Author Topic: This Tickled me ...  (Read 55409 times)

-A Mut Misfit-

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This Tickled me ...
« on: April 07, 2007, 05:54:04 PM »
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.


The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"


 The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

-A Mut Misfit-

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2007, 05:56:34 PM »
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

                                                              (you're gonna love this)



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Offline Eiluna

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2007, 01:08:03 AM »

*LOLOLOLOL*  I love it! ;D
..The song of the source is good, but the source of the song is magnificent..

Offline Lord Gray

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2007, 07:32:51 AM »
*chuckling*...So..okay..yer officially a nut...*S*

Offline Tanya

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2007, 09:06:17 AM »
Butt Measurement
 
A man and his wife were working in their garden one
day and the man looks over at his wife and says "Your
butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet
Your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill.
..
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and
measure the grill and then went over to where his wife
was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than
the barbecue grill!!!".  The woman chose to ignore her husband.
..
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling
frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who
completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up
this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

-A Mut Misfit-

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2007, 04:33:23 PM »
*chuckling*...So..okay..yer officially a nut...*S*

who? Me or Eulina or both? *L*

-A Mut Misfit-

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #6 on: April 11, 2007, 04:34:47 PM »
LOL...i liked that one Tanya

Offline Tanya

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2007, 12:33:40 PM »


Glad you liked that one :o)

How's this one.......

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year
Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". 
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and
50 dollars is 50 dollars". 

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and
Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old.  If I don't ride that helicopter, I
might never get another chance." 
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".


The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll
take the both of you for a ride.  If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say a word I won’t charge you!  But if you say one word, it’s 50
dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to
yell out, but you didn't.  I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."


-A Mut Misfit-

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2007, 05:43:58 PM »
LMAO...I have one..

  Mildred and Earl


Mildred, 93, was despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl,
so she decided to just kill herself
and join him in death.


Thinking it would be best to get it
over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and
made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it
was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and
a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to
learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman,"
the doctor said,
"your heart is just below your left breast.
Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night,
Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.



Offline Tanya

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2007, 06:05:26 AM »


Are you sure that wasn't about my grammy?  Good one!!!! *LMBO*  And hey.....I love your 'lil bear pic,  it's so full of love :o)

-A Mut Misfit-

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2007, 11:05:49 AM »
*G* thankies

Offline Easy

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #11 on: August 27, 2007, 10:57:13 AM »
I found this beautiful summer poem and thought it might help make your day.
It did me, and it's very well written.
ENJOY!

" Summer "
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre





SHIT!!

It's Hot !

Offline Easy

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #12 on: September 05, 2007, 11:43:32 AM »

The World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry
me? The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever
after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends,
always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a
closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and
was never farted on.

The End

-A Mut Misfit-

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2007, 05:40:03 AM »
Banned from Wal-Mart
 
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for our dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't,  because even though I’d lost 50 pounds, I’d ended up in the hospital last time, awakening in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out  of most of my orifices and with IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat  one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete  so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practi cal ly everyone in the line was by now enthralled  with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned  me.  I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack,  he was laughing so hard.
Now Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there  anymore!!!

Offline Eiluna

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #14 on: October 07, 2007, 06:49:39 PM »

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

 The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive  is going to cost us.' 
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm  voice said, 'Come on in.'

 When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was  all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side  near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my  window?'

 'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband sa id. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And ! now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
 
 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

 Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' 
 
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
..The song of the source is good, but the source of the song is magnificent..