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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
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*LOLOLOLOL* I love it! ;D
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*chuckling*...So..okay..yer officially a nut...*S*
-
Butt Measurement
A man and his wife were working in their garden one
day and the man looks over at his wife and says "Your
butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet
Your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill.
..
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and
measure the grill and then went over to where his wife
was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than
the barbecue grill!!!". The woman chose to ignore her husband.
..
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling
frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who
completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up
this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
-
*chuckling*...So..okay..yer officially a nut...*S*
who? Me or Eulina or both? *L*
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LOL...i liked that one Tanya
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Glad you liked that one :o)
How's this one.......
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year
Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and
50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and
Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I
might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll
take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s 50
dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to
yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
-
LMAO...I have one..
Mildred and Earl
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl,
so she decided to just kill herself
and join him in death.
Thinking it would be best to get it
over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and
made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it
was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and
a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to
learn her heart's exact location.
"Since you're a woman,"
the doctor said,
"your heart is just below your left breast.
Why do you ask?"
She hung up without answering.
Later that night,
Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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Are you sure that wasn't about my grammy? Good one!!!! *LMBO* And hey.....I love your 'lil bear pic, it's so full of love :o)
-
*G* thankies
-
I found this beautiful summer poem and thought it might help make your day.
It did me, and it's very well written.
ENJOY!
" Summer "
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
(http://by131fd.bay131.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?&msg=B413CEDA-F0B5-40B1-9690-451FF2968761&start=0&len=58006&curmbox=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000001&a=ac5ddb3a1d49d962d00a8c0c6475b4c8d2d8a36f2ffd446bac69c17839d53238&mimepart=5)
SHIT!!
It's Hot !
-
The World's Shortest Fairytale
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry
me? The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever
after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends,
always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a
closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and
was never farted on.
The End
-
Banned from Wal-Mart
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for our dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because even though I’d lost 50 pounds, I’d ended up in the hospital last time, awakening in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and with IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practi cal ly everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.
Now Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore!!!
-
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband sa id. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And ! now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
-
Bratty...Both of you of course..*chuckles*
-
North vs. South
**The difference between the North and the South at last clearly explained:**
**The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.
**The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
**The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
**The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
**The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
**The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
**North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
**The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
**The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.
**The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.
**FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .***
**In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive
pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for.
**Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... do not buy food at this
store.
**Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
**Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
**Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
**Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you
either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the
adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this
way. All of them are in denial about it.
**The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
**Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
**If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These
are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
**If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow,
your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or
not. You just have to go there.
**Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient
marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
**In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it
and call it a driveway.
**AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept
them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. **
-
The Husband Store
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads::
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives who love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
-
Just has to laugh without making a comment at all...*chuckling*
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are you AFRAID???? :o
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Ohhh...Most definately...*L*
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Diam! That was good, Bratnick.......Can't stop laughing!!! :D
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an
attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To
which she replies, "I think you're the father of
one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the
only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and
says, "My God, are you the stripper from my
bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with
all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes
and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
-
LOL..I like that Easy
cat tail
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the
tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
WALMART is the largest "retailer" in the world!!!
-
Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
Ya gotta love this--
the third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
-
*LOL*.....cute, Brat
-
Beautiful Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new ladies."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
-
;D Doodle BUG
-
Sitting in the bar George asked Johnny, 40, "How come you are not married?"
Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet"
George: "So what are you looking for?"
Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook 'n house keeper, - well and she's got to know how to handle money, - a really nice and pleasant personality is a must, - and money, she's got to have money, - and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."
George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU"
Johnny: "Oh it's okay, if she is crazy"
-
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they where there his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband "You can have her shipped home for $ 5000.00 or bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $ 200.00."
The husband thought about it for a while and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked the husband "Why would you spend $ 5000.00 to have your wife shipped home when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land and you would only spend $ 200.00?"
The husband replied, "A longtime ago a man died here and was buried here, three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"
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Lost in Nova Scotia
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching Shubenacadie (shoe-bin-aack-a-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"
The blonde waitress leaned over the counter and said "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttoooonnn'sss."
-
I'm wondering if this should be called "The Blonde Joke Thread" *LOL*
(Please excuse the caps in this one... how it came to me in an email!)
A FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
-
Using Big People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
[I love this]
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
-
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain so much more?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'
-
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .
(scroll down)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
(http://www2.kelloggs.com/ServeImage.aspx?BID=282&MD5=0d9aa9779172f16ba6b3a268277d18d7&W=220)
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*just shakes my head, laughing*
-
that was a good one ER...I liked that one and the one about the teacher and the big people words...LOL..
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A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
-
OMG....grins big...tats good
-
I thought it was cute..lol
-
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from all that skipping."
-
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy.
. You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!
-
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
-
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
-
The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
-
One night , after the couple had retired for the
night, the woman became aware that her husband was
touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by
running his hand across her shoulders and the small of
her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching
them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand
gently down her side, sliding his hand over her
stomach, and then down the other side to a point below
her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips,
first one side and the other. His hand ran further
down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing
then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped
and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she
squirmed a little to better position herself. The
man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of
the bed. " Why are you stopping darling?" she
whispered.He whispered back, " I found the remote!"
-
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her, "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde.
"There's hundreds of them!"
-
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy.
. You just hoped nobody ever found out!
-
A guy sticks his head into a barber's shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said: "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said: "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said: "About an hour and half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said: "Hey Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then, he doesn't ever come back.
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, " So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"
.
.
.
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said: "Your house."
-
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative!
-
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
-
Q: Why can't a blonde get a drivers license
A: Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat.
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A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
;D
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lmao ..Kelly that is a cute one
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*LOL*.....love it!
-
MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,
'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.' :D
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There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"
He asks her "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
:D
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Using Big People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
[I love this]
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
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A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
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One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full
moon, when Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, lets play Wee wee chu!"
