep in the loo at the pub, when I woje up, I found I had been locked in and had to wait for the keep to come open it at 10 today she asked why didnt you call for help. he said what and ruin a perfect opportunity
-
#BadJoke78
Q: Why did the broth taste funny?
A: It was a laughingstock!
-
:-X
-
after his 4th round chauncy tells the barkeep he is stoopung at 4 for the night. the barkeep says which means you are out if money and no ine will lend you any right?
-
Makes sense to me.
-
#BadJoke79
Q: Why did the lemmings jump off the dock?
A: There was too much pier (peer) pressure
-
*Facepalms*
-
chauncy's wife is complaining that she has to work all day while he stays home yet she has to come home and clean now is that fair she asks? he says no, as you always wake me up from my nap with all that noise you make while cleaning
-
#BadJoke80
Q: Why did the man become an archaeologist?
A: Because his life is in ruins
-
Heh heh...
-
chayncy's wife is complaining about their expenses. she tells chauncy she spoke to her brother who happens to be a financial planner and he said it would help if chauncy stopped spending so much money at the pub. chauncy says well there is a simple solution, stop talking to your brother
-
#BadJoke81
Q: Why does Hamlet take too long in the bathroom?
A: He can't decide whether to pee or not to pee
-
Uuuugh....
-
the barkeep is showing off his new coffee machine and asks chauncy what he would like, a latte, a cappuccino, or what. chauncy says a beer and lose that machine.
-
SKAL!!!!!
-
#BadJoke82
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: Because it wasn't peeling well
-
*Groans*
-
chauncy suts down at the table looks at the meal and says to his wife I see you made your specialty, fried fish with fire extinguisher foam sauce
-
the local constable comes round to chauncys house and tells chauncy we are having the station house repainted, what colour would you like your usual cell painted?
-
Heh heh...
-
following a night at the pub, rather than go home, chauncy walks straight to the police station and demand to be put in a cell. the sgt says chauncy you usually avoid coming here what's your game tonight? chauncy say my mother in law arrived today and is staying for the week, now about that cell.
-
Seems logical to me.
Three hots and a cot... jailhouse booze... no utilities... free medical... required covid vaccine... climate controlled...
NO MOTHER IN LAW!!!!!
-
chauncy walks into the pub. the keep seems quite happy to see him for a change. he says it has been dead here all night you are my 1st and so far only customer tonight. at least you are a good regular customer. he then says now we just need sean to show up to oay for your drinks so I can actually make some money
-
#BadJoke83
Q: Why is it hard to play hide and seek with Pokemon?
A: Because they alweays Pikachu (Peek at you)
-
:'(
-
chauncy's wife aska if he would like charred cod for dinner? he replied I presume that means you burned the fish again.
-
Time to order pizza.
-
chauncy shows up at the pub with a sausage stuck in his nose. the barkeep asked what happened. chauncy said I told my wife tgere was no way I was going to eat the sausages she made gor dinner, they were burned and tasted horrible. the keep said what was her reply. chauncy pointed to the sausage stuck in his nose that was it.
-
Time to replace her with a newer model.
-
the barkeep asks chauncy how his wife had hurt her back. chauncy said she was trying to move the couch ckoser to the telly and sprained her lower back so ,i had to get off the couch and move it myself
-
#BadJoke84
Q: How does the banana get out of jail?
A: It wins on a peel (appeal)
-
Uuuuugh...
-
chauncys wife is yelling about him coming home late. he says you know how it is you see domeone ypu have not seen in sges snd dpend time catching up. she says that would explain a couple hours laye not 3 days.
-
#BadJoke85
Q: How many nannies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Light bulbs don't wear diapers
-
Ship out Chauncy's wife and the nannies. Might get a buck and a quarter for the lot.
-
sean says looks like chauncy is leaving the pub. the bar keep says I did not think he was ready to go home this early. sean replies he wasnt but his wife was and is dragging him out the door
-
#BadJoke86
Q: What did the computer mouse say to the keyboard?
A: You're just my type
-
chauncy looks out the window then turns to his wife and says the sky suddenly clouded over and the birds are flying away from our area, is your mum by chance headed this way?
-
#BadJoke87
Q: What is a shark's favorite sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish!
-
#BadJoke88
Q: What is the worse month for trees?
A: September (Septimber)
-
the barkeep asks chauncy if he is entering the nightly trivia contest. chauncy says he is not interested. the barkedp says too bad 1st prize is all you can drink on the house. chaucy says where do I sign up
-
:-X
-
the barkeep throws chauncy out the door but the direction and way he threw him caused him to return right back in. sean said you put too much spin on that throw.
-
#BadJoke89
Q: Why did the cat stop playing basketball?
A: It kept throwing up too many hairballs
-
chauncy's wife yells at him how could you insult my mum like that? chauncy replied all I said was she looks like a famous singer. hus wife replied no woman wants ro be told she looks like alice cooper
-
#BadJoke90
Q: What happened when the jelly doghnut crossed the road?
A: It caused a traffic jam
-
LOL ;D
-
#BadJoke91
Q: Why did the butter knife put on a bowtie?
A: It wanted to look sharp
-
Uuugh... LOL
-
chauncy goes to the pub and sees an announcement that tonight is karaoke night with a country theme. chauncy says I have one request about this, can it be done in another country
-
chauncy is banging in the door yelling for his wife to let him in. the barkeep say chauncy you are still un the pub and that is a closet you paased out in the floor an hour ago.
-
#BadJoke92
Q: What happened at the fruit salad races?
A: The oranges peeled out, the bananas split, and the cherries went to the pits.
-
Uuuuuugh...
-
sean and chauncy enter the pub. chauncy say the usual then sean? sean says how about we try something different today. chsuncy says what have you in mind? sean says how about you paying for a change.
-
#BsdJoke93
Q: Why do chiropractors maske such good comedians?
A: They are always cracking people up
-
:-\ :-X ::) ;D
-
sean asks chauncy if he talks to anyone online. chauncy says no, there us no way to borrow money from them that way
-
#BadJoke94
Q: What did the pepperoni say to the mozzarella?
A: You wanna pizza me?
-
(https://i.pinimg.com/736x/ac/08/e3/ac08e38098fe47033a31188ad20bfa3d.jpg)
-
lol Kemma
-
LOL
-
chauncy's wife tells him her mum is coming for a visit. he says I will be back in a few minutes hopegully before she arrives. she says where are you going? he say to the army surplus store to see if they have any land mines
-
#BadJoke95
Q: Why did the kitty stop eating carbs?
A: It was on the Catkins DIet
-
*Runs off screaming into the night*
-
at karaoke night a would be singer asked chauncy what he would like to hear. chauncy said anything provided you are not the one singung it
-
#BadJoke96
Q: Why does Mr. Spock hate pi?
A: Because pi is irrational
-
:-X
-
vhsuncy's wife yells at him, next time my mum is at the door do not yell the alien creature is here. he replied at least I did not say big foot
-
#BadJoke97
Q: Why do soccer and basketball players wear bibs?
A: They're always dribbling.
-
Heh heh...
-
chauncy is holding a smart phone. his wife comes in and asks about it. he rxplains sean gave it yo him as he got a new one. she says this is perfrct, now I can call you no matter where you are. chauncy immeditately returned it to sean.
-
#BadJoke98
Q: Why did the cow do jumping jacks?
A: It was doing COW-isthenics
-
:o :'(
-
chauncy's wife comes in carrying the groceries. chauncy says you should not carry all that at once by yourself make 2 trips next time
-
:-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X
-
chauncy asks his wife if she is certain she cooked the crab for dinner. she replies yes, why? he says because it is eating my fries
-
#BadJoke99
Q: Where do you find a leprechaun fraternity
A: At the end of the rain-bro
-
Heh heh...
-
chauncy wakes up, his wife says let me guess your back hurts. he says yes how did you know. she says perhaps you dont recall being thrown through the pub window at closing time when you refused to leave and landing flat on your back on the sidewalk
-
#BadJoke100
Q: Why did the ghost cross the road?
A: Because it was a poultry-geist
-
chauncy's wife comes home and aska him what he did all day. he replied I laid on the couch bored. she asks well if you were bored, why didnt you do the laundry? he replied I am never that bored
-
Heh...
-
chauncy comes home late from the pub as usual. his wife is standing at the doir waiting for him. she says every night we do this same routine, you come in late, I stand here waiting for you. now tomorrow I want this to change. vhauncy ssys ok tomorrow night you sit and wait.
-
#BadJoke101
Q: What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A: A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
-
#BadJoke102
Q: Why did the turtle break up with the giraffe?
A: Because they couldn't see eye to eye
-
*Facepalms*
-
sean walks up to chauncy and asks if he wanted to go to the pub. chauncy replies that he us trying to cut back on drinking. sean says too bad I was going to buy. chauncy says on second thought I can cut down tomorrow lets go.
-
#BadJoke103
Q: What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
A: Thunderwear.
-
the police sgt goes to chauncy's cell to tell him his wife and her mum have come to bail him out. chauncy says could you tell them not to bother, it is safer for ne to stay here
-
::)
-
chauncy's wife tells him that he received an unvitation to his high school reunion and asks if he is going so he can see some of his old friends. he replies no, I still owe most of them money
-
#BadJoke104
Q: Why did the pencil stink?
A: Because it was a number 2
-
*Groans*
-
chauncy tells sean they should do something different today sean say you mean as opposed to going to the pub? chauncy says are you bonkers, of course we go to the pub but we should sit at a table instead of standing at the bsr.
-
#BadJoke105
Q: Why is it hard to buy a gift for a futurist?
A: They don't like the present
-
"Where did I put my axe...?"
-
the beer starts hitting chauncy as he is dropping to the floor he asks if the bar is growing or if he is shrinking
-
Facepalms
-
#BadJoke106
Q: What do you call a baseball player who chews sunflower seeds?
A: The designated spitter
-
LOL
-
chauncy tells his wife that sean is coming over to watch the game. she says ok, I will make enough dinner for all of us then. chauncy says on second thought we will watch it at the pub
-
#BadJoke107
Q: Why did the raven get kicked out of the tavern?
A: Because it was a crow bar
-
chauncy goes to sean's house and asks if he needs any help. sean says help with what? chauncy says spending your pay check.
-
I know guys like that!!!
-
chauncy stumbles home after the pub closed. his wife says you know you are late for supper he replies no, I am early for beakfast
-
#BadJoke103
Q: What do you call a snail that likes to hike?
A: a trailblazer
-
#BadJoke104
Q: What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
A: They’re, there, their.
-
chauncy crawls out of the pub, goes up to the 1st person he sees and asks for a ride. whe he finds hinself in a cell at the station he says to the detective, I meant a ride home
-
#BadJoke105
Q: Why do raccoons eat our of garbage cans?
A: Because they can't tip over supermarkets
-
the bank manager tells chauncy yes we do loan money for a variety of reasons but a hot tip on the 5th race is not one of them.
-
#BadJoke106
Q: Why are cats such good bakers?
A: Because they make everything from scratch
-
*Shakes head*
-
chauncy's wife says cant you just once say something good about my mother? chauncy replies, it us a good thing she lives too far away to visit very often
-
LOL SCORE!!!!!
-
chauncy's wife told him her mum had a beauty appointment that day. chauncy says oh that explains the large delivery truck parked in front of their shop.
-
it was karaoke night at the pub after their song one of the singers said I hope you liked my rendition of the song. chauncy said only the part when you stopped singing
-
#BadJoke107
Q: How do English schoolteachers get married?
A: They exchange vowels
-
chauncy orders one last drink before leaving the keep says it us late to be ordering another round isnt your wife going to be worried? chauncy says no, at the hour she will be furious so make it 2 more rounds
-
#BadJoke108
Q: What was Peter Cottontail's nickname in the 1970's?
A: Peter Polyestertail
-
Egawds...
-
chauncy tells his wife they mentioned her mum's name on the telly showing a huge dark cloud. she says they are talking about a hurricane. he says well they named it appropriately same amount of damage either way.
-
#BadJoke109
Q: What did the tree say to the moss?
A: You're starting to grow on me!
-
Arrrgh...
-
the constable takes chauncy to jail and says will there ever come a night when I do not have to haul you in? chauncy says of course there will, you have to retire sooner or later dont you?
-
LOL
-
as the keep ejects chauncy from the pub, chauncy says don't you feel bad throwing out your best customer? the keep says I would be he is not here tonight.
-
#BadJoke110
Q: Where do chocolate and peanuts go after work to hang out?
A At the candy bar!
-
:o
-
chauncy's mother in law is showing off a new hair style, chauncy sees it and says you know there is a bitd's nest nesr the garage I need to clean out.
-
#BadJoke111
Q: How do coffee beans say goodbye to each other?
A: See you later, perkolator
-
sean asks chauncy if he has been to a new pub in town chauncy says yes, cheap beer, dirty floors, fights breaking out, we definitely need to go there
-
LOL
-
sean calls chauncy's wife to let her know he had been arrested for fighting. she asks whi he was fighting with. sean says it would be easier to list who he wasnt fighting with
-
a reporter aska chauncy why he chose the pub he is in, he says it is the only one that has not banned me yet
-
#BadJoke112
Q: Where do dog scientists go to perform experiments?
A: The labradoratory
-
*Takes another drink*
-
chauncy sees sean just exiting his house, sean yells back, I am going to the pub with chauncy and I will be back whenever I feel like it, then slams the door. chauncy says, let me guess, your wife isnt home is she? sean says no, went to her mum's for the day.
-
#BadJoke113
Q: What do you call it when a zombie has to use the restroom?
A: A brain dump
-
*Pounds down four drinks*
-
chauncy's wife tells him her mum made the dinner they will be having instead of her. he replied oh, a whole different form of food poisoning to experience rather than the ususl one.
-
#BadJoke114
Q: Why do spidersa have such a good connection?
A: Because they always see eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye
-
*Pounds down six drinks*
-
the constable finds chauncy laying on the walk in front of the pub and says ling night eh? chauncy replies not at all, just came out to watch the sunset. the constable says that is the sun rise
-
#BadJoke115
Q: How do robots know when they're in love?
A: They feel a little spark
-
*Kills the bottle*
-
thinks rags hands out at the same pub as chauncy
-
chauncy and his wife enter the darts tourney at the pub. chauncy tells her do your best and aim at the board. she repiles I just hope I can get it to stay in the board. she throws it and it goes straight through the window. he says next time I hope you can get it to stay in the pub
-
#BadJoke115
Q: Why was the mullet audited?
A: Because it wasn't up front with it's business
-
#BadJoke116
Q: What do you call a magician without magic?
A: Ian
-
*Looks for another bottle*
-
as the vonstable is hauling chauncy off yet again, he say you know chauncy, you spend half your night drinking and the other half getting into trouble. chauncy says your right, I need to change that, from now on I will just drink all night
-
#BadJoke117
Q: Where do royal cats get married?
A: At Westminster Tabby
-
*Throws my empty bottles*
-
chauncy's wife say did you really need to compare the candles on my mum's birthday cake to a forest fire? he replies well it wasn't me thst called the fire dept to report a fire before they showed up to put it out.
-
#BadJoke118
Q: What is the difference between a butterfly and a housefly?
A: One emerges from a pupa, and the other emerges from a poopa
-
#BadJoke119
Q: What did the kidney stone say to the old man?
A: Urine (You're in) trouble
-
#BadJoke120
Q: What is the difference between passing a kidney stone and giving birth?
A: After a kidney stone is passed, one doesn't say "Let's have another"
-
*Slays the bartender*
-
chaucy's wife sees him laying on the couch as she brings in the groceries and says I do not suupose you thought about helping me. he replies I did but as you are almost done, I thought you may as well finish.
-
#BadJoke121
Q: Why can't you trust a softball pitcher?
A: They're underhanded
-
*Gives the new bartended a bottle enema*
-
chauncy sees a number of constables one of whom is blocking the road he asks what is goi g on. the constable says there was a big fight and they are clearing the area. chauncy says just my luck to miss all the fun.
-
I did not do it!!!!! ::) ;D :-X
-
chauncy's wife asks him what he has planned for the day. he says he has no plans. she says well, I need to head out but as you have no plans, the garden needs tending while I am gone. chauncy goes to the pub saying a woman does not understand the difference between having no plans and wanting something to do.
-
#BadJoke122
Q: How many soccer players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I have no idea, but it would be a lot less if they could use their hands!
-
chauncy says to someone in the pub, when I was younger , I played sports, my friend said I was goid enough to go pro. she responds I find that hard to believe. he says what, that I was good enough to go pro? she say no, that you ever had a friend.
-
#BadJoke123
Q: What did the DJ say to the vegetable farmer?
A: Lettuce (Let us) turn up the beat
-
:-X
-
while in court for fighting, the judge told chauncy if you feel you must try to bribe the witnesses, kindly do not do it in my courtroom, now put away your money and by the way, $10 is hardly worth offering to begin with
-
#BadJoke124
Q: Why did the lemur stop dating the sloth?
A: He didn't make a move
-
:'(
-
the barkeep asks sean where chauncy is. sean says chauncy's wife asked yo wash the windows, chauncy told her no he was going to the pub. the keep says well where is then? sean says he's in the er getting a wash bucket removed from his head
-
#BadJoke125
Q: How do you turb a mosquito into a fruit?
A: You squash it
-
::) ;D
-
chauncy told sean he was so fed up with the working conditions at his job that he went on strike. sean said what happened. chauncy said no one noticed.
-
#BadJoke126
Q: What is an avocado's favorite game?
A: Whack-a-moly
-
:-X
-
sean asks chauncy if thought when he was younger that he would be spending all his nights drinking in an old pub. chaun y ssid ni, I always thought it would be a new pub.
-
#BadJoke127
Q: Why did the poop cross the road?
A: Because the chicken stepped in it!
-
Ooph...
-
chauncy asks his wife if her mum's car broke down while she was visiting earlier. she says no, why? he says I just noticed one of our brooms is missing and thought maybe she had borrowed it to ride home on.
-
#BadJoke128
Q: Why was the chiropractor so busy?
A: Back to back meetings
-
::)
-
someone sees chauncy holding his wife's hand at the mall and says how romantic. chauncy says romantic nothing its the only way I can keep her from spending any money here
-
Heh heh...
-
chauncy applies for a loan at the local bank. the manager says I will go put your information in the computer and should have an electronic answer for you shortly. a couple hours later chauncy is still waiting. he flags down the manager and asks if there has been a decision yet. the manager says well, I really am not sure, I entered your information in the computer and it has not stopped laughing.
-
#BadJoke129
Q: Why did the dandelion stop dating?
A: It kept getting blown off.
-
*Groans*
-
the bouncer will not allow chauncy into the new pub in town. chauncy becomes upset and says do you know who I am? the bouncer says yes and that is why you are not allowed in.
-
#BadJoke130
Q: What do you call a big irish spider?
A: Paddy long legs!
-
Heh...
-
a floridt tells chauncy he should buy his wire some roses as they say I love you. he replies If I buy here roses she will say what did you do and how much us it going to cost us
-
That sure sounds familiar.
-
chauncy is headed for the door when his wife stops him saying wsit, you promised you would go with me to my mum's tonight. which is more important to you going to the pub or ... she hears him slam the door and yells you could have at least listened long enough to hear the option.
-
#BadJoke131
Q: Why was the DJ so good at baseball?
A: He knew how to get that extra bass
-
as chauncy is about to get booted from the pub he says after all the money I have spent here you would throw me out? the barkeep says who's money? chauncy says ok, sean's money but still ... as he is sent off
-
#BadJoke132
Q: Why did the moose go to the famly reunion?
A: To see its uncles and antlers
-
So a gastroenterologist walks into a bar. The bartender says "I would offer you a booth, but I am sure you want a stool."
-
chauncy calls sean and says I need your help, my wife asked me to trim the hedge before she returns from the store. sean says so you want me to help you trim the hedge? chauncy says no, I want you to be my alibi in why I could not do it.
-
#BadJoke133
Q: How do you know you are talking to an extraterrestrial?
A: Lots of probing questions
-
chauncy notices there is a special at the pub, blackened chicken, blackened fish or blackened steak. he asks the pubkeep what is ut cajun night? he replies no, the kichen caught fire.
-
#BadJoke134
Q: What is Yoda's favorite dinosaur
A: the Dooordonotceratops. There is no try!
#MayThe4thBeWithYou
-
DOH!!!!!
-
the constable seed chsuncy crawling on the sidewalk and says looks like you have been drinking a bit early chauncy add that you are crawling the wrong way, your house us the other way. chaun y says who says I am going home and crawls into the pub
-
#BadJoke135
Q: Why do writers make so many mistakes?
A: Because they have a type-o (typo) personality
-
chauncy is laying on the couch and says well my afternoon is planned out, bit of do it youself, followed by cooking, then I will see what else is on the telly
-
#BadJoke136
Q: What do you get when you cross a hippie and a ninja?
A: Peace and Quiet
-
chauncy asks his wife for $10. she says and just what have you done that I should give it to you? he replies I married you which by rights is worth far mor than $10 funeral services are being scheduled for next week
-
#BadJoke137
Q: Why did Spiderman pick his nose?
A: Becasuse he was getting the Green Goblin
-
the bouncer tells chauncy he cannot enter as he is a troublemaker. chauncy says that is a rotten lie and I dare you to come out here and say that
-
#BadJoke138
Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he had a bone to pick with the chicken
-
:o
-
chauncy says to his wife there is a pattern and organization to betting on the horses, you have to have a set routine. she saus too bad in your case the routine is bet, lose, bet lose ....
-
#BadJoke139
Q: Why are zebras so bad at baseball?
A: Three stripes and they're out!
-
chauncy's wife says her mum is leaving her body to medical science when she dies. chauncy says good maybe after they anslyze her they will be able to tell us what species she really was.
-
LOL
-
chauncy and his wife are walking through an older area of town. he says remember when this was the busiest area of town and how I came here every day to seek work? she says only problem is you only went as far as the pub and stayed there
-
#BadJoke140
Q: How do you make a hankerchief dance?
A: You put a little boogie in it
-
:-\
-
chauncy was asked how often he surprises his wife with a gift. he said that depends on if laundry counts as a gift.
-
#BadJoke141
Q: Why could the python not cross the road?
A: He just swallowed the chicken
-
:(
-
chauncy says its the finale of the darts tourney at the pub tonight I can feel a good outcome. his wife says for you a good outcome means you did not get caught cheating
-
#BadJoke142
Q: What do polar bears eat at a barbecue?
A: Icebergers
-
:-X :'(
-
chauncy's wife says her mum is going to the beauty parlour. chauncy said did she pack a bag for a week's stay as it will take at least that long
-
#BadJoke143
Q: Why did the optometrist move to Mississippi?
A: Becaise it has the most i's
-
(https://funvizeo.com/media/memes/568a55013bd48f1b/im-not-sure-what-take-it-easy-take-the-limit-one-nore-time-meme-24727f186809fbfa-79825a54b6a23bc7.jpg)
-
chauncy says I am off to the pub. he opens the door and it is pouring. he turns to his wife and says it is coming down too hard out there for me to venture out. she says thats ok, you can stay here and watch dancing with the stars with me. he says on second thought it is not raining that hard.
-
Always to the limit and beyond!!!!!
-
LOL
-
chauncy's wife says do not forget we are going to my mum's for dinner. chauncy said I know that is why I am making an appointment to get my stomach pumped right after
-
LOL
-
the loan manager says yes chauncy we do offer student loans but studying race forms does not qualify
-
#BadJoke144
Q: Where does the computer mouse like to hasng out after work?
A: At the scroll bar
-
#BadJoke145
Q: Why do cats make such good bakers?
A: They make everything from scratch
-
chauncy says I did not have any alcohol yesterday, not even a pint. his wife says could not find anyone to buy your drinks for you eh?
-
*groans*
-
chauncy is grumbling while reading the paper. his wife say bad news? he says the worst. she says well maybe if you read the sports section instead of the news. he said I am it is the race results.
-
#BadJoke146
Q: Why did the zombie meditate after eating?
A: He was experiencing mindfulness
-
:'(
-
chauncy is complaining about the pubs karaoke night saying why do peple too drunk to talk think they can sing
-
#BadJoke147
Q: Where can you find the leprechaun fraternity?
A: At the end of the rain bro
-
:'(
-
a young couple asks a constable if he knows of a quiet pub where they can enjoy an evening out together. the constable says my best advice is to watch that chap over there, his name is chauncy, and avoid any pub he enters
-
#BadJoke148
Q: Where do pirates send their taxes?
A: To the aye. arr. s.
