Author Topic: a little laugh :-)  (Read 166638 times)

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #15 on: June 01, 2005, 09:39:24 PM »
((originally posted by lotus{~D~}))

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #16 on: June 01, 2005, 09:40:43 PM »
((originally posted by prism{*RgR*1*}))

Two very elderly sisters were sitting in a car in the middle of the night, in a car lot in the middle of town.

Along came a police officer on his patrols, and he noticed the car in the car lot and what looked to be occupants, so he pulled into the lot and went over to the car and tapped on the window with his flashlight.  The sister in the driver's seat rolled the window down and smiled sweetly.. "Yes, officer?" ..

Is everything okay?
Yes officer.
Why are you sitting in this car?
Oh, it is our car, officer.
Let me see the registration.

so they pull the registration out of the glovebox, hand it to the officer and.. indeed it is owned by two sisters.
Thinking that because they are elderly, they might be "forgetful".. the officer says with a patient smile...

Why don't you two just drive this car on home, it's late and you should be safely at home..
We can't.
Why not?
We don't have driver's licenses.

Now confused and getting a bit axious over the matter, the officer asks them

If you don't have driver's licenses, why do you have the car and why are you parked here in this lot in the middle of the night?

to which they replied..


we heard that if you bought a car here, you would get screwed in the deal. Now we are waiting.

 ;D

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #17 on: June 01, 2005, 09:41:51 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Kitya))

A man walks into a bar that is located on the top floor of a building. He sits down on a stool at the bar, orders a drink and looks around. Seeing that it is only he and one other customer there he begins a conversation with him. After some small talk the other customer tells him that this is a very unique bar.  The location of this building is such that the wind comes right up the side of the building and is so strong that it will actually hold a grown man in midair.

The man, of course, is skeptical of this claim, but the other insists that this is true and proves it by walking over to the window, opening it, climbing out and standing in midair. The man, of course, has never seen anything like this and says so, but is nervous about trying this himself. The other man comes back in and continues drinking. After a few more rounds the man looks at the other and asks if he's SURE the wind can really support a man's weight. The other goes back to the window, opens it, and again climbs out to stand in mid air.

Amazed the man insists on trying this, so the other man climbs back thru the window and moves out of the way. The man climbs out of the window and immediately hurtles down to the ground, dying on impact. The other man returns to the bar and picks up his drink. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and says,


"You're MEAN when you're drunk Superman!"

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #18 on: June 01, 2005, 09:42:39 PM »
((originally posted by wyldechylde{MTC}))

No sex tonight?

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed .. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."  She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don 't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a Baffled .. WHAT???!!!" I then said,  "Really honey!  I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #19 on: June 01, 2005, 09:43:07 PM »
((originally posted by wyldechylde{MTC}))

breast or bottle

The good Doctor O'Cologiste. . .

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #20 on: June 01, 2005, 09:44:26 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

LOL wylde

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an
exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that
the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his
overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer
his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do
anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,
for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition
was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew
his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he
pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly,
meaningfully said, "Paint .. my .. house."

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #21 on: June 01, 2005, 09:45:06 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets
up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in
the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in
the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The
drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and
she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #22 on: June 01, 2005, 09:47:42 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Taryn))

I heard this story a few times on the radio, and decided to look the story up, and to my surprise, I found out that what was read on the air was "edited", and reasons are in the story below...


Pooh Goes Apeshit


by A.A. Milne

Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees whispered to each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree, there lived Pooh bear. From inside Pooh's house, there came a steady bang...bang... bang!, that was making his honey jars rattle on the sideboard. The light came through the window, and in the evening sun Pooh raised the axe once more and brought it down on the tattered remains of Christopher Robin.

"Why...won't... he...fit..." puffed Pooh to himself as the axe came down once more.

There was a small pile of earth, and a hole next to it, which Pooh had hidden with his favourite rug. Christopher Robin, selfish prat that he was, didn't quite fit in the hole Pooh had dug, so instead of making it wider he had decided to hack Christopher Robin's legs off.

"A far more sensible idea", thought Pooh, and hummed a little song to himself as he cut the last tendon and rammed the rest of the body in the hole, finally covering it up with the rug.

