Author Topic: a little laugh :-)  (Read 535325 times)

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #465 on: August 25, 2008, 11:00:24 AM »
more of an...awwwwwwww


To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #466 on: August 25, 2008, 11:24:28 AM »
An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip 
computer 
companies. 

When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants 
had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew 
six 
vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of 
the 
Irishman. 

"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?" 

After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a 
canopy 
of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back 
to 
the interviewer. 

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!" 

"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + 
Tree 
+ Tree make nine!" 

The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to 
make it 99. 

After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the 
trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. 

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety 
nine!" 

"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree 
make ninety nine." 

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the 
Irishman 
once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman 
and 
asked him to make it 100. 

After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly 
grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side 
of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer. 

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!" 
"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader 
Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a 
turd make 100!!!!!"

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #467 on: August 25, 2008, 11:34:39 AM »
etter to God


A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00

When the postal authorities
received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.


The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.


The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.


The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to wri te a thank you note to God, which read:



Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington , DC ., and those assholes deducted
$95.00 in taxes .

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #468 on: August 25, 2008, 11:41:25 AM »
301 little known or not often thought of facts


1.Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley’s Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen.

2. US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen.

3. The “57″ on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had.

4. Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world’s garbage annually. On average, that’s 3 pounds a day per person.

5. Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels.

6. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks so that it doesn’t digest itself.

7. 98% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim.

8. A B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945.

9. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

10. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.

11. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

12. Benjamin Franklin was the fifth in a series of the youngest son of the youngest son.

13. Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of Friday the 13th (which occurs one to three times a year). In Italy, 17 is considered an unlucky number. In Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number.

14. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

15. All the chemicals in a human body combined are worth about 6.25 euro (if sold separately).

16. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.

17. The ZIP in “ZIP code” means Zoning Improvement Plan.

18. Coca-Cola contained Coca (whose active ingredient is cocaine) from 1885 to 1903.

19. A “2 by 4″ is really 1 1/2 by 3 1/2.

20. It’s estimated that at any one time around 0.7% of the world’s population is drunk.

21. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = David ; Clubs = Alexander the Great ; Hearts = Charlemagne ; Diamonds = Caesar

22. 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

23. Every person, including identical twins, has a unique eye and tongue print along with their finger print.

24. The “spot” on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.

25. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 dictionary were misspelled.

26. The “save” icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.

27. Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin both married their first cousins (Elsa Löwenthal and Emma Wedgewood respectively).

28. Camel’s have three eyelids.

29. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day.

30. John Wilkes Booth’s brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln’s son.

31. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.

32. Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system.

33. Daniel Boone hated coonskin caps.

34. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

35. 55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.

36. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

37. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

38. Dr. Seuss pronounced his name “soyce”.

39. Slugs have four noses.

40. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

41. The Three Wise Monkeys have names: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).

42. India has a Bill of Rights for cows.

43. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. (DON’T TRY IT, DUMBASS)

44. During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.

45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by taking out an olive from First Class salads.

46. About 200,000,000 M&Ms are sold each day in the United States.

47. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

48. Over a course of about eleven years, the sun’s magnetic poles switch places. This cycle is called “Solarmax”.

49. There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess.

50. Upper and lower case letters are named “upper” and “lower” because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.

51. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

52. The numbers “172″ can be found on the back of the US 5 dollar bill, in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.

53. Coconuts kill about 150 people each year. That’s more than sharks.

54. Half of all bank robberies take place on a Friday.

55. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before it.

56. The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

57. The first bomb the Allies dropped on Berlin in WWII killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

58. The average raindrop falls at 7 miles per hour.

59. It took Leonardo Da Vinci 10 years to paint Mona Lisa. He never signed or dated the painting. Leonardo and Mona had identical bone structures according to the painting. X-ray images have shown that there are 3 other versions under the original.

60. If you put a drop of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

61. Bruce Lee was so fast that they had to slow the film down so you could see his moves.

62. The largest amount of money you can have without having change for a dollar is $1.19 (3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies cannot be divided into a dollar).

63. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”.

64. IBM’s motto is “Think”. Apple later made their motto “Think different”.

65. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original “Halloween” was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white, due to low budget.

66. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

67. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

68. One in fourteen women in America is a natural blonde. Only one in sixteen men is.

69. The Olympic was the sister ship of the Titanic, and she provided twenty-five years of service.

70. When the Titanic sank, 2228 people were on it. Only 706 survived.

71. In America, someone is diagnosed with AIDS every 10 minutes. In South Africa, someone dies due to HIV or AIDS every 10 minutes.