-
:'(
-
chauncy's wife is complaining about the weight of hise cases of beer as she brings in the groceries he says well I offered a solution for that. she said no, we are not moving into a flat above the pub.
-
the bar keep tells chauncy that he is hiring a bouncer. chauncy asks why is that? he says because you are putting in too much weight for me to chuck out by myself.
-
#BadJoke149
Q: What is the tooth fairy's favorite dance?
A: The floss!
-
*Groans*
-
someone asked chauncy when was the last time he sat down and had a conversation with his wife. chauncy said does pass the salt count?
-
#BadJoke150
Q: Why did the french fries cross the road?
A: They were trying to ketchup to the chicken
-
*facepalms*
-
chauncy says I do not have a job, my wife works to support us both, I spend my days napping and my evenings in the pub, I have achieved all my goals in life.
-
#BadJoke151
Q: What do flowers wear beneath their petals?
A: UnderPlants
-
:'(
-
the barkeep asks chauncy what he is buying his wife for her birthday. chauncy said I am not sure but whatever I get, I must 1st make sure it cannot be used as a weapon.
-
#BadJoke152
Q: Why doesn't carbon make the honor roll?
A: It always gets a C in chemistry
-
:'(
-
chauncy and his wife are in the pub. she looks outside and says it is pouring rain out there. chauncy smiles. she says what are you smiling about. he says well I guess we will need ti wait the rain out here in the pub.
-
#BadJoke153
Q: What did the corn say to the butter?
A: See you on the other sides
-
sean tells the barkeep he thinks chauncy is in need of surgery. the barkeep asks what type of surgery. sean says to remove his wallet from his pocket so he can pay once in a while.
-
#BadJoke154
Q: Why are hedgehogs so fashionable?
A: Because they are always dressed to quill
-
#BadJoke155
Q: What did one eye say to the other?
A: Between you and me something stinks
-
*Groans*
-
the barkeep says chauncy you have been reading that same paper for an hour, whst are yo studying so closely, the football scores? chauncy replies I have other interests besides football you know. sean says right like the races.
-
#BadJoke156
Q: Where does 007 invest his savings?
A: Bonds ... Stocks and Bonds
-
#BadJoke157
Q: Why did the farmer play jazz music to his crops?
A: Because it was light on the ears
-
chauncy was trying to chat up a woman and said I was just about yo go to the pub across the street care to join me. she said I know you are married so what about your wife? he said no bother there she does not fancy that pub.
-
#BadJoke158
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: Because it was playing chicken!
-
chauncys wife said her mum is going to the beauty salon chauncy said did they send out for expert reinforcents gor the job
-
#BadJoke159
Q: Why can't you trust atoms?
A: Because they make up everything
-
chauncy decided he was getting a little flabby and needed to do some sit ups to correct this. five minutes later the paramedics are asking his wife just exactly how many sit ups did he do before throwing out his back? she said one.
-
BadJoke160
Q: Why does Mr. Spock hate pi?
A: Because pi is irrational
-
chauncy's wife comes home and says I have great news there is a part time opening at the company I work for. chauncy says but I would never see you if you took it as you work two jobs as is.
-
#BadJoke161
Q: What do you call a grizzly without any teeth?
A: A gummy bear
-
as his wife was serving dinner, chauncy said a horror writer could make a feature movie from seeing your cooking tonights would be entitled attack of the meatloaf monster.
-
#BadJoke162
Q: Why do cats make the fluffiest omlettes?
A: Because they have the best whiskas
-
#BadJoke163
Q: Whast do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A: A spec-tater
-
chauncy's wife comes in with an entertainment guide saying it lists all the night spots and pubs in the area. chauncy looks at the list of pubs saying nope banned there, and there, owe that one too much money, banned there, faught too many times in that one. then hands the list back to her saying none of those will do sorry.
-
#BadJoke164
Q: Why was everyone laughing at the farmer's outfit?
A: Because he was wearing a hardy harvest
-
*Groans*
-
chauncy wrote his wife a poem roses are red violets are blue lets go out tonight the drinks are on you
-
#BadJoke165
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get upwind from the skunk. YUCK!
-
the bar keep grabs chauncy's arm and starts pulling him toward the door. chauncy said I thought you went to a customer management class for barkeeps. he says I did. chauncy said so what did they teach you about handling customers. the barkeep sais for ones like you, karate.
-
#BadJoke166
Q: Why do Marvel Comics fans like Taylor Swift?
A: Because she likes to sing about her ex-men
-
;D ;)
-
chauncy tells his wife their neighbour told him he should help her around the house. she said so what are you going to do about it? he said, I am going to the pub to think about it over a few pints
-
#BadJoke167
Q: What kind of dog is best for business meetings?
A: A conference collie
-
#BadJoke168
Q: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A: a Zzzz-Rex
-
:'(
-
chauncy is telling his neighbour that his mother in law wanted to come over and help plant a tree in their garden chauncy said no need, I already dug a deep enough hole and have the tree but she insisted so, I told her she can help fertilize it. I just finushed planting it a moment ago. his neighbour said I dont see your mother in law shouldnt she be fertilizing it now. chauncy ssid she is, you are just not looking deep enough in the garden.
-
#BadJoke169
Q: Why did the ghosts quit studying?
A: Because they were too ghoul for school
-
#BadJoke170
Q: What is the opposite of a croissant?
A: A happy uncle.
-
after chauncy took a vicious hit playing football, the medics told him dont worry we will get to to the hospital right away. he replied never mind the hospital just get me to the nearest pub
-
#BadJoke171
Q: What did the math book tell the chemistry book?
A: You're lucky to have solutions. I'm full of problems
-
chauncy says he is headed to the pub. his wife says the market is next door to the pub isnt it? he says yes it is. she replies, we need a few items at the market, I made a list. he says great, when you finish the shopping pop into the pub and say hello.
-
#BsdJoke172
Q: What was Bruce Wayne's favorote toy as a baby?
A: The Bat Mobile
-
chauncy enters the pub lookong exhausted. he aska the barkeep to give him a pint and downs it quickly. the keep says you drank that rather fast. chauncy says yes I have had an exhausting day, all that painting, house repair, and gardening and those are only 3 of the things my wife kept trying to get me to do all day.
-
#BadJoke173
Q: Why would chiropractors make good comedians?
A: Because they like to crack people up
-
chauncy's wife says every day you di the same thing gamble then drink all night at the pub, you need to change your ways. chauncy says ok starting tomorrow, I will drink then gamble
-
#BadJoke174
Q: Why didn't the zombie eat the mannequin?
A: It was a no-brainer
-
chauncy's wife tells chauncy dont forget my mum is coming over for dinner, she should be here in 10 minutes. he says dont worry I did not forget, in fact my taxi to the pub should be here any minute now.
-
#BadJoke175
Q: What happens when the gardener catches you stealing his flowers?
A: He'll beat the plants of you
-
chauncy enters the pub and announces he just won at the track on a 100 to 1 horse. he is musing how to spend his winnings as the barkeep hands him his ious and says start with paying your tab here.
-
#BadJoke176
Q: What did the ninja dog win at the Westminster dog contest?
A: Best in no-show
-
chauncy's wife said are you going to lie on the couch like that all day? chauncy said of course not, I will have to turn over onto my other side sooner or later.
-
#BadJoke177
Q: Why didn't the blueberry participate in any of the sports drafts?
A: Because it didn't want to be picked
-
chauncy tells his wife lets just stay in tonight and watch a movie on the telly. she says translation, you have been banned from the pub again havent you?
-
#BadJoke178
Q: Why can't you have a concert at the poultry farm?
A: The chickens won't stop yelling "Free Bird!"
-
the bouncer at the new pub in town, having heard about chauncy, made him promise to behave if he allowed him to enter. chauncy promised he would behave himself and was allowed in. a short time later, a fight broke out with chauncy in the middle of it. the bouncer said, I thought you said you would behave in here. chauncy said I did behave we just have a different meaning of behave.
-
#BadJoke179
Q: What type of platypus has blue blood?
A: an aristocrastypus
-
chauncy read an article and says what is all this stuff about bitcoin that is like imaginary money its not even real. the bar keep says so it is sort of like how you plan to pay your ious then
-
#BadJoke180
Q: What do you call a dirty Powerpoint presentation?
A: Mudslides!
-
chauncy is chatting with a newbie to the pub and says, you know, I was in the secret service before I got married. the newbie says I find that hard to believe. chauncy says what that I was in the secret service? the newbie says no, that you found someone to marry you.
-
#BadJoke181
Q: What do you call a seasick turkey?
A: A wobble gobble
-
two constables are talking one says, I love the unpredictability of our job. Then they saw chauncy fighting by the pub. The constsble said then again, some things are always the same.
-
#BadJoke182
Q: Why did six want a rematch to five and seven?
A: Because it wanted to even the odds!
-
chauncy wakes up, looks at the clock and says I nerd to get up, I am late for my midmorning nap on the couch
-
#BadJoke183
Q: Why does Hamlet take too long in the bathroom?
A: Because he can't decide whether to pee or not to pee
-
chauncy has had one too many and is on the ground by the pub. a constable sees him and says you need to accompany me to the station. chauncy says as long as you have been working there I would thing you could find it by yourself.
-
#BadJoke184
Q: How do cats celebrate autumn?\
A: With a pumpkin mice latte
-
Goes in search of booze to dull the pain.
-
sean says to the barkeep it looks like chauncy and that bloke are about to fight, what are you going to do about it? the barkeep says what else, bet $5 on chauncy
-
chauncy's wife comes home and sees the living room a mess with chauncy laying on the couch. she says why didn't you clean up this mess? he replies I thought about it but it might have shocked you and such excitement is not good gor women of your age.
-
#BadJoke185
Q: What is it called when you wake up thinking it is a workday but find out it is the weekend?
A: Satur-YAY
-
#BadJoke186
Q: What do you call a dog magician?
A: a labracadabrador
-
chauncy sits down next to sean at the game and says I see the stadium has made the walls higher to prevent people from climbing over them to get in for free. sean says so you mean you finally paid to see a game. chauncy says no way, the workmen left a ladder by the building next door.
-
#BadJoke187
Q: What did the tortoise say to his lover?
A: I turtlely love you
-
chauncy's wife said you spend more time at that pub than you do with me, now which of us do you love more? 20 muinutes later she says well? he says don't rush me I am thinking
-
BadJoke188
Q: How many siblings does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. By the time they stop fighting, you will have already finished changing it!
-
chauncy sees the worst karaoke singer at the pub looking very down and asks him what was wrong. He replies in a whisper, my doctor said I have laryngitis, I cannot sing. chauncy says I know you cant sing but what about the laryngitis?
-
#BadJoke189
Q: Where does the rat go when he has a toothache?
A: To the rodentist
-
the karaoke singer boasts that he has a fan club. chauncy says not counting family how many people are in it? he says mind your own business chauncy. chauncy say as I thought none.
-
#BadJoke190
Q: How do you get a barber to cross the road?
A: Just yell "Comb over here!"
-
#BadJoke191
Q: Why do zombies like autumn?
A: Becauase everyone has pumpkin spice on the brain
-
Groans
-
This is kinda sick but funny: I think
when you get cremated have your family put you in a hour glass.. that way when they play games you will still be apart of the family and in that game as well..
ok I will leave now lol
-
a news report comes on the telly about an esrthquake in a neighbouring town. chauncy asks his wife isnt your mother staying in that area? better check to see if she fell down earlier.
-
#BadJoke192
Q: Why do owls turn their cell phones off at night?
A: So they don't get hooty calls
-
;D
-
sean walks by the pub and notices it is closed. he rings up the keep asking why they are closes. the keep says chauncy is sick and cannot come tonight so it would not be worth me opening without him here.
-
#BadJoke193
Q: Why did the trombone cross the road?
A: To get to the other slides -- womp womp womp
-
chauncy goes to sean's house to get him to go to the pub with him. sean says I will be there in a moment, I am just setting up a bookcase. chauncy says when did you get a book?
-
#BadJoke194
Q: Why didn't the greens cross the road?
A: Because they didn't want to end up as road kale
-
#BadJoke195
Q: Whgy was the peach so mean?
A: Becsuse it had a heart of stone.
-
chauncy's wife comes home, sees him napping on the couch and says if you did not sleep all day, imagine the things you could do around here. chauncy says it was the thinking about it that wore me out causing me to need the nap.
-
Exactly how that works.
-
#BadJoke196
Q: What do you call an elephant on hockey skates?
A: an icebreaker!
-
#BadJoke197
Q: Why do pirates make such great singers?
A: Because they love to hit the high C's
-
chauncy says he is going to the pub. his wife says ok, but dont get drunk, dont get into any fights, and dont get arrested. he says with those type of rules, I may as well stay home
-
#BadJoke198
Q: What did the underwear say to the poop?
A: Here's looking at you, skid!
-
as the constable is leading chauncy away chauncy says you cannot arrest me I know my rights. the constable replies yes but it is your wrongs I am arresting you for.
-
#BadJoke199
Q: How can you tell when two fireworks are in love?
A: Sparks fly
-
#BadJoke200
Q: What did one bird say to the other when they were going south for the winter?
A: All this flying is giving me a migrate headache!
-
during karaoke night someone sang a song ashes to ashes, chauncy said to his wife, hey he is singing about your cooking
-
#BadJoke201
Q: What do you call a herd of cows flying to Omaha?
A: Steaks on a plane
-
chauncy is reading his horoscope and says, this says I will find the love of my life this week. he turns to the pub keep and asks is there a new beer coming out this week?
-
#BadJoke202
Q: How is duct tape like the Force?
A: It has a light side, a dark side, and it binds the galaxy together.
-
#BadJoke203
Q: Why couldn't the cat resist opening Pandora's box?
A: Because it was cardboard
-
chauncy comes home and tells his wife he had seen her mum in the pub and that she has laryngitis. his wife says so she cant talk at all then? he says not a word but she managed to insult me the whole nigjt in mime and hand gestures
-
#BadJoke204
Q: Why did the loemur stop dating the sloth?
A: Because it did not make a move
-
as chauncy and sean leave the pub they run into a bloke who says he is looking for the pub that is having karaoke night. chauncy says you are the only one actually looking for it but it is right in there
-
Heh...
-
#BadJoke205
Q: How do lumberjacks work from home?
A: They log in
-
sean asks chauncy why he is wearing knee pads. chauncy said so I wont scrape my knees crawling home from the pub
-
#BAdJoke206
Q: Why can't you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?
A: Because they always take things, literally
-
chauncy tells his eife that there is a scientific method to horse betting and there must be a routine yo it. she said yo bad yours is bet lose, bet lose, bet lose
-
chauncy says I do not get why my wife got so upset with me, all I did was suggest we dine al fesco last night. sean says where did you take her? he says to the finest hot dog stand in the area.
-
chauncy is talking about how his friends aee getting into exercise one went from the couch to running 5ks, another from couch to jogging, but chauncy goes from couch to pub
-
the bank manager tells chauncy, yes, we do issue home improvement loans but a moving aidewalk from your house to the pub does not qualify as a home improvement.
-
chauncys wife considers playing monopoly against him is too much like real life, he always ends up owing everyone momey and constantly going to jail.
-
the keep tells chauncy it is closing time and he needs to leave. chauncy says where can I go? the keep says it is 2 am how about home. chauncy says I suppose I could do with an early night, why not.
-
the bank mamager says ok chauncy, we will enter your information into the computer for your loan approval and wait for a response. The manager returns and says, I did not know computers knew such foul language when denying a loan.
-
#BadJoke207
Q: Where do sheep go to vacation?
A: The BAAhamas
-
the constable complains to the sergeant that he was told joining the force meant something new and exciting each day but so far all he has spent his time doing is arresting chauncy for public intox.
-
sean asks chauncy how his driving lesson went. chauncy said he throught the instructor was too fussy. sean replied well, you did take off in the car before the instructor was in it you know.
-
chauncy was asked what he would change if he won the lottery, he said nothing, no need to.
-
chauncy comes in, his wife is staring at him. he looks at his watch and says what are you on about it is only 10 o'clock. she says yes, AM.
-
chauncy runs accross a group collecting money for supporting the local animal shelter. they ask him for a donation. he says actually, I am on my way to support some animals right now. they say good for you. he says yes, I am on my way to the race track.
-
sean is telling chauncy about a recent adventure he had when chauncy says he has to go. sean says off how you always have to go when my money runs out no matter the topic of discussion.
-
sean is boasting about how many celebrities he has met and showing pictures of him standing by people like sprinsteen and seger trying to impress a girl. chauncy sees it and says oh, showing off pictures of yourself at the wax museum again?
-
chauncy returns from the barber steamed. when asked whats wrong, he replies the barber asked if I wanted jiat one hair cut or all five of them.
-
sean is chatting up a girl in the pub as chsuncy stands by. seans asks what brings her into the pub. she says she is recently single but if you two are examples of whats available, I am going back to my ex and leaves.
-
chauncy gets chucked put of the pub. he yells how did it feel throwing put a drcent bloke. the bouncer replies I wouldnt know, I booted you out.
-
sean complains to chauncy that they are stuck in a pattern, every might go to the pub and drink beer. sean says ok, how about tonight you switch to whisky.
-
chauncy was asked why he has not found a job yet. his wife pops in and says because to chauncy there are only two types of job, ones he cannot do and ones he refuses to do.
-
chauncy orders more pints than usual at the pub. the barkeep asks him why he is drinking so much. he says well my doctor told me I need to drink more as I was showing signs of dehydration. the keep says, I am not sure the doctor meant beer. chauncy says well what else is there?
-
sean and chauncy enter the pub. sean saus there are those twins from school in here, it is still hard to tell them apart. chauncy says not for me, the ine glaring at me is the one I owe money to.
-
Heh heh...
-
chauncy and his wife are pondering going to the movies. she says there are 8 movies out at the local theatre, which ine would you prefer to sleep through?
-
a politician running for office comes in the pub and begins his campaign promises, among which he says he will reduce the price of beer. sean says well that promise is lost on chauncy, he hasnt paid for a pint in years.
-
sean enters the pub and says his wife told him they were to go to her mum's for dinner. he ssid he told her he was going to the pub. chsuncy said and how long before you have to get back home? sean said ten minutes.
-
chauncy's lawyer is asking the judge for bail to be set. the judge asks if chauncy is a flight risk. as chaincy still had not sobered up, the lawyer said at present he is not even a walk risk.
-
#BadJoke208
Q: What do cows like to watch on TV?
A: MOOO-vies
-
#BadJoke209
Q: Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
-
#BadJoke210
Q: Why do people say “break a leg” when you go on stage?
A: Because every play has a cast.
-
the local bully and chauncy get into a fight in the pub resulting in chauncy being thrown through the window. chauncy gets up and walks toward to door to go back in. sean says you are brave to go back in after that fight. chauncy says I have to, I left a pint on the counter less than half finished.
-
I like Chauncy's style.
-
chauncy's wife says she is going to the mall with her mum as her mum wants to buy some material to make a dress. chauncy asks oh, how many acres of fabric is she buying?
-
chauncy sees an advert for a well paying job with decent hours and no set qualifications in the paper. he says now yo hide this from my wife before she tries to talk me into applying for it.
-
chauncy's wife says her mum is at the plastic surgery clinic for a face lift. chauncy says that explaims the three semi trucks I saw unloading supplies there earlier.
-
chauncy's wife is after him about repairing the fence and has been for some time. one dsy while she was out, he decides to do something about it, he buries his tools in the garden and tells her he cannot fix it as he list all the tools.
-
chauncy's wife begins vacuuming the house. chauncy says you know I do not like to see you working so hard like that, couldn't you wait to do that until I go to the pub?
-
chauncy yells upstairs to his wife that her mum is there for their girls night out. his wife yells back be down in a moment, just chat with her until I get there. chauncy turns to her mum and asks so did you come by bus or broom?
-
chauncy comments on how the neighbourhood is changing all of the pubs are more upscale now. his wife says it just means you get to be thrown out of a better class of pub every night.
-
Heh heh...
-
chaincy's wife comes in and says her mum was injured in an accident. chaincy says did she fall off her broom again?
-
chauncy comes in and says we cannot afford to get the heater repaired but I bought some books on heater repair, we can burn them in the fireplace to stay warm.
-
a new comer enters the pub stating he is on a world tour. he asks if there are any others in the pub who have visited different places. sean says chauncy over there as visited a number of places, he keeps getting banned from pub after pub and has to find a new one.
-
chauncy decides to help his wife while she is at work so he made a list of thing for her to do when she got home
-
chauncy's wife saw a job application he had filled out and said well I can see why no one hires you, under time availability for mornings you put no I sleep in, for afternoons no at the bookies or playing pool and evenings, no at the pub. chauncy said well it is a matter of priorities.
-
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U..S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.
The cowboy continued, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."
The cowboy paused dramatically for just a moment as all of what he said sunk in, and then delivered the coup de grace...
"Now give me back my dog."
-
lol
-
Ian told his friend, I am going into that pub and demand an apology from chauncy, this won't take a minute. he goes in, comes flying out through the window. his friend says well you right, it didn't take a minute, it was more like ten seconds.
-
chauncy's wife says her mum is taking up jogging. chauncy replies, did anyone notify the people who monitor for earthquakes so there won't be any false alarms?
-
chauncy gets home and tells his wife he had seen her mum at the pub. she says don't tell me you got into another fight at the pub with her. he replies not a cross word was spoken between us. she says well I am happy to hear that. how did you manage to get on with her so well? he replied, who said I got on with her, I was able to slip out the back door and into the pub accross the street before she knew I was there.
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the barkeep asks chauncy if he is supersitious about anything. chauncy says actually, yes, buying the first round is bad lick for me. sean says, not to mention the second, third, and fourth rounds.
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chauncy's wife suggests they try the new pub in town, he says no, that place is too upscale for me. she says let me guess you have already been barred from it havent you?
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chauncy us at the bank, the manager confirms the bank allows one to open an avvount with only $5 and the account does immediately qualify for over draft protection, then says but that does not mean you can use an IOU for the $5.
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sean asks chauncy if he should bring the beer when he comes over to watch the game tonight. chauncy says you know the rule about you being a guest at the house. sean says sorry, I meant to say beer and snacks.
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chauncy tells his wife her mum is there to pick her up for a girls night out. his wife says will be down in a moment just chat with mum until I get there. chauncy says to his mother in law, I see your latest diet has failed you gained what 50 lbs?
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chauncy walks into the pub wearing knee pads. sean asks what is with those? chauncy replies my wofe got them for me for the crawl home after the pub.
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chauncy comes home after going to the game. his favourite team lost. he blurts out the amlunt they charge to watch those bums play is insane. his wife says that may be but you never pay to see it as you always sneak in by climbing the back fence.
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the desk sergeant berates chauncy saying you waste your time getting drunk half the night and in trouble the other half. chauncy ssys you are right thst is a waste of time, I need to change that to drink 3/4 of the night and get in trouble 1/4 to allow more time for drinking.
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chauncy gets up and tells his wife, I should have lnown better at my age. she says you mean you finally admit you drank too much? he replies, no, I should have known better than to try to get up this early.
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chauncy's wife goes with him to the employment agency and tells him I will wait by this door for you, do not come back unless you find a job. chauncy approaches the receptionist who asks him can I help you out? chaun y says yes, is there a back way out of here?
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the barkeep tells chauncy you have forced me to hire a bouncer. chauncy ask how he caused that. the keep says because you have put on too much weight for me to chuck you out by myself.
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#BadJoke211
Q: What do you do to a sad astronaut?
A: Give it some space
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sean meets chauncy at the pub and says I earned this outing tonight, I repainted the kitchen, cleared out the garden, and mowed the lawn. chauncy replies, I earned mine too as I had to change the batteries in the remote.
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chauncy's wife tells him they are making a movie in town and hiring local residents for stand in roles, he should apply as he could get paid for just standing about. chauncy says if I have to stand, 9t is too much work, I will pass.
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chauncy tells the barkeep he has had a rough day, polishing, dusting, laundry, vacuuming, how is a bloke to get any sleep while his wife has all that going on.
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#BadJoke212
Q: Why don't ants get sick?
A: They have antibodies!
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it is pouring rain out as chauncy's wife gets home. he calls out as she comes in dripping wet, that dinner is ready, could you pop over to the chinese take away and pick it up?
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#BadJoke213
Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
A: Reality.
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#BadJoke214
Q: How do you get in touch with Italian ghosts?
A: Use a Luigi Board
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chauncy's wife is serving cherries jubilee but when she tries to light it, it will not ignite. chauncy says you mean there is something you made that wont catch fire?
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chauncy asks a constable the time. the constable says it is midnight or as aome call it the witching hour. chauncy says you must have met my mother in law
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#BadJoke215
Q: What animal needs oil?