"Always too bossy", thought Pooh, "Always too bossy, always grabbing me by the paw and saying 'Come on Pooh lets have an adventure' or 'Pooh you are silly!' in that affected cutesy spoilt brat voice, and his stupid little shorts - bastard!"

Pooh had waited all afternoon for Christopher Robin to come round, humming a little tuneless song to himself whilst gazing blankly into the fire and fondling the oaken handle of the axe. When C.R. had finally turned up, squeaking in his child-actor voice "Come on Pooh! Open Up!", Pooh had answered the door normal as anything, talked about the weather, and then went to the cupboard and fetched the axe. While C.R. had sat there, prattling on about what a silly bear Pooh was and how he had very little brain (which wound Pooh up no end) Pooh had raised the axe high and brought it down with a satisfying thud on Christopher Robin's skull, cleaving it virtually in two, with just some muscle fibre in place to keep the pieces upright, and freezing C.R's eyes wide in horror that Pooh, lovable Pooh, could do such a thing! Pooh giggled a little and wiped some saliva from his mouth with a shaky paw. Then Pooh, calm as anything, had mopped up the blood, washed the axe and begun to dig the hole.

Piglet had wondered why Pooh had not called for him that morning, to have his tea and biscuits, and so he decided to visit Pooh instead. He admired the evening sun, blood red, and listened to the birds singing. Pooh watched him get nearer and nearer, and plugged in the drill.

Piglet had no time to realise what had happened - the drill pierced his skull, sending a beautiful fountain of blood all over Pooh's orange hide. He rubbed the blood in and all over himself, licking, licking, always licking. Then he pulled Piglet inside and put him in the cupboard. The syringe lay on the sideboard, and Pooh picked it up, paws shaking and sweating, and filled it full of solution of the funny white powder that had been given to him by a strangely spaced-out Rabbit. It was a strange effect at first, and Pooh thought he had seen many strange things, but then experienced a euphoric feeling of power. It made him irritable, and C.R. and Piglet had everything that was coming to them, no doubt at all. When night had fully fallen, Pooh dragged the bodies out and buried them in a makeshift grave.

"Adios, dear 'friends'", Pooh giggled, "Things are going to change around the 100-acre wood now I'm in charge" he laughed hysterically and went indoors.

The next day Tigger and Roo made their way happily to Pooh's house, to see if he knew where C.R. and Piglet were, as no-one had seen them since yesterday. They were sure Pooh would know, as he had had tea with Piglet yesterday and was meant to be playing Pooh-sticks with C.R. in the morning.

When they reached Pooh's house the door was wide open and Pooh was nowhere to be seen. Tigger and Roo looked inside Pooh's house and noticed a large hole in Pooh's floor and a notice was stuck on the wall with a large blob of congealing honey "OWT CHAGIG THE DRAGGN" (spelling had never been one of Pooh's strong points).

"That's odd", though Tigger, "there are no dragons in the 100-acre wood only heffalumps. What is that silly bear up to now?"

Not even Tigger would have imagined what Pooh was up to at that moment. That morning Pooh had woken with a splitting headache and a rather snotty nose. So he had taken a large dose of the white powder and a little while later had a brilliant idea! He left the house with a container marked insecticide in big red letters. He took the container and went to Eeyore's favourite patch of thistles.

"This will serve that manic depressive donkey right" laughed Pooh aloud, "always cheating at Pooh-sticks, cheats never prosper", Pooh said to himself.

Then he hid behind a tree to watch the unsuspecting Eeyore eat himself to death - sheer poetic justice thought Pooh as he dumped the nearly dead body of Eeyore in the same grave as C.R. and Piglet.

"Shouldn't cheat should you?", shouted Pooh as Eeyore's eyes stared with disbelief. "You're lucky I didn't chop you up into little bits and feed you to Tigger!", laughed Pooh manically, before he covered the makeshift grave over.

Pooh didn't return to the house until dinner time as he was totally spaced out all morning. So when he returned to his house he was in an awful mood and all he needed to make him absolutely mad was the sight of Tigger and Roo bouncing up and down outside his house singing "bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, the wonderful....".