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon," said Jung Lee.
"Oh c'mon baby, lets you and I play Wee wee chu. I love you and
it's the perfect time", Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Wee wee chu with me?"
June Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "Ok we'll play Wee wee
chu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang:
"Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas,
wee wee chu a Merry Christmas
wee wee chu a Merry Christmas
and a happy new year."
-
A man and his wife wre having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it and besides it is in the Bible that the man a should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that. Show me."
So, she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......................
"HEBREWS"
-
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.
Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.
Breast feeding is not allowed in public.
It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.
It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.
-
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ?, 'Because you are my friend'.
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
And remember....when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me!
-
Someone out there either has too much Spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay Too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).
;D ;D ;D
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps
we should start washing your clothes in SlimFast. Maybe it would take a few
inches off of your butt!!"His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply
couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.
The next morning the husband took a
pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this??' he said to
himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he
hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder In my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker "It's not talcum powder . . . It's 'Miracle Grow."
-
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 157 years ago?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
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http://by131w.bay131.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx? (http://by131w.bay131.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?)
-
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Offi cer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
-
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat
out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking isn't that obvious?).
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' the woman says.
'But, I haven't even touched you!' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day, ma'am' said the Game Warden, and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
-
THE MUSTARD STORY
I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.)
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
'Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.
With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon.''
-
bject: Living will
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the
den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That
would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the
plug.'So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
-
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom,
but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
"Sir," she said "You may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
"What a nice feeling," he thought. "Mens' restrooms don't have nice things like this."
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies' restroom was more than a restroom; it is a tender, loving pleasure treat.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes.
He was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed.
'The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN!
-
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients. When she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic
-
One morning, a husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?
"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
-
Dear mum,
I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.
I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.
I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.
His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.
We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.
Wish us luck
Katie
P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.
Xx
-
these are all so true, but kinda funny if you're not from the south...
Things I have learned by living in North Carolina
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in North Carolina .
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in North Carolina plus a couple no one has seen before.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
Backards and forwards means, "I know everything about you ."
DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
You measure distance in minutes.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
"Fix" is a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store." And "Fixinto" is one word.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You know what a "DAWG" is.
You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.
There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for court news and sports.
The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from North Carolina (and those who just wish they were).
EVERYONE can't be a North Carolinian; it takes talent. You might say it's an art form or a gift from God!
-
$280,000 Mortgage
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike. :D
-
Not funny, dead serious
THE JOB - URINE TEST
I HAVE TO PASS A URINE TEST FOR MY JOB... SO I AGREE 100%
Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem.
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their couch, doing drugs, while I work.
Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? Something has to change in this country -- and soon.
-
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch .'
-
Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!'
-
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
-
A racing twist to Easy's post....
Hello and welcome to the Mental Health and Racing Hotline. We're here to help you...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are a Darrell Waltrip fan, please press B for boogity and go the end of the longest line at K-mart.
If you are co-dependent, please have someone press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you're a Mark martin fan, press 8 and say awesome at least a half-dozen times.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother ship.
If you are a Jeff Gordon fan, it's ok, we understand.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it don't matter which number you press cuz no one will answer.
If you're a Dale Jarrett fan, it's ok, you can finally smile.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you are a Dale Earnhardt fan, dial 911, tell them you just knocked somebody off the road by accident and you won't get a ticket.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you, unless you want to buy a grandstand seat on the front row.
If you are a true die-hard race fan, please hang up the phone, get in your car, go to the nearest speedway and empty your wallet at the front gate.
-
Aging With Humor
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied . "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"
_________________________________
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
_______________________________
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs
__________ _ _______________________________________________
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
________________________________
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent , twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
_______________________________
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."
____________________________________________________________
My memory's not a s sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
________________________________
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
_______________________________
It's scary when you start making the same no ises as your coffee maker.
______________________________
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
______________________________
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
________________________________
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
-
Tax Time
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions. "He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year"
"Chicken Farmer it is." :D
-
1. Men are like ..Laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ...Bananas...The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather.. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials... You can't believe all they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like .Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ..Park ing Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
-
*L* good one Meg
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too."
-
*laughing*
That one was a good one also Kellie...*whispers*. I think they were talkin about ER...LOL
-
*L* do ya think?...it probably could be for a lot of guys ;D
-
Yeah..I do think LOL But, You know I'm dead when and If he reads that ..don't you???...LOL
-
whoops...looks like he found it *L*
-
Yup..He sure did..And I think he is dreaming now..Thinking that they would pay him...Yeah..Right..Don't know who he thinks he is kidding..But, It's sure not us..right???..LOL
-
WINTER BLONDE(brunette)
As a trucker stops for a red light, a brunette catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says 'Hi, my name is Meg and you are losing some of your load.'
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the brunette says brightly, 'Hi my name is Meg, and you are losing some of your load!
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the brunette gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Meg, and you are losing some of your load!'
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the cute brunette.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
'Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Ohio and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!'
-
Ha Ha Ha...Very Funny..LOL
-
Fills your mouth with ROCK SALT to get you to hush...*laughing*
-
lol...was ya picking it up for thta poor driver
-
There I went again....Open Mouth..Insert Foot...They are gettin to taste pretty dang good..LOL
-
Gives ya more ROCK SALT...LOL
-
Yeah...Don't think there is enough to fill it...
-
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely ...
A r e -- m y -- t e s t -- r e s u l t s -- b a c k?"
-
Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
-
A blonde moment?
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, it s righ t there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is, click the link...
http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg (http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg)
-
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too
cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again
said,"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted.
-
(http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e173/pearlymae/nosocks.gif)
-
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
-
>> Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
>> Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
>> order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
>> purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
>>
>>
>> Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
>> decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
>> it home."
