Author Topic: a little laugh :-)  (Read 163651 times)

Offline familure{TD}

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a little laugh :-)
« on: June 01, 2005, 09:22:57 PM »
((started by Mistress Savi~s~))

You know you are addicted to the Internet, when...



You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.

You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your kid in the overhead compartment.

Your dreams are in HTML.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.

You turn your computer off and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address printed on the TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of the room and realize that your roomates have moved and you don't have any idea when it happened.

You turn up the volume read loud when leaving the room so you can hear if anyone IM's you.

You wife drapes a blond wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

Looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice that you've been to all of them.

Your dog has its own webpage.

You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17" LCD Flat-Panel Monitor.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You code your homework in HTML and give your intsructor the URL.

You don't know what sex your three of your closest friends are, because they have nuetral screennames and you never bothered to ask.

You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger

You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest MP3's off Kazaa Lite.

You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back.

Your virtual girlfriend finds a new sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.

You buy a Captain Kirk Chair with a built in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer can not come to bed"

The last hottie you picked up was only a jpg.

You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while you're pretending to catch your breath.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

You forget what year it is.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You ask a doctor to implant a terrabyte in your brain.

Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other anytime.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

You start using smileys in your snail mail

You bring a bag lunch to the computer.

You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.

You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

You type faster than you think.

You double click your TV remote.

You can now type over 70 WPM.

You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail.

You go into withdrawals during dinner.

You rank your friends by the amount of bandwith they have.

You have "Googled" all your friends to try to find out anything interesting that they are not telling you and you can use against them later.

You message someone via IM when they are less than 20 feet away.

The sound of the keys clicking turns you on.

You have more browsers than friends in the real world.

You actually say I-M-O and A-T-M to real friends rather than 'in my opinion' and 'at the moment'. And they give you strange looks.

You run four chat programs all at once... Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, AIM and MSN

You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

The letters have come off your keyboard from excessive use.

You order pizza online - because you can't be bothered to call.

You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.

You're on the phone and say BRB.

The last movie you've seen was on your Quicktime player.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to the internet.

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2005, 09:23:51 PM »
((origanlly posted by Mistress Savi))

When I was a child in the 1960s the bathing suit for the mature figure was
boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were
built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch
fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a
potato chip. The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can
wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a
sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber
bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice
and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by
NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus
which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself
into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe
at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way
into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I
gasped in horror my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob
cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I
located it flattened beside my seventh rib.. The problem is that modern
bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs
spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and
lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit
fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to
stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and
sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As
I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you
are!", she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure
and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that
made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave
the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring. I struggled into a
pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like
Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a
black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried
on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax
my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fit . . ... a
two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It
was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous
search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label
which read -- "Material might become transparent in water." So, if you
happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm
there too ... I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt!
  ;)

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2005, 09:24:36 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"

After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2005, 09:26:20 PM »
((originally posted by tigress{CJH}))

(Can't even remember where I found this, but I love it! *G)

RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE & & &
>
> We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
>
> # 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
>
> # 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
>
> # 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
>
> # 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
>
> # 1. Crying is blackmail.
>
> # 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!
>
> # 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
>
> # 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
>
> # 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Please pick one.
>
> # 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
> # 1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a
doctor.
>
> # 1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you
hear it.
>
> # 1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
> # 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
act like soap opera guys.
>
> # 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer, but still love you.
>
> # 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
> # 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
>
> # 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
>
> # 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what Mauve is.
>
> # 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
>
> # 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
>
> #1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
>
> # 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
>
> # 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really, you look fine!!!
>
> # 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
>
> # 1. NASCAR is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
>
> # 1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape
>
> # 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like campin'
 
 
 

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2005, 09:27:12 PM »
((originally posted by Master Larn))

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge

Against the complete tw@t who made you sad

When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I'll know you finally got a sh@g.

When you are scared, I will tease you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you to shut up and tell you how much worse it could be.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to you, divvy!

When you are sick, stay the hell away from me until you're well again.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at you!

This is my oath, I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend!

P.S. A friend will help you move house. A true friend will help you move a body!!

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2005, 09:28:03 PM »
((originally posted by wyldechylde{MTC}))

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.


So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.


After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."


"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."


She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!


My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.


Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!


"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.


"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.


It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.


Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.