A: A mouse because it squeaks.
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#BadJoke216
Q: Why are Teddy Bears never hungry?
A: Because they’re always stuffed.
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chauncy and his wife are playing scrabble. she says if you do not want to play just say it. he says now why would you think I do not want to play? she says your fist words in the game were escape, pub, pint, and beer.
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#BadJoke217
Q: What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
A: Attire!
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chauncy comes home late from the pub. his wife asks why he is so late. he says I was watching the game and it went into overtime. she says that may be but it is 2 am. he says good thing they have lights for the players to see by when they play this late isn't it.
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chauncy's wife comes home complaining that she has to work 40 hiurs a week then come and cook and clean while chauncy just lays about. chauncy says you know, I am glad you brought that up as I noticed you have been negoecting the gardening.
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#BadJoke218
Q: What do porcupines say when they kiss?
A: Ouch.
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#BadJoke219
Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: “Smiles,” because there are miles between each “s.”
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#BadJoke220
Q: How does a train eat?
A: It goes chew chew.
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chauncy arrives home, his wife says you told me you'd be home early so I prepared a special dinner for us but, now it is nigh on 2a.m. and the dinner is ruined. chauncy says no worries, I will settle for a sandwich.
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chauncy comes in and announces he picked up take away for dinner. his wife says you knew I was cooking tonight. chauncy says and that is why I brought take away.
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chauncy tells sean he feels a close connection to the people of their town. sean says well it is no wonder considering you owe almost all of them money.
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chauncy tells sean that his wife said give me one good reason I should not leave you, to whuch chaunce had replied well the laundy and garden will not tend themselves which apparently is not what she wanted to hear bases onnhis present appearance.
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chauncy's wife comes in holding the day's paper and says I suppose you think this is funny? chauncy says what's this then? she says they paper is having a mustache competition and you entered my mother as a contestant.
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chauncy comes home very late from the pub. his wife asks why are you so late tonight. he replies, I fell asleep in the back of the pub and got locked in by accident. she responded there is a phone there you know, you could have called for help. he said, are you daft? I would have missed a perfect opportuinty with all that beer if I would have done thhat.
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a salesman comes to chauncy's door and asks if he would like to hear about their new windows. chauncy said that depends on how evenly they break when you throw a salesman threw them. the salesman suddenly remembered another appointment and left.
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the usual annoying karaoke singer at the pub say he went to the bank with his violin case and everyone in the bank looked afraid like he might be a robber. chauncy said more likely they were afraid you might play it.
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chauncy comes home from the track, his wife asks him how he did. he says put it this way, a horse I bet on for the 1st race was so slow, he came in last in the 3rd race.
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chauncy's wife says that is the last time we watch a nature program while my mother is here. chauncy says why? just because when they talked about how much a whale weighs, I asked your mum about her diet? his wife said it was how you asked, with the reference to the whale's weight compared to hers.
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chauncy's wife said I learned all my recipies from my mum and she from her mum, perhaps I should write a book and sell it with all the recipies passed down to me. chauncy says I have the perfect title, 1001 ways to poison someone with food.
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chauncy is at the bank and asks if he can open an account with only 1 pound, the teller says yes. he then asks if the account includes overdraft protection again yes. but he was thrown out when he tried to use an IOU for the 1 pound to open the account.
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Chauncey is at the bank, the manager tells him it is no longer needed to go into a bank to apply for a loan, he can do it online. Chauncey replied, I tried that once, I did not know a computer could laugh at you until then.
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Sean and chauncy are in the pub. The keep says I just need to pop into the cellar fir a mkment will be right back. He no sooner gets past the stairs and realizes the mistake he just made as he hears chauncy behind the bar and finds the cellar door locked.
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Chauncy teels the keep that his wife had come home saying she had tried a bew hair salon and wanted to know what he thought. when he told her she looked like a poodle that had been hit by ligjtning, she told him to eat at the pub tonight.
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Chauncy asks his wife to get a cup of tea for him. She yells I am still cleaning the oven. He says oh, I forgot well, mind your head when you stand up to make the tea.
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Chauncy is banging on the door yelling for his wife to open the door. Sean says to him you are still in the pub and that is the closet door.
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The bloke next to chauncy in the oub says I can see yiu are not afraid to grab an opportunity when you see it. Chauncy says what makes you say that. He replies that us my pint you grabbed while my back was turned.
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Chauncy's mother in law arrives to drop off a recipie for his wife. Chauncy tells his wife your mum is here with the formula for her latest failed food experiment.
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Chauncy sees a flyer for a job posting with ideal wages and hours for whuch he met the qualifications. He decided to hide the flyer before his wife saw it so he would not have to apply.
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Chauncy tells the keep there is nothing so rare and elegant as a fresh poured pint of ale. The keep says I know of one thing. Chauncy says what might that be? The keep says the sight of you actually paying your tab.
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Chauncy recently had a minor unfortunate accident. Seems when he went to the pub, he forgot his house key. When he got home, he had to knock on the door but his wife did not seem to hear him so, he pushed open the mail flap in the door to yell for her. As he yelled her name, the flap snapped shut on his tongue. Just as he got it out, his wife opened the door hitting him in the head with it. This made it dufficult for him to order a pint at tge pub as his tongue was still swollen the next night.
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Chauncy enters the pub and seens a line of people at the pub. The keep says they are all waiting for you, you iwe them each at least one pint. Chauncy says ok, set them all up, I need to step into the gents for a moment. He slips into the loo, then out the window to head home.
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Chauncy's wife tells him her mum just got her licture taken at a local photographer's shop. Chauncy says we should see if we csn get a large copy of her picture. His wife says I am sure I can ask her for one but why do you want it, you are the last person I would think to ask. He saus we could hang it in the door to scare off salesmen.
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Chauncy enters and gives a perfwct explabation as to why he is late from getting home from the pub. He gets a response from the woman entering the room saying while that is a plausible explanation, there are 2 problems 1. Thus is not your house and 2. I am not your wife.
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Chauncy tells sean, I cannot believe they threw me out of the pub after all the money I have spent in there. Sean says all the money who spent? Chauncy says ok you spent but that is just a minor detail.
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Chauncy asks the loan officer what the difference between a secured and unsecured loan is. The loan officer says in your case none as you are not getting either.
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Chauncy is in the local nic (jail). The copper comes to tell him his barister (lawyer) has arrived. Chauncy says ah he's come to get me out has he? The copper says no, he said to tell you, you can stay where you are until you pay his bill for last time.
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Chauncy's wife returns home from work and is visibly exhausted. Chauncy says you look tired, let me help you tonight by suggesting whuch take away you should walk to and bring back for dinner.
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Chauncy goes outside and yells at his neighbours to keep the noise of their party down as it is 3 am and his wife needs to get up for work in four hours. The neighbour says oh, I am sorry, to make it up to you, come on in and have a drink at the party. Chauncy says why not, one night of no sleep will not hurt her.
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The keep asked chauncy why he looked so down. Chauncy said I bet on a horse that came in first place in the fourh race. The keep said you should be happy then. Chauncy said no, because he started in the first race.
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Chauncy's wife comes hone from work. Chauncy says your mum popped by twice today. His wife says what did she want? He replied, she probably wanted me to open the door.
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Chauncy is at the doctor. His wife is in the room with him as the doctor comes in and writes him a prescription then says take this three times a day with a meal. Chauncy says doc are you trying to kill me, I can't survive three of my wife's meals a day.
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The police see chauncy get chucked put of the pub. They know they cannot leave him there but do not have time to deal with him so decide to chuck him back in past a very confused bouncer who had never seen someone thrown into the pub before just out.
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Chauncy asks his wife what it is she just put on the table. She replies soup but I know you do not like it too watery. He replies that may be but it should at least be liquid.
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Chauncy sees his doctor. The doctor asks about his drinking. Chauncy says he is a moderate drinker. The doctor says well an occassional can have health benefits so ok. Chauncy comes home with 5 cases of beer and tells his wife his doctor prescribed it.
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It is closing time. The barkeep tosses chauncy out and locks the door. He turns around and sees chauncy standing at the bar and looks confused. Chauncy says you left a window open now how about a pint.
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Chauncy wakes up holding his head and says I finally learned my lesson, never again. His wife says you mean you are going to stop drinking. He says no, just never again to drink an off brand like last night.
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Chauncy's wife tells him she bought a 2 week booking at a beauty spa and resort for her mum for her birthday. Chauncy said only 2 weeks? They won't have even made a dent in that time would take at least a year.
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The constable takes chauncy to the nic. The sgt sees him and says I am tired of seeing you here and this is a very busy night. Chauncy saus no problem, I will be happy to come back another time just have the constable drop me off back at the pub.
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Chauncy's wife invites their pastor to dinner. When they are seated, the pastor asks if they would mind if he says grace before eating. Chauncy says given it is my wife's cooking, you will want to pray before, during, and after eating.
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The sgt. comes to let Chauncy out of his cell and send him off. As he does so, he says off you go and I do not wsnt to see you here again. Chauncy replies then you need to retire early.
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Chauncy has had too much to drink and can barely walk. He unknowingly walks up to a constable and asks if he can give him a ride. The constable agrees and takes Chauncy to the nic. In the cell, Chauncy yells I meant to my home not here.
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A friend asked chauncy if he used any messenger apps. Chauncy said no, no one can loan you money or buy you a pint via a messenger spp.
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Chauncy tells his wife that her mum must be in the beauty parlour again. She says and how could you tell? He replies I saw 3 of the employees come out screaming and calling for back up.
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Chauncy tells the barkeep he loves the sound of the quitting time whistle at the local factory. The keep said yes it does make one proud of our industry. Chauncy says I suppose but it means Sean will be in soon to buy me a pint or two.
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#BadJoke221
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion?
A: Claude.
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Chauncy's wife comes home from work. He offers to get her some tea. She immediately asks which is it, you want money, you broke something of mine, or you got in trouble again? He says the 1st one.
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Sean asks Chauncy whay he does when he is coming in late, knowing his wife is waiting to yell at him by the door. Chauncy replies that's essy, I sneak in the back door and am upstairs and in bed while she keeps waiting downstairs.
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When chauncy's wife cane home he told her that her mum had stopped by but could not stay, she said she had to fly. Chauncy then said and by the way one of our brooms is now missing.
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As the constable was hauling chauncy off, chauncy said you know we have something in common. The constable replied and what might that be? Chauncy says at the end of the night, we both go to the nic. The constable says that may be but you stay there while I go home after.
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Chauncy's wife tells him that she is buying her mum a new microwave for her birthday. Chauncy says why, did her witch's cauldron spring a leak?
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Chauncy's mother in law says her dr told her much of her weight was fluid retention. Chauncy muttered more lije cake retention. She said I heard that.
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#BadJoke222
Q: What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he hits the windshield
A: His ass
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Sean tells chauncyI was hoping you would repay that 20 I loaned you the other night. Chauncy says you are an optimist aren't you.
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#BadJoke223
Q: Why was the blanket arrested?
A: Because he looked a little quilty
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Chauncy tells sean he cannot play in the darts tournament as his shoulder is still out from the last tourney. Sean's wife asks him how do you throw your shoulder out playing darts? Sean said by trying to throw the opposing player out of the pub window.
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Chauncy sees his friend shamus and asks if he would like to go to the pub for a pint and watch the game. Shamus says sure but I am a bit short so won't be able to buy my round. Chauncy says not to worry, I will ask sean instead.
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#BadJoke224
Q: Why was the volleyball team kicked out of the party?
A: They spiked the punch!
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Chauncy asks his wife to patch the knees area of his trousers. She says, again? He says well it is not my fault they wear out like that. She says yes it is, if you could come home from the pub on your feet, the knees of your trousers would not wear out.
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#Badjoke225
Q: Why do people in Athens hate waking up early?
A: Because Dawn is tough on Greece!
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#BadJoke226
Q: What sound does a limping turkey make?
A: Wobble Wobble
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#BadJoke227
Q: Why can't you own a sick eagle?
A: Because it's ill-eagle!
-
#BadJoke228
Q: What do you call a cat driving a taxi?
A: a tabby cabbie
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The marriage counselor suggested chauncy and his wife spend 20 minutes or so per evening talking about their day. Chauncy asks is it ok if I call from the pub to do so?
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#BadJoke229
Q: What did the gamer say to her sweetheart?
A: You had me at Halo
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#BadJoke230
Q: Why do Norwegian ships have barcodes on the side of them?
A: So they can… Scan Da Navy In
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Sean says his wife is a good cook and uses the best spices. Chauncy said mine uses a fire extinguisher
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#BadJoke231
Q: How do lightbulbs send love letters?
A: By lamppost
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Sean sees chauncy with a swollen nose and asks what happened to you, another fight? Chauncy said not exactly, my wife was about to start cooking dinner when a wasp flew in to the house and landed on my nose. I asked her to get it off me, she still had the frying pan in her hand and the rest is a little fuzzy from there.
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#BAdJoke232
Q: Where does chocolate milk come from?
A: A dairy cacao
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#BadJoke233
Q: What do the Eiffel Tower and a tick have in common?
A: They are both Paris-sites.
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Chauncy's wife calls him to the garden. When he arrives she says do you know what I would like to see.here? He says what would that be? She says you working and hands him a leafblower.
-
BadJoke234
Q: Why's it so hard to make a scarecrow?
A: 'Cause you're just grasping at straws
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Chauncy falls through the cellar door at the pub. Sean yells for the bar keep and tells him what happened. The bar keep yells down to chauncy asking if he is ok and that he will get a ladder to help him get out. Chauncy yells back that he is ok and take your time on the ladder just send down a glass. The keep says I will get that ladder double time my best wines are stored down there.
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#BadJoke235
Q: Why are tennis pros always hugging each other?
A: Because they start their matches at love all!
-
#BadJoke235
Q: Why do people from Finland make great project managers?
A: They Finnish
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Chauncy's wife tells their narriage counselor that when they went out to the pub for a date night, he spent the entire time reading the news. He said but what she did not tell you is that the telly was out so what else was I to do.
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#BadJoke237
Q: How do ya know if you're talking to an extraterrestrial?
A: Lots of probing questions.
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Chauncy asks his wife what is for dinner. She replies left overs of the lasgana I made last night. He grimaces and starts to head for the door. She says what's wrong, don't like my lasagna? He says if I did, there would not be left overs.
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#BadJoke238
Q: Why can't people trust the fastest land animal?
A: Because it's a cheetah.
-
#BadJoke239
Q: What do you get when you cross a leprechaun with Cupid?
A: Rainbows and arrows! look out!
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#BadJoke240
Q: What do you call a person who rents to two daredevils who dress like Evel Keniel?
A: The lessor of two evels
-
#BadJoke241
Q :Where do cats go on vacation?
A: The Meow-tains!!
-
#BadJoke242
Q: What is a Pirates favorite letter?
A: It would be the R, if not for the C!
-
#BadJoke243
Q: What is Batman's favorite fruit?
A: Banananananananananananananas
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#BAdJoke244
Q: Why are cows tired after giving birth?
A: They are decaffeinated!
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Minor point on bad joke 238, the fastest land animal is a bird called a swift cheetahs are the fastest mammal though.
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Chauncy's wife said she wanted to do a family tree of her side of the family starting with her mother's records. Chauncy said do you think witches keep such records?
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#BadJoke245
Q: What is a washing machine's favorite tv show?
A: socks in the city
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#BadJoke246
Q: Why did King Kong climb the Empire State building?
A: 'Cause he couldn't fit in the elevator!
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Chauncy's mother in law is at the door for a lady's night out. Chauncy calls to his wife that her mum is at the door. She replies, I will be down in a moment ask her to wait. Chauncy tells his mother in law, she will be ready in a moment, just wait outside by your broom and dont mind the rain.
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#BaqdJoke247
Q: How does Spock make his favorite dessert?
A: With a Jello mindmold!
-
Chauncy is seen tearing up a bet slip from the horses saying he gives up thats the last time. His wife says you mean you are giving up betting on the horses. He replies no, thats the last tine I rely on sean for tips on the horses.
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#BadJoke248
Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall?
A: He had too much egg noggin
-
#BadJoke249
Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing Wing
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Chauncys wife is making cherries jubilee for dessert unfortunately when she tries to light the alcohol on fire it eill not light. Chauncy says funny how you can burn everything except what you are supposed to light on fire.
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#BadJoke250
Q: Why doesn't the gingerbread man have any teeth?
A: Chronic gingervitis
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Chauncy comes in and tells his wife that sean and his friend have come over to watch the game on the telly. Chauncy's wife says I was just making dinner but we have enough for everyone. Chauncy says I think we will watch the game at the pub instead.
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#BadJoke251
Q: Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
A: He wouldn't share the drumsticks. Also they're British.
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#BadJoke252
Q: Why did the raven get kicked out of the tavern?
A: Because it was a crow bar! caw caw
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#BadJoke253
Q: Why should you serve gazpacho to your enemies?
A: Because revenge is a dish best served cold.
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#BadJoke254
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a python?
A: A feather boa.
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The constable sees chauncy laying on the street after the pub closed. He shakes him and says you need to go home or spend the night in the nic. Chauncy looks at him and says is there a third option?
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#BadJoke255
Q: Where do you put an argumentative fighting fish?
A: It's in da beta-bowl.
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#BadJoke256
Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheberg.
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#BadJoke257
Q: Why did the cranberries turn red?
A: Because they saw the turkey dressing
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#BadJoke258
Q: Why does a tiger have stripes?
A: So he won't be spotted
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Chauncy applies for a business loan at the bank. He is asked what the name of the business will be. He says chauncy freelance beer taster.
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#BadJoke259
Q: What do you call a snail that likes to hike?
A: A trail-glazer.
-
#BadJoke260
Q: Why did the egg cross the road?
A: Just for the shell of it.
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#BadJoke261
Q: What's the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus
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#BadJoke262
Q: Why was the meat packer arrested?
A: For bringing home the bacon.
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Chauncy wakes up holding his head. He tells his wufe at my age, I really should know better. She say you mean better than to drink too much? He says no, better than to get up this early.
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#BadJoke263
Q: Wha's wrong with the red square and the black square?
A: They have a checkered past
-
#BadJoke264
Q: What is corned beef's favorite game?
A: Hash tag
-
#BadJoke265
Q: What is Yoda's favorite TV show?
A: Us This Is
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#BadJoke266
Q: What did rosemary say when sage proposed?
A: It's about thyme!
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#BadJoke267
Q: What do polar bears eat at a barbecue?
A: Icebergers!
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The constable asks the sgt if chauncy's lawyer had arrived yet. The sgt saud we are still waiting for him to sober up. The constable said chauncy should be sober enough by now. The sgt said I meant the lawyer not chauncy.
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#BadJoke268
Q: What is a shark's favorite sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish
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Chauncy's wife complains he never gives her anything. He retorts, that is not true, I gave you a puncture repair kit for you bicycle on our anniversary didnt I?
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#BadJoke269
Q: What's the difference between a butterfly and a regular fly?
A: One emerges from a pupa, and the other emerges from a poopa!
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Chauncy and his wife are playing darts at the club. Chauncy says well at least you habe all the darts hitting in a pattern, unfortunately they are all hitting the barkeep not the target.
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#BaqdJoke270
Q: Why did the snow plows ask for a raise?
A: Because they were just scraping by
-
#BadJoke271
Q: What word starts with 'e', ends with 'e' but only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope
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#BadJoke272
Q: What do you feed an invisible cat?
A: Evaporated milk
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#BadJoke273
Q: What do you call a running turkey?
A: Fast food
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#Badjoke274
Q: Why are tomatoes always late?
A: They refuse to ketchup
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Chauncy said he once thought about getting a job. The bar keep said so what happened. Chauncy said after a couple of pints the thought went away.
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#BadJoke275
Q: Why did the pencil stink?
A: Because it was a No. 2.
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It was karaoke nigjt at the pub. The worst singer in town steps up to the mic and says it is my turn to howl. Chauncy yells, you can howl all you want as long as you do not sing or it will be us doing the howling in pain.
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#BadJoke276
Q: Why did the football player cross the road?
A: To get to the other sideline
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Chauncy's wife yells saying look, your horse came in first. Chauncy replied yes, but the jockey came in last because he fell off at the gate so it doesnt count.
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#BadJoke277
Q: What's the best place in the house to hide from ghosts?
A: The living room.
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#BaqdJoke278
Q: Why did the backpack cross the road?
A: The chicken was going camping!
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Chauncy says he is going to take a nap as he needs his rest for the football game. She says what for, you are watching it on the telly not playing in it.
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#BadJoke279
Q: What happens when [the Greek God] Thor breaks wind?
A: There's thunder from down under!
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#BadJoke280
Q: What did the grumpy guy eat on his birthday?
A: Crab cake!
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Chauncy shows up at sean's house right at meal time. Sean's wife says I thought you said chauncy was coming here after dinner. Chauncy says right, with my wife's cooking, dinner is what I am here after.
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#BadJoke279
Q: What happens when [the Greek God] Thor breaks wind?
A: There's thunder from down under!
Umm... last time I checked... Thor was a Norse God. Freyja and Odin were his parents. Loki was his brother... and Sif became his wife. :)
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#BadJoke281
Q: What do you call two banana peels on the floor?
A: Slippers
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#BadJoke282
Q: Why does Waldo always wear stripes?
A: So he doesn't get spotted!
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#BadJoke279
Q: What happens when [the Greek God] Thor breaks wind?
A: There's thunder from down under!
Umm... last time I checked... Thor was a Norse God. Freyja and Odin were his parents. Loki was his brother... and Sif became his wife. :)
You are right. Though to be fair, I had been distracted with a couple other things when I wrote that.
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Chauncy comes home in a huff. His wife says, I take it the vote for president of your club did not go as planned? He says well would you stand for someone trying to buy votes and rig the election? She says certainly not. He says unfortunately the club felt the same way.
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#BadJoke283
Q: What is the fsvorite social media app for your parents' parents?
A: InstaGranny
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#BadJoke284
Q: What did the pepperoni say to the mozzarella?
A: You wanna pizza me?
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Chauncy's wife tells him the bank he used to keep getting turned down for loans in is now a pub. She says not that it changes anything in your case. He says how so its a pub now. She says yes and you will still go there and try to borrow money an get turned down.
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#BadJoke285
Q: Why did the golfers get kicked out of the library?
A: Their pants were way too loud!
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#BadJoke286
Q: Why did the writer make so many mistakes?
A: He was a Type O personality.
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#BadJoke287
Q: What's it called if a pig eats bacon?
A: Hamibalism.
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#BadJoke288
Q: How did the dog fix the lamp?
A: She just pugged it in!
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Chauncy comes into the pub looking a right mess. The keep asks him what happened. Chauncy saus I had a very educational day. The keep says how so? Chauncy says well, I learned two things today, one never give my wife a scale for her birthday and two she knows karate.
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#BadJoke289
Q: What is the meteorologist's favorite book?
A: "Oliver Twister."
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#BadJoke290
Q: Which Jedi always got his brother's hand-me-downs?
A: Obi Two Kenobi.
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The pub has a strolling magician hired to increase business. The keep looks over just in time to see chauncy and the magician get into a fight. He asks sean what that is all about. Sean says the magician was doing a trick and made chauncys pint vanish.
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#BadJoke291
Q: Who was the spiciest Knight of the Round Table?
A: Sir Racha!
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#BadJoke292
Q: What is a pirate's favorite animal?
A: argh-varks.
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Chauncy said, I know I am getting old when my wife stsys the night at her mum's and I nap instead of partying.
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#BadJoke293
Q: What do you call two cows sunbathing together?
A: Fine-leathered friends
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#BadJoke294
Q: Why was three afraid of two?
A: Because he killed every one!
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The constable asks chauncy who he was yelling at. Chauncy says that chap back there with the hat, I wished him happy holidays and he did not even have the decency to say a word to me. The constable says that was a snowman and you are coming with me to your usual cell for the night.
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#BadJoke295
Q: Why is Yogi so light on his feet?
A: Because he only carries the bear necessities
-
#BadJoke296
Q: What do flowers wear under their petals?
A: Underplants!
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Chauncy's wife comes in saying I think I am starting to feel the benefits of my morning jogs, it is good exercise. Chauncy says when a 90 year old with a cane passes you, that can hardly be called jogging.
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#BadJoke297
Q: What makes ghosts grumpy?
A: The rain. It really dampens their spirits.
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As chauncy and sean enter the pub, sean asks chauncy shall it be the usual? Chauncy says, I was thinking of trying something different. Sean says ok, how about you paying tonight, that would be different.
