Author Topic: This Tickled me ...  (Read 55386 times)

Offline Ancient Mariner

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #30 on: November 09, 2007, 11:59:42 AM »
Lost in Nova Scotia

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching Shubenacadie (shoe-bin-aack-a-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"

The blonde waitress leaned over the counter and said "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttoooonnn'sss."
Don't walk in front of me.  I may not follow.  Don't walk behind me.  I may lead you where you don't want to go.  Walk beside me and be my friend....

Offline Eiluna

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #31 on: November 10, 2007, 03:26:21 PM »

I'm wondering if this should be called "The Blonde Joke Thread"  *LOL*

(Please excuse the caps in this one... how it came to me in an email!)


A FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
..The song of the source is good, but the source of the song is magnificent..

Offline Easy

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #32 on: November 12, 2007, 05:21:04 AM »
 Using Big People Words
 
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
 
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
 
"I went to visit my Nana."
 
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
 
"I took a ride on a choo choo."
 
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done.
 
"I read a book," he replied.
 
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

[I love this]
 
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
 

Offline Hippie

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #33 on: November 12, 2007, 07:43:15 AM »
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

 Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
 
 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
 
 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

 It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
 
 Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more?'

 The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Offline Easy

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #34 on: November 13, 2007, 05:23:20 AM »
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .




(scroll down)











"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."




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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #35 on: November 13, 2007, 06:22:34 AM »
*just shakes my head, laughing*

Offline ~Meg~

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #36 on: November 13, 2007, 07:11:59 AM »
that was a good one ER...I liked that one and the one about the teacher and the big people words...LOL..
One day at a time is enough....Don't look back and grieve the past, it's gone....And Don't be troubled about the future, It has not come yet....Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering...

Offline ~Meg~

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #37 on: November 13, 2007, 07:36:12 AM »
 A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
One day at a time is enough....Don't look back and grieve the past, it's gone....And Don't be troubled about the future, It has not come yet....Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering...

Offline Easy

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #38 on: November 13, 2007, 07:42:10 AM »
OMG....grins big...tats good

Offline ~Meg~

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #39 on: November 13, 2007, 07:43:37 AM »
I thought it was cute..lol
One day at a time is enough....Don't look back and grieve the past, it's gone....And Don't be troubled about the future, It has not come yet....Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering...

Offline ~Meg~

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #40 on: November 13, 2007, 07:46:46 AM »
 A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from all that skipping."
One day at a time is enough....Don't look back and grieve the past, it's gone....And Don't be troubled about the future, It has not come yet....Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering...

Offline Easy

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #41 on: November 13, 2007, 12:48:30 PM »
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity


A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.




. You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!


Offline ~Meg~

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #42 on: November 13, 2007, 05:41:55 PM »
 Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
One day at a time is enough....Don't look back and grieve the past, it's gone....And Don't be troubled about the future, It has not come yet....Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering...

Offline Easy

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #43 on: November 14, 2007, 05:01:38 AM »
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Offline ~Meg~

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Re: This Tickled me ...
« Reply #44 on: November 14, 2007, 04:20:55 PM »
The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"

To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."



One day at a time is enough....Don't look back and grieve the past, it's gone....And Don't be troubled about the future, It has not come yet....Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering...