life at Kar's house

[Karanis]

is hectic.....

I've got 5 baseball games a week to go to, monday, tuesday wednesday and 2 on saturdays...

40 hours of work.....

garage and house in the process.....

mum was up for the weekend and going back tomorrow...

trying to organize this summer's activities for the boys ie camp...one is going to a week of football camp, and two weeks of ymca camp, another one is pretty much working on yards and on the site with Jamie, and the other one is going to day camp........all of them need different things for their summer activities......

music lessons.....

set of counseling appts for oldest..

set of counseling appts for youngest....

set of counseling appts for me.....

dr's appts for J....

*takes a breath*

jeep time

family time

friend time

oh yeah, I have to eat

oh yeah, I have to shower

*takes another breath*

deal with a jackass of an ex husband

speaking of which........the counseling and ex husband thing.........I've been going to private counseling for years......its just something I need to do.....however......a very important  real factor to why I havent been around beyond the boards.....besides the schedule.....

my counselor and I have unburied some..........well.....some deep deep I cant even describe how deep anger issues towards 2 people in my life.....one most of you know cause its my ex husband, but the other no one here knows, well, they might.....I dont remember who I might have mentioned it to......but it happened a long time ago.......and I buried it.....well......most of it.....

too make an exceedingly long story short, there are some deep seeded issues including more than harsh anger, we're talking actual hatred......just layered and layered and layered under blankets of denial, anxiety and procrastination.

that are now being surfaced.....or.....dug up,.....or.....unlayered.....examined.....what have you.........and I'm well...........angry most of the time......angry that I keep thinking about it when I dont need to, angry that the issues are resurfacing, angry that I didnt have a good way to deal with the anger at the time, not having "politcally correct" and "healthy outs" for my anger, and anger that I just cant move beyond some of .....well, most of......the hatred I have for these two people.....

I understand its a damn process.......but I have ZERO tolerance for "processes" and "take your time" and I was definitely not gifted with the virtue of patience...

so well......I just dont want any more people affected by this garbage than necessary, its hard enough maintaining positive focused energy for my immediate family, after that, there really isnt too much left, except maybe for the people at work, and the patients I help at work....

I would probably flatten and pulverize lame ass idiots in camp right now.....either that, or I might cry......and Odin knows I despise weakness, especially in myself.....

so I still plan on being in camp, but the timing has to be right.....

just know that I AM doing the things I need to do to correct this, but I will tell you that Gretchen pissed is far far far more dangerous than Kar being pissed........Gretchen is smarter than Kar.......and more devious........and more calculating......and generally simply mmore dangerous......and this is something I need to maintain control of.........and let GO of.

just remember you all are always in my thoughts

Gretchen/Kar

[RAGNAR]

Do what you need to do my Woman.

And while at it..... fuck that politically correct bullshit. Just tell it like it is and move on. It feels so much better to just have at than hold back or search for ways to not offend when angry.

For me... when I am angry... I intend to be extremely offensive.

It just feels right. But then... I do imagine that huge smile on my face as I stomp a mudhole in someone's ass might be a bit of a giveaway.

If they can't handle it... tough shit... sucks to be them. But you have gotten it out of your system and they learn they should never have pissed you off in the first place.

I don't have anger management issues. I manage to release my anger just fine while making issue with idiots.

 

[ariella {*Arlon*}]

You have been a lot of fun the few times i have see You Mistress!

[Karanis]

oh Rags, you're such a damn riot and always know EXACTLY what to say at exactly the right time.....

and actually, I HAVE started expressing my anger instead of bottling it........and its great, and its a method that works......actually the last session with wee one's counselor, jackass was present, wee one was in the other room, and I actually broke down and told jackass to his face that I absolutely hated him, always did, was never his friend, and the only reason I listened for hours upon hours of his crap through the "other" relationships is because the more I knew about him, the more I knew what was going on with the wee one when he wasnt with me......and I said quote un quote, the last damn thing I wanted to do was listen to you whine and whimper and display the fact you had no spine and you're a gutless wormy slug, I was never friends with you, I actually do in fact know the definition of hatred, I hate you, and all's I wanted to do all those times I talked to you was strangle you, sorry if you thought it was a genuine friendship, but I cant stand your backstreet boy ass.

right in front of the counselor........*kinda snorts and chuckles*

the counselor said........okaaaaaaaaaay, moving right along, lets all agree to just talk about the wee one when you talk to each other yes? *laughs*

so that's where we stand, jackass and I only talk if it has something directly to do with the wee one.....

so yes, it was cleansing and cathartic.......

its the years and years, and layers upon layers of buried crap that we're working on now.....and will be for a while......years and years of supression.......

it sucks LOL

but as is true of everything.....

this too shall pass

*hugs and smooches*

[Thalia]

GOOD for you, Kar!  The jackass deserved every word, and then some!  Whatever you're dealing with, I'm glad it's something you are able to express and work through.  As long as you keep yourself as emotionally healthy as possible, there's no stress in your very hectic life that you won't be able to deal with. 

My life isn't anywhere NEAR as crazy as yours, even though it feels like it sometimes.  But there is one thing we have in common, and that's the love of a fine man. Our Jays have our backs - and our hearts! -huggers-

[RAGNAR]

*chuckles*

See how good it feels to just tell it like it is!!!

Everyone knows where they stand... or falls... as the case may be.

*huggers*

 

[familure{TD}]

Mistress...it takes so much strength to reach out for help. it takes courage to follow through with it. You and Your amazing family...are in my thoughts and prayers. and...Youre right...it does pass, and You wind up so much stronger in the end.

love You~