~hugs aisling~
that makes more sense than you might know sis
though with this quote still filling my mind, i ran across another that literally stole my breath~
But what most I now feared, and most hysterically rejected, was the suspicion that there might lurk in my deepest being a profound turning, a sudden, cataclysmic transformation of my consciousness, the possibility that I might admit to myself, confess to myself, a truth I dared not even articulate. This was the suspicion that I might not only accept the fittingness of slavery for one such as myself, for I had now come to recognize myself as a slave, but that I might come to find my fulfillment in it, that I would rejoice in it, and would come to love it. How fearful! I feared I might become such that I would not for the world relinquish my condition, my state, my bondage, that my bondage would become more precious to me by far than my freedom had ever been. I suspected what might be the joys of love and service, the pleasures of kneeling and obedience, the pleasures, too, of being a will-less, subjugated, helpless sexual toy, forced, a writhing slave, to endure whatever lengthy, maddening raptures might be inflicted upon me, a rightless property and possession, the ecstasies of belonging to a man, the joys of being owned and dominated by him, by his strength, his intellect, and his will, the joys of subjection to a master. These thoughts frightened me. I feared, and yet desired, to find myself kneeling before a man at whose feet I would have no choice but to admit to myself not only what I was, but what I wanted to be. I wanted to belong to a man, I feared, who would find the true me, drawing her forth and exposing her, as brutally, as callously, as one might a stripped slave, and one who would then, with the whip and collar, if he saw fit, allowing me no escape, brooking no objections, teach me to myself.
-Captive of Gor
this quote, seems to add another piece of the puzzle, to what you had added aisling. a totality of surrender. the utter claiming by One. these words all give me chills, in the best possible way.
though still at the very beginnings of my journey, it almost seems that being an emotional creature, unable to hide any part of your hurts or doubts, allows a Master to learn more of the beasts we are, if He so chooses of course. and perhaps, in time, it would evolve to the words you posted, the realization that even the emotions are not ours to begin with. ~wow~ perhaps it is here at the beginnings of the path, where these things begin to come into light, there is a profound revelation within ourselves as slaves. (not wishing to speak for any other than myself, just trying to generalize a bit) and with this there is yet another internal struggle, where you crave what you fear, so desperately.
anyways....am rambling~lol~...sorry about that
thank you aisling for responding, and hope you do again
and please....anyone else that has anything they wish to add.....please do~s~
