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Gorean Roleplay => Tuchuk Wagon Camp => MTC OOC => Topic started by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:22:57 PM

Title: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:22:57 PM
((started by Mistress Savi~s~))

You know you are addicted to the Internet, when...



You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.

You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your kid in the overhead compartment.

Your dreams are in HTML.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.

You turn your computer off and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address printed on the TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of the room and realize that your roomates have moved and you don't have any idea when it happened.

You turn up the volume read loud when leaving the room so you can hear if anyone IM's you.

You wife drapes a blond wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

Looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice that you've been to all of them.

Your dog has its own webpage.

You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17" LCD Flat-Panel Monitor.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You code your homework in HTML and give your intsructor the URL.

You don't know what sex your three of your closest friends are, because they have nuetral screennames and you never bothered to ask.

You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger

You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest MP3's off Kazaa Lite.

You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back.

Your virtual girlfriend finds a new sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.

You buy a Captain Kirk Chair with a built in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer can not come to bed"

The last hottie you picked up was only a jpg.

You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while you're pretending to catch your breath.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

You forget what year it is.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You ask a doctor to implant a terrabyte in your brain.

Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other anytime.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

You start using smileys in your snail mail

You bring a bag lunch to the computer.

You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.

You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

You type faster than you think.

You double click your TV remote.

You can now type over 70 WPM.

You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail.

You go into withdrawals during dinner.

You rank your friends by the amount of bandwith they have.

You have "Googled" all your friends to try to find out anything interesting that they are not telling you and you can use against them later.

You message someone via IM when they are less than 20 feet away.

The sound of the keys clicking turns you on.

You have more browsers than friends in the real world.

You actually say I-M-O and A-T-M to real friends rather than 'in my opinion' and 'at the moment'. And they give you strange looks.

You run four chat programs all at once... Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, AIM and MSN

You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

The letters have come off your keyboard from excessive use.

You order pizza online - because you can't be bothered to call.

You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.

You're on the phone and say BRB.

The last movie you've seen was on your Quicktime player.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to the internet.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:23:51 PM
((origanlly posted by Mistress Savi))

When I was a child in the 1960s the bathing suit for the mature figure was
boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were
built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch
fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a
potato chip. The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can
wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a
sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber
bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice
and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by
NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus
which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself
into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe
at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way
into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I
gasped in horror my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob
cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I
located it flattened beside my seventh rib.. The problem is that modern
bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs
spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and
lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit
fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to
stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and
sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As
I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you
are!", she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure
and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that
made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave
the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring. I struggled into a
pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like
Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a
black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried
on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax
my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fit . . ... a
two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It
was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous
search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label
which read -- "Material might become transparent in water." So, if you
happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm
there too ... I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt!
  ;)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:24:36 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"

After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:26:20 PM
((originally posted by tigress{CJH}))

(Can't even remember where I found this, but I love it! *G)

RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE & & &
>
> We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
>
> # 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
>
> # 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
>
> # 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
>
> # 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
>
> # 1. Crying is blackmail.
>
> # 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!
>
> # 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
>
> # 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
>
> # 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Please pick one.
>
> # 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
> # 1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a
doctor.
>
> # 1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you
hear it.
>
> # 1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
> # 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
act like soap opera guys.
>
> # 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer, but still love you.
>
> # 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
> # 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
>
> # 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
>
> # 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what Mauve is.
>
> # 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
>
> # 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
>
> #1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
>
> # 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
>
> # 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really, you look fine!!!
>
> # 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
>
> # 1. NASCAR is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
>
> # 1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape
>
> # 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like campin'
 
 
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:27:12 PM
((originally posted by Master Larn))

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge

Against the complete tw@t who made you sad

When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I'll know you finally got a sh@g.

When you are scared, I will tease you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you to shut up and tell you how much worse it could be.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to you, divvy!

When you are sick, stay the hell away from me until you're well again.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at you!

This is my oath, I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend!

P.S. A friend will help you move house. A true friend will help you move a body!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:28:03 PM
((originally posted by wyldechylde{MTC}))

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.


So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.


After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."


"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."


She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!


My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.


Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!


"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.


"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.


It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.


Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.


If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"


This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:29:06 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in
St.Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge
Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of
these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well.The photographer asked them to sit on the
sofa, and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAID, WE
GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other. "Now get a little closer
together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE
TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on
for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet
again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" ... "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin
the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:30:02 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

my all time favorite:
 ;D



One Man sits in the airplane next to another, they immediately note that
each of them has a black eye. The first asks the second "Oh mind if I ask
how you got that black eye?" The second replies "Well, actually it was a
tongue twister accident. At the counter I saw that gorgeous blonde with
those fantastic tits and instead if saying "A ticket to Pitsburgh please" I
accidentally said "A ticket to Titsburgh please" - and she shooked Me a good
one." - "Oh!" replies the other Man, "what a coincidence! Mine was actually
a tongue twister accident, too. This morning during the breakfast I wanted
to say to my wife "Honey, would you please pour me another bowl of
Frosties?" but accidentally  I said "You ruined my life you evil fat slag".
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:31:13 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))

If you have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say cool whip on the side... You might be a redneck...

If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner...You might be a redneck...

If your wife says she's game and you shoot her... You might be a redneck...

If your pantylines can be seen from aerial photographs... You might be a redneck...

If you've ever been accused of lying through your tooth... You might be a redneck...

If you dog passes gas, and you claim it... You might be a redneck...

If you've ever used your ironing boards as a buffet table... You might be a redneck...

If you've ever taken a six pack of beer to a funeral... You might be a redneck...

If your wife has ever said move this transmission, so I can take a bath... You might be a redneck...

If your neighbors think you are a detective because a cop always brings you home... You might be a redneck...

If you think a quarter horse, is that ride infront of KMart... You might be a redneck...

If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty... You might be a redneck...

If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour... You might be a redneck...

If you ever sat on the toilet until you legs fell asleep... You might be a redneck...

If your daughter's barbie dream house, has a clothes line in the front yard... You might be a redneck...

If an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger, changed your life... You might be a redneck...

If someone tells you that you have something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is... You might be a redneck...

If you wear a dress that's strapless and a bra that isn't... You might be a redneck...

If you've ever stared at a glass of orange juice, because it said concentrate... You might be a redneck...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:33:38 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a
brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the
only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for
the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a
brain cost?" The doctor responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to
smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man
unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to
ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish
innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing
procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because
they've actually been used."
 ;D :P ;)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:34:43 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM . "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about PATIENCE. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. " Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me ESP . "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS. " Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:35:24 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

Handy dictionary to decipher Personals Ads ...
-----------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish...................... 49
Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends
Athletic.................... No tits
Average looking............. Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated.................... Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated
Feminist.................... Fat ball buster
Free spirit................. Junkie
Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun......................... Annoying
Gentle...................... Comatose
Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic
New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............... Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded................. Desperate
Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk
Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional................ Certified Bitch
Redhead..................... Bad dye-job
Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat
Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light
Social...................... Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous.................. Very Fat
Weight proportion w/height.. Hugely Fat-as tall as you are wide
Wants Soul mate............. Stalker
Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart.............. Old bat



MEN'S ADS

40-ish...................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic.................... Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking............. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated.................... Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit................. Banging your sister
Friendship first............ As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun......................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking................ Arrogant
Very good looking........... Dumb as a board
Honest...................... Pathological Liar
Huggable.................... Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle............. Insecure mama's boy
Mature...................... Older than your father
Open-minded................. Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit.............. Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet........................ Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive................... Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive.............. Gay
Spiritual................... Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable...................... Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful.................. Says "Excuse me" when he farts
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:36:04 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

There was chill in the air.

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below your waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:36:40 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

Dogs Diary:


8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 pm - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVORITE!

6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!

6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!



******************************


Cats Diary:


My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild Satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, I must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, It is only a matter of time...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:38:13 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

You know the "online sob-stories"?
Here is another one...


My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying.The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves.The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag.Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too.Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.Please help me! Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10! If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless person who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell.What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its poop in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.Thank You,

Billy "Smiles" Evans
 
 
 
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:39:24 PM
((originally posted by lotus{~D~}))

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:40:43 PM
((originally posted by prism{*RgR*1*}))

Two very elderly sisters were sitting in a car in the middle of the night, in a car lot in the middle of town.

Along came a police officer on his patrols, and he noticed the car in the car lot and what looked to be occupants, so he pulled into the lot and went over to the car and tapped on the window with his flashlight.  The sister in the driver's seat rolled the window down and smiled sweetly.. "Yes, officer?" ..

Is everything okay?
Yes officer.
Why are you sitting in this car?
Oh, it is our car, officer.
Let me see the registration.

so they pull the registration out of the glovebox, hand it to the officer and.. indeed it is owned by two sisters.
Thinking that because they are elderly, they might be "forgetful".. the officer says with a patient smile...

Why don't you two just drive this car on home, it's late and you should be safely at home..
We can't.
Why not?
We don't have driver's licenses.

Now confused and getting a bit axious over the matter, the officer asks them

If you don't have driver's licenses, why do you have the car and why are you parked here in this lot in the middle of the night?

to which they replied..


we heard that if you bought a car here, you would get screwed in the deal. Now we are waiting.

 ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:41:51 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Kitya))

A man walks into a bar that is located on the top floor of a building. He sits down on a stool at the bar, orders a drink and looks around. Seeing that it is only he and one other customer there he begins a conversation with him. After some small talk the other customer tells him that this is a very unique bar.  The location of this building is such that the wind comes right up the side of the building and is so strong that it will actually hold a grown man in midair.

The man, of course, is skeptical of this claim, but the other insists that this is true and proves it by walking over to the window, opening it, climbing out and standing in midair. The man, of course, has never seen anything like this and says so, but is nervous about trying this himself. The other man comes back in and continues drinking. After a few more rounds the man looks at the other and asks if he's SURE the wind can really support a man's weight. The other goes back to the window, opens it, and again climbs out to stand in mid air.

Amazed the man insists on trying this, so the other man climbs back thru the window and moves out of the way. The man climbs out of the window and immediately hurtles down to the ground, dying on impact. The other man returns to the bar and picks up his drink. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and says,


"You're MEAN when you're drunk Superman!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:42:39 PM
((originally posted by wyldechylde{MTC}))

No sex tonight?

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed .. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."  She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don 't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a Baffled .. WHAT???!!!" I then said,  "Really honey!  I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:43:07 PM
((originally posted by wyldechylde{MTC}))

breast or bottle

The good Doctor O'Cologiste. . .

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:44:26 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

LOL wylde

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an
exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that
the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his
overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer
his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do
anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,
for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition
was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew
his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he
pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly,
meaningfully said, "Paint .. my .. house."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:45:06 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets
up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in
the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in
the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The
drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and
she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:47:42 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))

I heard this story a few times on the radio, and decided to look the story up, and to my surprise, I found out that what was read on the air was "edited", and reasons are in the story below...


Pooh Goes Apeshit


by A.A. Milne

Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees whispered to each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree, there lived Pooh bear. From inside Pooh's house, there came a steady bang...bang... bang!, that was making his honey jars rattle on the sideboard. The light came through the window, and in the evening sun Pooh raised the axe once more and brought it down on the tattered remains of Christopher Robin.

"Why...won't... he...fit..." puffed Pooh to himself as the axe came down once more.

There was a small pile of earth, and a hole next to it, which Pooh had hidden with his favourite rug. Christopher Robin, selfish prat that he was, didn't quite fit in the hole Pooh had dug, so instead of making it wider he had decided to hack Christopher Robin's legs off.

"A far more sensible idea", thought Pooh, and hummed a little song to himself as he cut the last tendon and rammed the rest of the body in the hole, finally covering it up with the rug.

"Always too bossy", thought Pooh, "Always too bossy, always grabbing me by the paw and saying 'Come on Pooh lets have an adventure' or 'Pooh you are silly!' in that affected cutesy spoilt brat voice, and his stupid little shorts - bastard!"

Pooh had waited all afternoon for Christopher Robin to come round, humming a little tuneless song to himself whilst gazing blankly into the fire and fondling the oaken handle of the axe. When C.R. had finally turned up, squeaking in his child-actor voice "Come on Pooh! Open Up!", Pooh had answered the door normal as anything, talked about the weather, and then went to the cupboard and fetched the axe. While C.R. had sat there, prattling on about what a silly bear Pooh was and how he had very little brain (which wound Pooh up no end) Pooh had raised the axe high and brought it down with a satisfying thud on Christopher Robin's skull, cleaving it virtually in two, with just some muscle fibre in place to keep the pieces upright, and freezing C.R's eyes wide in horror that Pooh, lovable Pooh, could do such a thing! Pooh giggled a little and wiped some saliva from his mouth with a shaky paw. Then Pooh, calm as anything, had mopped up the blood, washed the axe and begun to dig the hole.

Piglet had wondered why Pooh had not called for him that morning, to have his tea and biscuits, and so he decided to visit Pooh instead. He admired the evening sun, blood red, and listened to the birds singing. Pooh watched him get nearer and nearer, and plugged in the drill.

Piglet had no time to realise what had happened - the drill pierced his skull, sending a beautiful fountain of blood all over Pooh's orange hide. He rubbed the blood in and all over himself, licking, licking, always licking. Then he pulled Piglet inside and put him in the cupboard. The syringe lay on the sideboard, and Pooh picked it up, paws shaking and sweating, and filled it full of solution of the funny white powder that had been given to him by a strangely spaced-out Rabbit. It was a strange effect at first, and Pooh thought he had seen many strange things, but then experienced a euphoric feeling of power. It made him irritable, and C.R. and Piglet had everything that was coming to them, no doubt at all. When night had fully fallen, Pooh dragged the bodies out and buried them in a makeshift grave.

"Adios, dear 'friends'", Pooh giggled, "Things are going to change around the 100-acre wood now I'm in charge" he laughed hysterically and went indoors.

The next day Tigger and Roo made their way happily to Pooh's house, to see if he knew where C.R. and Piglet were, as no-one had seen them since yesterday. They were sure Pooh would know, as he had had tea with Piglet yesterday and was meant to be playing Pooh-sticks with C.R. in the morning.

When they reached Pooh's house the door was wide open and Pooh was nowhere to be seen. Tigger and Roo looked inside Pooh's house and noticed a large hole in Pooh's floor and a notice was stuck on the wall with a large blob of congealing honey "OWT CHAGIG THE DRAGGN" (spelling had never been one of Pooh's strong points).

"That's odd", though Tigger, "there are no dragons in the 100-acre wood only heffalumps. What is that silly bear up to now?"

Not even Tigger would have imagined what Pooh was up to at that moment. That morning Pooh had woken with a splitting headache and a rather snotty nose. So he had taken a large dose of the white powder and a little while later had a brilliant idea! He left the house with a container marked insecticide in big red letters. He took the container and went to Eeyore's favourite patch of thistles.

"This will serve that manic depressive donkey right" laughed Pooh aloud, "always cheating at Pooh-sticks, cheats never prosper", Pooh said to himself.

Then he hid behind a tree to watch the unsuspecting Eeyore eat himself to death - sheer poetic justice thought Pooh as he dumped the nearly dead body of Eeyore in the same grave as C.R. and Piglet.

"Shouldn't cheat should you?", shouted Pooh as Eeyore's eyes stared with disbelief. "You're lucky I didn't chop you up into little bits and feed you to Tigger!", laughed Pooh manically, before he covered the makeshift grave over.

Pooh didn't return to the house until dinner time as he was totally spaced out all morning. So when he returned to his house he was in an awful mood and all he needed to make him absolutely mad was the sight of Tigger and Roo bouncing up and down outside his house singing "bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, the wonderful....".

"'Wonderful'?", thought Pooh aloud, "My foot, you'd think the writer of this shitty story could think up better lyrics for a song than that, and to think, they released the sound-track album on cassette and CD; a lot of people are going to get ripped off." This lightened Pooh's mood somewhat, but the respite was brief.

"What was that you said?", asked Roo.

"God does he never stop asking pathetic questions?", Pooh thought furiously. "I'm going to have to deal with these prats as well. Is there no-one in this place with intelligence apart from me?" Pooh asked despairingly."

Pooh felt himself extremely lucky as Roo had to go home for his afternoon sleep and that left Tigger at his mercy. Even better, Tigger suggested that himself and Pooh go and play Pooh-sticks; Pooh had smiled slyly as an idea formed in his overactive brain, and agreed.

"What an opportunity", Pooh whispered to himself as he followed the innocent Tigger to the bridge.

Once on the bridge, and the rather pointless game of Pooh-sticks was under way, Pooh thought he'd much rather push his stick up Tigger's arse, rather than throwing it into the stream. Tigger was leaning over the side of the bridge looking for his stick. So he did not see Pooh's wide horrific grin as he outstretched his arms and moved toward Tigger with the intent of pushing the stupid cat into the stream.

"Cats hate water, tee hee, he'll drown."

There was a loud splash as Tigger hit the water and started to struggle as his head was covered by water, he gulped and choked. Pooh was holding on to the rail of the bridge and jumping up and down with excitement and was joyously shouting at the drowning Tigger.

"Why?", spluttered Tigger as he slowly started to turn blue with the cold, which Pooh found hysterical, after all a blue Tigger? How absolutely silly.

"I'll tell you why you bastard", screamed Pooh, "It serves you right, hiding behind doors and jumping out, and scaring the shit out of people." Tigger did not hear Pooh's answer as he was already floating downstream face down in the water, dead. "Good riddance", laughed Pooh, and looked at his watch. "Still time to get that little dick-head Roo before he wakes up."

Pooh sneaked to the sleeping form of Roo's mum and saw Roo's ear poking out of her pouch.

"Now I've got you, you little git", Pooh thought, smiling, as he threaded a needle with extra strong cotton. He was jolly grateful for Piglet's sewing lessons now, because he would be able to sew up Roo nice and tightly, so he would not be able to get out and his mum would not be able to rescue him. So very slowly and carefully Pooh began to sew Roo into his pouch and thereby suffocating the annoying idiotic twit. After the deed was done Pooh made his way back to his house wondering how Roo's mum would take the death of Roo. Badly, hoped Pooh, as he began to cough uncontrollably and felt general nausea overcome him.

By the time Pooh got home he had puked up several times and was very desperate for some more of the white solution. He trembled as he picked up the syringe and gave himself the remaining amount. An awfully large amount, one might say, for a small little bear like Pooh. In fact too much, Pooh died of an overdose, but he died with a smile on his face: he was dreaming that he was the only teddy bear made with a willy and dreamed how he surprised Eeyore one day - but that's a story for another day.


THE END
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:48:50 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!""Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:49:41 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God
bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was
praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart
attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was
still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy.
Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the
next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the
next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta
ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to
the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he
finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God
you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our
porch this morning!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:50:42 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day,
he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home.He walks into the
house
and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into
the
room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder
this
time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today
it
was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S
HANGING
DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya
shoulda
bought a hat."
 ;D ;) ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:51:26 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating
marriage under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for
marriage.

TWO YEAR DEGREE COURSE
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you
should be interested in:
Becoming a Real Man.  That's right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too,
can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree. (Male Arts)

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101:      Combating Stupidity
MEN 102:      You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103:      PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104:      We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110:      Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111:  Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112:  Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100:  Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101:  Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A:  What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120:  How NOT to Act like an arse when you're Wrong
MEN 121:  Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122:  YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123:  Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C:  What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101:  You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102:  Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103:  How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201:  How To Put the Toilet Seat Down

(Elective)
(See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210:  The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211:  How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212:  You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213:  Honest, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A:  Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important



Spring Schedule:
MEN 220:  Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221:  Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222:  Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223:  Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B:  Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 102:  Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103:  Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103:  Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231:  Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232:  Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233:  Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C:  Cheaper to Keep Her



Just a thought for all the women out there.

MENtal Illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:52:07 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.    As a
little girl, she'd bring Me in the stall, teach me to
wad  up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd
carefully lay strips of toilet  paper to cover the
seat.  Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never  sit on a
public toilet seat.  And she'd demonstrate  "The
Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet
in a sitting  position without actually letting any of
your flesh make contact with the  Toilet seat.  But by
this time, I'd have wet down my leg.  And we'd go
home.

That was a long time ago.  Even now  in our more mature
years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult  to
maintain when one's bladder is especially full.  When
you  have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line
of women that makes you  think there's a half-price
sale on Nelly's underwear in there.    So, you
wait and smile politely at all the other ladies,  also
crossing their legs and smiling politely.  And you
finally  get closer.

You check for feet under the stall doors.  Every  one
is occupied.  Finally, a stall door opens and you
dash,  nearly knocking down the woman leaving the
stall. You get in to find the door  won't latch.  It
doesn't matter.

You hang your purse on the  door hook, yank down your
pants and assume "The Stance."

Relief.    More relief.  Then your thighs begin to
shake.    You'd love to sit down but you certainly
hadn't taken time to  wipe the seat or lay toilet paper
on it, so you hold The Stance as your  thighs
experience a quake that would register an eight on the
Richter  scale.  To take your mind off it, you reach
for the toilet  paper.

The toilet paper dispenser is empty.  Your  thighs
shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you
blew your nose  on-that's in your purse.  It would
have to do.  You  crumble it in the puffiest way
possible.  It is still smaller than  your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the  latch
doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head.
Occupied!" you  scream as you reach out for the door,
dropping your tissue in a puddle and  falling backward,
directly onto the toilet seat.  You get up  quickly,
but it's too late.  Your bare bottom has made  contact
with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat
because YOU  never laid down toilet paper, not that
there was any, even if you had enough  time to.  And
your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if  she
knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public
toilet seat  because, frankly, "You don't know what kind
of diseases you could  get."

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of
the toilet  is so confused that it flushes, sending up
a stream of water akin to a  fountain and then it
suddenly sucks everything down with such force  that
you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of
being dragged to  China.

At that point, you give up.  You're soaked by  the
splashing water.  You're exhausted.  You try to  wipe
with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then
slink out  inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the  sinks with the
automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit
and a  dry paper towel and walk past a line of women,
still waiting, cross-legged  and unable to smile
politely at this point.  One kind soul at the  very end
of the line points out that you are trailing a piece
of toilet  paper on your shoe as long as the
Mississippi River!  You yank the paper  from your shoe,
plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here.
You  might need this."

At this time, you see your man, who has  entered,
used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War
and Peace  while waiting for you.  "What took you so
long?" he asks, annoyed.  This is when you kick him
sharply in the shin and go home.

This is  dedicated to all women everywhere who have
ever had to deal with a public  toilet. And it finally
explains to all you men what takes us so  long.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:54:17 PM
((originally posted by prisim{*RgR*1*}))

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN       

Your Clothes:

1st baby:  You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby:  You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby:    Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby:  You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby:  You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby:  You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby:  You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby:  At the first sign of distress --a  whimper, a frown-- you pick up the baby.

2nd baby:  You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:

1st baby:  If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby:  When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether he needs it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.     

3rd baby:  You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you  see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby:  You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby:  You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby:  You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. 


Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby:  You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby:  You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. 


Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child:  When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child:  When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child:    When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
 

(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN:      God's reward for allowing your children to live.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:55:00 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

LOL woobie, how true! ;)



Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?"
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name, had been in my high school class some 40 odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm.... or could he? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central High School. "Yes, yes, I did," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1951, why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me, and then that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked... "What did you teach?"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:55:52 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles excitedly.
"Great," he replies, "GET YOUR OWN FUCKING BLANKET!!!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:57:06 PM
((originally posted by ~*jale*~{K}))

And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked
the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast
in her hand," What can be done with this useless boob?"

And God created man.  :)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:57:46 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

The 5 Questions Most Feared by Men

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells
the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below,
along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of
course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on
what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and
how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no
resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football. b. Golf. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than
you e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once
told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking
to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel
a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh^*-loads. b. Would it make
you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d.
Does it matter? e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course
not!"
Incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but
you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've
seen fatter. e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper
response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b.
Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were
her age d. Define pretty e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking
about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The
real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up
questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh&%.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 09:58:33 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))

~Drops this off and runs for my life, adjusting the halo over my horns as I do~

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/cowswithguns.php
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:00:01 PM
((originally posted by yahira{Raz}))

~she grins in her ever-anglic fashion and posts these...  ummm..  helpful hints...  before running off~ 


60 Things You Should Not Say to a Naked Guy 

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it? 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:01:15 PM
((originally posted by wyldechylde{MTC}))

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.


The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.


The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem,” the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!


Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I  thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the  balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."


The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.


A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the Second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!



Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."


The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.


A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:03:55 PM
Read the  full description before looking at the picture.

The picture has 2 identical dolphins in it.  It was used in
a case  study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital.  Look at both  dolphins
jumping out of the water. The dolphins are  identical.  A closely
monitored, scientific study of a group  revealed that in spite of the fact
that the dolphins are identical, a  person under stress would find
differences in the two dolphins. If there  are many differences found
between both dolphins, it means that the person  is experiencing a great amount
of stress.

Look at the photograph in the link below.  If you find more than one or two differences,
you may want to take a  vacation.


        http://www.freespaces.com/familurespace/stuff/testpic.jpg
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:04:36 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter


Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.


Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Do not trifle with me.


Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
 
 
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:05:27 PM
((originally posted by prisim{*RgR*1*}))

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR
GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:06:17 PM
((originally posted by toy{MTC}))

http://www.bitoffun.com/weirds-orgasmic_simulator.htm

cant stop laughing this is soooooooooo true hahaha
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:07:11 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

And now something for our Men ..  ::)


Why Men Die First



This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries - but, now we know.


If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay...you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her...that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you...it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks...it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet....it's male indifference.

If you cry....you're a wimp.

If you don't...you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her....you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you....she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy.... that's domination.

If SHE asks you....it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...you're a pervert.

If you don't...you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape....you're sexist.

If you don't....you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape.....you're vain.

If you don't....you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers...you're after something.

If you don't.....you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements...you're full of yourself.

If your not...you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache....she's tired.

If you have a headache....you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often...you're oversexed.

If you don't....there must be someone else.


Men die first because.....







....They want to
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:07:40 PM
another one for the Men out there........

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:08:26 PM
((originally posted by prisim{*RgR*1*}))

LOL!


stole this from the BDSM wall  ...

http://www.steakandbjday.com/
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:08:57 PM
ok...this is a groaner...but it gave me a chuckle....

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

~cheesey ole grin~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:09:52 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))

The Pink Ping Pong Ball Story



A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.

~That dog ain't so shaggy~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:10:48 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

Divine Satisfaction


For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, when you just need to take it out on someone... don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know! HONESTLY, just read it... its SO funny... Read this guy's experience:

'Now get this: I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down! I couldn't believe anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person answered again, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word 'asshole' and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me - I would probably have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number.
When I heard, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He answered "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it! Just dial 823-4863!

An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move, and she started to v-e-r-y slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to maneuver.
"Great," I thought, "she's finally leaving." All of a sudden, a black Mercedes came flying up the parking aisle, going the wrong direction, and pulled into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Mercedes, completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if he hadn't heard me. I thought to myself, "This guy's an asshole. There's sure a lot of assholes in this world." Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (it's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Mercedes laying on my desk and figured I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple of rings, someone answered the phone and said, "Hello?"
I said, "Is this the guy with the black Mercedes for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?"
"My name's Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone speed dial asshole number 1.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I yelled, "You're an asshole!" but I didn't hang up.
The asshole said, "Are you still there?"
"Yeah."
"Stop calling me."
"Make me."
"What's your name, Pal?"
So I told him, "Don Hansen."
Then he asked, "Where do you live?"
I answered, "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Mercedes is parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up. Then I called asshole number 2. He answered, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole."
He said, "If I ever find out who you are ..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance ... I'm coming over right now, asshole!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my boyfriend lover as soon as I got home. Then I made another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street. After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious satisfaction - - watching the two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life .'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:11:53 PM
((originally posted by ivy{MTC}))

apoem for all dedicated to You boys out there ....giggles

Cyber Sex is NOT Safe Sex
 
'twas the night of the wedding, my new bride asleep
so I turned on the puter, from her, not a peep
so into a chat room, with ladies, all fair
just wearing their undies, with wild lovely hair
I typed "Hi", with a smile, then sat back to wait
for one of the lovelies to rise to the bait...
then up on the screen this line did appear
"Hi, dear, I'm horny, can you help me here?"
we started to cyber, she sent a pic
it made me so horny, I took out my dick
was stroking and typing, just ready to cum
when she screamed from behind me "perverted scum!!!"
I look over my shoulder and what do I see
tis her with a knife, coming at me
'twas a Ginzu, a gift, to me that was clear
as my once mighty penis grew flaccid with fear
then grabbing my peter, and with just one slash
she cut it clean off, left only a gash
As I sat there bleeding, she gathered her things
then opened the door, and threw out her rings
Out of the door, down the hallway she scooted
I turned to the keyboard, typed, "Sorry, got booted."


chuckles and runs 
 
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:12:30 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest
little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:13:20 PM
((originally posted by prisim{*RgR*1*}))

I definitely need to be praying at work!!


HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK

When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning"
to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the shit out of her"...You need to pray at work.

When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f**k do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work.

When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, Which
one of you sons of bitches turned off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work.

When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "well at my last  office...", and you want to throw a stapler at him... ... You need to pray at work.

When you hear a co-worker call  your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the hell does this bitch want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work.

When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and
the first thing that pops in your  head is, "both of y'all can kiss my ass!!".... You need to pray at work.

When you're in the elevator and  it stops to pick up someone who
stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one
floor, and you say "that lazy bastard"......  You need to pray at  work.

When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and
you think, "sorry ass M#$^%F%&#s".......  You need to pray at work.

If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching,
slapping, or flattening someone's tires that you work with......You need to
pray at work.

LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:14:19 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

Who's Yo Daddy


When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is find out
who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following
are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms
in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way.....

Who's yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to
check out number 11........... It takes the prize and #3 is runner up.


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a
man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted
If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone
number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's
had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.
Please advice.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the
same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned
at the same time....well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd
have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146
Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:15:14 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

Things I've Learned from My Children

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball
up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long
way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass
can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4
inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It
will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy. 
 
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:15:41 PM
Come Back Lines for Women.......

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:16:25 PM
((originally posted by Master Ubar Ragnar))

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY


If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:18:03 PM
((originally posted by jetta{Brooke}))

Mirror"
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:18:37 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Amber))

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle  and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you.  "Tray-up, Bitch."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:19:35 PM
((originally posted by wyldechylde{MTC}))

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.

If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random  yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone for verification.)

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number

and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?"

Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay?
Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian ....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:20:42 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Ubara Karanis))

this is a personal one that actually happened to me this past christmas....

it was the first christmas with the future inlaws....am very very close with them...but still...it was the first one....

and let me set up a bit of history for this.....I color my hair....ALOT....could be a different color next month, and still a different color the month after that.....matter of fact, up until a month ago, my hair was down to my bra strap, and now is in the flippy lil whispy flip cut at the jaw line LOL....so suffice it to say that the hair changes ALOT.....

and well......it came time to unwrap a small gift from J's dad.....I had know idea that he had picked it out personally himself.....as he's been known to do something "a lil special" for "his girls" ((they had FOUR boys LOL))....so "his girls" are vera special to him.....

so I'm unwrapping this present, and thinking, yeah its probably jewelry, but we all know how well men pick out jewelry when they KNOW you, nevermind when they've only known you for about 9 months.....so here I am ...openning this box.....and I open the box to find an exquisite pair of gold and jade teardrop earrings....dainty and simple, JUST the way I like my jewelry, and the perfect shade of seafoam green that I wear quite often.......

I'm thinking wooooowwww.....this guys is good....and keep in mind, this man is born and bred new englander, tough as nails and doesnt say much unless he really has something to say.....

I'm astounded and hugged him and said wow dad, you did really well, these earrings are fabulous, they're absolutely beautiful...I love them etc etc etc.....

his words.....quote un quote were.....

"weeeellllll *in a quite lil rush of breath*.....you DID have a different hair color when I picked them out"

OMG.......everyone just DIED laughing......he's such a peach. 
 
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:21:27 PM
((originally posted by jetta{Brooke}))

A man was sick and tired of going to  work every day while his wife
stayed
home.

He wanted her to see what  he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put  in 8 hours while my wife
merely
stays at home.
I want her to know what I  go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day.  Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The  next morning, sure! enough, the man awoke as a woman
He arose, cooked  breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out
their
school clothes, fed  them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them
to
school, came home and  picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the
cleaners
and stopped at the bank  to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then
drove
home to put away the  groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check
book.
He cleaned the cat's  litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was
already 1
P.M. and he hurried to  make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust,
and
sweep and mop the kitchen  floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
them on
the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized  to do their
homework,
then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he  did the
ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for  salad,
breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for  supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was  exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
finished, he
went to bed where  he was expected to make love, which he managed to
get
through without  complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed  and said:
Lord,
I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my  wife's
being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade  back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you  have
learned
your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way  they
were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant  last
night."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:23:07 PM
((originally posted by prisim{*RgR*1*}))

*cracking UP*

here's a stress reliever..


http://www.netdisaster.com/go.php?mode=meteor&url=http://www.webmaze.com/yabbse/index.php?board=48
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:23:49 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

"Childrens Wisdom" 


Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer. -
Hannah, age 9

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, age 14

Stay away from prunes. - Randy, age 9

Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, age 13

Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, age 13

Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, age 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia,
age 11

Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
assignment. - Traci, age 14

Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, age 12

A puppy always has bad breath - even after eating a Tic-Tac. - Andrew, age 9

Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, age 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, age 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, age 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, age 15

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, age 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, age 10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the
phone. - Alyesha, age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, age 8
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:24:45 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said
excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your
students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like
you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my
student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what
you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made
absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,
but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though,
because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

...

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:25:51 PM
for stress relief....
and ummm...knew better than post this on the gor board knowing that at least one would think it was aimed at them...~lol~

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/idiot
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:26:51 PM
((originally posted by Master Ubar Ragnar))

Three Tuchk Men are having a drink in the paga when a drunk comes stumbling in off the street. The drunk points at the Tuchuk in the middle and exclaims in a loud voice, "Hey you! I screwed your mother rotten last night!"

The Tuchuk in the middle shrugs and continues his conversation with his friends. Frustrated by the lack of response, the drunk stumbles back out of the paga wagon.

A few moments later the drunk stumbles back into the paga wagon, points a finger at the same guy and yells, "Did you hear me, asshole?! I said I fucked your mother last night and she was great!!!".

Finally, Terran responds, "I know RAGNAR! I heard you the first time now go back to your wagon!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:28:19 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Sidona))

Subject: Finally an intelligent lawyer


Title of Property


You gotta love this lawyer. Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual letter from the FHA):


"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows


(This is his actual letter):


Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.The good queen, Isabella , being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, of the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our loan?"


The loan was approved.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:28:57 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

AT&T
By Robert Byron.



One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is
to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from
a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as
they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:


(swallowing)

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

( When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express
yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this
lady was persistent.)

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but
she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to
whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's
right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at
the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a
minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute.
Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10
cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of
subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the
Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat
while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while
I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a
minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to
suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I
could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was
helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up
for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have
enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little
brother...
AT&T: (click)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:29:50 PM
((originally posted by jetta{Brooke}))

I got t his in an email and thought it was cute.




When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place
expensive...................
               



So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:30:27 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))

For those who thought that they had a roommate from hell, after reading this, you might think that your's might resemble a saint instead...

http://rush68.net/%7Edave/crap/story.htm
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:31:41 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

The big red button!! *G*

http://fun.drno.de/flash/BigRedButton.swf
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:32:48 PM
((originally posted by Master Kan))

-WARNING JOKE BELOW MAY OFFEND- Hehehe






This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?".

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity marguerita. "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man to his right turns to him and prouldly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1," Then adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis.

He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:33:40 PM
((originally posted by Master Gryphon))

For all you LLama's out there

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php


and for all you C/cats out there
http://www.yomgaille.com/bordel/kittens/
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:34:29 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

I like that:


Warning
~Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other peoples' gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:35:10 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Lilac))

For those who own horses..

"THE SHEATH CLEANING SONG"
Sing it to the tune of "Hello Mother, Hello Father"
from camp song


How's it hangin'?
So much cleaner.
Aren't you glad I
washed your wiener?
I'll admit it's
kinda creepy
that I had to stick my arm up in your pee-pee.

It was sticky.
It was gunky.
It felt icky.
It smelled funky.
It was cruddy,
it was crusty--
when you stuck it out,
it creaked like it was rusty.

After half an
hour of toilin'
and of squirtin'
baby oil in,
you're as fresh there
as a daisy.
Either this means I love you or I'm crazy!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:36:10 PM
((originally posted by ice{Brooke/Mtc}))

After the llama song and the kittens i feel obligated to post these if they were not earlier in the thread:

Banana phone!!

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/bananaphone.html

Badger Badger

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/badger.html

And what happens when people watch them both too much... Badger Phone

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/badgerphone.html 
 
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:36:38 PM
ok....i admit it...i am sick....i am a blonde that loves blonde jokes...lol

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this,mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee."

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:37:37 PM
((originally posted by Master Gryphon))

http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/All_da_Crap_is_here/Caroline.swf

am not going to say much about this one..but guys enjoy
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:38:18 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:39:00 PM
~sneaks in and tacks up an addy~

http://gprime.net/flash.php/poopfrusteration

~giggling and running back to camp to hide~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2005, 10:39:39 PM
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 02, 2005, 12:05:06 AM
~sneaks back in and tack up another addy~giggling as she scampers back to camp~

http://gprime.net/video.php/tornmime

((turn Y/your speakers on ;))
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Sidona on June 02, 2005, 10:18:38 AM
I just have to add this one to the thread...it always makes me laugh..

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/numanuma.html
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 02, 2005, 11:31:53 AM
~bol~...thank You Mistress that is funny!!

swiped this from upstairs on the Front Stage Boards
(posted by Demura)

      This was an email I recieved from my Aunt Vicky.  She's a special one that told me when I said to her, "Aunt Vicky...is the whole family crazy?"  "No, we are not...*sly look*  we're eccentric"


As I've Matured...I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.    I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are    celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your   house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on June 26, 2005, 01:48:14 PM
Words With Dual - His and Hers - Meanings



1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.


Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.



2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a groin protector.



3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.


Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.



4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.


Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.



5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.


Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.



6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.


Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.



7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.


Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.



8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.


Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: just me on June 27, 2005, 04:10:26 PM
just alil something i found


http://www.geocities.com/masters_bestia/cat_in_the_hood.html
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: wyldechylde on June 27, 2005, 07:30:10 PM
A woman was walking  down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, " I want  to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on
the ground at your  feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I
will screw  you from behind and be  on my way!"

The woman  thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.  Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it  up and run before  he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.  "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.  The lady said

"That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in 20 cent pieces.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: wyldechylde on June 27, 2005, 07:33:14 PM
The Aussie Way

An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

 The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.

A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*#kin' crowbar from Bunnings."

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Claudia on July 02, 2005, 12:24:10 PM
It was like this, Your Honor...I  actually kept my mammogram
appointment.  I was met with, "Hi, I'm Belinda!" This perky
clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to
one side  and  crooned,
"All I need you to do is step into this room here,  strip to
the waist,  then slip on this gown.

'Everything clear?"  I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try   decaf.
This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare
the  chamber of horrors.  Call me crazy, but I suspect a man
invented  this  machine.

It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a  size 38-LONG.
Also, girls aren't made of sugar and  spice and  everything
nice...it's Spandex.  We can't be stretched, pulled   and
twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop
back into  shape.  Belinda flipped me, (literally), to the
left and  said, "Can you stand on your tippee toes and lean in
a  tad so we can get  everything?"

"Fine," I answered. I was  freezing, bruised and out of air, so
why  not use the remaining  circulation in my legs and neck and
finish me off?  My body was in a  holding pattern that defied
gravity,  (with my other boob wedged  between those two 4"
pieces of square glass), when we heard, then felt, a  zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off!  "What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet  they hit a snag."  Belinda
headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me  in this
vice alone, are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said,
"Oh, you  fussy puppy, the door's wide open
so you'll have the emergency hall  lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout, NOOOO!" she  disappeared.  And that's
exactly how Bubba and Earl,  maintenance  men extraordinaire,
found me, half-naked with part of me  dangling from the Jaws of
Life and the other part smashed between glass!  After exchanging
polite "Hi-how's-it-going?"-type greetings, Bubba, (or  possibly
Earl), asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew  the power  was
off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible, "Uh, yes...yes I did, thanks."   "You'd
better, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though
I'd  been standing in the line at the  grocery store.

Two hours later,  Belinda breezed in wearing a  sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to  suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh, I
am soooo sorry!  The power  came back on and I totally forgot
about you!  And, silly me, I went  to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honour, is exactly how   Belinda's head ended up
between the clamps."

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on July 02, 2005, 04:56:54 PM
LMTAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: DJ Kan on July 03, 2005, 01:19:07 AM
 ::) :-\
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: DJ Kan on July 04, 2005, 02:58:19 AM
For Rags!

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on July 04, 2005, 01:10:19 PM
JDBOLMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Claudia on July 10, 2005, 08:01:32 AM
~bumps this back up with something I found hilarious~



A warning for the Women out there!!



See if this sounds familiar!!! It must be an epidemic! Some of this has happened to me! Now I finally have a good explanation. This is a heads-up to those friends who haven't experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have.

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine??

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next??

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.

That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you???

The next time you suspect someone has had a face lift, look again. Was it lifted from you??

I think I finally found my thighs ... and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.


Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on July 10, 2005, 09:01:03 AM
*lol* oh gods... I agree... it's a total conspiracy.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on July 10, 2005, 12:21:50 PM
egawds....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on July 11, 2005, 09:58:30 AM
Never underestimate how a woman thinks.


  A married couple are driving along a road doing
  a steady forty miles per hour.

  The wife is behind the wheel.

  Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear
voice.

  "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I
want a divorce."

  The wife says nothing, keeps
  looking at the road ahead but slowly increases the speed to 45
mph.

  The husband speaks again.

  "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says,
"because I've
been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far
better lover
than you are."

  Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel a
little
tighter and slowly increases the speed to 55.

  He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says.

  Insistently. Up to 60.

  "I want the car, too," he continues.

  65 mph.

  "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit
  cards and the boat."

  The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete
bridge.

  This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there
anything
you want?"

  The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice,
"No, I've
got
  everything I need." she says.

  "Oh, really?", he inquires, "so what have you got?"

  Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife
  turns to him and smiles........."The airbag."

  Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
Title: Things To Think About
Post by: Ayelen on July 20, 2005, 02:40:14 PM
Things To Think About

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable  plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?  Or should that read, but it takes THREE Tuchuk men to start a cook fire?  ~ducks~

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on August 02, 2005, 06:13:26 PM
Do Lipton employes have coffee breaks?

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why do we try to say everything phonetically..when phonetically is not even spelled phonetically?

Why is little such a big word..and big such a little word?

If we have baby silverware for little kids..does that mean Asian babies use tooth picks?

Why do you send cargo by boat and a shipment by land?
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: BjorinMS on August 02, 2005, 06:59:21 PM
Personifacation of Monday mornings!!!!

http://media3.big-boys.com/content/mondayssuck1.wmv
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on August 02, 2005, 11:15:32 PM
i know that feeling!!! LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on August 03, 2005, 10:45:52 AM
*chuckles* my dog does that sliding along her chain link fence.... apparently it's a good scratching mechanism.....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on August 03, 2005, 02:55:22 PM
I have a question??? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?????????????

oh and that's me every morning... next
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Claudia on October 25, 2005, 11:51:26 AM
You want kids?  ;D


...watch this...

http://www.sharpjokes.com/images_store/BeSmart.mpg


*grin*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on October 25, 2005, 09:39:31 PM
now THAT was one of the best condom commercials I have ever seen LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Claudia on October 27, 2005, 08:10:37 AM
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name, had been in my high school class some 40 odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm.... or could he? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central High School. "Yes, yes, I did," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1951, why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me, and then that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked... "What did you teach?"

 ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on October 27, 2005, 09:59:17 AM
LMTAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Claudia on November 08, 2005, 11:02:02 AM
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"


 ;D ;D ;D



(Could we make this thread a sticky, like it was on the old boards, please?)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on November 08, 2005, 01:13:42 PM
*just rolls my eyes* argh that was bad

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on November 08, 2005, 01:57:22 PM
I will take a room with a view, please... because it took me three times to re-read that last line for it to make sense
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on November 08, 2005, 04:39:17 PM
stuck..


and.. uh.. woobie is normal... LMAO~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: just me on November 13, 2005, 11:28:57 AM
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names,
a trade name  and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also
has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin
and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for VIAGRA.

After careful consideration by a team of
government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon
be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by
Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a
mixer.  It will now be possible for a man to literally
pour himself a stiff one.  Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names
of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned
"stiff drink."

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
"MOUNT & DO."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on November 13, 2005, 11:49:24 AM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on November 13, 2005, 12:20:24 PM
~hides all the Mount & Do from Kan and goes to hide herself~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: kadi{MTC} on November 13, 2005, 03:34:04 PM
jfdl
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: DJ Kan on November 13, 2005, 05:51:16 PM
-eyes everyone and everything-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Claudia on November 17, 2005, 02:44:28 PM
FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong ,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.



MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a Golf Course.

This doesn't rhyme
and I don't care.

Amen
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amantha on November 17, 2005, 04:30:03 PM
A guy phones the local hospital and yells: "You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!"

The nurse says: "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He replies: "No! This is her husband!"



Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on November 18, 2005, 03:30:48 AM
LOL @ both!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: just me on November 28, 2005, 01:29:24 PM
http://quizilla.com/users/extraterrestrial/quizzes/What%20Christmas%20Ornament%20are%20you%3F/


(http://live.quizilla.com/user_images/E/extraterrestrial/1068036311_smistletoe.jpg)

im the mistletoe
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on November 28, 2005, 03:47:28 PM
I'm Christmas Garland... *lol*

Commonly used to decorate Christmas trees, these garlands were first introduced in 1890 by german Company Lauscha (Thuringia) in the form of shaped glass beads strung together.

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on November 28, 2005, 04:20:56 PM
(http://images.quizilla.com/E/extraterrestrial/1068036181_stmasholly.jpg)
You are the Christmas Holly.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on November 28, 2005, 05:29:45 PM
(http://images.quizilla.com/E/extraterrestrial/1068035799_istmasball.jpg)

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on November 28, 2005, 05:34:50 PM
(http://images.quizilla.com/E/extraterrestrial/1068036154_tmaslights.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on November 29, 2005, 11:47:09 AM
*smiles*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Claudia on December 03, 2005, 08:07:21 AM
I Love Snow



 December 8, 6:00 PM

 It started to snow. The first snow of the season! The wife and I took our hot chocolate and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge, soft flakes drift down from Heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print! It was so romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

 December 9

 We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon, the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

 December 12

 The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says that by the end of winter we'll have so much snow that I'll never want to see it again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

 December 14

Snow, lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so! The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

 December 15

 Twenty inches forecast for tonight. Sold my van and bought a 4 x 4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all!

 December 16

 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt while putting salt on the driveway. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

 December 17

 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right! I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

 December 20

 Electricity's back on, but had another fourteen inches of the darn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Blasted snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, but they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

 December 22

 Bob was right about a white Christmas, because thirteen more inches of the white mess fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, visited the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Bob has a plow on his truck. I tried to hire him for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he’s lying.

 December 23

 Only two inches of snow today! And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What...is she nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

 December 24

 Six inches. Snow packed hard by the snowplows. I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his fingernails. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the darned snowplow.

 December 25

Merry Christmas! Twenty more inches of the #@&*@#& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I really hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

 December 26

 Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

 December 27

 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

 December 28

 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WIFE is driving me crazy!!

 December 29

 Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

 December 30

 Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine inches predicted.

 December 31

 Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

 January 8

 I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 ...Author Unknown


 ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on December 03, 2005, 11:23:52 AM
~bol~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on December 03, 2005, 01:11:05 PM
*dies laffing* THIS would be why my dad has a plow attached to his tractor and just clears the yard out in minutes... *lol* and while he's doing that he's in his nice warm heated cab of the tractor. See?Uis Saskies aren't dumb... we just press our luck by taking said tractor and blade onto the slough to clear it off for skating..... *chuckles*

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 03, 2005, 02:51:36 PM
JDL!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on December 03, 2005, 07:45:50 PM
I love the snow, don't have to shovel it, or do anything else to it, just sit inside and let hubby drive around in it... ~ducks and RUNSSSSSSSSSSSS~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on December 05, 2005, 01:50:30 PM
'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas
 
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

 

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
 you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on December 05, 2005, 01:54:31 PM
Barbie's Christmas List!  :o)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
 
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing  suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!  There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be  around to smell it).  So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:
 

Santa:

1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized  sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white.  What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

3.  A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken.  And what's with that earring  anyway?  If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6.  A jogbra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst?  Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!

8.  A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9.  No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is wrecking  my vinyl.

10.  Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on December 05, 2005, 02:36:57 PM
the last one is the reason I am very glad I don't live in Cali anymore, lived maybe 20 mins away from Mattel, and the last time that place caught fire... PHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 05, 2005, 03:01:38 PM
JDL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on December 09, 2005, 10:17:21 AM
Ken's Christmas List!  :o)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ken
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
 
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1998

Dear Santa:

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically
asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks
were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.  I would like to take
this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs
and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential
treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have
a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style.  I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career.  Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon
Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"?  In addition, there are several other avenues which could be
considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie
needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to
the curb.  Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this
issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result
in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least
that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on December 09, 2005, 10:19:32 AM
The Fucking Night Before Christmas, Dammit
==========================================

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimeny apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"




((*laughs and grins* I just coulnd;t resist posting this))
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 09, 2005, 09:02:58 PM
Christmas funnies are GREAT -tilts head- Though, pretezels and beer in the stockings?  Reminds me of the hubby's home town -ain't kidding!-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 09, 2005, 09:42:36 PM
You're an 80's kid if:








>>1. You ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE".



>>2. You watched Pound Puppies.



>>3. You can sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".



>>4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.



>>5. You yearned to be a member of the babysitters club and tried to

>>start one of your own.



>>6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.



>>7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on "Blossom"



>>8. Two words: M.C.Hammer



>>9. If you ever watched Fraggle Rock



>>10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars. (HECK YEAH!!!)



>>11. You can sing the entire theme song to "DuckTales"



>>12. It was actually worth getting up on Sat morning to watch cartoons.



>>13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.



>>14. You saw "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen.



>>15. You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer

class.



>>16. You had a clip that held your shirt in a knot at the side.



>>17. You played the game MASH (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)



>>18. You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.



>>19. L.A. Gear... need I say more.



>>20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in kindergarten.



>>21. You remember all of the Ramona books.



>>22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF".



>>23. You wanted to be a Goonie.



>>24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some head to toe)



>>25. You can remember what Michael Jackson REALLY looked like.

>>

>>26. You ever wondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

>>

>>27. You took garbage pail kids to school.

>>

>>28. You remember the CRAZE! , then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

>>

>>29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.

>>

>>30. Barbie and the Rockers were your fav band.

>>

>>31. You thought She-Ra and He-Man should hook up.

>>

>>32. You thought your childhood friends would never leave you b/c

>>you exchanged friendship bracelets.

>>

>>33. You ever owned a pair of jelly shoes. (and probably in neon

>>colors)

>>

>>34. After Pee-Wee's Big Adventures you kept saying "I know you are

>>but what am I".

>>

>>35. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up".

>>

>>36. You remember skating before inline skates.

>>

>>37. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip-n-slide.

>>

>>38. You had a Skip-it.

>>

>>39. You had or attended a b-day party at Mc Donald's.

>>

>>40. You've gone thru this nodding your head in agreement.

>>

>>41. "Don't worry, Be happy!!"

>>

>>42. You wore like 8 pair of socks over tights w/high top Reeboks.

>>

>>43. You wore socks scrunched down.

>>

>>44. "Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK".

>>

>>45. Boom boxes vs. Cd players.

>>

>>46. Both Gremlin movies.

>>

>>47. "CARE BEAR STARE!!!"

>>

>>48. You remember Rainbow Bright and My Lil PonyTales.

>>

>>49. You thought Doogie Howser was hot!

>>

>>50. You remember Johnny Depp because of 21 Jump Street!!

>>

>>51. Alf, the furry brown alien from Melmac.

>>

>>52. New Kids on the Block when they were cool.

>>

>>53. Knew all the characters and there life stories on the ORIGINAL

>>Saved By the Bell.

>>

>>54. Know all the words to Bon Jovi- SHOT THRU THE HEART.

>>

>>55. You just sang it to yourself.

>>

>>56. You remember when Mullets were cool.

>>

>>57. You tight rolled your pants.

>>

>>58. You owned a banana clip!



Bad part is....I can answer yes to almost all of these questions.


YES.. I am a child of the 80's!

But they forgot to mention Thundercats and Snorkels...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 10, 2005, 07:38:28 AM
LMTAO @ all of these!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: just me on December 10, 2005, 08:15:11 AM
just a few thought i had swimmin around


Why, Why, Why
 
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 10, 2005, 08:42:56 AM
LMTAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on December 12, 2005, 11:46:09 AM
*looks around, then counts*.. yep.. it's me.. LMAO!!

oh yeah, I wonder about those things too...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on December 13, 2005, 02:07:16 PM
hmmm lookin to her friends.. and recountin.. nope all three of them are nuts too sooo i must be the sane one.. hehehehehehe.. (( but if you ask them i'm nuts too.lol))

huggles these are all soo cute.. and as to the 80s yeppers i remmeber some of them my kids drove me nuts with these but sat mornin cartoons you bet i was up before they were to watch em.. lol
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: just me on December 13, 2005, 11:58:22 PM
Answers to Why God made Moms ,
given by 2nd grade school children



Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out o f there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller &stronger, but moms have all the real power
'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head

 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 15, 2005, 07:28:51 PM
http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=186 (http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=186)

MIDGET DANCE!! -ish a midget, it's not meant to harm midgets or be derogatory- I love midget dancing!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on December 15, 2005, 09:24:27 PM
http://www.risingstarkaraoke.com/monday_test.html

I got all of em.. *proud look*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on December 16, 2005, 12:15:23 AM
   Your Score: 10 out of 11
      Your Rating: Wow! Come to work for us!

       Now Here's the Twist;
      Your answers not only can tell your current intelligence,
      but the combination can also forcast your upcoming love life:

      Your Projected Love Life: Your love life is mediocre
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Faramir on December 16, 2005, 05:18:20 AM
  Your Score: 7 out of 11
      Your Rating: Normal Intelligence

       Now Here's the Twist;
      Your answers not only can tell your current intelligence,
      but the combination can also forcast your upcoming love life:

      Your Projected Love Life: Wow! Your love life is bitchin

If that ain't a crock

JEB
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on December 16, 2005, 06:33:31 AM
*got 11 out of 11*

my love life might bloom soon..

*laughs*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on December 20, 2005, 07:09:24 PM
(http://images.quizilla.com/E/extraterrestrial/1068036516_istmasstar.jpg)
You are the Christmas Star.



just a little slowwwwwwwwwww.... *grins*


(((woobie please can you fix this for me please please please)))


done, my sweets.. *hugs* woobie
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: kadi{MTC} on December 20, 2005, 07:48:58 PM
What Christmas Ornament are you?

(http://live.quizilla.com/user_images/E/extraterrestrial/1068036040_istmasdove.jpg)
You are the Christmas Dove.






fixed yours too,sweetie.. *hugs* woobie
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on December 21, 2005, 12:41:23 PM
Women Over 30

A very smart man recently said: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it!   She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.

Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's an update for you. A recent survey showed 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?   Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 21, 2005, 01:06:52 PM
-bought the entire pig...twice now..first time.it was for just a little sausage...this time..well.... just grins-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on December 21, 2005, 04:28:22 PM
Now, it's for a BIG sausage.

*runs*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on December 21, 2005, 06:04:40 PM
*dies laffing and high 5's dee* Hmm.. I bought the entire pig... but I still get all the sausages I want... what does THAT tell ya! *LOL*

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on December 21, 2005, 08:52:20 PM
I haven't bought the pig yet..  but sausage is in great supply..   ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on December 21, 2005, 09:01:50 PM
(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/yaya/px9.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on December 21, 2005, 09:02:57 PM
http://www.funnyinside.com/DeepThroat.shtml
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on December 21, 2005, 09:15:20 PM
Orgasm Simulator (http://viral.lycos.co.uk/attachments/3939/Orgasmic_Simulator2.htm)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Claudia on December 22, 2005, 01:23:08 AM
A man in England calls his son in the USA two days before Christmas and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Canada and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls England immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there!  I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife." Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."


 ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on December 22, 2005, 06:40:53 AM
The Female Language

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has when she wants to cut you, slice you and cover you with hot bacon grease. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare so don't be an idiot. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows)
This means, "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't give a d*&#. You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot, moron or troll at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here with your sorry ass, and arguing with you over "Nothing."

Soft Sigh

Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not to move, flinch or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that", or: "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. Run far, run fast and NEVER EVER look back. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your PC, DVD player and big screen TV out the 11th floor window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a big ol' greasy lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and the statement "Go ahead", all followed by unspeakable acts so hideous they are unprintable.

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before implementing payback. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned. "That's okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you'd better be ready. You're gonna look like a Section 8 eviction, shit all out on the curb. Check your mirrors for the next 6 months. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to dig the hole you're in even deeper as you try to come up with an excuse or reason for doing whatever it is you have done. You have a chance to tell the truth ... but don't. Lie like a rug and stick to it like Velcro. STICK TO THE LIE!!! But be careful you don't get a "That's okay". If you do, stick and move baby, stick and move. Skillets and pots will be flyin.

Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint or pee yourself; just say you're welcome and don't move the rest of the day.

Thanks a Lot
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks a Lot" when she is really about to "catch a case". It's 'bout to be on, up in here. It signifies that you have hurt her in some cold, callous way. She will probably call her 4 brothers to come over and mop the street with your brains. These words are usually followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

You did WHAT?
This means she found out about that hoochie across town and you'd better crawl out the window and creep up the sidewalk like a cat. She's about to get her piece, so step ... and step hard. Forget your car, just run and hide. You can come back and get your ride. If "You did WHAT?" is followed by "you bastard", hit the floor immediately, cause she's about to set the chamber on that 9 that she keeps under the pillow.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on December 22, 2005, 03:39:39 PM
 
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on December 22, 2005, 03:41:00 PM
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on December 22, 2005, 03:42:33 PM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Iowa, and I'm driving the damn SALT TRUCK!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Sidona on December 22, 2005, 06:41:33 PM
this is a lot of fun  :D

http://www.popularfront.com/snowdays/index.html (http://www.popularfront.com/snowdays/index.html)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on December 22, 2005, 08:09:19 PM
Mistress Yaya, you forgot Never Mind, I'll get it

That means the man has forgotten to take care of some nasty little task and she is tired of waiting for it. It will be paid back with Nothing, Fine and That's Okay...


LMAO~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on December 23, 2005, 05:17:29 PM
~Whispers~  woobie...  We can also add:

Nevermind.  It's not important.
Of course, meaning that the only thought in her head at that moment is his slow and painful death.  This will end up in one of the arguments that last "five minutes" and will end with the word "fine"

You think so?
This means that you are an idiot.  There's no two ways about it here.  You have your head shoved so far up your ass that it will take a team of surgeons to remove it for you.  This will end with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" and probably end with you in a body cast.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on December 23, 2005, 05:21:11 PM
*makin notes and wondering if she can get away sayin any of these to a Master*.. grins an bounces off quick...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on December 23, 2005, 05:27:04 PM
~Laughs~  I'd recommend against that one, darlin.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Claudia on December 30, 2005, 07:21:39 AM
Exercises for your first Mammogram!



Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!



Exercise 1

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.



Exercise 2

Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.



Exercise 3

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!



CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your mammogram!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 30, 2005, 12:41:26 PM
*blink blink blinks*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on December 30, 2005, 11:21:59 PM
http://www.blogpulse.com/blogs2005/2005_TopAudio.html

listen to #4  the "Voice Mail Accident Report"


*HOWLING*

my cousin has too much free time at work to have found this...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on December 31, 2005, 11:11:06 AM
oh LORD.. *LOL* if the guy that ran the red light thought he could have blamed his mistake on them, he certainly had another thnk coming.. *laffs* Just goes to prove... never underestimate the power of an old lady... *grin*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on December 31, 2005, 11:29:59 AM
~falls out of her chair laughing~ OMG I soooooooooo needed that this morning... "she's hitting him with her bible" ~HOWLS~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Sati on January 05, 2006, 11:58:04 AM
http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf
 (http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Michael on January 05, 2006, 11:11:11 PM
spssss Women dont ever listen -w-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on January 06, 2006, 10:27:26 AM
Good Housekeeping Ways vs. Real Women Ways:

The Good Housekeeping Way #1
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

The Good Housekeeping Way #2
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Women's Way
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

The Good Housekeeping Way #3
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 2 ounces of tequila. Drink the Tequila. You might still have the headache, but at least you will be too drunk to give a shit.

The Good Housekeeping Way #4
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way
Go ask mister tight-ass, cute-legs, single neighbor to do it for you.

The Good Housekeeping Way #5
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way
Leftover wine?? Huh??  What the hell is "leftover wine?"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on January 06, 2006, 10:20:52 PM
*dies laffing at #5 as I recall the bottle of reisling that I polished off... by myself... in one evening*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on January 07, 2006, 05:57:21 AM
Mistress Taryn:  I believe that is called, "putting the fear of God into him."  ;D ;D ;D

And dies laughing... 'cause I'm obviously a REAL woman!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on January 19, 2006, 10:09:07 PM
The Voodoo Penis


A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

The rest is history.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: wyldechylde on January 23, 2006, 05:23:35 AM
BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a

bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a

bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a

bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way.

It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a

bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that, So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.

You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch  ,

so be it.

I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything


 
 
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: wyldechylde on January 23, 2006, 05:26:40 AM
(http://www.freespaces.com/wyldechylde/pic06479.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on January 23, 2006, 06:23:42 AM
Top 10 things not to tell the woman in your life


10. Come on, who's gonna find out?

9. I promise you wont choke.

8. Can I get you in the pooper?

7. Trust me, I'm a professional.

6. Well, your sister likes it like that.

5. Wow look at the ass on her!

4. Now why cant your boobs be that big?

3. I gotta poop.

2. Oh you forgot to shave today too?

1. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: just me on January 24, 2006, 04:01:00 PM
The Cat in The Hat
on aging

I cannont see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my god, what can I do??

My memory shrinks
my hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like Hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?

My body's drooping
have trouble pooping
The Golden Years
have come at last
The Golden Years
can kiss my ass
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: just me on January 24, 2006, 04:04:41 PM
30 Years Difference:

1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair

1973: KEG
2003: EKG

1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux

1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm

1973: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor

1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage

1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM

1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian

1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint

1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones

1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? (Sorry)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on January 28, 2006, 08:23:58 PM
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/taryn/nogolf.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Claudia on February 12, 2006, 07:40:09 AM
Many greetings from "Savi the Singer"   ;D ;D ;D



http://www.witze-welt.de/videos/kannnichtsingen.php


Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 12, 2006, 12:15:10 PM
JDL!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on February 19, 2006, 09:00:11 PM
Stupid People



1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on February 21, 2006, 06:18:06 PM
I got this in email from jale{K}... *LMAO*... I know she would love to share it..

I subtitled it..

How to Understand Your Ubar

Why Are Men Happy?
 
   
Men Are Just Happy People-- What do you expect
From such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
   
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
 
   
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
 
   
People never stare at your chest when
You're talking to them.

 
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.  You know stuff about tanks.
 
   
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
 
   
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
 
   
Your underwear is $8.95
For a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.   
You only have to shave your face and neck.
 
   
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
 
   
You can do Christmas
Shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happy
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amantha on February 21, 2006, 10:13:03 PM
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.


The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemimadelivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, pass it on to someone who kneads it.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Tiggie on February 23, 2006, 06:02:55 AM
OMG  Amantha
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on February 23, 2006, 12:19:57 PM
This got all of PEI laughing. Read it and you'll see why!
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing
this.

Many PEI folks DID hear this on the 92-FM morning show in PEI.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The
game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random
yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge
the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they
both win the prize.  One particular game, however, several months
ago made the Charlottetown City drop to its knees with laughter and
is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on 93-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate  Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the
Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"

(Touchtones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with 93-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"


And the drivers of PEI almost crashed their cars laughing!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amantha on February 24, 2006, 11:27:18 PM
OMG Muse..
Is any Man missing something??

http://wcco.com/watercooler/watercooler_story_055061505.html
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 25, 2006, 12:45:52 AM


omg...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on February 25, 2006, 10:48:15 AM
good LORD!! *lol*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on March 01, 2006, 12:02:34 PM
There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot all about it.

Now I'm 80, and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

 ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: kadi{MTC} on March 02, 2006, 11:47:24 AM
A Mexican comes looking for a job, but the foreman on site won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9.

"Without numbers?"  The Mexican says, "Dat is oh so easy senor" And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the foreman asks?

"Ave you got no brain boss?  Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Mexican.

"Fair enough," says the foreman, bemused. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Mexican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.  "Ere you go."

The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree.  Dat make 99."

The foreman is getting slightly worried that he's going to actually have to hire this smart assed Mexican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Mexican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go boss. One hundred."

The foreman looks at the attempt.  "You must be off your trolley if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Mexican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred."

"So, when I start boss?"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: cat{MTC} on March 07, 2006, 08:30:01 AM
a Master send this to cat in email ans she can't stop laughing at it


Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and
tells her that her hair smells good. After a week of this, she can't
stand it anymore,
 
takes her complaint to the supervisor in the personnel
department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment
grievance against him.
 
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this
decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling
you your hair smells good?"
 
 
 
The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lady Snickers on March 07, 2006, 10:03:09 PM
I had just gotten this in My e-mail box and laughed at it.


The New Version of the Birds & Bees...

 

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

 

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find

out anyway. Your mom and I first got together in a Chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via Email with your mom, and we met at a Cyber-Cafe. We

sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a Download

from my Hard Drive. As soon as I was ready to Upload, we discovered that

neither of us had used a Firewall, and since it was too late to hit

the Delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and

said: You've Got Male."

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: kelsey on March 08, 2006, 01:45:54 PM
a little boy walks into his praents bedroom and the blankest are flipping...the little boy says.."Dad, what are you doing?"

He says to the boy. "I'm playing cards"

The little boy asks, "Dad, who it your partner?"

Dad answers, "your mom."

The little boy leaves the room.  Later, Dad goes into the tell his son goodnight and the blankets are flippin.  Dad ask, "Son, what are you doing?"

The little boy answers, "I'm playing cards."..Dad asks, "Who is you partner?"

The little boy answers, "You don't need one when you have a good hand."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 08, 2006, 05:27:44 PM
egawds....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on March 12, 2006, 12:50:48 PM
Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on March 12, 2006, 10:40:06 PM
Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks.

"What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:

First -
You have to drink that entire fifth of pepper tequila,
the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second -
There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You
have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. -
There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a fifth of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the fifth with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then..............silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 12, 2006, 11:36:50 PM
egawds....

only you sis... only you....

LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Danial on March 13, 2006, 06:44:20 AM
~BOL~ That is histerical Muse
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on March 14, 2006, 11:09:51 AM
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.

By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.



The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.



Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.



Honey The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"



But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."



So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged

nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as

extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under

the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.



It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,

it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It

was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she

spied hanging between my legs.



She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the

sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at

the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly

rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging

from my masculine region.



Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in

this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from

experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and

cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.



When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done- that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.


Somehow I lived through it all.


A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.



"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"




If they only knew!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on April 08, 2006, 02:21:53 AM
a refresher for those who missed it and for those who haven't seen it, here's nice little gift...

http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/taryn/viking_kittens.swf
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Huravia on April 08, 2006, 11:20:53 AM
thank You for sharing again Taryn........ I love the gift ...way funny made My day with smiles

Hura
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lady Snickers on April 12, 2006, 06:36:24 AM
here is something I just got in My e-mail box*LOL*

Subject: Political Correctness
 
 Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America;
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred
to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
 
 And furthermore...
 
 HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
 
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED
AMERICAN."
 
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY
APPRECIATIVE."
 
