Since this has been on my mind and with the recent posts on the boards, figure now is a good time to let you all in on what's honestly keeping me away. (as always, it will be rambling)
First off, MTC has been and will always be the only home in cyber space I have ever known. Gor is the only realm that I, the typist, has ever dabbled in and has ever really cared to jump into. You see, familure has never been simply just a character, nor has Gor been simply role playing. Stepping into camp for the first time, oh so many many years ago, was done to explore a side of myself that the real world had always told me was not proper, nor acceptable to have. This place was a safe haven for me, allowing the submissive side to come out. For years it was the one place it felt ok and encouraged me to be the real me and not the person the world at large expected me to be. Every single misspelled word, every mile long run on sentence, each age long post, came from the heart and soul of woman sitting at the keyboard, nothing was faked. The struggle to paint the world around, the feelings, the smells was very real on this end. Years ago, someone came up with the term soul player...that phrase always seemed to fit me much more accurately than simply a role player. The folks who have met the blonde face to face might just understand all that, those who haven't...I honestly hope that all made sense.
Camp became home, the members family...even with all the drama that has gone on since December, 2004. Yes, there's always been something, and we always became closer because of it back then. In the beginning, all the he said she said crap taught me to keep some of my thoughts and feelings to myself, or at least shared quietly with a very select few. In the beginning, it was hard, full of tears...Muse and Raz would have me repeating every single action in order to correct mistakes and missteps. Heck for almost 6 months, familure was alone in the med wagon doing nothing but mending and odd sewing, so self study was the way it went. There was so much pride when kelsey finally rescued the shadow dweller and pheobe tested the still very unknown out of kettle and into mat status, then a few days later into Sr. mat. It was a pride that can honestly only be described as pride in the collar. Showing that the time, care, and dedication had been taken in pouring over every single page (back then there were two sets) to learn about the home, the culture and the world we all created when we came together, without complaining about no one taking the time to hold my hand. It was amazing how awesome it felt to do well for camp, the members of camp and the camp collar.
Anyways, time has changed. Here has changed. I have changed.
A few years back, things started to change inside with me. Coming into camp became more difficult with life outside making more demands. Instead of being able to dive into this world, allowing that girl inside to take over...Owner(s) vanishing, OOC pming....ICQ...MSN....drama, rt chit chat, back stabbing, name calling, rumors, lies.....they all crept in. Some thing else happened as well, something that does not need discussed here, but impacted me more than I would care to admit.
With all those things adding up, it became almost impossible to find the inspiration to return. In the last couple of years, the submissive side has been locked away, real life has become sideways more often than not, and almost all creativity has vanished from inside.
These are the reasons (though some will most likely call them excuses) that familure has become nothing more than a name on a roster.
This is not a shelving, nor a rant, or even an attempt to point fingers. Just wanted to let everyone know at the same time, in the same words...honestly, why I haven't been around in a long time and most likely won't be in the camp for some time to come.
Much love to all of you~
me