>>
>>
>> The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
>> she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
>> less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
>> sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
>> office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
>> that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
>> to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
>>
>>
>> The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
>> adds, it will cost 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull,
>> the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
>> word.
>>
>>
>> After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send
>> her the word "comfortable."
>>
>>
>> The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
>> want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
>> haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
>> "comfortable?"
>>
>>
>> The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
>> it very slowly.... "com-for-da-bul."
-
LMBO..........now that's funny!!!
-
I thought it was pretty cute too...LOL
-
tat as good megs....nods...*S*
-
Two businessmen in NY City
are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the
store isn't ready - only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk
by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling." No sooner are
the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hillbilly from the
south walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks,
"What're y'all sellin' here?" One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling
assholes here." Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, "Well, I see
y'all're doing really good; you only got two left!"
NEW YORKERS (God bless 'em) SHOULD NOT MESS WITH SOUTHERNERS.
-
Janice, a blonde and her husband Al, are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.
Janice finally comes back up to bed and AL says, "The dog is still barking louder than ever, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in OUR backyard, let's just see how THEY like it."
-
Application for Permission to Date My Daughter
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________
__________________________________________________ ____ ______________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend __________________________________________________ _
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor/priest ? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
__________________________________________________ ____________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
__________________________________________________ ____________
C: A woman's place is in the:
__________________________________________________ ____________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
E. What do you want to do with your life ? ___________________________
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, & RED HOT POKERS.
__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating ....
Daddy's Rules for Dating
1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
3. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
4. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops , midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
5. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
6. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns.
-
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
> to file her taxes.
>
> The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
> questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and
> then asks, "What's your occupation?"
>
> "I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
>
> The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase
> that."
>
> The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
>
> "No, that still won't work. Try again."
>
> They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken
> farmer."
>
> The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
> prostitute?"
>
> "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
>
> "Chicken Farmer it is."
-
> Woman's Poem
>
> He didn't like the casserole
> And he didn't like my cake,
> He said my biscuits were too hard
> Not like his mother used to make.
> I didn't perk the coffee right
> He didn't like the stew,
> I didn't mend his socks
> The way his mother used to do.
>
> I pondered for an answer
> I was looking for a clue.
>
> Then I turned around and
> smacked the shit out of him...
> Like his mother used to do.
-
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the
Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she
neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young
man fixing (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and
said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear mother
and father.'
He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to
jump.'
She said, 'Well, think of your wife and children.'
He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any
kids.'
She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead
and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.'
-
What happens...
When you cheat on your wife
or girl friend
and she finds out?
OUCH!!
-
Tale of the Irish Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn'thave a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came outwith one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have anymoney left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw themout.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think Ican do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees arekillin'me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
-
Just a normal Friday night for Doo?????...LOL
-
lol
-
Hmph!
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
' Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second opinion - PRICELESS
-
that's a good'n Doo *L*
-
Getting her hot and bothered after 20 years
>> After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one
evening, when the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in
ways he hadn't in quite some time.
>>
>> It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then
began
>> moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her
shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts,
stopping just over her lower stomach.
>>
>> He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her
side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her
calf.
>>
>> Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the
uppermost
>> portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right
side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
>>
>> As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
>>
>> 'I found the remote,' he mumbled.
-
Woman's Poem
>
> He didn't like the casserole
> And he didn't like my cake,
> He said my biscuits were too hard
> Not like his mother used to make.
> I didn't perk the coffee right
> He didn't like the stew,
> I didn't mend his socks
> The way his mother used to do.
>
> I pondered for an answer
> I was looking for a clue.
>
> Then I turned around and
> smacked the snot out of him...
> Like his mother used to do.
-
THE ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa D'Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I can not tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and
I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar
boy now for 4 months. Now go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get for penance?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."
-
While out for a stroll around the farm on Easter morning, Mr Rooster happened on a pile of vividly colored eggs. Growing livid, he rushed into the woods and beat the crap out of Mr Peacock.
-
Jim happened to bump into his friend Gary at the tennis club.
"So," Jim said, "how's it working out with that shrink I recommended?"
"Great," Gary said. "I mean, when I started, I was the most arrogant, self-impressed egomaniac on God's green earth. Now," he shrugged, "you couldn't ask to meet a more terrific guy than me."
****************************
Don't we all know a few like this? *L*
-
Fascinated by her new pet kitten, little Jamie played with it day and night. The cat soon became so exhausted, and curled up beside the fireplace to sleep. Comforted by the warmth, the animal began to purr.
Screaming, Jamie ran into the bedroom. "Mommy, mommy, come quickly! The kitty's beginning to boil!"
-
Jim and Pete went fishing. As soon as they got to the middle of the lake, Jim started reeling them in; Pete caught nothing.
"It doesn't make any sense," Pete said. "My rod is better. I have more experience. But you're the one catching all the fish!"
"That's because I have a system." Jim said. "Y'see, when I wake up, if my wife's sleeping on her left side, I fish the left side of the boat. If she's on her right side, I sit on the right side."
"And what do you do if she's lying on her back?"
Jim replied, "I don't go fishing."
-
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Hello'.
'Mrs. Ward, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which one is your husband's.'
'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Ward.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The people at Medicare are recommending you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
-
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad . Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ).
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed .
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass .
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting, ' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . Um . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just . . . Just ...
Excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just . . . That . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . .' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
-
That was a good one...LOL..
-
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT(*hopes noone takes an offence*)
This one is too funny to not forward
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food
and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the
aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll
be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just
put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed
and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I
asked you to
raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am
called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant re plied, without
missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch.
-
*BOL*..that is a really good one....
-
Drinking with a Redneck Girl A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.! He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the&nb sp; glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
'God Bless America '
-
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called H oles?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver 's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
"THEIRS"?