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
 
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
 
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
 
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
 
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED."
 
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
 
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
 
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
 
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR."
 
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
 
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
 
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID BRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."
 
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
 
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES  ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."
 
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
 
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS."
 
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."
 
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
 
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
 
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
 
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
 
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's  "REAR
CLEAVAGE"

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on April 12, 2006, 12:50:48 PM
JDL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on April 15, 2006, 09:53:52 AM
R-RATED RIDDLES



Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise ahillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on April 15, 2006, 10:09:32 AM
~just groans~  D's parents are here this weekend..  ~ponders whether or not I'd miss my truck~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on April 16, 2006, 09:40:15 AM
Two questions:  Is it insured?  Is there a cliff nearby?
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Ayelen on April 16, 2006, 10:54:08 AM
 IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of  it -------------------------

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ............................. either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!   :o



Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amantha on April 16, 2006, 01:21:01 PM
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
 

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber....
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
  It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

  The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

  The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

  The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

  A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,"Why is the male brain so much more?"

  The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to t he entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."


Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: cat{MTC} on April 17, 2006, 07:37:17 AM
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my ! GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful .. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.



Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Huravia on April 17, 2006, 10:10:40 AM
Subject: Miss Beatrice
>
>
>Miss Beatrice, the church  organist, was in her eighties and had never been
>  married. She  was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.   One
>afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
>sitting room. She  invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
>
>  As he sat facing  her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
>cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in
>the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and
>scones, they began to chat.
>
>The pastor tried  to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
>strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
>resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
>this?" pointing to the bowl.
>
>"Oh, yes," she  replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
>Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
>
>  The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
>would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't  had the flu all
>winter."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on April 18, 2006, 02:52:20 AM
OMG!!!

JDL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on April 18, 2006, 07:37:51 PM
why??



Why, Why, Why ?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on April 18, 2006, 08:27:20 PM
(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/files/ATT11322.jpg)

(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/files/Bunnies.gif)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on April 22, 2006, 10:30:52 AM
(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/files/Brokeback.jpg)


(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/files/Coffee.jpg)


(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/files/Milkman.jpg)


(http://artisticelegance.homestead.com/files/nun.jpg)


Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on April 22, 2006, 10:42:29 AM
Brokeback Mountain 2 looks good. -nod nod nod-  ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on April 23, 2006, 09:12:49 PM
THE BOX OF CHOCOLATES
 
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you
were married, or wish you weren't married, this is
something to smile about the next time you open a box
of chocolates:
 
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips
in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo
woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was
a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a
silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
 
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a
bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman
just sat silently, looking intently at everything she
saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
white bag on the seat next to Sally.
 
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
 
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a
box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
 
"The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said: "Good trade."
 
 
 
 

*GRINS and runs*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on April 23, 2006, 11:41:58 PM
-LMTAO- I'm sorry, but that IS funny!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: cat{MTC} on April 24, 2006, 08:52:26 AM
A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?"The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

 

 

 

 

 

 


(you'll love this one...................)

 

 

 

 



"Cleanup, Register 5"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on April 27, 2006, 08:21:51 PM
Bran Muffins



They were 85 years old, and had been married for
60 years. Though not young, they were both in very
good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on
healthy foods and exercise.

One day, their good health didn't help when they
went on a rare vacation and their plane
unfortunately crashed, sending them off to heaven.

They reached heaven, St. Peter escorted them
inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, with a
fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master
bath.

They gasped in astonishment when Peter said,
"Welcome to heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was
going to cost. "Why, nothing," said St. Peter.
"Remember, this is your reward in heaven."

The old man looked out the window and he saw a
championship golf course, finer and more beautiful
than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens
fees?" asked the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play
for free, every day, any time of the day you want."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish
buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out
before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic
deserts, and free

flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St.
Peter tothe man. "This is heaven, and it is all free
for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at
his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low
cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he
asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You
can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever
you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This
is heaven!"

The old man inquired, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran
muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on May 02, 2006, 02:49:14 PM
son-in-law



A father goes to his daughter's bedroom and finds a dildo in top of the bed..upset and after pondering on it he decides to confront her about it. When she comes back from college he sits her down and says " Child we need to talk, i found this...can u explain to me the meaning of this?" " Its simple father" she answers " you have told me i must be careful and act wise when it comes to sexual relations... and i decided to let loose to my sexual desires and my hormonal awakening with this dildo...you see it does not give me aids its ready when i want it i dont have to suck it so it can perform...it gives it to me anyway i want it whenever i want it, doesnt get me pregnant and its faithfull to me, so i decided to take it for my sexual partner" Her father looks at her seriously and thinking about the logical reasons she gave decided to let it all go on. After a couple of days the daughter comes home and finds her father in the living room with a glass of whiskey in one hand and the vibrator on the dildo on the other...astonished she screams " Dad what the hell are u doing with my dildo? Her father all calmed looks at her with glassy eyes and with slurry words answers " Whaaaat the fuck can't I have a couple of drinks with my son in law????
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on May 02, 2006, 02:55:13 PM
OH GODS....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on May 20, 2006, 02:38:45 PM
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on May 20, 2006, 02:43:57 PM
A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

--------------------

Under the Weather Jokes...
16. Rumor has it that the new Miami baseball team will be called "Humidity" so that fans in Florida will be able to say, "It's not the Heat that's so bad, it's the Humidity."
15. The U.S. has only three hurricane warning centers - Coral Gables, FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI (recently completed). All three have faced Category 4 hurricanes in the past month. Which only goes to show: If you build it, they will come!
14. I really don't understand why the federal government was so slow to send aid to the areas hit by Hurricane Andrew. After all, both Florida and Louisiana have oil.
13. It was so hot today I saw a robin picking earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.
12. What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
11. How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Ranier, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
10. An honest weatherman says, "Today's forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I'm wrong."
9. First cave man to 2nd cave man: "I don't care what you say. We never had such unusual weather before they started using bows and arrows."
8. Nate: "Hey, what's the weather like out there?" Kate: "I don't know. I'll tell you when it clears."
7. Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open? Because she expected some change in the weather.
6. It's a bit "muggy" in New York today.
5. There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
4. A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
3. Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?" The other snarls, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."
2. There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said, "It looks like a storm is coming." "No it isn't," said his wife. "Besides, how would you know?" "Because," he responded, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
1. A weather forecaster took a job in another part of the country. When asked why he transferred he replied, "The weather didn't agree with me."

----------------------------

Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather?
A) He's got bugs on his teeth.

----------------------------


A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.

He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.

After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.

He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.

They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.

During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.

"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain." His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?" To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

------------------------------------


Why Phoenix summers are sot HOT . . .

... We go to McDonalds to get coffee and pour it on our laps -- just to cool off!

... The farmers must feed their cows ice cubes, so they don't give powdered milk.

... The farmers feed their chickens ice chips, so they don't lay hard boiled eggs.

... They don't bother making themometers that go below 70 degrees.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on May 23, 2006, 09:11:08 AM
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why ye s, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Uh Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on July 12, 2006, 05:59:06 PM


Classic...
It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma
to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their
jobs.


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked
with a P); and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
----------------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in *beep*.
S: Something tightened in *beep*.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in *beep*.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last ...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget......
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on July 13, 2006, 12:06:43 PM
JDL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on July 13, 2006, 12:52:59 PM
Roy died laffing as I read these off to him... *grin*

Kitya
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on July 17, 2006, 05:43:06 PM
*cracking the heck uP*


http://www.badgirl1.com/PMS.htm




Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on July 18, 2006, 09:55:58 AM
egawds....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: kelsey on July 20, 2006, 05:14:17 PM
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in

their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost

everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back

together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?" The father (never having seen an elevator)

responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up

to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small

room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls

light up sequentially.  They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to

light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde

woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy..................go git cha Momma...............
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on July 21, 2006, 03:38:26 PM
talena~  this was too good to leave in email... thanks!

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on July 27, 2006, 12:18:46 PM
10 Things Men Don't Know About Women

1. Remember in old movies when women used to swoon and "take to the bed" for days at a time? That never happens. We're stronger than that. That being said, if we ever decide to "take to the bed" for days at a time, there's not a thing you can do about it.

2. Sometimes we think we really understand men. Then we regain consciousness.

3. Superskinny women really irritate us. We hate when they say, "Sometimes I just forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my anniversary and where I parked my car. But I've never forgotten to eat.

4. We do like to have sex, just not at midnight when we have to get up at the crack of dawn to feed two kids, three dogs, and a pair of fat goldfish.

5. We'll gladly agree to stop complaining about our "time of the month" if men will kindly take over the little chores of childbearing, morning sickness, and postpartum emotional swings. Deal?

6. Women really do want to be on time. It's just that everything starts so darned early.

7. We know high heels are sexy, but we'll take our comfy black Uggs any day of the week.

8. Homespun wisdom from someone who knows: Just because we're southern belles doesn't mean we have bats in our belfries.

9. We really do like to cook. It's just that we cooked so much for our boyfriends before we got married that we're sick of being in the kitchen. Sorry you missed it.

10. Men are free to think they're the boss, as long as they know we're the chairman of the board.

_________

Now, I may not agree with it all, but #2, #3, and #6 get a big "Hell, yeah!" from the dee-mon!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on July 27, 2006, 04:15:40 PM
nods an giggles.. agreein with ya sis.. but think that last one is up there also... **looks around for the bday boy then scrams....to hide**
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: aisling{MTC} on August 13, 2006, 07:57:40 AM
A man was walking along the beach in California and found a bottle.  He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle.  A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, " I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii.  I've never been able to go because I cannot fly, Airplanes are much too frightening for me.  On a boat,  I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic.  So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that.  Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean.  Imagine all the pavement needed.  No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted.  I would like to be able to understand women.  What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't.  Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said,  "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Yahira on August 15, 2006, 08:59:18 AM
SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN
AT THE
"LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS"
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY
Monday, August 31, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED
TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PMfor 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PMfor 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum ..
Mon! day at 8 :00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PMfor 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Prayer and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PMfor 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on August 15, 2006, 12:50:26 PM
*goes thru the list and checks off the ones Roy has apparently already taken.. hmmmm

Class 1.... we have a fridge with ice dispenser... he's excused.
Class 2.... received diploma
Class 3.... needs to take
Class 4.... REALLY needs to take
Class 5.... received diploma
Class 6.... received diploma
Class 7.... received diploma (altho I need this one)
Class 8.... sends cards while on ship... figure it's the same thing so received diploma
Class 9.... needs to take, altho rarely gets lost
Class 10... needs to take
Class 11... needs to take
Class 12... needs to take
Class 13... received diploma
Class 14... received diploma with honours!

Ya know... lookin over this... I really do have an exceptional man... *grin* I'se a lucky gal!  ;D

Title: Women and their asses
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on August 28, 2006, 07:40:28 PM
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...


The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and
they would have married him anyway...



*howling laughter*  this goes right along with ..

Sometimes, I wake up grumpy. .
sometimes, I leave him sleeping and go about my day..

LOL
*scrams*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on August 29, 2006, 06:09:56 AM
SWAT!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on August 29, 2006, 09:57:52 AM
*steals that last saying of woobies cuz well..I LIVE with Grumpy *BOL*


LM
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on August 29, 2006, 12:14:47 PM
*sitting on my pillow, still laughing*

LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on August 29, 2006, 12:52:30 PM
-hopes to be in the 65%-  :-\
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on September 01, 2006, 06:35:34 PM
LMFAO!!!

http://www.sugarbushsquirrel.com/

I think it's a toss up for me of the New Orleans Mardi Gras squirrel and the Rolling Squirrels performing at halftime Super Bowl XL


LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on September 03, 2006, 07:06:05 PM
that is a VERY patient squirrel!!! dang!!! *lol*

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on September 09, 2006, 07:54:06 PM
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the Gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the! Next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady "Up or down ?" She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on October 02, 2006, 04:12:46 PM
What Religion is Your Bra?
            A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

            Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.

            Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
            There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
            Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
            The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

            The Catholic type supports the masses.
            The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
            The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
            The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
            Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

            If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
            (A} Almost Boobs...
            {B} Barely there.
            {C} Can't Complain!
            {D} Dang!
            {DD} Double dang!
            {E} Enormous!
            {F} Fake.
            {G} Get a Reduction.
            {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Sahara on October 02, 2006, 07:53:41 PM
*rolls around laughing*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on October 02, 2006, 10:19:24 PM
-likes A, B, and C. nod nod nod-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on October 02, 2006, 10:54:40 PM
TITS!!!
TITS!!!
TITS!!!
TITS!!!
TITS!!!
TITS!!!

*has a meltdown*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on October 04, 2006, 12:38:02 PM
hey!! mine aren't fake!! just.... baby induced. *lol*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on October 24, 2006, 12:58:58 AM
THE BEST LAWYER STORY SO FAR THIS YEAR - 2006



One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on November 15, 2006, 05:29:35 AM
This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath,he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying and he wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Bruce, there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on November 15, 2006, 07:09:46 PM
Oh.  MY God.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on January 13, 2007, 12:11:31 AM
Oldies



Very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,
(mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

* * * * * * * * *

A gentleman went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"

* * * * * * * * *

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I
just wet my pants.

* * * * * * * * *

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new
restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man
thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower
you give to someone you love?
You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?

* * * * * * * * *
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a
chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I
don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
of her hospital gown."

* * * * * * * * *

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a
bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember
it?"
she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on
top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He
says, "I can remember that.You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget
that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to
write it down, I can remember it.
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old
man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment."Where's my toast?"

* * * * * * * * *

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she
good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook
too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church
mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the
world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"

* * * * * * * * *

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

* * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."

* * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor
spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur; be careful!'"

* * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on January 13, 2007, 12:12:13 AM
Interesting and True Facts



These are some really interesting facts

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out
mentally, didn't you?)

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (I'll betyou're going to check this out.)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

*** "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say ...... a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. (Who Cares?)

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. (but who really cares?)

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. (Again, who cares?)

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about
what my memory span is)

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. (Don't give a damn, I'm never gonna get that close.)

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
(Wouldn't buy from him anyway)

Almonds are a member of the peach family. (Nah, really?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.


February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. (Seems longer sonetimes)

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. (Why bother?)

There are more chickens than people in the world. (Thank God!!)

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. (That's what I call "pushing it")

Women blink nearly twice as much as men. (And don't seem to miss much) Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
.................Now you know everything!

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on January 13, 2007, 09:16:31 PM
Actually... *wrygrin* some of those are inacurate... first off, Mythbusters proved that goldfish DO have a memory span that is longer than 3 seconds, and can even be trained. AND.... *grin* The 2 dollar bill thing no longer applies since there IS no two dollar bill anymore... it's a 2 dollar coin, and there's no buildings on it... on one side is the Queen, and on the other side is a polar bear and her cub. HOWEVER, depending on where you put your fingers, the polar bears can look like a flock of penguins, or a T-Rex's head.

*chuckles*

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Furaan on January 14, 2007, 06:08:21 AM
Damn.. Kitya beat me to it... I'm a Mythbusters geek too....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on January 14, 2007, 08:01:51 AM
Neener neener neener!! *lol* I even have my dvr set to record all the new shows, just to make sure I don't miss them, and so that Roy and I can watch when he gets home next month! I'm just ticked that I didn't record the MEGA blast when they made, and blew up, the bomb... I KNOW Roy would have liked that! *lol*

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on January 16, 2007, 05:45:48 AM
 GOOD BYE MOM

I was shopping at Publix and noticed a little old lady following me around.  I stopped, she stopped.  Furthermore she kept staring at me. She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

I answered, "That's okay."  "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store", it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me.  Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.    "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.  "How come so much.. I only bought 5 items.."  The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."


Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on January 16, 2007, 05:54:39 AM
Collar the clerk... then chase down the old woman and slay her.

 ::)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: pleasure{MTC} on January 16, 2007, 06:53:25 PM
ok... naughty naughty jokes from pleasure...

whats a blonde's mating call?
i think im drunk!

whats an ugly blonde's mating call?
i SAID i think im drunk!

whats a brunettes mating call?
are those damn blondes gone yet?

whats a redheads mating call?
NEXT!

*ducks and runs for cover*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on January 16, 2007, 06:55:54 PM
OMG... -dies laughing-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on January 16, 2007, 09:19:58 PM
hey.............. chanz is no wait chanz is auburn okies.. *smiles an saunters off*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on January 17, 2007, 02:24:02 AM
*blink blink blinks*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on January 17, 2007, 03:21:58 PM
*laughs*

cause mine has long been...

you can't be first, but you can be next... LOL

(its the redhead in me I guess)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on January 17, 2007, 04:30:31 PM
or in some cases... after you i come first....lol
Title: How to tell if you have smelly feet!
Post by: Jay on January 18, 2007, 05:37:06 PM
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/tegutai/cat1.jpg)(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/tegutai/cat2.jpg)(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/tegutai/cat3.jpg)(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/tegutai/cat4.jpg)(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/tegutai/cat5.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on January 18, 2007, 06:56:30 PM
*just freakin dies laffin*

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on January 23, 2007, 03:35:13 PM
General Motors Versus Microsoft



At one computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because almost none of the controls would operate the same way as in the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on January 23, 2007, 04:29:49 PM
OH my God, that's great. BOL!

I once worked for MSN, and all I have to say is... yep!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on January 23, 2007, 07:26:44 PM
I totally love number 7... *laffs*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on January 24, 2007, 11:26:24 AM
Flag Pole

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," Bubba said, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on January 24, 2007, 11:29:53 AM
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody

Whose Job Is It?
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/taryn/cosmicdrum.jpg)

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on February 17, 2007, 09:16:59 PM
The ventriloquist cowboy and the Indian



While riding the range one day, a ventriloquist cowboy met an Indian riding
along with a dog and a sheep and decided to have some fun with him.



Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"



Indian: "Dog no talk."



Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"



Dog: "Doin' good."



Indian is shocked . .



Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.



Dog: "Yep"



Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"



Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."



Indian has a look of total disbelief.



Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"



Indian: "Horse no talk."



Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you?"



Horse: "Good."



Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" indicating the Indian again.



Horse: "Yep"



Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"



Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down
often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain."



Indian stares in utter amazement.



Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"



Indian: "Sheep is liar."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on February 28, 2007, 08:18:13 PM
CROSSING THE DELAWARE


Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (((remember this number))) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and was storming furiously, and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (((remember this name))) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and  forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us, without Peters "

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 28, 2007, 08:42:51 PM
egawds...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on March 15, 2007, 10:55:57 PM
Medical Distinction between balls and guts



We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 16, 2007, 01:50:02 PM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on March 16, 2007, 02:09:24 PM
Balls....Guts...I simply refer to it as Stupidity.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on March 19, 2007, 06:52:25 PM
*He said -I don't know why you wear a bra;
 you've got nothing to put in it.
 She said -You wear pants don't you?
****
 He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
 She said - That's a good idea! You stand by the ironing board, while    I sit on the sofa and fart!
****
 He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave  you?
 She said -Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
****
 He said - How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
 She said - I don't know.  It has never happened.
****
 He said - Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring   and good-looking?
 She said -They already have boyfriends.
****
 He said - What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is   every night?
 She said - A widow.
****
 He said - Why are married women heavier than single women?
 She said -Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator, and   go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the  refrigerator.*




Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy.

He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the
barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to
climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.

He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line
Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific!

My son is also my pride and joy he started working for a big airline,
and then went to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the
majority of its assets.

He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer.

Then he started his own construction company and is now a
multimillionaire.

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best
friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked:

"What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for
the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him.

And he hasn't done too badly either.

His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000
square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends"





Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 20, 2007, 12:57:09 AM
*groans*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on March 21, 2007, 05:03:26 AM
That's so bad. -groans-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: ariella {*Arlon*} on March 22, 2007, 09:49:18 AM
As promised to Master Ubar, based on the events of last night, my father/daughter shotgun joke:

A farmer had 3 daughters of dating age, and they all had a date on the same night. The first boy was met at the front porch with a shotgun, and the boy said "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we are going out to eat spaghetti, is she ready?

The farmer thought he looked harmless enough so he lowered his gun and let them leave.

A little while later, another boy pulls up, and approaches, and he is met with the shotgun as well. The boy says "Hi, my name is Joe, I am here for Flo, we are going to the show, can she go?" And the farmer thought he looked harmless enough, so he lowered the gun and let them leave.

Finally, the last boy pulls up, and says "Hi, my name is Chuck,,,

and the farmer shot him.

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on March 22, 2007, 10:10:48 AM
~sneaks this up...and scrams fast, laughing~

Masters Phoenix Night, Ubar, and Redbeard were sitting round the fires one night, unwinding, talking of raids and such, while drinking paga. As the newest bowls were served up, and the Three were about to begin the next round, when three flies land in the pungent liquid.

Master Phoenix, growled in disgust, and threw His paga into the fires...

Master Ubar, fishes out the fly, and downs the paga, as if nothing happened...

Master Redbeard also picks the fly out of His tasty beverage, but then holds it over the paga, yelling..."Spit it out! Spit it out ya bastard!!!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on March 22, 2007, 12:29:08 PM
omg, I can so see that happening!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on March 22, 2007, 03:02:52 PM
~lmao~ me too, deeelicious! .. me too!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 22, 2007, 04:25:56 PM
As promised to Master Ubar, based on the events of last night, my father/daughter shotgun joke:

A farmer had 3 daughters of dating age, and they all had a date on the same night. The first boy was met at the front porch with a shotgun, and the boy said "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we are going out to eat spaghetti, is she ready?

The farmer thought he looked harmless enough so he lowered his gun and let them leave.

A little while later, another boy pulls up, and approaches, and he is met with the shotgun as well. The boy says "Hi, my name is Joe, I am here for Flo, we are going to the show, can she go?" And the farmer thought he looked harmless enough, so he lowered the gun and let them leave.

Finally, the last boy pulls up, and says "Hi, my name is Chuck,,,

and the farmer shot him.




I like this farmer's style!!! LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 22, 2007, 04:26:55 PM
~sneaks this up...and scrams fast, laughing~

Masters Phoenix Night, Ubar, and Redbeard were sitting round the fires one night, unwinding, talking of raids and such, while drinking paga. As the newest bowls were served up, and the Three were about to begin the next round, when three flies land in the pungent liquid.

Master Phoenix, growled in disgust, and threw His paga into the fires...

Master Ubar, fishes out the fly, and downs the paga, as if nothing happened...

Master Redbeard also picks the fly out of His tasty beverage, but then holds it over the paga, yelling..."Spit it out! Spit it out ya bastard!!!"


LOL yuppers.... just another night in Tuchuk!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Sidona on March 22, 2007, 08:24:11 PM
OMG! Thats so what RB would do!


Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on March 30, 2007, 07:43:07 AM
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido .. "What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor .
 
"Not a chance", she said . "He won't even take an aspirin" ..

"Not a problem", replied the doctor . "Give him! an "Irish Viagra" . It's  when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee . He won't even taste it . Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress . The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate . He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop!  It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in that Starbucks again!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on March 30, 2007, 08:39:33 AM
that was just so cute Master... runs off giggling
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on March 30, 2007, 02:49:54 PM
~bol~
now that...was funny :D


and ummm...this is something i found, that just me, well...giggle~


Interview with the Easter Bunny



EASTER BUNNY CHAT

With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not a busier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once a year, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions of boys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy and eggs as part of the celebration of Easter.
America Online spent a few minutes with the Easter Bunny as he was preparing for this year's task, for a tell-all, no-holds-barred interview. If you thought you knew the Easter Bunny, you just may be surprised.

America Online: Thanks for talking to us.

Easter Bunny: No problem. Do you mind if I eat while we talk? [takes out a packet of small green pellets] I've been in a rush recently.

AOL: Go right ahead. We've got a list of questions here, compiled from our members, and I'll just go down the list if you don't mind.

EB: Ready when you are.

AOL: The first question comes from Ted, in Dayton, Ohio. He writes: "We all know that Santa's Workshop is located at the North Pole. Does the Easter Bunny have a workshop, and if so, where is it located?"

EB: Well, Ted, the answer is yes, I do have a workshop. It's located in San Bernardino, California.

AOL: San Bernardino?

EB: That's right.

AOL: You have to understand that most people would have figured some place like Easter Island.

EB: Have you *been* to Easter Island? What a rock! It's the single most isolated piece of land on the planet. By the time we shipped fresh eggs there, we'd have chickens. Besides, San Bernardino has the sort of motivated labor pool we need.

AOL: Elves?

EB: Laid-off aerospace workers.

AOL: They would seem to be a little overqualified.

EB: Maybe. But now we have some lovely chocolate stealth bombers.

AOL: Our next question comes from Cindy, in Tempe. She writes: "Why is the Easter Bunny a bunny? Why couldn't it have been the Easter Kitty or the Easter Puppy?"

EB: That's a very good question. In fact, in the late 70s, we as an organization decided to play around with the whole "bunny" thing by recruiting prominent local animals to deliver Easter baskets. In 1978, when the experiment was at its height, we had an Easter Bunny, an Easter Coyote, an Easter Manatee and an Easter Komodo Dragon.

AOL: What happened?

EB: It just didn't work out. The Komodo dragon ate the eggs, the coyote just flaked out, and the manatee, if I may say so, was just about as dumb as a stick.
There were some other problems with the program, too. The less we talk about the whole Easter Man-Eating Bengali Swamp Tiger episode, the better. Now we stick with bunnies. We know bunnies. We can work with bunnies. Bunnies don't eat anyone.

AOL: Bob in Honolulu asks: "Is there is just one Easter Bunny? Moreover, has the same Easter Bunny been the Easter Bunny for the last couple of millennia?"

EB: The fact of the matter is that there are quite a few Easter Bunnies, and we've never made a secret about that. Unlike the Santa Claus operation, which works under the improbable assumption that one guy delivers all those presents -

AOL: Are you saying that Santa is a sham?

EB: I didn't say that. I never said that. What I am saying is that *we* don't work under the same sort of constraints. I mean, think about it. One bunny delivering baskets to several hundred million homes across the planet? The friction from the atmosphere alone would turn the poor guy into a bunny briquette. There'd be hideous charcoal smudges all over the baskets. "Easter Bunny" is a job description, not a proper name. It's like "Postal Carrier,"
except our employees very rarely become disgruntled.

AOL: So why are you THE Easter Bunny?

EB: Because I'm boss. You're not an Easter Bunny until I say you are.

AOL: How does one become an Easter Bunny?

EB: Well, it's not just hopping down the bunny trail, I'll tell you. First, for reasons already explained, you have to be a bunny. After that, we have a psychological evaluation and a battery of physical tests you have to pass.
We
can't afford to have an Easter Bunny cramp up at the beginning of his run.

AOL: Any famous rabbits turned down for the job?

EB: I don't want to name names. But one bunny who's making a living in the breakfast cereal industry, we had to let go. Any time a child would try to get an Easter basket from him, he'd back away and start snarling. He was a silly rabbit. Easter baskets are for kids.

AOL: He seems to have gotten better since then.

EB: Prozac helps.

AOL: Albert from Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, wants to know what the occupational hazards of being the Easter Bunny are.

EB: There are several. Large dogs are always a problem, of course: one moment you're delivering a basket of goodies, the next, a rottweiler named Pinochet is on you like a meat-filled sock. Nervous homeowners with guns wing a couple of bunnies a year, as do edgy cops and private security guards. We don't even bother trying to deliver to the children of militia members anymore; first they'll plug you for being on their land, then they'll make you into jerky and a pair of gloves. But you know what our number one problem is?

AOL: What?

EB: Sliding glass doors. Sometimes we'll just forget they're there. Man, that's embarrassing.

AOL: Here's an interesting question, from Amy, in New York City. She writes:
"How does the Easter Bunny get along with Santa Claus? It seems like Santa gets all the attention." And I have to say, I did notice some tension earlier, when you brought him up.

EB (looking uncomfortable): Well, you know, look. I don't want to say anything bad about the guy. He does what he does, and I do what I do. Professionally, we get along fine.

AOL: But privately?

EB: Is that tape recorder turned off?

AOL: Uh...sure.

EB: He's a big ol' pain in this bunny's bottom. For one thing, he's a prima
donna: always me, me, me, where's my hot tea, where's my corned beef sandwich, tell this dumb bunny to get his own dressing room. I'd rather be trapped in a sack with Joan Crawford. For another, he's totally paranoid of other large men.
He thinks that Luciano Pavarotti is trying to move into his territory. Last year it was John Goodman. He actually danced when Orson Welles kicked, waving his pistol and bellowing "Rosebud!" from the top of his lungs.

AOL: Wow. He seems a little scary.

EB: You think? And yet he gets all the publicity. Why? We do the same job.
Mine's actually tougher, since I'm moving perishable stuff. You can't have bad eggs or stale chocolate, you know. Folks wouldn't stand for it. I have to maintain strict quality control. The only food product he has to worry about is fruitcake. You could tile the Space Shuttle with fruitcake.

AOL: We're sure you have your own fans.

EB: It's like opening for the Beatles, is all. And he *is* the walrus, if you know what I mean.

AOL: One final question, from Pat, in Rockford, Illinois; "Does the Easter Bunny actually lay eggs? How does that happen, since the Easter Bunny is both male and a mammal?"

EB: Well, platypuses are mammals, and they lay eggs. So it's not impossible.

AOL: That still leaves the male part.

EB: We're quibbling on details, here.

AOL: Maybe there should be an Easter Platypus.

EB: Sorry. We tried that in '79.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on March 30, 2007, 04:19:57 PM
LMTAO

and Holy shit! I used to live in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. heh
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: pleasure{MTC} on April 04, 2007, 12:24:57 PM
an email i received today


SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?


"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.   (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
                                 

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
                       

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".  (Are you doubting this?)
                                       

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
                           

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
                             
 
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)

                         


There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.    (You're not doubting this, are you?)
                                                                   

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say . a e i o u)
                                                                   

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)
                                                 

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
                                   

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.  (Some days that's about what my memory span is)
                                                   

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
                           

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
                                           


A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)
                                                                 

Almonds are a member of the peach family.
                                 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
                                 

Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
                               

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
                                 

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
                             

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
                 
 
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
                               

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
               

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
                           

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
                                   

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
                                                 

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)
                                             
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
                       

There are more chickens than people in the world.
                                 
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
                             

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
                             
Now you know everything!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: pleasure{MTC} on April 04, 2007, 12:26:46 PM
*posts this quick and runs like BERAT is chasing her*


Dublin Ballerina



A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in
Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy
a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the
end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed;

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,

revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a
lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said,

"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Murphy,
it's your

business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to
be a ballerina!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: pleasure{MTC} on April 04, 2007, 12:30:05 PM
THE DIVORCE LETTER...
>
>
Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you for good...!!!
I've been a good man to you for seven years and
I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been
hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and
that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice
that I had gotten a new
hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went
straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me
you love me anymore, you
don't want sex anymore or anything. Either
you're cheating on me or you
don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm
gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!




Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving
your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much
because they drown
out your constant whining and griping. Too bad
that doesn't work. I did
notice when you got a hair cut last week, the
first thing that came to mind was
You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised
me not to say anything
if you can't say anything nice. And when you
cooked my favorite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER,
because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago. I turned away from you when you
had those new silk boxers
on because the price tag was still on them. I
prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99... After
all of
this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit
the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job
and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope
you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your
letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but
Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: pleasure{MTC} on April 04, 2007, 12:32:32 PM
*hugs my email friends and scoots away before she gets a spanky* ;D

Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away
from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked,
"Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy
Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." we walked
along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering
this new information.

OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to
be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: pleasure{MTC} on April 04, 2007, 12:36:29 PM
STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!)

  Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

   Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that  sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety....
  WAY TOO COOL!

  Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

   Awesome!!!


   Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Betty what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

  Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!
   There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised.
  Was I wrong?

  So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

  All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What
happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

   I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
  I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
  HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

  I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

  Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
be considered conservative.

  SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little
I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles?
  I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on April 04, 2007, 12:39:49 PM
No matter how many times over the years I've read that taser story, it still nearly makes Me wet Myself, because it's just too fuckin' funny! ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on April 04, 2007, 03:18:39 PM
-wonders what I need to do to get a taser-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on April 04, 2007, 03:41:51 PM
The 4 puppies



A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign
advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge
of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a
tug on his overalls. He looked down
into the eyes of little boy.

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer,
as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck,
"These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his
pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

"I've got thirty-nine cents.
Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer.
And with that
he let out a whistle.
"Here, Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by
four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence.
His eyes danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way
to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smal ler. Down
the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup
began hobbling toward the others,
doing its best to catch up...

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The
farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy.
He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs
would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and
began rolling up one leg of his trousers.

In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his
leg, attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer,
he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need
someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes,
the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.
Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy.
"No charge," answered the farmer,
"There's no charge for love."

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Ayelen on April 04, 2007, 04:03:04 PM
You know, I can think of a few people who might actually be like that dude with the taser and do exactly what he did....

Man that was hilarious.  Reminds me of the guy that ran out of fluid for the BBQ and used "just a tad" of gasoline....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on April 04, 2007, 05:58:30 PM
-wants a puppy now too-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on April 09, 2007, 09:39:48 AM
heh heh heh


All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my  *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice tha t I've only managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,  breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
*Hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo- ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo  painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color... Now that's funny ... Notttttttttt!!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on April 09, 2007, 06:59:52 PM
JDL!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on April 09, 2007, 07:43:48 PM
I have done something that is in my mind a bit more painful, to which is why I rarely if I can shave my legs with a regular razor...

Soaking in a tub of hot water, just finished cleaning myself and decide that I am going to shave my legs, it's only been about 2 weeks, but I liked to have my legs smooth... ~tries not to cringe~ Those who have seen me know how tall I am, well my back is against the back of the tub, my left leg propped up in the corner against that little shelf there, and my knee is slightly bent... I lean forward with the razor in my left hand, this is a slow moment, as I am right handed and I am very careful... ~cringes and pulls her leg up in remembrance~ just as the razor hits the skin and I start to go upwards, I hear gun shots, which is a normal occurance in the neighborhood we were living in... anyways, I jump, the blades of the razor digs into my ankle bone and rips upwards taking off at least 5 layers of skin... leg drops into the hot, soapy and dirty water and instead of screaming at first, I just think about passing out, but don't, got close... after it settles over me what happened, the bath water is a nice shade of red, I calmly call out to hubby for him to come in... he flips and the guys that were in the living room appear in the bathroom and get me out of the tub and start to take care of me...