"'Wonderful'?", thought Pooh aloud, "My foot, you'd think the writer of this shitty story could think up better lyrics for a song than that, and to think, they released the sound-track album on cassette and CD; a lot of people are going to get ripped off." This lightened Pooh's mood somewhat, but the respite was brief.

"What was that you said?", asked Roo.

"God does he never stop asking pathetic questions?", Pooh thought furiously. "I'm going to have to deal with these prats as well. Is there no-one in this place with intelligence apart from me?" Pooh asked despairingly."

Pooh felt himself extremely lucky as Roo had to go home for his afternoon sleep and that left Tigger at his mercy. Even better, Tigger suggested that himself and Pooh go and play Pooh-sticks; Pooh had smiled slyly as an idea formed in his overactive brain, and agreed.

"What an opportunity", Pooh whispered to himself as he followed the innocent Tigger to the bridge.

Once on the bridge, and the rather pointless game of Pooh-sticks was under way, Pooh thought he'd much rather push his stick up Tigger's arse, rather than throwing it into the stream. Tigger was leaning over the side of the bridge looking for his stick. So he did not see Pooh's wide horrific grin as he outstretched his arms and moved toward Tigger with the intent of pushing the stupid cat into the stream.

"Cats hate water, tee hee, he'll drown."

There was a loud splash as Tigger hit the water and started to struggle as his head was covered by water, he gulped and choked. Pooh was holding on to the rail of the bridge and jumping up and down with excitement and was joyously shouting at the drowning Tigger.

"Why?", spluttered Tigger as he slowly started to turn blue with the cold, which Pooh found hysterical, after all a blue Tigger? How absolutely silly.

"I'll tell you why you bastard", screamed Pooh, "It serves you right, hiding behind doors and jumping out, and scaring the shit out of people." Tigger did not hear Pooh's answer as he was already floating downstream face down in the water, dead. "Good riddance", laughed Pooh, and looked at his watch. "Still time to get that little dick-head Roo before he wakes up."

Pooh sneaked to the sleeping form of Roo's mum and saw Roo's ear poking out of her pouch.

"Now I've got you, you little git", Pooh thought, smiling, as he threaded a needle with extra strong cotton. He was jolly grateful for Piglet's sewing lessons now, because he would be able to sew up Roo nice and tightly, so he would not be able to get out and his mum would not be able to rescue him. So very slowly and carefully Pooh began to sew Roo into his pouch and thereby suffocating the annoying idiotic twit. After the deed was done Pooh made his way back to his house wondering how Roo's mum would take the death of Roo. Badly, hoped Pooh, as he began to cough uncontrollably and felt general nausea overcome him.

By the time Pooh got home he had puked up several times and was very desperate for some more of the white solution. He trembled as he picked up the syringe and gave himself the remaining amount. An awfully large amount, one might say, for a small little bear like Pooh. In fact too much, Pooh died of an overdose, but he died with a smile on his face: he was dreaming that he was the only teddy bear made with a willy and dreamed how he surprised Eeyore one day - but that's a story for another day.


THE END

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #23 on: June 01, 2005, 09:48:50 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!""Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #24 on: June 01, 2005, 09:49:41 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God
bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was
praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart
attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was
still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy.
Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the
next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the
next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta
ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to
the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he
finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God
you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our
porch this morning!"

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #25 on: June 01, 2005, 09:50:42 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day,
he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home.He walks into the
house
and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into
the
room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder
this
time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today
it
was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S
HANGING
DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya
shoulda
bought a hat."
 ;D ;) ;D

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #26 on: June 01, 2005, 09:51:26 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating
marriage under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for
marriage.

TWO YEAR DEGREE COURSE
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you
should be interested in:
Becoming a Real Man.  That's right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too,
can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree. (Male Arts)

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101:      Combating Stupidity
MEN 102:      You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103:      PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104:      We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110:      Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111:  Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112:  Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100:  Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101:  Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A:  What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120:  How NOT to Act like an arse when you're Wrong
MEN 121:  Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122:  YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123:  Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C:  What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101:  You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102:  Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103:  How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201:  How To Put the Toilet Seat Down

(Elective)
(See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210:  The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211:  How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212:  You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213:  Honest, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A:  Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important



Spring Schedule:
MEN 220:  Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221:  Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222:  Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223:  Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B:  Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 102:  Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103:  Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103:  Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231:  Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232:  Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233:  Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C:  Cheaper to Keep Her



Just a thought for all the women out there.