72. Every day, 7% of the US eats at McDonald’s.

73. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, which Motorola got their name from.

74. In the US, about 127 million adults are overweight or obese; worldwide, 750 million are overweight and 300 million more are obese. In the US, 15% of children in elementary school are overweight; 20% are worldwide.

75. In Disney’s Fantasia, the Sorcerer to whom Mickey played an apprentice was named Yensid (Disney spelled backward).

76. During his entire life, Vincent Van Gogh sold exactly one painting, “Red Vineyard at Arles”.

77. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

78. One in ten people live on an island.

79. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

80. 28% of Africa is classified as wilderness. In North America, its 38%.

81. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

82. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

83. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said “Elementary, my dear Watson”, Humphrey Bogart NEVER said “Play it again, Sam” in Casablanca, and they NEVER said “Beam me up, Scotty” on Star Trek.

84. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.

85. Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokes model.

86. The sound you here when you put a seashell next to your ear is not the ocean, but blood flowing through your head.

87. More people are afraid of open spaces (kenophobia) than of tight spaces (claustrophobia).

88. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

89. There is a 1 in 4 chance that New York will have a white Christmas.

90. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

91. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

92. Back in the mid to late ’80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn’t considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft’s Flight Simulator.

93. $203,000,000 is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S.

94. Every US president has worn glasses (just not always in public).

95. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

96. Jim Henson first coined the word “Muppet”. It is a combination of “marionette” and “puppet.”

97. The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with (not counting the words “North” and “South).

98. The Michelin man is known as Mr. Bib. His name was Bibendum in the company’s first ads in 1896.

99. About 20% of bird species have become extinct in the past 200 years, almost all of them because of human activity.

100. The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

101. About 14% of injecting drug users are HIV positive.

102. A word or sentence that is the same front and back (racecar, kayak) is called a “palindrome”.

103. A snail can sleep for 3 years.

104. People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide.

105. China has more English speakers than the United States.

106. Finnish folklore says that when Santa comes to Finland to deliver gifts, he leaves his sleigh behind and rides on a goat named Ukko instead. According to French tradition, Santa Claus has a brother named Bells Nichols, who visits homes on New Year’s Eve after everyone is asleep, and if a plate is set out for him, he fills it with cookies and cakes.

107. One in every 9000 people is an albino.

108. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

109. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

110. Everyday, more money is printed for Monopoly sets than for the U.S. Treasury.

111. Every year 4 people in the UK die putting their trousers on.

112. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds; dogs only have about ten.

113. Our eyes are always the same size from birth but our nose and ears never stop growing.

114. In every episode of “Seinfeld” there is a Superman picture or reference somewhere.

115. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human’s neck.

116. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

117. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

118. Each year in America there are about 300,000 deaths that can be attributed to obesity.

119. About 55% of all movies are rated R.

120. About 500 movies are made in the US and 800 in India annually.

121. Arabic numerals are not really Arabic; they were created in India.

122. Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations (implemented on July 16, 1969) makes it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles.

123. The February of 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

124. The Pentagon in Arlington Virginia has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

125. There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat, though it may feel uncomfortable.

126. The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

127. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

128. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

129. There are about 2 chickens for every human in the world.

130. The word “maverick” came into use after Samuel Maverick, a Texan refused to brand his cattle. Eventually any unbranded calf became known as a Maverick.

131. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

132. For every memorial statue with a person on a horse, if the horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died of battle wounds; if all four of the horse’s legs are on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

133. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the American flag is flying over the Parliament Building.

134. An American urologist bought Napoleon’s penis for $40,000.

135. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

136. Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters “MT”.

137. $283,200 is the absolute highest amount of money you can win on Jeopardy.

138. Almonds are members of the peach family.

139. Rats and horses can’t vomit.

140. The penguin is the only bird that can’t fly but can swim.

141. There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.

142. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.

143. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

144. There are only four words in the English language that end in “-dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

145. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

146. Every time you lick a stamp you consume 1/10 of a calorie.

147. “101 Dalmatians” and “Peter Pan” are the only Disney animations in which both of a character’s parents are present and don’t die during the movie.

148. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

149. Hedenophobic means fear of pleasure.

150. Ancient Egyptian priests would pluck every hair from their bodies.

151. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #469 on: August 25, 2008, 11:41:42 AM »
152. Half of all crimes are committed by people under the age of 18. 80% of burglaries are committed by people aged 13-21.

153. An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

154. All polar bears are left-handed.

155. The catfish has over 27000 taste buds (more than any other animal)

156. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

157. Butterflies taste with their feet.

158. Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump.

159. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

160. Starfish have no brains.

161. 11% of the world is left-handed.

162. John Hancock and Charles Thomson were the only people to sign the Declaration of independence on July 4th, 1776. The last signature came five years later.

163. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

164. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

165. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.

166. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

167. A healthy (non-colorblind) human eye can distinguish between 500 shades of gray.

168. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

169. Lizards can self-amputate their tails for protection. It grows back after a few months.

170. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”. It can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

171. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

172. A honeybee can fly at fifteen miles per hour.

173. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

174. A “jiffy” is the scientific name for 1/100th of a second.

175. The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.

176. The youngest pope ever was 11 years old.

177. The first novel ever written on a typewriter is Tom Sawyer.

178. One out of every 43 prisoners escapes from jail. 94% are recaptured.

179. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

180. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs melted into it.

Amazon. com Widgets181. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

182. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

183. Elwood Edwards did the voice for the AOL sound files (i.e. “You’ve got Mail!”). He is heard about 27 million times a day. The recordings were done before Quantum changed its name to AOL and the program was known as “Q-Link.”

184. A polar bears skin is black. Its fur is actually clear, but like snow it appears white.

185. Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis middle name was spelled Aron, in honor of his brother.

186. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

187. Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes.

188. Shakespeare invented the words “assassination” and “bump.”

189. There are a million ants for every person on Earth.

190. If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

191. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

192. The name Jeep comes from “GP”, the army abbreviation for General Purpose.

193. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.

194. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

195. Cats’ urine glows under a black light.

196. A “quidnunc” is a person who is eager to know the latest news and gossip.

197. The first US Patent was for manufacturing potassium carbonate (used in glass and gunpowder). It was issued to Samuel Hopkins on July 31, 1970.

198. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors, the helicopter, and many other present day items.

199. In the last 4000 years no new animals have been domesticated.

200. 25% of a human’s bones are in its feet.

201. David Sarnoff received the Titanic’s distress signal and saved hundreds of passengers. He later became the head of the first radio network, the National Broadcasting Company (NBC).

202. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

203. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than every Nike factory worker in Malaysia combined.

204. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the ’30s lobbied against hemp farmers (they saw it as competition).

205. “Canada” is an Indian word meaning “Big Village”.

206. Only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.

207. If you yelled for 8 years 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

208. Rape is reported every six minutes in the U.S.

209. The human heart creates enough pressure in the bloodstream to squirt blood 30 feet.

210. A jellyfish is 95% water.

211. Truck driving is the most dangerous occupation by accidental deaths (799 in 2001).

212. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

213. Elephants only sleep for two hours each day.

214. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

215. The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. (the heart is not a muscle)

216. In golf, a ‘Bo Derek’ is a score of 10.

217. In the U.S, Frisbees outsell footballs, baseballs and basketballs combined.

218. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

219. If you plant an apple seed, it is almost guaranteed to grow a tree of a different type of apple.

220. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

221. The only real person to be a PEZ head was Betsy Ross.

222. There are about 450 types of cheese in the world. 240 come from France.

223. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers plays football at home the stadium becomes Nebraska’s third largest city.

224. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life”.

Find more cheap flights from the best travel site out there.

225. A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

226. In Iceland, a Big Mac costs $5.50.

227. Broccoli and cauliflower are the only vegetables that are flowers.

228. Newborn babies have about 350 bones. They gradually merge and disappear until there are about 206 by age 5.

229. There is no solid proof of who built the Taj Mahal.

230. In a survey of 200000 ostriches over 80 years, not one tried to bury its head in the sand.

231. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A quarter has 119.

232. On an American one-dollar bill there is a tiny owl in the upper-left-hand corner of the upper-right-hand “1″ and a spider hidden in the front upper-right-hand corner.

233. Judy Scheindlin (”Judge Judy”) has a $25,000,000 salary, while Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has a $190,100 salary.

234. The name for Oz in the Wizard of Oz was thought up when the creator Frank Baum looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z.

235. Andorra, a tiny country on the border between France and Spain, has the longest average lifespan: 83.49 years.

236. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

237. Mr. Rogers was an ordained Presbyterian minister.

238. In America you will see an average of 500 advertisements a day.

239. John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

240. You can lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

241. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

242. “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English.

243. There are 336 dimples on a regulation US golf ball. In the UK its 330.

244. The Toltecs (a 7th century tribe) used wooden swords so they wouldn’t kill their enemies.

245. “Duff” is the decaying organic matter found on a forest floor.