So needless to say, I don't shave all that much unless my electric shaver is working, and since that's rare, as it's old, I tend to look like a Kassar Free Woman... ~sighs and goes off to hide~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on April 10, 2007, 03:42:38 AM
*Shudders and Screams..... then RUNS!!!*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on April 10, 2007, 12:32:00 PM
Yow Sis... However..have done something much like that..only no gunshots..no guys hanging out in the living room to take care of my naked butt..and I did it in the shower. Amber..is a klutz. -nods- Will show you the scar at the gathering -lol-  Right above my ankle bone..bled for days.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: pleasure{MTC} on April 12, 2007, 10:27:51 AM
pleasure remembers the evilness of the razor... the slaughter of the flesh... Kassar here we come Mistress Taryn, if pleasure doesnt have nair, shes hairy! *giggles and scampers*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on April 14, 2007, 04:42:37 PM
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (Absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on April 14, 2007, 05:10:50 PM
JFDLMTAO!!! ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on April 14, 2007, 06:40:26 PM
heh heh heh...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on April 15, 2007, 07:17:57 PM
I... can't argue with that!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: ariella {*Arlon*} on April 17, 2007, 08:55:35 AM
This was so darn funny, i just had to share. Requires a certain sick sense of humor to appreciate, but it seems we all share that here. Check out this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOQtifozjHY
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on April 17, 2007, 04:29:34 PM
hehehehehehe


THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden,but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad


A week later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on April 17, 2007, 04:48:32 PM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on April 17, 2007, 06:52:31 PM
Awww that's sweet of his Jail Bait son!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on April 20, 2007, 05:29:50 AM
Mirror"
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,



 he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on April 20, 2007, 05:39:42 AM
http://www.tagged.com/video_player.html?vid=121062&uid=20535631


glad our cats has not learn this...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on April 20, 2007, 05:41:41 AM
LMTAO @ the mirror!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on April 20, 2007, 05:46:10 AM
They would really have something going there if they trained the cat to use the toilet first!!!

 ::) :D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on April 20, 2007, 07:16:15 AM
  that is true Master Ubar.... giggles
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Krul on April 20, 2007, 07:55:54 AM
lure ...looks at you ....*wg* .... I think you have too much time on your hands.  Heaven ain't bad *w*

Krul
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Krul on April 20, 2007, 07:59:22 AM
ari.... I laughed and laughed and laughed at the on ..... so damn funny!!!!

Krul
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Krul on April 20, 2007, 08:01:36 AM
Teg


LOL ..... now that's thinking !!

Krul
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: ariella {*Arlon*} on April 20, 2007, 06:19:28 PM
ari.... I laughed and laughed and laughed at the on ..... so damn funny!!!!

Krul
*smiles big* i'm glad that there are those of us who have that sense of humor, Master
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on April 20, 2007, 09:45:05 PM
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him,
>"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
>
>   "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
>
>   "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
urine
>sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.
>
>   It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than
a
>doctor."
>
>   So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Wal-Mart.
>
>   He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the
>urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>
>   Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>
>   "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>activity. It will improve in two
>   weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
>
>   That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe
>began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>
>   He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from
>his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
>
>   Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He
deposits
>ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
>
>   The computer prints the following:
>
>   1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
>   2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
>   3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>   4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>   5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get
>better!
>
>   Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on April 20, 2007, 09:50:31 PM
omg!!!
now thats just funny~roflmtao~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on April 21, 2007, 05:54:05 PM
LMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on April 26, 2007, 02:14:56 PM
just having one of those days.....

(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/lure/robinani.gif)

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on April 26, 2007, 10:59:42 PM
Beware the DC......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little over a year ago, I had an serious accident in my own shop involving my 3 hp Jet dust collector. The recent discussion about dust collecting has given me the "shove" necessary to write about it and the passage of time has dulled the memory to the point where I can now discuss it in public.

My wife is a sweetheart of a person, who I met for the first time while attending kindergarten in our home town of Marshall MO. She beat me up that first day of school. We were always friends during our school years and continued to be friends right up to the time we were married. We've
now been married for 29 years and she has mellowed to the point where she seldom beats me up anymore, since it upsets the dog when it happens.

About a year ago, my wife and I decided to "reward" ourselves for the last kid going off to college with a trip to Alaska and a leisurely cruise down the Inside Passage to Vancouver. It was to be a vacation of a lifetime for us. Planning for the trip went smoothly, with the only glitch being my good wife forgetting to make an appointment at the beauty parlor for
the day before we were to leave.

I spent the day before the trip straightening up my shop so that a burglar wouldn't trip over anything and sue me for his injuries. My wife came downstairs in the afternoon to ask me if I would trim her hair just a tad so that it would look better for the trip. Since I've been
virtually bald since my days in college, I have always just cut my own hair with an old pair of Oster clippers that I bought while in college. There, I had learned the simple fact that food is more important than a professional haircut.

In my shop, I have a 3-hp Jet dust collector that is fed via blast gates from both ducts in the floor AND via a 25' 4" flex hose that connects to the floor sweep/planer/jointer or other movable tools. Since my wife's hair is about 3" long, I thought that it'd be nice to hold the clippers inside
the 4" flex pipe so that her hair would stand straight out from her head. This would make it easier to get a smooth cut, in my opinion.


************************************************** ********************
note: FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MIGHT BE SENSITIVE, quit reading right here
************************************************** ********************

For those of you continuing to read this tale of woe, here's what happened. This is absolutely true and unadulterated or exaggerated.

My dear wife of 29 years, and the mother of my children, placed her rump on a stool I keep in the shop and proceeded to tell me exactly how much hair she wanted removed from the top, sides and bangs. I walked over to the DC, fired it up and closed off all but the blast gate leading to the 4" flex hose. With the old Oster clippers up inside the hose and me grasping the cutter end of them between my thumb and forefinger, I could hold the 4" flex hose with the other hand and maneuver both things easily. I leaned over my wife's pretty face and made the first cut- doing her bangs.

The hair stood out perfectly from her forehead and the results of that first swipe was terrific. I figured that I would probably get some reward from a beauty college for my wonderful invention. The second swipe was from side-to-side just above and behind the bangs. It went equally well.

Then all hell broke loose.

I claim that my wife moved, but she claims that claim is merely caused by the random firing of obviously defective neurons in my addled brain.

For the third swipe, I had walked around to the rear of my wife's head and was beginning to make the cut across the top of her head. Regardless of the cause (I still say it had to be her fault), the damn 4" flex hose somehow sucked down onto the top of her dear, sweet head. The clippers were running full bore inside the pipe and doing the job that Mr. Oster had designed his clippers to do.

The suction of a DC hose isn't great, but when even the most modest suction is spread over the area of a 4" hose (that conforms well to the shape of a wife's head), there actually is a momentary "grab." It startled my good wife, who let out with a squall and tried to stand up/
kick me/ brush the 4" hose off of her head and explain how I was mentally defective all at the same time. During all this, I was attempting to knock the hose away from her head as well. I naturally succeeded in dislodging it (actually, it probably fell off on its own), but it fell to
the OTHER side of her precious little head.

The result was that my wife now had perfectly trimmed bangs, followed by a bald stripe that went damn near from ear-to-ear across the top of her head. Think of it as an inverted Mowhawk that has been rotated 90 degrees. This was NOT what my dear wife had in mind when she asked me to trim a bit off of her hair.

This tale now goes from bad to worse, because I tried to remedy the problem by tapering the hair toward the "kerf" and shortening up the rest. Saying that my attempts to remedy the situation were unsuccessful would be like saying that Custer was unsuccessful at taming the Indians.

When that poor old woman finally got to the mirror, I knew that a personal Hell for me was at hand. It was. Now I stand just over 6', am in pretty good shape and tip the scales at almost 280#. My sweet wife and companion of all those years couldn't be over 5'-4", weighs a LOT less and has Multiple Sclerosis. However, she took one look at her new "do" and took off after me like a rabid doberman. She runs pretty darn well when she's mad. I learned something else that afternoon. I learned that the sweet old woman had obviously been kicked out of the Marine Corps because of her foul, potty mouth. The things that woman said, and the things that she
called me, have absolutely prevented her from EVER enjoying the pleasures of heaven, in my humble opinion.

I got little sleep that night, since my good wife felt the need to wake me every ten minutes or so to further discuss the consternation and distress I'd caused her, and to share her emotions and feelings with me. Since Lorena Bobbit had been in the news recently, I had very real additional reasons to remain awake and sober. We were leaving that next morning and there was no time for her to get a wig. We simply went ahead with the trip, with my wife acting (and looking) like a madwoman. Needless to say, the subject of her hair came up frequently. Whenever things would get a little boring on the cruise, I'd tell her, "Vicki, that haircut looks like
hell," and it would start all over again.

I tried to alleviate the tension by confidentially offering more rational explanations to inquiring folks than that she was "having a bad-hair day." I explained to our cabin steward that my wife had been in a fight with a wildcat while knife-hunting in Colorado. I told our waiter that she had
she had almost completely overcome a terribly contageous case of head lice. A waitress in the lounge was told that medication had almost completely curbed my wife's terrible impulses with butcher knives. Generally, I'd just comment to curious folks that, "She's much calmer now
that the medication is taking effect."

A year later, my good wife STILL winces whenever she hears my DC winding up in the shop. The hair has grown back and is as pretty as before my "trim," but the fleeting trust that my wife has for my ability to cut hair is certainly diminished.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on April 26, 2007, 11:53:55 PM
JFDL!!!

Well... I suppose he could have finished the job and just told everyone she was his slave and was being punished. *G*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: nizhoni{Din'Shular} on April 27, 2007, 12:21:18 AM
-jfdlmao-  now THAT is classic!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Krul on April 27, 2007, 05:22:29 AM
Dies laughing here !!!

Ubar that wouldn't have been a bad idea either and she'd probably liked better than with that short hair.

Krul
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on April 27, 2007, 08:56:22 AM
She could have at least just shaved her head, and said she donated her hair to locks of love or something.  But I'm sure if Beau ever did that.  I'd kill him.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on April 28, 2007, 05:37:35 AM
*knows how to make a bomb to blow up a shop if that trick should be suggested at home*

LOL


of course, he would have to be about 5 feet away from my head to "trim" the stuff anyway.. *still laughing hard*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on May 05, 2007, 10:36:06 AM
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel  where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to  Florida
on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There w as a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home  from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home  to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e- mail
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading  the
first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the  room,
found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen  which
read:



To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here  now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've  just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has  been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing  you
then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on May 05, 2007, 10:37:43 AM
Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second,
"If I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your
wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby,
would that make us kin?"


The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute,
scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking
real hard about the question.



Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on May 05, 2007, 10:40:49 AM
A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on May 05, 2007, 10:42:52 AM
The Prospector and the Gunslinger


An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.
I just never wanted to.
"A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No.  But I've always wanted to."

Don't mess with old farts . . . . .
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on May 05, 2007, 10:46:54 AM
The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked"

They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replied.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he said, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on May 05, 2007, 10:50:40 AM
The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on May 05, 2007, 10:57:52 AM
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates.

Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on her pillow.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day!

Oh, and... woo-woo!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on May 05, 2007, 10:59:36 AM
There are always two ways to look at every thing.

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.


The wife asks, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' sighs the husband, 'She's my ex-girl friend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My Goodness!' says the wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on May 05, 2007, 11:03:43 AM
BUBBA GOES SWIMMING

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

'It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old  fool...

They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos-about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man.....you'll have all the babes you want!'


The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'



'Lard-Almighty Bubba!' said Billy-Bob, 'the tater goes in the front!'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Arlon on May 05, 2007, 11:38:35 AM
Just a lil quickie to brighten y'all's day a little..... :

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
but every once in awhile, you get lucky,
and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.


(And of all people.... I got this from my Mom......go figure! LOL)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: ariella {*Arlon*} on May 06, 2007, 05:43:19 PM
BOL, at You, my Master,and the jokes from Mistress. i needed a good laugh
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: ariella {*Arlon*} on May 06, 2007, 05:51:54 PM
TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... But, this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked !!!

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid...



(FYI, i am not this stupid, it was an e-mail that went around, but funny, i'm sure there are some people who would fall for this one!)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on May 06, 2007, 06:45:37 PM
JDL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on May 10, 2007, 09:00:42 AM

Wine or Water

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

 ::) ;) ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on May 10, 2007, 09:53:11 AM
Word.

-grins-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Arlon on May 12, 2007, 11:17:25 AM
BOL guess that makes Me the Tuchuk health department!  :P  Good one, Bro!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on May 16, 2007, 02:25:57 PM
found this on another board and had to share it~lol~

Who is Jack Shit?



(warning: this may get kinda confuseing LOL)

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.....

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.


Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Against her parent's objections, the other twin, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg
Schitt-Happens, Byrd Schitt-Happens and Horse Schitt-Happens.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.


Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Sincerely
Crock O. Shit...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on May 16, 2007, 08:45:13 PM
Rules for Life



1. By the butterfly effect, you hold some responsibility for any event that occurs.
2. Spoons and forks are created by man, but sporks are manifestations of pure nature.
3. Assume nothing is mundane; life is automatically more perplexing.
4. No matter how hard you try, you will never see the invisible truck that will run you over in the street.
5. The one thing in life guaranteed to go wrong is Murphy's Law.
6. One person cannot make a difference unless someone else notices that difference.
7. You can fail yourself, but failing another is not permissible.
8. Two years of therapy is equivalent to an hour talk with the right dog.
9. You use your tongue for tasting. Tasting good.
10. Fight not to win the battle but to win the war.
11. If something you desire that others you love have is denied to you, do not hate that which you desire, but instead embrace your friends' having of it. Denying something to all is not the answer.
12. That which you makes you stronger probably should have killed you, but it didn't.
13. Live. Then die. In that order. No exceptions.
14. It's amazing how much you can say without actually saying it.
15. When all is said and done, being alone in life is better than being chased by an axe-wielding maniac.
16. Before telling a joke, check its expiration date.
17. Talking to yourself is okay. Giving yourself the silent treatment because you're mad at yourself is not.
18. When rating how well something went, the fact that nothing spontaneously caught on fire is a good thing.
19. Be like a blob.
20. For good health, be anal about one thing every day.
21. Our imaginations house our future, our potential, and our ruin. Make sure your imaginary friends are not your enemies.
22. You are not your parents.
23. Saving some bread for the future will not work. You can only eat in the present.
24. Everything will be okay in the morning. Just close your eyes.
25. Ask the questions that you have.
26. Every king needs his sword.
27. Happily ever after is not for the real world. The stories of your life don't end when the book does.
28. A good way to feel superior is to ride an elevator where your floor is higher than everyone else's.
29. You are not the hero of some movie, novel, film or story. You're not the villain either. You are not even a supporting character for someone else. You just are.
30. People carrying umbrellas need not walk under awnings.
31. If it has the word 'uber' in it, it must be good.
32. The enemy of 'good' is 'better'
33. Only the present is fixed. Both the future and the past are mutable in how you look at them.
34. You are alive, dangnabbit!
35. If ever in Shangri-La, ask for directions and leave.
36. You must always casually conform... at your earliest convenience.
37. Never question the cream puff.
38. If you can build a frickin' dysonsphere, you better be able to do artificial gravity as well.
39. Just as cars should allow pedestrians to pass, so should the pedestrians occasionally allow cars to pass.
40. If you cut the baby in half, the problem will solve itself.
41. Misunderstood words can still hurt once understanding is achieved.
42. Digesting one's self, while ecologically friendly, is sociologically damaging.
43. If you have a metal fork for a head, stay in bed and indoors on stormy days out of fear of lightning.
44. Time is an illusion invented by the Swiss to sell watches.
45. The general consensus says that overall, life basically sucks, save the one saving grace that if you didn't have life, you'd be dead.
46. If anyone were to rule the world, it should not be a guy with mismatched socks.
47. It can get lonely on a planet with approximately 6,000,000,000 people.
48. For a merdog, the wetness of its nose is no indication of the animal's overall health.
49. Violating an outline will not result in being smited from above, below, or at sea level.
50. Never invade Russia come winter.
51. No toil should be without an effect.
52. BELIEVE IN LOWERCASE.
53. Honesty is the best policy unless you are in a prevarication competition.
54. Fear the past that was not yours to help others who walk the path.
55. In the land of the freaks, a normal person can be viewed at a sideshow for only a nickel.
56. Buying a Brita water filter alone will not save the environment.
57. Never make important life decisions when working in a greenhouse in July in Kentucky.
58. Before you can compromise, you must be selfish.
59. The first step to universal harmony is to kill off the tone-deaf.
60. The answer to 'the Chicken or the Egg?' is turtles all the way down.
61. Picking up a bundle of straw does not unbreak the camel's back.
62. If all it took to fly was a cape, Dracula would not have needed to transform into a bat.
63. One can always consider it progress that nowadays, only 50% of marriages end in death.
64. It is unwise to get wasted in the afternoon just to take a 15-minute nap.
65. All roads lead to Rome, especially those that go out of Rome.
66. According to quantum theory, there is always a universe in which you chose to wear the chicken suit.
67. Every time you commit a misdeed, you bring your evil twin one step closer to the side of good.
68. Life contains a lot of unhappiness; one just needs to make sure it's a bearable unhappiness.
69. When making rennet, you might as well make veal.
70. To make a difference, one must subtract one number from another.
71. If this planet ever becomes a world without borders, geography class will be a snap.
72. The pen is mightier than the sword, except when it comes to cutting paper.
73. When it comes to removing the 'Do not remove tag' on a pillow, do what a Zen master would do.
74. Setting the bar low, when not limbo dancing, is a good thing.
75. Cold is an absence; heat is an existence.
76. Happiness is cool grass on your belly and a yellow dandelion nearby to eat.
77. Sometimes you need a lick on the nose to remind you what's really important in life.
78. All views are important to hear because somewhere in the chorus of opinions is the single melody of truth.
79. Hindsight is 20/50.
80. It is quite hard to spoon a triceratops in a double bed.
81. Never go to Hungary in the middle of learning French.
82. Always assume sarcasm.
83. You can melt in someone's arms, and an ice cube can melt in any oven.
84. Never skip out on a date with a godlike being.
85. Never stab a person in the back. You'll miss the look of shock and terror on their face.
86. Colons are good; everyone should have one.
87. Every gift has the potential of paper-cut-inducing wrapping paper.
88. I promise.
89. In order to make Edward R. Murrow turn over in his grave, one must place his ashes in an hourglass.
90. One may become triumphant upon the acquisition of three elephants.
91. God forbid but lecturing might actually be the answer.
92. Go ahead and move. It will help hasten the inevitable heat death of the universe.
93. Character limits are anti-British.
94. When Thor shows up, it's always deus ex machina.
95. From time to time, walk out in the mystical
moist night air and look up in perfect silence at the stars.
96. The needs of the bladder outweigh the needs of the few.
97. All medication either cures or causes erectile dysfunction. Some do both.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on May 16, 2007, 08:55:53 PM
LMTAO HAI!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on May 17, 2007, 06:08:08 AM
Bwaaahahaha! OMG, I think I'm going to be stealing some of these for my MSN messenger tag!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on May 25, 2007, 03:08:53 PM
LOL

Got this from my friend in Alaska



IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU
IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
    WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

 




 

HELLOOooOOOooOOOOo!!!!!!!!!
YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG FRICKIN' HOUSE, THAT'S WHERE YOU'D BE!! 



*howling* no s**t... thanks Gramma Judy~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on June 01, 2007, 06:55:07 AM
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to
enter a password.

Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
obvious to his wife that he was keying in....

    P...
    E...
    N...     
    I...
    S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on June 01, 2007, 07:09:45 AM
Hee!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on June 01, 2007, 08:33:31 AM
Must not be a Torvaldchuk...

 ::)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on June 01, 2007, 12:15:28 PM
funny thing was, first person I thought of was my husband








ooooops, did I say that out loud??
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on June 01, 2007, 02:38:39 PM
I really needed that today, Sis... and yeah, you did say that out loud, but only those of us who are your family understand and won't say anything... ~winks and huggles~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Jay on June 04, 2007, 07:33:00 PM
The Story of a Pet Owner.

I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet.

So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion,   I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Pub with me and have a beer?"
     
But there was no answer. This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again,

"How about going to the pub for a drink?"

But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I  waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

A little voice came out of the box..........  just a few mumbled words...

I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"
     
Then he screamed at me.....


"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fucking shoes on."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on June 04, 2007, 07:34:40 PM
Egawds....

*Smacks your right arm again for that one.*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: ariella {*Arlon*} on June 06, 2007, 11:08:52 AM
since things have been super tense lately, here is a relevant message for all:

Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No" .
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on June 06, 2007, 07:26:34 PM
omfg... centipedes with shoes and a missing 8 inches! -howls-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on June 06, 2007, 09:17:07 PM
thank you ari... I passed it on to my wonderful mom and sister... ~walks off still laughing~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: pleasure{MTC} on June 17, 2007, 07:13:03 AM
this is a link to one of my favorite web comics... as a cat lover, it reminds me of me own babies *giggles*
http://www.twolumps.net/d/20070601.html
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on June 17, 2007, 09:27:10 AM
oh lord.... *starts reading at the beginning* oh lord.... *dies laffing*


I officially hate you now lure... I have sat here the entire time kidlet has been napping... thru both naps... and have read EVERY SINGLE CARTOON!!!!! gah!!! *LOL* my brain hurts now...

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: ariella {*Arlon*} on June 23, 2007, 08:34:51 PM
Experiments with spiders:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8550406854693258429
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on June 23, 2007, 09:36:30 PM
~makes a W I D E berth around the video about the spiders while doing the spaz dance and glares at those who laugh at her~

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: ariella {*Arlon*} on June 23, 2007, 09:49:50 PM
oh, it is worth watching, they can;t get You through the screen
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on June 23, 2007, 10:01:12 PM
~chuckles and fights the urge to scream~ I will save it and watch it during a time when I am not already surrounded by spiders... ~shudders and yelps~ ask anyone who was at the gathering last year, how badly I hate spiders... ~huggggggggggggggles you and then goes back to killing more of those damn things in the bathroom as they aren't helping the fly population diminish, proves they are evil~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on June 24, 2007, 08:33:03 AM
oh gods.... *laffs* I actually REMEMBER watching Hinterland's Who's Who on tv!!! I must have missed that episode tho. *grinz and goes to send the link to my friend in Calgary*

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on June 26, 2007, 09:45:25 AM
Nyungh, sonufa--!!

I tried, I really did, but I couldn't get past thirty seconds.  -shudders and slaps down the skin that's trying to crawl up my neck-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on June 26, 2007, 07:27:30 PM
Saw that one in an email awhile back.  I hate spiders, but was laughing so hard that I couldn't be ickyfied by it -lol-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: ariella {*Arlon*} on July 20, 2007, 03:52:07 PM
I applied for a job at a local video store today, and they sent me home with a few pages of job descriptions. I just had to share this one section:

While performing the duties of this job, the employee is regularly required to stand, walk, use hands to finger, handle, or feel, and reach with hands and arms. ((hmmm, wonder what goes on in the back room))

The employee is occasionally required to climb or balance and stoop, kneel, crouch, or crawl. (sounds like fun)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on July 20, 2007, 04:08:56 PM
Damn, where do I apply for a job like that?! LOL Sounds like subs-r-us!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on July 20, 2007, 06:17:15 PM
Is this a job description for a video store employee or a hooker?

 :-\
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on August 05, 2007, 02:56:59 PM
got this in an email.......hope no one in camp is a lawyer and doesn't get offended, but if they ask stupid questions like these lawyers.....


Subject: Lawyers

From a book called Disorder in the American Courts, Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know whether your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam???
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium h eight and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m .
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And saving the best for last...

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on August 05, 2007, 03:13:14 PM
Men, take note of how to treat your wife as she ages.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...
Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday May 26. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his backside with only 2 inches of grip showing...His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat down on it
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on August 05, 2007, 04:13:37 PM
yes... *nodding*... of course he sat on it....

heh heh heh.. 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Thalia on August 06, 2007, 06:42:35 AM
-HOWLS over the lawyer ones-

I don't know how you do the voodoo that you do...

Sheesh.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on August 13, 2007, 10:38:02 PM
There was a survey taken of 100 males of why they liked oral sex from there wives

12% liked the feeling

8% liked the domination

and I save the best for last




80% liked the silence




next


Whats the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?



The position of the dirtbag
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on August 19, 2007, 08:49:33 PM
 9 WORDS WOMEN USE
 
1.  Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 
2.  Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
 
3.  Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
 
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
 
5.  Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
 
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
 
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying _____ YOU!
 
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking  "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
 
*Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
 
*Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.  
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on August 26, 2007, 07:49:09 AM
Thank you sweetest jale~

I am still laughing~~



"It's  just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the  shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the  lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she  replied.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on August 29, 2007, 04:16:27 PM
To my darling husband,

    Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.  Fortunately, not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
    I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.  The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.     I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.  You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.  I am enclosing a picture for you.
    I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
    Your loving wife.
    XXX
 
 


 

         P.S. Your girlfriend called.

** can't get the picture to print..**..
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on August 29, 2007, 04:52:09 PM
okies...duckie sent me the e-mail of this....so, thought i'd slap up the pic for her :)


(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/lure/image001.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on August 29, 2007, 04:59:34 PM
thank you sis... thank you... *grins*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Krul on August 29, 2007, 05:43:38 PM
Yeah ...not that bad ....*laughing like crazy cause someone is going to get a good spanking*

Krul
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on August 30, 2007, 08:26:16 AM
Ah well....shouldn't have girlfriends on the side when you're married.  Hell really hath no fury.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on September 22, 2007, 06:37:40 PM
BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW
 
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

***********

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!! !.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!! !

***********

March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

***********

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... Power went out!!!

***********

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

***********

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn' t find a lake with a slope.

***********

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

***********

August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm... ..car swamped because soft-top was open.

***********

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn' t it???

***********

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

***********

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.

Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

***********

December - Couldn't call 911...."duh" ........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on September 22, 2007, 07:57:23 PM
~just face palms~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: LadyMuse on December 03, 2007, 09:46:31 PM
Mouse Balls & Mouse Ball inspector

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.


'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 03, 2007, 10:16:00 PM
:o :D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on December 04, 2007, 08:44:51 AM
that was so cute giggles...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on December 04, 2007, 10:40:16 AM
.... I'm speechless.....

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 06, 2007, 04:16:06 PM
OKay.  I couldn't help it.  I saw these, and had to post them.  Hee hee.


(Damn they didn't post, sorry about that, will get up em when I figure it out :P)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on December 07, 2007, 11:14:17 AM
Yes they did... they were just HUGE!!! *lol*

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 07, 2007, 01:32:52 PM
When I viewed it this morning -lol- there was just big green smiley faces instead.  Will shrink em down and repost em again later -lol-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on December 07, 2007, 08:11:09 PM
Oh! I thought the smiley faces were what I was supposed to look at! *LOL*

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 08, 2007, 11:14:41 AM
nope -lol-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Faramir on December 16, 2007, 06:19:43 PM
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!)
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School ( California )
staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering
machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen
to all the options before making a selection:


To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
 
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
 
To complain about what we do - Press 3
 
To swear at staff members - Press 4
 
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
 
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
 
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7
 
To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
 
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
 
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
 
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that
it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a
nice day!
 
If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Tira on December 16, 2007, 06:27:42 PM
I love it!...All schools should have a recording like that and maybe...doubtfully...but maybe...some parents would catch a brain and realise that making excuses for their kids does more harm to them than good!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on January 13, 2008, 01:07:59 PM
something that chanz sent me in an e-mail that made me crack up~

please...do NOT try this at home :D


(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/lure/cattat.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on January 13, 2008, 06:32:40 PM
-blinks- Uhmmm.  Yeah, that's sorta not the tattoo that I would personally want...but...whatever floats that guys boat.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on February 10, 2008, 01:12:34 AM
This is a heart warmer


The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio
at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.




Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would
never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to f**k off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on February 12, 2008, 02:50:02 PM
My Mom sent me this in email... It is nice to know other people have days like mine..

*howling laughter*


Actual Letter from a Kansas farmer:

 
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them.

I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it... it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand . . . kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head -- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal, like a horse, strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily; the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise, and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
 
There are several lessons here, but they all can be avoided if you decide to not rope a deer.


Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on February 12, 2008, 03:26:11 PM
that was good.. laughing my ass off....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on February 12, 2008, 11:02:48 PM
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

That's my favorite part. -rofl-  It gives me the giggles imagining a deer jumping up and down on the back of a full grown man, crying like a girl.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on February 14, 2008, 11:18:27 AM
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"  Mom, replies, 'No, she's in heat.'

When the little girl asked what that meant, her Mom sent her to ask her father.  Into the garage the little girl goes, where her dad is working on the car.  She asks her Dad, "Dad, may I take the dog out for a walk around the block?  Mom says I can't because she's in heat."

Dad waved the little girl and her dog over, soaked a rag in gasoline and rubbed the gas all over the dog's backside.  Then he turned to his daughter and told her she could go, but only one time around the block.  The little girl smiled happily and took her dog out for a walk.

She came back a few minutes later with no dog.  Surprised, her father asked "Where's the dog?"

The little girl smiled up at her Dad and said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'  
 
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on February 14, 2008, 11:44:40 PM
OMG...this is a riot!!!

let it load....and sit back and just watch....

http://producten.hema.nl/ (http://producten.hema.nl/)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kevlar1971 on February 18, 2008, 10:27:37 AM
Tie My Shoes

There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her
six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?"
she asks.

"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."

"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she
recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of
autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you
crying?"

"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for
the rest of my life."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kevlar1971 on February 18, 2008, 10:29:26 AM
Murphy's Laws on Computers

- As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it.

- Installing a new program will always mess up at least one
old one.

- You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all.

- The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct
proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been
backed up.

- There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose
hard disks have crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't
crashed - yet.

- Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you
fiddle with something long enough, you'll break it.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kevlar1971 on February 18, 2008, 10:31:39 AM
White Gloves

Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist
and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.

One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with
petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white
gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my
husband, Sam, finished showering and came into the room wearing a
towel.

Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie
and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kevlar1971 on February 18, 2008, 10:51:58 AM
"Little League Parents

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his
young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What
a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is that we play
together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or
you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the
umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to
your parents."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kevlar1971 on February 18, 2008, 12:15:04 PM
"EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE 50 And Over"

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Shylina Marie on February 25, 2008, 09:42:04 PM
interesting things when you have sons, like...


1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.



2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.



3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.



4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.



5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.



6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.



7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.



8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.



9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.



10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.



11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.



12.) Super glue is forever.



13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.



14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.



15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.



16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.



17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.



18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.



19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.



20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.



21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.



22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.



23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.



24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.



25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
 
 
 
Title: Spring Reminders.. LOL
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on March 15, 2008, 10:12:34 AM
Spring is around the corner and with that the natural urge for romance, weddings, etc.. so here are some things to remember ..

Men, pay attention.. LOL
Women, you get it already...


WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST     
   
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.     
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.     
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl .

And her husband is on the back of the milk
carton.
~*~*~*~*~*~

WOMEN'S REVENGE
   
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet , I notice d a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
~*~*~*~*~*~

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
   
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
   
   
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
   
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
   
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
~*~*~*~*~*~

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
   
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of
yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

WORDS
   
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

CREATION
   
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

WHO DOES WHAT
   
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and beside s, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Silent Treatment
   
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
   
   
Men are not equipped for these
kinds of contests.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
   

LMAO!





Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: dilshad{property of Tira} on March 15, 2008, 01:13:46 PM
LAFFS....good 'uns sister
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: rep on May 26, 2008, 06:44:50 AM
Joe walks into the bar and says, "Harry pour me a double."

Harry says, "What happened Joe, another blowout with the wife?"

Joe says proudly, "Yeah, but this time I finally brought her to her knees!"

Harry says, "So what did she say when she was down there?"

"Get out from under the bed, you coward!!!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on May 26, 2008, 12:12:19 PM
 :D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on July 17, 2008, 11:12:09 AM
New Drugs for Women


DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on July 17, 2008, 11:14:18 AM
just because this made me laugh~

(http://katierush.com/images/sarcasma.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on July 17, 2008, 11:22:57 AM
What is "Butt Dust?"


What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!


JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'


MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'


BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'


DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'


JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'


TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'


The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... ...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on July 17, 2008, 11:23:36 AM
(http://www.silent-mare-designs.com/gallery/albums/userpics/10001/Gas.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on July 17, 2008, 11:24:14 AM
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.



One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.



Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,



'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part
died today, and I am very sad.'



Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,

She replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'



The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pajam as.



He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that. Please put your P rivate Part back inside your pajamas.




'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that
my Private Part died.



'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of
your pajamas?'



(You've gotta love this ....)







'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on July 17, 2008, 11:26:01 AM
Church offering


One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
The Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing
$1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected
And saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on
The plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
Curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in
The collection plate,' he stated.

'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money,
And I give some of it to the church.'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you
Sure you can afford this? How much d oes he send you?'

The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does
He do for a living?'

'He is a veterinarian,' she answered.

'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that
Much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'

The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada . He has two cat houses ,

One in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on July 17, 2008, 11:27:07 AM
7 Sex Positions Women Love


By someone named HogWild-


Everyone knows sex is the most important thing that we do as humans. Why else would God make sex feel so good?

Because we're here to populate the planet. If something else was more important God would have made that feel better. For instance, dancing feels good. But people go to dance clubs looking to find a new sex partner. People don't go to whorehouses looking to find a new dance partner.


I've learned some things from porn such as:

* Women love to put a man's disproportionately large sex organ in their mouth immediately after it's been inside other parts of her anatomy

And I've learned things from soap operas such as:

* Women love to seduce a man who just woke up from a coma even though he is still engaged to her sister.

And I've learned things from experience such as:

* Women enjoy compliments like, "Your body is so hot!" better than compliments like, "You're not nearly as fat as I thought you were!"

