Rules for Life
1. By the butterfly effect, you hold some responsibility for any event that occurs.
2. Spoons and forks are created by man, but sporks are manifestations of pure nature.
3. Assume nothing is mundane; life is automatically more perplexing.
4. No matter how hard you try, you will never see the invisible truck that will run you over in the street.
5. The one thing in life guaranteed to go wrong is Murphy's Law.
6. One person cannot make a difference unless someone else notices that difference.
7. You can fail yourself, but failing another is not permissible.
8. Two years of therapy is equivalent to an hour talk with the right dog.
9. You use your tongue for tasting. Tasting good.
10. Fight not to win the battle but to win the war.
11. If something you desire that others you love have is denied to you, do not hate that which you desire, but instead embrace your friends' having of it. Denying something to all is not the answer.
12. That which you makes you stronger probably should have killed you, but it didn't.
13. Live. Then die. In that order. No exceptions.
14. It's amazing how much you can say without actually saying it.
15. When all is said and done, being alone in life is better than being chased by an axe-wielding maniac.
16. Before telling a joke, check its expiration date.
17. Talking to yourself is okay. Giving yourself the silent treatment because you're mad at yourself is not.
18. When rating how well something went, the fact that nothing spontaneously caught on fire is a good thing.
19. Be like a blob.
20. For good health, be anal about one thing every day.
21. Our imaginations house our future, our potential, and our ruin. Make sure your imaginary friends are not your enemies.
22. You are not your parents.
23. Saving some bread for the future will not work. You can only eat in the present.
24. Everything will be okay in the morning. Just close your eyes.
25. Ask the questions that you have.
26. Every king needs his sword.
27. Happily ever after is not for the real world. The stories of your life don't end when the book does.
28. A good way to feel superior is to ride an elevator where your floor is higher than everyone else's.
29. You are not the hero of some movie, novel, film or story. You're not the villain either. You are not even a supporting character for someone else. You just are.
30. People carrying umbrellas need not walk under awnings.
31. If it has the word 'uber' in it, it must be good.
32. The enemy of 'good' is 'better'
33. Only the present is fixed. Both the future and the past are mutable in how you look at them.
34. You are alive, dangnabbit!
35. If ever in Shangri-La, ask for directions and leave.
36. You must always casually conform... at your earliest convenience.
37. Never question the cream puff.
38. If you can build a frickin' dysonsphere, you better be able to do artificial gravity as well.
39. Just as cars should allow pedestrians to pass, so should the pedestrians occasionally allow cars to pass.
40. If you cut the baby in half, the problem will solve itself.
41. Misunderstood words can still hurt once understanding is achieved.
42. Digesting one's self, while ecologically friendly, is sociologically damaging.
43. If you have a metal fork for a head, stay in bed and indoors on stormy days out of fear of lightning.
44. Time is an illusion invented by the Swiss to sell watches.
45. The general consensus says that overall, life basically sucks, save the one saving grace that if you didn't have life, you'd be dead.
46. If anyone were to rule the world, it should not be a guy with mismatched socks.
47. It can get lonely on a planet with approximately 6,000,000,000 people.
48. For a merdog, the wetness of its nose is no indication of the animal's overall health.
49. Violating an outline will not result in being smited from above, below, or at sea level.
50. Never invade Russia come winter.
51. No toil should be without an effect.
52. BELIEVE IN LOWERCASE.
53. Honesty is the best policy unless you are in a prevarication competition.
54. Fear the past that was not yours to help others who walk the path.
55. In the land of the freaks, a normal person can be viewed at a sideshow for only a nickel.
56. Buying a Brita water filter alone will not save the environment.
57. Never make important life decisions when working in a greenhouse in July in Kentucky.
58. Before you can compromise, you must be selfish.
59. The first step to universal harmony is to kill off the tone-deaf.
60. The answer to 'the Chicken or the Egg?' is turtles all the way down.
61. Picking up a bundle of straw does not unbreak the camel's back.
62. If all it took to fly was a cape, Dracula would not have needed to transform into a bat.
63. One can always consider it progress that nowadays, only 50% of marriages end in death.
64. It is unwise to get wasted in the afternoon just to take a 15-minute nap.
65. All roads lead to Rome, especially those that go out of Rome.
66. According to quantum theory, there is always a universe in which you chose to wear the chicken suit.
67. Every time you commit a misdeed, you bring your evil twin one step closer to the side of good.
68. Life contains a lot of unhappiness; one just needs to make sure it's a bearable unhappiness.
69. When making rennet, you might as well make veal.
70. To make a difference, one must subtract one number from another.
71. If this planet ever becomes a world without borders, geography class will be a snap.
72. The pen is mightier than the sword, except when it comes to cutting paper.
73. When it comes to removing the 'Do not remove tag' on a pillow, do what a Zen master would do.
74. Setting the bar low, when not limbo dancing, is a good thing.
75. Cold is an absence; heat is an existence.
76. Happiness is cool grass on your belly and a yellow dandelion nearby to eat.
77. Sometimes you need a lick on the nose to remind you what's really important in life.
78. All views are important to hear because somewhere in the chorus of opinions is the single melody of truth.
79. Hindsight is 20/50.
80. It is quite hard to spoon a triceratops in a double bed.
81. Never go to Hungary in the middle of learning French.
82. Always assume sarcasm.
83. You can melt in someone's arms, and an ice cube can melt in any oven.
84. Never skip out on a date with a godlike being.
85. Never stab a person in the back. You'll miss the look of shock and terror on their face.
86. Colons are good; everyone should have one.
87. Every gift has the potential of paper-cut-inducing wrapping paper.
88. I promise.
89. In order to make Edward R. Murrow turn over in his grave, one must place his ashes in an hourglass.
90. One may become triumphant upon the acquisition of three elephants.
91. God forbid but lecturing might actually be the answer.
92. Go ahead and move. It will help hasten the inevitable heat death of the universe.
93. Character limits are anti-British.
94. When Thor shows up, it's always deus ex machina.
95. From time to time, walk out in the mystical
moist night air and look up in perfect silence at the stars.
96. The needs of the bladder outweigh the needs of the few.
97. All medication either cures or causes erectile dysfunction. Some do both.