-
#BadJoke298
Q: What did the number 0 say to 8?
A: "Nice belt!"
-
#BadJoke299
Q: What's the hardest part about having an ant as a pet?
A: Putting the leash on.
-
#BadJoke300
Q: What's the best gift for a Zen master?
A: A house. Because they enjoy living in the present.
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It is raining particularly hard, the streets are flooded. The barkeep says not even chsuncy would venture out in this only to turn around and see a soaking wet chauncy enter the pub and say he had to swim to get there but he made it.
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#BadJoke301
Q: Why did the fox cross the road?
A: Free chicken!
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As the constable is hauling chauncy off yet again, chauncy says you know we have something in common. The constable says oh, and what might that be? Chauncy says we both end up in the same place every night.
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#BadJoke302
Q: What do you get when you cross a hippie with a ninja?
A: Peace and quiet!
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It is date night for chauncy and his wife. They could not agree on the movie. He wanted to see an action movie, she wanted a romantic comedy. He said lets flip a coin, heads we see the action movie, tails, you see the romantic thing while I go to the pub.
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#BadJoke303
Q: What do you call a search engine that sings Christmas songs?
A: Michael Google
(and the meme I got the joke from):
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/264339129_5229537020394293_6742692178007238062_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=jXNgsMPflAwAX_GduoF&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=53ab48b95cf70af0ff928600d63fbf90&oe=61B4F6C8)
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#BadJoke304
Q: What's the difference between a well-dressed cyclist and a scruffy guy on a tricycle?
A: Attire!
-
Sean approaches chauncy outside of the salon. Sean calls out to chauncy by chauncy asks him to hold it down. Sean whispers, what's up? Chauncy says my mother in law just went into the salon and I am waiting for the staff to scream.
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#BadJoke305
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef jerky.
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#BadJoke306
Q: Who hides Easter eggs that you never wanna find?
A: The Dust Bunny.
.
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Chauncy is at the bank, the manager tells him, you do know we have computers and can find out the financial history of anyone who comes in here, so tell me, your loan application is a joke right as no one with your history could seriously expect to get a loan.
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#BadJoke307
Q: Why is Santa afraid of getting stuck in a chimney?
A: He has claustrophobia
(and the meme I got it from)
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/265217097_5237189599629035_925161641298483012_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=slommaW4KisAX9BaD61&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=b14bf1a50f60b2dfee66ce699739e9bf&oe=61B5695B)
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#BadJoke308
Q: What happened when the marsupial applied for a mortgage?
A: He didn't koala-fy.
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Chauncy sees his friend eric and asks him to join their darts tourney as they need one more player. Eric says have you forgotten I am getting married at noon today? Chauncy says not at all, the tourney does not begin until 1230 plenty of time to get there, by the way there is a $10 entry fee for the tourney you can just give to me, see you at the pub.
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#BadJoke309
Q: How long does it take to carve a spoon?
A: Just a whittle while.
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#BadJoke310
Q: When do you put a cow on an elevator?
A: When you want to raise the steaks!
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Chauncy's wife is going over the bills as he watches the tellt. Eventually she gets frustrated and says cant you see me trying to sort out how to pay our bills, arent you going to do anything to help me? He says you are right, I should be more considerate, I will go to the pub so you can work in quiet.
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#BadJoke311
Q: Why was the dog proud of himself?
A: Because he did his doody!
-
#BadJoke312
Q: Why didn't the greens cross the road?
A: They didn't want to be road kale.
-
#BadJoke313
Q: Where do sea cows sleep at night?
A: In barn-acles!
-
#BadJoke314
Q: What do you call a Pulitzer Prize winning Star Trek book?
AL The Grapes of Wrath of Khan.
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A salesman comes to chauncy's house. Chauncy answers the door, having been awoken from his nap and asks ok what are you selling? The salesman looks about chauncy's house and says something you could defintely use here, new thermal insulated windows to replace these old things you have, what do you say? Chauncy says that depends on how well they shatter when a salesman is thrown through them. The salesman suddenly remembers another appointment and leaves.
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#BAdJoke315
Q: Why can't you have a concert at the poultry farm.
A: The chickens won't stop shouting "Free Bird!"
-
#BadJoke316
Q: How did the hipster burn his lips?
A: He drank his coffee before it was cool.
-
#BadJoke317
Q: How many sloths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one.
-
#BadJoke318
Q: Why did the butter knife put on a bow tie?
A: Because he wanted to look sharp!
-
Sean and chauncy are outside when they hear a loud crash in chauncy's house followed by his wife yelling. Sean asks what is she doing in there? Chauncy said baking a cake and sound like she dropped it and another dent in the flooring.
-
#BadJoke319
Q: What do you say to a toilet on its birthday?
A: Happy Bidet!
-
#BadJoke320
Q: Why did the bat fly into a wall?
A: He was blind as an umpire.
-
The bar keep tells chauncy, we have a new attraction tonight, meet mystical mary, she is a mind reader. Mary looks at chauncy and says no, I will not buy you a pint nor am I interested. The bar keep says good isn't she.
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#BadJoke321
Q: Why did the cyclops close his school?
A: Because he only had one pupil!
-
#BadJoke322
Q: How do you talk to an amoeba?
A: With a microbe-phone.
-
#BadJoke323
Q: What's the hottest jacket for fall?
A: A blazer.
-
#BadJoke324
Q: How do lumberjacks work from home?
A: They log in.
-
Chaincy comes in at 3 am from the pub. His wife meets him at the door and says you do know the sign on the front of the pub is just the hours they are open not a requirement for you to stay there that long?
-
#BadJoke325
Q: What did the pecan tree say to the psychiatrist?
A: I think I'm growing nuts.
-
#BadJoke326
Q: Why did the optometrist move to Mississippi?
A: Because it has the most i's!
-
#BadJoke327
Q: Why did the ski instructor go to college?
A: Because knowledge is powder!
-
#BadJoke328
Q: Why did the ghosts quit studying?
A: Because they were too ghoul for school.
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#BadJoke329
Q: What do you call an elf on the shelf who just won the lottery?
A: Welfy
(and the meme I got it from)
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/265988210_5255962237751771_7517253198755760130_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=_TbQ0WH-O8QAX8in65g&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=00_AT8xZ9aI4A5_ikpiahzDMc2Y7tRZ8u_woiHJDP_D8fpIgQ&oe=61BE36D8)
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#BadJoke330
Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: To get to the bottom!
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Chaun's wife asks him the name of the horse he bet on at the track, he said free spirit. She said ah that explains the horse just wandering about the track instead of racing.
-
#BadJoke331
Q: When did the calendars fall in love?
A: On January 1st -- their very first date.
-
#BadJoke332
Q: Why didn't the narwhal invite the unicorn to his birthday party?
A: He wanted to keep it real.
-
#BadJoke333
Q: Why are zombies so curious?
A: They like to bick brains
-
#BadJoke334
Q: Why did Eeyore cross the road?
A: To get to the other "sigh."
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Chauncy tells the bar keep he is broke and does not know what to do. The keep says well, you won't find an answer in that pint. Chauncy says maybe or maybe not but I will have fun trying.
-
#BadJoke335
Q: Why don't jack-o'-lanterns play poker with pumpkins?
A: It's impossible to read their faces.
-
#BadJoke336
Q: Why do raccoons eat out of trashcans?
A: 'Cause they can't tip over a supermarket.
-
#BAdJoke337
Q: What did the cocktail say to the swizzle stick?
A: "You stir something inside me."
-
#BadJoke338
Q: What position does Kool-Aid Man play in baseball?
A: Relief pitcher. Oh yeah!
-
Chauncy's wife tells him her mum is having some work done on her house and needs a place to stay for a while. Chauncy says I will borrow a tent from sean she can set it up in her yard until the work is done.
-
#BadJoke339
Q: Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
A: Because it was on a roll!
-
#BadJoke340
Q: Why did the broth taste funny?
A: It was a laughing stock!
-
#BadJoke341
Q: How did the hot chocolate get a car loan?
A: His mom had to cocoa-sign.
-
#BadJoke342
Q!: Why aren't windows good liars?
A: Because you can see right through them!
-
#BadJoke343
Q: What did the therapist tell the jar of jam?
A: If you'd only open up, people would find you berry nice.
-
#BadJoke344
Q: What do you call a dragon with heartburn?
A: Bad news for the nearest village!
-
#BadJoke345
Q: How many ninjas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whoa -- it's already been changed!
-
#BadJoke346
Q: What do you call an ugly sweater on the world's cutest dog?
A: Pugly!
-
#BadJoke347
Q: What's Yoda's favorite dinosaur?
A: The do ceratops. There is no tri.
-
#BadJoke348
Q: What happens when Dwayne Johnson and a pig give you a hug?
A: You're stuck between The Rock and a lard place.
-
#BadJoke349
Q: How many siblings does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. By the time they stop fighting about it, you'll have already changed it yourself!
-
#BadJoke350
Q: How do cats celebrate autumn?
A: With a Pumpkin Mice Latte.
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Chauncy's wife asks him if he ever thought of becoming a constable. He says why would I want to do that? She says you spend every night at the station, may as well get paid for it.
-
#BadJoke351
Q: What kind of dogs listen to punk rock?
A: Hard-corgis.
-
#BadJoke352
Q: Who was the sweetest Knight of the Round Table?
A: Sir Up.
-
Chauncy's mother in law told him he had better shape up or she would take him out of her will. He said no problem, I do not need a used cauldron, pointed hat, and broomstick anyway.
-
#BadJoke353
Q: Why did the ghost cross the road?
A: Because it was a poultry-geist!
-
#BadJoke354
Q: What did the basketball say to his therapist?
A: “I feel empty inside.”
-
#BadJoke355
Q: Why did the cat stop playing basketball?
A: He threw up too many hair balls!
-
#BadJoke356
Q: What do you call little dogs fighting over a chew toy?
A: A pug of war!
-
Sean and chaincy notice the city has started a new initiative to mark important places such as homes of local celebrities and the like to entice tourists to come to the town. Chauncy says, I am a local celebrity, why are there no plaques about me? Sean says oh there are many, they all say chauncy was arrested here.
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#BadJoke357
Q: Why can't you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?
A: Because they always take things, literally.
-
#Badjoke358
Q: What do you say when you bump into a unicorn at a party?
A: Ouch!
-
#Badjoke359
Q: Why was the car running on fumes?
A: Because it kept passing gas!
-
#BadJoke360
Q: Why do pirates make great singers?
A: Because they love to hit the high Cs.
-
#BadJoke361
Q: What kind of bicycle does a toad ride?
A: I haven't the froggiest idea!
-
#BadJoke362
Q: What made Van Gogh such a good friend?
A: He was willing to lend an ear.
-
Sean comes in and says he has had a run of bad luck today, he lost at the races, was late for work, and is short on money. He then says but there is that 20 you owe me. Chauncy says you know, you are right, you are having a run of bad luck and leaves.
-
#BadJoke363
Q: What do you call a pig who tells jokes?
A: A shtick in the mud!
-
#BadJoke364
Q: How did the zombie clog the toilet?
A: With a brain dump!
-
#BadJoke365
Q: How did the lion greet the zebra?
A: "Very nice to eat you!"
-
#BadJoke366
Q: How did the zombie lower his cholesterol?
A: He changed his diet to strictly vegetarians.
-
#BadJoke367
Q: Why don't squash balls drink coffee?
A: Because they're already bouncing off the walls.
-
#BadJoke368
Q: How does Frosty the Snowman get around the neighborhood?
A: On his ice-icle.
-
Chauncy tells his wife her mum reminds him of a roller coaster. She says, oh, exciting and thrilling? He says no, causes nausea.
-
#BadJoke369
Q: Why did the apple get sent to jail?
A: He was rotten to the core.
-
#BadJoke370
Q: Why was Cinderella wandering around the pumpkin patch?
A: She was in the market for a new ride.
-
#BadJoke371
Q: How many meteorologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Today there's a 70% chance of one.
-
#BadJoke372
Q: What's a nose's favorite sport?
A: Well, it's snot running.
-
Chauncy's wife says her mum is taking up water aerobics. Chauncy says tell her not to jump in the pool or the resulting tidal wave will leave it empty.
-
#BadJoke273
Q: Why did the yoga instructor buy air freshener?
A: The feet index was rising.
-
BadJoke274
Q: Where do scuba instructors go to catch a movie?
A: A dive in theater!
-
Chauncy's wife says her mum is coming over for dinner and he had best behave while she is there. He said no worries, you wont here a thing from me. She says good. He says if you need ne. I will be in the pub until shes gone.
-
#BadJoke275
Q: Why’d the dandelion take up gymnastics?
A: To be a tumbleweed.
-
#BadJoke276
Q: What's the best part about llamas doing improv?
A: The spit takes!
-
#BadJoke277
Q: What do you get when you cross a banana with geometry?
A: A slippery slope!
-
#BadJoke278
Q: What do pro wrestlers eat for lunch?
A: A Hulk Hoagie.
-
The barkeep tells chauncy they have added a veggie burger to the menu which has no meat at all. Chauncy says so what is the difference between that and your regular burger, I have yet to find any meat on it either.
-
#BadJoke279
Q: Why can't you make a dinosaur omelet?
A: Because they're eggstinct!
-
#BadJoke280
Q: Why did the snowplows ask for a raise?
A: Because they're just scraping by.
-
Chauncy tells sean, you know, here we are having fun at the pub while our wives are at home. I have an idea, let's take some pictures of the fun we are having and send them to our wives so they can share in our fun.
-
#BadJoke281
Q: What do you call an elephant who can do many things at once?
A: A multi-tusker.
-
#BadJoke282
Q: What do Keanu Reeves and Baby Yoda have in common?
A: They age at the same rate.
-
Chauncy tells the barkeep he and his wife had a tiff about her cooking. He had told her the sausages were burned and he would not eat them. The barkeep said well what did she say? Chauncy said, she did not say a word but the way she stuffed a sausage up my nose spoke volumes.
-
#BadJoke283
Q: What's a princess's favorite hot dog topping?
A: Cinder-relish!
-
#BadJoke284
Q: What can one parrot do?
A: Not as much as toucan!
-
Chauncy is coming out of the race track looking upset. The pastor sees him and says I see you lost again but you know money cannot make you happy. Chauncy says no but it can buy me a pint at the pub which will make me happy.
-
#BadJoke285
Q: Why did the baked potato cross the road?
A: To get to the other chives!
-
#BadJoke286
Q: Why did the whale cross the ocean?
A: To get to the other tide!
-
Chauncy tells his wife there are many ways of expressing affection. Some use flowers, others chocolate or cards. She says that may be but you starting the lawn mower for me and expecting me to mow the lawn is not one of them.
-
#BadJoke287
Q: When does a hippo have a tusk?
A: After some rhinoplasty.
-
#BadJoke288
Q: What do you call a skidmark that won't come out?
A: Undie turd.
-
#BadJoke289
Q: How do you scare a panda?
A: With some bam boo!
-
#BadJoke290
Q: Why did the birds prefer to sleep on memory foam?
A: They were no spring chickens.
-
Chauncy returns from a trip to London. He saus ot took his breath away. Sean asked what did you find so astounding there, the palace, the abbey or what? Chauncy says the outrageous price of a pint in their pubs.
-
#BadJoke291
Q: What do you call a frog that hops into a pot of gold?
A: A leap-rechaun! ribbit!
-
#BadJoke292
Q: What happens if you cover a tennis racket in ice cream?
A: You get soft serve!
-
The barkeep asks chauncy how his wife is as she had just gotten over the flu. Chauncy said the bug is gone but she is still a fair bit weak, she had to keep taking rest breaks while I watched her do the house cleaning today.
-
#BadJoke293
Q: What did the pecan tree say to the psychiatrist?
A: I think I'm growing nuts.
-
#BadJoke294
Q: How did the parasite end every email?
A: Worm regards.
-
#BadJoke295
What's a ninQ: ja's favorite section in the bookstore?
A: Stealth Help.
-
#BadJoke296
Q: What did the coffee say to the cream?
A: "It's hard for me to espresso myself, but I really love you a latte."
-
A guy comes running into the pub and says there you are chauncy, are you going to pay me what you owe or am I going to have to keep chasing you? Chauncy take off out the other door. The barkeep says you should not have given him that choice.
-
#BadJoke297
Q: Why did the person cross the road?
A: Because they'd been hypnotized into thinking they were a chicken.
-
#BadJoke298
Q: What song always gets chickens dancing at a wedding?
A: The Y-Hen-C-A!
-
#Badjoke299
Q: How do English teachers get married?
A: They exchange vowels.
-
#BadJoke300
Q: How do you evade someone who's trying to steal your barbecue?
A: Kebob and weave!
-
The phone rings at the pub. Chauncy tells the barkeep if that is my wife, tell her I was not here tonight. He does so. Chauncy says whst did she want? The barkeep says she ssid for you to turn around so she can show you her new smart phone as she is right behind you.
-
#BadJoke301
Q: How did the pumpkin become a social media influencer?
A: Well, they started by getting big on Vine.
-
#BadJoke302
Q: What's the opposite of irony?
A: Wrinkly.
-
Chauncy's wife comes home from work and looks on the couch but does not see him napping in his usual spot. She looks all over the house for him, finally finding him in their bed. She says you are in bed early tonight. He says, who says I ever got up.
-
#BadJoke303
Q: What day do the cows come home?
A: Moos Day!
-
#BadJoke304
Q: How did the meeting go between the cat and the couch?
A: Cataclawsmic!
-
Chauncy's mother in law says you have offended me for the last time, I am leaving and not coming back here again. You will need me soon and not know what to do without me about. Chauncy says I know what I will do now though, close the door behind you and celebrate.
-
Chauncy and his wife are playing scrabble. His wife says look if you do not want to play scrabble and prefer to go out, that isbok. He says what makes you think that? She says your choices of words for the game and letsgotothepub is not one word by the way.
-
The pastor sees chauncy walking down the street in a right hurry and asks where he is off to. Chauncy says, you know the old theatre that they just redid and is now having a production of the barber of seville? The pastor says why yes, though I never thought that to be your type of thing. Chauncy says oh, it isn't but right behind it is a betting hall and dashes off.
-
Chauncy says his mother in law got mad at him for giving her a gift. His wife says what did you give her? He says a barrel of wrinkle remover with a note that more could be given if that was not enough for the week.
-
The bank manager tells chauncy he has reviewed chauncy's loan application and is happy to offer him a choice. Chauncy asks what the choice is. The manager says, leave or have security throw you out.
-
During karaoke night, the worst singer is up, as he comes to the mic, he says, you know music can transport one to another place. Chauncy says you are right as your singing transports us all to another pub as he leaves.
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#BadJoke305
Q: What's the name of the knight who started a food delivery app?
A: Sir Charge.
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#BadJoke306
Q: What do you call a starship with student loan debt?
A: The Millennial Falcon.
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#BadJoke307
Q: How do mountains stay warm?
A: They put on their snow caps
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#BadJoke308
Q: What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
A: Where's popcorn?
-
#BadJoke309
Q: What do you call it when a billboard almost falls on you?
A: A really bad sign.
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#BadJoke310
Q: Why did the chef refuse to crack an egg?
A: He didn't want to whisk it.
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Chauncy got ejected from the pub. He asks the bouncer how it feels to throw out a fine upstanding citizen. The bouncer says if I ever do so, I will let you know but for now, I am throwing you out.
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#BadJoke311
Q: What do you call a pretty pig?
A: Ham-some!
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#BadJoke312
Q: What did people do before sandpaper was invented?
A: They just roughed it.
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Chauncy's wife tells him her mum is on a diet and has already lost 10 lbs. Chsuncy says for her weight, that is like getting $10 off on a new ferrari.
-
#BadJoke313
Q: What did the tea plant say when the farmer gave it some water?
A: "Matcha 'bliged"!
-
#BadJoke314
Q: What did Homer Simpson say when he bumped into a pecan tree?
A: "d'oh! Nuts!"
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Chauncy was found guilty of public intoxication and disorderly behaviour. The magistrate says that will be 10 days or $100 which do to choose? Chauncy says, I will take the $100 can I get that in all 20s please?
-
BadJoke315
Q: Why did the man quit his job recycling shoes?
A: It was sole-crushing!
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#BadJoke316
Q: Why did the whale cross the ocean?
A: To get to the other tide!
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Chauncy asks the barkeep to call his wife and hand him the phone so he can tell her he is out searching for a job. He hears his wife say so you are at the pub again eh? Chaumcy says to the barkeep wow, I did not even see you dial the number. The barkeep says I didnt look behind you.
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#BadJoke317
Q: Why does the fisherman listen to Cardi B?
A: Her songs have a great hook!
-
#BadJoke318
Q: What vegetable always gets burned?
A: Chard!
-
#BadJoke319
Q: What's a zombie's favorite weather?
A: Cloudy - with a chance of brain.
-
#BadJoke320
Q: Why did Mozart rush to the bathroom?
A: To conduct his next movement.
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Chauncy gets picked up by the constable. As he is hauling him off, Chauncy notices they are heading away from the station and says where are you taking me. The constable says the cells are full tonight, and as you never seem to learn from being there anyway, the sgt. thought it would be better if I take you home to your wife to deal with you. Chauncy says surely the cells are not that full and you could find me a place there instead of taking me home as the constable tosses him into his home where his wife is waiting for him.
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Sean is saying he does not understand fantasy books like harry potter or their appeal. The barkeep says well you need to have an open mind about things like magic to understand such books or stories. Sean says oh you mean like chauncy paying his debts. The barkeep says that would not be magic that would be a miracle.
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#BadJoke321
Q: Which fish is the most sarcastic?
A: The Great White Snark!
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#BsdJoke322
Q: What do you call an X-wing pilot who does too many barrel rolls?
A: Puke Skywalker.
-
#BadJoke323
Q: Who's the scariest bodybuilder of all time?
A: Dr. Frankenstein.
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#BadJoke324
Q: Why did the broth taste funny?
A: It was a laughing stock!
-
Chauncy notices the pastor following him about. He turns and asks why he is being followed. The pastor says I was at a loss for a sermon idea for this week so I decided to follow you knowing doing so would give me some ideas on what to preach about but I now have a month's worth.
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#BadJoke325
Q: What do you call a short fortune-teller who's hiding from the police?
A: A small medium at large.
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#BadJoke326
Q: What do you call a baseball player who chews sunflower seeds?
A: The designated spitter.
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Chauncy wakes up from his nap and says his wife wanted him to mow the grass before she got home at 5. Chauncy looks at the clock and says hmm 3 o'clock, that gives me another hour to nap and an hour to come up with an excuse for the lawn before she gets home and goes back to sleep.
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The manager at the employment office asks chauncy when he last had a job. Chauncy said does my paper route as a teen count?
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#BadJoke327
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: Because it was playing chicken!
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#Badjoke328
Q: What did the turkey say to the farmer?
A: "Why isn't there anything on my calendar after November?"
-
#BadJoke329
Q: What happens when bakers lose control of their mixers?
A: Their funnel cake becomes a tornado.
-
#BadJoke330
Q: Why does a baby deer follow its mother?
A: Because it's so fawn-ed of her.
-
Chauncy tells sean he has a problem. His wife got him a new smart phone, it has internet access, takes good pictures, texts, clear calls. Sean says that all sounds great what is the problem? Chauncy says I have no idea how to turn it on.
-
#BadJoke331
Q: What’s the hairiest day of the week?
A: Furs Day!
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#BadJoke332
Q: What do you get when you cross a broken ice cream truck with impressionist art?
A: Van Goo.
-
Chauncy's wife says don't forget my mum is coming to dinner tonight. Chauncy says I haven't forgotten, I nailed the front door shut and ordered an uber to meet me at the back door.
-
Chauncy's wife comes home complaining about the bad day she had at work. Chauncy says wow is it that late already, perhaps you could make us something to eat before I have to go to the pub? When he gets to the pub, chauncy says wow, I did not know she knew such words, some of them, I did not even know.
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#BadJoke333
Q: Why did the dragon cross the road?
A: To buy a lair freshener.
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#BadJoke334
Q: Why couldn't the cat resist opening Pandora's box?
A: It was cardboard.
-
Chauncy said I nearly got arrested for making money. Sean says how can you get arrested for making money. Chauncy says nearly arrested had I not ran out of ink before the notes were complete Inwould have been in the cells.
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Chauncuy enters the pub with a bandage on his head. The keep asks him what happened. Chauncy says his wife was in the kitchen when he told he to bring him a beer. She replied and what do you say when you ask me to do something. Chauncy then says apparently right now was not the correct answer.
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#BadJoke339
Q: What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to the cowboy?
A: May the horse be with you.