So today I am here to share with you HogWild's Top 7 Sex Positions Women Love:

1 - Missionary Accomplished

The man is on top of the woman, his weight against her. Women love this position because of the intense eye contact. The man is in great position to thrust his jammy into her hoo-ha but he is ALSO in a great
position to listen to the woman talk about her day.

By the time she's finished talking the guy will be fast asleep. It's just like he had an orgasm -- except less messy. The only fluids ejaculated will be his drool on the pillow.

2 - Spooning

In this intimate position, the man sits opposite the woman and gently spoons ice cream into her mouth. This position is especially exciting for exhibitionists who like to do it in public places like restaurants
or parks.

3 - The "Who Needs a Rubber When You've Got Plastic?" Position

In this position the woman stands behind the man. She slowly slides her hands down his chest, over his abs, and then she slides her right hand into his pants pocket. She coos, "Oh, it's SO big!" He says, "Um, that's my wallet." She replies, "I know." Then she goes down, and with her teeth, removes his credit cards. Then she goes to the mall.

Women love this sexy move!

4 - The Spider

The man leans back, supporting his weight on his outstretched arms behind him. The woman leans back in the same position, situating her lady-hole onto his meat thermometer. She feels ecstasy and throws her head back, looking up at the ceiling. That's when she sees a spider. She demands the man get up and squish it.

Women love this. Women love guys who care for furry animals but mutilate yucky ones.

5 - Reverse Cowgirl

The man lays down on his back. The woman sits on his romance-pole, facing away from him.

PROS: Woman more likely feel it on her G-Spot.
CONS: Man less likely to be able to see the television.

Women love this position because they control the pace, you can slap her booty, and most importantly since she's not facing you, she can be on the phone.

6 - Doggy-style

In this popular position for women, the woman shouts commands and her man obeys. He fetches things, he sits, and he rolls over. This gives the woman extreme satisfaction knowing she has properly trained her man. Now she feels confident that she can walk with him down the street without him pulling away and checking out every bitch he sees.

7 - Sixty-Nine-West

This is sure to please both partners. This is where the man gets a blow-job and the woman gets new shoes!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on July 17, 2008, 11:56:44 AM
-face palms- Oh Lordy.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on July 18, 2008, 12:43:47 AM
The relatives gathered in the waiting room,


where their family member lay gravely ill.



Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.



'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,



' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.



'The only hope left for your loved one at this time



is a brain transplant.



It's an experimental procedure,



very risky but it is the only hope.



Insurance will cover the procedure,



but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..'



The family members sat silent



as they absorbed the news.



After a great length of time, someone asked,



'Well, how much does a brain cost?'



The doctor quickly responded,



'$5,000 for a male brain,



and $200 for a female brain.'



The moment turned awkward.



 Men in the room tried not to smile,



avoiding eye contact with the women,



but some actually smirked.



A man unable to control his curiosity,



blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,



'Why is the male brain so much more?'



The doctor smiled at the childish innocence



 and explained to the entire group,



'It's just standard pricing procedure.



We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

Two Ukrainians walk into a pet shop in Swift Current, Saskatchewan, and head directly to the bird section. Jacob, the Preacher,
says to John, the Farm Boss, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, ve'll take four of dem little budgies
in dat cage up der,' says John.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Jacob
and John pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into the colony van and drive over to the train trellis bridge. >From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 200 -foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of  the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob
shakes his head and says: 'Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous fer me.'

BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!

PART TWO:


Moments later Isaac, the Hog Boss, arrives up on the bridge.  He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of  the bridge carrying  another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hey, Jacob, vatch dis,' Isaac says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself off the bridge. Jacob watches as
halfway down, Isaac takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Isaac continues to plummet until he hits the bottom. Jacob shakes his head and says, 'Ya, und I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either.'



BUT WAIT!!!!.....

PART THREE:

Jacob is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Abe, the Chicken Boss, appears. He's carrying an old potato sack out of  which he pulls a chicken -- one of those old layer hens. Abe then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the bridge  and disappears down and down until he too hits bottom.


Jacob shakes his head in sadness. 'First der vas John wid his budgie jumping, den Isaac parrotshooting...... und now we've lost Abe hengliding.


Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on July 18, 2008, 09:22:59 AM
~cracks up at duckie~

now this one...for some reason, why is it i picture J doing this when he's in kindergarten?

BIG PEOPLE WORDS

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become
accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
Insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was
always Reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN

You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it,
Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on July 18, 2008, 10:38:00 AM
I have nooooooooooo idea.  Maybe because his Momma is a sarcastic brat?  Or because his Daddy has a twisted sense of humor? -snickers-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on July 18, 2008, 10:51:56 AM
heeheeheee!!! I have hubby dying of laughter over here from reading these to him... btw.. I SOOO need that sarcasm pill!! Lure, you must have  a lifetime supply, send me some! *grin*

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on July 19, 2008, 10:45:25 AM
bol...oh no...i rather enjoy my sarcasm~beams and winks~

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Haldir on July 19, 2008, 12:01:48 PM
lol...you stole my joke.....I want my rib back..~winks~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on July 30, 2008, 04:17:49 AM
Some times it's best to think before you speak


Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last
one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow j * b?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the
store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said , "I think I like playing
with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked
if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I
checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't
have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his
cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor who,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh, and remember...
we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on July 30, 2008, 05:33:06 AM
A demonstration is worth a thousand words. Love it.

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this Principal).
 
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
 
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

 

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 12, 2008, 07:26:08 PM
In Louisiana, this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? the lawyer asked.
Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . "
I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and! said , "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at
me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"

"Now what da hell would you say?!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on August 13, 2008, 03:14:32 AM
LMTAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on August 13, 2008, 11:24:02 AM
  that was cute.. giggles
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on August 18, 2008, 11:09:46 PM
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.  It seemed a little strange.  When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.  Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
 
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'
 
'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.  It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
 
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed.  I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.  Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!'  Then he lowered his voice.  'Not everyone is so observant.  That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.  By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.  I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
 
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on August 19, 2008, 07:42:24 AM
-rofl-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Raziel on August 19, 2008, 09:30:49 AM
Hehehe

Raz
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Raziel on August 19, 2008, 09:39:41 AM
Thought Id share some of my sarcastic thoughts I sometimes think about in camp.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.



For you ladies out there...

Things Not to say (or considering my Sisters; to say) to a Naked guy:

(giggle and point!)
Are you cold?
At least this won't take long.
But it still works, right?
Can I be honest with you?
Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
Do you take steroids?
Does it come with an air pump?
Every heard of clearasil?
Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
I didn't know they came that small.
I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
I never saw one like that before.
If you get me real drunk first.
It looks like a night crawler.
It looks so unused.
What is that?
Where's the rest of it?
Who circumcised you?
Why don't we just cuddle?
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Wow, but your feet are so big.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on August 19, 2008, 11:48:33 AM
-whistles oh so innocently at the list of things to say to a naked guy-  Ahem.  Yeah maybe not so much.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on August 19, 2008, 12:01:50 PM
~looking over the list of things to say to a naked guy, toes digging into the ground before simply slinking behind my Mistress...and try...really, really hard not to laugh~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on August 19, 2008, 01:27:17 PM
LMAO~

adds...

Well, my first idea is shot..

LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 19, 2008, 03:01:12 PM
chuckles... dang thats cold... wonders if it works on... well never mind.. will just find out lol
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 21, 2008, 08:11:11 PM
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
 
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.

 :-\
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Raziel on August 22, 2008, 08:29:42 PM
If couples are petitioning for heterosexual marriage, meaning homosexual is predominant, then why are there abortion clinics available in every high school?

 ???

Raz
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on August 22, 2008, 09:18:34 PM
Cause by that time, scientists will have figured out how to make Men be pregnant!  Or..one could hope.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 23, 2008, 12:30:48 PM
(Proofreading is a dying art, would you say?)
 
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day. 
 
 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
 

 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  
 
Now that's taking things a bit far!
 

 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  
 
What a guy! 

 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
 
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
 

 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  
 
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
 

War Dims Hope for Peace  
 
I can see where it might have that effect!

 
 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
 
Ya think?!
 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  
 
Who would have thought!

 
Enfield (  London  ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   
 
They may be on to something!
 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  
 
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!

 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  
 
He probably IS the battery charge!
 
 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  
 
Weren't they fat enough?!
 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
 
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
 
 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  
 
Do they taste like chicken'?
 

Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half;
 
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
 
 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
 
Boy, are they tall!
 

And the winner is....
 
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  
     Did I read that right?
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 23, 2008, 12:33:42 PM
A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop asks for his drivers license and the guy
says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy says,
"It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name
because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed
the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the
trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment.
At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands
in sight and he radios for back-up.
When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story
and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor
asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands
it over and it is valid with the guys real name and
information.
The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy
says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor
tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks
around to the passenger side and opens the glove
compartment. There is the registration in the guys
name and everything seems in order.
Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open
the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing
there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the
other cop had told him. The guy says "I'll bet that
lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 23, 2008, 12:39:50 PM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here
to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of
the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude drew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the
watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
 
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on August 23, 2008, 09:16:29 PM
As the mother of a toddler.. I only have one word for that last one... EEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 24, 2008, 09:51:54 AM
-chuckles- sorry Mistress.... but believe me working with Infants now and having worked with older people in the past... as ewww as it is... younger is better... lol
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on August 24, 2008, 12:37:14 PM
OH I can believe that... *grin* less surface area.

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 25, 2008, 03:55:16 AM
Three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
over
lunch and conversation turns to their relationships. The three women
decided that night to surprise their men. All three would wear a black
leather bra and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.

A few days later the three women meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman said, "The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He
saw me
and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made
love
all night long."

The mistress said, "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his
office
and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
wild
sex for hours.

The married woman said, "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house
for
the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra,
black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door,
looked at me and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?"'


lol
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 25, 2008, 03:59:39 AM
 An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for
 several years.  He had a large pond in the back. It was
 properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with pic nic tables,
 horseshoe  courts, and some apple, and peach  trees

 One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
 pond, as he Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
 He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
 As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
 Glee.   As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
 Skinny-dipping in his pond. 
 He made the women aware of his presence and
 they all went to the deep end One of the women shouted to him, 'we're
 not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here
 to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
 naked.'Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to
 feed the alligator.'
 
Some old men can still think fast.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 25, 2008, 04:08:53 AM
I don't know if these are true or not, and I really don't care.  They're hilarious.
 

 Proof That The World Is Nuts

 In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with
 animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual
 relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
 (Like THAT makes sense.)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a
 woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking
 directly at them during the examination.. He may only see
 their reflection in a mirror.
 (Do they look different reversed?)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
 corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of
 the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood
 at all times.
 (A brick?)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
 (Much worse than 'going blind!')
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
 countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
 privilege of having sex for the first time
 Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
 virgins to marry.
 (Let's just think for a minute; is thereany job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill
 her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare
 hands.
 The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be
 killed in any manner desired.
 (Ah! Justice!)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but
 only in tropical fish stores.
 (But of course!)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 In Cali, Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her
 husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be
 in the room to witness the act.
 (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
 In Santa Cruz, Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have
 sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
 (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to
 pass this law?)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
 machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed
 from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic
 beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
 ( Is this a great country or what?
 Well, not as great as Guam !)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 Banging your head against a wall uses
 150 calories an hour.
 (Who volunteers for these tests?)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
 (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times
 its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
 (From drinking little bottles of???)
 (Did our government pay for this research??)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 Butterflies taste with their feet.
 (Ah, geez.)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
 (I know some people like that.)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 Starfish don't have brains.
 (I know some people like that, too.)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
 And, the best for last?

 Turtles can breathe through their butts.
 (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on August 25, 2008, 11:00:24 AM
more of an...awwwwwwww

(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/funny-pictures-cat-wonders-if-he-is-broken.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on August 25, 2008, 11:24:28 AM
An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip 
computer 
companies. 

When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants 
had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew 
six 
vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of 
the 
Irishman. 

"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?" 

After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a 
canopy 
of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back 
to 
the interviewer. 

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!" 

"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + 
Tree 
+ Tree make nine!" 

The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to 
make it 99. 

After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the 
trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. 

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety 
nine!" 

"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree 
make ninety nine." 

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the 
Irishman 
once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman 
and 
asked him to make it 100. 

After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly 
grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side 
of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer. 

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!" 
"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader 
Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a 
turd make 100!!!!!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on August 25, 2008, 11:34:39 AM
etter to God


A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00

When the postal authorities
received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.


The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.


The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.


The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to wri te a thank you note to God, which read:



Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington , DC ., and those assholes deducted
$95.00 in taxes .
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on August 25, 2008, 11:41:25 AM
301 little known or not often thought of facts


1.Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley’s Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen.

2. US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen.

3. The “57″ on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had.

4. Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world’s garbage annually. On average, that’s 3 pounds a day per person.

5. Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels.

6. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks so that it doesn’t digest itself.

7. 98% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim.

8. A B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945.

9. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

10. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.

11. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

12. Benjamin Franklin was the fifth in a series of the youngest son of the youngest son.

13. Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of Friday the 13th (which occurs one to three times a year). In Italy, 17 is considered an unlucky number. In Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number.

14. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

15. All the chemicals in a human body combined are worth about 6.25 euro (if sold separately).

16. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.

17. The ZIP in “ZIP code” means Zoning Improvement Plan.

18. Coca-Cola contained Coca (whose active ingredient is cocaine) from 1885 to 1903.

19. A “2 by 4″ is really 1 1/2 by 3 1/2.

20. It’s estimated that at any one time around 0.7% of the world’s population is drunk.

21. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = David ; Clubs = Alexander the Great ; Hearts = Charlemagne ; Diamonds = Caesar

22. 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

23. Every person, including identical twins, has a unique eye and tongue print along with their finger print.

24. The “spot” on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.

25. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 dictionary were misspelled.

26. The “save” icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.

27. Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin both married their first cousins (Elsa Löwenthal and Emma Wedgewood respectively).

28. Camel’s have three eyelids.

29. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day.

30. John Wilkes Booth’s brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln’s son.

31. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.

32. Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system.

33. Daniel Boone hated coonskin caps.

34. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

35. 55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.

36. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

37. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

38. Dr. Seuss pronounced his name “soyce”.

39. Slugs have four noses.

40. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

41. The Three Wise Monkeys have names: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).

42. India has a Bill of Rights for cows.

43. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. (DON’T TRY IT, DUMBASS)

44. During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.

45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by taking out an olive from First Class salads.

46. About 200,000,000 M&Ms are sold each day in the United States.

47. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

48. Over a course of about eleven years, the sun’s magnetic poles switch places. This cycle is called “Solarmax”.

49. There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess.

50. Upper and lower case letters are named “upper” and “lower” because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.

51. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

52. The numbers “172″ can be found on the back of the US 5 dollar bill, in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.

53. Coconuts kill about 150 people each year. That’s more than sharks.

54. Half of all bank robberies take place on a Friday.

55. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before it.

56. The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

57. The first bomb the Allies dropped on Berlin in WWII killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

58. The average raindrop falls at 7 miles per hour.

59. It took Leonardo Da Vinci 10 years to paint Mona Lisa. He never signed or dated the painting. Leonardo and Mona had identical bone structures according to the painting. X-ray images have shown that there are 3 other versions under the original.

60. If you put a drop of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

61. Bruce Lee was so fast that they had to slow the film down so you could see his moves.

62. The largest amount of money you can have without having change for a dollar is $1.19 (3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies cannot be divided into a dollar).

63. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”.

64. IBM’s motto is “Think”. Apple later made their motto “Think different”.

65. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original “Halloween” was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white, due to low budget.

66. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

67. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

68. One in fourteen women in America is a natural blonde. Only one in sixteen men is.

69. The Olympic was the sister ship of the Titanic, and she provided twenty-five years of service.

70. When the Titanic sank, 2228 people were on it. Only 706 survived.

71. In America, someone is diagnosed with AIDS every 10 minutes. In South Africa, someone dies due to HIV or AIDS every 10 minutes.

72. Every day, 7% of the US eats at McDonald’s.

73. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, which Motorola got their name from.

74. In the US, about 127 million adults are overweight or obese; worldwide, 750 million are overweight and 300 million more are obese. In the US, 15% of children in elementary school are overweight; 20% are worldwide.

75. In Disney’s Fantasia, the Sorcerer to whom Mickey played an apprentice was named Yensid (Disney spelled backward).

76. During his entire life, Vincent Van Gogh sold exactly one painting, “Red Vineyard at Arles”.

77. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

78. One in ten people live on an island.

79. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

80. 28% of Africa is classified as wilderness. In North America, its 38%.

81. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

82. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

83. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said “Elementary, my dear Watson”, Humphrey Bogart NEVER said “Play it again, Sam” in Casablanca, and they NEVER said “Beam me up, Scotty” on Star Trek.

84. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.

85. Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokes model.

86. The sound you here when you put a seashell next to your ear is not the ocean, but blood flowing through your head.

87. More people are afraid of open spaces (kenophobia) than of tight spaces (claustrophobia).

88. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

89. There is a 1 in 4 chance that New York will have a white Christmas.

90. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

91. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

92. Back in the mid to late ’80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn’t considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft’s Flight Simulator.

93. $203,000,000 is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S.

94. Every US president has worn glasses (just not always in public).

95. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

96. Jim Henson first coined the word “Muppet”. It is a combination of “marionette” and “puppet.”

97. The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with (not counting the words “North” and “South).

98. The Michelin man is known as Mr. Bib. His name was Bibendum in the company’s first ads in 1896.

99. About 20% of bird species have become extinct in the past 200 years, almost all of them because of human activity.

100. The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

101. About 14% of injecting drug users are HIV positive.

102. A word or sentence that is the same front and back (racecar, kayak) is called a “palindrome”.

103. A snail can sleep for 3 years.

104. People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide.

105. China has more English speakers than the United States.

106. Finnish folklore says that when Santa comes to Finland to deliver gifts, he leaves his sleigh behind and rides on a goat named Ukko instead. According to French tradition, Santa Claus has a brother named Bells Nichols, who visits homes on New Year’s Eve after everyone is asleep, and if a plate is set out for him, he fills it with cookies and cakes.

107. One in every 9000 people is an albino.

108. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

109. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

110. Everyday, more money is printed for Monopoly sets than for the U.S. Treasury.

111. Every year 4 people in the UK die putting their trousers on.

112. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds; dogs only have about ten.

113. Our eyes are always the same size from birth but our nose and ears never stop growing.

114. In every episode of “Seinfeld” there is a Superman picture or reference somewhere.

115. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human’s neck.

116. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

117. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

118. Each year in America there are about 300,000 deaths that can be attributed to obesity.

119. About 55% of all movies are rated R.

120. About 500 movies are made in the US and 800 in India annually.

121. Arabic numerals are not really Arabic; they were created in India.

122. Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations (implemented on July 16, 1969) makes it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles.

123. The February of 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

124. The Pentagon in Arlington Virginia has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

125. There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat, though it may feel uncomfortable.

126. The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

127. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

128. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

129. There are about 2 chickens for every human in the world.

130. The word “maverick” came into use after Samuel Maverick, a Texan refused to brand his cattle. Eventually any unbranded calf became known as a Maverick.

131. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

132. For every memorial statue with a person on a horse, if the horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died of battle wounds; if all four of the horse’s legs are on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

133. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the American flag is flying over the Parliament Building.

134. An American urologist bought Napoleon’s penis for $40,000.

135. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

136. Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters “MT”.

137. $283,200 is the absolute highest amount of money you can win on Jeopardy.

138. Almonds are members of the peach family.

139. Rats and horses can’t vomit.

140. The penguin is the only bird that can’t fly but can swim.

141. There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.

142. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.

143. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

144. There are only four words in the English language that end in “-dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

145. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

146. Every time you lick a stamp you consume 1/10 of a calorie.

147. “101 Dalmatians” and “Peter Pan” are the only Disney animations in which both of a character’s parents are present and don’t die during the movie.

148. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

149. Hedenophobic means fear of pleasure.

150. Ancient Egyptian priests would pluck every hair from their bodies.

151. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on August 25, 2008, 11:41:42 AM
152. Half of all crimes are committed by people under the age of 18. 80% of burglaries are committed by people aged 13-21.

153. An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

154. All polar bears are left-handed.

155. The catfish has over 27000 taste buds (more than any other animal)

156. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

157. Butterflies taste with their feet.

158. Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump.

159. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

160. Starfish have no brains.

161. 11% of the world is left-handed.

162. John Hancock and Charles Thomson were the only people to sign the Declaration of independence on July 4th, 1776. The last signature came five years later.

163. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

164. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

165. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.

166. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

167. A healthy (non-colorblind) human eye can distinguish between 500 shades of gray.

168. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

169. Lizards can self-amputate their tails for protection. It grows back after a few months.

170. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”. It can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

171. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

172. A honeybee can fly at fifteen miles per hour.

173. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

174. A “jiffy” is the scientific name for 1/100th of a second.

175. The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.

176. The youngest pope ever was 11 years old.

177. The first novel ever written on a typewriter is Tom Sawyer.

178. One out of every 43 prisoners escapes from jail. 94% are recaptured.

179. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

180. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs melted into it.

Amazon. com Widgets181. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

182. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

183. Elwood Edwards did the voice for the AOL sound files (i.e. “You’ve got Mail!”). He is heard about 27 million times a day. The recordings were done before Quantum changed its name to AOL and the program was known as “Q-Link.”

184. A polar bears skin is black. Its fur is actually clear, but like snow it appears white.

185. Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis middle name was spelled Aron, in honor of his brother.

186. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

187. Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes.

188. Shakespeare invented the words “assassination” and “bump.”

189. There are a million ants for every person on Earth.

190. If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

191. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

192. The name Jeep comes from “GP”, the army abbreviation for General Purpose.

193. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.

194. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

195. Cats’ urine glows under a black light.

196. A “quidnunc” is a person who is eager to know the latest news and gossip.

197. The first US Patent was for manufacturing potassium carbonate (used in glass and gunpowder). It was issued to Samuel Hopkins on July 31, 1970.

198. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors, the helicopter, and many other present day items.

199. In the last 4000 years no new animals have been domesticated.

200. 25% of a human’s bones are in its feet.

201. David Sarnoff received the Titanic’s distress signal and saved hundreds of passengers. He later became the head of the first radio network, the National Broadcasting Company (NBC).

202. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

203. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than every Nike factory worker in Malaysia combined.

204. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the ’30s lobbied against hemp farmers (they saw it as competition).

205. “Canada” is an Indian word meaning “Big Village”.

206. Only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.

207. If you yelled for 8 years 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

208. Rape is reported every six minutes in the U.S.

209. The human heart creates enough pressure in the bloodstream to squirt blood 30 feet.

210. A jellyfish is 95% water.

211. Truck driving is the most dangerous occupation by accidental deaths (799 in 2001).

212. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

213. Elephants only sleep for two hours each day.

214. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

215. The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. (the heart is not a muscle)

216. In golf, a ‘Bo Derek’ is a score of 10.

217. In the U.S, Frisbees outsell footballs, baseballs and basketballs combined.

218. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

219. If you plant an apple seed, it is almost guaranteed to grow a tree of a different type of apple.

220. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

221. The only real person to be a PEZ head was Betsy Ross.

222. There are about 450 types of cheese in the world. 240 come from France.

223. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers plays football at home the stadium becomes Nebraska’s third largest city.

224. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life”.

Find more cheap flights from the best travel site out there.

225. A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

226. In Iceland, a Big Mac costs $5.50.

227. Broccoli and cauliflower are the only vegetables that are flowers.

228. Newborn babies have about 350 bones. They gradually merge and disappear until there are about 206 by age 5.

229. There is no solid proof of who built the Taj Mahal.

230. In a survey of 200000 ostriches over 80 years, not one tried to bury its head in the sand.

231. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A quarter has 119.

232. On an American one-dollar bill there is a tiny owl in the upper-left-hand corner of the upper-right-hand “1″ and a spider hidden in the front upper-right-hand corner.

233. Judy Scheindlin (”Judge Judy”) has a $25,000,000 salary, while Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has a $190,100 salary.

234. The name for Oz in the Wizard of Oz was thought up when the creator Frank Baum looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z.

235. Andorra, a tiny country on the border between France and Spain, has the longest average lifespan: 83.49 years.

236. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

237. Mr. Rogers was an ordained Presbyterian minister.

238. In America you will see an average of 500 advertisements a day.

239. John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

240. You can lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

241. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

242. “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English.

243. There are 336 dimples on a regulation US golf ball. In the UK its 330.

244. The Toltecs (a 7th century tribe) used wooden swords so they wouldn’t kill their enemies.

245. “Duff” is the decaying organic matter found on a forest floor.

246. The US has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined.

247. There have been over 600 lawsuits against Alexander Grahm Bell over rights to the patent of the telephone, the most valuable patent in U.S. history.

248. Kuwait is about 60% male (highest in the world). Latvia is about 54% female (highest in the world).

249. The Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters.

250. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world’s nuclear weapons combined.

251. At the height of its power in 400 BC, the Greek city of Sparta had 25,000 citizens and 500,000 slaves.

252. Julius Caesar’s autograph is worth about $2,000,000.

253. The tool doctors wrap around a patient’s arm to measure blood pressure is called a sphygmomanometer.

254. People say “bless you” when you sneeze because your heart stops for a millisecond.

255. US gold coins used to say “In Gold We Trust”.

256. In “Silence of the Lambs”, Hannibal Lector (Anthony Hopkins) never blinks.

257. A shrimp’s heart is in its head.

258. In the 17th century, the value of pi was known to 35 decimal places. Today, to 1.2411 trillion.

259. The bestselling books of all time are The Bible (6billion+), Quotations from the Works of Mao Tse-tung (900million+), and The Lord of the Rings (100million+)

260. Pearls melt in vinegar.

261. “Lassie” was played by a group of male dogs; the main one was named Pal.

262. In 1863, Paul Hubert of Bordeaux, France, was sentenced to life in jail for murder. After 21 years, it was discovered that he was convicted of murdering himself.

263. Nepal is the only country that doesn’t have a rectangular flag. Switzerland is the only country with a square flag.

264. Gabriel, Michael, and Lucifer are the only angels named in the Bible.

265. Tiger Woods’ real first name is Eldrick. His father gave him the nickname “Tiger” in honor of a South Vietnamese soldier his father had fought alongside with during the Vietnam War.

266. Johnny Appleseed planted apples so that people could use apple cider to make alcohol.

267. Abraham Lincoln’s ghost is said to haunt the White House.

268. God is not mentioned once in the book of Esther.

269. The odds of being born male are about 51.2%, according to census.

270. Scotland has more redheads than any other part of the world.

271. There is an average of 61,000 people airborne over the US at any given moment.

272. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane in case there is a crash.

273. The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad. The most common name (of any type) in the world is Mohammed.

274. The surface of the Earth is about 60% water and 10% ice.

275. For every 230 cars that are made, 1 will be stolen.

276. Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. President to be born in a hospital.

277. Lightning strikes the earth about 8 million times a day.

278. Around 2,000 left-handed people die annually due to improper use of equipment designed only for right handed people.

279. The “if” and “then” parts of conditional (”if P then Q”) statement are called the protasis (P) and apodosis (Q).

280. Humans use a total of 72 different muscles in speech.

281. If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.

282. Only female mosquitoes bite.

283. The U.S. Post Office handles 43 percent of the world’s mail.

284. Most household dust is made of dead skin cells.

285. One in about eight million people has progeria, a disease that causes people to grow faster than they age.

286. The male seahorse carries the eggs until they hatch instead of the female.

287. The “countdown” (counting down from 10 for an event such as New-Years Day) was first used in a 1929 German silent film called “Die Frau Im Monde” (The Girl in the Moon).

288. Negative emotions such as anxiety and depression can weaken your immune system.

289. There are seven suicides in the Bible: Abimelech. Samson, Saul, Saul’s armor-bearer, Ahithophel, Zimri, Judas.

290. A mongoose is not a goose but more like a meercat, which is not a cat but more like a prairie dog, which is not a dog but more like a ground squirrel.

291. Stephen Hawking was born exactly 300 years after Galileo died.

292. Mercury is the only planet whose orbit is coplanar with its equator. Venus and Uranus are the only planets that rotate opposite to the direction of their orbit.

293. John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and James Monroe died on July 4th. Adams and Jefferson died in the same year. Supposedly, Adams last words were “Thomas Jefferson survives.”

294. The Baby Ruth candy bar was named after Grover Cleveland’s baby daughter, Ruth, not Babe Ruth the baseball player.

295. Dolphins can look in different directions with each eye. They can sleep with one eye open.

296. The Falkland Isles (pop. about 2000) has over 700000 sheep (350 per person).

297. There are 41,806 different spoken languages in the world today.

298. While many treaties have been signed at or near Paris, France (including many after WWI and WWII), nine are actually known as the “Treaty of Paris”: Seven Years’ War (1763), American Revolutionary War (1783), French-Swede War (1810), France vs Sixth Coalition (1814), Battle of Waterloo (1815), Crimean War (1856), Spanish-American War (1898), union of Bessarabia and Romania (1920), establishment of European Coal and Steel Community (1951).

299. Robert Todd Lincoln (Abraham Lincoln’s oldest son) was in Washington DC during his father’s assassination as well as during President Garfield’s assassination, and he was in Buffalo NY when President McKinley was assassinated.

300. The city of Venice stands on about 120 small islands.

301. The past-tense of the English word “dare” is “durst”.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 28, 2008, 03:52:46 AM
A WOMAN'S POEM

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

hehehe
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 28, 2008, 04:03:20 AM
 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX ?
 (because they are plugged into a genius)
 
 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
 (they don't have enough time)
 
 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
 (they don't > stop to ask directions)
 
 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
 (because their manhood falls over their butt-hole and they
 vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
 
 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
 (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
 
 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
 (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
 
 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
 (don't know.....it never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at
 your blonde jokes!)
 
 And the personal favorite:
 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
 (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
 Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and
 laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

 One for the ladies:
 One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
 Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
 shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
 'It depends,' I replied.. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
 He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
 And they say blondes are dumb...
 
 couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make
 you the happiest woman in the world.'
 The woman replies, 'I'll miss you....'
 
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he
 stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
 neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably
 that I married you for your money,' she replied.
 Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
 A: A rumor
 Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to
 forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I
 pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
 Q: Why do little boys whine?
 A: They are practicing to be men.
 Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
 breath and calling your name?
 A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
 Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
 A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on August 30, 2008, 05:30:13 PM
A must read for Grandparents.  Those who aren't will love it, too.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is?  What a team is?' 
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' 
The little boy nodded yes.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head.  Do you understand all that?' 
The little boy nodded again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?' 
Again, the little boy nodded.
'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.

 


 

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 30, 2008, 06:35:34 PM
The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?
 

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog

chow for my loyal pet, Bisquit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout

line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 What did she think I had, an elephant?  So since I'm retired and have

little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was

starting the Purina Diet again.  I added that I probably shouldn't,

because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50

pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out

of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way

that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and

simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is

nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now

enthralled with my story.)

 Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog

food poisoned me.  I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish

Setter's behind and a  car hit us both.

 
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was

laughing so hard.  Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

 
Better watch what you ask retired people.  They have all the time in

the world to think of crazy things to say.

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on August 30, 2008, 06:38:50 PM
Damned right!!!

 

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.

 

 

A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented, that "while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama!!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on August 30, 2008, 06:56:26 PM
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of
the car...and you know how you just-get-sooo- stressed and life-stuff
seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . . and that's how the fight started . . .
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on August 31, 2008, 10:30:11 AM
words of wisdom, ponderings and various thoughts from the twisted mind of George Carlin~

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on September 01, 2008, 11:41:53 AM
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another  incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked  for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

The rest is history.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 02, 2008, 03:59:22 AM
 This is something to think about when negative people are doing their
 best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone
 who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.
 

 A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a
 trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
 who responded:
 
 Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
 You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
 "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate
 "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. That is a terrible
 airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
 they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
 "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber
 River called Teste.
 "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its
 gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the
 worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and
 they're overpriced. 
 So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" 
 "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the
 Pope."
 
 "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million
 other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
 luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
 
 A month later, the woman again came in for a hair-do. The
 hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
 
 "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on
 time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and
 they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
 had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
 
 And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
 remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They,
 too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite
 at no extra charge!"
 
 "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good,
 but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
 
 "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the
 Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the
 Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
 into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
 
 Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the
 door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
 "Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
 "Where'd you get the shitty hair-do?"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 02, 2008, 07:39:24 PM
Southwest Airlines!

 

 

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines

from Denver to Dallas.

 

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his

mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats

have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

 

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her

son to ask the flight attendant.

 

So the boy walks to the galley and asks the flight

attendant, "If big dogs

have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why

don't big planes have baby planes?

 

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell

you to ask me"

 

The boy said, "Yes, she did...." "Well, then, please

tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest

always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."...

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 02, 2008, 07:49:10 PM
THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A HOCKEY GAME.

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM.

BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE
NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA. IN A VERY
LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH . THERE ARE
ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND
SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA . THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO . THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS
LIVING THERE." ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY
SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL. THERE AREN'T
ANY NUNS THERE."

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 04, 2008, 03:38:51 AM
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word was spoken. The   barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his
chair reached for   the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No
thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?' McCain
replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like.'
Now that is Character


***coughhehecoughhehecough***
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on September 04, 2008, 07:55:59 AM
LMAO~

hell yeah!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 10, 2008, 01:41:10 PM
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having
all these years? Well, they're gone.'
 
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
 
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, ' I do not have a headache ' ' I do not have a headache ' ' I do not have a headache '
 
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
 
Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
 
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '
 
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
 
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
 
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
 
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
 
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
 
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
 
The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.
 
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
 
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
 
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
 
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
 'She's not my wife ' .
 'She's not my wife '
 
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on September 14, 2008, 02:18:33 AM
The Guys' Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­...

