a little laugh :-)

[familure{TD}]

~looking over the list of things to say to a naked guy, toes digging into the ground before simply slinking behind my Mistress...and try...really, really hard not to laugh~

[prism {*RgR*1*}]

LMAO~

adds...

Well, my first idea is shot..

LOL

[sinnocent]

chuckles... dang thats cold... wonders if it works on... well never mind.. will just find out lol

[sinnocent]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
 
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.

 

[Raziel]

If couples are petitioning for heterosexual marriage, meaning homosexual is predominant, then why are there abortion clinics available in every high school?

 

Raz

[Amber]

Cause by that time, scientists will have figured out how to make Men be pregnant!  Or..one could hope.

[sinnocent]

(Proofreading is a dying art, would you say?)
 
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day. 
 
 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
 

 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
 
Now that's taking things a bit far!
 


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
 
What a guy! 

 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
 
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
 
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
 

War Dims Hope for Peace
 
I can see where it might have that effect!

 
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
 
Ya think?!
 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
 
Who would have thought!

 
Enfield (  London  ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 
 
They may be on to something!
 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
 
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!

 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
 
He probably IS the battery charge!
 
 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
 
Weren't they fat enough?!
 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
 
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
 
 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
 
Do they taste like chicken'?
 

Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half;
 
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
 
 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
 
Boy, are they tall!
 

And the winner is....
 
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  
     Did I read that right?
 

[sinnocent]

A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop asks for his drivers license and the guy
says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy says,
"It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name
because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed
the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the
trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment.
At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands
in sight and he radios for back-up.
When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story
and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor
asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands
it over and it is valid with the guys real name and
information.
The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy
says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor
tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks
around to the passenger side and opens the glove
compartment. There is the registration in the guys
name and everything seems in order.
Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open
the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing
there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the
other cop had told him. The guy says "I'll bet that
lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"

[sinnocent]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here
to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of
the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude drew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the
watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
 
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ...

[Kitya]

As the mother of a toddler.. I only have one word for that last one... EEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

[sinnocent]

-chuckles- sorry Mistress.... but believe me working with Infants now and having worked with older people in the past... as ewww as it is... younger is better... lol

[Kitya]

OH I can believe that... *grin* less surface area.

[sinnocent]

Three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
over
lunch and conversation turns to their relationships. The three women
decided that night to surprise their men. All three would wear a black
leather bra and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.

A few days later the three women meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman said, "The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He
saw me
and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made
love
all night long."

The mistress said, "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his
office
and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
wild
sex for hours.

The married woman said, "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house
for
the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra,
black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door,
looked at me and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?"'


lol

[sinnocent]

 An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for
 several years.  He had a large pond in the back. It was
 properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with pic nic tables,
 horseshoe  courts, and some apple, and peach  trees

 One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
 pond, as he Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
 He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
 As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
 Glee.   As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
 Skinny-dipping in his pond. 
 He made the women aware of his presence and
 they all went to the deep end One of the women shouted to him, 'we're
 not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here
 to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
 naked.'Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to
 feed the alligator.'
 
Some old men can still think fast.

[sinnocent]

I don't know if these are true or not, and I really don't care.  They're hilarious.
 

 Proof That The World Is Nuts

 In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with
 animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual
 relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
 (Like THAT makes sense.)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a
 woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking
 directly at them during the examination.. He may only see
 their reflection in a mirror.
 (Do they look different reversed?)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
 corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of
 the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood
 at all times.
 (A brick?)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
 (Much worse than 'going blind!')
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
 countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
 privilege of having sex for the first time
 Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
 virgins to marry.
 (Let's just think for a minute; is thereany job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill
 her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare
 hands.
 The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be
 killed in any manner desired.
 (Ah! Justice!)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but
 only in tropical fish stores.
 (But of course!)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 In Cali, Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her
 husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be
 in the room to witness the act.
 (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
 In Santa Cruz, Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have
 sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
 (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to
 pass this law?)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
 machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed
 from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic
 beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
 ( Is this a great country or what?
 Well, not as great as Guam !)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 Banging your head against a wall uses
 150 calories an hour.
 (Who volunteers for these tests?)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
 (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times
 its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
 (From drinking little bottles of???)
 (Did our government pay for this research??)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 Butterflies taste with their feet.
 (Ah, geez.)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
 (I know some people like that.)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 Starfish don't have brains.
 (I know some people like that, too.)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 And, the best for last?

 Turtles can breathe through their butts.
 (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)