If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"


This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2005, 09:29:06 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in
St.Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge
Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of
these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well.The photographer asked them to sit on the
sofa, and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAID, WE
GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other. "Now get a little closer
together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE
TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on
for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet
again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" ... "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin
the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2005, 09:30:02 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

my all time favorite:
 ;D



One Man sits in the airplane next to another, they immediately note that
each of them has a black eye. The first asks the second "Oh mind if I ask
how you got that black eye?" The second replies "Well, actually it was a
tongue twister accident. At the counter I saw that gorgeous blonde with
those fantastic tits and instead if saying "A ticket to Pitsburgh please" I
accidentally said "A ticket to Titsburgh please" - and she shooked Me a good
one." - "Oh!" replies the other Man, "what a coincidence! Mine was actually
a tongue twister accident, too. This morning during the breakfast I wanted
to say to my wife "Honey, would you please pour me another bowl of
Frosties?" but accidentally  I said "You ruined my life you evil fat slag".

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2005, 09:31:13 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))

If you have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say cool whip on the side... You might be a redneck...

If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner...You might be a redneck...

If your wife says she's game and you shoot her... You might be a redneck...

If your pantylines can be seen from aerial photographs... You might be a redneck...

If you've ever been accused of lying through your tooth... You might be a redneck...

If you dog passes gas, and you claim it... You might be a redneck...

If you've ever used your ironing boards as a buffet table... You might be a redneck...

If you've ever taken a six pack of beer to a funeral... You might be a redneck...

If your wife has ever said move this transmission, so I can take a bath... You might be a redneck...

If your neighbors think you are a detective because a cop always brings you home... You might be a redneck...

If you think a quarter horse, is that ride infront of KMart... You might be a redneck...

If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty... You might be a redneck...

If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour... You might be a redneck...

If you ever sat on the toilet until you legs fell asleep... You might be a redneck...

If your daughter's barbie dream house, has a clothes line in the front yard... You might be a redneck...

If an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger, changed your life... You might be a redneck...

If someone tells you that you have something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is... You might be a redneck...

If you wear a dress that's strapless and a bra that isn't... You might be a redneck...

If you've ever stared at a glass of orange juice, because it said concentrate... You might be a redneck...

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2005, 09:33:38 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a
brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the
only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for
the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a
brain cost?" The doctor responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to
smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man
unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to
ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish
innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing
procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because
they've actually been used."
 ;D :P ;)

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2005, 09:34:43 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM . "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about PATIENCE. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. " Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me ESP . "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS. " Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

 ;D ;D ;D

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #11 on: June 01, 2005, 09:35:24 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

Handy dictionary to decipher Personals Ads ...
-----------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish...................... 49
Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends
Athletic.................... No tits
Average looking............. Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated.................... Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated
Feminist.................... Fat ball buster
Free spirit................. Junkie
Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun......................... Annoying
Gentle...................... Comatose
Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic
New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............... Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded................. Desperate
Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk
Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional................ Certified Bitch
Redhead..................... Bad dye-job
Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat
Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light
Social...................... Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous.................. Very Fat
Weight proportion w/height.. Hugely Fat-as tall as you are wide
Wants Soul mate............. Stalker
Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart.............. Old bat



MEN'S ADS

40-ish...................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic.................... Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking............. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated.................... Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit................. Banging your sister
Friendship first............ As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun......................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking................ Arrogant
Very good looking........... Dumb as a board
Honest...................... Pathological Liar
Huggable.................... Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle............. Insecure mama's boy
Mature...................... Older than your father
Open-minded................. Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit.............. Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet........................ Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive................... Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive.............. Gay
Spiritual................... Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable...................... Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful.................. Says "Excuse me" when he farts

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #12 on: June 01, 2005, 09:36:04 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

There was chill in the air.

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below your waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #13 on: June 01, 2005, 09:36:40 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

Dogs Diary:


8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 pm - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVORITE!

6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!

6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!



******************************


Cats Diary:


My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild Satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, I must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, It is only a matter of time...

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #14 on: June 01, 2005, 09:38:13 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

You know the "online sob-stories"?
Here is another one...


My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying.The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves.The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag.Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too.Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.Please help me! Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10! If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless person who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell.What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its poop in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.Thank You,

Billy "Smiles" Evans
 
 
 
 ;D ;D

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine