a little laugh :-)

[RickBulow74]

STILL no pics

[familure{TD}]

got this in my email the other day 


40 things you would like to say at work
this are hilarious!!! and soooo true...
 
1.   I can see your point, but I still thing you're full of crap.
2.   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3.   How about never?  Is never good for you?
4.   I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5.   I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6.   I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7.   I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8.   I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
9.   It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word you are saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you.  You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
21. Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office.  Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it.... like humor... but different.

[RAGNAR]

LMTAO

[Mercilayne]

not sure if this has ever been posted or not....but thought I'd stick it up here anyways..


In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.  "Sir," she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.  Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.  What a nice feeling, he thought.  Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.  Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER
LISTEN

[familure{TD}]

ound this on another board and had to share...

a comedian who does a kick ass Ian McKellen impression...and then redoes the openings of a couple well known classic tv shows

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1HSNV9y25A

Ducktales~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqyD8E1QATs

there's more but these were the ones that had me cracking up
 

[Hippie]

[RAGNAR]

LOL

[Raziel]

got this in my email the other day 


40 things you would like to say at work
this are hilarious!!! and soooo true...
 
1.   I can see your point, but I still thing you're full of crap.
2.   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3.   How about never?  Is never good for you?
4.   I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5.   I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6.   I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7.   I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8.   I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
9.   It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word you are saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you.  You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
21. Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office.  Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it.... like humor... but different.

See that... most of that is done on a daily basis at my work.  Just ask anyone who has ever heard me on the phone while at work.

Raz

[RAGNAR]

I can vouch.... it is true. LOL

[Mercilayne]

Evil Squirrel
 

A former Vietnam Helicopter Pilot wrote the message below..

I never dreamed slowly  cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

I was on  Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run  across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-- it was that close. I  hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.  I barely had time to brace  for the impact.  Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before  impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs  and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.  His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!  I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for,  "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was  nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my  windshield, and impacted me squarely in
the chest. Instantly, he set upon  me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of  a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!  Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.........And losing...
I grabbed for him with  my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail.  With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That  should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.  It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.  This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my  BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!  The situation was not improved.
Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.  I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy  twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.  Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.  The engine roared and the front wheel left  the pavement.  The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.  I screamed  in... well...  I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one  wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the
handlebars and try to get control of the bike.  This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car.  Also, I had not yet  figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About  this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face.  I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.  Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as  hard as I could. This time it worked ...  sort-of.  Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.


Picture a new scene.  You are a cop.  You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet  residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.  Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't  mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back).  I really would have  Really... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.  So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.  That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying  pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat.  But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ...but it was all his.  I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and  sedately left the neighborhood.  I decided it was best to just buy myself a  new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids

[Amber]

-falls out of my fucking chair just laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaughing- Must be the cousin of the squirrel that almost made me get into an accident when I was living in Des Moines.  For those that don't know.. if a squirrel is knocked unconcious by running smack dab into a cars tire.. the sound of another approaching vehicle will wake it right back up, so that it will hop up right before your car goes over it, thereby scaring the shit out of you and causing you to swerve out of reflex rather than animal rights.  And should you not cause an accident and look in your review mirror?  The damned squirrel just did it again and is currently scaring the driver behind you with it's "back from the dead" impression.

[Taryn]

Squirrels are EVIL!!!!

[RAGNAR]

BWA hah hah hah hah hah hah!!!!

ROTFLOMTAOFDL!!!

[Hippie]

YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS RANCHER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO  LIFE ......

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama, and his being our president.

The  old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,

What's a "Post Turtle?"

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a  country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb a** put him up there in the first place."

[Mercilayne]

-bol-