246. The US has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined.

247. There have been over 600 lawsuits against Alexander Grahm Bell over rights to the patent of the telephone, the most valuable patent in U.S. history.

248. Kuwait is about 60% male (highest in the world). Latvia is about 54% female (highest in the world).

249. The Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters.

250. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world’s nuclear weapons combined.

251. At the height of its power in 400 BC, the Greek city of Sparta had 25,000 citizens and 500,000 slaves.

252. Julius Caesar’s autograph is worth about $2,000,000.

253. The tool doctors wrap around a patient’s arm to measure blood pressure is called a sphygmomanometer.

254. People say “bless you” when you sneeze because your heart stops for a millisecond.

255. US gold coins used to say “In Gold We Trust”.

256. In “Silence of the Lambs”, Hannibal Lector (Anthony Hopkins) never blinks.

257. A shrimp’s heart is in its head.

258. In the 17th century, the value of pi was known to 35 decimal places. Today, to 1.2411 trillion.

259. The bestselling books of all time are The Bible (6billion+), Quotations from the Works of Mao Tse-tung (900million+), and The Lord of the Rings (100million+)

260. Pearls melt in vinegar.

261. “Lassie” was played by a group of male dogs; the main one was named Pal.

262. In 1863, Paul Hubert of Bordeaux, France, was sentenced to life in jail for murder. After 21 years, it was discovered that he was convicted of murdering himself.

263. Nepal is the only country that doesn’t have a rectangular flag. Switzerland is the only country with a square flag.

264. Gabriel, Michael, and Lucifer are the only angels named in the Bible.

265. Tiger Woods’ real first name is Eldrick. His father gave him the nickname “Tiger” in honor of a South Vietnamese soldier his father had fought alongside with during the Vietnam War.

266. Johnny Appleseed planted apples so that people could use apple cider to make alcohol.

267. Abraham Lincoln’s ghost is said to haunt the White House.

268. God is not mentioned once in the book of Esther.

269. The odds of being born male are about 51.2%, according to census.

270. Scotland has more redheads than any other part of the world.

271. There is an average of 61,000 people airborne over the US at any given moment.

272. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane in case there is a crash.

273. The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad. The most common name (of any type) in the world is Mohammed.

274. The surface of the Earth is about 60% water and 10% ice.

275. For every 230 cars that are made, 1 will be stolen.

276. Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. President to be born in a hospital.

277. Lightning strikes the earth about 8 million times a day.

278. Around 2,000 left-handed people die annually due to improper use of equipment designed only for right handed people.

279. The “if” and “then” parts of conditional (”if P then Q”) statement are called the protasis (P) and apodosis (Q).

280. Humans use a total of 72 different muscles in speech.

281. If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.

282. Only female mosquitoes bite.

283. The U.S. Post Office handles 43 percent of the world’s mail.

284. Most household dust is made of dead skin cells.

285. One in about eight million people has progeria, a disease that causes people to grow faster than they age.

286. The male seahorse carries the eggs until they hatch instead of the female.

287. The “countdown” (counting down from 10 for an event such as New-Years Day) was first used in a 1929 German silent film called “Die Frau Im Monde” (The Girl in the Moon).

288. Negative emotions such as anxiety and depression can weaken your immune system.

289. There are seven suicides in the Bible: Abimelech. Samson, Saul, Saul’s armor-bearer, Ahithophel, Zimri, Judas.

290. A mongoose is not a goose but more like a meercat, which is not a cat but more like a prairie dog, which is not a dog but more like a ground squirrel.

291. Stephen Hawking was born exactly 300 years after Galileo died.

292. Mercury is the only planet whose orbit is coplanar with its equator. Venus and Uranus are the only planets that rotate opposite to the direction of their orbit.

293. John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and James Monroe died on July 4th. Adams and Jefferson died in the same year. Supposedly, Adams last words were “Thomas Jefferson survives.”

294. The Baby Ruth candy bar was named after Grover Cleveland’s baby daughter, Ruth, not Babe Ruth the baseball player.

295. Dolphins can look in different directions with each eye. They can sleep with one eye open.

296. The Falkland Isles (pop. about 2000) has over 700000 sheep (350 per person).

297. There are 41,806 different spoken languages in the world today.

298. While many treaties have been signed at or near Paris, France (including many after WWI and WWII), nine are actually known as the “Treaty of Paris”: Seven Years’ War (1763), American Revolutionary War (1783), French-Swede War (1810), France vs Sixth Coalition (1814), Battle of Waterloo (1815), Crimean War (1856), Spanish-American War (1898), union of Bessarabia and Romania (1920), establishment of European Coal and Steel Community (1951).