MENtal Illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #27 on: June 01, 2005, 09:52:07 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.    As a
little girl, she'd bring Me in the stall, teach me to
wad  up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd
carefully lay strips of toilet  paper to cover the
seat.  Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never  sit on a
public toilet seat.  And she'd demonstrate  "The
Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet
in a sitting  position without actually letting any of
your flesh make contact with the  Toilet seat.  But by
this time, I'd have wet down my leg.  And we'd go
home.

That was a long time ago.  Even now  in our more mature
years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult  to
maintain when one's bladder is especially full.  When
you  have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line
of women that makes you  think there's a half-price
sale on Nelly's underwear in there.    So, you
wait and smile politely at all the other ladies,  also
crossing their legs and smiling politely.  And you
finally  get closer.

You check for feet under the stall doors.  Every  one
is occupied.  Finally, a stall door opens and you
dash,  nearly knocking down the woman leaving the
stall. You get in to find the door  won't latch.  It
doesn't matter.

You hang your purse on the  door hook, yank down your
pants and assume "The Stance."

Relief.    More relief.  Then your thighs begin to
shake.    You'd love to sit down but you certainly
hadn't taken time to  wipe the seat or lay toilet paper
on it, so you hold The Stance as your  thighs
experience a quake that would register an eight on the
Richter  scale.  To take your mind off it, you reach
for the toilet  paper.

The toilet paper dispenser is empty.  Your  thighs
shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you
blew your nose  on-that's in your purse.  It would
have to do.  You  crumble it in the puffiest way
possible.  It is still smaller than  your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the  latch
doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head.
Occupied!" you  scream as you reach out for the door,
dropping your tissue in a puddle and  falling backward,
directly onto the toilet seat.  You get up  quickly,
but it's too late.  Your bare bottom has made  contact
with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat
because YOU  never laid down toilet paper, not that
there was any, even if you had enough  time to.  And
your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if  she
knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public
toilet seat  because, frankly, "You don't know what kind
of diseases you could  get."

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of
the toilet  is so confused that it flushes, sending up
a stream of water akin to a  fountain and then it
suddenly sucks everything down with such force  that
you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of
being dragged to  China.

At that point, you give up.  You're soaked by  the
splashing water.  You're exhausted.  You try to  wipe
with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then
slink out  inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the  sinks with the
automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit
and a  dry paper towel and walk past a line of women,
still waiting, cross-legged  and unable to smile
politely at this point.  One kind soul at the  very end
of the line points out that you are trailing a piece
of toilet  paper on your shoe as long as the
Mississippi River!  You yank the paper  from your shoe,
plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here.
You  might need this."

At this time, you see your man, who has  entered,
used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War
and Peace  while waiting for you.  "What took you so
long?" he asks, annoyed.  This is when you kick him
sharply in the shin and go home.

This is  dedicated to all women everywhere who have
ever had to deal with a public  toilet. And it finally
explains to all you men what takes us so  long.

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #28 on: June 01, 2005, 09:54:17 PM »
((originally posted by prisim{*RgR*1*}))

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN       

Your Clothes:

1st baby:  You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby:  You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby:    Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby:  You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby:  You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby:  You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby:  You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby:  At the first sign of distress --a  whimper, a frown-- you pick up the baby.

2nd baby:  You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:

1st baby:  If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby:  When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether he needs it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.     

3rd baby:  You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you  see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby:  You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby:  You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby:  You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. 


Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby:  You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby:  You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. 


Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child:  When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child:  When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child:    When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
 

(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN:      God's reward for allowing your children to live.

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #29 on: June 01, 2005, 09:55:00 PM »
((originally posted by Mistress Savi))

LOL woobie, how true! ;)



Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?"
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name, had been in my high school class some 40 odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm.... or could he? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central High School. "Yes, yes, I did," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1951, why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me, and then that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked... "What did you teach?"

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine