a little laugh :-)

[familure{TD}]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[familure{TD}]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"

[Mercilayne]

-jdl-

[RAGNAR]

LMTAO

[familure{TD}]

Dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

[Mercilayne]

-bol-  oh thank you for sharing!!

[Elisa Windrider]

Hehe......has had wayyy too much candy

[Taryn]

Stripper Pole FAIL!

[RAGNAR]

Stripper Pole FAIL!

"Instant Asshole"

Just add alcohol.

[familure{TD}]

so true, it's scary!

[familure{TD}]

A female officer pulls over a man for drunk driving and places him under arrest.

 "You're under arrest, anything you say can and will be held against you."

 Drunk feller says,

 "Titties!"


**************************************





**************************************





**************************************


Children Are Quick


**____________________________________
 *
 *TEACHER: Why are you late?
 STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
 --------------------------------------------------------
 TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
 **MARIA: Here it is.
 **TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
 **CLASS: Maria..
 ____________________________________
 TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication
 on the floor?
 JOHN: You told me to do it without
 using tables. __________________________________________
 **TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
 **GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
 **TEACHER: No, that's wrong
 **GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I
 spell it. **(I Love this child)
 **____________________________________________
 **TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
 **DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
 **TEACHER: What are you talking about?
 **DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
 __________________________________
 TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
 that we didn't have ten years ago.
 WINNIE: Me!
 __________________________________________
 TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
 GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than
 you are.
 _______________________________________
 **TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with '
 I. '
 **MILLIE: I is..
 **TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
 **MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of
 the alphabet.'
 ________________________________
 **TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his
 father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
 Now, Louie, do you know why his father
 didn't punish him?
 **LOUIS: Because George still
 had the axe in his hand.....
 ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now,
 Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
 SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good
 cook.
 ______________________________
 TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is
 exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
 CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

 (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
 ___________________________________
 TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
 talking when people are no longer interested?
 HAROLD: A teacher
 **__________________________________

[RAGNAR]

BOLMTAO

[Mercilayne]

-jdl-

[Mercilayne]

Dear Tide:


I am writing to say
What an excellent product You have.
I've used it all of my married life,
As my Mom always told me
It was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine
On my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband
Started to belittle
Me about how clumsy I was,
And generally started becoming
A pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow
I ended up with his blood
On my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle
Of Tide with bleach alternative,
To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out
So well the detectives
Who came by yesterday
Told me that the DNA tests
On my blouse were negative
And then my attorney called
And said that I was no longer considered a suspect in
The disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!
Going through menopause
Is bad enough
Without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again,
For having a great product.

Well, gotta go,
Have to write to
The Hefty bag people.

[RAGNAR]

*Quadruple facepalm*