299. Robert Todd Lincoln (Abraham Lincoln’s oldest son) was in Washington DC during his father’s assassination as well as during President Garfield’s assassination, and he was in Buffalo NY when President McKinley was assassinated.

300. The city of Venice stands on about 120 small islands.

301. The past-tense of the English word “dare” is “durst”.

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

sinnocent

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #470 on: August 28, 2008, 03:52:46 AM »
A WOMAN'S POEM

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

hehehe

sinnocent

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #471 on: August 28, 2008, 04:03:20 AM »
 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX ?
 (because they are plugged into a genius)
 
 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
 (they don't have enough time)
 
 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
 (they don't > stop to ask directions)
 
 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
 (because their manhood falls over their butt-hole and they
 vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
 
 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
 (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
 
 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
 (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
 
 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
 (don't know.....it never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at
 your blonde jokes!)
 
 And the personal favorite:
 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
 (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
 Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and
 laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

 One for the ladies:
 One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
 Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
 shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
 'It depends,' I replied.. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
 He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
 And they say blondes are dumb...
 
 couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make
 you the happiest woman in the world.'
 The woman replies, 'I'll miss you....'
 
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he
 stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
 neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably
 that I married you for your money,' she replied.
 Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
 A: A rumor
 Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to
 forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I
 pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
 Q: Why do little boys whine?
 A: They are practicing to be men.
 Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
 breath and calling your name?
 A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
 Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
 A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

Offline prism {*RgR*1*}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #472 on: August 30, 2008, 05:30:13 PM »
A must read for Grandparents.  Those who aren't will love it, too.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is?  What a team is?' 
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' 
The little boy nodded yes.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head.  Do you understand all that?' 
The little boy nodded again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?' 
Again, the little boy nodded.
'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.

 


 

~*~~*~
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...

'Oh shit....she's awake!!'

~*~~*~

sinnocent

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #473 on: August 30, 2008, 06:35:34 PM »
The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?
 

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog

chow for my loyal pet, Bisquit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout

line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 What did she think I had, an elephant?  So since I'm retired and have

little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was

starting the Purina Diet again.  I added that I probably shouldn't,

because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50

pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out

of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way

that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and

simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is

nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now

enthralled with my story.)

 Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog

food poisoned me.  I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish

Setter's behind and a  car hit us both.

 
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was

laughing so hard.  Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

 
Better watch what you ask retired people.  They have all the time in

the world to think of crazy things to say.


sinnocent

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #474 on: August 30, 2008, 06:38:50 PM »
Damned right!!!

 

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.

 

 

A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented, that "while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama!!!!

Offline flame{NS}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #475 on: August 30, 2008, 06:56:26 PM »
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of
the car...and you know how you just-get-sooo- stressed and life-stuff
seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . . and that's how the fight started . . .
I won't promise to be your friend forever, because I won't live that long. But let me be your friend as long as I live.

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #476 on: August 31, 2008, 10:30:11 AM »
words of wisdom, ponderings and various thoughts from the twisted mind of George Carlin~

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #477 on: September 01, 2008, 11:41:53 AM »
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another  incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked  for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

The rest is history.

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

sinnocent

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #478 on: September 02, 2008, 03:59:22 AM »
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their
 best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone
 who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

 

 A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a
 trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
 who responded:
 
 Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
 You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
 "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate
 "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. That is a terrible
 airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
 they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
 "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber
 River called Teste.
 "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its
 gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the
 worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and
 they're overpriced. 
 So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" 
 "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the
 Pope."
 
 "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million
 other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
 luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
 
 A month later, the woman again came in for a hair-do. The
 hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
 
 "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on
 time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and
 they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
 had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
 
 And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
 remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They,
 too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite
 at no extra charge!"
 
 "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good,
 but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
 
 "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the
 Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the
 Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
 into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
 
 Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the
 door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
 "Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
 "Where'd you get the shitty hair-do?"

sinnocent

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #479 on: September 02, 2008, 07:39:24 PM »
Southwest Airlines!

 

 

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines

from Denver to Dallas.

 

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his

mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats

have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

 

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her

son to ask the flight attendant.

 

So the boy walks to the galley and asks the flight

attendant, "If big dogs

have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why

don't big planes have baby planes?

 

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell

you to ask me"

 

The boy said, "Yes, she did...." "Well, then, please

tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest

always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."...