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work ! Strong hints do not work ! Obvious hints do not work ! Just say it !
1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after a week.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only sixteen colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hockey, the shotgun formation, or engine mechanics.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape !
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 14, 2008, 08:04:27 AM
chuckles
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 16, 2008, 07:26:20 PM
Maxine's slide down the Banister of Life

(http://webmail.att.net/wmc/en-US/v/wm/48D069C6000001F1000034E922243429029B0A02D2089B9A019C04040A0DBFC0CC04970C0E9D9B/Unknown%20Name?cmd=GetImg&no=6&uid=382324&sid=c0&name=FF996DEBC4E4487E89B78C83BAF72904@UserPC)

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, remember...
1.  Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
     an impressive new book.   It's called...
     'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2.  Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink,
      and be Mary.
3.  The difference between the Pope and
     your boss:  the Pope only expects you
     to kiss his ring.
4.  My mind works like lightning.  One brilliant
     flash and it's gone.
5.  The only time the world beats a path to
     your door is when you're in the bathroom.
6.  I hate sex in the movies.  Tried it once.
     The seat folded up, the drink spilled, and
     that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7.   It used to be only death and taxes
     were inevitable.  Now, of course, there's
     shipping and handling, too.
8.  A husband is someone who, after taking
     the trash out, gives the impression that
     he just cleaned the whole house.
9.  My next house will have no kitchen.  Just
     vending machines and a large trash can.
10.  A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
       mechanic might try to rip me off.
       I was relieved when he told me all
       I needed was turn signal fluid.'
11.  Definition of a teenager?
       God's punishment for... enjoying sex.   
12.  As you slide down the banister of life, may
       the splinters never point the wrong way.   
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 16, 2008, 07:28:46 PM
WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?

 

 
(http://webmail.att.net/wmc/en-US/v/wm/48D06AE30008118500006B4D22243429029B0A02D2089B9A019C04040A0DBFC0CC04970C0E9D9B/Unknown%20Name?cmd=GetImg&no=5&uid=382323&sid=c0&name=image001.jpg@01C91649.3AA95790)
 

 

 

 



 

 

 

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. ?
She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said.

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'


'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.  'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'


'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this.
How often do you have sex? ' &am p;nb sp;

 


The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'


'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'   

 
 
 
 (http://webmail.att.net/wmc/en-US/v/wm/48D06AE30008118500006B4D22243429029B0A02D2089B9A019C04040A0DBFC0CC04970C0E9D9B/Unknown%20Name?cmd=GetImg&no=5&uid=382323&sid=c0&name=image002.gif@01C91649.3AA95790)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on September 17, 2008, 12:03:38 PM
*snickers*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 17, 2008, 01:51:05 PM
frowns don't know why my pics won't work
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 19, 2008, 03:50:51 AM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before
we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And, before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler
ate him!'

The teacher wet her pants laughing.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on September 19, 2008, 06:38:22 AM
ROTFLMTAO

*wiping laughter tears away!!!*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 19, 2008, 02:46:40 PM
Do you have a vagina?




A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.

She slams the door in disgust.


The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
and
he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina?.'
She slams the door again.



Later that night when her husband gets home
she tells him what has happened for the last two days.


The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I
am taking tomorrow off to be home just incase this guy shows up again'.


The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the?
door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going
to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you
to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going
with? it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.


Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same
question.
Do you have vagina'.......'Yes' she says......

The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to
leave my wife's alone and start using yours'

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on September 19, 2008, 06:03:30 PM
:o :o :o :o :o :o

 :D ::) :D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on September 19, 2008, 08:49:18 PM
Lawl !
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on September 24, 2008, 01:21:03 PM
CURRENT MEDICAL ADVICE!!


Q.I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on September 24, 2008, 01:59:35 PM
(http://frostfirezoo.com/files/u1/worksign_1.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 24, 2008, 10:13:15 PM
Menopause Jewelry
     My husband, being unhappy with my mood

 swings,bought me a mood ring the other day so he would

 be able to monitor my moods.We've discovered that when

 I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad

 mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe

 next time he'll buy me a diamond.   Dumb &#$#@.

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 24, 2008, 10:17:46 PM
Blonde Wins One

 Remember the day!!

 Date: Saturday, September 20, 2008, 12:01 PM

 A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
 He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights
 and a pair of running  boards.'
 
 The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear
 stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This
 guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of
 headlights and a pair of running Boards.What does he think
 this place is, an auto parts store?'
 
 'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean
 three pancakes, a pair of  headlights is two eggs sunny
 side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
 'Oh, OK!' said the blonde.
 
 She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a
 bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
 The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'


 
     I LOVE THIS ONE..........
 
 'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for
 the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as
 well gas up!
 FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 24, 2008, 10:20:23 PM
http://objflicks.com/thoseoldwesterns.htm (http://objflicks.com/thoseoldwesterns.htm)

for any of ya'll older like myself.. who can remember the days.... enjoy... this was very well done put on your ears.. sit back and remember
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on September 24, 2008, 10:25:27 PM
 Ole and  Lena


 Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I  t'ink
 its time!' So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took  her to the
 hospital to have their first baby.
 
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over  at Ole
 and  said, 'Hey, Ole! You yust had a son! Ain't dat
 great! ' Vell, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the  doctor
 spoke up and he said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished  yet!'
 The doctor den held up a little girl. He said,  'Hey,
 Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting,
 too....' Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the  doctor said,
 'Holey Moley, Ole, we still ain't done yet!'
 The  doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Ole, you yust had youself
 another boy!' Ole was flabbergasted by this  news!
 
 A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and the  their
 t'ree  children home in the self-propelled combine. He  was real
 serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got t'ree on  the
 first try?'Lena said, 'You remember dat night  we ran out of K-Vy
 Yelly and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere  3-in-1
 Oil?' Ole said, 'Yeah, I do. Uffda!, it's a dam good
 t'ing I didn't get the  WD-40!'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on September 30, 2008, 08:34:25 AM
The  Brothel
 
 
 
The  madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or  early fifties.
 
 
'May  I help you sir?' she asked.
'I  want to see Valerie,' the man replied.


'Sir,  Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
 
'No,  I must see Valerie,' he replied.
 
Just  then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she
charged $5000 a visit.

  Without  hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly  left.
 
The  next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie  explained that no one had ever come back two
nights in a row as she was  too expensive.But there were no
 discounts.The price was still  $5000.
Again,  the man pulled out the money,  gave it to Valerie,
and they went upstairs. After an hour, he  left.
The  following night the man was there yet again. Everyone
was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but
 he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
 
After  their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one
has ever been with  me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The  man replied, ' Ontario '
'Really',  she said. 'I have family in Ontario
 
'I  know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and
I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000  inheritance.'
 
The  moral of the story is that three things in life are
certain.
1.  Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on September 30, 2008, 10:19:38 AM
*face palms*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on October 02, 2008, 09:51:55 AM
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:
 
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
 
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
 
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
 
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
 
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they
won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
 
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
 
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
 
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
 
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
 
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
 
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can g et the milk for free? here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
 
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 02, 2008, 12:01:22 PM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 03, 2008, 05:54:02 PM
10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on October 03, 2008, 06:52:41 PM
Uhm.  No comment -smiles sweetly-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on October 03, 2008, 07:18:29 PM
ROTFLMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on October 03, 2008, 07:21:57 PM
and Salem gets his second "HELL YEAH"  from me for the night.. LOL..

I am emailing these to my daughter because we just had this sort of conversation last night.. and I explained to her that any man that wanted to be involved with her had BETTER treat her like the wonderful woman that she is or I will kill him plain and simple. I know how and can hide the body... LOL

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 03, 2008, 07:40:54 PM
Coolest. Webcomic. Ever.

http://www.lfgcomic.com/ (http://www.lfgcomic.com/)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on October 04, 2008, 06:54:31 AM
I hate you now... *adds this to my growing list of webcomics that I read* Let's see... For Better or For Worse, Devil's Panties, Two Lumps, Girls with Slingshots, Questionable Content, Candi, and now Looking for Group. *sighs* Can we say webcomic addict? Oh yeah.. forgot about The Order of the Stick! yeesh... *lol*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on October 04, 2008, 08:56:09 AM
Webcomic junky here.  Read Dominic Deegan, Order of the Stick, Something Positive and Girl Genius.  My friend Donnie, yeah, got me hooked.. ahole.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 04, 2008, 10:50:40 AM
Order of the Stick, Dork Tower, Knights of the Dinner Table, Looking for Group...plus many other lower-end comics...but most revolve around Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft, or the gaming genre in general. Not only am I an ahole, I am a geek too.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on October 04, 2008, 12:06:32 PM
I wasn't calling YOU an ahole!  I was calling HIM an ahole.  Sorry for the confusion  ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: dilshad{property of Tira} on October 04, 2008, 03:39:50 PM
Order of the Stick, Dork Tower, Knights of the Dinner Table, Looking for Group...plus many other lower-end comics...but most revolve around Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft, or the gaming genre in general. Not only am I an ahole, I am a geek too.

Kinights is one of my all time favorites
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 04, 2008, 03:49:05 PM
Believe it or not, my old high school Dungeons and Dragons group were essentially the KotD. Jesse, Nigel, Bryan, Dave, Sarah, Mike, and Bob (Rob aka me).
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 08, 2008, 10:22:41 AM
This really made my morning, since I'm not really having a good one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaGFPdP0-ug (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaGFPdP0-ug)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on October 09, 2008, 07:01:34 AM
When Tuchuk Pumpkins drink... LOL

(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/prism/tuchukpumpkins.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 09, 2008, 06:49:40 PM
LOL Awesome !!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on October 22, 2008, 09:22:06 AM
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on October 22, 2008, 09:22:40 AM
This is really bad lol


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

24. Visualize whirled peas ..
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on October 22, 2008, 09:23:12 AM
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!



When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears

With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When

They were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school

Every morning



... Uphill... Barefoot.



BOTH ways



Yadda, yadda, yadda



And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,

There was no way in hell I was going to lay



A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it



And how easy they've got it!



But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of

Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of

Today.



You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my

Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!



And I hate to say it but you kids today you

Don't know how good you've got it!



I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we

Wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and

Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!



There was no email!! We had to actually write

Somebody a letter, with a pen!



...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put

It in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!



There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to

Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and

Shoplift it yourself!



Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and

The DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!





We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you

Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy

Signal, that's it!



And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!

When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be

Your school,

Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a

Collections agent, you

Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your

Chances, mister!



We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video

Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!

With games

Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little

Square! You

Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no

Multiple levels or

Screens, it was just one screen

Forever!



And you could never win. The game just kept getting

Harder and harder and

Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!





You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what

Was

On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had

To get off

Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and

There was no

Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons

On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to

Wait ALL WEEK

For cartoons, you spoiled

Little bastards!



And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat

Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!



That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids

Today have got it too easy.

You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted

Five minutes back in 1980!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Kitya on October 22, 2008, 10:54:52 AM
*cracks up* Those were great!! And sooo true for the last one! it hits home every now and again how far technology has come when kidlet watches her Backyardigans and EVERY time era they're in has cell phones, because to a child, cell phones have always been around.

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on October 22, 2008, 11:08:00 AM
those were good.. and yes they would not have made it back in the time when we all grow up.. we did things the hard way.. giggles... leaves hugs and kisses..


da flame
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: rep on October 22, 2008, 02:00:15 PM
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and Shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and The DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

oh my gawd i remember those days. especially not wanting to go to church on sunday because Casey Kasem's countdown was on and all the good songs would be on during the ride home, and the casette player was not a portable one!   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on October 24, 2008, 05:11:57 PM
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind
of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to gather the building materials for his
home.

She read 'and so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir,
but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

'The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do
you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very
matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said -
'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on October 24, 2008, 05:14:53 PM
 this was so funny...
 ;D


"UPS Airlines  --  Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review th e gripe sheets before the next flight.
 
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. 
 
 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

*

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

*

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

*

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

*

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

*

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

*

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level .

*

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

*

P : IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

*

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

*

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

*

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
*

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

*

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

*

And the best one for last .....

*

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
 

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on October 24, 2008, 05:41:17 PM
LMTAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Raziel on October 24, 2008, 06:09:28 PM
Mouse in cockpit and cat installed?  LMTAO...oh that hurts!

Raz

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Raziel on October 24, 2008, 06:11:22 PM
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little

Square! You

Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no

Multiple levels or

Screens, it was just one screen

Forever!



And you could never win. The game just kept getting

Harder and harder and

Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


Actually, I played it till I reset the score, several times.  That's how bored I was.

Raz
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on October 25, 2008, 09:54:55 AM
A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope….along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

 ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on October 25, 2008, 10:42:12 AM
that was a good one.. lmao... thanks i needed t hat


da flame
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on October 25, 2008, 11:26:39 AM
*howling*

You go Ricky!!!


LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 25, 2008, 02:16:55 PM
I'll have to remember that when I go overseas. lol
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on October 27, 2008, 07:53:03 AM
 I found this on a proflie on collarme.. and thought it was cute.




Last night, my friend and I were sitting in my living room.  I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on October 27, 2008, 11:03:18 AM
LOL!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 27, 2008, 06:23:56 PM
LMAO Classic !
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on October 29, 2008, 05:27:09 PM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND
DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE
 
George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi , was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the
light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window.
 
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but
saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
 
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your
house?'
He said 'No.'
 
Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is
available.'
 
George said, 'Okay.'
 
He hung up the phone and counted to 60. Then he phoned the
police again. 'Hello, I just called you about a
minute ago because there were people stealing things from
my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I just shot them.' ... and he hung up.
 
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a
Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance
showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the
burglars red-handed.
 
One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you
said that you'd shot them!'
 
George said,... 'I thought you said there was nobody
available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 29, 2008, 05:40:26 PM
As usual, we are constantly learning from the wisdom of our elders.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 30, 2008, 01:13:58 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiqkDm9UoKo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiqkDm9UoKo)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on October 30, 2008, 03:42:55 PM
ok i have to ask... who is chris crocker.. and why do people cry for him?
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on October 30, 2008, 04:42:58 PM
Chris Crocker is the kid who did the infamous "Leave Britney Alone" video.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Fishy! on October 30, 2008, 04:43:32 PM
this is the real vid that seth green is mocking....

Chris crocker is weird... but has some pretty awesome views.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 30, 2008, 06:14:04 PM
I'm one of the last posters on that vid. My sides STILL hurt. "Watch Robot Chicken Sunday nights at 11:30 on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, season 2 dvd is available right now...so BUY IT !!!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 30, 2008, 06:19:59 PM
Something else I found. If you're deeply religious and easily offended, don't click on this. =P

http://www.236.com/images/photo2/1606/original/original.jpg (http://www.236.com/images/photo2/1606/original/original.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on October 31, 2008, 05:01:18 AM
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People .


The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' 


So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. 
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds h is mother asleep. 
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.  The People  are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on October 31, 2008, 05:06:39 AM
come back from watching his video with wide eyes.. damn he is like a hamster on Meth...shakes my head and moves along....good grief
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on October 31, 2008, 11:23:08 AM
Who, Seth ? Or Chris Crocker ?
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on November 01, 2008, 12:39:59 PM
well... both actually.. but i watched chris in another video...i was like... ewwww..lol...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on November 09, 2008, 10:54:09 PM
From now on, only four words matter. "I spit hot fire."

http://www.lmmfao.com/videos.php?id=1106
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on November 11, 2008, 11:09:34 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzITanQIPUw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzITanQIPUw)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on November 13, 2008, 07:25:58 PM
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair
in
Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment,and I
happened to be standing there when the call came in.  I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true
taste of Texas hospitality.  They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy,and besides, they told me I could have FREE beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy

on tomato.  Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint

from your driveway with it.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  Hope
that's the worst one.  These Texans are crazy.

*******************************************
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork.

Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they

saw the look on my face.

*********************************************
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I
have
been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Barmaid pounded me

on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I feel gas pockets shooting between my pelvic sockets.  I'm getting
shit-faced.

*********************************************
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice.  Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or
other
mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, it feels good on my chin.  Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb.  bitch is starting to look HOT, just like
this nuclear-waste I'm eating.  My nose is running profusely, I am fairly
sure it is not blood, eyesight getting blurry...

*********************************************
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.
Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.  Must admit the

cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and

four people behind me burst into flames.  The contestant seemed offended
when
I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

*********************************************
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold
vegetarian
variety chili.  Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb!

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that mutt Sally.  I

need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!  The sun is spinning and colored disks

are flying out of it---I think I'm having a religious experience.  I'm
pretty
sure I just wet my shorts.

*********************************************
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili
with
too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment.  I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably and clutching his crotch.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel
a damn thing.  I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt.  At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing,it's too painful.  Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway.  If I need air,I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch
hole in my stomach.

*********************************************
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending...  this is

a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare
its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make
it.  Poor Yank.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on November 14, 2008, 03:43:08 PM
OMG!!! *HOWLING!!!*

I had to pause and catch my breath!!!

That one has to be in the top five jokes I have read or heard this year!!!

I think I'm gonna die!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on November 14, 2008, 03:59:59 PM
-grins- I've had that for several years.. I love it..
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on November 14, 2008, 05:24:00 PM
ok.. i dont know why but this just seems to crack me up when I see it.. actually all the stuff by Oxhorn does.. but this especially.. I dont even know what all the abrev means.. but it done matter.. yea I know.. simple minds..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEWgs6YQR9A (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEWgs6YQR9A)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Raziel on November 14, 2008, 06:51:40 PM
I like the Tauren kilt song.

Raz
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on November 14, 2008, 07:15:07 PM
Horde smell.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on November 15, 2008, 02:28:42 PM
respect your elders!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZCoIege8oM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZCoIege8oM)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on November 15, 2008, 07:02:47 PM
Haha ! That jerk totally had that coming.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on November 24, 2008, 03:17:40 PM
-lol-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsxV49pmnL8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsxV49pmnL8)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on November 24, 2008, 05:03:27 PM
OMG!!

That is freakin' hilarious!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on November 24, 2008, 05:20:29 PM
oh boy.. that is quite comical
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on November 24, 2008, 06:20:49 PM
LMTAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on November 24, 2008, 08:44:02 PM
Believe it or not, there are places in the States thet get more snow than where I live in Canada. =P
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on November 26, 2008, 10:38:27 PM
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they  were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
 
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so, I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'  The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken.  Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
 
Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in' New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me one last time.' The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.
 
Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
 
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?'
 
'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.
 
'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
 
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.
 
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.
 
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11!
 
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
 
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him,  'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'
 
'What!?!' replied the Marine, 'and have you three ass holes report that I was the aggressor....?
 
 SEMPER FI

 

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on November 27, 2008, 10:02:10 AM
LMFAO. Do or die ! Gung ho ! Gung ho ! Gung ho !
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on November 28, 2008, 05:58:35 PM
My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Amber

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Ambizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Purple Tiger
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Marie Union
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Molam

6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Emerald Coke

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Mlmcads
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names):Abby Alicen

9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Aeon

10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa):  Ambiqua
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on November 28, 2008, 06:10:17 PM
My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Tammy
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Tamizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Jade Jaguar
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Lynn Robie
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Talew

6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Gold Pepsi Max

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Awlhngy

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names):Lorienna Doyle

9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Lilly

10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa):  Tamiqua
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on November 29, 2008, 07:26:07 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTasT5h0LEg

nothing like a stupid cat to make your morning better
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on November 29, 2008, 07:29:37 AM
My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Alex

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Aleizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Silver Monkey
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Martin Atwater
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): BoeAl

6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Blue Vault

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Lebhlcn
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names):Roy Ann

9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Damien

10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa):  Aleiqa
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on November 29, 2008, 07:32:07 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqyCyl9qL_I
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on November 29, 2008, 08:55:00 AM
Scratch my nuts! -rofl- Such a wonderful interpretation of the pee pee dance.. It's the nut scratch dance!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on November 29, 2008, 03:13:58 PM
My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Robert
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Robizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Blue Shark
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Charles Eiderwood
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Mitro
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Green Beer
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Otmebci
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): Dale Lynn
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Stevie
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Robiqua
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on December 07, 2008, 03:52:19 PM

http://www.maniacworld.com/dog-having-a-blast-in-the-snow.html (http://www.maniacworld.com/dog-having-a-blast-in-the-snow.html)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on December 07, 2008, 03:56:26 PM
ok... Im game..

1. YOUR REAL NAME: Angie
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Angizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Black Horse (bleh)
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Marie Hilltop
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Diekan
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Purple Dew
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Aedelr
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): ???  dad doesnt have a middle name
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black River
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Angiqua
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on December 07, 2008, 04:24:32 PM
 that was good...and cute as well.....


Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 07, 2008, 04:56:30 PM

1. YOUR REAL NAME: Richard
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Ricizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Black Dog
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Scott Maple
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Earri
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Red Dew
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Ireoctn
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): Glen Louis
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Duffy
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Riciqa
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on December 08, 2008, 06:27:06 PM
The classic skit, World of Warcraft style.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ekLO8BwxwE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ekLO8BwxwE)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 09, 2008, 10:34:25 AM
This is why parents drink:

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very, happy. She owns a t railer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.  Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son Paul

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.


If this letter were signed Julian... I would never call him, it would never be safe to come home.  That is, after I somehow got my heart restarted after the heart and panic attacks he just gave me.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 09, 2008, 11:26:25 AM
ROTFLMTAO!!!


Gramps will teach him many, many things much worse than this Babygirl!!!


And then its woobie's turn. Heh heh heh....

::) ;D :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on December 09, 2008, 12:15:15 PM
ROFL lol that is great.....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on December 10, 2008, 09:53:04 PM
Financial terms have new meaning in the wake of financial crisis.

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo
@ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: sinnocent on December 10, 2008, 11:28:01 PM
this link was sent to me in my email from an old friend.. I laughed so hard... enjoy


this is from a man who witnessed an auto accident while he was talking to someone on his cell

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/FunFiles/FunFilesDetails.asp?ArticleID=72
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 11, 2008, 12:19:49 AM
I laughted so hard I started coughing.... couldn't breathe.... OMG!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 11, 2008, 12:09:15 PM
Uhh the link works fine for me, but the little player doesn't have any sound to it for some reason.  Checked all of my volumes, and still nothing.  Hrm.

(Modified, because I'm a retard, my speakers weren't hooked up right after moving my desk to make room for the tree)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on December 11, 2008, 01:05:13 PM
it works fine for me... now to explain to the kids why Auntie Di is turning blue and can't breathe, all the while telling them no they can't listen to it... ~crawls off still silently laughing and trying to learn to breathe again~ OMFG that was good... ~plans on having my brother and his family hear it~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on December 11, 2008, 01:31:23 PM
that was a good one ,....i am still laughing....



da flame
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on December 11, 2008, 03:43:13 PM
Learn Chinese in Five Minutes.

He's cleaning his automobile.
Wa Shing Ka.

This is a tow away zone.
No Pah King.

Is there a fugitive here?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni.

Your price is too high!!!
No Bai Nut Ding!!!!

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table.
Ai Bang Mai Ni.

It's very dark in here.
Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?

I thought you were on a diet.
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

They have arrived.
Hia Dei Kum.

Your body odor is offensive.
Yu Stin Ki Pu.

I got this for free.
Ai No Pei.

You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

Stay out of sight.
Lei Lo.

Phew! Does this bathroom stink!
Hu Flung Dung?
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 11, 2008, 06:51:30 PM
LMTAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on December 13, 2008, 07:19:29 PM
The Darwin Awards (New list, folks)  
It's that time again folks ... The Darwin Awards are finally out.  The annual honour given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.
This year's winner was a real rocket scientist ... HONEST!
Read on and remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.

And the nominees were:

Semi-finalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semi-finalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semi-finalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston, VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said.  Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'

Semi-finalist #4

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semi-finalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Â Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.

Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now, the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, post humously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields.  He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.

The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.

However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 14, 2008, 12:54:43 AM
JDL!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on December 14, 2008, 11:34:00 AM
I just saw on the news that some Cairo journalist threw his shoes at President Bush. The funniest story I've seen since someone threw a pie in Jean Chretien's face. lol
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: silence{MTC} on December 14, 2008, 03:40:42 PM
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Angelina
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Angizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Pink Tiger
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Jean lakegrove
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Jeaan
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Purple Pepper
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Nnzicla
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): Jean Allan
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black babygirl
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Angiqua
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on December 15, 2008, 08:39:52 AM
true story that happened last saturday

a littel back ground, my dad is 67 years old and loves a thing we call tractor pulling( im a redneck i embrace it) so hes at the end of the year banquet for all of the awards and has his room at the crown plaza... and apparently he had been drinking since 11:30

so to set the scene 67 year old redneck in his bib overalls button up shirt and his favorite Tony Stewart hat.... drunk out of his mind.....

so here we go

I get a call about 6:00 pm its my co-worker Dave.... well dave was also at the crown plaza and he asked me... "Alex, is your dad here at the Crown Plaza? ...." I replied... " hell if i know whats the guy wearing?" " hes wearing bibs a nice shirt and a Tony Stewart hat.. and if i might add hes here at the bar with a beer in hand and one hell of a beer belly" .... " yep thats him... hes at his redneck meeting.... "

So a littel chit chat with Dave and i tell him well give me a minute ill call dad and ill have him meet up with you, Both dave and my dad like there beer so its a perfect fit....

now enter the drunkness.....

I call my dad and tell him that my co woker Dave is there at the crown plaza at the bar, you should have a beer with him... well after explaining who dave was and what he looked like my inbriated father could not find him so here we go..... he asks me......." what is name... ? " I told him " well its Dace Cox" 



So in my father great wisdom he stands while im on the phone with him and he stands up in the middle of the bar apparently and starts to shout


" is the a Cox here... any cox here"



I lost it... i was on the floor laughing hysterically... and thankful enough Dave finally answered...

I can only imagin the looks he must have been getting...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 15, 2008, 08:42:29 AM
-bites my lip, just shaking-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on December 15, 2008, 11:19:22 AM
*face palms*

your dad is gonna choke you when he remembers this... LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on December 15, 2008, 12:42:23 PM
*face palms*

your dad is gonna choke you when he remembers this... LOL


i remember it.. and ill conviently keep this story to myself(other than here) until the most oppertune time...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on December 15, 2008, 01:50:49 PM
LMAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 15, 2008, 01:57:20 PM
You are so totally mean to your dad. -shakes head-  And woobie is right.. if he ever remembers what you did.. or realizes it.. we'll be picking up Alex chunks off of the ground.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on December 15, 2008, 02:42:20 PM
*snickers*

you could tell his Dad, Amber.. *whistling*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 15, 2008, 03:16:36 PM
ROTFLMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on December 16, 2008, 04:26:06 PM
how to lift plywood

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwC7zJrzSw8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwC7zJrzSw8)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 16, 2008, 04:54:48 PM
Egawds....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 16, 2008, 06:17:51 PM
And that is why.. Men don't wear daisy dukes. -snicker snorts-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on December 17, 2008, 03:11:24 PM
lol ... thats funny.. just imagin terran and salem as the two dudes and salems the one that gets the girly clothes..lol
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Fishy! on December 17, 2008, 03:58:58 PM
lol ... thats funny.. just imagin terran and salem as the two dudes and salems the one that gets the girly clothes..lol


LOL!! I had to go back and watch it again!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on December 19, 2008, 09:34:36 AM
Christmas Ornaments

Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop "Give me four of
those elves, two of the big reindeer, two of the small reindeer,
and one of those bent-over, fat Mrs. Santas with the ridiculous
bloomers."

The shop owner "That'll be eighty dollars for the elves, fifty
dollars for the big reindeer, twenty dollars for the small
reindeer, and a big apology for my wife!"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 19, 2008, 01:35:58 PM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on December 22, 2008, 11:17:49 AM
My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Diane
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Diaizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Purple Dolphin
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): Marie Bay
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Mccdi
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Black Dew
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Icmalky
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): Preston Ann
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Pumpkin
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa):  Diaiqa
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on December 22, 2008, 02:58:09 PM
My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Barbara
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): barizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Blue cat
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): lee quailhollow
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): benba
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): red dietcoke
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): banbhlmy
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): Neil valdon
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black babygirl
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): bariqua
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Furaan on December 22, 2008, 04:52:44 PM
My 10 Names:
1. YOUR REAL NAME: Benjamin
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Benizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color and favorite animal): Red Cat
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (your middle name and street you live on/or neighborhood if it's a number): La'Roy Woodpecker
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Nasbe
6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink): Black Margarita
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms first name): Esnilby
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (parents middle names): Ray Lyn
9. YOUR GOTH NAME (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Salem
10. YOUR HOOD NAME (first 3 of your first name and add -iqua or -iqa): Beniqua
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on December 22, 2008, 07:00:33 PM
The Three Stages of Man :

1. He believes in Santa.
2. He does not believe in Santa.
3. He becomes Santa.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on December 23, 2008, 06:18:41 AM
Christmas Penis song...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=etDhW2GZzqw&feature=related
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on December 23, 2008, 11:16:18 AM

this one goes out to all my Tuchuk Fam.... enjoy

(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/wapike/hehehhee.bmp)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 23, 2008, 12:34:53 PM
LMTAO


*Goes through Santa's pockets and sack for goodies..... checks teeth for gold fillings.... hops the sleigh and flies off to find the North Pole chop shop and cashes in. Slaughters the reindeer and loads up on meat, hides, antlers.... except for Rudolph. Hangs onto him for an energy source and nightlight.*

*Sings "It's a Tuchuk Christmas"*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 23, 2008, 04:00:58 PM
Get in the mood for Christmas.

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas  dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all  he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa  checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning,  although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly  empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on  sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell  those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore  downtown.

 If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.  you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like,  'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I  made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a  standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in  my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. 

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in  many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the  box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I  settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. 

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination. 

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise  came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in  during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled  the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate  some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning  my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a  present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She  would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. 

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so  the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the  traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the  moment she walked in the door.

'What the hell is that?' she asked. 

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would  play with something like that?' Granny snapped. 

I kept my mouth  shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

 'Boy,  that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any  teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was  Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,  'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man  with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal  by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes  later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just  talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be  Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made  the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be  killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom  in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room  twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed  cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to  his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.  My brother fell back over his chair and wet his  pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and  sat in the car. 

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and  remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough  examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that  Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. 

 

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored  her to perfect health.
 

I can't wait until next Christmas.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on December 23, 2008, 04:49:28 PM
it's xmas... doggie style

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUtPKbMwnRo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUtPKbMwnRo)


Happy Holidays everyone.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on December 23, 2008, 06:47:24 PM
LOL  That was awesome!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on December 23, 2008, 07:05:37 PM
to ring in the end of 2008, the list of the funniest commercials of 2008 have been done... Though I don't think this was rated, I could be wrong... Here it is, from Israel...
http://www.veryfunnyads.com/ads/26111.html
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on December 23, 2008, 07:41:57 PM
LOL Awwwww...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on December 25, 2008, 09:11:37 PM
http://www.noob.us/entertainment/mac-vs-pc-transformers-style/ (http://www.noob.us/entertainment/mac-vs-pc-transformers-style/)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on December 26, 2008, 11:53:06 AM
Hrm.  I only get like a minute into that video before it stops and it says to start over -raises a brow- very weird.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on January 01, 2009, 08:51:56 AM
Ninja tips for healthy living.
1. Exercise is important but jogging is for wimps.  Plenty of exercise can be had leaping from bushes and kicking joggers in the head.

2. Laughter is medicine.  Ninjas practice the art of inppropriate laughter. Laughing when hearing about cancer also shows the ninjas strength.

3. Ninjas, occasionally, without warning, stab friends with throwing stars. Life is random.  Ninjas embrace this fact of life.

4. Killing the wrong person happens. Ninjas know this. It's useless to live in the past.

5. Fiber in your diet is important. Ninjas eat the shirt off a complete stranger's back at least once a week.

6. Sex is extremely important to one's physical and mental health. Ninjas therefore fantasize about sex two, three, maybe even seven times a day.

7. Everyone knows yoga classes are filled with women. Ninjas prove their strenfth and impress the ladies by killing the yoga instructor.

8. Samurais are the source of much stress for ninjas. They think they're soooooo cool with their armor and swords and those awesome helmets. It's in a ninjas best interest not to think about such things.

9. A strong handshake is a sign of good health and vigorous character. Ninjas therefore squeeze as tightly as possible and do not let go when shaking hands. Strong eye contact is also recommended.

10. When eating the still beating heart of an enemy, ninjas eat it all.  There are starving ninjas in Africa who don't have any hearts to eat.

11. Cleanliness is next to godliness. If ninjas get ketchup stains on their outfits whilst eating out, they throw smoke pellets and disappear. Later, outside their den, they burn their outfits while screaming uncontrollably at the top of their lungs.

12. Mind control is one of a ninjas most powerful skills. Making small children give you money is not only hilarious, but quite lucrative, and therefore, healthy.

13. It's good for ninjas to treat themselves to Western pleasures occasionally.  That's why there's nothing wrong with putting on a comfortable ninja outfit, lighting some candles, and watching "Ninja Vixens: Virgin nightmares."

14. It is important for ninjas not to be their own worst enemy.  Therefore, ninjas should practice proper dental care before wearing a mask.

15. Secrecy is of upmost importance to the ninja's peace of mind. Not even the ninja's parents can know their identities. Not even if a ninja still lives in the basement of his parents' house.

16. Ninjas always ride shotgun.  It's good for their sense of self worth.  If ninjas are forced to sit in the back seat, remember they always carry garrotes.

If you laughed at any of these, and nodded your head solemnly at the same time, you're probably a ninja.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on January 01, 2009, 02:44:09 PM
Ninjas versus Pirates is a long-standing tradition. As a Ninja, or Shinobi-no-mono as is politically correct to refer to us as, that last post made my freaking day.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Fishy! on January 01, 2009, 04:28:19 PM
Pffft... I been a ninja way longer.... but since pirates are way more socially acceptable... I pirate for my day job... and pull some ninja side jobs when I can...

Srrsly... look up "ask a ninja" frigging hilarious...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on January 02, 2009, 04:39:21 PM
You haven't, because I've already seen every single askaninja vid. =P
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on January 04, 2009, 07:48:58 PM
I took the Christmas tree down today..

LOL..

while that might not seem funny to most, those that know it is general tradition around here for me to procrastinate til April Fool's Day .. well... will get a laugh, besides being dutifully impressed..

LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on January 04, 2009, 08:01:22 PM
Beau and my first Christmas out on our own.. we had a tree up, decorated all pretty.  It wasn't taken down until after the fourth... of July.  Talk about procrastination.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on January 04, 2009, 08:33:49 PM
at work the tree and the ornaments do not get taken down.. they get placed into the back and dusted off every late november... as for me.. the christams tree still lays in the back of my truck...i didnt even bother
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Fishy! on January 05, 2009, 12:27:47 AM
I had a real tree this year.. and me and AJ took it down on the first... not because I felt like it.. but cause we needed the space for AJ to put his crap when he moves in... -shrugs- last year I left my tree up untill the day before my b-day...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Fishy! on January 05, 2009, 11:39:15 PM
Best Known Man In the World


Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"

This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!

Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton...hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on January 06, 2009, 07:24:02 AM
-rofl-  Niiiiiice.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on January 07, 2009, 06:21:53 PM
I love this!!
thank you my sweetest jale {Lil} for sending it to me..


The Aisle Seat...


Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.  Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes, and was settling20in when the Arab in the window said, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”   “Don’t get up,” said the Marine, “I’m in the aisle seat.  I’ll get it for you.”


As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked-up the Marines shoe and spat in it.  ;  When the Marine returned with eh Coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I’d really like one, too.”  Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.   While he was gone, the other Arab picked-up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.   When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.


As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.   He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, “Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on?   This fighting between our nations?  This hatred?  This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?”


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST!   HoooRaaaahhh!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on January 07, 2009, 06:35:02 PM
 that was good... smiles thank you for sharing it



da flame
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on January 08, 2009, 05:42:09 AM
 Letter from Wal-Mart


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her weekly trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get right in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Chapman:
 
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Chapman are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras ~
 
1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor, leading to the Women's Restroom.
4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding
 Department.
8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
While handling guns in the Sporting Goods Department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11.October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12.October 6:
In the Auto Department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13.October 9:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14.October 14:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed  'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
 
And last, but not least ...
15. October 16:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's  no toilet paper in here!'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on January 08, 2009, 07:51:01 AM
JDL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on January 09, 2009, 03:02:50 PM
LMFAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on January 10, 2009, 07:45:20 AM
Those all sound like things B would do in Walmart.....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on January 10, 2009, 10:44:28 AM
*looks at Amber and snickers*

like Father, like Son... (guess why I don't take Ubar to Walmart anymore.. )
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on January 10, 2009, 01:54:19 PM
I have 50 dollars in Walmart gift cards. Now I have an axcuse to go and be bad. Can't throw out a paying customer !
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on January 10, 2009, 02:44:25 PM
I can just imagine, woobie.....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: kadi{MTC} on January 14, 2009, 06:29:27 PM
The Hairdryer:

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs Limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not Lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The Official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer st range, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the Floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on January 14, 2009, 11:35:51 PM
ROTFLMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on January 15, 2009, 11:59:09 AM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on January 24, 2009, 10:49:00 PM
Anyone a fan of Voltron ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzG4fQnDKZo
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Fishy! on January 25, 2009, 10:39:17 AM
lol!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on January 26, 2009, 02:12:08 PM
Amazing what you can find when you're bored on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mazx1_DNp5E
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on January 27, 2009, 05:38:04 PM
This is sort of funny, this is my sister's house after a weekend of LAN parties... My nephew is the ringleader of the party, he's the one standing in the back taking a picture from another angle... And yes, this is her living room, from what I have been told, there were approximately 20 computers hooked up in there, and more in the dining room...

(http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/ii214/Constanceavatars/russandcomps.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on January 28, 2009, 02:30:41 PM
LAN parties are always fun. =)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on January 29, 2009, 03:43:21 AM
I can only dream... *G*

http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=sEJfS1v-fU0
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on January 29, 2009, 07:45:03 AM
I can only dream... *G*

http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=sEJfS1v-fU0

DAMN SKIPPY!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on January 29, 2009, 10:00:23 AM
An English-only ordering policy has thrust one of Philadelphia's best-known cheesesteak joints into the national immigration debate.

Situated in a South Philadelphia immigrant neighborhood, Geno's -- which together with its chief rival, Pat's King of Steaks, forms the epicenter of an area described as "ground zero for cheesesteaks" -- has posted small signs telling customers, "This Is AMERICA: WHEN ORDERING `SPEAK ENGLISH."'

"They don't know how lucky they are. All we're asking them to do is learn the English language," said Geno's owner Joseph Vento, 66. "We're out to help these people, but they've got to help themselves, too." (2006)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on January 29, 2009, 03:18:36 PM
Next thing you know, they'll be trying to enforce what kinds of cheese are allowed on a cheesesteak. Try to take away my whiz, and we got problems.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on January 30, 2009, 02:21:44 PM
I can't blame them for posting that sign.  I have the same policy.  You don't force an entire country to speak your language when you go to live there.  We speak English here, if you don't speak english, then you better learn it damn quick and in a hurry.  Or at least buy your language - English dictionary like tourists do to go on vacation.  Americans already have to deal so much with other languages and countries.. from our jobs being exported to calling up a company for technical support and having someone who speaks horrible English try to talk us through fixing something.  Or the telemarketers who barely speak English calling me up, and mispronouncing my first name.. It's Amber.. it's not that difficult.  Americans mispronounce my last name all the time, no biggie, but you better damned well say my first name right.  I don't think we should have to learn a different language to accomodate the influx of illegal aliens who aren't trying to become citizens, or even attempting to learn our language.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Fishy! on January 31, 2009, 11:12:25 AM
oh this is soooooo true! I live about.... maybe a 15 minuet drive from mexico...

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on January 31, 2009, 12:51:27 PM
I miss TJ runs... used to get HUGE margaritas for maybe $2, just one would knock me on my ass... -=tacks note in my brain to go there when Ray and I go back to Cali in September for my nephew's wedding=-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on February 01, 2009, 01:04:35 PM
found this in my e-mail today and just had to share~lol

I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring from teaching. Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less tolerant. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one 's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just can't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on February 01, 2009, 01:15:12 PM
And this is why I will not be a walmart greeter. -lol- I plan on being meaaaaan in my old age.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 01, 2009, 08:13:45 PM
I like that Greeters style!!! LOL

Ummm... Amber... you are already mean. Old age will have no bearing on that.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on February 01, 2009, 08:36:13 PM
I am NOT mean.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on February 02, 2009, 09:21:27 AM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: snare{AD} on February 02, 2009, 09:52:19 AM
How Raz says I love you...I love you too, my fuzzy huckleberry..  ;D  *scrams before he reads this*

p.s.....He's right on cue with this gift to me. *nods lots*


Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and; I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flappin in the breeze.  Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,  well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good wad of Elmer’s slobber yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' o’erhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,  you spark up my life more than a fresh load o’ dirt .

When you hold me real tight like a padded swordrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best creamy gruel'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps droolin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a cold drank,  we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they get chocolate for that special day; They git it at the Inner, it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day  from the gardens. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men get fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.  Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,  more useful than diamonds…I got you a new trollin‘ motor.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on February 06, 2009, 04:39:46 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs)
lol-  cute kid..
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 06, 2009, 05:33:46 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs)
lol-  cute kid..

JFROTFLMTAO!!!

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on February 06, 2009, 06:07:39 PM
I dunno what they gave him.. but they could send some my way -lol
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 07, 2009, 03:10:46 PM
PARTY AT LILAC'S!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Fishy! on February 08, 2009, 02:27:18 PM
tee hee...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhUHPhjStcs
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on February 08, 2009, 02:37:55 PM
lol that was great..lol
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on February 08, 2009, 02:42:58 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=na1btkL7epM&feature=related
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: rep on February 14, 2009, 08:55:40 AM
"The Old Version"
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was..

Some of the newer versions...(well probably been on the net forever but i just found them, lol)

Patient
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat

Over possessive
If you love somebody don't set her free.

Suspicious
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Paranoid:
If you love someone,
When you let her go,
she'll be out to get you.

Go-getter:
If you love someone,Set her free ...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, go get her !
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on February 14, 2009, 03:10:15 PM
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration'. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on February 14, 2009, 05:23:38 PM
LMTAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on February 14, 2009, 06:11:51 PM
"The Old Version"
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was..

Some of the newer versions...(well probably been on the net forever but i just found them, lol)

Patient
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat

Over possessive
If you love somebody don't set her free.

Suspicious
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Paranoid:
If you love someone,
When you let her go,
she'll be out to get you.

Go-getter:
If you love someone,Set her free ...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, go get her !


If you love someone, set them free..
If they come back, it was meant to be

If they lay on your couch, eat all your food,
leave their stuff all over the floor, watch your TV and
generally don't appear to notice that you have, in fact,
set them free...

well, then you either gave birth to them or married them.. LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on February 17, 2009, 05:54:08 AM
Rags and Raz are doing TV commercials again.. LOL


go to YouTube and check this out..

Capital One Vikings Commercial - 2009 (1).wmv
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on February 18, 2009, 11:33:06 AM
OMG ~busts up laughing~ Ray and I saw this one and both looked at each other and said the same exact thing
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on February 19, 2009, 08:22:25 AM
I think that's pretty much any Tuchuk man. lol
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on February 25, 2009, 07:52:55 PM
I love the Headlines segment on the Tonight Show, and I came across one that literally had my sides bursting...

(http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3115/H_3115_09.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on February 26, 2009, 10:38:27 AM
I love the Headlines segment on the Tonight Show, and I came across one that literally had my sides bursting...

(http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_3115/H_3115_09.jpg)

hmmm even in deer men like a huge rack lol thats hilarious
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on February 26, 2009, 04:17:15 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fp88mfEgoGw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fp88mfEgoGw)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 26, 2009, 06:40:56 PM
She feared the force of the sneeze may put the baby back in.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 28, 2009, 09:31:11 AM



Got this from another message board and I just rolled!!!


(http://www.aviationweek.com/media/images/defense_images/Fighters/FA18-USN.jpg)




In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.

The conversation went like this...

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)




Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on March 01, 2009, 07:12:05 AM
a friend sent me this...and i haven't stop laughing since-

(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/lure/untitled.bmp)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 01, 2009, 01:40:30 PM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on March 01, 2009, 04:15:00 PM
~busts up laughing~ Oh that is priceless the eHarmony one... just for fun I went to fill it out a few years back and was given an email stating that I couldn't join them, as I didn't pass their questionare.. ~RME~ I guess I was too kinky for their matchmaking skills... ~snorts~

Rags, Ray and I are still rolling over the aircraft in "Iraqi" space... He passed it on to his friends online and I never have heard that many people laughing at once...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on March 01, 2009, 09:49:46 PM
LMAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Salem on March 02, 2009, 06:08:47 PM
You Know You Grew Up In The 80's if:

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom
8. Two words: Hammer Pants
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales" (Woo ooh!)
12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen and still know the turtles names.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
17. You played the game "MASH"(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear....need I say more?
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten. (She's Truly Outrageous.)
21. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all The Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pail kids in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples.
43. Don't worry, be happy
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down
46. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
49 You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales
50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"
53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.
54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - Shot Through The Heart.
55. You just sang those words to yourself.
56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
57. Homemade Levi shorts.
58. You remember when mullets were cool!
59. You had a mullet!
60. You still sing "We are the World"
61. You tight rolled your jeans.
62. You owned a banana clip.
63. You remember "Where's the Beef?"
64. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
65 You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
66. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on March 02, 2009, 06:19:22 PM
suddenly wants to be a kid again
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on March 05, 2009, 12:25:21 PM
This came from a friend in Alaska, but I SWEAR I think it was a reality for Rags.. LMAO


Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month i went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazzard fan that i was, i quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up Tshirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way- a set of post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.
One summer afternoon, i was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner... lets face it to a 10 yr. old mouth breather like myself ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, i went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
At this point, i set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... 1lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, i got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.
I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As i released i heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, i turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT he just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. Shit.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and i will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as i could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE DAMN DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice i said "was". That SOB got up and ran off.
So here i am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what i can only assume is a Vietnam flashback ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE GODDAMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.
I wish i knew what i said to my dad at this moment. I don't know- i know i said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom.
One thing is for sure... i never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzle loaders a week or so later. And i still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.
 

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on March 05, 2009, 02:47:51 PM
~wipes the tears from my eyes and just starts laughing all over again~ Oh yea... black powder does go BOOM trust me on this... I am surprised I don't have scars from the time my friends and I decided to make the "safe" fireworks finale, a REAL finale... ~face palms as I bust up laughing again~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on March 07, 2009, 12:10:52 AM
God's Busy

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan .. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU .

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in he looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, ' Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

Can we get an amen? *G*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Shylina Marie on March 07, 2009, 07:12:16 AM
and the choir says AMEN!!!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on March 10, 2009, 11:38:12 AM
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .  He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.  "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."  The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"  That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East .  I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"  She says, "No, I am from Africa ."  Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on March 17, 2009, 08:40:21 PM
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK  Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and  steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off .. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

 'Damn,

 'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

 'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

 He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.  He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

 The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'


Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'

 'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 18, 2009, 03:05:45 PM
Egawds....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on March 19, 2009, 07:30:28 AM
Ya would think.. Mick would at least draw his attention to this fact. -rofl-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on March 19, 2009, 04:29:59 PM
*laughs with Amber*

oh HELL NO... I worked in a bar for 10 years.. and believe me.. when you spend all night dealing with someone drinking, leaving them an outlet to realize they were "over the edge" in the morning is funnier than shit.. LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Raziel on March 20, 2009, 07:44:20 AM
I have a good one for everyone...

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. So the old man says to his wife....










Hrmm....I forgot where I was going with this.....

Raz
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on March 20, 2009, 07:59:08 AM
-snickers-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on March 20, 2009, 09:10:39 AM
~grumbles~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on March 20, 2009, 10:34:56 AM
You are so bad Master ( but in a good way ) giggles as she heads out




da flame
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on March 20, 2009, 11:12:36 AM
You know, with the Sandar Memorial Dance Celebration coming 'round again,  I can see him, so clearly, in my mind.. just enjoying the hell out of this and even having Kelsey pinging ramberries off this couple as they dance and him just laughing for the pure enjoyment and pleasure of it all..

http://www.parkwayreststop.com/archives/2937
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on March 20, 2009, 11:19:36 AM
Redneck Bank Loan


A Redneck from South Carolina walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. 

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. 

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The good 'ole boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?' 


His name was Bubba..
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: rep on March 20, 2009, 11:40:45 AM
i usually don't check out vids on the board but i am sooooooooo glad that i did!!!

what a gift they gave

thanks for sharing  ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on March 22, 2009, 06:11:21 PM
got this in my e-mail today.....for some reason, i thought a few might get a kick out of it~

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example:

If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on March 24, 2009, 06:53:58 PM
i found this on another board and it just crack me up


 
    MY PRIVATE PARTS DIED
« on: February 20, 2009, 09:20:53 pm » Quote 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home

 One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

 Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

 Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes
 a little  crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.

 Please accept my
 condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
 with his  Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

 He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking
 down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday
 that my Private Part died.

 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
out of your pajamas?'

 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 25, 2009, 01:19:41 AM
Sounds like me in a few years. LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on March 25, 2009, 01:13:37 PM
I laughed and cried...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvLLR0pP5yU
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 25, 2009, 06:55:58 PM
ROTFLMTAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on April 02, 2009, 12:19:13 PM
The Moral of Auntie Sharon


A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.  One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.  But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.   

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.


She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.


Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.


And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the hell away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'
 
 
 

 

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on April 02, 2009, 06:59:11 PM
Aunty Sharon must have been woobie. LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on April 04, 2009, 01:28:24 PM
naaa if was woobie then she wouldn't have nneeded the bullets... *grins and scrams *
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Medi on April 04, 2009, 01:51:53 PM
lol.

sounds like my aunt poncha.


amanda
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on April 04, 2009, 06:06:44 PM
Confuzzled   Johnny came home from college   with a note from one of his professors.  It said "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls.  Please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

Johnny's mother took him quietly by the hand and led him upstairs to her bedroom and closed the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse."  He unbuttoned her blouse and took it off.

"Okay, now take off my skirt."  He took off her skirt.

"Now take off my bra."  He did so.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties."  When Johnny finished removing those, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to college   anymore!"



Edit by Rags to keep it all adult in content.

But it is still funny! LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on April 05, 2009, 02:37:30 PM
Sorry about that... I cut and pasted it and didn't look... ~blushes a lot~ I usually edit before I post...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on April 18, 2009, 07:58:43 AM
The Art of Taking A Pee
 

(Written to a woman who accidently walked
into a men's restroom...)

Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on April 18, 2009, 08:54:53 AM
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

ʽI donʼt know what to do here,ʼ says the devil. ʽYou are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so Iʼll tell you what Iʼm going to do. Iʼve got a couple of folks here who werenʼt quite as bad as you. Iʼll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. Iʼll even let YOU decide who leaves.ʼ

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

ʽNo,ʼ OJ said. ʽI donʼt think so. Iʼm not a good swimmer, and I donʼt think I could do that all day long.ʼ

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. ʽNo, this is no good; Iʼve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,ʼ commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, ʽYeah man, I can handle this.ʼ


The devil smiled and said . . . . .

ʽOK, Monica, youʼre free to go.'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on April 18, 2009, 03:36:28 PM
OMG!!! ROTFLMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on April 19, 2009, 12:34:55 PM
Virtual Coffee Machine... LOL


http://www.cartoline.it:80/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Medi on April 19, 2009, 03:25:36 PM
ewwwhhhhhh....

amanda

giggles...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on April 27, 2009, 04:20:17 PM
quote of the day

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES -
NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A
SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on April 29, 2009, 12:56:11 AM
Star Wars Weapon Testing on Stormtroopers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YimijEkh8Fs&NR=1
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: rep on May 01, 2009, 12:44:23 PM
i'm not naming names, but...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r-n9TNZQ_g&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r-n9TNZQ_g&feature=related)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on May 01, 2009, 03:45:59 PM
OMG!!

*just FDD!!*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on May 06, 2009, 11:36:35 AM
Hard to imagine... then again maybe not!!

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.           

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.           

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number?   Thanks...
 
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced           

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.             

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.   

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.           

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.           

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at  8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.           

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.


You just gotta luv #11
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on May 06, 2009, 11:39:01 AM
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/lure/image0011.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on May 06, 2009, 06:45:34 PM
 




*Groans*




Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on May 07, 2009, 05:09:51 PM
2008 Darwin Awards
 

Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18- inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
 

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
 

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
 
People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him.  It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.
 
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
 

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.  Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
 

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
 

Third Place (My choice for 1st place!)
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store.  The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.  Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
 
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired.
 
The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics.  Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.  The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.  Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons.  No one else was hurt.
 

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M.  so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen.  Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
 

RUNNER-UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic.  The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM..  Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
 
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by.
They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge.  His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.  He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.  Bingham's foot was never located.
 

AND THE WINNER IS...
 
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
 
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.  The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.  Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
 
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves...'Shit happens.'
 
THEY WALK AMONG US...
 
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on May 07, 2009, 05:34:28 PM
LOL


My Thanks People!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on May 07, 2009, 05:40:38 PM
~roflmtao~

shit happens indeed!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Raziel on May 07, 2009, 05:41:44 PM
Wow.

Raz
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on May 08, 2009, 08:38:08 PM
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.  Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
 
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.  On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in the United States.  If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on May 11, 2009, 02:30:17 PM
hrmmm I was told it was a pause button.. but who knew....lol :-[
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on May 11, 2009, 03:44:40 PM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on May 12, 2009, 01:15:32 PM

(((quote from Berit)))



Do You Hate Your Job?


When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'


[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]



Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



da flame
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on May 13, 2009, 08:43:50 AM
Uh.  What's the statement on the literature?  I'm curious!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on May 13, 2009, 03:34:00 PM
 actually got this as an e-mail the other day~lol~

what you find in the fine print is this lil statement-

"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is
personally tested"

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on May 13, 2009, 03:49:40 PM
Oh! -rofl-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on May 13, 2009, 04:29:13 PM
LMAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on May 13, 2009, 04:50:45 PM
:o :o :o :o :o :o
 ??? ??? ??? ???
 :-\ :-\
 :-X
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on May 14, 2009, 10:48:32 AM
*from my sister* LOL

I kinda knew this had to be the answer.... *G*


CLEARS A LOT OF THINGS UP!

 

 

 Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell ,  New Mexico .  This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.
       
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard  Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara  Boxer
       
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?  I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.  It did for me.  No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!
       
Now You Know.

 

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on May 14, 2009, 04:00:31 PM
~jfdl~

omg....that's flippin' priceless!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on May 14, 2009, 05:57:08 PM
ummmmmmmmmmm...........?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXrUSVQ5k78 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXrUSVQ5k78)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on May 14, 2009, 06:01:44 PM
.. shakes head.. thats just not even right
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on May 14, 2009, 06:49:08 PM
ummmmmmmmmmm...........?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXrUSVQ5k78 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXrUSVQ5k78)


Okies Daughter..... how many times did ya hit him in da skull wit da skillet to make him dat way?

We can already tell you were standing there as motivation for his performance wearing your best Spetsnaz gear stolen from the dudes on Deadliest Warrior.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: liviana on May 14, 2009, 07:14:51 PM
hee heee!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on May 15, 2009, 05:24:51 PM
didnt hit him on the head.. made him sit on the washer after I tossed the grenade in.. then he stole my copy of Carmina Burana.. I dunno.. -shakes head- kept telling him they were singing in a different language and that 'da da da da" wasnt it...  but would he listen.. NO.. no more smokes in the shower for him  -rme-  sadly.. as amusing as he was.. he was not the new love of my new life... (ah swee spetsnaz) so I had to fire my knife at him..
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on May 15, 2009, 06:02:07 PM
didnt hit him on the head.. made him sit on the washer after I tossed the grenade in.. then he stole my copy of Carmina Burana.. I dunno.. -shakes head- kept telling him they were singing in a different language and that 'da da da da" wasnt it...  but would he listen.. NO.. no more smokes in the shower for him  -rme-  sadly.. as amusing as he was.. he was not the new love of my new life... (ah swee spetsnaz) so I had to fire my knife at him..


Dats my beautiful bloodthirsty Daughter!!!   ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on May 15, 2009, 06:35:38 PM
it was the daughter in the bathroom with the spetsnaz ballistic knife...
































Oh... we're not playing Clue are we... ~looks around innocently~

**disclaimer... this was all RAY'S fault**
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on May 15, 2009, 06:49:19 PM
LMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on May 15, 2009, 06:52:34 PM
I is IMMOOOOOOCENT
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: DaPaleOne on May 15, 2009, 06:54:06 PM
you are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not innocent, lies all lies...lol
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on May 15, 2009, 06:55:22 PM
Didn't say innocent... said I is IMMOOOOOOOOOOOCENT...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on May 17, 2009, 09:52:35 AM
LMFAO~~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTYPYKpHkDo
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on May 17, 2009, 07:01:27 PM
Sssshhhhhh....... be vewy qwuiet...... wabbit hunting waddtlsnake!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on May 18, 2009, 09:18:59 AM
that was to cute.. giggles



da flame
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on May 20, 2009, 01:41:49 PM
The scent of  freshness.
       
A new Publix supermarket  opened in Hudson,  Florida.



It has an  automatic water mister to keep the produce
fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
 
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience  the scent of fresh cut hay.
 
In  the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal
grilled steaks and  brats.
 
In the liquor  department, the fresh, clean, crisp
smell of tapped  Miller Lite.



When you  approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle and the air is  filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
 
The bread department  features the tantalizing smell of
fresh baked bread &  cookies.
 

I don't buy toilet  paper there anymore.
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on May 20, 2009, 01:45:49 PM
SuperRaz~
 
  File this one away for future reference... Princess Peanut isn't old enough... . yet

*LMAO*

One day, you will be in this situation, sort of to speak, and you would do well to remember this.. It reminded me of your little story about the fish that changed colors...


One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on May 20, 2009, 02:03:34 PM
~jdl~

ya think we need to go shoppin for a tea set my mentor?

~cracks up and poofs...fast~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on May 20, 2009, 02:53:32 PM
*grins*

woobies has a little silver one she just got with the princess in mind..
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Raziel on May 20, 2009, 06:08:20 PM
Too late...

Raz
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on May 27, 2009, 10:43:30 AM
(http://i367.photobucket.com/albums/oo114/TheRedFather/Funny/FQ-1.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on May 27, 2009, 11:44:51 AM
(http://i367.photobucket.com/albums/oo114/TheRedFather/Funny/FQ-1.jpg)


HOLY MOLEY!!!


And all the people said "Amen".
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on May 27, 2009, 05:28:13 PM
(http://i367.photobucket.com/albums/oo114/TheRedFather/Funny/FQ-1.jpg)


HOLY MOLEY!!!


And all the people said "Amen".

No, that's making mountains out of mole hills... -Ray
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on May 27, 2009, 05:42:46 PM
*Warning this is possibly 18 and older type picture*

They "claim" this wasn't advertised in the brochure:

http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/taryniona/brochure.jpg
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on May 27, 2009, 06:12:32 PM
I wonder if they felt the earth move?

 ::)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on May 27, 2009, 09:22:24 PM
heh heh heh.. and who said work can't have it's fun moments... LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on May 31, 2009, 03:28:00 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XwdkxPQCzY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XwdkxPQCzY)

this is sooo wrong....but yet...

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: rep on May 31, 2009, 04:22:01 PM
always always always a good song lure...lol
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on June 01, 2009, 01:05:43 PM
This is funny, and makes me glad I am not the woman who had to have this conversation with her tenant...

http://poststuff5.entensity.net/060109/ducks.php
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on June 01, 2009, 01:22:32 PM
~jfdl~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on June 01, 2009, 05:59:16 PM
Heh heh heh....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on July 02, 2009, 04:43:19 PM

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....
 Some asshole's got my pen!'   

       





 

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: chanz{Sid} on July 03, 2009, 09:34:10 PM
jfdf... read that to my friend who has this pen thing.. and she just shook her head an smirked... I on the other hand now check hubby after he is in the hospital just in case it is a pen stickin out where it shouldn't be.... *grins*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Tira on July 04, 2009, 12:00:13 PM
Okay, I know its July 4 and the American celebration for their country and the majority of My family here is American...but, I got this email today that brightened My day...and made Me laugh a little while helping Me stand a little straighter (which is something I sure can used after the stresses I've been under this last month or so)...so, in an uncharacteristic gesture from Me, I'm going to post it here.

CANADIAN.... Eh !


 So, What Do We  Canadians Have To Be Proud Of ?





1. Smarties



2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp



3. The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and bigger balls.



4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 -    Ingersoll ,  ON



5. Lacrosse is Canadian



6. Hockey is Canadian



7. Basketball is Canadian



8. Apple pie is Canadian



9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers



10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts



11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed  the Americans back past their White House. Then we burned it, and most of Washington..We got bored because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied........ Go figure.



12.  Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to  Germany .

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER. (We got clobbered in the odd battle but. prevailed in ALL the wars)



14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour. 

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, he slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.



16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.



17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.



18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
(That's more information than I need!)



19. We know what to do with  the parts of a buffalo.



20. We don't marry our kin-folk.



21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis and the telephone. Also short wave radios that save countless lives each year.



22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.



23. A Canadian invented Superman.



24. We have coloured money.



25. Our beer advertisements kick ass {Incidently...so does our beer}

                              BUT MOST IMPORTANT !


  The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. 



                                 OOOoohhhhh....  Canada !!
 
 
 
 


. Oh yeah... And our elections only take one day.
 




I hope you enjoy it and take it in the way its meant...I love you all and wish you a wonderful day!



Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: dilshad{property of Tira} on July 04, 2009, 12:06:36 PM
YAY Mistresss !!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Alex on July 04, 2009, 02:35:18 PM
taken as an insult...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Fishy! on July 04, 2009, 04:29:36 PM
 This is a cute vid about a little girl saying the pledge (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYen-qn1zec&feature=player_embedded) <-click me im a link!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on August 04, 2009, 01:06:42 PM
(http://static.pyzam.com/img/funnypics/misc/mi16.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on August 04, 2009, 02:14:47 PM
JDL!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Fishy! on August 04, 2009, 07:36:52 PM
Crazy ass workout...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0fp_oJbu8c

funny tattoos!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luAPOMi8-VE

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Shylina Marie on August 14, 2009, 06:54:12 PM
No sex since 1955
> A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
> hosted by a local
> liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
> young idealistic ladies
> in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
> for conversation.
> 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
> serious man.  Is
> something bothering you?'
> 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
> The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and
> said, 'It looks
> like you have seen a lot of action.'
> 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
> The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a
> conversation, said, 'You
> know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
> yourself.'
> The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
> Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you
> don't take this the
> wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
> '1955, ma'am.'
> 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious.
> You really need to
> chill out!  I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand
> and led him to a
> private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him
> several  times
> Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare> chest and said,
> 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
> The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after
> glancing at his watch,
> 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'
> (Gotta love military time)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on August 14, 2009, 07:01:45 PM
roflmtao

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Medi on August 14, 2009, 07:34:50 PM
lmao

love the military...

amanda
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Shylina Marie on August 14, 2009, 07:39:11 PM
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on herwedding night and put it on.She went to her husband, a retired Soldier, and asked, "Honey, do youremember this?"He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You worethat same negligee the night we were married".She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck thelife out of those boobs and screw your brains out."She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fiftyyears later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to saytonight?"He looked her up and down and said; "Mission Accomplished."....................That's when the fight started.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Shylina Marie on August 14, 2009, 07:40:16 PM
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.
 

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.












He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.





At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on October 23, 2009, 05:29:59 PM
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'




MURDER AT WAL-MART...


Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to
have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000..


The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.


Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down
payment for the dirty deed.


A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her
last breath & slumped to The floor ........


The manager of the produce department stumbled
Unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses
behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as
well..


However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught
And arrested before he could even leave the store...

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
Revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements
with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.


The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...


(You're going to hate me for this...)





ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'


Oh, quit groaning!!!

I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then pass it on to you.








A man's penis gets sunburned so he sticks it in a glass of milk. His blonde girlfriend walks in and says OMG! Is that how you reload it ?



A group of reporters and a green beret were captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribal chief had made a practice of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Special Forces soldier, what is
your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the green beret.

"What?" asked the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the green beret.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The green beret went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire.

In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Special Forces soldier was untying the others, they asked him, "Why
didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the green beret, "And have you assholes call ME the
aggressor?!?"





Bubba's Home Remedies


HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on November 18, 2009, 05:46:27 AM
A legal question!!!!!

(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=12507731bdac2b7c&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw)

(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=12507731bdac2b7c&attid=0.1.2&disp=emb&zw)

(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=12507731bdac2b7c&attid=0.1.3&disp=emb&)

Is this statutory rape???
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on November 18, 2009, 11:48:00 AM
A legal question!!!!!

(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=12507731bdac2b7c&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw)

(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=12507731bdac2b7c&attid=0.1.2&disp=emb&zw)

(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=12507731bdac2b7c&attid=0.1.3&disp=emb&)

Is this statutory rape???


I suppose it depends on what the red X's are doing and how old they are.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on November 24, 2009, 09:35:56 AM
Ok....I don't know what happened to the pictures. Let's try this again.

Legal Question

(http://www.geckotales.com/moose1.jpg)

(http://www.geckotales.com/moose2.jpg)

(http://www.geckotales.com/moose3.jpg)

Is this statutory rape???
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on November 24, 2009, 09:44:50 AM
Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving

01. Talk about a huge breast!

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

03. It's Cool Whip time!

04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

05. That's one terrific spread!

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

07. Are you ready for seconds yet?

08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on November 24, 2009, 11:21:33 AM
ok.... ;D...so i was bored today at work..

(http://88.84.128.30/~isnochys/wordpress/wp-content/2008/07/2894.jpg)

(http://apps.rockyou.com/images/facebook/apps/superwall/2008_03_17_dirty_mind.jpg)

(http://www.simplydumb.com/files/2008/03/sexism-thumb.jpg)

(http://)
(http://bighugelabs.com/contest/1/42.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on November 24, 2009, 01:16:52 PM
Ok....I don't know what happened to the pictures. Let's try this again.

Legal Question

(http://www.geckotales.com/moose1.jpg)

(http://www.geckotales.com/moose2.jpg)

(http://www.geckotales.com/moose3.jpg)

Is this statutory rape???


ROTFLMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on November 24, 2009, 01:18:06 PM
Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving

01. Talk about a huge breast!

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

03. It's Cool Whip time!

04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

05. That's one terrific spread!

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

07. Are you ready for seconds yet?

08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!


*Facepalms and groans*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on November 24, 2009, 01:21:45 PM
ok.... ;D...so i was bored today at work..

(http://www.simplydumb.com/files/2008/03/sexism-thumb.jpg)



LMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on February 03, 2010, 06:48:43 AM
First came the Commemorative coins, then the T-shirts and then the plates .

Now somSomething for the rest of us...


(http://f837.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f62656%5fAEhVk0UAAXoXS2mAmQDS9lI9dr8&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1)

Use with Caution...
it's going to irritate your ass!

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on February 03, 2010, 12:08:13 PM
(http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs292.ash1/21956_1300515123291_1542828275_762825_5617991_n.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 03, 2010, 05:41:30 PM
(http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs292.ash1/21956_1300515123291_1542828275_762825_5617991_n.jpg)


ROTFLMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Medi on February 03, 2010, 06:19:03 PM
They should send one to the entire nation...

 :D :D :D :D

Thanks, Hipster...

Leda
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on February 04, 2010, 05:38:52 AM
Going to try this one again.

First came the Commemorative coins, then the T-shirts and then the plates .

Now Something for the rest of us...

(http://jeremyinc.com/images/obama.jpg)


Use with Caution...
It's going to irritate your ass!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Sarant'satstral on February 04, 2010, 10:04:54 AM
-snickers-...nice one.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 04, 2010, 07:27:46 PM
Going to try this one again.

First came the Commemorative coins, then the T-shirts and then the plates .

Now Something for the rest of us...

(http://jeremyinc.com/images/obama.jpg)


Use with Caution...
It's going to irritate your ass!


Now this is disgraceful. I would never wipe my ass with this stuff.








I value my ass too much!!!

ROTFLMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on February 05, 2010, 08:12:04 AM
Rags, Ray completely agrees with you on that note, as do I... but it does nail it perfectly on how he's reflected in the USA.. ~snickers~
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: kadi{MTC} on February 05, 2010, 01:33:09 PM

      A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
      The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.
      The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: 'That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
      'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
      'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
      The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:
      'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*cking siren, would I?'
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 05, 2010, 07:05:00 PM
LMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: kelsey on February 17, 2010, 03:42:56 PM
(http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/celebrity-pictures-bolger-garland-job-congress.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 17, 2010, 05:07:01 PM
(http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/celebrity-pictures-bolger-garland-job-congress.jpg)

Without a doubt!!! Then they could honestly say the stimulus package created one job.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: ndndancer on February 23, 2010, 06:28:23 AM
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.


 One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

 The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

 Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

 A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

 There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
 
 Women blink twice as often as men.

 The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
 
 Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

 If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

 Women reading this will be finished now.

 Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on February 23, 2010, 08:13:38 AM
Women reading this will be finished now.

 Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Hehehe....That is too good! *Runs and hides quickly*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 23, 2010, 04:41:50 PM
JDL!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on March 03, 2010, 08:50:59 AM
(http://captionsplash.mylifetime.com/files/captionsplash/imagecache/cs_full_430x323/caption_photos/2010-02-19/1266629510/image.jpg)

(http://captionsplash.mylifetime.com/files/captionsplash/imagecache/cs_full_430x323/caption_photos/2010-02-13/1266117453/image.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 03, 2010, 05:32:30 PM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on March 10, 2010, 06:26:30 AM
(http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs502.snc3/26393_1222195920400_1394027410_30525622_8061262_n.jpg)

It's about time that it happened to her!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on March 10, 2010, 08:02:02 AM
A-frakken-MEN!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Ariakas on March 10, 2010, 08:31:02 AM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 10, 2010, 06:37:27 PM
JDL!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on March 22, 2010, 01:22:15 PM
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate


Reply: Dear Desperate:


First, keep in mind: Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilty 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.4, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Ariakas on March 22, 2010, 03:03:15 PM
LMFAO!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Mercilayne on March 22, 2010, 03:25:42 PM
LMAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 22, 2010, 08:03:14 PM
JDL!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on March 23, 2010, 09:46:13 AM
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown  Savannah  night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m.  E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

 First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

 I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

 After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

 I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

 I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

 Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

 The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

 In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 23, 2010, 09:50:07 AM
I LOVE IT!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on March 23, 2010, 09:54:03 AM
Hehe...thought you would Rags!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on March 23, 2010, 09:55:44 AM
 ;) :D :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on March 23, 2010, 11:34:55 AM

 

   

How fairy tales really end:


Cinderella
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw)

Snow White
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.2&disp=emb&zw)

Little red riding hood
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.3&disp=emb&zw)

Sleeping beauty
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.4&disp=emb&zw)

Jasmine (Aladin)
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.5&disp=emb&zw)

Belle (Beauty and the beast)
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.6&disp=emb&zw)

The little mermaid
(http://mail.google.com/a/crerentals.com/?ui=2&ik=1623e74474&view=att&th=1276d6e4802597a5&attid=0.1.7&disp=emb&zw)




 

 
 
 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on March 23, 2010, 12:39:24 PM
is there supposed to be pictures on that last one?
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RickBulow74 on March 23, 2010, 01:28:30 PM
STILL no pics
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on April 07, 2010, 01:18:19 PM
got this in my email the other day  :D


40 things you would like to say at work
this are hilarious!!! and soooo true...
 
1.   I can see your point, but I still thing you're full of crap.
2.   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3.   How about never?  Is never good for you?
4.   I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5.   I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6.   I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7.   I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8.   I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
9.   It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word you are saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you.  You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
21. Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office.  Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it.... like humor... but different.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on April 08, 2010, 02:29:27 AM
LMTAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Mercilayne on May 19, 2010, 05:41:00 PM
not sure if this has ever been posted or not....but thought I'd stick it up here anyways..


In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.  "Sir," she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.  Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.  What a nice feeling, he thought.  Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.  Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER
LISTEN
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on May 20, 2010, 04:45:39 PM
ound this on another board and had to share...

a comedian who does a kick ass Ian McKellen impression...and then redoes the openings of a couple well known classic tv shows

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1HSNV9y25A (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1HSNV9y25A)

Ducktales~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqyD8E1QATs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqyD8E1QATs)

there's more but these were the ones that had me cracking up
 ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on June 23, 2010, 12:54:35 PM
(http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs147.snc4/36724_405086501838_766296838_4124368_2021002_s.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on June 24, 2010, 08:38:37 PM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Raziel on June 25, 2010, 07:34:27 PM
got this in my email the other day  :D


40 things you would like to say at work
this are hilarious!!! and soooo true...
 
1.   I can see your point, but I still thing you're full of crap.
2.   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3.   How about never?  Is never good for you?
4.   I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5.   I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6.   I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7.   I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8.   I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
9.   It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word you are saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you.  You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
21. Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office.  Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it.... like humor... but different.

See that... most of that is done on a daily basis at my work.  Just ask anyone who has ever heard me on the phone while at work.

Raz
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on June 25, 2010, 09:16:50 PM
I can vouch.... it is true. LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Mercilayne on June 30, 2010, 03:53:48 PM
Evil Squirrel
 

A former Vietnam Helicopter Pilot wrote the message below..

I never dreamed slowly  cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on  Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run  across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-- it was that close. I  hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.  I barely had time to brace  for the impact.  Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before  impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs  and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.  His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!  I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for,  "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was  nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my  windshield, and impacted me squarely in
the chest. Instantly, he set upon  me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of  a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!  Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.........And losing...
I grabbed for him with  my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail.  With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That  should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.  It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.  This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my  BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!  The situation was not improved.
Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.  I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy  twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.  Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.  The engine roared and the front wheel left  the pavement.  The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.  I screamed  in... well...  I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one  wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the
handlebars and try to get control of the bike.  This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car.  Also, I had not yet  figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About  this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face.  I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.  Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as  hard as I could. This time it worked ...  sort-of.  Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.


Picture a new scene.  You are a cop.  You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet  residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.  Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't  mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back).  I really would have  Really... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.  So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.  That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying  pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat.  But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ...but it was all his.  I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and  sedately left the neighborhood.  I decided it was best to just buy myself a  new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Amber on June 30, 2010, 05:54:46 PM
-falls out of my fucking chair just laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaughing- Must be the cousin of the squirrel that almost made me get into an accident when I was living in Des Moines.  For those that don't know.. if a squirrel is knocked unconcious by running smack dab into a cars tire.. the sound of another approaching vehicle will wake it right back up, so that it will hop up right before your car goes over it, thereby scaring the shit out of you and causing you to swerve out of reflex rather than animal rights.  And should you not cause an accident and look in your review mirror?  The damned squirrel just did it again and is currently scaring the driver behind you with it's "back from the dead" impression.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on June 30, 2010, 07:31:42 PM
Squirrels are EVIL!!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on June 30, 2010, 07:37:34 PM
BWA hah hah hah hah hah hah!!!!

ROTFLOMTAOFDL!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on July 07, 2010, 12:40:21 PM
(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3128/2678855518_bd00f849d0.jpg)

YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS RANCHER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO  LIFE ......

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama, and his being our president.

The  old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,

What's a "Post Turtle?"

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a  country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb a** put him up there in the first place."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Mercilayne on July 07, 2010, 04:24:23 PM
-bol-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Ariakas on July 07, 2010, 05:19:06 PM
roflmao
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on July 12, 2010, 03:54:11 PM
ROTFLMTAO!!!

Damn skippy!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Medi on July 24, 2010, 05:48:23 PM
This is mY husband, in his usual pose...watching Glenn Beck....

http://i.imgur.com/kodxp.jpg

And yes, that is my Rosary in the foreground...

Giggles...but feeling safe...

Medi
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on July 24, 2010, 07:28:44 PM
LOL But where is the beer to go with the firepower??!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Shylina Marie on August 10, 2010, 03:41:25 PM
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant..One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law  states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on August 10, 2010, 07:38:03 PM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on August 11, 2010, 09:49:28 AM
LOL....That is just too funny. Thanks for sharing Shylina.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Mercilayne on August 11, 2010, 04:57:16 PM
JDL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on August 17, 2010, 12:48:14 PM
The following was posted on Facebook by a very good friend of mine from high school..

(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/taryniona/5492698.gif)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Medi on August 22, 2010, 10:33:02 AM
Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands ... once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone,

“Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence ...

“Well, f-king stop doin’ it then, ya evil bastard!”
 :D :D :D

I suspect that the shouter was a MacLaaran...

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on August 22, 2010, 12:16:18 PM
LMTAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Medi on August 27, 2010, 06:50:26 PM
These really cracked me up.
 :D ;D :D
I looked at her, and replied with a stern voice.
“On Gor”, I continued, “all men are stoic and without flaws, and all women are docile slaves”
“Yes, Master”, she replied.
- Boring Numbskull of Gor, page 234

“You are defeated”, said I.
He looked at me, fury in his eyes.
“No”, said he, and stood. “You jumped. INVALID!!!!”
- Pewpewer of Gor, page 59


The tall black clad woman looked at the smith, her eyes curious and aware.
“Tal”, she said. She looked the man over, and adjusted the bow on her back as she spoke.
He ignored her, and kept hammering on the anvil.
“Tal”, she repeated, her voice louder. “I am Louisa”
“Femlaw”, said he, “you don’t exist”
- Warwench of Gor, page 666


“What weapon do you carry, warrior?”, he asked.
I drew the gladius from its sheath, and showed it to the captain.
“How long”, he asked, “is this blade?”
I paused, and looked at the blade. “59 centimeters”, I replied. It was a guess.
He frowned as he replied. “The Gorean gladius”, said he, “is 64 centimeters long”.
I looked at him, perplexed.
He flicked a switch, and bared his teeth at me, “You ignorant fool,” he snarled, “you know nothing of Gor”
My eyes went wide. I had been banned.
- Supercilious Fool of Gor, page 342


“Slave,” I said, “you will clean the bosk pens”.
“Yes, Master” said she.
“Yes,” said I, “and you will send me a notecard of it when you finish”
- Notecarding Slave of Gor, page 44


“Bring me paga, beast” I told her, and took in the curves of her body.
The blonde physician raised his hand and spoke at me. “Nay Good Sir,” he exclaimed, “thou shalt not call this poor simple wretch a beast!”
- White Knight of Gor, page 164

She crawled up on the table in front of him with the pitcher in her delicate hands. “Drink, Master?”, she asked.
He sat silent a moment, and looked at her. “Slave,” he said, “pleasure me in IM”
She shook her head.
“You,” said he, “are no slave”
IM Nutjob of Gor, page 1


“Why,” I inquired, “are you laughing?”
“Because,” she replied with a grin, “I am amused”
“Fool,” said I, “on Gor, there is no fun”
- Partypooper of Gor, page 5

“Greetings, Master”, I said, and knelt on the paved street, my thighs wide in the position of the pleasure slave.
The slave kneeling to his left spoke. “No hun, you don’t kneel like that, okay sweetie? Here, let me show you. Do you need training?”
- Know-it-all of Gor, page 39


“Buy me Master”, she cried as her small fingers trailed up my leg.
I looked down at her, and my eyes locked with hers. “No”, said I.
She looked up at me with lust and desire in her eyes.
“But Master”, she said with a honeyed voice, “I’ll cum for you on voice”
I walked away, and heard her howls of anger in the distance.
- Annoying Whore of Gor, page 271


“Fear not”, said he, “I am a RL Master”
She looked up at him, doubt in her eyes.
“Trust me,” he said, “I am a RL Master”
- Wannabe of Gor, page 36


I looked at her. “I will have you swiftly,” I said.
“No”, she shook her head, “I am restricted to my Master”
“I will have you swiftly”, I repeated.
“No,” said she, “read my profile limits”
- Princess of Gor, page 87


“You cannot punish me”, she said, and looked up at the whip.
I delivered the first strike. “Yes,” said I, “you are a slave”
“No,” she cried, “I am my Masters property! You may not punish me!”
- AAAAAAARGGGHHHH of Gor, page 198


The slave of Marius the Merchant approached me. I frowned, her features were not appealing to me.
“A drink, Master?”, she asked, and smiled.
“No,” said I, “I do not like your face. Change it, slave”
She looked down, her face saddened. “I cannot”, she replied, and looked to the side in shame, “Master”
I took the knife from my belt, and quickly slit her throat. I would pay compensation to Marius later.
- Insane Asshole of Gor, page 102


“Learn, slave”, said I, “or die”
“No,” said she, “it is fun to disobey”
- Attention Whore of Gor, page 114


“I do not much care for your attitude. I want your name and photo”, I scowled, “this is more than a game for me!”
She looked at me with a puzzled look on her face. “I am here for role play”, she said.
“No”, I scowled, “you are a slave in all ways!”
She played a giggling gesture, then a fart gesture, and walked off.
I clicked her, and read her picks. I had been added to her no-RP list.
- Delusional Lifestyler of Gor, page 75


He took the pincers, and closed them around her labia. He had done the same to her nipples, and he had been most aroused by the painful screams.
“Good thing”, he said and smiled, “that you are only a slave”
He tightened his grip, and pulled.
- Sadistic Nutjob of Gor, page 2


A slave joined the one in front of me. They hugged, giggled, and proceeded to prattle on nonsensically.
My head exploded in frustration, the red goo flowing out of the spot where my neck once was.
- Sissybissysissypooboowoo of Gor, page 99


“The 600th aphorism of the codes from bettergorean.com state,” he began.
Suddenly the air turned an electric blue. I shielded my eyes, and opened them only a few minutes later.
I looked down. The man had been struck by the blue flame of the Priest Kings.
- Onlinism of Gor, page 23


“I am better”, I said.
“No,” said he, “I am better”
I looked at him, angry. “I insist”, I replied, “that I am better”
“You,” he said, “are wrong. I am better”
“No,” I shot back, “I am better!”
He stomped his feet against the ground repeatedly. “No, me!”, he cried.
e-Penis of Gor, page 72


 :D ;D :D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on August 27, 2010, 07:01:22 PM
JDL

And the funniest part for me is I see actual gorean personna's in place of the fabricated book quotes!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Medi on August 27, 2010, 07:21:57 PM
JDL

And the funniest part for me is I see actual gorean personna's in place of the fabricated book quotes!!!

I know, Rags...by my count, I have been guilty of at least 8 of them...
 :P
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Medi on August 28, 2010, 08:50:52 PM
I found some more...
 ;D ;D ;D

"I would like a bota of cold paga", I say to the girl kneeling in front of me.
"Yes, Master, a bottle of larma juice", the lovely blonde says.
"No, girl, a bota of cold paga", I repeat.
"Yes, Master, a bottle of cold paga", the lovely girl says to me.
I take her chin in my hand, forcing her to focus on me..."A bota of cold paga", I say, slowly.
"Yes Master, a bota of cold paga" she says.
I release her chin, and watch as she scampers away.  As she gets a short distance away, I hear her coo, "Ooooh...look at the kitty", and watch as she follows the giani that lives in the gardens.
I sigh, and pick up a rock and peg it at the back of her head.
-ADHD Kajira of Gor, page 134-

"It was, like, totally gross" says tiffany.
"Well, like, basically, the Master tied misty up, and threw her into the canal, and, like, the urts ATE her!"
"Eww, like totally gross", said heather.
"Like, I totally blew chunks".
"Like, gag me with a spoon", said melissa.
"Eww, that must have been, like, grody to the max", said heather.
"Yeah, like, basically, it grossed me out.  Say, let's go get some latte' soy frapuccinos."
-Valley girls of Gor, page 203-

"Does this please you, Master?", said the girl, as she knelt as a pleasure slave.
I idly looked down at her, and frowned.  "No, your legs aren't quite at the right angle, and your back isn't very straight".
I pull out my sword, and cut her head off.
"That will teach you, slave", I snarl as I walk away.
I leave the area, wondering why I am not getting any IM furring.
-Unforgiving Perfectionist Asshole of Gor, page 589

<At a beach near the Thassa>...Hello.
<In a cave in the Schendi Jungles>...Tal, well met, I am pleased to meet you, I am ready to add my sword to your band.
<At a beach near the Thassa>...((Ah, we are about 1,000 pasangs apart, we can not be talking to each other)).
<In a cave in the Schendi Jungles>...((What is a pasang?))
<At a beach near the Thassa>...((Whatever, just match my pd))
<In a cave in the Schendi Jungles>...((What's a 'pd'?))
<At a beach near the Thassa>...((It is shorthand for 'pull down'...just hit the menu, and select where I am at))
<In a cave in the Schendi Jungles>...hits the 'copy and paste' tab...((Is this it?))
<At a beach near the Thassa>...Leaves...
-Technology Challenged Tarnsman of Gor, page 34-

I watch as the lovely slave makes her way to me.  I have listened, and paid attention to each, and every detailed step of her serve, that she had addressed to me. It has taken her about 50 minutes, earth time, to complete her serve, and it was very detailed, and graceful.  My mouth is in a broad smile as she settles into her final kneel, and offers the exquisite food and drink to me.
"Does this please you, Master?, she coos.
"Yes, girl, it does, but I didn't order this, He did", I say as I point my thumb to my right.
The Ubar, sitting to my right, doesn't look very amused.
-Airhead Kajira of Gor, page 89-


Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on August 28, 2010, 11:44:01 PM
JDL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Lilac on September 25, 2010, 05:57:53 PM
my girl, jale, sent this to me and I about died laughing..  thought I would share


 I met a fairy today that granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever, " I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Lions win the Super Bowl!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Mercilayne on September 25, 2010, 06:34:40 PM
-bol- 
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on September 26, 2010, 01:43:52 PM
LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on October 05, 2010, 07:12:00 PM
The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets


Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'


And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . .. . . .
And Dog was happy. . . . .


And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other....
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on October 05, 2010, 07:21:11 PM
LMTAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Sarant'satstral on October 05, 2010, 07:31:28 PM
-applaudes-  ;D :D ;)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on October 06, 2010, 04:18:56 AM
now the REAL story of the 3 Bears


A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....


'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on October 06, 2010, 04:32:46 AM
On the Way to the Wedding


On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they still get married in heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.. Let me go find out," and he went back inside.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted.. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a Lawyer?!?"
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on October 06, 2010, 06:25:40 AM
now the REAL story of the 3 Bears


A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....


'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!

Dats my gunny!!!
 :D :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Mercilayne on October 06, 2010, 05:36:31 PM
LMAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: flame{NS} on October 08, 2010, 02:24:35 PM
Lmao at all of them thank you i really did need a laugh...


da flame
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on October 30, 2010, 06:43:32 PM
The California Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading towards the city of San Diego

For the first offense, they give you two Chargers tickets.

If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on October 30, 2010, 07:24:01 PM
True dat!!!

 :D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on November 13, 2010, 10:25:16 AM
I gotta love my darlin' Dave in Philly... this is from him..




The Love Dress

A  woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.   

She let herself in and was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and  the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What  are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm  waiting for Mike to come home from work,"  the  daughter-in-law answered.

"But  you're naked!" the mother-in-law  exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to  wear this dress," she  explained."  It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me  in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic  and  ravages  me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The  mother-in-law left. When she got home, she  undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a  romantic  CD,  and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband  to arrive.  Finally, her husband came home. He walked  in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What  are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love  dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said "What's for dinner?

He  never heard the gunshot...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on November 13, 2010, 06:43:48 PM
JDL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Mercilayne on November 13, 2010, 07:53:48 PM
-jdl-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Sidona on November 14, 2010, 10:15:22 AM
woobies!! I knew this was for you all along!!!

(http://c0389161.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/dyn/str_strip/343393.full.gif)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on November 25, 2010, 05:36:15 PM
found this on another board...and had to share~

(http://media.funlol.com/content/img/mature-people-truths.jpg)

Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on November 25, 2010, 06:14:21 PM
A great deal of truth in those words!!! LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Mercilayne on November 25, 2010, 07:25:19 PM
omg I just soooo love those!!!  -lmao-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on December 07, 2010, 07:31:03 AM
 A Terre Haute, IN, policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
 wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was
 standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
 AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
 reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
 (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
 

 A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
 radar post in Indianapolis, IN. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded
with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

 
 A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As an Indiana State Trooper
 walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
 you are going to sell me a ticket to the Indiana State Police Ball." He
replied, "Indiana State Police don't have balls." There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too
hard to start her car.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 07, 2010, 01:46:20 PM
ROTFLMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on December 07, 2010, 02:19:49 PM
jdl

omg...those are a riot! thank you for sharing those  :)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Sarant'satstral on December 07, 2010, 07:50:15 PM
 ;D haha. Oh thank you for those. So needed the laugh!

-makes note to find the illusive 'sarcasm' font!-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Mercilayne on December 07, 2010, 08:21:27 PM
-jdl-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Hippie on December 17, 2010, 11:00:38 AM
Gift from Santa

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir.
"Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 18, 2010, 12:14:33 AM
BOROTFLMTAO!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Medi on December 18, 2010, 05:04:27 AM
Some 'Red Savage' humor.

There were three Indian squaws.
One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on December 18, 2010, 11:55:10 AM
*Scratches my head*  :-\
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on December 19, 2010, 04:53:56 PM
Some 'Red Savage' humor.

There were three Indian squaws.
One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
 :D :D :D


And this is why I flunked Algebra.. LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Taithleach on December 22, 2010, 10:05:58 AM
This is definitely a Gorean joke, because it's the Pytha"gorean" theorem. -- Ray
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Medi on December 23, 2010, 12:39:47 AM
This is definitely a Gorean joke, because it's the Pytha"gorean" theorem. -- Ray

Taryn, I think that Ray's response is worse than the joke... ;D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Dream on January 05, 2011, 09:46:22 PM
this was on facebook

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/hs040.snc6/166996_496738327239_26012002239_5889210_6781438_n.jpg)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on January 05, 2011, 10:24:37 PM
BWAHAHAHAHAHA...
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Sarant'satstral on January 08, 2011, 01:09:50 PM
-falls over giggling-
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Medi on January 08, 2011, 10:20:51 PM
OK, a frog walks into a bank, and walks up to the Teller, who's nameplate reads "Patricia Whack".  The frog says that he wants a $10,000 loan.  The Teller asks the frog who he is, and what collateral he has for the loan.  The frog replies, "My name is Kermit, my father is Mick Jagger, and, I have this for collateral".  The frog sets a small ivory carving of an elephant on the woman's desk.  She takes the carving up, and says, "Wait here, I need to speak to the Manager".

She walks into the Manager's office, and tells him, "There is a frog out there who wants a $10,000 loan.  He says that his father is Mick Jagger, and he has this for collateral.  She sets the carving on the Manager's desk, and asks, "Just what is this thing, anyway?"

The Manager looks down at the carved piece of ivory, and then looks back at the Teller, and says;

"It's a nicknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan.  His old man's a Rolling Stone".
 :D ;D :D
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on January 09, 2011, 12:20:39 AM
(http://www.webmaze.com/memberpages/ragnar/3pfacepalm.jpg)

:D ;) :-*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on January 22, 2011, 04:38:01 PM
45 Life Lessons-

 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
 
 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
 
 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
 
 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents
 will. Stay in touch
 
 5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
 
 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
 
 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone
 
 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
 
 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
 
 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
 
 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
 
 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
 
 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is
 all about.
 
 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
 
 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
 blinks.
 
 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
 
 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
 
 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
 
 19 It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to
 you and no one else.
 
 20 When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an
 answer.
 
 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save
 it for a special occasion. Today is special.
 
 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
 
 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
 
 24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
 
 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
 
 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this
 matter?'
 
 27. Always choose life.
 
 28. Forgive everyone everything.
 
 29 What other people think of you is none of your business.
 
 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
 
 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
 
 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
 
 33. Believe in miracles.
 
 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
 didn't do.
 
 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
 
 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
 
 37. Your children get only one childhood.
 
 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
 
 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
 
 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab
 ours back.
 
 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
 
 42. The best is yet to come...
 
 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
 
 44. Yield.
 
 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on January 22, 2011, 07:08:19 PM
I needed that. *Huggers*  :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on January 23, 2011, 03:29:33 PM
Military Rules for the Non-Military Personnel


Dear Civilians,

We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with:


1. The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem ... kick their ass.


2. When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in protest... kick their ass.


3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.


4. (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.


5. Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kicking (children are exempt).


6. If you witness someone calling the U.S. Coast Guard non military, inform them of their mistake...and kick their ass.


7. Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper...it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.


8. Next time Old Glory (U.S. flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her...of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking.


9. What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The proper word to describe her is "traitor." Just mention her nomination for "Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked.


10. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command, is to include our commander in Chief. The President (for those who didn't know) is our CIC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives" meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)


11. "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me ... stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and probably kick your ass!


12. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me ... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let a vet know, so the can go kick their ass.


13. Flyboy (Air Force), Jar Head (Marines), Grunt (Army), Squid (Navy) etc, are terms of endearment used describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Could get your ass kicked.


14. Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please remember that there are, literally, thousands of sailors and troops far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on January 23, 2011, 03:32:27 PM
LETTER FROM A NAVAL AVIATOR


I don't know who put this... together, but I sure would like to shake his hand, pat him on the back, and wish him, "Good Hunting...!"

Dear Terrorists,
I am a Navy Aviator. I was born and raised in a small town in New England . I come from a family of five. I was raised in a middle class home and taught my values by my mother and father.

My dad worked a series of jobs in finance and my mom took care of us kids. We were not an overly religious family but attended church most Sundays. It was a nice small Episcopal Church. I have a brother and Sister and I am the youngest in my family. I was the first in many generations to attend college.

I have flown Naval aircraft for 16 years. For me the flying was never a lifelong dream or a "calling," it just happened. I needed a job and I liked the challenge.
I continue to do it today because I feel it is important to give back to a nation which has given so much to me.

I do it because, although I will never be rich, my family will be comfortable. I do it because many of my friends have left for the airlines and someone has to do it. My government has spent millions to train me to fly these multi-milliondollar aircraft. I make about 70,000 dollars a year and after 20 years will be offered a pension.
I like baseball but think the players make too much money. I am in awe of firemen and policemen and what they do each day for my community, and like teachers, they just don't get paid enough.

I respect my elders and always use sir or ma'am when addressing a stranger. I'm not sure about kids these days but I think that's normal for every generation.
I tell you all this because when I come for you, I want you to know me.

I won't be hiding behind a woman or a child. I won't be disguised or pretending to be something I am not. I will be in a U.S. Issue flight suit. I will be wearing standard US issue flight gear, and I will be flying a Navy aircraft clearly marked as a US warplane.

I wish we could meet up close in a small room where I could wrap my hands around your throat and slowly squeeze the life out of you, but unfortunately, you're hiding in a hole in the ground, So we will have to do this a different way.

I want you to know also that I am very good at what I do. I can put a 2,000 lb weapon through a window from 10,000 feet up. I generally only fly at night, so you may want to start sleeping during the day.
I am not eager to die for my country but I am willing to sacrifice my life to protect it from animals like you.
I will do everything in my power to ensure no civilians are hurt as I take aim at you. My countrymen are a forgiving bunch. Many are already forgetting what you did on Sept 11th. But I will not forget!! I am coming. I hope you know me a little bit better, see you soon...sleep tight.

Signed: A U.S. Navy Pilot
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on January 23, 2011, 05:34:48 PM
God Bless and Amen!!!
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on January 26, 2011, 04:20:47 AM
A Breakdown of The Ingredients in Taco Bell’s Taco Beef

News broke today that a law firm in Alabama is suing Taco Bell for false advertising, claiming that their beef isn’t actually beef at all, seeing as it contains only 36% actual cow flesh. That leaves 64% of the “beef” to account for. Tech blog Gizmodo got their hands on a list of the rest of Taco Bell’s beef ingredients, but they only went as far as to mention what those ingredients are, by name. We’re going to swoop in and give you a basic description of what those are specifically, and what it is they do.

1)      Beef – It’s only at number one because if they flipped number’s one and two to save some cash Taco Bell would then have to advertise their products as containing “savory, gelatinous beef water.”

2)      Water – Coming in as the second most prominent ingredient in Taco Bell bee is water, because the principle that applies to poor people tricking themselves in to thinking that adding water in to the jug of milk means you have more milk also applies to corporate fast food chain beef preparation, aka Beef Chicanery.

3)      Isolated Oat Product – used as a “meat extender,” which is, by the way, is also a phrase found in the product descriptions of quite a few dick-related sex toys. Isolated oats are oats that have been told they will never amount to anything and will never have any friends. Thus, they become sheltered and anti-social and they listen to a lot of Slipknot. While they may be pretty far down on the list of oat products you’d hang out with in high school, they are number three on the list of Taco Bell beef ingredients. It’s like that nerdy kid in school that no one hung out with who later become the CEO of a major tech company.

4)      Salt – If you add enough of it, anything can taste like food.

5)      Chili Pepper – see # 4. Also, it masks that created-in-a-test-tube-under-strict-anti-biohazzard-contamination-regulations taste.

6)      Onion Powder – If onion powder is made of onions, and garlic powder is made of garlic, what’s baby powder made of? Ha-ha! Stole that from every 90s stand-up comedian!

7)      Tomato Powder – What tomato fairies sprinkle on tomatoes to make them fly. The tomatoes must also think a happy thought in order to fly. Sadly, most tomatoes are idiots that can’t even think. And the ones that can are only thinking murder.

8)      Oats – The once-popular-but-now-kind-of-sad older brother of Isolated Oat Product. He used to get all the chicks in high school, but after he blew out his knee during a football game, he lost his University of Florida scholarship. He now works various crappy temp jobs and can only make it up to the number eight slot of the most prominent ingredients in Taco Bell beef. He is to this day jealous of his younger brother Isolated Oat Product.

9)      Soy Lecithin – Scientifically classified as a “wetting agent.” We should note that a Super Soaker can also be considered a wetting agent. And if you’re saying wetting agent without reading it, then yes, it is also a person that works out the various contracts used during weddings.

10)   Sugar – Because you can’t make diabetes an actual ingredient.

11) Spices – A vague enough word to make you think something devious is afoot, yet a concrete enough word to make people quickly give up thinking about how devious it sounds.

12)   Maltodextrin – a corn-based sweetener added in to meet the American public’s demand of eating corn while eating a corn tortilla. Maltodextrin allows for the corn-within-corn dynamic. It’s also known as the Inception of corn-based products.

13)   Soybean Oil – The most boring and tasteless of all the oils.

14)   Garlic Powder – Made from cremated bodies of dead garlics.

15)   Autolyzed Yeast Extract – Like MSG, but cheaper. Taco Bell is cutting corners on a product that every mom-and-pop Chinese restaurant in North America has so much of they probably poor it in to your water.

16)  Citric Acid – A meat tenderizer. More efficient then having a dude pound 100 million pounds of meat with a hammer.

17)   Caramel Color – Because without it your taco beef would look like semi-coagulated paint primer.

18)   Cocoa Powder – A holdover from when Taco Bell thought about competing with Starbucks for the coffee drinker demographic, back when they were trying to figure out how to make beef-flavored mocha lattes. The experiments were not successful. Many chimps died.

19)   Silicon Dioxide — An anti-caking agent, and the contents of those little sacks of beads you find in new clothes. So, if you are opening a new clothing store, you can stuff the pockets of all of your jeans and button-up shirts with taco beef. Consuming the product ensures your stomach stays fresh and doesn’t attract moths.

20)   Natural Flavors – All of them. All naturally occurring flavors are included, including dirt, bitter horse ass, and placenta.

21)   Yeast – Because Taco Bell is required by the government to include at least one familiar sounding thing this far down on the list.

22)   Modified Corn Starch – It was modified with an obnoxiously loud tail pipe and a 4-foot-tall spoiler.

23)   Natural Smoke Flavor – It tastes like burning.

24)   More Salt – Because the fat Mexican mom that stirs the bubbling industrial vats of meat with a gigantic wooden spoon gave the meat a taste before it was done and thought it was too bland.

25)   Sodium Phosphate – Used to preserve meat. Also, it’s a laxative found in home enema kits. Without it the only way you could rid your bowels of the tacos you had for lunch would be with an incredibly invasive 14-hour rectal surgery.

We wrote all of this not knowing whether of not Taco Bell was an advertiser on our site. We still don’t know. But just in case they are, we would like to suggest to you, the loyal Holy Taco reader, that you sew a second mouth on to your asshole so you can enjoy the wonderful foods of Taco Bell at the same time, from both ends

http://www.holytaco.com/a-breakdown-of-the-ingredients-in-taco-bell’s-taco-beef/ (http://www.holytaco.com/a-breakdown-of-the-ingredients-in-taco-bell’s-taco-beef/)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: prism {*RgR*1*} on January 26, 2011, 10:08:25 AM
FDD~

and I love Taco Bell.. but now I think I might just stick to the chicken things.. LOL

savory gelatinous beef water..... LOL
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on January 26, 2011, 02:22:26 PM
FDD~

and I love Taco Bell.. but now I think I might just stick to the chicken things.. LOL

savory gelatinous beef water..... LOL

~lmao

well...i've known for years what it is....and eat it anyways  ;D

ish a baaaadddddd baaaaaaaaaddddddd girl

yup yup yup
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Mercilayne on January 30, 2011, 01:44:36 PM
-posts this cuz it was forwarded to me and I found it too funny not to pass on..............And runs like hell from Rags when he reads it-


Do you know what the difference between cheerios and the Pittsburgh Steelers are?


Cheerios belong in a bowl.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on January 30, 2011, 09:06:22 PM
-posts this cuz it was forwarded to me and I found it too funny not to pass on..............And runs like hell from Rags when he reads it-


Do you know what the difference between cheerios and the Pittsburgh Steelers are?


Cheerios belong in a bowl.

You do, of course, realise you are dead meat, yes?
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Mercilayne on January 31, 2011, 03:30:04 PM
I have no idea what you are talking about Rags.   :-*  ::)
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on February 01, 2011, 04:03:40 AM
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several...dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: Mercilayne on February 01, 2011, 05:15:48 AM
-bol-  Thank you, I needed that this morning.
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: RAGNAR on February 01, 2011, 03:15:54 PM
LMTAO
Title: Re: a little laugh :-)
Post by: familure{TD} on March 07, 2011, 03:56:57 AM
.THE DEBUTANTE BALL...


A U.S. Navy cruiser anchors off Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

Dear Captain,
...Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews, please.

Sending a written message by his yeoman, the captain replied:

Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD are in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Caltech. Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina.
We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.

Upon re