-
Why Women Are Crabby
We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while theOB says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar . Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.
-
Those were good ones Kellie...LOL
-
All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'
-
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars
worth of gas...
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
-
Garfield on the oil crisis
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
Any Questions? NO?...Didn't think So.
-
God Loves Blondes
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....
'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.'
-
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your husband in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
-
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass -
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?
-
VASELINE
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back.
'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...
-
Wive's bill of rights
We, the wives of America, love being married to the husbands of America. We know we have our faults, but with our ever-morphing roles these days, there's a lot of pressure on us to be superhuman. We care for our families, manage the home, keep ourselves attractive, and even bring home our shares of the bacon. We know we sometimes lash out, but we really do want to "live happily ever after" with you. Our mutual acknowledgement of these amendments can go a long way toward achieving that.
Amendment I
We have the right to dislike your buddies.
We know it's important for you to have your guy friends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade. Disappear for a while and be boys—it's OK, go chug beer and high-five—but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables or leave their beer cans on the floor.
Amendment II
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory.
Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: Bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug.
Amendment III
We have the right to demand you finish a household job.
We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash the dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it.
Amendment IV
We have the right to an honest answer to "What's wrong?"
We admit guilt in this area too, but "Nothing" says nothing. If we ask, it's not because we're trying to make casual conversation. It's because we love you and need an honest answer. If there truly is nothing wrong, then ask why we think otherwise. Yes, this could open a can of worms, but remember when we dated and talked about everything?
Amendment V
We have the right to keep our secrets.
Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not your place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfriends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.
Amendment VI
We have the right to clean air.
You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. There is something inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You may not like our potpourri and scented candles, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.
Amendment VII
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products.
You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after two passes on your chest and legs.
Amendment VIII
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day.
About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't eavesdrop or criticize. We know you're not that interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you—a lot. It helps us work through issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.
Amendment IX
We have the right to flirt.
Not the kind that makes you jealous, but the healthy practice of connecting with another person on a non-sexual level. Light banter is fun, quick-witted, and encouraging to our self esteem. It might even remind you of why you feel in love with us. And if it gets us a smoking deal on that new furnace or a free stay for the family at a million-dollar ski chalet, so much the better.
Amendment X
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for our crotch or breasts and expect us to melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you.
-
Just to be fair....
Husbands bill of rights
We, the husbands of America, do not claim to be perfect. We're far from it. While we love being married to the wives of America, we have a few things that we'd like to straighten out. We're not asking for the world here. We understand that things like following our college football team to every away game is out of the question, as are after-dinner cigars. However; there are a few minor things that we'd like to clear up to make our marriage a happy one.
Amendment I
We have the right to go out with our friends at least once a month.
A man's relationship with his buddies is a bond that should never be broken. It helps keep us feeling young, connected and sane. It also helps us break the routine just like nights with the girls do for you. Even as we reach middle age, we like the fact that we still have a "crew."
Amendment II
We reserve the right to dislike your friend's husbands.
We promise to give the guy a fair shot, but when he starts acting like a moron, we can no longer authorize events with that family. And yes, wives have the same freedom to blackball when the tables are turned. It doesn't mean we like your friend any less, it just means that in her haste to have a big, fancy wedding, she chose a jackass that we don't want to spend our rare time off with. Listening to stories about how "wicked" he was on the French horn in his bitchin' ‘80s band is just too much.
Amendment III
We have the right to have a few things of ours in the house.
Everything we hold near and dear to us shouldn't all be in the garage. While we understand that our framed KISS concert poster might not make it on the living room wall, at least throw us a bone. The scene in "Juno" where Jason Bateman realized that everything he held near and dear was in a 200-square-foot room was a gut-shot to us all.
Amendment IV
We have the right not to be scolded by you.
We are your husbands, not your children. We don't mean to track dirt onto the carpet or get chips on the couch, but it's not like we just got a lap dance. Don't treat us like your children and we'll do our best not to act like them.
Amendment V
We have the right to teach our sons how to burp and fart.
Sharing bodily functions with our offspring is as much about life as it is about jokes. It's also something that can help brings kids and dads together. Believe me, kids and guys always laugh at farts—that's how we're wired. And we're not talking about being totally gross and inappropriate. We vow to teach them that there is a time and a place for behavior like this—and that the early service at Church is not one of them.
Amendment VI
We have the right to teach our children how to defend themselves.
Fighting is barbaric, terrible, and scary. But it's also part of growing up. We want our kids to be able to get out of a bad situation, not be bullied, and be able to take care of themselves. One of the plus sides of learning how to take care of yourself is that the more you know, the less you have to use it. Teaching our offspring how to defend themselves in a scary world is one of the basic duties of a father.
Amendment VII
We have the right to as much reading material in the bathroom as we need.
Sometimes we're in there a while, we can't help it. And no, we're not hiding … most of the time.
Amendment VIII
We have the right to watch the big game.
We care too much about our teams. We know it's not rational, but it's who we are. No one can explain the love men have for their teams, but you may as well embrace it because that love will not die. If you don't believe this, just remember the Boston Red Sox had the most loyal fans in sports and didn't win a World Series for 86 years.
Amendment IX
We have the right to the remote when we're on the couch.
This is something that's in our DNA. We know it, and you know it. If there's any doubt, watch us surf at top speed while knowing if a show is worth watching after stopping on it for .2 seconds. It's a thing of beauty.
Amendment X
We have the right to still use chivalry.
Yes … we know women are strong and independent, and we dig that. But allow us to open the door for you, or give up a seat and act like a gentleman once in a while. The world will be a better place because of it.
-
SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop
laughing
-
LOL.. I so needed that this morning!!
-
you're welcome Bratty *S*...always good to have something to cheer you up...don't know what all's been going on, but by seeing the bunch of friends you have, it looks as if you'll be ok
-
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
>
> 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
>
> On the morning of her Birthday, he arose
>
>
>
> early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
>
>
>
>
> He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
> the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
>
>
>
> Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
>
> He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
>
> Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy , M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
> collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'
>
> Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb as!'
>
> The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
-
Now that's a good'n Meg *L* I had to share that through email with my buds.
-
Glad you liked it Kellie..I got it through an email myself...and thought I would share it ....*S*...
-
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'
'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'
-
good one kellie
-
;)...glad ya liked it *L*
-
Has to agree with Easy..Was a good one Kellie *S*
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(http://lc.fdots.com/cc/lc/bb/bbfe002a6fda4804da9939d1a83ac70a.jpg)
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i remember as a teenager meeting a friend's exchange student from Japan and giggling as we exchanged addresses and read them outloud, his words sounding so 'funny' to me but also standing there as mine sounded so 'funny' to him...~silences and steps away seeming to be too serious to be tickled right now~
-
I bet that was fun kiah...*S*
-
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his
eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such
innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went
over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed
she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took
her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that
Brokeback Mountain sh** in our garden."
-
It's Hell to get Old
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.'
-
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience Seeing God, she asked,'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?'
God replied, 'Giiirrrlllllllll, I didn't even recognize you.'
-
a little chuckle...
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
'I I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.'
' And what can I get for you, Mr. President?'
George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark
wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?'
'Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims, 'How rude!
You're starting to act like President Clinton,' and the waitress storms away.
Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers... It's pronounced 'quiche'.
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http://jj.am/gallery/v/GIFs/Reporter_sled_flipped.gif.html (http://jj.am/gallery/v/GIFs/Reporter_sled_flipped.gif.html)
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A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said,"
What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"
So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."
The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"
The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes later another highway patrolman arrives.
He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said," Yes officer I have it right here."
It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"
The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.
The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."
The man looks the officer in the eyes and says,
"Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too!
-
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?' The driver said, no problem. Have at it.' Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?' The young trooper said, I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 P.M. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the T.V. The 10:00 P.M. news was coming on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 P.M. news and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
-
*s* good one Meg... I liked this one :
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
-
NEW SUNBURN TREATMENT:
This sounds like a good procedure to relieve the pain.
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs. '
-
lol
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth,
and I think I just wet my pants."
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(http://www.coolfreeimages.net/images/beautiful/beautiful_01.jpg)
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I musta not been there the day you took that photo Peter..
Bran Muffins
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
-
Maria wanted a pay increase
The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now
Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'
SHE GOT THE RAISE!
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(http://static.pyzam.com/img/funnypics/2/pyzamhatessandcastles.jpg)
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A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and
sticks it into the cart.
'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies...'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!'
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(http://www.ineedcoffee.com/06/zap23/images/0146-hot-bottom.jpg)
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My grandparents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.
Obituary
Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Author unknown
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Amen.........so true
-
Spring of 1957
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.
When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist!"
-
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED..
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap,That must be my husband!'
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband.!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that folks............is how the fight started.
-
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
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(http://www.fitsnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/barack-michelle-new-yorker.jpg)
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The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home
he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
“How much for one of those Barbie 's in the display window?”
The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir?”
“We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach
Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie
for $265.95.”
The amazed father asks: “It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?”
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
“Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken 's Car, Ken 's House, Ken 's Boat,
Ken's Furniture, Ken 's Computer, one of Ken 's Friends, and a key chain made
with Ken 's balls.”
-
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.'
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.'
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out!
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'
After a pause, the doctor confesses, 'Not with a carnation.'
-
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive - so, I took her to a gas station.
and then the fight started....
***************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
***************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
***************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
-
Good ones Kels *laughs* But you better not get any ideas with a carnation! But I will remember that one *winks*
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~looks at You with an evil grin, quickly turning to an innocent smile~ Now would I do something like that? Not me. ~winks and continues to smile so sweetly~
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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE...
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
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The Banana Test
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe
and a Squirrel , who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So, think carefully and try and answer within 30 seconds.
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax!
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The Harley-Davidson Facts
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out wit h God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur,
'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
-
How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your rubbish bin On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone is Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheques, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. (and what a freaken lovely sight that would be ~ NOT )
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Have Your colleagues address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
16. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'
17. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The car park, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'
18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
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An elderly man in Alabama had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road,
and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd
planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting
and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women
had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're naked and we're not coming out
until you leave!' The old man frowned and yelled back, 'I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the
pond.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'
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A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and
talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water
allocation.
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over
there.'
The Water Representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me.
See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any
agricultural land.
No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running
for his life and close behind
is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep
is
clearly terrified, so the old rancher
immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top
of his lungs.....
'Your card! Show him your card!'
-
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats
but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door
and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, the lawyers buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a
ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one
perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three engineers cram into a
restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The
train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
"Ticket, please."
-
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they
grew apprehensive. Each had an embarrassing problem they had
never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father
for advice.
"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my
marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you know, I have
extremely smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be
revolted by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as
often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem
up her mom.
"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is
truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the
morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so disgustingly
bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the
same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight
out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The
key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a
word," her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his
perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed
quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that
one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he
frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride
and without thinking, she immediately turns to face him and asks,
"What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've eaten one of my socks!"
-
Beer, Fishing, Sex and Golf
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a
man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, sex and golf."
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(http://www.keithwhite.us/abeer.jpg)
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Grandma's letter.
She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
' For the love of God! '
' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my windo w and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I h eard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religi! ous exp erience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
-
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' She proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said,
'Well, let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' She proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said,
'Well, let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'
-
Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good
and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what
gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for
the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they
start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on,
it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess
all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest
trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two
teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship.
You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins
a bag of gold."
"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out
a bag of gold every trip!"
"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port,
take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to
make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's
advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set
off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and
began filling barrel after barrel.
When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for
a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before
long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'
This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship
happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank,
the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As
they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the
meaning of this?!"
"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Do you remember all those
barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed
through town?"
"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"
"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and
now all the nuns are pregnant!"
-
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
-
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada . He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.
-
ahhh..Peter and Meg. Such good ones. Keep this going
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(http://www.keithwhite.us/tftd.jpg)
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The moral of this story no doubt is to stay young and single!!
A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.Men use them to have safe sex.'
'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in healthclass at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for the high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.'
'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy. 'Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March...
-
LATE-ARRIVING WORKER
Tom retired in his early 50's and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5,10, sometimes 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker and really sharp, so his boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk.
'Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic; you do a bang-up job. But your being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as to your fellow workers.'
'Yes, sir,' Tom replied, 'I know. I'm truly sorry, and I am working on it.'
'That's what I like to hear,' his boss said. 'However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me, because I understand that you retired from the United States Air Force, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn't that correct?'
'Yes, sir, I did retire from the Air Force, and I'm mighty proud of it,' said Tom.
'Well, what did they say when you came in late?' asked his boss.
'They said, Good morning, General.'
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(http://static.pyzam.com/img/thumbs/g_340/funnypics/c/Image7.jpg)
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Got this in the e-mail ( yes even I get ocasional e-mail, well spam and forwards)
BUTT DUST
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in
it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!>
*JACK *(age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'
*MELANIE* (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
six.'
*STEVEN* (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
*BRITTANY** *(age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried
in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's
me?'
*SUSAN* (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
*DJ *(age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'
*MARC *(age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
*CLINTON* (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'
*JAMES* (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What
happened to the flea?'
*TAMMY* (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
*The Sermon* I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular
Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended
toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you,
we are but dust...'
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice:
'Mom, what is butt dust?'
-
Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!< SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma">
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the f ifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. < BR>
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(http://portal.mypittpanthers.com/images/comic/e13e7610-9621-4ed0-a35e-05e084df31c8.gif?v=1.3.7.0)
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This will make you laugh.
Ya have to watch the whole thing to enjoy it. There is two parts to it, watch it all, its amazing to say the least
Subject: Japanese Illusionist
> This guy is good, if we could only understand Japanese.
>
> http://images2.jokaroo.net/videos/grandpajapan.wmv
>
>
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(http://browse.postcards.org/postcards/pix/0272/027205x.gif)
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Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio: All I have to say is "Go Bucks!" You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if: You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange! You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means"south." You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine,Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati. "Vacation! " means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall. You measure distance in minutes Your school classes were canceled because of cold. Your school classes were canceled because of heat. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example: "Where's my coat at?" You install security lights on your house and garage and leaveboth unlocked You think of the major four food grou ps as corn, pork, beer,and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. You carry jumper cables in your car. You know what 'pop' is. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. (Amen!) You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports. If you actually get these jokes -- then forward 'em to your OHIO friends!
-
lol, guilty as charged
-
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
-
There was a businessman and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."
The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well, man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!"
The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"
The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."
The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.
One night years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up."
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!"
The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't had a pea in 6 years."
The barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."
-
A Hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license; the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Georgia. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?'
The hillbilly reached in to his walle t and produced a Tennessee hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt,and said 'This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's From Miss issippi. You got a Mississippi license?'
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said,
'This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina .. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?'
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hill bi lly, 'Boy, just where the hell are you ;from?'
The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, 'You tell me. You're the expert.'
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Guts vs. Balls
« Thread Started on Jul 7, 2008, 6:45pm »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guts vs. Balls
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or
balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep
you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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*laughing*...That's a good one....
-
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he
said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter
Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with
money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to
the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself
in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy,
quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on,
Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pG-XTwqvO9M (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pG-XTwqvO9M)
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"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most
difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is
hard. Well, you know how she is."
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that
she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and
you begged me not to marry her."
"You were perfectly right."
"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from
the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
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LOL...that was cute :)
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(http://g.mycommentspace.com/msgfx/81/th/8177.gif)
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(http://c2.mobimgs.com/media/picture/gif/0000000c/thumbnail/size_125x90/110405.gif_125x90.gif)
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(http://www.geocities.com/wildguy2002w/pic.jpg)
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Blind Cowboy
An old, blind cowboy wanders into
an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and
orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he
yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?'
The bar immediately falls
absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman
next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke,
Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,
that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl
with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde
girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall,
175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to
me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is
blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously,
Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second,
shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have
to explain it five times.'
-
Potato
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally smashed and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots .
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say 'Frito Lay' .
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just........
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
OK! Here it is!
A COMMONTATER
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Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
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9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) 'Fine': This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) 'Five Minutes': If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Fi ve minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) 'Nothing': This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) 'Go Ahead': This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!;
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) 'That's Okay': This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) 'Thanks': A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) 'Whatever': Is a women's way of saying 'F___ YOU!'
(9) 'Don't worry about it, I got it': Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
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Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls
Those of you who have/had animals will probably appreciate it more. It is a story that is hilarious in itself and the person that wrote it is a good writer and made the story even better. Enjoy...
We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.
Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.
Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.
Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.
I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.
I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.
I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours. Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the oven.
It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.
I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.
God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.
We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.
He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.
His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk.
He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.
Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.
My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.
Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.
Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.
Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, 'what goes in must come out' and Jasper was no exception.
Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.
This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.
We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.
Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.
I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.
It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.'
And how was your day?
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There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day
they notice a sapling half-way between them. One tree proclaims, "That
is a son of beech!" "No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other.
"A son of a BEECH!" "A son of a BIRCH!" "Son of a beech!" "Son of a
birch!" The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he
can tell what kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he
tastes the beech and the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now,
is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech. "You're
both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash I've had my
pecker in for a long time."
