a little laugh :-)

[prism {*RgR*1*}]

CURRENT MEDICAL ADVICE!!


Q.I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

[Salem]

[sinnocent]

Menopause Jewelry
     My husband, being unhappy with my mood

 swings,bought me a mood ring the other day so he would

 be able to monitor my moods.We've discovered that when

 I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad

 mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe

 next time he'll buy me a diamond.   Dumb &#$#@.

[sinnocent]

Blonde Wins One

 Remember the day!!

 Date: Saturday, September 20, 2008, 12:01 PM

 A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
 He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights
 and a pair of running  boards.'
 
 The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear
 stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This
 guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of
 headlights and a pair of running Boards.What does he think
 this place is, an auto parts store?'
 
 'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean
 three pancakes, a pair of  headlights is two eggs sunny
 side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
 'Oh, OK!' said the blonde.
 
 She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a
 bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
 The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'


 
     I LOVE THIS ONE..........
 
 'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for
 the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as
 well gas up!
 FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!

[sinnocent]

http://objflicks.com/thoseoldwesterns.htm

for any of ya'll older like myself.. who can remember the days.... enjoy... this was very well done put on your ears.. sit back and remember

[sinnocent]

 Ole and  Lena


 Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I  t'ink
 its time!' So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took  her to the
 hospital to have their first baby.
 
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over  at Ole
 and  said, 'Hey, Ole! You yust had a son! Ain't dat
 great! ' Vell, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the  doctor
 spoke up and he said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished  yet!'
 The doctor den held up a little girl. He said,  'Hey,
 Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting,
 too....' Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the  doctor said,
 'Holey Moley, Ole, we still ain't done yet!'
 The  doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Ole, you yust had youself
 another boy!' Ole was flabbergasted by this  news!
 
 A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and the  their
 t'ree  children home in the self-propelled combine. He  was real
 serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got t'ree on  the
 first try?'Lena said, 'You remember dat night  we ran out of K-Vy
 Yelly and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere  3-in-1
 Oil?' Ole said, 'Yeah, I do. Uffda!, it's a dam good
 t'ing I didn't get the  WD-40!'

[prism {*RgR*1*}]

The  Brothel
 
 
 
The  madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or  early fifties.
 
 
'May  I help you sir?' she asked.
'I  want to see Valerie,' the man replied.


'Sir,  Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
 
'No,  I must see Valerie,' he replied.
 
Just  then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she
charged $5000 a visit.

  Without  hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly  left.
 
The  next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie  explained that no one had ever come back two
nights in a row as she was  too expensive.But there were no
 discounts.The price was still  $5000.
Again,  the man pulled out the money,  gave it to Valerie,
and they went upstairs. After an hour, he  left.
The  following night the man was there yet again. Everyone
was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but
 he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
 
After  their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one
has ever been with  me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The  man replied, ' Ontario '
'Really',  she said. 'I have family in Ontario
 
'I  know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and
I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000  inheritance.'
 
The  moral of the story is that three things in life are
certain.
1.  Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 

[Kitya]

*face palms*

[prism {*RgR*1*}]

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:
 
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
 
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
 
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
 
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
 
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they
won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
 
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
 
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
 
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
 
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
 
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
 
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can g et the milk for free? here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
 
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

[Salem]

LOL

[Salem]

10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Amber]

Uhm.  No comment -smiles sweetly-

[RAGNAR]

ROTFLMTAO!!!

[prism {*RgR*1*}]

and Salem gets his second "HELL YEAH"  from me for the night.. LOL..

I am emailing these to my daughter because we just had this sort of conversation last night.. and I explained to her that any man that wanted to be involved with her had BETTER treat her like the wonderful woman that she is or I will kill him plain and simple. I know how and can hide the body... LOL

[Salem]

Coolest. Webcomic. Ever.

http://www.lfgcomic.com/