-
#BadJoke340
Q: What do witches get when their shoes are too tight?
A: Candy corns.
-
#BadJoke341
Q: What did the computer mouse say to the keyboard?
A: You're just my type!
-
#BadJoke342
Q: Why did the baked potato cross the road?
A: To get to the other chives!
-
The barkeep tells chauncy I really do not think you need another pint, you are already laying on the floor as is. Chauncy says stop talking, put a funnel in my mouth and pour.
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#BadJoke343
Q: What do you get when you put a duck in a cement mixer?
A: Quacks in the pavement
(and the meme I got the joke from)
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/p526x296/272158061_5406115362736457_7114914239173916511_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=lxoQ4juUlbYAX_hWMnv&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=00_AT98_6HHMt7eokTo5lx-_y2O_ov7tbmMCRei6wROMOBHkw&oe=61F52E32)
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#BadJoke344
Q: Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
A: It knew there was S'more to life!
-
#BadJoke345
Q: What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?
A: "Look -- no hands!"
-
#BadJoke346
Q: What do you get when you pur rice in a blender?
A: rice cream
-
#BadJoke347
Q: What do you call chimpanzees who share an Amazon account?
A: Prime-mates
-
#BadJoke348
Q: What do you call a grizzly without any teeth?
A: A gummy bear!
-
#BadJoke349
Q: What does garlic do when it gets hot?
A: It tyakes its cloves off
(the meme I got it from)
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/p526x296/272312568_5424728814208445_464462443296029344_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=-KA3_Oac5agAX8fb7sA&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=00_AT9ffNXdnDmjUmiiPuDVGTJXdugoz9nZf3BSQ8qdTjlcZA&oe=61F58099)
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#BadJoke350
Q: Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A: Mali-boo!
-
The judge asks chauncy if he has any thing he is sorry for. Chauncy says yes, I am sorry I was caught.
-
#BadJoke351
Q: What did the DJ say to the vegetable farmer?
A: Lettuce turnip the beet!
-
#BadJoke352
Q: Why did the moose go to her family reunion?
A: To see her uncles and auntlers.
-
As the constable is bringing chauncy in, the sgt asks what he is in for. The constable says fighting. The sgt asks who was he fighting with? The constable pulls out a list and says the barkeep the bouncers the karaoke singer the oastor three waiters four patrons of the bar.... the sgt finally says enough just put him in a cell and make out the report.
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#BadJoke353
Q: What do you call a ninja dinosaur?
A: A Uneversaurus
-
#BqadJoke354
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They actually prefer dark mode.
-
#BadJoke355
Q: What do you call a Hobbit wearing a gold chain?
A: Lord of the Blings!
-
#BadJoke356
Q: Why didn't the penguin trust the flight instructor?
A: He was a real dodo!
-
The worst karaoke singer is walking past chauncy. Chauncy asks where he is headed in such a hurry. The singer says to a singing lesson. Chauncy says it is about time you learned to sing. He replies and says I am the one giving the lesson.
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Chauncy asks the loan officer for a $100 loan. The loan officer asks what the loan is for. Chauncy says a dire emergency. The loan officer asks which race is he running in. Chauncy, without thinking says the 4th. The loan officer has chauncy chucked out of the bank.
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Chauncy's wife says the trash bin needs to go out. Chauncy replies ok, I will take my nap while you tend to it. She says it is the large, heavy bin and I just got home from work. He says so catch your breath from the walk home before you put the bin out. She says you have no idea about how to take a hint do you? He says well, I do know how to take a nap. She says it may be your last nap.
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Chauncy says look at what they are achieving with cloning these days. Imagine what I could do if there were a couple clones of me. His wife says yes, you could be napping on the bed, on the sofa, and drinking in the pub all at the same time.
-
#BadJoke357
Q: What did one octopus say to the other?
A: "Let's hold hands and hands and hands and hands and hands and hands and hands and hands!"
-
#BadJoke358
Q: What did the bus driver say to the chatty chimpanzee?
A: If monkey talks, then monkey walks.
-
#Badjoke359
Q: How did the potato become an influencer?
A: It's a You Tuber!
-
#BadJoke360
Q: Why didn't the zombie eat the mannequin?
A: It was a no-brainer.
-
#BadJoke361
Q: What’s the sweetest day of the week?
A: Ice cream Sunday!
-
#BadJoke362
Q: How do you scare a panda?
A: With some bam boo!
-
#BadJoke363
Q: Why was the eagle self-conscious?
A: It was Bald.
-
#BadJoke364
Q: Why was the egg sent to the principal's office?
A: It cracked too many yolks.
-
#BadJoke365
Q: Why didn't the penguin trust the flight instructor?
A: He was a real dodo!
-
#BadJoke366
Q: What do you call a Hobbit wearing a gold chain?
A: Lord of the Blings!
-
Chauncy's wife says she is supposed to meet her mother for dinner but forgot where they were to meet. Chauncy says no problem, just go to her house and follow the black cloud.
-
As the constable is hauling chauncy off, he said I have lost count of how many times I have arrested you for brawling in the pub. Chauncy said thst there is a shame. The constable replied it sure is. Then chauncy said being a cop and all would think you would have a better memory than that.
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The barkeep asks chauncy, dont you get tired of standing in here at the bar all the time? I mean isnt there something else you could do differently? Chauncy says you know, you are right, today I will sit at the table by the bar.
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#BadJoke367
Q: What kind of weather do cupcakes like?
A: Sprinkles!
-
#BadJoke368
Q: Why did the cat cross the road?
A: Because the chicken had a laser pointer!
-
Chauncy comes home 30 minutes late from a simple trip to the store for milk for his wife. She asks what took so long? He replies well, I saw your mum walking home from doing her marketing struggling with all her bags and had to hide until she was out of sight so she would not try to get me to help her.
-
#BadJoke369
Q: What’s a doughnut’s favorite day of the week?
A: Fry day!
-
#BadJoke370
Q: What's worse than an insult from a leprechaun?
A: Getting burned by a dragon!
-
The pastor sees chauncy rather banged up and says so you were fighting again were you? Chauncy says why no, I was simply helping someone out. The pastor says oh really? Sean says yes, he was helping someone out of the pub through the window.
-
#BadJoke371
Q: Why was the calendar crying?
A: Because it was a Sadder Day!
-
#BadJoke372
Q: Why are mushrooms such great entertainers?
A: Because they're fungis!
-
The barkeep tells chauncy that he has noticed that women are usually better at multitasking than men. Chauncy says well in the case of my mother in law, I would have to agree, she can be loud, insulting, annoying, and wrong all at the same time.
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#BadJoke373
q: What's a gardener's favorite crime show?
a: Lawn and order.
-
#BadJoke374
Q: Why can't you hear a cow on a video call?
A: It keeps getting moo ted.
-
#BadJoke375
Q: Why did the birds prefer to sleep on memory foam?
A: They were no spring chickens.
-
#Badjoke376
Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog, because it croaks every night
-
Chauncy enters the pub with a large bump on his head. The keep asked him what happened. Chauncy said his wife came home exhausted carrying several grocery bags. Chauncy said he told her next time she should make two trips from the house to the store instead of trying to carry it all in one. The keep said what did she say to that. Chauncy said nothing, she just chucked a can of soup at my head.
-
#BadJoke377
Q: What's the worst day of the week?
A: Moan Day!
-
#BadJoke378
Q: How do you count a shark's teeth?
A: Not by hand!
-
#BadJoke379
Q: How is a private eye like the dry cleaners?
A: They both do other people's dirty work.
-
#BadJoke370
Q: How is the moon like a teenager?
A: It's always going through a phase.
-
The loan officer tells chauncy yes, we do give loans to start a business, however freelance beer taster is not a recognized business.
-
Chauncy actually got a job as a dog walker. The problem was all of the dogs he was to walk lived on the street that led to the pub. On his first and last day of the job someone came into the pub and asked why there were ten dogs leashed to the lamp post outside.
-
#BadJoke371
Q: Why don't you find all-you-can-eat restaurants on piers?
A: 'Cause fishermen wharf it all down.
-
#BadJoke372
Q: What happens if your computer accepts too many cookies?
A: It has to take a data dump.
-
#BadJoke373
Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
A: Deep pan crisp and even!
-
#BadJoke374
Q: Why do bees make great poets?
A: Because they can wax lyrically.
-
#BadJoke375
Q: Why did the crocodile cross the road?
A: To live in 'da Nile.
-
#Badjoke376
Q: What did the owl say to his therapist?
A: Who who am I?
-
The bar keep tells chauncy the simpsons marriage only lasted 2 weeks. Sean says that's a shame that is. Chauncy says ues it is a shame, I lost a bet on them, I bet they would last 3 weeks.
-
#BadJoke377
Q: What do you call firefighters who become influencers?
A: Stop, drop, and roll models.
-
#BadJoke378
Q: Why was the ladder unlucky in love?
A: It was always being stood up.
-
Chauncy's wife tells him that her mum is studying martial arts. Chauncy says I didn't know nagging was a martial art.
-
#BadJoke379
Q: Who's the spiciest singer?
A: Celine Dijon!
-
#BadJoke380
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling misthunderstood.
-
Chauncy is in front of the judge for drunk and disorderly again. He is being sworn in. Upon saying I do to swearing to tell the truth, he says that robe makes the judge look fat.
-
#BadJoke381
Q: Why did the optimist fall in love with the pessimist?
A: Because he was a real Catch 22!
-
#BadJoke382
Q: What did Earth say to Mars?
A: "You really need to get a life."
-
During his check up, the doctor asks chauncy if he is getting his five a day. Chauncy says yes, at least that much and more depending on who is buying. The doctor says, I am talking about fruits and vegetables not pints in the pub.
-
#BadJoke383
Q: Why do ghosts make great mascots?
A: They have the most school spirit.
-
#BadJoke384
Q: What kind of socks does a pirate wear?
A: arr-gyle!
-
While at his mother in laws house, chauncy's wife grabs him and says we need to go now. Chauncy said what, all I did was compliment your mother by saying her hair and make up made her look like a woman in the movies. His wife replied yes, but then you said bride of frakenstein.
-
#Badjoke385
Why did the french fries cross the road?Q:
A: They were trying to ketchup to the chicken!
-
#BadJoke386
Q: What do you get when you combine a baseball field with a golf course?
A: A diamond in the rough!
-
Chauncy's wife comes home tired from work. Chauncy says don't bother cooking as you are tired, just make a couple of sandwiches for me and whatever you want for yourself.
-
#BadJoke287
Q: Why can't you have an all-chicken football team?
A: There'd be way too many fowls!
-
#BadJoke288
Q: Why was everyone laughing at the farmer's outfit?
A: Because he was wearing a hardy harvest.
-
#BadJoke289
Q: What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine's Day?
A: I love you watts and watts
-
#BadJoke290
Q: Why did the baby carrot go to the doctor?
A: Because he was peeling funny
-
Chauncy tells the barkeep he tried to make dinner for his wife and all she did was complain. The keep said so what did you do? Chauncy replied, I put the corn flakes and milk back where I found them.
-
#BadJoke291
Q: Why can't you trust a softball pitcher?
A: They're underhanded.
-
#BadJoke292
Q: What do you call a snail that likes to hike?
A: A trail-glazer.
-
Chauncy tells his wife he never knows what to call her mother, using her first name is too informal, mother in law is too long, and her last name would be too formal. His wife says and yet you calling her satan's sister is acceptable?
-
#Badjoke292
Q: Why didn't the lawn mower win the election?
A: They were defeated by a grassroots campaign.
-
#BadJoke294
Q: Why are coffee beans such troublemakers?
A: They always end up in hot water.
-
Chauncy tells his wife that her mum is at the door. She says, tells her I will be right there and ready to go. Chauncy tells his mother in law that his wofe ways to wsrm up her broom and prepare to fly in a few minutes.
-
#Badjoke295
Q: Why are zombies never surprised?
A: They're always looking around coroners.
-
#BadJoke296
Q: What do you call it when bumblebees line up for a drink?
A: Bar bee queuing.
-
As chauncy is ordering a pint in the pub, the barkeep asks him what is with the funny whistling sound you keep making? Chauncy says oh, that, well, my wife does not losing games like monopoly to me. The keep says what has that to do with the whistling sound? Chauncy says I have a silver car stuck in my nose.
-
#BadJoke297
Q: Why did Johnny Appleseed cross the road?
A: To get to the other cider!
-
#BadJoke298
Q: Why do primates make great athletes?
A: They're born chimpions!
-
Chauncy is staring intently at the newspaper. Sean says you must be reviewing the footbal scores. Chauncy says I do have other interests besides football you know. Sean says ah then it must be the horse races.
-
Chauncy tells the bar keep he put a note in a bottle with his name and contact information on it and threw it into the ocean when he was young and he finally heard back about it. The keep says that is impressive. Chauncy says not really, it was a fine for littering.
-
#BadJoke299
Q: What did the vegetarian order at the steakhouse?
A: The filet melon.
-
#BadJoke300
Q: Why do meteors take cold showers when they get home?
A: They're always burning up on entry!
-
There was a heavy snow. The barkeep is about ti close easrly thinking no one would venture out in that weather. He looks out the window and sees chauncy headed his way and only asks him one question when did you get a dog sled and husky team?
-
#BadJoke301
Q: How do bumblebees sign their emails?
A: Swarm regards.
-
#BadJoke302
Q: Why did the fish migrate to the cloud?
A: To scale up.
-
Sean asks chauncy if the new microwave changed anything with his wife's cooking. Chauncy says yes, now she can burn food in seconds instead of 30 to 60 minutes.
-
#BadJoke303
Q: What is the nicest day of the week?
A: Friends Day
-
#BadJoke304
Q: What is something you can't smell until it's broken?
A: Wind
-
#BadJoke305
Q: What's a librarian's favborite mushroom?
A: Shhh-take
-
#BadJoke206
Q: What did the cat on the smartphone say?
A: "Can you hear meow?"
-
Chauncy applies for a student loan. They ask him what he plans to study. He replied animal movenent. The loan was approved until he mentioned horse racing.
-
#BadJoke307
Q: Why couldn't the basketball stay in a relationship?
A: It was always on the rebound!
-
#BadJoke308
Q: Why was the eagle self-conscious?
A: It was Bald.
-
Chauncy shows up at the pub with a lump on his head. The keep asks him what happened. Chauncy said his wife said she felt like she was in 4th place in his life behind the pub, pool and darts. Chauncy said I made the mistake of saying what about gambling as she was holding a frying pan.
-
#BadJoke309
Q: What's a ninja's favorite section in the bookstore?
A: Stealth Help.
-
#BadJoke310
Q: What was baby bananas first word?
A: Yello!
-
Chauncy's mother in law is singing karaoke at the pub. Chauncy says I habe never heard so many wrong notes sung so loud in one place she has set a new record.
-
#BadJoke311
Q: Where does a rat go for a toothache?
A: To the rodentist!
-
#BadJoke312
Q: What can one parrot do?
A: Not as much as toucan!
-
Chauncy and his wife are coming out of the movies. Chauncy says the special effects in movies today are so realistic, I could swear that robot's red laser was headed straight for us. His wife says that was the usher's flashlight when he came to tell you to pipe down as you were making too much noise.
-
#BadJoke313
Q: Why don't fish ever skip school?
A: They might get caught.
-
#BadJoke314
Q: Why didn't the virtual date go well?
A: It was a bad connection.
-
The barkeep tells chauncy the pub is to be redecorated and will be shut for five days. Chauncy says you know this is my home away from home how can you take my home away? I know, I can sit quietly in a corner of the beer cellar while the work is being done. The keep says not on your life I would not have any left to open with afterward.
-
#BadJoke315
Q: Why did NASA launch a burrito into space?
A: To intercept the flying salsa.
-
#BadJoke316
Q: Who won the race of princesses?
A: Rapunzel. By a hair!
-
Chauncy's wife comes in complaining about their debts and how to save up to pay the bills. She says she can cut back on playing bingo and going to the beauty salon. Chauncy says great that leaves more money for me to go to the pub.
-
#BadJoke317
Q: Why did the man quit his job recycling shoes?
A: It was sole-crushing!
-
#BadJoke318
Q: Why does Baby Yoda need a nightlight?
A: To light the path away from the dark side -- and also to the potty.
-
Chauncy's wife says I got my mum the perfect birthday gift, a gift certificate for a full day at the beauty salon. Chauncy says only one day, it would take a month to make a dent in her looks.
-
#BadJoke319
Q: Why couldn't the python cross the road?
A: He'd just swallowed the chicken!
-
#BadJoke320
Q: What did the tortilla chip say to the cheese?
A: "It's nacho business."
-
Chauncy comes away from the bookie with a rare win. He says now I will head home, see my wife, and nake sure not to mention this money then hide it from her before she does something silly like putting it in the bank.
-
#BadJoke321
Q: What did the ping pong ball say when the golf ball smiled?
A: Nice dimples.
-
#BadJoke322
Q: How do we know the universe is expanding?
A: The asteroid belt is running out of notches.
-
Sean just got a new smart phone. He is demonstrating it to chauncy and says it can answer any question, watch. He then asks the phone when was the last time chauncy bought a round at the pub, the phone responded with no data available for chauncy buying a round.
-
#BsdJoke323
Q: Why did the pharmaceutical cross the road?
A: To get to the other side-effect.
-
#Badjoke324
Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A: One is very heavy; the other's a little lighter.
-
#BadJoke325
Q: How many sheep does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, two, three, four, five, good night.
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#BadJoke326
Q: What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
A: Anything you want. It can't hear you!
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Chauncy's mother in law arrives late for a night out with her daughter. She apologizes and says she just spent two hours at the beauty parlour. Chauncy's wife asks what could they do that took that long. Chauncy says it would take that long just to evaluate if they can help her or not and how many weeks it will take.
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#BadJoke327
Q: What do you call an argument between egg-laying mammals?
A: A platypus spatypus!
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#BadJoke328
Q: Why does Hamlet take so long in the bathroom?
A: He can't decide: to pee, or not to pee.
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Chauncy tells the bar keep he is worried about sean going to London for the weekend. The keep says why, afraid he will get hurt or mugged? Chauncy says its not that, but things in London are so expensive, I fear he will not have enough to buy my pints when he returns.
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#BadJoke329
Q: Why did the swimmer throw all his gear into the water?
A: His accountant told him to pool his resources!
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#BadJoke330
Q: What keeps a sheep up at night?
A: A velcro fence.
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The barkeep notices a bandage on chauncy's finger and asks what happened. Chauncy says I was minding my own business, picking up some money when my wife suddenly snapped her purse shut my hand still inside.
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#BadJoke331
Q: Why did the crowd boo the high diver?
A: His performance was a flop.
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#BadJoke332
Q: What's the tastiest part of a squirrel's house?
A: The wall-nuts!
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Chauncy, his wife, and sean are at the track. Sean is bragging about how clearly his new binoculars let him see the finish line. He then says but for some reason, I cannot see your horse approaching it. Chauncy's wife says try looking by the start line as it hasnt moved since the race started.
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#BadJoke333
Q: What did the maple tree say when it got tired?
A: I'm all tapped out!
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#BadJoke334
Q: Why are low carb diets so controversial?
A: They go against the grain.
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While he was in the army, chauncy's commanding officer felt he was a lazy untalented recruit until he assigned him to the radio room which he was amazed to see chauncy taking well to the task until he discovered chauncy was using the radio to listen to the race results.
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#BadJoke335
Q: How many goats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. But you have to goat them into it!
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#BadJoke336
Q: What did the candy bar say to his therapist?
A: Sometimes I feel like a nut. Sometimes I don't.
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Chauncy saus his wife has started to nag about things he hasn't even done. Sean says how can she nag you about something you haven't done? Chauncy says that is my question when she says you haven't done the dishes, you haven't taken out the trash....
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#BadJoke337
Q: How do you turn a mosquito into a fruit?
A: You squash it!
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#BadJoke338
Q: How many nannies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Light bulbs don't wear diapers!
-
#BadJoke339
Q: Where does Sir Lancelot go to party?
A: A Knight Club
-
#BadJoke340
Q: Why couldn't the computer take its hat off?
A: Because its caps lock was on
-
#BadJoke341
Q: What happens if you rub ketchup in your eye
A: You have heinzsight
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#BadJoke342
Q: What is a vampire's favorite ship?
A: A blood vessel
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Chauncy notices the bank has a new name and decides he could get a loan as they do not know him. Upon filing his application, the computer has a break down laughing at chauncy's credit history.
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#BadJoke343
Q: Why wouldn't the electrician rewire the house?
A: He thought it was re-volting.
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#BadJoke344
Q: What do you say when someone asks to borrow a lemon?
A: "Be my zest."
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Chauncy comes home early stating he had been tossed from the pub for breaking a window. His wife said I am sure it was an accident. What broke it? Chauncy says tossing the bouncer through it during a scrap.
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#BadJoke345
Q: Why did the mechanic visit the farm?
A: He heard there was a bumper crop.
-
#BadJoke346
Q: What do you get when you combine Star Wars with baseball?
A: The Empire Strikes Out!
-
Chauncy is heard yelling from the back of the bar ok fellow, its your round you need to pay, well have you nothing to say for yourself. The bar keep looks to chauncy and says that is a coat rack with a hat and coat on it.
-
#BadJoke347
Q: How do you know when a tractor is angry?
A: You can tell by its furrowed plow.
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#BadJoke348
Q" Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To avoid the giraffic jam.
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Chauncy says tell you what on the 17th whay dont we go to one of the pubs in the next town the ones here always do the same thing. Sean says in otherwords all the pubs in town have banned you from interfering with their st patrick's day events.
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#BadJoke349
Q: What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A: A spec-tater!
-
#BadJoke350
Q: What happens if you cover a tennis racket in ice cream?
A: You get soft serve!
-
#BadJoke351
Q: Why does Spock hate pi?
A: Because it's irrational.
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#BadJoke352
Q: What would Spock have said to the Lost in Space robot?
A: Insufficient facts always invite danger.
-
The doctor tells chauncy he needs to cut back on his drinking. Chauncy says not to worry, I will be taking next week off from the pub. The doctor says happy to hear it. Chauncy says no problem, sean will be out of town all week.
-
#BadJoke353
Q: What cheese goes around a castle?
A: Moats-a-rella!
-
#BadJoke354
Q: What did the Terminator say to his last sip of coffee?
A: Hasta la barista, baby.
-
Chauncy is laying on the couch when his wife comes in and yells at him, have you been laying there all day? Chauncy says yes. I have to get my rest for the big darts tourney at the pub. She says when is this game of yours? He says a week from wednesday.
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#BadJoke355
Q: Why was the Miami Dolphin called for a personal foul?
A: He tripped a player on porpoise!
-
#BadJoke356
Q: What do you call a starship with student loan debt?
A: The Millennial Falcon.
-
Chauncy asks bis wife what she is knitting. She says her mum asked her to make a sweater for her. Chauncy said so I suppose you will be ordering a couple tons of yarn then to finish it.
-
#BadJoke357
Q: Why don't jack-o-lanterns trust pumpkins?
A: Because pumpkins are seedy.
-
#BadJoke358
Q: How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. A light bulb is a hardware problem!
-
Chauncy's wife says her mum is learning judo. Chauncy says why, she already has a black belt in nagging she could just nag the muggers to death.
-
#BadJoke359
Q: Why was the chiropractor so busy?
A: Back-to-back meetings!
-
#BadJoke360
Q: Who was that Dutch painter who was famous for his portraits?
A: hm. I can't seem to Remembrandt.
-
#BadJoke361
Q: Why did the dad love his barbeque tongs?
A: They just clicked.
-
#BadJoke362
Q: Why is it so hard to buy a gift for a futurist?
A: They never like the present!
-
Chauncy looks outside and comments that the birds are flying away from the house and dark storm clouds are quickly coming their way. He asks his wife if her mother is coming for a visit?
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#BadJoke363
Q: What did the left ear say to the right ear?
A: Nothing. They're just really good listeners.
-
#BadJoke364
Q: Why don't people eat clocks?
A: It's too time-consuming!
-
The barkeep tells chauncy his wife is on the phone for him. Chauncy says tell her I went for an interview or to look up something at the library. The keep says can't you give me an excuse she will believe and I can relay without laughing.
-
Chauncy and his wife were arguing he says you do know I have feelings too. She says yes, feelng drunk, feeling sleepy, feeling hungover...
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#BadJoke365
Q: Where do families argue at the mall?
A: In the feud court!
-
#BadJoke366
Q: How does one train hear that another one's coming?
A: With its engine-ears!
-
#BadJoke367
Q: How do you evade someone who's trying to steal your barbecue?
