This Tickled me ...

[~Meg~]

     

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED..
         
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap,That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man.  He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband.!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that folks............is how the fight started.

[PeterFitzwell]

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'


A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

[PeterFitzwell]

[PeterFitzwell]

[PeterFitzwell]

[PeterFitzwell]

The Divorced Barbie Doll
 
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home
he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
 
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
“How much for one of those Barbie 's in the display window?”
 
The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir?”
 
“We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach
Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie
for $265.95.”
 
The amazed father asks: “It's what?!  Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?”
 
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
“Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken 's Car, Ken 's House, Ken 's Boat,
Ken's Furniture, Ken 's Computer, one of Ken 's Friends, and a key chain made
with Ken 's balls.”
 
 

[Kellie]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
 
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.'
 
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
 
'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.'
 
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
 
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'
 
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out!
 
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
 
'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.
 
Angrily, the man answers, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'
 
After a pause, the doctor confesses, 'Not with a carnation.'

[Kellie]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive - so, I took her to a gas station.

and then the fight started....
***************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....
***************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....
***************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

[DR]

Good ones Kels *laughs* But you better not get any ideas with a carnation! But I will remember that one *winks*

[Kellie]

~looks at You with an evil grin, quickly turning to an innocent smile~ Now would I do something like that? Not me. ~winks and continues to smile so sweetly~

[PeterFitzwell]

[Hippie]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.


2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.  REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.


5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.  THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.  IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.  IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE...

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

[Gina]

The Banana Test


There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,


a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe
 and a Squirrel , who pass by.


  They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.


 Who do you guess will win?


 Your answer will reflect your personality.


 So, think carefully and try and answer within 30 seconds.


 Got your answer?


 Now scroll down to see the analysis.


 

 

 

 

 

 










 

 

If your answer is: 

 Lion = you're dull.

 Chimpanzee = you're a moron.

 Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

 Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

 A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

 Obviously you're stressed and overworked.  You should take some time off and relax!

 

[Gina]

 

     
      The  Harley-Davidson Facts



The inventor of the Harley-Davidson  motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the  gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and  your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you  can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur  thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out  wit h God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and  introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented,  'Okay, so you were the one who invented the  Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's  me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing  something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run  without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally  spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' 


God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said  Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design  flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much  inconsistency in the front-end suspension



2. It  chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear  ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to  the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are  outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points  there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial  supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the  results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God  read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,'  God said to Arthur,
'but according to these numbers, more men are  riding my invention than yours'.   
 
 
 

[-A Mut Misfit-]

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your rubbish bin On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone is Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheques, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. (and what a freaken lovely sight that would be ~ NOT ) 

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Have Your colleagues address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

16. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

17. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The car park, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'