This Tickled me ...

[Lord Gray]

Bratty...Both of you of course..*chuckles*

[Amarige]

North vs. South

**The difference between the North and the South at last clearly explained:**

**The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.
**The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
**The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
**The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
**The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
**The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
**North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
**The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
**The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.
**The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

**FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .***

**In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive
    pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way.
    This is what they live for.
**Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... do not buy food at this
    store.
**Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
**Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
**Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
**Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you
    either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the
    adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this
    way. All of them are in denial about it.
**The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
**Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
**If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These
    are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
**If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow,
    your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or
    not. You just have to go there.
**Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient
    marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
**In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it
    and call it a driveway.

**AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept
    them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. **

[-A Mut Misfit-]

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.





The 1st floor sign reads::
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.



The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.



"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.


"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives who love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

[Lord Gray]

Just has to laugh without making a comment at all...*chuckling*

[-A Mut Misfit-]

are you AFRAID?

[Lord Gray]

Ohhh...Most definately...*L*

[Ancient Mariner]

Diam!  That was good, Bratnick.......Can't stop laughing!!! 

[Easy]

 A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an

 attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

 He's rather taken  aback because he can't place where he

 knows her from. So he says,  "Do you know me?"  To

 which she replies, "I think you're the  father of

 one of my kids."  Now his mind travels back to  the

 only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and

 says, "My God, are you the stripper from my

 bachelor party  that I made love to on the pool table with

 all my buddies watching,  while your partner whipped my

 butt with wet celery???"  She  looks into his eyes

 and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's  teacher."

[-A Mut Misfit-]

LOL..I like that Easy

cat tail

A  blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the
tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

 Why  WALMART???

 WALMART  is the largest "retailer"  in the world!!!

[-A Mut Misfit-]

                                                   Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"   

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?" 
 

Ya gotta love this--

the third piggy says -



"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[Pollypocket]

*LOL*.....cute, Brat

[-A Mut Misfit-]

Beautiful Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new ladies."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

[Shirley]

    Doodle BUG

[Easy]

Sitting in the bar George asked Johnny, 40, "How come you are not married?"


Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet"


George: "So what are you looking for?"


Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook 'n house keeper, - well and she's got to know how to handle money, - a really nice and pleasant personality is a must, - and money, she's got to have money, - and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."


George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU"

Johnny: "Oh it's okay, if she is crazy"

[-A Mut Misfit-]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they where there his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband "You can have her shipped home for $ 5000.00 or bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $ 200.00."

The husband thought about it for a while and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked the husband "Why would you spend $ 5000.00 to have your wife shipped home when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land and you would only spend $ 200.00?"

The husband replied, "A longtime ago a man died here and was buried here, three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"