A: Kebob and weave!
-
#BadJoke368
Q: Why did the dog cross the road?
A: To get to the other rawhide.
-
Chauncy is fishing, sean asks if he is coming to the pub. Chauncy says no, he is content fishing. Sean says it it the barkeep's birthday so drinks are on the house. Chauncy says I can fish anytime, his birthday is only once a year let's go. Sean says that and the drinks are free.
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#BadJoke369
Q: Why did the pillow cross the road?
A: To collect the chicken feathers!
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#BadJoke370
Q: What does Star Wars music sound like up in the mountains?
A: Yoda-ling!
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Chauncy tells the barkeep his wife wants her mother to go with them on holiday. The keep says so what are you planning to do? Chauncy says I thought about it and the only solution is to fake my own death.
-
#BadJoke371
Q: What did the ladder call the footstool?
A: His step brother.
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Chauncy tells the barkeep he and his wife had a fight. The keep asks what happened. Chauncy said his mother in law came over wearing a pink and grey rain coat and he called her a sunburned elephant.
-
#BadJoke372
Q: How do you contact an amoeba?
A: By cellular phone.
-
#BadJoke373
Q: How did the parasite end every email?
A: Worm regards.
-
#BadJoke374
Q: What do you call discounted sushi?
A: A raw deal!
-
#BadJoke375
Q: Where did the chicken cross the road?
A: At the cross bock. Bock bock!
-
#BadJoke376
Q: What kind of dogs love car racing?
A: Lap dogs.
-
Chauncy sees an advert for facial and back waxing. He tells his wife about it and suggests she send her mum there to look less like a orangutang.
-
#BadJoke377
Q: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A: A Zzz Rex!
-
#BadJoke378
Q: What do you get when you cross a ninja with a squid?
A: Disappearing ink!
-
Sean tells chauncy the pub accross from their usual haunt appears to be doing poorly. Chauncy says well, they can still afford a bouncer so it must not be that bad. Sean says but the bouncer is throwing people in to the pub not out.
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#BadJoke379
Q: Why did the squirrel cross the road?
A: Because he heard the ballet was performing the Nutcracker.
-
#BadJoke380
Q: What kind of dog can you get at the bakery?
A: Pure bread.
-
#BadJoke381
Q: Why don't zombies take Amtrak?
A: They prefer the Gory-ent Express!
-
#BadJoke382
Q: How many alligators does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. For them, it's a snap!
-
Sean comes into the pub and tells the keep that chauncy had told his wife that there was no way he was going to wash the windows and was going to the pub. The keep says so where is he then? Sean says he is at the er getting a bucket removed from his head.
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Chauncy come home at 3 AM his wife says ok what is your excuse for being this late? Chauncy says I got lost. His wife says how, you were next door at a house warming party.
-
#BadJoke383
Q: What does Frankenstein drive?
A: A monster truck!
-
#BadJoke384
Q: What did the dolphin say to his therapist?
A: I'm looking for my porpoise in life.
-
#BadJoke385
Q: Why did the zombie meditate after eating?
A: He was experiencing mindfullness.
-
#BadJoke386
Q: Why don't masseuses like to talk about their work?
A: It's a touchy subject.
-
Chauncy tells sean that his wife refused to make him a cup of tea and sandwich. She then told him to make it himself and to stop calling her at work for such things
-
#BadJoke387
Q: What's the Tooth Fairy's favorite dance?
A: The Floss!
-
#BadJoke388
Q: What do you call toddler twins who are sleeping?
A: Nap kins!
-
#BadJoke389
Q: What gaming console do kings and queens use the most?
A: The Royal Wii!
-
#BadJoke390
Q: Where does 007 invest his savings?
A: Bonds... stocks and bonds.
-
Chauncy answers the door and sees his mother in law standing there, he says, I knew I felt a cold draft and saw dark clouds approaching but I somehow overlooked you and your broom in the sky.
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#baDjOKE391
q: Why don't oysters share their pearls?
a: They're shellfish!
-
As the constable puts chauncy in the cells, he says I am sorry to place you in here with him. Chauncy looks at the homless person in the cell and says no worries mate. The constable says I wasnt talking to you.
-
Chauncy's mother in law said she was feeling self concious about her hair so she ordered a high quality wig. Chauncy says so, until it arrives you are wearing that cheap thing I take it?
-
#BadJoke392
Q: What do you call a camel with no hump?
A: Humphrey!
-
#BadJoke393
Q: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
A: Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
-
#BadJoke394
Q: What did the stuffing say to the turkey?
A: I'm so into you!
-
#BadJoke395
Q: What's the best gift for a Zen master?
A: A house. Because they enjoy living in the present.
-
#BadJoke396
Q: What is a pirate's favorite song?
A: (Shake Shake Shake) Shake Your Booty!
-
Chauncy's mother in law is at the door. She asks if her daughter is home, he says she is still at work. She then says mind if I wait for her? Chauncy says not at all and closes the door leaving her outside. She says hey you know it is raining out here dont you? He says fine, here's an umbrella, she should be home in an hour.
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The pastor comes to chauncy's house and says the church is having a charity auction. He then asks Chauncy is there is anything he would like to get rid of. Chauncy says would you be willing to take my mother in law?
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Sean head headed home in a rush. Chaubcy says whats the hurry. Sean tells him his wife will be furious because he is already late getting home. Chauncy says I know just what will help this situation, come with me to the pub and buy a couple of pints. Sean reluctantly agrees. After the third pint, sean asks chauncy how is this going to help me with my wife? Chauncy says no idea but it helped me get a couple pints.
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#BadJoke397
Q: What happened when the math teacher gave out extra homework?
A: The addition caused division to multiply!
-
#BadJoke398
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the other silo.
-
#BadJoke399
Q: When can you vote for a peanut?
A: In the goober-natorial race.
-
#BadJoke400
Q: What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
A: Sneakers!
-
#BadJoke401
Q: Why did the trombone cross the road?
A: To get to the other slides -- wah wah wah wah!
-
#BadJoke402
Q: Why did the chef go to Las Vegas?
A: They wanted to whisk it all.
-
#BadJoke403
Q: What does the subatomic duck say?
A: Quark, quark!
-
#BadJoke404
Q: Why did the lion cross the road?
A: To get to the other pride!
-
#BadJoke405
Q: Why do slugs go to the gym?
A: Because it's either ooze it or lose it.
-
#BadJoke406
Q: Why should you not write with a dull pencil?
A: Because it's pointless.
-
Durong the job interview, the interviewer asked chauncy where he sees himself in five years. Chauncy says I am not sure about five years but in ten minutes, I will be in the pub.
-
#BadJoke407
Q: What prize did the ninja dog win?
A: Best in No Show.
-
#BadJoke408
Q: What did the taco say to the sad burrito?
A: "We've all bean there."
-
Chauncy asks sean to pop into the shop and buy him a case of beer as they will not serve him. Sean says why will they not serve you, you do not appear too drunk to buy. Chauncy says I have no money.
-
#BadJoke409
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It overswept!
-
#BadJoke410
Q: Why did the deer cross the road?
A: Because his friends deered him to.
-
Chauncy tells his wife they should go on a tour of europe as he speaks many of the languages. She says yes you can order a pint in five languages but that does not equate to speaking multiple languages.
-
#BadJoke411
|QL Why didn't the blueberry participate in the NFL draft?
A: It didn't wanna be picked.
-
#BadJoke412
Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: He had a bone to pick with the chicken.
-
Chauncy tells his wife he feels like he has a connection to the people of their town. She says, of course you do, you owe all of them money.
-
#BAdJoke413
Q: Where do leprechauns live?
A: In leprechaundos!
-
#BadJoke414
Q: What did people do before sandpaper was invented?
A: They just roughed it.
-
The loan officer asks chauncy of he has any references for his loan. Chauncy says sure the sgt at the police station. The loan officer says he should be an excellent reference then. Chauncy says yes, I just saw him this morning when he let me out of jail.
-
#BadJoke415
Q: What do you call a spider with mad dance skills?
A: A dabby long legs!
-
#BadJoke416
Q: Why shouldn't you arm wrestle T-Rex?
A: He's a sore loser. And he will eat you!
-
#BadJoke417
Q: Why was the rabbit so happy?
A: Because some bunny loved him! aw.
-
#BadJoke418
Q: What do zombies and my jokes have in common?
A: Lots of groaners.
-
Chauncy boasts he is good at multitasking. His wife says oh, yes, you can sleep, snore, and drool at the same time.
-
Sean hears a noise and goes to sean's house to investigate. Sean's wife says those are his weights, he is working on his muscles. Chauncy says I didn't know he had those. She says what his weights? Chauncy says no, muscles.
-
#BadJoke419
Q: Where does a T Rex go to get his groceries?
A: The dino-store!
-
#BadJoke420
Q: What do you call a store that sells only bagels and donuts?
A: Hole Foods.
-
#BadJoke421
Q: Why did the toothbrush cross the road?
A: Just for a change of paste.
-
#BadJoke422
Q: What do you call a dog that's part Collie, Labrador, and Dalmatian?
A: A collaboration.
-
As chauncy walks into the pub, the barkeep says ah good you are here. A revenue agent showed up looking for you. Chauncy says good thing I missed them, an audit could get dicey. The keep says I didnt say they left.
-
#BadJoke423
Q: Why was the math teacher such a good dancer?
A: She had algorithm!
-
#BadJoke424
Q: Why was the coffee pot an Instagram star?
A: Because he was a pro with filters!
-
#BadJoke425
Q: Why did the soccer goalie eat pancakes with his hands?
A: He wanted sticky fingers!
-
#Badjoke426
Q: What makes ghosts grumpy?
A: The rain. It really dampens their spirits.
-
Chauncy's wife comes home after work and sees him looking out of it and asks what is wrong with you. Chauncy says all that digging and gardening, I am not used to it. She says what did the workmen outside keep you awake. He says yes all day.
-
#BadJopke427
Q: What did Lego Man give to his sweetie?
A: A little piece of his heart.
-
#BadJoke428
Q: What did the panther say at the poker party?
A: I'd be lion if I said I was a cheetah!
-
#BadJoke429
Q: How did the zombie get into college?
A: The zombie got all the brains in the family.
-
#BadJoke430
Q: What did 2 and 8 say to 5?
A: You're always mean to us!
-
Chauncy is upset his horse lost he says he heard it was a certainty that it could walk the race. His wife says, it did, unfortunately the other horses galloped.
-
As the constable is hauling chauncy off to the precinct, he says you should know by now I do not take bribes and besides an IOU hardly constitutes a bribe worth anyones interest.
-
#BadJoke431
Q: How did a dictionary end up starring on Broadway?
A: In a play on words.
-
#BadJoke432
Q: Why did the bear buy a pair of sneakers?
A: To catch up with the salmon run.
-
#BadJoke433
Q: Why did the farmers leave a tomato to their grandchild?
A: It was an heirloom.
-
#BadJoke434
Q: What’s the hairiest day of the week?
A: Furs Day!
-
The pastor sees chauncy and says so which are you off to, the pub, the track, or your bookie? Chauncy says, I am off to the library. The pastor apologizes and says I did not know you even knew we had a library in town. Chauncy says oh yes, I am meeting sean there to go with me to the track, then my bookie, then the pub.
-
#BadJoke435
Q: What did the soap say to the bartender?
A: "Gimme some suds, and put it on my tub."
-
#BadJoke436
Q: Why was the DJ so good at bat?
A: He knew how to hit that extra bass.
-
The pastor asks chauncy if he has ever considered sobriety. Chauncy says is that one of those foreign drinks?
-
Chauncy's wife said the horse you bet on came in dead last as usual, what was its name again? Chauncy says speed of light which can only mean he had a bad day or the owner has a sick sense of humour.
-
#Badjoke437
Q: What are twins' favorite day of the week?
A: Twos-day.
-
#BadJoke438
Q: What kind of dog is bacteria afraid of?
A: A sani-terrier.
-
#BadJoke439
Q: Why did the turtle break up with the giraffe?
A: They never saw eye to eye.
-
#BadJoke440
Q: What did the tortoise say to his sweetheart?
A: "I turtlely love you."
-
Chauncy asks his wife what she cooked for dinner. She says quiche. He looks at it and says what is that french for inedibly burned?
-
#BadJoke441
Q: What day do the cows come home?
A: Moos Day!
-
#BadJoke442
Q: What do you call a muddy chicken that crosses the road twice?
A: A dirty double-crosser!
-
Chauncy's wife comes in and says I think I am finally getting used to jogging. Chauncy says I watched you out the window when an 80 year old using a walker passes you that is not jogging.
-
#BadJoke443
Q: What's the stubbornest vegetable of them all?
A: The peas de resistance.
-
#BadJoke444
Q: What do you hear when a dragon sings?
A: The fire alarm.
-
Chauncy's wife gets home from work. Chauncy tells her that her mum had come round twice. She asks what did she want. He replies from how hard she pounded on the door, I am guessing she wanted me to let her in.
-
#BadJoke445
Q: Why did the person cross the road?
A: Because they'd been hypnotized into thinking they were a chicken.
-
#BadJoke446
Q: Why did the plane land on the football field?
A: To score a touchdown!
-
Chauncy tells sean he had just been fired from his job of holding an advert sign on the corner. Sean asks how can you get fired from such a simple job. Chauncy said well the sign had an arrow on it pointing to the shop it was asvertising but I accidentally had it pointed to the wrong shop.
-
#Badjoke447
Q: What's an avocado's favorite arcade game?
A: Whack a moley!
-
#BadJoke448
Q: How does lettuce prepare for a fancy dinner?
A: It gets all dressed up
-
Chauncy asks sean what happened to donovan he was just here walking with us. Sean says I just saw him fall into the pond. Chauncy says I have to go back for him. Sean says sort of like leave no man behind? Chauncy says no, donovan has the money for the next round at the pub.
-
#BadJpke449
Q: Why did the cookie buy a self-help book?
A: He had a chip on his shoulder!
-
#BadJoke450
Q: How many campers does it take to light a lantern?
A: One to pour the fuel, another to pump the tank, a third to light the match, and a fourth to say, "Forget it -- just get a flashlight!"
-
Chauncy's wife says her mum's hairdresser was quite rude as while working on her hair, she took out her phone and made a phone call. Chauncy says that wasn't rude, the hairdresser was calling for back up given it was her mum she was working on.
-
Chauncy's wife asks what are you afraid of getting a job for, do you think you would burst into flames if you did an honest day's work? He says not likely to happen but why chance it.
-
#BadJoke451
Q: Why can't you make an egg omelet?
A: Because their eggstinct
-
#BadJoke452
Q: What do you call a wizard in a fraternity house?
A: An abracada-bro
-
#BadJoke453
Q: Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
A: Because you can't see in the dark
-
#BadJoke454
Q: Why was the math teacher late to work?
A: She took the rhombus
-
Chauncy's wife says she heard there was a brawl at the pub last night. Chauncy says I would not know much about it as I missed it, given I was in the cellar. She says what were you doing in the cellar. He replies that's where the bloke that started the fight threw me.
-
#BadJoke455
Q: How many gymnasts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you also need someone to judge the execution.
-
#BadJoke456
Q: Why can't you trust a softball pitcher?
A: They're underhanded.
-
#BadJoke457
Q: What kind of platypus has blue blood?
A: An aristocratypus!
-
#BadJoke458
Q: What kind of salad wears a diaper?
A: Baby greens.
-
Sean says he saw chauncy's wife and her mum leave a short time ago. Chauncy says yes, they were going to one of those all you can eat buffets. I called the place and warned them to stock up on everything before her mum gets there so others will have something to eat.
-
#BadJoke459
Q: Where do chocolate and peanuts go to hang out?
A: Who cares? They're just a bunch of goobers.
-
#BadJoke460
Q: What is the best time of the year to go skydiving?
A: Fall. geronimo!
-
Chauncy goes to sean's house and says his sink is bunged up. Sean says oh, you want to borrow our plunger? Chauncy says no, I want to borrow $10 to go to the pub while my wife works on clearing the sink.
-
#BadJoke461
Q: How do coffee beans say goodbye?
A: See you later percolator!
-
#BadJoke462
Q: How many groundhogs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change the light bulb, and the other to hide from the shadow!
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Chauncy's wife comes home. He says your mum called today. She says well did she say anything before you hung up on her. He says I only heard the word the.
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#BadJoke463
Q: What do you get when you cross a lumberjack with a pianist?
A: Chopsticks!
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#BadJoke464
Q: How many wizards does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on what you want to change it into.
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The worst karaoke singer gets up to the microphone and says I would like to dedicate this song to my fans. Chauncy says while that is nice and all but your parents and girlfriend are not here yet.
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#BadJoke465
Q: What kind of socks does a pirate wear?
A: arr-gyle!
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#BadJoke466
Q: What happened to the letter that fell off the billboard?
A: Nothing. It's just a little dirt "e."
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Chauncy's wife says I do not come in 1sy in your life or even 2nd more like 4th, behind beer, darts, and that pub you go to. Chauncy shows up in the pub shortly after with a bandage on his head and says somehow I knew I should not have mentioned don't forget gambling.
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Chauncy's wife says we habe not had anyone over for dinner in some time and I have a few new recipies I want to try. Who should we invite. Chauncy says who do we know that has not yet tried your cooking and enjoys food poisoning?
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#Badjoke467
Q: What do you call a cactus that's really really sharp?
A: Prick-ocious. ow!
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#BadJoke468
Q: What’s the sweetest day of the week?
A: Ice cream Sunday!
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#BadJoke469
Q: Why did the dog cross the road?
A: To get to the other rawhide.
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#BadJoke470
Q: What do you call an ostrich in a cornfield?
A: A crop duster!
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Chauncy is leaving the pub and sees a constable. He asks the constable for the time. The response is, it is midnight or as some call it the witching hour. Chauncy says oh, you must know my mother in law.
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#BadJoke471
Q: Which baseball player has the shortest commute?
A: The catcher. He only works from home.
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#BadJoke472
Q: Why did the farmers' start up fail?
A: They ran out of seed money.
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#BadJoke473
Q: What do you call a tea drinking wizard?
A: A cup and sorcerer.
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#BadJoke474
Q: Why'd the chicken quickly cross the road?
A: To get upwind from the skunk. yuck!
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Chauncy says his wife got tired of him complaining about her cooking and told him to make dinner. He said he did so but even then she was not happy and complained more. The bar keep says so what did you do. He says what could I do, I poured the corn flakes back in the box and put the milk away.
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#BadJoke475
Q: What did Han Solo name his clone?
A: Han Duo.
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#BadJoke476
Q: Where does the rhombus post its selfies?
A: On Parallelogram.
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#BadJoke477
Q: How'd the woodworkers hear the latest gossip?A:
A whittled bird told 'em.
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#BadJoke478
Q: Why did the Star Wars fan break up with the Star Trek fan?
A: They both needed some space.
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The sgt at the local precinct calls chauncy's wife that he has bad news, chauncy is in jail. She says so whats the bad news, you are about to release him?
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#BadJoke479
Q: Why did the grapefruits go skinny dipping?
A: They found it appealing!
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#BadJoke480
Q: Why did the dust bunny fall in love with a Roomba?
A: It was swept off its feet!
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Chauncy's wife comes home and says she has been in ebery shop looking for shoes for her mum. Chauncy says did you try a blacksmith shop thats where horse shoes are usually found.
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#BadJoke481
Q: What’s a doughnut’s favorite day of the week?
A: Fry day!
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#BadJoke482
Q: How did the alligator feel after eating the bird?
A: Full of egret!
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Chauncy sees his friend eric and says I have been looking for you. Sean and I need you for the darts tournament saturday. Eric says have you forgotten I am to be married saturday. Chauncy says of course not, the tourney begins at 1230 your wedding is at noon so plenty of time.
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#Badjoke483
Q: Why was the peach so mean?
A: It had a heart of stone!
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#BadJoke484
Q: What did the scarecrow zombie say?
A: "If I only had a brain"
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#BadJoke485
Q: Who's got the best dance moves at Thanksgiving dinner?
A: The twerky!
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#BadJoke486
Q: What fish tastes the best with peanut butter?
A: Jellyfish!
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Chauncy says he just received a text which may be the racing tip he is expecting. He looks at his phone perplexed. The bar keep asks him what does it say, is it your tip? Chauncy says either there is a horse out there named old git or this is from my wife.
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#BadJoke487
Q: How do pigs keep their feet clean?
A: With ham sanitizer!
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#BadJoke488
Q: How does James Bond like to sleep?
A: Under covers.
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Chauncy's wife tells him no, we cannot move to another town just because you owe everyone here money and they know better than to lend you any more just to buy a pint.
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#BadJoke489
Q: What's the worst day of the week?
A: Moan Day!
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#BadJoke490
Q: Why did the baseball catcher spend a night at the field?
A: Because he felt right at home.
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Chauncy tells his wife he has just come from the new jewelry shop in town. She asks did you find anything there for me. He says yes a 4th job for you. They are seeking a part time clerk, I gave them your name.
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#Badjoke491
Q: Why does fresh produce taste so good?
A: 'Cause farmers always try their harvest!
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#BadJoke492
Q: What's the lemon's favorite dance?
A: The twist!
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The town's wort karaoke singer tried to make a cd of their best songs and throw them into the crowd at the pub. Unfortunately for them, chauncy caught the first one and threw it back at the singer knocking them out. At which point the entire pub cheered.
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#BadJoke483
Q: What are baby pickles made from?
A: Cute cumbers.
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#BadJoke484
Q: What were the wishbone's last words?
A: oh snap!
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Chauncy asks his wife what she would think of someone writing a book about his life. She said it would be a very short book. Chapter 1 naps, chapter 2 the pub, chapter 3 jail.
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#BadJoke485
Q: Who's the scariest bodybuilder of all time?
A: Dr. Frankenstein.
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#Badjoke486
Q: Why did the candle read Shakespeare?
A: He liked to wax poetic.
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Sean says look there is a new loan company in town and shows chauncy an advert for it. Chauncy says ah yes, they gave me a loan until next pay day. Sean says but you do not work ans have no pay day. Chauncy says yes but they dont know that.
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#BadJoke487
Q: What did one ham sing to the other in the oven?
A: It's getting hot in here, so take off all your cloves!
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#BadJoke488
Q: What do time traveler's kids say on long road trips?
A: "Are we THEN yet? Are we THEN yet? Are we THEN yet?"
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Chauncy sees the menu board in the pub and asks if it is cajun night. The barkeep says why to you ask. Chauncy says these menu items, blackened chicken, blackened fish, and blackened beef. The barkeep says ah that, the chef accidentally set fire to the kitchen.
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$BadJoke489
Q: Why can't the butter knife ever get a date?
A: He's a bit dull.
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#BadJoke490
Q: How do anarchists get fit?
A: Resistance training.
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Chauncy enters the pub and tells the bar keep he won on the horses and will buy everyone a pint. The keep says you are the only one here. Chauncy says perfect timing then.
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#BadJoke491
Q: What happens when two raindrops fall in love?
A: They become rain beaus.
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#BadJoke492
Q: How did the fence get so popular on social media?
A: Lots of posts!
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Chauncy and his wife are leaving her mothers house. His wife thanks her mum for the meal and asks her to give them the recipie. Chauncy say yes so we can burn it to prevent mass food poisoning.
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#BadJoke493
Q: Where do elephants go to study painting?
A: Tuskany.
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#BadJoke494
Q: Why did the dandelion quit dating?
A: It kept getting blown off.
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Chauncy tells the bar keep that it is dead in the bar, he should try to get more paying customers in there. The keep says how about I first get rid of the moochers and non paying customers.
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Chauncy reports to the jobs centre. The agent said of the last six interviews we sent you on, you did not show up for any of them. How can I be of help to you? Chauncy said stop sending me on interviews.
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Chauncy tells the pastor how much he liked the sermon on the good samaritan and how he helped others. The pastor says and how much are you wanting to borrow? Chauncy says that is rather presumptuous is it not? But if you insist, I will take $10
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Chauncy's wife is painting their living room and yells for him to help her. Chauncy says you want me to help you again? She says what do you mean again, when did you help me with this? He says, I opened the paint can didnt I? He walks into the pub a short time later covered in paint.
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Chauncy gets ready to head out and sees a heavy fog has come in he says I know exactly what to do and where to go in this situation, back inside the pub for another round and turns around to reenter the pub.
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Chauncy is ordered to the jobs centre. The clerk tells him this company is seeking both skilled and unskilled workers for their factory. Chauncy says I do not fit into that classification. The clerk says which one skilled or unskilled. Chauncy says worker.
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Chauncy was given a beathalyzer test for his blood alcohol level by a constable at the station. There was a loud bang. A second constable came in to see what happened. The first constable said the machine blew up as soon as chauncy blew into it.
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Chauncy says his horse was dead even with the winning horse then he lost. Sean asks what happened that yours lost. Chauncy says they opened the gates and started the race.
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Chauncy tells sean he just missed the worst karaoke singer in the pub getting a standing ovation. sean asks how did thst happen. Chauncy says he announed he will not be here for the next month due to having to go out of town.
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Chauncy's wife says the kitchen sink is leaking and needs repair. Chauncy says right then I will head to the pub to get out of the way while you sort it out.
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At the job interview, the manager says to Chauncy, so the jobs centre sent you here but your work history shows you have never worked at any job for more than one day. What do you think that means I will do? Chauncy says hopefully it means you will not hire me and I can go to the pub.
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Chauncy comes home after the pub closed. His wife yells at him as he enters saying didnt you promise you would be home by 8. Chauncy says I did and I am as I did not say 8 pm or 8 am and it is before 8 am.
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Sean asked chauncy how he did at the track on his sure bet. Chauncy said the picture of the horse on the marquis moved faster than the actual horse.
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The constable stops chauncy and sean and says I heard there was some trouble at the pub earlier. Chauncy says I would not know much about it, I left as soon as it began. Sean says right through the window.
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Chauncy arrives home quite late from the pub. He stands at the door and says now what excuse can I give her that she will believe. I know, I will say I ran into an old friend from school and lost track of time, she will buy that. His wife says I might have had you not said that out loud with me standing in the doorway.
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Chauncy is laying in the middle of the street where he fell while trying to walk home from the pub. The constable says look at you, do you even know where you are. Chauncy says yes, I am on the ground.
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The barkeep tells chauncy he heard chauncy's wife injured her back, what happened? Chauncy said she was trying to move the couch to vaccum under it but strained her back trying to do so. I eventually had to get off of it and help her.
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Chauncy has a lump on his head. Sean asks what happened. Chauncy says I gave my wife an expensive box of chocolates. Sean says how does that result in you having that lump? Chauncy says well she was ironing at the time and when I asked her for the money for the chocolates, she hit me with the iron.
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Chauncy asks his wife if she knows how many witches it takes to equal a coven. She says no, why? He says well I heard your and and sister are going to your mother's tonight and just thought it may be enough.
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After numerous sessions, chauncy and his wife's marriage counselor suggests they take a six month world cruise. Chauncy asks how will that help us? The therapists says I am not sure but it will give me a six month break from both of you.
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Chauncy's wife says they should take a walk through the park to enjoy the flowers, the colours, the animals, and nature. Chauncy says there is a tv channel for that and we can save ourselves all that work walking.
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Chauncy tells his wife there was one good thing about the covid crisis, that her mother had to wear a mask. Unfortunately for him, his wife had a frying pan in her hand at the time. He should recover in a week or so.
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Sean tells the keep that chauncy has sworn to only drink 2 glasses of ale a day. The keep says that would be impressive if chauncy wasn't using a picture as a glass.
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Chauncy asked the bank manager if they offer any perks for loyal customers. The manager says, yes we do however, coming in here every week asking for a loan does not qualify as a loyal customer.
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Chauncy waked up from his usual nap and looks for something to eat. He finds a frozen pizza in the freezer reads the directions and decides too much work so he orders a pizza delivered.
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Chauncy arrives home quite late. His wife is waiting up for him. He sees her and says I know I am late but I did text you about the delay. She says that excuse might have worked except you do not know how to text and you left your cell phone here.
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Chauncy asks his wife what is for dinner. She says steak, mashed potatoes, and beans. When he looks at his plate, he asks her ok, which pile of ashes was the steak?
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Chauncy's wife comes home and says you should have heard how many whistles I got walking home. Chauncy says whistles from tea kettles do not count.
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Chauncy's wife has the flu and tells him she needs to lie down. He says yes, rest is the best thing for a flu bug but before you do so, how are the chances of you making me a sandwich first?
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Chauncy's mother in law got a role in a local play as Lady McBeth. Chauncy's wife is surprised to see Chauncy appear upset when Lady McBeth dies in the play. His wife says don't worry mum is ok it is just a play. Chauncy says it is just the play part that upsets me.
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Chauncy's wife comes in and sees him napping on the couch. She says there is something missing from the lawn mower out there. He says oh, and what might that be? She says you operating it.
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Chauncy loses another bet on the horses and yells how can a horse named sense of direction go the wrong way on a race track?
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Chauncy and his wife are watching a nature program. The topic is sloths. The announcer says adult sloths only move whenever it is required and can sleep 15 to 18 hours a day. Chauncy asks his wife why are you looking at me like that, the sloths are on the telly, not me.
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Chauncy tells the bar keep to stop raising the prices or the average working person will no longer be able to afford to buy a pint. The keep says you do not work and never buy so what are you worried about? Chauncy says true but those who buy me my drinks are regular working people and I need to make sure they can afford to do so.
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The agent at the employment office asks chauncy how could you not get the job I sent you to interview for, it was dead certain you would get it. Chauncy said well it was all your doing. The agent says how was it my doing? Chauncy says I followed your advice to be myself which apparently was not what they were looking for. The agent says no one is looking for that.
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Two constables see chauncy get tossed out of the pub. They debate whether to take him in or not but know they cannot leave him in the street but do not want the paperwork of running him in either. So they come to the only solution, they toss him back into the pub, confusing the keep.
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The constable tells chauncy his wife, her mum, and her sister have come to bail him out. Chauncy says tell them you lost the key to the cells.
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Chauncy suggests they get a computer. His wife says will it will enable us to do things much faster and easier but problem is it also makes it easier for you to order beer deliveries to the house.
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Chauncy enters the pub with his hand bandaged. The keep asks what happened. Chauncy says to blame his wife as she placed a spring trap in her purse so when he was looking for money it snapped on his hand.
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Chauncy's mother in law and sister in law are at the door to take his wife on a girls night out. Chauncy yells to his wife that the creatures from alien and predator are there to pick her up.
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Chauncy arrives home and tells his wife that he saw her mum in town. She says I know. I just got off the phone with her and yelling whale dead ahead when you saw her is not funny.
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Chauncy's wife says the living room needs to be repainted and decorated. Chauncy says well, I am not doing anything this weekend so sean and I can go fishing to get me out of your way while you do the painting and decorating.
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Chauncy reviews the racing program and says his pick for the 1st race is garunteed to win with one exception. His wife says yes, that exception is if you bet on it.
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Chauncy suggests to sean that they go to the new pub in town. Sean says isn't that the one with the young barmaid? Chauncy says that is the one. Sean says no way. The last time we went there you fainted from trying to hold your stomach in all night.
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Chauncy says I do not know what I would do if my wife left me, I mean who would clean the house and take out the trash if not for her?
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The barkeep tosses chauncy out and says do not come back tomorrow night either. Chauncy says ok, how about tomorrow afternoon instead?
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Chauncy says for once my horse is in the lead. His wife replied too bad the jockey is still at the 1st turn.
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Chauncy's wife says she and her mum are going to the public pool to cool off. Chauncy says make your your mother does not try to dive into the pool or there will not be any water left in it.
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The pastor's sermon was on charity and helping those in need. Following the service, Chauncy asks the pastor if he meant what he said about not turning someone in need away. The pastor said absolutely but that does not include money to go to the pub so do not even ask.
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A customer in the pub looks at chauncy and says I can see you are someone who grabs an opportunity when given the chance aren't you? Chauncy says well yes I am but what made it so obvious. The customer says because that is my pint you just grabbed.
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The barkeep answers the phone then tells chauncy his wife had called and said she was not waiting on him to get home to eat dinner and she would not save s plate for him. Chauncy says best news I have heard all day, I was afraid she was going to keep some in the warmer for me.
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Chauncy's wife arrives home and asks what he did all day. He said he took a nap as he was bored. She said well if you were bored you could have done the house work for me. He says I was not that bored.
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Chauncy says to his wife there is a great deal on waxing, chest and back wax for $30, you should tell your mum about it.
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Chauncy tells sean he has found his calling in life. Sean says so what is this new vocation of yours? Chauncy says to find a more innovative and better way to nap.
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Chauncy tells sean he wants to do something that will grab people's attention and make them remember him for a long time. Sean says ok, how about you shocking everyone and actually buying a round at the pub. No one will forget that.
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Chauncy's wife sees him carrying a small dog wrapped in a towel. She says what are you doing with that dog. Chauncy says he accidentally ate some of your mum's cooking, I am taking him to the vet to make sure he was not poisoned so we do not get charged with animal cruelty, it is bad enough he had to suffer eating her cooking.
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Chauncy's wife asks him if he likes her new top. He says yes and woth those stripes, it is quite practical too if anything happens to the referee at our next game, all you need is a whistle and you are set to fill in.
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Chauncy asks his wife if she feels like being fancy and dining al fresco. She says yes, that sounds great. He says good, there's a hot dog stand over there, I will get us to to go for the walk home.
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Chauncy asks his wife how her mum's weigh in at her diet group went. She says the main thing is she went and is trying to lose weight. Chauncy says broke another scale did she?
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Chauncy tells sean he got a loan from the new pay day advance place until pay day. Sean says but you do not work and have no pay day. Chauncy says no but you do so, I used your name.
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As the constable is making his rounds near the pub area, Chauncy tells him don't worry about me for the next two weeks. The constable says why's that? Chauncy says my wife and I are going to London on holiday. The constable says I shall need to ring up the constables in London to warn them you are coming.
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Chauncy's wife hears a knock at the door. She opens it to see Sean helping Chauncy into the house. She says I told you, you are too old to play football. Chauncy says, I am not and I will prove l, tomorrow when I am able to move again.
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The bar keep asks chauncy to answer a survey question on why he frequents the pub, is it the price, the staff, the atmosphere, etc. Chauncy writes because it is the closest pub to my house.
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Chauncy tells the bar keep his wife is not talking to him. The keep asks why not? Chauncy replied she had asked him what he thought they should do for their up coming anniversary. He suggested wearing all black. She has not spoke to him since.
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Chauncy says his mother in lae is mad at him for wanting to buy her a gift. Sean asks why would she be mad at you over that. Chauncy says I do not know all I said was I would be happy to buy her a barrel of antiwrinkle cream.
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Chauncy's wife comes home and says she got a bonus at work. She told him we need to use this money wisely and not just spend it wildly. Chauncy says I agree, we need to be careful with it and make sure we use it to bet on the right horse.
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Chauncy's wife comes home from the movies after a night out with her mum. Chauncy asks how the movie was. She said well initially I was concerned about possible foul language with my mum there. Chauncy says yes, she does have a habit of swearing a lot. His wife said I meant in the movie.
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Sean and chauncy notice a sign in town that said their usual pub was having disco karaoke night. Chauncy says nice of them to post this warning now we know to find another pub for the night.
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The bank manager tells Chauncy, you have no job, no income, and no way to repay a loan what makes you think we would ever loan you money? Chauncy says you have a sign outside that says you loan money to anyone. The manager calls an employee in and says add the words except Chauncy to our loan sign.
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Chauncy's wife says her mum's knuckles are sore. Chauncy says has she been dragging them on the ground while walking like an ape again? His wife says no, she has arthritis.
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Chauncy and sean are at a new pub. The pub is trying to find singers for their karaoke night. The usual bad singer from chauncy's normal pub shows up and is asked if he can sing. He says sure I can, they talk about my singing at the other pub. Chauncy says yes, saying please stop before someone reports an injured animal being in the area.
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Chauncy had a birthday party for his wife. She became upset complaining about how old she is. He says nonsense, now take a breath and wheeze out your candles before someone calls the fire dept.
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Chauncy's wife says her mum just bought a fish tank and fish. She is thinking of buying something to give her mum to help stimulate the fish and excite them. Chauncy says how about a cat?
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Chauncy's wife complains thst it is late afternoon and he is just laying on the couch. She says isn't there something more important you could do at this time of day? He says well is someone would stop complaining, I could be sleeping at this time of day.
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Chauncy and sean are walking along the wharf near the docks. Chauncy says I love this area. Sean says you like the smell of the ocean are do you? Chauncy says no, there is a new pub just ahead I have been wanting to try.
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Chauncy and his wife are watching a nature program. The announcer says some animals swallow small stones to help them digest food. Chauncy says that would never work with your cooking, the animals could not tell the difference between the cooking and the stones.
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The constable sees chauncy and says I have not seen you at the station house in a while. Chauncy says I finally learned my lesson. The constable says you mean you learned to behave? Chauncy says no, I learned how not to get caught.
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Chauncy sees his wife knitting. He asks when she decided to begin knitting again. She says her mum asked her to knit her a sweater. Chauncy turns around toward the computer. His wife asks where are you going. He says I am going online to order you a ton of yarn for the sweater that should be just about enough.
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The bar keep announces their darts league has been accused of cheating. Sean says what proof do they have of our teams cheating. The keep says the league president said chauncy is on the team that is proof enough.
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Chauncy's wife is going over their budget and tells him after dinner tonight, we need to examine our expenses and see where we are wasting money. Chauncy says I can't do it then as I called a taxi to take me to the races at that time.
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Chauncy's wife wakes him up saying she heard something in the kitchen. He tells her maybe you should go down and check. Oh, and since you will be in there how about bringing me a cup of tea and sandwich when you return.
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The clerk at the job center suggests chauncy use their computer to look for a job. He tells him to type in the type of job he seeks. Chauncy types for a moment then says there do not appear to be any openings for a sofa tester and leaves.
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Chauncy's wife says her mum is having a mud pack facial to make her look better. Chauncy says if she wants to look better, tell them to leave the mud mask on.
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Chauncy enters the pub grumbling and his finger bandaged up. The pub keep asks him what happened. He says since when can a wife put a mouse trap in her purse to prevent her husband from borrowing money from it.
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Chauncy's wife says what use are you around the house, you do not know how to use a single appliance do you? Chauncy says that's not true, I know how to use the refridgerator.
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Chauncy comes home and tells his wife he won the egg in a spoon race at the pub. She said well that took a bit of coordination on your part. Chauncy said that and a drop of super glue on the spoon to keep the egg in place.
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Chauncy's lawyer asks the judge to grant bail for Chauncy. The judge asks if he is a flight risk. The lawyer says given his current state, he is not even a walk risk.
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Chauncy complains to his wife that there are many fast food places, why are there no fast ale and beer places.
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The worst karaoke singer finishes singing days gone by. Chauncy says that is a great song, except when you sing it.
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Chauncy sees sean digging a large hole and asks what he is up to. Sean says I have always wanted a place for fish. Chauncy says I thing the refridgerator would work better.
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Chauncy's wife is in the kitchen. He yells to her, whatever we are having for dinner could you please ruin or burn it quickly as I have a darts tourney to get to in 30 minutes.
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A new comer to the pub says to chauncy, I hear you have never worked or earned a single dollar, yet you are in the pub every night and always have a pint in front of you. How do you manage that? Chauncy says buy me a pint and I will tell you my secret.
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A financial planner tells chauncy that he can help him set up a plan that makes paying his bills easier. Chauncy says do you have a plan that makes not paying my bills easier?
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Chauncy and his wife come out of the movie. She says that movie was horrible. I thought you said it was a love story. Chauncy says it was a love story, about the love a psychotic killer has for his chainsaw.
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Sean asks chauncy is he is sure he is ok to play darts as he had drank a lot before the game is to start. Chauncy says of course I am ok to play, why do you ask. Sean says well for one thing, the dart board is behind you not in front of you.
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Sean asks chauncy what he would do if he ever won the lottery. Chauncy said I would make a list of everyone I owe money to. Sean says oh, so you could pay them all back? Chauncy says no, so I could figure out how to avoid them.
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The desk sergeant hears a commotion coming from the jail cells he goes to check on it. Then calls the constable in and says when I told you to lock up chauncy and the bloke he was fighting with in the pub, I did not mean put then both in the same cell.
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Chauncy comrs in and says I got the flower you wanted for the cake you are making, holding up a daisy. His wife said I said flour, f l o u r not f l o w e r.
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Chauncy's wife asks him to drop off some bags of her old clothing at the church for the needy. Chauncy says it would be easier to simply throw them out. She says true but some poor starving person may need them. Chauncy replies if the person can fit into your clothes, they are definitely not starving.
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Chauncy walks into the pub with a bandage on his head. The keep asks him what happened. Chauncy said it all started when went shopping with my wife, the problem arose when she tried on a new pair of trousers and asked if they made her look fat. The keep says you didn't? Chauncy says I tried not to but it slipped out before I could think. The real problem was she had just purchased a new iron which was in her shopping bag.
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Chauncy looks outside and sees it is pouring rain. He says no one would go out in this. His wife says her sister and mum are on their way for dinner. Chauncy says you know it is not raining that hard and ducks off to the pub.
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Chauncy comes in carrying a trumpet. His wife says where did you get that. Chauncy says I borrowed it from the guy next door who tries to play it every morning. She says but you can't play the trumpet. He responds true but as long as I have it neither can he.
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The bloke at the job centre asked chauncy why he jumped up and ran out of the last interview they sent him on. Chauncy said well, the manager there said he wanted someone with get up and go so what else was I to do. I got up and went to the pub.
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Chauncy's wife says I have bad news, my mum cannot make it for dinner, her heater broke and she has to wait for the repairman. Chauncy yells yippee then turns to her and says, oh, err I mean that is too bad.
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A nee bloke shows up in the pub. As he is talking to chauncy, he says he is a professor in ancient languages and literature. He says tell you what, I will buy you a pint and tell you about it. Chauncy says can I just get the pint and forget the lecture?
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Chauncy's wife is cooking dinner. Chauncy says I have the fire extinguisher ready, just let me know when you need me to come help you put out the fire.
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Chauncy actually turned down a pint that had been purchased for him. Seems his mother in law purchased it and he feared she poisoned it.
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The pastor sees chauncy on the street and says off to gamble then drink I presume. Have you ever considered changing your life? Chauncy says I tried that once, I drank then gambled, it turned out worse, which is why I always gamble first.
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Chauncy is at the bank asking about a loan. The manager says we have a website you can apply for a loan onlinr now. Chauncy says how is a machine going to tell me if I get a loan or not. The manager says easy, presses a button and the computer keeps displaying NO! repeatedly.
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A constable comes to chauncy's house and says, I am here to inquire about a dust up at the pub last night that you were allegedly involved in, what have you to say about it? Chauncy says, that depends, who won?
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Sean says look at the time, it is almost dinner time. Chauncy replies so it is, I wonder if my wife has put mine out yet. Sean says I think she would wait for you to be home wouldn't she? Chauncy says, I mean put out the flames.
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The karaoke singer tells Chauncy that the place he sang at last night let him body surf on the crowd. Chauncy says, I heard about that didn't they surf you right out of the building?
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Chauncy's wife asks him why he invited sean to go with them to her mum's for dinner. Chauncy says I needed a taste tester to make sure the food is not poisoned.
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Chauncy and his wife are watching the telly. A programme comes on that says it explores the most baffling unexplained mysteries known to man. Chauncy says to his wife, you did not tell me they were doing an expose on your mum and what species she is.
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The bloke at the employment office says according to our records, you have never been employed. Chauncy says well you could look at it that I have never been fired from a job.
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Chauncy's wife reminds him that they are due at her mum's for dinner in 30 minutes. Chauncy says well that gives her 30 minutes to open the cans and put the food in the microwave.
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The karaoke singer told chauncy that people find his singing moving. Chauncy said well, it is certainly making me move to another pub.
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The bar keep tells chauncy his wife just called and if he does not head straight home, she is going to throw his dinner out. Chauncy says to her that is a threat, to me it is cause to celebrate, how about another pint?
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Chauncy's friend tells him he is opening a new pet shop and needs someone to help with the animals. He then asks chauncy if he can help. Chauncy says sure then makes an announcement in the pub asking if anyone is interested in caring for animals.
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Chauncy sees his mother in law in a tiger stripe dress and says no wonder tigers are an endangered species if that is what they look like in the wild.
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Chauncy's wife was donating their old couch to charity. When the movers showed up to collect it, chauncy was still napping on it. They asked her what to do. She said take him too but I doubt you will get much for him.
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Sean tells chauncy he cannot make it to the pub tonight because it is his mother in law's birthday and she is coming over for dinner. Chauncy says what has that to do with the pub, I do not see the relationship there.
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Chauncy looks outside and says it is raining too hard to go out tonight. His wife says by the way we ran out of beer. Chauncy says, you know a little rain never hurt anyone, let's go to the pub.
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Chauncy is on trial again for drunk and disorderly conduct. The judge says lock him up and I never want to see him in this courtroom again. The public defender says objection your honour, shouldn't we at least have the trial first.
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Chauncy's wife says you got a letter from a tv station. Chauncy says great, I wrote to them about an idea for a new show, what does it say? She opens it and says they said your idea for a telebision show about catapulting mothers in law accross the English Channel does not suit the interests of our viewers, even if you are offering for us to begin with your mother in law.
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Chauncy gets thrown out of the corporate party held by his wife's company. Sean watches as chauncy is thrown out and asks who threw you out, chauncy says my wife.
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The karaoke singer tells Chauncy I can just imagine singing at a camp out around the fire. Chauncy says well, with the way you sing, at least you would keep the wild animals away.
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Chauncy wakes up and is holding his head while groaning saying he should know better by now. His wife says yes, you should know not to drink so much. He says not that, I am talking about I should know better than to get up this early.
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Chauncy goes to Sean's house. His wife answers the door. Chauncy says I am here to help Sean. She says help him with what? He says to spend his paycheck.
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At the start of his song, the karaoke singer says, I am ready to get this show on the road. Chauncy says that is a good idea, the road to the next town is just outside please take it.
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The karaoke singer approaches the stage, the looks around and says who took the microphone and guitar. Chauncy said probably someone who likes music and values their ears.
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Chauncy tells his wife he is going to work as he leaves the house. She yells out the door what do you mean work, you do not have a job? He turns around and yells back that work is the name of a new pub in town.
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Chauncy actually goes to a job interview when he finds out it is for a beer taster. The interviewer explaims the process he is to follow, take a drink of the beer, swish it in his mouth, then spit it out into a bucket and fill out the form rating the beer. Chauncy says wait, you want me to spit it out? No thank you, and leaves.
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Someone says Chauncy, with your fear of gettong a job, have you ever thought about a psychologist? Chauncy says I could not handle that too much time spent listening to other people's problems.
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For once, chauncy breaks up a fight outside the pub. Sean says since when do you stop a brawl instead of joining it? Chauncy say since they were blocking the door to the pub.
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The pastor is following chauncy about town. Chauncy asks him what he is up to. The pastor says well I was at a loss as to what my sermon should be about this week but in watching you, I have enough information on what not to do to cover a month's worth of sermons.
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Chauncy walks into the pub alone. The barkeep asks him where sean is. He says sean is broke and staying home. The keep says so, you are buying your own pints tonight then eh? Chauncy says unless a kindly barkeep is willing to spot me a few pints. The keep says as I said, you are buying your own pints tonight then.
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Chauncy says to his wife not all romantic gestures have to involve flowers or candy you know. She says true but starting the lawn mower and expecting me to be the one to do the mowing is not a romantic gesture.
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The barkeep answers the phone and tells chauncy it is his wife. Chauncy said how did she kmow I was here. The keep said easy, you were not home napping so where else would you be.
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Chauncy's wife said look your jockey is in the lead but he appears to have lost his horse. Does that still count? Chauncy shakes his head.
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After a particularly intense argument between chauncy and his wife, he sees her get out a suitecase and start packing it. He says now no need for you to pack your things or go to your mum's. She says oh, it is not my things I am packing pointing to his closet.
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Chauncy gets booted from the pub yet again but for a new reason this time. Seems he learned to throw his voice like a vantriloquist and spent the evening making it sound like the barkeep was saying drinks are on the house to get free drinks.
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Chauncy sees the pastor and tells him he has a tip on the 3pm race that is iron clad to win. The pastor says I do not think the bishop would approve of me gambling. Chauncy says he's the one who gave me the tip.
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Chauncy reads and article that says people and pets begin to look and even act alike. His wife says so when was it you got a pet sloth?
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Chauncy gets tossed out of the pub just as the constable is approaching. The constable is in no mood to deal with chauncy but cannot leave him on the street either so decides the best course of action is to toss him back into the pub and move on.
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Chauncy has passed out so many times in the pub, sean and the keep are now taking bets on which way chauncy will fall, face down or face up. One night they did not know who won as he landed on his side.
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Chauncy says I learned two things today, one appliances are not good birthday gifts for one's wife, and two, my wife has started studying judo.
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Chauncy is in jail once again, unfortunately, the usual food supplier for the inmates is out sick but, chauncy's wife cooks and sends food for him. Chauncy says being in jail is punishment enough, I do not need to be poisoned too.
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It is 15 minutes after the laat race at the track. Chauncy's wife says should we just leave now or do you want to wait for your horse to finish the track which should be sometime around midnight at this rate?
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The doctor is about to give chauncy a shot but he has fainted. The nurse asks is he afraid of needles? The doctor says, no, I think it was the fact that I told him after this shot he cannot drink alcohol for 2 weeks.
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The pastor says to chauncy I see you gambling every day, in fact I would bet you could not go a day without gambling. Chauncy says I will wager $10 on that bet.
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The doctor tells chauncy he knows why he is so lethargic. He tells chauncy he needs more motovation in his life and should consider getting a job. When chauncy sees sean later, sean asks what the doctor said. Chauncy said the doctor said he is a quack and I should find another doctor.
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Chauncy tells his wife that her mum's picture is in the paper. She looks and says that is a picture of a gorilla that escaped from the zoo. He says well the resemblance is uncanny.
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Chauncy's wife tells him her mum just had her picture taken by a professional. Chauncy says we should get a print of the picture, we can put it on the door to scare salemen away.
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Chauncy's wife's mum says somehow all of her plates broke and she is going shopping for new ones. She asks if there is a good place to buy them near by. Chauncy says I just read a sales advert saying the local famer's supply shop is having a special on troughs this week.
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Chauncy's wife comes home, sees him on the couch sleeping and says you sleep all day and are in the pub all night, is there any way you could be more lazy. Chauncy says well, if I could find someone to push me on the couch to the pub that would be great. She says that was not intended to be a challenge.
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Chauncy's wife says I do not like playing monopoly with you. It is too much like our actual life, you always end up owing money and going to jail.
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Chauncy's wife said I gave you $20 to go to the store for bread, milk, and eggs, how could you misunderstand that for go to the pub and buy a few pints? Chauncy replied well they do sound a little alike.
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Chauncy says I feel guilty, my wife works long hard hours to support us both, I really should find her a better job.
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Chauncy is headed out. His wife says. I thought you said you were not going to the pub tonight. He said I am not, I am going to the library. She says then why do you have your pool que? He says oh, I use it to get books off the top shelf.
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Chauncy's wife says I do not think they are feeding the horse you bet on for this race, he just stopped running to eat the grass by the track.
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Chauncy's wife comes home from her intro to aerobics class. Chauncy says how did the synchonized wheezing class go?
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Chauncy enters the pub and sees the barkeep reading the news. He asks what is so interesting. The keep says there is an article here about a bloke who ran up a huge bar tab but never intended to pay it, yet constantly ordered more pints. Chauncy says tell me more about it but first how about getting me a pint on my tab.
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Chauncy tells his wife he is off to the pub, then asks if she wants to join him. She says no, she is watching a movie. He says ok, well, would your money like to come with me then?
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Chauncy and his wife are walking home when they spot a halloween decoration of a witch on a broom. He says to his wife, that image reminds me, when does your mum return from her vacation?
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Chauncy and his wife are watching the bride of frankenstein. Chauncy says if they ever want to do a remake of this movie they could use your mum as the bride without even needing makeup.
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Chauncy says to his wife, you know those halloween decorations that look like a witch crashed into something while riding a broom? Was your mum the model for them by chance?
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An apple a day keeps anyone away - if thrown hard enough !
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True kemma, too true lol.
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Chauncy says to his wife, so how much did your sister look like the wolfman before she had her laser hair removal done?
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Chauncy tells his wife he just saw her mum on the telly, he was watching the creature from the black lagoon
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Chauncy's wife is baking bread. Chauncy says whatever you do, do not drop it, we cannot afford to fix another hole in the floor.
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Chauncy and sean come in complaining, it is not fair, how could this happen. Chauncy's wife asks them what is wrong. They both say the pub closed early for inventory.
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Sean asks chauncy why they have to go all the way to the pub on the other side of town to go to the pub. Chauncy says my wife, her sister, and her mum are all in the pub by the house so the one they are going to is safer.
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Oops the one we are going to is safer
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The bank manager tells chauncy a secured loan means the collateral you put up must be worth the amount of the loan or more, your beer bottle collection does not qualify as collateral.
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Sean and chauncy notice the town has started recognizing local celebrities by putting up plaques in honour of their history in the town where they ate or studied, etc. Chauncy says I am well known in the town I should have a plaque too. Just as they get to the pub they notice a plaque that says chauncy got arrested here more than anyone.
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The doctor asks chauncy if he ever considered taking up swimming. Chauncy says I go swimming at least once a week. His wife says yes when you fall into the pond after leaving the pub.
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Chauncy comes into the pub complaining how he has just been banned from the new pub in town. Sean says wait, that pub is not even open yet. The barkeep says that is a new record even for chauncy.
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A salesman is demonstrating the new alexa device to chauncy. The salesman says if you want to hear a particular song just say play and the name of the song, or if you want to find oit some information you can tell it to look up something for you. Chauncy says can it make a sandwich and bring it and a beer to me, if not, not interested.
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The pastor sees chauncy on the street and says I presume you are off to the usual pub? Chauncy says not today. You know that new fancy art museum in town? The pastor says oh, yes. A much better choice than the pub. Chauncy says well right next to it is a new pub which is where I am off to.
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The constable calls chauncy's wife and says I have bad news for you, your husband is in jail. His wife says so what is the bad news, you are about to release him?
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The person asks chauncy what job he would be best at. Chauncy said sofa or bed tester and beer taster. Unfortunately there were no openings for such a job.
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Chauncy's wife calls the local pest control company. The owner tells her we take care of insects, rodents, and other infestations we do not do anything about husbands.
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Chauncy's wife tells him sean and his wife are going away for the weekend and asked them to feed their fish ehile they are gone. Chauncy says no problem, I can do it. His wife said by the way they also said there is no beer in their house. Chauncy says on second thought, you should feed the fish as you are more responsible.
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Chauncy's friend walks into the pub and says boy am I having a bad day I lost all my money on the horses. Which reminds me dont you owe me $20, perhaps you could pay it back. Chauncy says you are right, you are having a bad day and leaves.
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Chauncy is at the employment agency and is asked why he left his last job. He says delivering papers was making him late for school.
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Chauncy is once again trying to get a loan at the bank. He asks the manager what his chances are. The manager saus let me use a chart to demonstrate where we are with your loan. Here is a picture of a snowball it represents your loan. Accross from it is a flame thrower which demonstrates your chances when it is aimed at the snowball.
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The constable sees chauncy drunk and says you know, I have better things to do than to have to drag you to the station every night. Chauncy says well don't let me stop you go ahead and do them.
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The employment agent tells chauncy we have a company looking for skilled workers and unskilled workers. Chauncy says I do not fit into that grouping. The agent says which group, skilled or unskilled. Chauncy says worker.
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Sean is asked how he would describe his friendship with chauncy in one word. Sean said expensive.
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Chauncy's wife reads an article that says the cheetah is the fastest land animal on the planet. She says they never timed chauncy on his way to the pub.
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Chauncy's wife says you are flat broke how can you go to the pub? Chauncy says there is always a way. His wife responds I hope you are not going to beg money from your old friends. Chauncy saus of course not, I already owe all of them money, I have some new friends.
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Chauncy says he is tired of his wife yelling at him to get a job but he has a fix for it. He bought a pair of ear plugs.
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Chauncy limps into the pub, the barkeep asks what happened. Chauncy says he started a new exercise routine and sprained his ankle. The keep says did you trip while jogging or something? Sean says no, he fell over while putting on his sweatpants getting dressed to walk here.
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The pastor tells chauncy I noticed something in your ear during the service. Chauncy says oh, that was just my new hearing aid, I did not want to miss any of your sermon. The pastor says I see well explain why you yelled goal during the middle of it then?
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Chauncy says to sean ever notice how in the movies the terminator keeps coming back? Sean says yes just like you keeping coming back to borrow money
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Chauncy is laying on the ground. The constable sees him. Chauncy says I am a bit unsteady could you give me a lift. The constable says sure crawl into my car. Chauncy does so then finds himself in a cell and says, I meant a lift to my house.
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The agent at the employment office asks chauncy if he applied for any jobs during the week as required. Chauncy says yes, nasa engineer, and college professor. The agent says unless you apply for jobs you actually qualify for you will never get hired anyplace. Chauncy just smiled and left.
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Chauncy is out late and runs into the constable who asks where he is off to. Chauncy says not sure, have you a suggestion? The constable says how about home to your wife. Chauncy saus could we make this multiple choice?
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Chauncy comes home out of breath. His wife asks him what happened. He said he had been running. She says for exercise or to get away from the constables again? He says, let's just call it multitasking.
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Chauncy's wife is looking for him. She checks the couch, he is not napping there. She calls the pub, the pool hall, and the track, no luck. She checks the bed and sees him. She says you are in bed early. He replies, who says I ever got up?
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Chauncy's horse loses at the track. He says I was told that horse was certain to win, that he could walk past the others. His wife says well, he was walking, the problem is the others were galloping.
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Chauncy's wife says so your horse's name was hurricane. He looked more like a light drizzle in that race.
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The bank manager tells chauncy yes, you read the ad correctly, you can open an account here with less than $5 and yes, you can get overdraft protection immediately on the account but, you cannot use an IOU to open the account.
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Chauncy yells upstairs to his wife that her mum is there. She says well just talk to her for a moment, I will be right down. Chauncy goes to the door and saus through the closed door so did you walk here or come by broom?
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Chauncy's wife asks if you bet $2 on a horse ate 17 to 2 odds what do you get if it wins? Chauncy says in my case, a heart attack.
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Chauncy tells the barkeep that his wife is complaining that all he does is lie on his back all day. He then says so tomorrow I am going to prove her wrong by laying on my side.
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Sean tells chauncy technically his horse did not come in last as it never left the gate.
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Chauncy and his wife are walking when a bus passes them. His wife says her mum was on the bus and asks chauncy if he thinks she saw them. Chauncy gets hit on the head by a bottle of mustard thrown from the bus and says I am sure she did.
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Chauncy and his wife sit down to dinner after she had cooked it. He says burned fish and chips with a side of fire extinguisher residue, is this your new specialty?
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Chauncy's wife said why did you insult my mum like that? Chauncy says what insult, I said she looked like a famous singer. His wife said yes, specifically you said alice cooper.
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There is a knock at the door. Chauncy goes to the door then yells to his wife someone left an old bag on the front stoop. His wife says tell my mum I will be right down and stop calling her an old bag.
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The pastor sees Chauncy and tells him that there will be a meeting at the church on the topics of alcohol and fighting. The meeting starts at 7PM chauncy asks what time does the alcohol and fighting start.
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Chauncy's wife suggests he go to the barber as his hair is getting a little long. He says going to the barber is too depressing for him now. She asks why. He says because the barber now spends more time on his nose and ears than his head.
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Chauncy's wife says the trash needs to be put out. He says don't forget to lift with your leds not your back when you put it out.
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The pastor tells chauncy that he wants to talk to him about his gambling. Chauncy says ok, which horse do you like in the 2pm race?
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The bloke at the employment office tells chauncy I heard you were rude and obnoxious at the job interview I sent you on. Chauncy says well that your your fault, you told me to be myself.
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Chauncy is in the pub reading the newspaper and says my horoscope says today is my lucky day, a kind barkeep will give me a free refill. The barkeep says to bad you were not here yesterday then as that is yesterday's paper you are reading.
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Chauncy comes home and says he met an old school chum in town but his friend had changed as he only talks about money. His wife says how much do you owe him.
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Sean arrives late at the pub and asks what he missed. Chauncy says you just missed the world's worst karaoke singer get a standing ovation. Sean says what brought that on? Chauncy says he announced he is taking a vacation and will be gone for a few weeks.
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The barkeep sees chauncy standing outside the pub and goes to him then says why are you out here. Chauncy says I am waiting for sean. The keep says you can come in and have a pint without him you know. Chauncy says that may be but I cannot do so without his money.
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Chauncy and his wife are watching the telly. The movie of the night is mission impossible. As the title is displayed, chauncy says that reminds me how did it go for your mum and the beauty parlour?
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Someone once asked chauncy to join the local neighbourhood watch. He asked why join that? They said well what would you do if there were a bunch of drunks brawling on your street. Chauncy said I would join them.
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The constable sees chanucy headed to the pub and says I do not want any trouble from you tonight. Chauncy says oh, because it is the holiday season? The constable says not only that but we have too many people in the jail already no room for the likes of you.
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The news caster says there was a horrific sight at the mall that sent shoppers running in all directions. Chauncy aska his wife if her mum had gone shopping late at night again.
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Chauncy and his wife are having friends and family over for Christmas. His wife asks him to check on the drinks she had set out on the table. He says it looks good but what is everyone else going to drink?
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Sean asks chauncy if thid is how he pivtured his adult life when he was a child, in the pub drinking every night. Chauncy said not entirely, I pictured it as a much nicer pub.
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Chauncy tells sean his wife is on a healthy eating kick and made him a vegetarian dinner. Sean says well at least she did not serve you burned meat. Chauncy says true, just burned vegetables.
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Chauncy's wife is looking out thd window and comments that the neighbours are arguing. She says his wife has just thrown out his clothes and golf clubs. Chauncy says let me know if she throws out his new high definition telly.
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Chauncy is at thr employment office. The clerk asks him what type of job he is looking for. Chauncy says beer taster. The clerk says sorry we do not have any openings for beer tasters what other job would you want. Chauncy says whiskey taster.
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Chauncy's new doctor says in examining you and reading your file, it is clear you need to stop drinking and adopt a more healthy lifestyle. Later at the pub sean asks chauncy what the new doctor said. Chauncy says he is a quack and I need to seek another doctor.
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Chauncy's wife reads an advert that mud pack facials are half off at the parlour she goes to. She says her mum had one of them done and looked beautiful. Chauncy says yes, until they removed the mud.
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Chauncy looks out the window and sees it is pouring rain. He says it is not a fit night for anyone to venture out except someone who's mother in law has come for a visit and darts out into the rain to the pub.
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Chauncy's wife said the mall lost power for an hour. Chauncy says I hope your mum did not get stuck on the escalator like last time.
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Chauncy enters the pub. The barkeep says I hope you are not going to stand here by the bar and beg for drinks. Chauncy says of course not, I will do it by the door as they enter so they have more money.
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Chauncy comes home upset and says the clerk and the employment office was rude to him and used a four letter word. His wife says what word was that, work?
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The barkeep tells chauncy he has had enough. Chauncy looks at him at says which one of you said that and what makes you think I have had enough?
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Chauncy's friend jusy returned from holiday and is telling chauncy and his wife about the trip. He says the best part was the whale watching tour. Chauncy says you could stay right here and watch a whale. His friend says how's that? Chauncy says easy just go to the public pool and wait for my mother in law to go swimming.
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Chauncy tells the barkeep his wife got mad at him for having a short attention span. He says is it my fault I got bored holding the ladder while she cleaned the gutter and remembered there was a game on the telly?
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Chauncy and his wife are at the race track. His wife says at least your horse was neck and neck with the winner for a short time, too bad they opened the starting gate.
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The worst karaoke singer sing the song if I had a hammer. Chauncy says if I had a hammer you would be knocked out not singing right now.
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Chauncy buys a bicycle. His wife says what do you need that for all you ever do is go to the pub. Chauncy says a bicycle is good exercise, plus I can get to the pub in half the time.
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Chauncy wakes up from a nap and says I have no money for the track or the pub. Guess the only thing I can do is go for a walk, and it will be to Sean's to see if can lend me some money.
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Someone says to the barkeep they have never seen anyone drink as much as Chauncy, does he even have a limit? The keep says yes it does, his drinking is limited by how much money Sean has.
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Chauncy enters the pub with a bandage on his finger. The barkeep asks him what happened. He says I was just minding my own business picking up some money when my wife suddenly snapped her purse closed with my hand still inside.
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Chauncy is unable to sleep. Someone suggested he try counting sheep but it did not work. He then tried counting the number of time he had been thrown out of the pub and fell asleep.
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Chauncy's wife says her mum is knitting herself a new sweater. Chauncy says that would explain the truck load of yarn I saw in town.
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Chauncy is asking the bank manager for a loan. The manager says looking at your credit history, we have two options for you. Chauncy says oh? The manager says yes, you can walk out or I have you thrown out.
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Chauncy tries to call the police to report theft but when they ask what was stolen, he said someone drank his pint while he was in the loo. The police hung up on him.
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Chauncy's wife said she is contemplating getting a pet for her mum as a companion animal. Chauncy suggested a cobra.
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The bank manager asks chauncy about what he termed as the plan on his loan application garunteed to pay back the loan. Chauncy says yes, the plan is the name of the horse garunteed to win the 2 pm race. Loan denied.
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Chauncy enters the pub barely able to speak. The keep asks him what's wrong. Chauncy manages to say he got home late but forgot his key. He yelled through the mail slot for his wife to open the door when the flap snapped closed on his tongue.
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Chauncy's wife comes home and asks how does bacon sandwiches soud for dinner. Chauncy says well... his wife says think carefully before you answer as I had a bad day, came home in the rain, am tired and soaked plus I am carrying an umbrella with a sharp point on the tip. Chauncy says well if you put it that way bacon sandwiches sound quite good.
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Chauncy's wife says she found a picture of chauncy with some of his old high school friends. She asks if he ever thought of looking them up. He said no as he still owes all of them money.
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Chauncy is on trial for fighting. His lawyer says chauncy is working on his anger management and impulse control issues. The judge says I find that hard to believe given he is presently fighting with the prosecutor.
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The bloke at the employment agency tells chauncy he has set two records one for being unemployed the longest and the second for the number of failed interviews he has been sent on. He tells chauncy I have lined up another job interview for you for this afternoon. Do try to say something positive about yourself at this interview. During the interview chauncy mentions he holds two records. The interviewer then asks what they are for. Chauncy's records continue to grow.
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Chauncy's wife says look at you sleeping until 10am, napping all afternoon, then spending all night at the pub now what do you call that? Chauncy says a perfect day.
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Sean asks chauncy if they should go back to the new pub or stick with their usual one. Chauncy says let's stick with our usual pub. Sean asks why. Chauncy says last time we went to that new pub you spent so much time sucking in your stomach trying to impress the barmaid that you passed out.
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Chauncy says to sean we are stuck in the same old routine. Everyday we walk the same route to the pub, drink a few pints then leave. Sean says how about next time we take the bus instead of walking to break up the routine.
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Chauncy sees the constable as he is walking to the pub. The constable says I am not up for any troublemaking tonight chauncy. Chauncy says I should think not you being a constable and all.
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Chauncy tells the doctor he can drink and drink but never seems to get full. The doctor says how long has this been a problem for you? Chauncy says what problem, I enjoy it.
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Chauncy's wife comes home complaining about the check out clerk at the store. Chauncy says were you using the self checkout again?
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The barkeep sees chauncy come in and says thank goodness you are here it is dead tonight. Now all I need is for sean to come in to buy your pints and actually make some money.
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Sean says I have gone cashless with my new debit card. Chauncy says wait how do I borrow money from you then?
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The bloke at the employment office tells chauncy we need to modify your resume a little starting with the objective section where you state not to get arrested.
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As the constable is taking chauncy off to jail he says you are stuck in a routine you know that. Chauncy says well how about we take a different route to the jail tonight?
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Chauncy tells sean he had asked his wife to make a sandwich f9r him but she said she was too busy. Sean asks well what was she doing at the time. Chauncy says she was on a ladder painting the ceiling how hard is it to climb down make the sandwich then go back to painting.
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The pastor sees chauncy a bit bruised and hungover. He says I take it you were brawling in the pub again last night. Chauncy says not at all, this happened today.
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The barkeep says to chauncy, I see you are off to dinner at home. Chauncy says what makes you say that? The keep says the fact that your wife just came in carrying a rolling pin and is right behind you.
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Chauncy's wife is starting a new diet and is making her shopping list consisting of lettuce, celery, carrots, cucumbers, and tomatoes she says now what else do I need. Chauncy says a rabbit to eat the other items you listed.
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Chauncy told his wife her tacos tasted so much like they came from mexico that he could taste a sombrero in them. He is now in the er having a cooking pot removed from his head.
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Chauncy's wife says she found a new recipie for vegan burgers no meat in them at all. He says and how is that different from your other burgers?
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Sean reads a review about the pub to the barkeep. It said a quaint yet cozy pub just avoid the bloke named chauncy unless you want to buy him pints all night.
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The people at the pub were debating what the greatest urban myth is. Sean said I know one no one would believe, there is a rumor the chauncy once bought a round at a pub.
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Chauncy's wife says she just spoke with her mum but she seemed irritated. Chauncy says not to worry, she probably just fell off her broom last night.
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The constable takes chauncy to jail. The sergeant asks what he is in for. The constable says disturbing the peace by singing loudly in the street. The sergeant says that does not sound too bad. The constable replies yes but it was in front of your house waking up your wife and kids. The sergeant says lock him up.
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The constable arrested chauncy for drunk and disorderly as he had been in a fight at the pub. The constable is reading the report to the sergeant and says the fight started when chauncy called his opponent in a pool game a cheating rat. Chauncy says if you are going to arrest me please get it right, I called him a ferret faced cheat not a rat.
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Chauncy complains to the doctor that everytime he sees him, he tells him to stop drinking. The doctor says so perhaps you should do something about it. Chauncy says I will, I am switching doctors.
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Chauncy's wife comes home and says she is tired of seeing him laying on the couch every day when she comes home from work. Chauncy says where would you prefer to see me laying?
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Chauncy's mother in law arrives to pick up her daughter for dinner. Chauncy tells his wife her mum is there. She tells him to chat with her mum for a moment until she is ready to go. Chauncy says to her mum so I see your latest diet attempt failed. His wife says never mind I am here.
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Chauncy asks his wife if they should dine al freco and be fancy. She says she would love to. He says great there is a food truck around the corner we can get dinner and eat as we walk home.
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Chauncy's wife says she is making one of her mum's secret recipies for dinner. As they sit down to eat, she asks what he thinks of the food. He says your mum should have kept this a secret.
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As the constable is hauling chauncy off to the jail, he says you should know attempting to bribe an officer is a crime and besides I do not take I O Us
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Chauncy says to the barkeep that he needs to get more paying customers in the pub. The keep says to do that I need to first get rid of the non-paying customers who borrow money from the paying ones.
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Chauncy tells the pastor he is cutting down on drinking for the month. The pastor says that is very commendable, what brought this change on? Chauncy says sean is away on holiday.
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The constable tells chauncy the cells are full so I am going to habe to take you home to your wife. Chauncy says I am sure if you look hard you can find space for me at the jail instead.
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Chauncy's lawyer says my client is an upstanding citizen and pillar of the community. The judge says then why is chauncy the one in the defendant's box?
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Chauncy's wife tells him her mum just had her picture professionally taken at a studio in town. Chauncy says how much does she owe them for the cameras that broke in the process?
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Chauncy's wife tells him her mum is on a diet. Chauncy says so which of her ten meals per day is she going to cut down on?
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Chauncy asks his friend who's turn is it to buy a round. His friend says I bought the last two. Chauncy says ah then is must be sean's turn as he calls sean over to the table.
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Chauncy shows sean the new smart phone his wife bought him. He says it has everything on it, internet, email, text, taking pictures etc. Sean says you do not know how to tirn it on do you? Chaincy says not really.
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Chauncy's wife enters the pub and tells the keep chauncy has had enough and asks for a glass of water. Sean says I have never seen chauncy drink water. The keep says I do not think she plans on him drinking it as his wife pours the water over chauncy.
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Chauncy tells sesn he got a limo to take them out for their anniversary but his wife complained. Sean asks why she complained. Chauncy says seems she wanted to ride in the back with me.
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Chauncy's wife sees him laying on the couch and says it is 4 PM surely there is something better you could be doing at this time. Chauncy says well, I would be sleeping if it were not for the construction going on outside.
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Chauncy's wife sees him laying on the couch and says it is 4 PM surely there is something better you could be doing at this time. Chauncy says well, I would be sleeping if it were not for the construction going on outside.
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Chauncy's wife sees him laying on the couch and says it is 4 PM surely there is something better you could be doing at this time. Chauncy says well, I would be sleeping if it were not for the construction going on outside.
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Chauncy says he enjoys fishing as it gives him time to think. Sean asks what do you think about? Chauncy says going to the pub mostly.