-
The Female experience
This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to
deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men
what takes us so long.
My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl,
she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and
wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper
to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on
a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which
consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position
without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the
toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my leg. And
we'd go home.
That was a long time ago. I've had lots of experience with public
toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly fond of public
toilets, especially those with powerful, red-eye sensors. Those
toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic
toilets. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following
my mother's advice and assuming The Stance. The Stance is
excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is
especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a
full-length feature film.
During the movie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance.
You know what I mean. You drink a two liter cup of Diet Coke,
then sit still through a three-hour saga because, for God's sake,
even if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom, you'd
still miss the pivotal part of the movie or the second scene, in
which they flash the leading man's naked derriere.
So, you cross your legs and you hold it. And you hold it until
that first credit rolls and you sprint to the bathroom, about
ready to explode all over your internal organs. And at the
bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a
half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there.
So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also
crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get
closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is
occupied. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those
stall doors, like blowing her nose or checking the contents of
her wallet.
Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down
the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't
latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your handbag on the door hook,
yank down your pants and assume The Stance.
Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love
to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat
or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs
experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter
scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper.
Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper
dispenser is empty.
Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped
your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn. It would have to
do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still
smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't
work and your pocketbook whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you
scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your buttered
popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto
the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare
bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the
bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that
there was any, even if you had enough time to. Your mother would
be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom
never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't
know what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is
so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to
a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such
force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of
being dragged to China.
At that point, you give up. You're finished peeing. You're soaked
by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a
Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out
inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate
the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with
spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still
waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point.
One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are
trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long! as the
Mississippi River. You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in
the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here You might need this."
At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and
exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while
waiting for you.
"What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick
him sharply in the shin and go home
_________________________________________________
Party Games
http://www.partygam ecentral. com/
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
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(http://m.pimpmyspace.org/07/4/10/99585u.gif)
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He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. .....Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. .They don't have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.
He said to me . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go t o bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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(http://i483.photobucket.com/albums/rr196/kylee07/icons/WhyTrickorTreatingisBetterThanSex.jpg)
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(http://i.spotted.augusta.com/user/1/gallery/624121.jpg)
(http://i.spotted.augusta.com/user/1/gallery/559978.jpg)
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(http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/images/2008/11/09/n1325676465_295056_4630.jpg)
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When to start Cussing....
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know
what?' says the 6 year old.
'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head
in approval.
The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna
say something with hell
and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants
for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair,tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying
his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every
step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I
let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, ! young man?
'I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your a** it won't be
Cheerios!'
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*laughs*...Good one Shirl....
-
Deep in the back woods of Newton County , Georgia ,
a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the
night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this
high so I can see what I am doing!'
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa
there,' said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put
that lantern down. I think there's another one coming.'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby
girl. 'Hold that lantern up; don't set it down. There's
another one!' said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern. It seems
there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and
asked the doctor, . .
'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin'
'em?'
Only in Ga...lol
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(http://img.fannation.com/upload/user_image/image/189/135/full/TWO.jpg)
*W* @ Meg
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*Looks at Peter and Laughs*..
-
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
-
have to wonder if this is the same wife? *L*
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
-
Bush's resignation speech.
BUSH'S RESIGNATION SPEECH
The following 'speech' was written recently by an ordinary Maine-iac [a resident of the People's Republic of Maine ]. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. This is an excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living.
The speech George W. Bush might give:
Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.' Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media.
Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil' thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq 's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied...People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.
Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named Clinton established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
Now some of you morons want to be led by a junior senator with no understanding of foreign policy or economics, and this nitwit says we should attack Pakistan , a nuclear ally. And then he wants to go to Iran and make peace with a terrorist who says he's going to destroy us.While he's doing that, he wants to give Iraq to al Qaeda, Afghanistan to the Taliban, Israel to the Palestinians, and your money to the IRS so the government can give welfare to illegal aliens, whom he will make into citizens so they can vote to re-elect him. He also thinks it's okay for Iran to have nuclear weapons, and we should stop our foreign aid to Israel . If you believe this is right I've got a question for you: Did you sleep through high school?
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight... I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'
Instead, you've grown impatient.. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times, USA Today, or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watchAmerican Idol or Dancing with the Stars.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and have been warned over and over again that a hurricane is approaching.
I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream of one; his is an energy guzzler!) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America .
Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off.
PS - You might want to start learning Farsi, and buy a Koran.
IN GOD WE TRUST
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Good one! Lawyer The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. 'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie', the man replied. 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam. 'No, I must see Valerie', he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night, the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' The man replied, ' Ontario .' 'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .' 'I know,' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.' The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain. 1. Death2. Taxes3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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UNEXPECTED SURGERY
A young boy of four was going into the hospital to have his tonsils removed.
He told his playmate, "I'll be gone for awhile. I have to have surgery."
On the day he was admitted, his mother asked, "Doctor, my son has not been circumcised, would you please do that while he is asleep?"
The doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore "down there" for several days.
After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked his friend to tell him about the surgery.
The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is that your tonsils ain't where you think they are."
-
When to start Cussin.... (cracked me up!)
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.' The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass..' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.' WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'
PASS IT ON IF YOU LAUGHED!!!!!
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Enjoy this! During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
Director how do you determine whether or not a patient
should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a
bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a
bucket to
The patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A
normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger
than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person
would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT
TO MINE ?
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One Question IQ Test Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you shouldspend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses". If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I've got mine shutting down right now.
(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer)
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Click here: YouTube - Wild Women of Whippoorwill
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Here it is again. Hilarious, wild women of Whippoorwill
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pt9lErsLafw
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day Amen!"
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and
Snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M ..
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected
To make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!"
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night"
This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!
If you agree, send it to all your friends who would enjoy this.
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A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And that my friends began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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After you read this, close your eyes and try to imagine this. Too funny
A young woman went to and evening class to improve her sexual capabilities. When she gets there, she sees an apple, an orange and a pear hanging on strings from the ceiling, and a piece of chalk and a
black-board. "What is all this for?" she asked.
The instructor tells her to stand between the hanging fruit, and she does. "Now," said the instructor, "swing your hips to the left and touch the apple, now swing your hips to the right and touch the pear, then swing your hips forward and touch the orange." The young woman starts to rotate her hips, and soon gets a good rhythm going. "This is great," she said enthusiastically, "but what is the chalk for?"
"When you've got the hang of the fruit," said the instructor, "I want you to stick the chalk up your ass and write 'Mississippi' on the
black-board twenty times."
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http://www.jibjab.com/originals/farting_elves_12_days_of_christmas (http://www.jibjab.com/originals/farting_elves_12_days_of_christmas)
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(http://g.mycommentspace.com/msgfx/81/th/8177.gif)
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(http://dingo.care2.com/cards/cats/coffeefrend.gif)
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(http://www.witchyswikkedgraphix.com/categories/Humor/humor%20(34).jpg)
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*laughing*
Cute one Peter..LOL
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grins...it was huh Megs
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DUI Test
A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles
south of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver
why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and
was on his way to Ft. Wayne, IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He
Didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked
if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give
him a ticket.He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and
didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he
could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got
5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the
Performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door
and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car,
opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause
there ain't no way I can pass that test."
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A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a Business Trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
(Are women good or what?)
-
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older
he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. After being
referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a
doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that
it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which
causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.
The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but
decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital following the surgery, he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. Just the same, as he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I
need: A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,
"I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .Size 44
tall."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job," the salesman replied. Joe tried on the suit. It
fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked,
"How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . 34 sleeve and .
. .16-and-a-half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . .9-and-a-
half . . .wide.
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see . . .7 and
5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when
the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see
. . .Size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "No. You can't wear a size 34. "It
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and
give you one hell of a headache."
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
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Well.....isn't THAT precious
Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman
married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from
the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built
a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't
that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from the South commented,
"Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my
husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Southern
lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for
you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?".
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who
gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?
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Luck of the Irish
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You've done very well so far,'
'But for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left -
phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......
will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
A: Sparrow - B: Thrush - C: Magpie - D: Cuckoo
I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline
and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '.
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances
and repeated the question to him.
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin sure.'
Mick hung up the phone and told the MC,
'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed,
'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night, back in Dublin , Mick invited Paddy to their local pub
to buy him a drink.
'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?
Paddy replied : 'Simple . .
because a Cuckoo lives in a Fookin clock!
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A Touching Home Depot Story
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new
hinge, so he sent
his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a
beautiful bathroom
faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish
waiting on
a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked.. 'How much for that
faucet?' Walt
replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' My goodness that sure
is a lot
Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that
Charlie had
sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for
that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
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Your gonna laugh at this one.
THE
VIBRATOR
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.
Shocked,
she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'
The daughter
replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the
same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the
daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from
a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the
couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzinglike crazy.
The wife asked: 'What are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with
my son-in-law.'
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SEX AFTER DEATH ....
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact,
"Marion...Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be
proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then
pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back
to golf course again..Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch
some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona
-
A message from one president to his successor
After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send
a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message.
They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable
to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the oval office.
They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not
one was able to come up with an answer.
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude ............ You're holding it upside down!'
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(http://static.pyzam.com/img/funnypics/b/pyzamfundies.jpg)
lol..
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(http://static.pyzam.com/img/thumbs/g_340/graphics/3/BCrelax0326.gif)
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(http://www.geocities.com/wildguy2002w/pic.jpg)
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At least you know who is boss ER *W*
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*laughing*
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(http://static.pyzam.com/img/funnypics/misc/fun103.jpg)
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“Mean Mom”
Someday when my children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates a parent,
I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me:
I loved you enough to ask where you were going,
with whom, and what time you would be home.
I loved you enough to be silent and let you
discover that your new best friend was a creep.
I loved you enough to stand over you for
two hours while you cleaned your room,
a job that should have taken 15 minutes.
I loved you enough to let you see anger,
disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children
must learn that their parents aren't perfect..
I loved you enough to let you assume the
responsibility for your actions even when the
penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart..
But most of all, I loved you enough to say
NO when I knew you would hate me for it.
Those were the most difficult battles of all..
I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.
Was your Mom mean?
I know mine was.
We had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy for breakfast,
we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.
When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch,
we had to eat sandwiches.
And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.
Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times.
You'd think we were convicts in a prison.
She had to know who our friends were
and what we were doing with them.
She insisted that if we said we
would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.
We were ashamed to admit it,
but she had the nerve to break
the Child Labor Laws by making us work.
We had to wash the dishes, make the beds,
learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry,
empty the trash and all sorts of cruel
jobs.
I think she would lie awake at night
thinking of more things for us to do.
She always insisted on us telling the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers,
she could read our minds
and had eyes in the back of her head.
Then, life was really tough!
Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk
the horn when they drove up
They had to come up to the door
so she could meet them.
While everyone else could date
when they were 12 or 13,
we had to wait until we were 16.
Because of our mother we missed out
on lots of things other kids experienced.
None of us have ever
been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's
property or ever arrested for any crime.
It was all her fault.
Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults.
We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was.
I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
It just doesn't have enough mean moms!
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That was a good read!!..*S*....
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(http://static.pyzam.com/img/thumbs/g_240/funnypics/stupid/babydisposalfun.jpg)
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This was wonderful !!!!!
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Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Thelma arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Bubba had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, Thelma told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Bubba even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away.. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that........ Bubba was too tired.'
God is good
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*LOL*